Saturday, October 10, 2015

for the first time in sixteen months ...

"I entertain by picking brains.
Sell my soul, by dropping names.
I don't like those!  My God -- what's that?
Oh, it's full of nasty habits?

When the b*tch gets back!

Oh oh oh! …

I'm a b*tch, I'm a b*tch,
Oh the b*tch is back!
Stone cold sober, as a matter of fact!

I can b*tch, I can b*tch,
Cause I'm better than you!

It's the way that I move,
The things that I do,

Oh oh oh! ..."


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(jim nantz voice) Hello friends.

Happy Posting Day, peoples and peepettes! 

I post so infrequently anymore, I think any post on this site deserves its’ own day, in honor of my lazy self, publishing something.  So Happy Posting Day, dudes and dudettes!  (kazoo voice) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Enjoy?

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(julie chen voice) BUT FIRST!  A few details for tomorrow, in case you’re coming out to the Chiefs / Bears game and tailgate:

1. I have secured the early-in pass.  That means the Bus leaves at 6:30am, if you want to ride out with us.  Currently there are seven confirmed riding out with us; we can semi-comfortably fit 12, and very uncomfortably fit 15, as we discovered for the donkeys game three weeks ago.

2. Next, to address the “Captain Oats” in the room (or, more accurately the parking lot):

After conversations with my STM representative, as well as my “highly placed confidential source” with “direct knowledge” of the west side parking situation, I believe the Chiefs will stand down on Sunday, at least initially.  But as I warned my STM representative: “I have printed out every parking regulation on your website.  Buses under twenty five feet are not prohibited from Lot G.  Our bus is 24 feet, 9 inches, bumper to bumper.  And trust me Zach -- we’ll have the godd*mned measuring tape ready, if you people give us any bullsh*t.”

I anticipate we’ll be in our usual spot, based on conversations that have occurred.  If that changes due to the idiocy that is the Chiefs parking regulations, I’ll let you know.

But if I was a betting man – and we all know I am – we'll be there, "Penny Lover" opening the day, no later than 6:52am … in our spot.

Because who would you rather wager on: a semi-crazy, “two Irish coffees in at 7am” p*ssed off Texan behind the wheel of a 1963 Dodge school bus (and for once, that doesn’t describe me!) … or a hapless parking nazi standing in Russ The Bus Man’s way?

(Also, please keep in mind, the way the parking lots are set up, unless you have a Red Reserve pass, it's virtually impossible for me to save a spot for you to park.  If you're coming and desire to park near us but don't have a Red Reserve pass, please text me when you get close, and I can walk ours up to you.  It won't get you in the gate, but it will get you into Lot G, once the good folks at the Jackson County Sports Authority extort their $30.00 out of you.

And yes, please text, instead of call.  We use my iPhone for Mixology.  A text dings but doesn’t stop the music.  A call stops the music.  Please be considerate of our fellow tailgaters.)

3. A very light, limited menu, due to today being a pretty busy day for most of the core group.  (At least two of us have to work, and that number includes me.) 

We’re doing brats / dogs / sausages, with the fixins.  (I think the Bill Schwersky Super Fans would approve.)  There’ll be side dishes and some kind of dessert, plus plenty of frosty cold liquid refreshments as well.

4. If you have a request for Mixology, let me know; I’ll add your request to the rotation. 

5. Finally, as always: any person who desires to be there – no matter who you are – will be welcomed with a hello, an offer to raid the cooler(s) for a frosty cold one (or raid the liquor cabinet for a stiff one), and you will be made to feel wanted where you stand. 

(Well, unless you’re Cinco Noose Donkey.  Then you’re made to feel “welcome and wanted” where you hang (rimshot!)  Oy, I’m funnier than Fozzie the Bear at this point!)

There'll be bean bags to be tossed, beer pong to be played, Drinko to be, uuh, drinkod, and I'm sure there's a football or three on that bus somewhere to toss around.

(Forgot to plug this in the previous post: our tailgating buddy Brad is getting ready to take to market a pretty cool little invention he's come up with.  Feel free to click on his site and take a look, and feel free to throw some business his way.  He'll have the prototype out there on Sunday, and it's f*cking sweet.)

