Saturday, October 22, 2016

week seven: this is the start of something ...

This is the start of something good –
Don’t you agree?

Haven’t like this in so many moons –
You know what I mean?

And we can build through
This distraction?
As we are standing
On our feet!

Since you want to be with me?
You’ll have to follow through,
With every word you say!

And I?
All I really want is you!
You to stick around!
I’ll see you every day!

But you have to follow through!
You have to follow through! …”


Last Week SU: 10-5-0.
Season to Date SU: 51-41-0.

Last Week ATS: 8-5-2.
Season to Date SU: 48-39-5.

Last Week Upset O’ The Week: looked good for a half!
Season to Date Upset / Week SU: 4-2-0.
Season to Date Upset / Week ATS: 5-1-0.
This Week’s Upset O’ The Week: Texans (+7 ½) over satan’s squad.

Last Week SUCK: God bless, I’m on a roll … and for once, that’s not a good thing.
Season to Date SUCK: 2-4-0, L4.
This Week’s SUCK: Seahawks (+2) over “Super” Cardinals.

(Note: the SUCK gets credit for being wrong, since it is my favorite bet on the board.  And this week's SUCK might be my favorite line so far this year, for what it's worth.  Which is a freight ton of Chrismukkah gifts for the kiddos, if you load up on the Cardinals ...)


The Non-Jets, Non-Chiefs “Fling It And Pray” Prognostications:

(Sadly, still porn-star free.)

* Byes: Cowboys, Panthers.  Holy spitballs, Batman!  What a difference a year makes!  Anyone who thought one of these teams would be 1-5 at the bye, raise your hand.  (Stevo surveying the classroom.)  That seems about right – about half your hands are up.  OK, anyone who thought the 1-5 squad would be your Carolina Panthers, raise your hand.  (Stevo surveying the classroom.)  Yeah, that’s what I thought.

Thankfully, neither squad employs “Sur” William Callahan, so there won’t be any surrendering to “Bye” – or Kansas – this upcoming weekend.

* My Thursday Night pick was at Packers (-9) 34, Bears 13.  If the Packers sh*t the bed at home in this one, they’re in serious, serious trouble.  Unfortunately, they didn't sh*t said proverbial bed.

* Rams (-2 ½) 31, Giants 24 (Game Played in London).  Seriously, when is some poor Season Ticket Member "across the pond" going to sue over the crap being sent their way?  At least next week, you get two division winners from 2015 facing off.  But how sad is it, that this?  Is the first time in ten attempts the NFL is sending two squads that are at least .500 over there to (coach don fambrough voice) showdown, throwdown, hoedown?  Because it won't occur next week (the best the Bengals can be is 3-4).

* Bills (-3) 41, at Dolphins 13.  Dear Miami Dolphins, Stevo has zero – zip, zilch, nada – confidence in your ability to pull off a second straight hu-yuge upset at home.  Please prove me wrong.  Sincerely, Stevo.

* Colts (+2 ½) 34, at Titans 21.  I’m sorry – the thought that there is a very real probability the Tennessee Titans will be tied for first place come Tuesday morning, is a thought I’m not ready to contemplate yet.  The Colts save their season with a gigantic road win (by AFC South standards, anyways), to set up one fun roadie for me and a few friends next week, as they host the Red and Gold.

* at Lions (-1) 24, Redskins 21.  I have zero confidence in this pick.  Zero.

* at Jaguars (-1 ½) 31, raiders 28 (OT).  The Jags next four: vs oak / at Tenn (Thurs) / at KC / vs Hou.  We’ll know at least two weeks before Thanksgiving whether this team is good enough to win the woeful AFC South (which I still think they will do) or not.

* at Eagles (+2 ½) 31, Vikings 30.  God I love this game.  A very small part of me wishes I’d be home watching it live.  Then a very large part of me realizes the game I’ll be watching, uuh, live, is going to be even funner this one, and I smile.  Wait, where was I going with this?  Sh*t if I know.

