an old school monday!

WWE’s “Monday Night Raw” promised an “Old School” Monday. Tons of the guys I grew up watching and rooting for. I haven’t watched an episode of “Raw” in at least a year … but anytime you promise me living legends, I can tune in for a night. Here’s your retro-active diary of what went down …

7:00: I hear an ambulance! Yes, it’s a live Old School WWE event! And they’ve got the old school intro! The King is fired up! Michael Cole in the cheesy Vince McMahon outfit! Holy crap, this might be another four bottle night!

7:02: Mean! Gene! Okerlund!!! YES! Hell yes! Mean! Gene! Okerlund!!! Looking damned good for pushing 80. There was nothing sweeter as a kid than hearing Mean Gene urge me to “call my satellite or cable provider” to order the PPV.

7:03: Cowboy Bob Orton! With a broken left arm. KCK’s finest!

7:03: Cowboy Bob looks frighteningly like Chan Gailey. Scarily like Chan Gailey.

7:04: the patented Mean Gene “whoa!” as he looks frightened by the crowd reaction. Good God, I have missed this.

7:04: some dude named “The Nexus” comes out. Sorry, I haven’t watched RAW in nearly a year, since the last time they pulled a “bring back the wrestlers that people give a sh*t about” stunt. I guess he’s battling Randy Orton for the title on Sunday night.

7:06: this guy sounds like William Regal. Let’s hope we get a Bill Regal sighting tonight, by the way.

7:07: the Miz! Sweet Jesus, who would have EVER guessed he’d be the most famous alumnus of “The Real World”?

7:08: Mean Gene is right at home. Love that guy. I might have to call my satellite and/or cable provider Sunday night to order this “Survivor Series” if he implores me to.

7:09: John Cena on the video board. Whoa, Cena vs Miz tonight. Cena’s the only decent superstar they’ve got left, or at least the only one I’d pay to watch. And Miz accepts the match! Great.

7:09: Okerlund in mid-season form. Let’s see more of him going forward.

First commercial break. I’m not quite a bottle in at this point. Tonight’s bottle of choice? Little Penguin shiraz, and I have a couple Yellowtail merlot’s ready to tap. But again, I don’t have a drinking problem. Not even a small one. None whatsoever.

And I love this commercial with everyone playing the Call of Duty video game. Awesome.

7:13: we’re back! It’s Ed Guerrero’s widow! Managing Dolph Ziegler. I love the female managers. Not sure who Dolph is up against, but if you guessed Dolph Ziegler was a ripoff of Dolph Lundgren, congratulations, you’re a winner.

7:14: oh Christ, he’s battling Sexual Chocolate, Mark Henry. To think he’s tapped Mae Young.

7:15: Cole bitching about sitting on a steel chair. You’ve gotta figure that chair is going to knock someone through the Spanish announcing table tonight.

7:17: Cole compares Dolph to Ravishing Rick Rude. Uuh, not seeing it. Rick Rude was the man. This Dolph guy is a tool. And The King just compares Mark Henry to Bruno San Martino. I want whatever the King is smoking.

7:18: Cole brings up the Mae Young angle! Let’s just pretend that never, never, never, never happened.

7:20: Cole: Vicki Guerrero is “too old” for the King to date. So true. So very, very true.

7:20: King: there’s “just a grease spot left on the canvas” after Henry misses “The Pancake”.

7:20: Cole: the refs look like “Chippendales Dancers”. Actually … they do.

7:21: This match has been brutally unwatchable save for the commentary. Say what you want about the old XFL, the commentary was always great.

7:21: Dolph wins with the sleeper! Dolph doesn’t look all there. Let’s hope that is the last time we have to see Dolph tonight.

7:22: King: “If I had to go home with Vicki Guerrero right now, I’d want someone to put the sleeper on me!” I freaking love the King.

7:23: Tony Atlas! Sounds like he has marbles in his mouth. And he’s holding a WD40 bottle. Uuh, the kids use KY nowadays, Tony. Works much better.

Commercial number two. Bathroom break time. Might be the last one I get until the Undertaker takes center stage (rimshot!)