The forecast for Sunday is 87 and sunny.  80 and sunny at kickoff.  Which means that folks?  The conditions are ripe – ripe! – for something that hasn’t really occurred since the Jaguars game in 2010.

The Perfect Stevo Game is in play on Sunday.

(The Perfect Stevo Game: the Chiefs get out to a comfortable lead against a sh*ttacular opponent at the half, and come halftime, I kick off the sandals, ditch the t-shirt, and spend the second half yukking it up with the folks next to me, enjoying a few frosty cold ones, and getting one helluva tan as the Chiefs finish boatracing said sh*ttacular opponent.  Or a typical Sunday spent at the K every summer prior to 2013.)

The Perfect Stevo Game is a tough one to accomplish.  You have to have perfect weather conditions (sunny and at least low 80s), perfect game conditions (Chiefs up at least three scores … or up at least fourteen, with the ball to open the half), and perfect opponent conditions (waving the white flag of surrender before kickoff).

Sunday?  All three are a decent possibility. 

Let’s make this happen, “Fat” Andy.  Let's make this happen, Chiefs players.  Let's make this happen, weather gods.

As for my prediction for Sunday’s game? 

(Pause).

(al gore at the 1992 dnc voice) The clock is ticking, and it is time.  It is time for ...

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* “Uum, gee, wow, uuh, how to put this delicately … Stevo?  Some of us rely on your “skill” at predicting NFL games to supplement our income!  Yet with the exception of your own admitted half assed effort in Week One, you haven’t posted a pick this season.  Do you not realize what you’re doing to the children of your friends?  How many of our kids won’t have as nice of a Christmas, because their daddy didn’t get to wager the opposite of what you predicted would happen?  Again: you are depriving my daughter of a better Christmas!  How dare you!” – Brent S, Incorporated Johnson County.

In my defense, I decided to employ a President Obama strategory this season.  If you never definitively stand for something, if you never put your name on a prediction (or a policy)?  Then how can you be held accountable for it?

Still, I’m a nice guy.  So if that strategory means your daughter only gets 894 gifts instead of 902 from everyone combined, well, then send me the bill for the difference, and you have my promise – I will treat your bill sent to me?

With the same level of urgency and attention and importance, that I pay to every request, to collect a debt from me.

* “Any new shows that have your attention this fall season?” – Frank L, El Paso.

Well, yes, there is.  There is one show that I knew when the schedule was released in May, would have me from moment uno.  And three episodes in, I’m actually falling more in love with said show, every week.

In the interest of fairness, there isn’t a whole lot of television left that I view as “appointment” viewing.  In the last ten years, I’ve seen (at least) ten of my favorite 27 shows of all time, exit stage left – “NYPD Blue”, “The West Wing”, “The Sopranos”, “Lost”, "Cold Case", “Friday Night Lights”, “How I Met Your Mother”, “Parks and Recreation”, “Parenthood”, and “Mad Men”. 

There aren’t many shows left I make a point to watch.  You can pretty much count them on one hand.  “The Good Wife” (which is the rarest of shows, that actually is worthy of the ridiculous media hype).  “Gotham” (which is so f*cking awesome right now – this second season is everything the first one should have been).  “American Idol” (yup, I’m still here, right to the bitter end eight months from now).  That’s about it. 

Oh, and “NCIS” if nothing else is on, on a typical Tuesday.

Which is why I love the fact, that Tuesdays aren’t typical anymore.

Because without question – (allard baird voice) without question! – my favorite new show of the fall is “The Muppets”.  So far, I’d argue it’s been as close to perfect as a show can get, right out of the gate. 

I mean, look it, we know what to expect going in.  We grew up with these people.  Which is why I am digging this show so much.  Setting it up as a behind-the-scenes look of the real life of a Muppet?  Is paying off handsomely.  And the subtle, smart-ass humor is laugh out loud funny.  Such as:

* Rowlf (my favorite Muppet) playing the bartender.  Because why wouldn’t a talking dog be everyone’s best friend, right?  Also, having to wear the cone because of his recent surgery, that was laugh out loud funny.

* The Swedish Chef.  He never gets old.  (We learned on Tuesday that his name is “Meegan”.)

* Bobo the Bear.  His one liners are awesome.  Telling Ron Swanson “I wish I could grow a beard like that”?  Brought the room down.