* at “Shane” Falcons (-6 ½) 31, “Super” Chargers 24.  The “Super” Chargers pretty much have to sweep this road trip, to keep the season (and their future in San Diego?) alive.  There’s just two problems with that – the road trip is at Atlanta, and at denver.  Good luck with that, Phyllis.

Also, we’re what, nine picks in, and not a single one of these games is unwatchable.  Not a single one of these games makes me yearn for three hours of “Good Times”, “ALF”, “Webster”, or “Growing Pains”.  Let alone “One Day At A Time”.  Good job, NFL schedule dude or dudette!

* Bucs (+2) 31, at 49ers 20.  Believe it or not, this isn’t even close to the most f*cked up line of the week.  We’re getting there shortly.  

* Patriots 24, at Steelers (+7) 20.  I think the Steelers keep it closer than you’d expect with Landry Jones under center.

Also, my buddy Dustin and I (no, not that Dustin) were talking at work yesterday, and he raised a valid point: if Landry Jones hadn’t started that game at Arrowhead one calendar year ago this weekend, do the Chiefs win that game, and begin the winning streak?  If Big Ben was healthy and playing, does the miraculous turnaround of 2015 even occur for the Chiefs?  Those are legitimate questions I frankly have no interest, in pondering the answer to.

* Seahawks (+2) 45, at “Super” Cardinals 13.  How?  How in God’s name are the Arizona “Super” Cardinals favored in this game?  How?  What have they shown so far this year that leads you to believe they should be anything other than a touchdown underdog?  This line is so ridiculous I might wager on it.

* Texans (+7 ½) 30, at satan’s squad 17.  To you delusional donkey fans out there – and I will freely grant you, calling a fan of the denver broncos delusional is the equivalent of calling me a (semi-functional) alcoholic, because both are true.  But to you delusional donkey fans out there, have you watched your squad the last two weeks?  Atlanta blew you out of fake mile high.  San Diego blew you out of The Murph.  And for all the talk about how that most classless of assholes demonic of demons wants revenge on Brave Brock Osweiler * for saying “aw hell no!” to his offer to quarterback his squad?

Has it ever occurred to you people that maybe Brave Brock Osweiler is entering this one just as ready to shove it down satan’s throat, as satan is prepared to shove it up Brave Brock’s ass?  (Hey, this post may be (sadly) porn-star free … but at least you (sadly) get porn-act references!  Improvement?)

That was one epic comeback Brave Brock put on, on Sunday night.  Monday night will determine if it was a one-off moment … or a “Grbac to Rison to seal the comeback” moment that defines a magical season.  In case you can’t tell by the pick, I’m wagering on the latter.

Also, I talked to my brother Wednesday night, who is back in the Metroplex for business for the sixth time in three months.  Circle me beyond jealous.  So, since I cannot believe I have not used these lyrics for any of the last three trips over the last fourteen months to my adopted home state, and since I have determined to give notice to a great song about a place I’d give up vodka ** to move back to, I give you a song, I still know every damned word to, twenty two years, after I moved to the amazing place of this nation known as Texas:

The Eyes of Texas?
Are upon you!
All the live long day!

The Eyes of Texas?
Are upon you!
You cannot get away!

Do not think
You can escape them –
At night or early morn!

The Eyes of Texas?
Are upon you!

(you can pick which finish you prefer)

Til Gabriel blows his horn! /
Go!  Long!  Horns!!!!!!!

Thanks for listening.

And yes -- I so need to move "home".  The sooner, the better ...


(*: anyone who enrages satan to the degree that Brave Brock has?  Not only gets capitalized recognition on this site – irregardless of his past, present or future affiliation with satan’s squad?  He gets a truthful, respectful nickname thrown in to boot.  Hence going from brock “of sh*t” osweiler, to Brave Brock Osweiler, in less than ten months, on this site.)

