Friday, October 28, 2016

week eight: time to open your eyes, chiefs fans ...

“And there are days when I’m losing my faith,
Because the man wasn’t good – he was great!
He’d say “Music was the home for your pain” –
And explained – (when) I was young, he would say

“Take that rage! 
Put it on a page!
Take that page to the stage –
Then blow the roof off the place!”

I’m trying to make you proud;
Do everything you did.
I hope you’re up there with God,
Saying “that’s my kid!”

I still look for your face
In the crowd –
Oh, if you could see me now!
(Oh, if you could see me now!)

Watch you stand in disgrace –
Or take a bow?
Oh, if you could see me now!
(Oh, if you could see me now!) …”


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Last Week SU: 8-6-1.
Season to Date SU: 59-47-1.

Last Week ATS: 9-5-0.
Season to Date ATS: 57-45-5.

Last Week Upset O’ The Week: looked good until the fumble …
Season to Date Upset / Week SU: 4-3-0.
Season to Date Upset / Week ATS: 5-2-0.
This Week’s Upset O’ The Week: Saints (+2 1/2) over Seahawks.

Last Week SUCK: now that’s what I’m talkin’ bout, Willis!
Season to Date SUCK: 3-4.
This Week’s SUCK: Packers (+2 ½) over Falcons.  Good God, how is Atlanta favored? 

(Note: the SUCK gets credit for being wrong, as it is my favorite bet on the board.)

This Week’s Non-Jets, Non-Chiefs Best Guesses:

Byes: Giants, 49ers, Rams, Dolphins, Steelers, Ravens.  At best, one of these six is making the postseason.  And it’ll be whoever wins on Christmas Day – Ravens or Steelers.

* My Thursday Night pick was Jaguars (+3 ½) 28, at Titans 17.  Whoops.  Still, I’m riding this puppy / pony / rooster / rubber chicken until the wheels fall off.  I mean, the Texans opened 2-5 last year and won this craptacular division.  Even with the loss last tonight, the Jags only drop to … 2-5.  The Jacksonville Jaguars are going to win the AFC South.  Probably at 6-10, but still – I’m not giving up the faith!

(george strait voice) And if you’ll buy that?  I’ll throw the Golden Gate in free!

Also – absolutely “Good Times Game O’ The Week”. 

* Redskins (+2 ½) 31, Bengals 28 (London).  One of these teams is going to suffer a crushing defeat for their playoff hopes entering the bye.

* at Panthers (-1) 41, “Super” Cardinals 14.  Major course correction coming for your Carolina Panthers, starting Sunday.  And somehow, a game involving two teams that went 29-3 in the regular season last year?  “Webster Game O’ The Week”.

* at Bills (+3 ½) 28, Patriots 17.  If the Buffalo Bills cannot win this game, in this spot, then they should just disband the franchise.

* at Texans (-1) 27, Lions 17.  Brave Brock Osweiler recovers nicely from the debacle on Monday night.

* at Saints (+2 ½) 38, Seahawks 28.  For all the talk about how god awful the AFC South is (and it’s hideous) … uuh, is the NFC South really any better? 

* at Bucs (pick) 28, raiders 24.  The raiders cannot possibly get to 5-0 on the road, can they?  With all five games starting at 10am PT?  (Note: this is the single biggest reason I think oakland is reaching the postseason – after this week, they play all eight of their remaining games at 1pm PT or later.  No travel issues remaining.  Look out, AFC.  Look out.)

* “Super” Chargers (+5 ½) 28, at satan’s squad 17.  If “tulip” trevor siemian is the answer, then “remember kyle orton opened 6-0 in 2009” should be the question.

* Packers (+2 ½) 38, at “Shane” Falcons 31.  Report: Atlanta fans more panicked about a 2016 collapse than they were about an 1864 collapse.

* at Cowboys (-4 ½) 31, Eagles 24.  God bless it, I hate that I won’t get to watch this one.  (Pause).  What?  (Pause).  Oh, good point – radio still exists!

* Vikings (-4 ½) 27, at Bears 20.  I know this is a popular upset pick … but sorry, I just don’t see it.

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The “Klassy” Kevin Keitzman Tweet O’ The Week:

Presented without comment:



The Watch Party Plans:

There are no The Watch Party Plans, because …

The Tailgating Plans:

… we’re going streaking!

No, wait – I mean, we’re going road tripping!

“The Kids” of our tailgating group are headed to Indy. 

If you’re headed up, hit me up.  I’m not sure what parking lot we’ll be in yet, because someone (* cough me cough *) hasn’t bought a parking pass yet.  (It’s on the list of things to do today, I swear.)  But if you’re headed up, feel free to join us.  The weather looks gorgeous, and I hope – if not pray – that I get to experience something I never have before: a game in a dome … with the roof open. 