* Fozzie being Fozzie.  Gonzo being Gonzo.  (Excuse me: Gonzo being “Gary”.)  Sam the Eagle as the practices and standards boss.  (You can’t say hell!)  Animal destroying the drum as Imagine Dragons play.  Waldorf and Statler still there on the front row, still slinging the one-liners that never fail to make you laugh.  The “why not” celebrity cameos – so far, we’ve had Elizabeth Banks, Josh Groban, Nick Offerman, Liam Hemsworth, Christina Applegate, and a hilarious cameo by Laurence Fishburne, with more to come.

Sometimes, it’s kind of neat to feel like a kid again.  For thirty minutes a week, every Tuesday night?  I get to feel like a six year old again, parked in front of the television. 

And if you don't agree with me?  Well, then I apologize for nothing.  Because contrary to what Waldorf and Statler would lead you to believe?  It is NOT a kind of torture, to have to watch this show.

* “Wait – did you just say you still watch “American Idol”?  (brian griffin voice) What the hell?” -- Jasson W, Shawnee.

Yes, I still do.  I actually thought last season was quite entertaining.  I like both Clark and Nick's debut (and probably only) singles; I even have them on the Mixology Playlist for tailgating. 

The show itself, quite frankly, is as good as it’s ever been.  At least it was last season.  What murdered Idol was Season Nine, when Lee DeWyze somehow beat Crystal Bowersox (the single biggest outrage in that show's history), and the judging panel fully imploded with one awful hire (Ellen DeGeneres), one awful retention (Kara DiGuardio), and one ill-timed departure (Simon Cowell).

In that regard, “Idol” is no different than any other classic, well loved show that begins to show its age, and screws up the course-correction.  (The Danny Sorenson years on “NYPD Blue”, for example.)

It has one last gasp in it.  I truly hope it goes out with its greatest talent yet.

Speaking of Idol talent …

* “So please tell me, you’ve heard what is going to be the biggest hit of 2015 … if they release it.  I mean, this song is right up your alley – two of your favorite artists?  Collaborating?  On an epic track?  Oh, and can you add that bastard to Mixology?  Thanks buddy!” – Ryan M, Springfield.

Oh, I’ve heard it.

Oh yes, it will get released.

And oh hell yes, it’s on Mixology for Sunday.


I almost hate to admit this, as I’m still a (president obama voice) bitter clinger regarding Season Six’s final result.  You’ll meet no bigger backer of Blake Lewis than I was.  How Deadbeat Ex Roommate and The Champ tolerated me that spring, I have no idea. 

(That’s a lie.  I have more than an idea, and said idea will hopefully be more than medicinally legal in this great nation we call home very soon.)

So here goes: I think, when the dust settles fifty years from now, that Jordin Sparks will stand as the greatest, most successful star “Idol” ever produced.  Bigger than Kelly.  Bigger than Carrie.  Bigger than JHud.  Bigger than Scotty or Clay Aiken or Bucky Covington or even Sanjaya.

Hell, I’ll go there – bigger than David Cook.

* “You are so getting bitch slapped for that last comment when I see you on Sunday!” – Chris M, Blue Springs.

I’d expect nothing less.

* “You ready for bowling league?  Because I sure am!  (Pause).  Right!” – Penny H, Blue Springs.

Yup, I’m ready.  Although I can’t believe we’re up to fourteen teams.  That’s pretty cool.

Plus it’ll be really cool to get to see every week some great friends I miss working with, like yourself.  (Pause).  Right!

To say nothing of that DeHart guy picking up the tab for dinner every week.  Now that I’ve got my internal issues under control, hopefully I can finally take full advantage of his incredibly generous hospitality.

* “So you’re feeling better?” – Tyler C, Midtown.

Yes.  A million percent better.  Since being diagnosed with this lovely condition called diverticulitis, and going on these god-awful tasting fiber pills to regulate me, I gotta admit, I feel much, much better.

I’ve gained close to ten pounds in the last two months.  My appetite is back.  The beer/whiskey/vodka/shiraz gut is slowly yet surely returning.  And I can poop again!  (Seriously, I’m done mocking all the Metamucil and other “old folks with bladder issues” ads.  I’ve now been there, and now I’ve done that.  And like Luke Bryan?  I ain’t NEVER coming back.  You people don’t know pain until the sh*t in your colon literally starts seeping into the rest of your body.  And I say that as someone who has separated his shoulder before.  I hurt worse this summer from the (literal) crap inside me, than it hurt popping that bad boy back into place.)