(**: you will note I mentioned a specific liquor.  I did not say all liquor.  In the words of the late, great RCW: “I may be stupid, but I ain’t that stupid!”  (Pause).  “Well …”)


The “Klassy” Kevin Keitzman Tweet O’ The Week:

Well, he finally posted something worth making fun of … even if it’s just a typo:

Uuh, #newroll?  What the hell does that mean, Ol’ Klassy?  Is he a Kaiser Roll now?  A Sourdough Roll?  A Cinnamon Roll?  Is he part of the late, great Don Cornelius’ Soul Train Roll?  How about a Tootsie Roll?  Is that Clayton’s new roll?  Is he now one of those Hawaiian rolls that turn a hot ham and cheddar into something even better than the awesomeness that is a hot ham and cheddar? 

C’mon “K”KK – how difficult is it to spell “role” correctly? 

(jasson voice) Even I can manage that word!

Well yeah, if we’re talking about the late, great Esther #Rolle, you could nail that spelling dude! 

(Because?  As always – if I can’t work it into a game designation, it’s making its way into the picks post someway, somehow.

Ain’t we lucky we got ‘em?
(Na Na Na Na Na)

Inside Mixology:

Where we take a fond look into a song guaranteed to play during tailgating.

This week’s pick was demanded – demanded! – by Anthony, Jaimmie, and Miranda last year, and who am I to refuse a request?

This week’s pick is “All I Do Is Win” by DJ Khaled.  It’s been requested as the victory song, but sorry folks – you’ll pry Lionel away from me over my dead, cold body.  Which given that in the last eighteen months I’ve battled diverticulitis, was diagnosed with severe hypertension, have been so sick I couldn’t get out of bed for four days, and I drink like my name was Larry Hagman or Patrick J. Summerall, probably isn’t even eighteen months from now.  But it is a great choice, as the second song after a victory.

And it’s a great choice, to break down the tailgate, for a non-prime time home game.

So far, I’ve given you:

* “All I Do Is Win” by DJ Khaled (Week Seven).
* “F*ck Her Gently” by Jack Black (Week Six).
* No Selection (Week Five).
* “You Never Even Called Me By My Name” by David Allan Coe (Week Four).
* “Innocent” by Our Lady Peace (Week Three).
* “Dancing On The Ceiling” by Lionel Richie (Week Two).
* “September” by Earth, Wind and Fire (Week One).

I defy you to find a more diverse musical play list, than the one I bring out every tailgate.  (Although, in fairness, only about 30% of what is on Mixology, is chosen by me.  At least 70% is listener requests (kenny rogers voice) through the years.

Still to come in this pointless, not even remotely interesting section of the picks post this season?  A lil’ Keane, a lil’ Phil Collins, a lil’ Queen, a lil’ Fetty Wap, a lil’, uuh, Lil’ Jon, a lil’ Tech Nine, a lil’ Hall and Oates, a lil’ Cake, a lil’ Brantley Gilbert, and of course – because I’d probably be written out of the family will if it didn’t play – a lil’ Brewer and Shipley.

And more, if the Chiefs reach the postseason.

Thanks for reading.

The Fab Five:

Five magical moments between the Saints and Chiefs, that no fan of either team could forget.

Folks?  I got nothing.  What is the most meaningful moment in the Saints / Chiefs non-rivalry?  The Chiefs winning a game in 2012 that they literally led for 0:00 seconds of?  A 30-0 victory on a Sunday Night early in the 1994 season that saw Neil”bonics” Smith win the only game he’d ever play in his hometown?  The Voice of Reason congratulating Billy Joe Hobert for “remembering the playbook” in 1997?  The late, great Mr. William Grigsby hauling out an authentic British accent to hit on the cocktail waitress while gambling at the Harrah’s French Quarter back in 2004?  (I believe she was the cocktail waitress; it might have been a fellow gambler.  It’s been too long ago to remember trivial sh*t like that.)  Or is it that Saints at Chiefs 1991 was the last official blackout of a home game at Arrowhead for eighteen years ***? 

Wait – that is five moments.  But let’s be honest – does anyone really want to honor any of those in a meaningful way?