Inside Mixology:

This week’s pick is ironic, in that it is my dad’s self-proclaimed favorite song.

The irony, is that I’ve never even associated the product, with my father.

But oh hell yes, it can be associated with the son.

(Wait, that’s me.  Hang on, I might need to rephrase that …)

This week’s pick is “One Toke Over the Line” by Brewer and Shipley, and yes, peoples and peepettes, I cop, I plead, I concede, I have been at least “one toke over the line” a time or fifteen (hundred) * in my life. 

The reason I think this song is so beloved by so many people in my family, isn’t the insinuation it, uuh, insinuates.  (Namely, you’re baked off your ass after a (tom petty voice) “last dance with mary jane”).  No, it’s for the chorus’ catch phrase – “Sweet Jesus!”

My mom gets irrationally enraged if you even say “God Bless” … but she tolerates “Sweet Jesus!” (something my brother says every time he gets a chance to).  Even my dad will caution a “please, choose Judas Priest instead next time” if I drop a “Judas Priest” blast … and he’ll drop “Sweet Jesus!” at least five times in a casual conversation.

A song about being baked off your ass as a railway station.

Sweet Jesus, that’s … hell, let Brewer and Shipley take it away:

“I wanna be one toke over the line, Sweet Jesus!
One toke over the line!
Sitting on a railway station!
One toke over the line!

One toke over the line!!!!!!!!”

Nine more to go folks … and the one up next, was THE guaranteed “if you can nail the dance moves to this song – and really, just nail one moment of the dance moves in particular – dancing to this song?  You are getting “nailed” at least twice tonight!” four minutes of greatness, nearly every male pushing forty today, felt (gulp) seventeen years ago.

Or, think #likeawreckingball for those of you who weren’t of legal drinking age in 2000.

And that?

Ain’t no lie.

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(*: I have said for pushing twenty years that every budget issue the federal government has can be solved by legalizing two things – marijuana and sports wagering – and taxing the hell out of them like we do tobacco.  We’re on the cusp of one of these happening if November 8th goes as hoped for on this site. 

(Note: in the interest of full disclosure – and as always, I will post my ballot no later than Election Day – in the interest of full disclosure, Stevo’s Site Numero Dos and its primary author both strongly endorse Secretary Clinton for the Presidency, and strongly encourage each and every person reading this to vote Clinton / Kaine on November 8th.)

Thirty year old me is beyond ecstatic, at what (almost) forty year old me cannot believe is about to occur – not just finally getting to undo the disgrace that was the 2008 Democratic Primary … but seeing a product that got me through (at least) half of my twenties and half of my thirties, finally legalized.  Or at least decriminalized.

Or, from the second verse of the theme to this post, that I didn’t quote as the theme lyrics:

“I know it’s been a while,
But I can see you clear as day!
Right now?
I wish I could hear you say

I drink too much,
And I smoke too much dutch –
But if you can’t see me now?
That sh*ts a must!”

C’mon America – irregardless how you vote?  Let us see you now, on November 8th.  (Pause).  Especially if, like me, you are #withher.  (Double Pause).  And especially if, like me, you want the national disgrace known as Roy Blunt sent into retirement ASAFP.)

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The Jets “If We Lose This One, It’s Beyond Over” Wild Hair:

I mean, for God’s sake.  If you can’t beat the Cleveland Browns – who currently list seventh stringer (and Chiefs draft pick) Kevin Hogan as the starter for Sunday, then all hope is lost.  Because as I noted last week, the path to 10-6 / 8-4 / 5-1 is still wide, wide, wide, wide open for Gang Green.

* Jets (-2) 24, at Browns 10.

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The Chiefs Pigskin (And Porn-Star Free) Prognostication:

Peoples and peepettes, I’m going to keep this relatively brief, relatively simple, relatively to the point.

(everyone voice) Yeah, I’m calling bullsh*t!

Nah, for once – I think I’m being honest.

Because Sunday?

It’s time to let the nation?

See (us) now.

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I used to go to Indianapolis at least twice a year – the Indy 500, and the Brickyard 400.  Three of us going this weekend, have never been to Indianapolis Motor Speedway; I’ve already made those three promise to at least drive us to that magical spot at 16th and Georgetown, to take in the immensity, the history, the awesomeness, that is IMS.

(And if we can wake up early enough, or get out of Lucas Oil and Downtown Indy early enough, I’ll make sure they at least drive into the joint and tour the only museum I’ll pay to enter … if not take the honorary lap, and kiss the bricks.)