So thanks for asking.  And also, it was great seeing you at the pool this summer.  If you ever come back from getting that pizza you went out for five years ago, feel free to join us at a tailgate or three this fall.

* “So what’s wrong with the Chiefs?  I mean, how can they look so damned good at Houston, look good enough to beat denver, and no-show the last two weeks?” – Damien J, Midtown.

Take a deep breath.  As Bush so epically recorded (yup, it’s on Mixology for Sunday): “breathe in, breathe out!  Breathe in, breathe out!”

(Sidebar: Sixteen Stone is one of the most underrated albums ever released.  “Everything Zen”, “Little Things”, “Comedown”, “Glycerine”, and of course, “Machinehead”, one of my twenty favorite songs ever.)

If someone had told you in early June, knowing the schedule, that the Chiefs would open 1-3, would you have been surprised?  Knowing you’re facing three Super Bowl contenders – one on a very short week – in a row, with two of them on the road, and the one at home is against a quarterback the Chiefs are now 1-13 against all time (counting playoffs; without playoffs, it’s still a god-awful 1-11 mark), would you have been stunned at all to hear that we’d open 1-3?

I think the reason 1-3 stings as it does isn’t because it’s unexpected or shocking; it’s that 2-2 was there for the taking against denver, and we (literally) left it lying on the turf, for the donkeys to take back.

* “Oh for Christ’s sake, you cannot be serious.  You actually think this team isn’t fatally flawed?” – Shannon T, Hyde Park.

I didn’t say that.  This team has some serious issues, not the least of which is the fact that Alex Smith is going to leave the field in a body bag, if the offensive line is truly this awful. 
But that also plays into the “first four” narrative – is anyone surprised facing four top-ten defenses that are known for aggressively attacking the line of scrimmage (and by extension, the backfield) has resulted in a sh*t ton of sacks and negative yardage plays? 

How much better are the Chiefs going to look facing a depleted Bears defense, a mediocre Vikings squad, a reeling Steelers squad, and the hopeless, hapless Detroit Lions, over the next four weeks?

We’re coming back to that last paragraph, in about five more queries.

* “So you’re not blaming the offense?  Stevo, they couldn’t find the godd*mned end zone in seven scoring drives on Sunday!  Are you as blind as you are dumb?” – Anthony R, Independence.

True story time!  I was at the Cowboys /Packers Monday Nighter in 1996, a virtual must-win in mid November for Dallas.  The Cowboys moved the ball at will all night long.  They couldn’t find the end zone.  They led 18-6 with barely a minute to play, when the Packers, on a desperation drive, turned the ball over on their side of the field.  And Barry Switzer – God love that man, because I sure do – sends out Chris Boniol to tack on the “eff you” field goal, to give Dallas a 21-6 win.

Why did Ol’ Bar trot out Mr. Boniol in that spot?  (The game was over; Green Bay was out of timeouts, and down two scores.)  Mostly because the NFL record for field goals in a game at that point was six, and if Mr. Boniol hit his seventh, he’d hold the record.

(Needless to say, the kick was good.)

But also partly because, up twelve, with a little time left on the clock, the gimme three made perfect sense to take.

I flashed back to that moment on Sunday, as “Fat” Andy trotted out Cairo Santos, as the Chiefs trailed 28-15, then again as they trailed 36-18.

Because what alternative did he have?  Just like Barry Switzer had to drop the “eff you” moment on a hated rival to give his guy a kick, because the score demanded it?

Same thing on Sunday.

You can argue we should have gone for it at 28-15; you’ll get no disagreement from me.  (I unloaded on Twitter over that decision, which is as indefensible now, as it was then, especially with the benefit of hindsight.)  But the field goal at least made sense – there was still ten minutes left, you cut the lead to ten, and you take requiring two touchdowns out of the equation.  Ditto the last field goal – you’re down 18.  You need three scores, and one has to be a field goal.

Am I happy with seven field goals?  No.  Can I live with it, given what the alternative(s) were?  Yes.