Yeah.  That’s what I thought.

Let's move on.  

(***: only one Chiefs home game has been blacked out, due to non-official sellout conditions, since Saints at Chiefs in Week Two, 1991.  You can read the recap of that dark, depressing, absolutely humiliating afternoon, by clicking on this handy dandy link.)

The Watch Party Plans:

There are no The Watch Party Plans, since this is a home game.

The Tailgating Plans:

Well, this should be interesting.  Because for the first time in four years, we failed to secure the early-in pass. 

I honestly think we’ll be OK – gates are opening to the public an hour earlier than usual (7:30am per the STM email).  We plan to be in the far left lane by 7am, and at some point in the next half hour, I’ll walk down to our parking attendant, inform him or her of what’s coming, and offer whatever bribes, concessions, and/or other considerations that would make the Clinton Foundation blush, to make parking in “our spot”, happen.

As you could probably guess, the menu is Cajun-influenced, so if you don’t like jumbalaya, you don’t like shrimp, you don’t like sausage and rice and (chamillionaire voice) durrty beans, then you can help yourself to the hot dogs and burgers we always bring as a backup. 

I have a great friend from work who is a huge Saints fan coming, so please be polite to the enemy among us, so to speak.  I know the Springfield folks are coming up, and they’ll have what they do best: the Gates Presidential Platter, in tow. 

As always, if you need and/or want a place to tailgate, anyone and everyone who simply desires to have a fun couple hours in the sun, is always welcome, wanted, and to be treated with respect, kindness, decency, and friendship.  If you need us to save you a spot to park, just text (or better yet, if you’re an attractive female, sext!) me up, or Messenger or Twitter DM or whatever the hell other technology is available to reach me.  I’m reasonably connected online.

Hope to see anyone reading this on Sunday.  In the words of Doctor K on “This Is Us”: “I think we’ve got a good one”, in this game on Sunday.

Speaking of “The Big Three” …

We’ll get back to that, in the Chiefs portion, of these p*ss poorly composed remarks.


The Jets “God Spare Us” Best Guess:

This week, as the proverbial “fail safe” line for the season has now been reached – the Jets sit at 1-5 overall, 0-2 at home (yet somehow 1-0 in the division) – and still have both games against New England remaining.

But here’s the thing – the other eight games remaining, outside of New England?  Are not only all winnable, but 5 of those 8 are at home … and none of them are particularly unwinnable.  (Even the Patriots home game, currently slated for the Sunday Nighter of Thanksgiving weekend, comes after the bye, giving Gang Green two weeks to prepare.)

So perhaps it’s time to ask the Captain Oats in the room: are the Jets about to pull a 2015 Chiefs, embark on a ridiculous winning streak against mediocre to below average squads, and somehow still be alive when Week Seventeen is complete?

Here’s what they’ve got left:

* Sunday, October 23: vs Ravens (noon CT, CBS).  Eminently winnable, and also the source of something driving me crazy, that I’m getting tired of researching – when is the last time a team played road games, back to back, in the same stadium … against a different team?  The Ravens lost at the Fake Meadowlands to the Giants last week, and face the Jets there this week.

* Sunday, October 30: at Browns (noon CT, CBS).  Should be a victory.  Emphasis on should.

* Sunday, November 6: at Dolphins (noon CT, CBS).  Honestly, save for New England, this is without question – (allard baird voice) without question! – the toughest road game left.  And it really isn’t that difficult, if we’re being honest here.

* Sunday, November 13: vs Rams (noon CT, FOX).  That is the next four folks – Ravens, Browns, Mammals, and Rams.  Tell me that, if the Jets simply play to their potential, they won’t get back to .500 entering …

* Sunday, November 20: bye.  “Sur” William Callahan is no longer on the coaching roster.  Although Todd Bowles might not be, if the next four don’t all land in the win column.