Indy is a special place to this Chiefs fan, and not just because of the amazing, incredible moments witnessed in that fine town.

Indy is a “special” place to this Chiefs fan, because when it comes to the Colts, it often means tragedy.

It way too often means “death”.

Both figuratively … and literally.

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The last time I stepped foot in Indianapolis was for the 2013 Wild Card Game.  The Chiefs lost 44-45 via the second greatest comeback in NFL Postseason history.

Some people remember that game for the epic collapse, and yeah, I’m one of them.  (You can read the recap of everything pre-kickoff by clicking here; you can read the recap of everything post-kickoff by clicking here.)

But I also remember it for more than that.

It was the last game Chiefs Red Coater, at (worst) good friend, and longtime tailgating partner Bill Williams ever attended, prior to his tragic passing four months later.

I know he was there, because as “The Collapse” was occurring, and I headed down for yet another stiff vodka concoction to try to compute what was happening, he was there in the concourse, doing the same thing.

I wrote after his passing that I wish I’d done things differently down the stretch, and I stand by that conviction.  Life is too godd*mned short to spend time fighting over trivial, meaningless sh*t. 

Someday, whatever your relationship with me might be?  The only thing you or I will be able to say after one of us passes away, is “Oh!  If you could see me now!”.  The only question is, will that statement be made in regret, or in pride?

I truly hope nobody ever has to say that about me, in regret.  And God above, I pray I never have to say that, about any of you, in regret.

Because I say it with regret, at damned near every Chiefs tailgate, about Bill.

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OK, enough with the sentiment and depression.

The theme song was chosen because it’s a homage to parents, a shout-out to great friends, who have guided and crafted the life we lead.  It’s a credit, a tribute, to those who have forged us into what we are.  And it’s a tip o’ the cap, to the genius and greatness we all are capable of being, if we simply apply what we’ve been taught, what we’ve been shown we know.

(Pause).

And yes, I know, that begs the Captain Oats in the room – if I can claim the amazing mom and dad I have, and the beyond inspiring friends I have, how the f*ck did I wind up so, uuh, f*cked up?  Damned if I know.  But I’m not apologizing for knowing any of you … even if an apology for knowing me, is giving me too much.

It’s also a positive, upbeat anthem, stressing to anyone who will listen that our past?  Does NOT define our future! 

(Pause).

Hey, I get it now!  That’s why you people love me!  I’ve learned from my f*ck ups and failures, and emerged better because of them!  I get it now – “oh!  If you could see me now!”

I know the obvious thing to say is that it is time to exact some revenge on those people for 1/4/14.  And 1/6/07.  And 1/11/04.  And 1/7/96.  (And the de-facto playoff game, 12/15/96.) 

Five times in twenty years these guys have ended the Chiefs season short of bringing Lamar’s Trophy home.  Five times these guys have derailed the Chiefs season in a virtual or actual playoff game.

Which is why the punch line from verse one of this epic track by The Script, hit me as it did:

“Take that rage,
Put it on the page –
Take the page to the stage,
And blow the roof off the place!”

I say it’s high damned time we end their season, before it actually has a chance to begin.

Not a single one of those five prior Chiefs squads, can hold a candle to this one.

It’s time to let the nation?

Not see us for who we were, Arrowhead Nation.

It’s time to let them see (us)?

Now.

To quote one more time from the theme (not actually quoted in the opening):

“Would you call me a saint or a sinner;
Would you love me a loser or winner?
When I see my face in the mirror?
We look so alike, it makes me shiver!”

Sunday, the Chiefs aren’t going to be the sinner, and they aren’t going to be the loser. 

“I still look for your face,
In the crowd –
Oh!  If you could see me now!
(Oh!  If you could see me now!)”

I’ll be there Sunday. 

“Watch you stand in disgrace,
Or take a bow?
Oh!  If you could see me now!
(Oh!  If you could see me now!)

And the Chiefs, sure as sh*t, won’t be standing in disgrace.

They’re going to be taking a bow, to all of us massed in the northeast end zone, when time expires.

Just as they did all of us in the southeast end zone at NRG Reliant, ten short months ago.

* Chiefs (-2 ½) 35, at Colts 31, via a Spencer Ware touchdown from 7 yards out, with 0:13 remaining, capping off a drive that begins at the Chiefs 3 with a little over 6 to play, trailing 28-31.  (damien voice) God F*cking Dammit!  Stop with the exact predictions!  I’m running out of t-shirts to sweat through!

Sorry dude.  This one will be stressful … but successful.

Get ready, Arrowhead Nation.  Because after Sunday?  Nobody will be able to say, that they can’t see us now …

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also, apologies on the layout ...

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