So no, I’m not blaming the offense. 

* “So you’re blaming the defense?” – Jaimmie R, Independence.

F*ck yes I am.

Where do you want to begin, on the opportunities lost so far? 

They let the Texans back into a game they had no business being in.  That, I will grant you, is probably due more to “Fat” Andy pulling back, given the short week facing the team.  (That, and unless the 1 in 20 shot of recovering an onside kick occurs, that game was over with 14 to play.)

They had a seven point lead, at home, against our most (modern) hated of rivals, with 2:36 to play, a crowd as fired up (and in my case, “Jacked Up”) as imaginable, simply needing one stand to finally slay the demon known as satan manning and the donkeys.

They failed. 

They forced the potential game-altering turnover at Green Bay … and were flagged for defensive holding.  The very next play, was a bomb that broke the back of the resistance.

And Cincinnati.  Good God.  (cyndi lauper voice) Time after time in that second half, they had the chance to get the Bengals off the field, force a stand.  And (javier colon voice) time after time, they failed epically to do that.

They’ve given up 31, 38, and 36 in the last three weeks.  You know who didn’t manage to give up 30 plus for three straight weeks, at ANY stretch of the season?

The 32 Defense.  (AKA the 2002 Chiefs.)

Their yielded points, game by game:

* at Browns (W): 39.
* vs Jaguars (L): 23.
* at Patriots (L): 41.
* vs Dolphins (W): 30.
* at Jets (W): 25.
* at Chargers (L): 35.
* vs donkeys (L): 37.
* vs raiders (W): 10.
* at 49ers (L): 17.
* vs Bills (W): 16.
* at Seahawks (L): 39.
* vs Cardinals (W): 0.
* vs Rams (W): 10.
* at donkeys (L): 31.
* vs Chargers (W): 22.
* at raiders (L): 24.

The WORST defense in NFL history?  Was BETTER at this point, than this current Chiefs defense, at least in terms of defending the goalline, and the goal posts.

The 2013 Chiefs made NFL history by not allowing a team to score more than 16 points in a game, until Week 11.  (Although to be fair, three opponents – the Cowboys (Week Two), the Titans (Week Five), and the Texans (Week Seven), all reached 16 on the scoreboard.) 

The 2015 Chiefs?  Haven’t held a team under 20 so far this year.

You REALLY want to blame the offense, the offensive game plan, and the execution of said game plan?  Be my guest.

But you’ll look REALLY stupid, in doing so.

* “So how do you fix this?” – Chris N, Quality Hill.

You don’t.

* “Wait … what?” – Geoff K, Oak Grove.

You can’t fix this defense.  It’s fundamentally flawed.  And I’m not blaming “Bulldog” Bob Sutton, or any other member of the coaching staff for it.  The premise of this defense, is fundamentally flawed.

DJ isn’t DJ anymore.  He’s clearly lost at least a step, from his (al michaels voice) knee last year.  Eric Berry has clearly lost a step, from his (al michaels voice) cancer last year.  Mike DeVito has clearly lost a step, from his (al michaels voice) injury last year.  Sean Smith needs at least two, maybe three weeks, to get into his usual form.  Phillip Gaines is hurt.  Marcus Cooper looks worse in coverage than I did back in the day, trying to cover Mark or Jasson or even Gregg sprinting down the sideline, on the hallowed turf of Holy Trinity, every Sunday afternoon after the Chiefs game was over. 

(Yes, we really did play tackle football nearly every Sunday after the Chiefs and Mass were finished for the day … and yes, I really did get lit like a Christmas tree, attempting to play corner.  High school: the most wasted four years of your life … in which you probably aren’t actually wasted!)

Husain Abdullah has regressed; Ron Parker has all but disappeared. 

Which is why I think it’s time, to employ a different strategory, I hope we see as soon as tomorrow.

Or, to put it another way …

* “OK, you’ve mentioned the Miami game (in 2002) is your favorite game from the Richard A. Vermeil era.  Why, exactly, is a meaningless game to close September, so damned important to you?  Is this another “why I’ll be living at Two Rivers in 2018” moment?” – Anthony V, Overland Park.

Well, there’s “The Plea”, still my finest writing creation of my life.  And yes, the urban legend is true – I really did craft this in less than 30 minutes, sitting in the ol’ computer room at “The 23330”, after getting irritated listening to sports talk radio on the drive home from work. 