7:26: we’re back. Tony Atlas still using the WD40. Good God, if it takes you three minutes to lube up, you don’t know what you’re doing.

7:26: tag team match. The champs, two dudes I have never seen before, against … The Hart Dynasty?!?! It’s the Hart kids! Gotta cheer for them.

7:26: come on, no Canadian looks that good with his shirt off.

7:26: The King letting his disgust of Michael Cole shine through. Seriously, its Old School night! Where the hell is Good Ol’ JR?

7:27: one of these Hart kids is Owen’s kid. Uuh, I witnessed that guy die. Bad memories. Or as I remember it:

(gregg) whoa! (points to ceiling)
(steve) whoa! (notes dude falling 75 feet from ceiling to mat)
(gregg) this isn’t gonna end well …

7:29: whoa! The Hart kids turn on each other! Never saw this coming! One, two, three, the no-names with a huge N on their crotch win! Love it!

7:31: more Mean Gene! With … Randy Orton! Some folks can pull off the heavily tatted look, and some can’t. Randy definitely can. (I definitely could not).

7:32: some black guy I don’t know interrupts the interview. And Mean Gene is in classic interview mode. I am thoroughly enjoying this. Orton threatens to “crush Cena’s head”. Gotta love the double entendre’s the WWE offers up.

Another commercial. As Chuck Woolery would say, “back in two and two”.

Gus Johnson Wild Wings ad. If you haven’t seen his call of the Jags Hail Mary yesterday, you have to go to nfl.com and see it. He literally starts clapping and screaming like a seal on the air. I freaking loved it. Screw you MSG, for firing Gus. The Knicks deserve a ninth straight season of meaninglessness for that stupid decision.

7:37pm: we’re back. More Mean Gene! Hyping merchandise. I have said it before and I will say it again: I f*cking LOVE Mean Gene Okerlund! That man could sell Obamacare to the religious right, he’s that rock solid.

7:38: Okerlund: “hey, are they selling my blazers yet? These things are a peach!”

7:38: Howard Finkel!!! Suh-weet!!! In the tuxedo to boot!!! And he’s introducing … accompanied by Harvey Wimpleman … THE Brooklyn Brawler! Holy God! Holy f*cking God! Harvey was once the women’s champion, I do remember that Michael Cole. This is beyond awesome. The King is making rooster sounds. I almost spit out the shiraz, I’m laughing so hard.

7:39: he’s fighting, the Brawler is. He’s challenging “anyone from the new school to a match right now”. Who’ll take the challenge? It’s … Ezekiel Jackson! Who? The ref is in a classic Charles Robinson hairdo. I’m telling you, if you grew up watching the WWE in its glory days, this is beyond awesome.

7:42: Cole: “Brawler is in a match on Monday Night Raw. Words I never thought I would say”.

7:42: the Robinson wig is hysterical. Brawler quickly pinned. Cole: “The mighty Brawler has struck out”.

7:43: this Zeke guy looks like Christian Okoye. That was meant as a compliment – Okoye is the most built upper body I’ve ever seen. That dude … to quote my buddy Bunch, “that dude is stacked!”

And we’re at commercial. WrestleMania is April 3, 2011, live from Atlanta’s Georgia Dome. It’s number 27. Good God, there have been 27 of these things? And I haven’t seen one in at least two years. What’s wrong with me? Then again, I have been arrested in the comforts of my own home while watching WrestleMania before, so it’s probably best for all involved that I not watch it live.

7:47: we’re back. Vote for your WWE diva tomorrow. Remember the good old days when you had gratuitous, no reason for it, female frontal nudity on pay per views? Yeah. Being 21 and horny had its advantages back in the day.

7:48: these N guys are all over my screen. I have no idea who these folks are. I need to tune in more often.

7:48: Cole in the classic WWF blazer. Awesome. Still looking like Vince too. They’re really pushing this Wade Barrett dude.

7:49: who is the GM of RAW nowadays? I stopped keeping track when Eric Bischoff was kicked to the curb.