* Sunday, November 27: vs Patriots (7:25pm CT, NBC).  If the Jets don’t win the next four, you can flex this puppy into the 3:25 CT slot, and move Chiefs at broncos into prime time.  (Or Cardinals at Falcons, if FOX doesn’t block it, given that NBC already has the broncos / Chiefs in prime time, and that one cannot be flexed out on Christmas Night.) 

If the Jets do manage to get the run started, this is the game that will define the season.

* Monday, December 5: vs Colts (7:30pm CT, ESPN).  Very winnable.  Indy might well be 3-8 entering this one.

* Sunday, December 11: at 49ers (3:05pm CT, CBS).  Beyond winnable.  San Fran might well be 2-10 entering this one.

* Saturday, December 17: vs Dolphins (7:25pm CT, NFLN).  OK, I’ll ask the Captain Oats in the room, Part Two: how in the hell did a non-playoff team from last year, score not one, not two, but THREE straight prime time home games, in the last six weeks of the season?  And all on different days too!

* Saturday, December 24: at Patriots (noon CT, CBS).  If the Jets get here at 9-5, W8?  Who knows? 

* Sunday, January 1: vs Bills (noon CT, CBS).  Once again, for the third time in four years, does a playoff berth ride on beating Buffalo to end the season?  The Jets are 0-2 in those first two contests, including last year’s indefensible “sh*t the field” effort at The Ralph to whiz away the playoffs.  (At least in 2013, they were already in free-fall, having lost two straight before Buffalo ended the playoff dream.)

10-6 overall, 8-4 conference, 5-1 division.  It’s not a ridiculous stretch of the imagination to believe that?  Is a playoff resume. 

If it is to happen, it has to begin on Sunday, against the mediocre Baltimore Ravens, losers of three straight, and fading fast in the AFC Wild Card picture.  (Although still very much alive in the most overrated division in football, the AFC North.)

And it will begin, with Geno Smith under center, for the first time since the 2014 finale.

(tamarick vanover voice) I love you, Lord Jesus!!!!!!

Salvation has arrived, Jets fans.  At least for four weeks.  Five, if you count the bye.

* at Jets (pick) 24, Ravens 17.


The Chiefs Prepared Remarks and Poorly Composed Thoughts Portion of this Prognostication Post:

If you know me even slightly, then you know I tend to be a sentimental type of person. 

Like the late, great Jim Valvano, I’ve never been afraid to have my “emotions move me to tears”, at something that hits me right.  

Thursday night, the first of the four of us turning forty this year, uuh, turned forty. 

The four of us, will be familiar to anyone who regularly reads this site, or simply knows at least one or two of us.  “Jasson” was up first, on Thursday.  I’m next, on the first Tuesday of 2017.  Then “The Voice of Reason”, then “bts”.  Four friends, who somehow have endured all that life, and reality, and our many, many failures … ok, fine – my many, many f*ck ups and failures – have thrown at us, still standing tall twenty, thirty, forty years later.

And it was one moment, that hit me above all the others, on Thursday night at Barley’s on Midland and 435. 

And no, that moment wasn’t the irony that the first of the four of us to arrive at forty?

Arrived at said age, at the very first adult-beverage serving establishment?


For once, I’m not going to make you read fifteen pages to get to the point.  Partly because I’m tired as hell in composing this late on a Friday night, but mostly because so much of Thursday doesn’t need to be recapped.  It just needs to be enjoyed and cherished by those lucky enough to be there to witness it.

Because the point – the moment – was reached not even three minutes after I arrived, when everyone wanted to get a picture of the four of us together.  The moment was when (I believe) Mrs. Jasson said “wait – have the four of you ever been (photographed) together before?”

That led to a pause, and a general consensus that no, there wasn’t any picture before that moment that exists of myself, “Jasson”, “The Voice of Reason”, and “bts”, standing together, in the same bat time, on the same bat channel.

And that led to the obvious excuses – phones didn’t take pictures ten, fifteen, twenty years ago.  Most people don’t walk around with a camera around their neck to capture the moment.  I lived in Texas through college; “bts” lived in North Carolina for the better part of the 00’s.  Excuse after excuse, all of them valid … but they all missed the point.