But more to the point, exiting that Dolphins game?

Was the one moment, I truly and honestly believed, the Richard A. Vermeil experiment could work.

Because THAT was the game – at least for a game – that Dick Vermeil got it.

For at least a week – and to be fair, for at least two, given the Jets game that followed that Dolphins win – Dick Vermeil got it.

When your defense can’t stop anybody?

Do everything imaginable, to keep them off the f*cking field.

That was the day Dick Vermeil (and Al Saunders, to both of their credits), took the gloves off of Trent Green.  That was the day the Chiefs truly, and completely, embraced the “we have to score on every possession to win” mentality that fueled those 2002 and 2003 squads.

If your defense can’t stop anyone?  Fine.  Maximize what your offense can do.

That, folks, is what “Fat” Andy needs to do.  You started to see it in the second half against Green Bay.  You also sorta, kinda saw it against Cincinnati (where the Chiefs looked spectacular on third down – I’ll take a 50% conversion rate every week, especially when the average is 3rd and 9, as it was on Sunday).

Sunday?  The tarp needs to come off of the Corvette.

Alex Smith isn’t the best quarterback in this league … but he’s no worse than Trent Green or Elvis Grbac ever were.  Jeremy Maclin is the best wideout this team has had since Andre Rison in 1997.  (And probably better than “Bad Moon”, since, you know, he's never tried to burn al davis' house down.)  Travis Kelce is no Tony Gonzalez … but he’s also no Tony Moeaki, no Brad Cottam, no "Mountain Man" Sean McGrath.  Jamaal Charles is the best running back this franchise has ever had.  Anthony Sherman is at least a poor man's Tony Richardson, and he's certainly better than a rich man's Kimble Anders. 

You have weapons, “Fat” Andy, on offense.  Let them do their job.

I fully hope that on Sunday, you are going to see a Chiefs effort that will impress and thrill and excite you, especially on offense.

Because the alternative?

Well, uuh … is why I post this next query:

* “So which season is this one all over again – 2002, or 2012?” – Stevo, South KC.

I’ll give the Chiefs this: they never fail to create “the moment”. 

Sunday? 

Is the defining moment of the 2015 season.

Either the gloves come off, the coaching staff unleashes the weapons they have on offense, acknowledge the fatal flaws they have on defense, and the Chiefs win 48-10 against a worthless Bears team going nowhere anytime soon … or the Chiefs continue with the same fatally flawed belief that this defense is fixable, is improvable, and that the offense is the problem, and lose 24-28, and launch into that collection of great underachievers that currently counts the 1996, 1998, 2004, and 2012 Chiefs, as members.

If the Chiefs pull this off, consider the next three weeks leading into the bye -- a winnable roadie at Minnesota (where half the crowd should be in red), a home game against a reeling Steelers squad, and a trip across the pond to play the only winless team in the League.  5-3 at the bye is not out of the question, and I'd argue 4-4 at worst should be a minimal expectation. 

And our last five?  At oakland / vs San Diego / at Baltimore / vs Cleveland / vs oakland.  As things stand now?  I'd wager on the Chiefs being favorites in all five contests.

The path to 10-6 and a showdown at Indy in the wildcard round is clear.  The path to 11-5 and threatening to win the division is at least doable.  The path to 12-4 and a division championship is probably closed (do you see us closing 11-1?), but every team in this division is one fortuitous injury to satan manning away, from controlling their own destiny.

The rally has to begin on Sunday.

Or else the last rites get performed on Monday.

Speaking of last rites potentially being performed on Monday …

* "A division championship!  Can you freaking believe it!" -- Phil S, Overland Park.

To paraphrase a famous advertisement: they've come a long way, baby.  It's hard to believe that a team so utterly unwatchable, than when you asked The Voice of Reason how much he wanted for the ticket when we went to some day game 11 years ago, his response was "my not having to be there is payment enough!", it's hard to believe that team suddenly owns the best record in the American League, and has home field advantage in every series it participates in.