7:50: gratuitous John Cena sighting. Cena’s the best thing they have going for them at this point. Other than “Old School” of course.

And, another commercial. Now I’m remembering how me and G used to knock out RAW in 29 minutes or less back in the day. TiVo!

Wow, a storyline with Paul Bearer, Kane, and Edge is just not making me want to buy this PPV. Sorry fellas, the Paul Bearer / Kane angle sailed 15 years ago.

7:55: trivia!

7:55: we have a John Cena sighting! As he heads to the ring! You gotta love Cena. The guy freaking rules.

7:55: Cena working the Charles Robinson wig. Awesome.

7:56: the Miz! Holy crap, the WWE is blowing the load not even an hour in? How awesome are the last two hours going to be if Cena / Miz is being disposed this early on? (I don’t know, but I’m giddy to find out!)

7:57: ok, maybe not. Miz on the mic at the top of the ramp.

7:57: Miz going to the bullpen. Relieving him is Alex Riley. Who?

7:57: Miz is obsessed with getting facialized.

8:00: Cena’s match underway. I’m giving this 3 minutes max. The Charles Robinson wanna-be is reffing.

8:01: more “Cole / King tension played off for fun, but anyone can see they really hate each other’s guts” fun.

8:01: classic ref distraction / side guy knocks out other opponent move.

8:02: I cannot believe a MTV “Real World” alumnus is less than six days away from possibly being the next WWE World Champion. On the other hand, David Arquette once held the WCW World Championship …

8:03: the F U?

8:03: the F U!

8:03: wait, they changed the name to the Attitude Adjustment? What the f*ck?!?!

8:03: Cena wins!

8:03: Orton! Miz! Throwing down in the ring! Wait, where did Randy Orton come from?

8:04: Cena! Orton! You know its on when you rip the t-shirt off!

8:05: the classic “5 refs somehow appear to stop this thing” gag. And … we’ve got an instant message from the GM of RAW! Cole: Cena, Orton, you’ll be guests on Piper’s Pit! Holy sh*t, we’re getting a Rowdy Roddy Piper sighting tonight! Suh-weet!

Commercial break. I need to catch my breath.

Its 21-0 Philly not even 10 minutes in. Nice to see the Redskins decided to pull a Chiefs and not even bother to show up tonight (rimshot!)

I could really go for a McRib right now. If we get a dud match, there might be a lull in these blogging proceedings as I make a beeline for the McDonalds a couple blocks away.

8:09: classic WWF intro. Awesome.

8:10: I hear an ambulance again. And more Howard Finkel! And … The Iron Sheik and Nikolai Volkoff! Holy f*cking God!!! And the traditional “respect their National Anthem as Nikolai sings” tradition. King: “Nikolai’s held up about as well as Keith Richards”.

8:11: can it be? No. Its two no-names. I was praying for Hacksaw Jim Duggan there. Interrupted for some other Russian dude to join Nicolai. The USA chants are flying. Come on Jim. Come on …

8:12: the Iron Sheik looks blitzed. In his defense, I would be too.

8:13: Slick! YES! Holy crap! Iron Sheik is pissed that his anthem hasn’t been played. Slick is pimpin it big time!

8:14: Sheik tells USA chanters to “shut up”. Where is Hacksaw Jim? This nation needs a hero …

8:15: its two black guys in a tag team championship … it’s Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka’s kids! Holy God! I was ready to bolt for Mickey D’s, but I ain’t walking out on Superfly’s kids! Live next, on Monday Night RAW!

Commercial break. My dad just checked in. “You watching RAW tonight?” Well, 99 times out of 100 on a Monday night at 8:19pm CT, I’d be on “Two and a Half Men” … but yes, yes I am watching.

8:20: an old school return, as the match has already started! Love joining the match midway through, just like the old school NBC Saturday Night Wrestling. Uuh, not that my dad ever let me stay up to watch that when I was like 7 years old.

8:22: King mocking Cole on the air. Good stuff. These two have more tension in the booth than David and Maddie ever had on “Moonlighting”. OK, fair criticism, half my readers have never seen “Moonlighting”. OK, more modern reference … they have more tension in the booth than Beckett and Castle on “Castle”, the modern day “Moonlighting”, only nowhere near as awesome as the original.