Because the Captain Oats in the room, that explains why noone could recall a picture prior to Thursday, of the four of us together ****  – “The Big Four”, as Mrs. Voice of Reason dubbed us in the moment (note: either she stole that from me … or I stole it from her.  Either way, it works).

Because the Captain Oats in the room, the Captain Obvious in the house, the five hundred pound elephant in our midst?

Is that there isn’t a need for one.

Not wasn’t a need for a picture.



(****: how I didn’t realize this on Thursday, I have no idea, but OF COURSE there are pictures of the four of us together.  July 7, 2007, at some Catholic church in downtown Topeka, at some park we invaded, and whatever the hell bar we went to before the ceremony, as well as the reception.  

But just like with Thursday?  I didn’t need a picture, to remember how great that day was – a big moment in life.  A great moment in life.  Up to and including tailgating a freaking wedding. 

And I guaran-damn-tee you?  Nobody else there Thursday night, needed a picture to remember that ridiculously hot Saturday afternoon either.)


I don’t need a picture, to remember Thursday.  Or whatever the hell I do for my fortieth, or Mr. Reason does, or “bts” does. 

Because truth be told?  (And note: that's not a given coming of me ... if I'm being honest.)  But truth be told?  None of us needs a picture, to remember or honor greatness.

Sure, a picture is niceEven if it's a postcard, it can be legen ... waitforit ... dary.  I’ve asked for the picture of the four of us from Thursday, because I’d love to print it out, buy some cheezy $10 frame that has words about “friends” or “family” or “love” on it, and hang it on the wall in a prominent place guaranteed to be noticed.  We all do that.  And that’s perfectly cool.  A picture is proof of a moment in time you remember.  A picture helps recall that moment. 

But I don’t need a picture, to remember Thursday. 

I don’t need a picture, to remember the greatness that is “The Big Four”.

I don't need a picture to remember anything important, that involves "Jasson", "The Voice of Reason", or "bts".

Because you never need a picture, to remember the moments in life, that not only are great, but that matter.

You only need a picture?

If the moment is not important, is not meaningful, is not significant, is nothing other than, in the words of Sir William Shakespeare, "a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing".

You only need a picture?


This game Sunday terrifies me.

The Saints remind me so much of the 2002 Chiefs.  They average 31 points a game, and in four of five games so far, have topped 35.  (The 2002 Chiefs first five games?  They scored 40 (W), 16 (L), 38 (L), 48 (W), 29 (W).)  And their defense cannot stop anyone -- every team they have faced has scored at least 30 against them.  (The 2002 Chiefs first five games?  They gave up 39 (W), 23 (L), 41 (L), 30 (W), 25 (W).)

They have a terrific quarterback, a (damien voice) grousely underrated receiving corps, and a (former "friend" voice) criminitely underrated running game.  (Sound familiar, 2002 Chiefs fans?)  They have a brilliant offensive mind as their head coach, and a proven offensive genius as their offensive coordinator.  (Ditto, 2002 Chiefs fans?)  They employ a defensive coordinator who rose to prominence coordinating some decent donkey defenses ... and now oversee the worst unit in the league.  (Double Ditto, 2002 Chiefs fans?)

And the weather for Sunday -- how perfect is this going to be?  75 and sunny at kickoff.  It'll feel like 90 in the lower bowl.  90ish actual feel-like conditions on the next to last Sunday in October!  In Kansas City!  

Like I said, this game terrifies me.

It's time to let history repeat itself, yet again.


"Am I too obvious to preach it?
You're so hypnotic on my heart!"


To "The Big Four": may we always be great.  Or at least semi-good.

Because the 2016 Kansas City Chiefs, are guaranteed to be at least one of those two things.

But more importantly?

May we always -- always! -- just be "us".

Because "us"?

Don't need no stinkin' pictures, to know who we are.

* at Chiefs 38, Saints (+7) 35 (OT). 

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