Friday, we tried like mad to get a radio broadcast in the office.  Didn’t work.  I had the MLB app pulled up on my phone.  It was 4-2 as my route home approached Waldo.  Then Cain got on base.  I pulled the wire to let me off the Metro.  I darted across traffic on 75th Street, headed into Stevo’s Site Numero Dos’ Official Bar, Quinton’s, and Ricki had my whiskey and coke ready for me as I took my usual seat.  (Note: when the bartender tells people “hey, that’s Stevo’s seat, you can’t sit here unless he doesn’t show by 5:15”?  You might have a drinking problem.  (Pause).  Wait, that so doesn’t sound good for me, does it.  (Pause).  (lee corso voice) Aw, f*ck it!)

I no sooner got that first taste of Gentleman Jim and Coke down the back of my throat, than Eric Hosmer drove home the run that made it 4-3.  The Royals won 5-4.

They play Sunday at 3:10, Monday at high noon.

I plan to start drinking, a helluva lot sooner, than the fifth inning, both days.

And if there is a Game Five?

It’s a 7:07 first pitch.

My bowling league starts at 5:15. 

Royals fans?  We – and my liver – got this.  I swear – we got this.

* “You argued all day yesterday that “this is why we traded for Johnny Cueto”.  Really?  Are you still 100% confident this team will win the American League pennant again?” – Drew K, Shawnee.

Well, Johnny may have sh*t the bed his first couple innings, but give these guys credit – ZERO runs in the last six innings.  They’re like the Bizarro Chiefs at this point: they actually get BETTER, as the game progresses.

And let’s just be honest here: Johnny Cueto did exactly what we needed him to do yesterday.  He got six innings.  He ultimately left with the game tied.  You get to Inning Seven tied or with a lead, with this bullpen? 

I’ll just let the stat speak for itself.  The Royals – after yesterday – are now 152-4 the last two years (counting postseason), when they lead after seven innings.

And yes, I am still 100% confident the Royals are winning the American League pennant again.

* “(We’ll) be there Sunday (Rangers / Jays Game Three)!  Any advice on how to act?” – Zach K, Fort Worth.

Four pieces of it.

1. Be loud.  Be so f*cking loud, your neighbors complain.  Make your cousin proud, dude.

2. Tom Hanks is a liar – it’s perfectly cool to cry at a baseball game.  Especially when your team attains an unrealistic dream.  And Christ above, I pray the Rangers pull off the sweep, on Sunday night. 

And …

3. Patriots at Cowboys, is a 3:25 kickoff.  Your game starts at 7:10.  I’d suggest you pull a Cousin Stevo, and arrive at 11am, just to be safe and ensure you have a parking spot.

And …

4. One final thing:

My mom isn’t her biggest fan.

Which means she’s a f*cking keeper.

So put a ring on it, stat.

And with that?  We’re in range.

* “Wow, not one word on Geno Smith?  Some Jets fan you are!” – Dustin H, Olathe.

He got literally (c-word) slapped by a pissed off teammate.  What does it say about how hated Geno Smith must be in the locker room, that The Sanchize can commit “The Butt Fumble”, and nobody attacks him … but Geno Smith is literally (c-word) slapped by a worthless backup linebacker … and NOBODY on the 90 man roster even attempts to defends him, from said slap?

(Because let’s be honest, there’s a b*tch slap … and then there’s a (c-word) slap.  Your starting QB getting smacked in the locker room, and NOBODY comes to his defense, and not only did nobody come to his defense, but damned near everyone defended the attacker?  That’s a (c-word) slap.)

* “OK, where the hell were you on Saturday night?” – Ashley G, Bonner Springs.

Last Saturday night was my high school twentieth year reunion.

I chose not to go.

In my defense, I never RSVP’d yes.  I said maybe.

And I chose not to go.

My reason is very simple: my life has been anything but a success.  I quite frankly, didn’t want to spend three hours in a room with people who are a success.  I mean, what have I exactly accomplished in life?

I post on this site every so often, so I’m an unpaid writer.  I work for a company I enjoy working for … but in a job you couldn’t pay someone else to do.  I mean, I work in a position, where we have pre-meetings, to lay out a workable agenda for our actual meetings, to deal with our system issues, our incompetent co-workers in other areas, and “Waldorf and Stadler” out in Seattle.