8:25: Cole compares this Santino dude to Manny Pacquiao. Uuh …

8:26: Snuka’s kid pinned.

8:26: scary looking red-headed Irish dude in the ring. Shamus? Just please keep the shirt on.

8:26: a Jim Morrison look alike named John Morrison storms the ring! Calls Shamus a “bully”. Ooh. He’s “looking to fight in all the wrong places”. Better than “looking for love in all the wrong places”. Done that a time or two. Usually at the Eclipse.

8:27: the Shamus shirt is off. Its more pasty white than me in mid-February. Not a healthy sight.

And … commercial. I fear that McRib is still 90 minutes away …

The Rock has a new movie coming out? Even odds he’s appearing on my TV screen in the next 90 some odd minutes.

Good God, its 35-0 Philly one play into the 2nd quarter. Chiefs, you’re off the hook – denver didn’t hit 35-0 until 8 minutes through the 2nd quarter yesterday! How’s that McNabb extension tasting, Redskin fan? (shaq voice) how does my ass taste!

8:33: we’re back. No clue who Hail the Villain is. David Otunga wrestling … Kofi Kingston. Not a f*cking clue who either one of these guys are. Kingston promises to fly around like Koko B Ware and “make you wish it was yesterday”. That’s it, go Kingston!

8:36: Otunga dominating. We haven’t had a screw job yet, we’re overdue nearly 100 minutes in.

8:37: the double clothesline! And now, they’re stalling … excuse me, recovering …

8:38: The Animal! George Steele! He does NOT look all there.

8:38: what the hell is he doing? Oh my God, he’s gonna eat the turnbuckle!

8:39: ref steps in. Crowd (and Steve) boos. And … there he goes! Eating the turnbuckle! OK, ok, let’s send George back to the home guys. And Kingston slams Otunga into the (now vacant) turnbuckle. Kingston wins!

8:40: George “The Animal” Steele is a living legend … but I would question if he knows his own name at this point. Yikes.

8:40: The King: “not vintage?” Cole: “I used that already”. King: “Of course you did”. I’m telling you, these two either need to throw down or get a room, one or the other.

8:41: Arn Anderson!

And … commercial. Shamus just accepted a match against someone. That could be the McRib break I’m craving.

Its now 35-7, Redskins getting the ball back, 11:03 to go in the first half. (ll cool j voice) Don’t call it a comeback!

Oh no. It’s a McRib commercial. Really? You have to do this to me now? Why the hell doesn’t McDonalds deliver? Why? I want a McRib so freaking bad …

105 minutes down, 75 to go. You’re welcome.

8:45: more trivia!

8:45: YES! Hacksaw! Jim! Duggan!!! Not sure who the ditsy blonde is … but she just got kidnapped. Oh God, its Golddust. Excuse me while I puke. And … Yes! Ted DiBiase! THE Million! Dollar! Man!!! And now its DiBiase’s kid. Golddust: “help a brother out”. Oy. Wait, it’s a Chief Wahoo wanna be! Good God, we’ve hit rock bottom! And its Ron Simmons! Wearing the shirt that says it all. Damn!

8:47: Cole giving The King sh*t. The King having none of it.

8:48: still no Good Ol’ JR sighting. We HAVE to have a JR sighting.

And … commercial. Some black dude named R Truth? Against this Wade Barrett / William Regal wanna be. Oy. Could be the extended “bathroom break” I’ve been waiting for.

It’s now 35-14, and its pouring in Landover. The biggest comeback in NFL history is 32. This game is turning in a hurry, and it was 35 …

8:52: about an hour to go. This should have been a two hour show.

8:52: the old school “Promotional consideration paid for by the following” lead-in … by Lord Alfred Hayes! This just keeps getting better!

8:52: until R Truth appears on my TV screen. He’s rapping about something. I’d be lying if I said I cared.

8:53: he’s got the “right time to get crunk, right time to hit junk”. So … he’s DJ back in the day? (rimshot!) Come on, that was way too easy.

8:54: awesome over-the-top-of-the-rope summersalt to knock this Wade Barrett dude to the concrete below. This R Truth has the crowd behind him.

8:55: Cole bitching about the “mustard colored jacket” and the “steel chair” again. Let’s hope one of those is used on the other by a wrestler later tonight.

8:57: I’ve only met one person in my life before tonight whose name was “Wade”, the lovely KB’s brother. I liked that guy. This “Wade”, on the other hand … is a disgrace to the name.

8:58: nearly the reverse three count for R Truth!

8:58: another close call for R Truth!

8:59: Wade with a boot to R Truth’s face. Keepin the man down.

8:59: One. Two. Three. Wade wins. There’s two words you didn’t hear often in Dallas this fall.

We got an hour to go, and still have Piper’s Pit, plus some Cena throwdown to go. Commercial break upcoming.

9:05: another classic WWF intro.

9:06: the damned ambulance again!

9:06: Lawler ripping on Cole.

9:06: Spanish ring announcer! Dare we dream, the booth coming down is next?!?!

9:07: Tito Santana!

9:07: Chavo Classic! Good God, they’re hauling every “living under the bridge” wrestler out of retirement tonight!

9:07: no really, Tito Santana!

9:07: some guy named Alberto Del Rio. Uuh, if this is the future of the franchise, it might be time to move on. The King calling Cole on this ridiculousness of hyping this guy.

9:09: this guy has more grease on him than a Pep Boy.

9:10: just called us “fat Americans”. Uuh … he probably has a point there.

9:11: this guy is more full of himself than G or DJ on their best day. And I mean that as a compliment.

9:11: Sergeant Slaughter! Thank GOD he has the shirt on.

9:11: he’s rocking the leotard though.

9:12: Sgt. Slaughter challenges this “puke, slime, maggot” to a fight!

9:12: I have a feeling the Mexican is gonna win. They’re … they’re throwing down!

9:13: Cole: “I don’t know how wise this was”. Yup, my thoughts exactly.

9:14: if Sarge wins, this is the biggest screw job since Montreal in 97.

9:15: its over. Mexican wins. Del Rio pouring it on. Some black dude runs in to end it, named MVP. Good God, I’m embarrassed by that.

9:16: Cole and The King arguing over Sgt. Slaughter. King has his back. Cole tossing him under the bus.

Less than an hour to go. (tommy lee jones in “the fugitive” voice) Thank God. I need the rest …

9:20: an anti-weed ad. At the risk of sounding like someone that has been known to enjoy a joint now and then … its weed! Who gives a sh*t!

9:21: we’re live again. King: “Back in the day, Spam wasn’t in your email, it was a tasty lunch meat!” Uuh, we’ll go with that.

9:23: Mean Gene with … Mae Young! Oh my! 87 and counting! She is not all there. And for the love of God, why is an 87 year old in a leotard?

9:25: Jersey Shore wannabes interrupt. Come on Mae, throw down!

9:26: Mae challenges “these sluts!” to a match with “no DQ!” “You b*tches are going down!” Oh crap please keep the shirt on … its underway!

9:28: every chick on the roster is on Mae’s side. And … b*tch slap by Mae! Mae wins! I’m … I’m literally speechless. The King: “Better than Mae Young’s autographed copy of the Bible!”

9:29: I would call that the single most disturbing thing I’ve ever walked in on in my life … only, it’s not even close. Something about “Steve and Drew’s night at the Casino … ends early as both get destroyed at the tables … Steve opens the garage door … walks up the stairs … and the rug is getting broken in” tops that. Sometimes, I miss life as it used to be.

9:33: more trivia. Thankfully, only 30 minutes to go. I need my rest.

9:34: Special Guest Commentator! Good Ol JR! Yes! Jim Ross! Hell Yes! In the mustard yellow jacket! Cole is legitimately pissed off! A great embrace with JR and the King. Cole is pissed. JR blows him off. I love this. Come on, throw Cole through the table!

9::35: JR! JR! JR!

9:36: a meaningless match … but its JR on the call. Awesome.