I’m not married, I have no kids (although I do enjoy the Unca Teve role tremendously), and while I can manage and balance “company I work for”’s finances spectacularly well, I couldn’t manage mine competently even if God Himself was looking over my shoulder as I pay the bills each month.  I drink too much, I enjoy a medicinally legal herbal product too much, and I’ve never met a bet I can resist making.

My one success in life?  Is the friends that I have.  

And I don’t need to show up at a reunion, to see those who truly matter to me.  I already see and talk to them, every opportunity I get.

So I didn’t go.

(forrest gump voice) And that’s all I have to say about that.

And for the grand finale ...


* "So seriously, back to this not posting your picks thing.  You're robbing my kids of extra gifts too.  But that I can deal with.  It's not like the grandparents don't spoil them rotten.  But seriously, Stevo -- we need the "Klassy" Kevin Keitzman Tweet O' The Week.  (Pause).  Fine -- I NEED the "Klassy" Kevin Keitzman Tweet O' The Week.  It's the one moment in the week guaranteed to bring the room down.  Can you at least try to post that every week the rest of the way?" -- Gregg G, Bonner Springs.

Well, let's see what our ol' friend, ol' pal, ol' descomisado, the coookie diet pimping, gas-fire-grill hawking, (alleged) intern head receiving radio host himself, has been up to in the past few days, shall we?

Here's his thought from yesterday, regarding Johnny Cueto:


 (For the record, Mr. Cueto threw three scoreless innings, after this tweet went out.)

Oh, but here's a prescient thought from yesterday:


(For the record, Ben Zobrist had the game-winning RBI, driving home Alcides Escobar in the bottom of the seventh, to save the Royals season.)

But here, ladies and gentlemen, peoples and peepettes, stoners and stonerettes, is the "tweet de resistance":


Sweet f*cking Lord Jesus above -- Ol' Klassy has a blog?!?!?!?!  THIS I must check out!

Here's your home page:


And sweet merciful Lord Jesus above, where do I begin?

For starters, the "Family Man" himself, "Klassy" Kevin Keitzman, has his blog hosted on a ticket resale site.  Let that sink in -- a man who claims to stand for good ol' fashioned Christian family values, has his site hosted by a company that violates religious law, and practices usury, to make their living.  (It's what Jesus himself was so enraged over when he saw it, that he trashed the Temple.)  

"K"KK posts on a site that exploits people for money.  That's great.  What's next -- a blog for D Clink hosted by QuikCash or American Payday Loans?

Then, when you actually click on the previously posted, uuh, posts, you discover ... this isn't "Klassy" Kevin's blog at all!  There's multiple people posting on this site!

But wait -- didn't Ol' Klassy claim it was HIS blog, in his tweet above?  Say what you want to about me -- again, most of it negative, probably all of it true -- but when I link you to MY site?

EVERY godd*mned post on this site, has been authored by me.  All 821 (counting this post, as well as counting the deleted post from May of 2013 I wish to God I'd never taken down) posts and counting.

I don't employ someone named "Joel Goldberg" or "John Holiman" or "Jack Harry" to write on MY blog.  I write on my blog!  Not someone else -- me!  Your ol' buddy Stevo!  When I claim something is MY site?  I own said site!

But, in the interest of fairness, I have turned over portions of posts on this site, to my great friends and readers, on occasion.  So let's cut Ol' KKK some slack, alright?

Because even if he posts maybe once, twice a month, he can still lay claim to it being "his site".

Folks?

HE'S SUBMITTED ONE POST EVER ON "HIS" SITE!!!!!!!

ONE!

Yet he has the audacity to call it "my" Royals blog, to the Twitterverse.

I'm calling bullsh*t on that one, pal.  Bull.  F*cking.  Sh*t.

And that, is your "Klassy" Kevin Keitzman, "Tweet O' The Week" moment for this week, brought to you by the Prairie Village Police Department.  Because -- and folks?  I couldn't make sh*t this hysterical up on my own even if I had Fozzie the Bear writing the script -- here is truly, your "Klassy" Kevin Keitzman Tweet O' The Week Moment:


"K"KK re-tweeting a police force.  I just hope and pray his pants were pulled up, when he sent that one out to the masses.

I trust, "Voice of Reason", that meets your request?

And I trust, readers and readerettes, that giving you a Fake Mailbag, meets your needs as well.

Until next time?

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