9:37: Cole visibly pissed on air.

9:38: Cole pulling rank. JR ignoring him. Good God I love JR. I don’t even care if this is a joke at this point, I love this. JR and King putting Cole in his place.

9:39: King to Cole: “I’ve heard you and Swagerd, that’s the bland leading the bland” … and we go to commercial. To the WWE’s credit … I honestly have no idea if this was planned, or Cole hates JR this much. I pray it’s the latter. This is awesome television.

9:42: still at commercial. I’m guessing the Cole / JR / King verbal throwdown was not planned if we’re at 4 minutes and counting at commercial.

9:43: still at commercial. And … we’re back. Cole is literally passed out. So, its fake. Who cares, it’s the King and JR one more time! This is a must TiVo moment!

9:44: Swagert in front of the TV booth. Nope, not happening.

9:45: King rips Cole. Awesome. Absolutely awesome. To his credit, Cole is selling this like a pro.

9:46: are we gonna get a King / Cole match to close us out?

9:47: Cole being the ass that he is. Screw you Michael Cole. “If you could hear paint dry, that is what your commentary sounds like”.

9:47: King ready to throw down with Cole. Let’s hope this happens.

9:48: Cole trashing JR. Someone beat his ass senseless. King is in a controlled rage at this point. “Slobberknocker!” And … I think we’re about to throw down?

9:49: DiBiase Jr enters the ring!

9:50: King and JR ready to throw down with Cole. Awesome stuff.

9:51: JR decks Cole! King claps in appreciation! Huge “Boomer Sooner” plays! Awesome. Absolutely awesome.

9:52: we’re closing with Piper’s Pit. Back in two and two for the final segment. Hopefully. I am that freaking tired …

9:54: best RAW of the last two years, at least. Loved this three hour blog. Great television.

9:55: Legends galore! I can’t do this justice. Snuka, Orton, IRS, Tito Santana, Slaughter, Jim Duggan (HO!!!), the Brawler, Chavo Classic, Mean! Gene! Okerlund! Howard Finkel! Mae Young! Gerald Brisco! Ted DiBiasi! Slick! Tatanka! Tony Atlas! Arn Anderson!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ron Simmons! Dusty Rhodes!!!!!!!!! George “The Animal” Steele! Good Ol JR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The Iron Sheik! Nikolai Volkoff! What a list! What a grouping! (steve bowing in respect) …

And now … Rowdy Roddy Piper!!!

This … is the best three hours of television I’ve watched in a long, long time. At least since “Lost” signed off in May.

9:59: The crowd going nuts.

10:00: Rowdy paying respect to Captain Lou Albano. Awesome.

10:00: “I hit Jimmy Super Fly Snuka in the coconuts!” Awesome.

First up? Cena.

10:01: Piper likes Cena. Just not as much as he likes himself.

10:01: whoa, Piper never won the title? Wow. Somebody deserves to be fired over that.

10:03: Piper is fired up. Not sure why.

10:03: “Don’t you spit in my face, John Cena” That’s a legitimate request.

10:04: “Do the right thing” Welcome to the WWE, Spike Lee!

10:05: we’re running long tonight. Figures.

10:05: Cena selling this really well. It’s why he’s the best there is of “this” generation.

10:06: Cena to call the championship match “down the middle”. And … annoying Wade Barrett shows up again. Someone beat his ass.

10:07: Piper ready to throw down with Wade!

10:08: the t-shirt challenge.

10:08: the convenient excuse to get Cena to take his shirt off. That’ll definitely attract the female and gay male crowd, that dude is built.

10:09: this Wade guy is a deusche.

10:09: here comes Orton!

10:10: we’re way over the 10pm end time.

10:11: Orton destroying this Wade dude! So … its Orton / Cena on Sunday? I’d tune in for that … and Orton rocks Cena!

10:12: the F U?

10:12: the F U! On Orton!

10:13: Cena! Wade! Sunday night! I could actually be talked into this …

10:13: Cena! Wade! the F U?

10:13: the F U! I could definitely be talked into this PPV on Sunday …