Thursday, October 13, 2016

week six: the "mot" is calling - and it ain't "mot kcived" from the american dyslexia society on the line ...

“Far too many times?
A heart gets broken,
Just because three words?
Are never spoken.

We can’t let that bother us!
Not when we’re so much in love!
I could never get enough,
Of saying I love you!

This is our moment of truth;
Either we win or we lose?
This love.

Let’s test the way that we feel;
We’ll know if love is for real?
Soon enough.

Let out your feelings tonight!
Cause oh!  I know that I want you!

It’s all up to me and you –
And the moment of truth! …”


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Last Week SU: 9-5-0
Season to Date SU: 41-36-0.

Last Week ATS: 7-6-1.
Season to Date ATS: 40-34-3.

Last Week Upset O’ The Week: (wadsworth in "clue" voice) this is getting serious.
Season To Date Upset / Week SU: 4-1-0.
Season To Date Upset / Week ATS: 5-0-0.
This Week’s Upset O’ The Week: Bengals (+9) over Patriots.

Last Week SUCK: so close – so close! – yet so far away.
Season To Date SUCK: 2-3-0.
This Week’s SUCK: Saints (+3) over Panthers.

(Note: the SUCK gets credit for being wrong, because it is my favorite bet on the board).

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The Non-Jets, Non-Chiefs Pigskin Prognostications:

(Sadly, still porn-star free.)

* at “Super” Chargers (+3) 34, satan’s squad 20.  OK, I’ll ask the Captain Oats in the room: why the hell isn’t Son O’ Bum the interim for this game for the broncos?  Also, a Stevo’s Site Numero Dos best recovery wishes to donkeys head coach gary “krap of” kubiak.  There is noone – and I mean noone – employed as a coach by the denver broncos, I would rather face, than “krap of” kubiak.  Get well soon, ol’ krappy.

* at Lions (-3) 24, Rams 20.  God, I wish there was a half point involved, either way.  This smells like a last second field goal finish.  Also, this game might end up having potential wild card ramifications entering December (before both squads will collapse, of course).  So there’s that too.

* Jaguars (+2) 31, at Bears 13.  If the Jags are who I think they are – and that is the team that is going to win the AFC South – then in the words of Stevo’s Site Numero Dos’ Color Commentator Emeritus, Dan Dierdorf, “it would behoove the Jaguars to win this game”.  Also, I have no idea what the hell “behoove” means.  I just always liked that word.

* at Saints (+3) 41, Panthers 30.  Every year, there is one team that entering the season is the “no doubt about it” bet to at least reach the Divisional Round … that crashes and burns and misses the playoffs altogether via a head-scratching “what the hell just happened here” season.  Last year it was your Baltimore Ravens.  In 2014 it was your San Francisco 49ers.  In 1998 and 2004, it was our Kansas City Chiefs.  In 2016, I have a feeling that team is the Carolina Panthers, who if they drop this one, are staring 1-5, essentially three or four behind Atlanta (depending on the “Shane” Falcons result on Sunday) barely a third of the way into the season.  I may be eight degrees of stupid, but even I know that cannot be good, if you are a Carolina Panthers fan.

* at Bills (-7 ½) 45, 49ers 13.  I almost hate to say it, but given that (a) it’s Buffalo, and (b) it’s Bills fans, the 49ers might want to invest in armed guards to be with Colin Kaepernick 24/7 this road trip.  Just saying.  Those folks are nuts

* at Titans 21, Browns (+7) 17.  I’m sorry, I’m not laying seven on either of these squads.  Also, this game is so awful – and I hinted at this designation last week in the Jets portion of these poorly prepared remarks – this game is so awful, it might actually be worthy of the worst designation I can give to a game.  A designation I give only once a season, to THE single sh*ttiest game imaginable.  Here we are in Week Six, and it’s in play.

(Pause).  Ladies and gentlemen, for your consideration for the One Day At A Time Game O’ The Year “Honor”, I give you … Browns at Titans.

Oh, and without question – (allard baird voice) without question! – this is your Good Times Game O’ The Week.

* Ravens (+3) 10, at Giants 6.  If the Ravens are who I think they are – the “wait, how the hell is a .500 division champ hosting a twelve win wild card squad” team of 2016?  They win this game.

* at Redskins (+2 ½) 34, Eagles 27.  I like this matchup.  A lot.  Hope it’s on the local FOX affiliate in Sioux Falls on Sunday.  (Update: it's not; we get Rams / Lions.  This is such a crock of sh*t!)

* Bengals (+9) 28, at Patriots 24.  Wayne Allyn Root Contrarian Pick O’ The Week.  This just smells like an upset noone sees coming. 

* Steelers 27, at Dolphins (+7 ½) 20.  Thank you for the half point, Danny Sheridan!

* at Packers (-4) 35, Cowboys 30.  I have a feeling not one second of commercials will be viewed in The Garage on Sunday, flipping back and forth between the featured contest, and this game.

* at Seahawks (-6) 31, “Shane” Falcons 20.  Back to reality for the Falcons.  And reality is that a split at denver / at Seattle, is damned good.

* at Texans (-3) 31, Colts 24.  (Pause).  Yeah, it’s time.  I cannot believe I haven’t hauled this out in a while, given that I’ve been to Houston three times in the last fourteen months to witness football action:


Houston!
Houston means that I’m one day closer to you!
Aw honey, Houston!
Houston means the last day of the tour, and we’re through!

Well honey, you and
God in heaven above
Know I love what I do
(For a living – it’s true!)

But honey, Houston?
Houston means that I’m one day closer to you!

Now that’s a great country and western song!

Oh, also – Indy is a go in two weeks.  The tickets have allegedly been purchased, and my sole task this weekend is to bully Nicole into getting us into the Comfort Suites across from Lucas Oil at her corporate rate.  Consider it done kids.  Consider it done.

The Tailgating Plans:

There are no The Tailgating Plans, as this is a road game I will not be attending.  Technically speaking, of course.  Because …

The Watching Party Plans:

I am traveling for this game, five hours north to Dakotaland, to a lovely garage turned into one hell of a man cave / home sports bar, on North 15th Street in lovely Sioux Falls, South Dakota.

The Garage is a tremendously fun place to watch a game, and what I love the most about it, is that it represents everything that is right with sports.  There will be approximately 25 raider fans there … and approximately 20 Chiefs fans there, including (at last count) six of us heading up from KC. (There will also be one Bucs fan, and one Titans fan, but they don’t count.  I kid, I kid.)



(Me and Rudy last year on Raider Sunday.  Image: someone via my iPhone 6 Plus.)

And yeah, there will be some passionate cheering, and some playful kidding, and possibly one or two (good ol’ jr voice) low blows! thrown, but at the end of the day, nobody will be in jail, nobody will need medical attention, the cops won’t be involved, it’ll be sports the way it was intended to be: fun.  With a lot of Coors Light thrown in to boot.

Plus, it’s a safe bet this place will be visited at least four times.  I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: there’s only one place on earth I’ll drink gin at.  The OT is that place.

Inside Mixology:

This week’s choice is notable simply because it’s the one – and to date only – song I have gotten green light permission to play whenever the mood strikes at Tailgating, that is one gigantic and constant stream … of the f bomb.

Because it really is that damned f*cking good … and that f*cking funny.

This week’s choice is a guaranteed f*cking sing along, the f*cking moment you hear “This is a song?  For the ladies.  But fellas?  Listen closely.”

This week’s choice?  Is “F*ck Her Gently” by Tenacious D.

Who doesn’t love this song?  For starters, it’s Jack Black on the vocals.  Yes – THE Jack Black.  And the chorus – who wouldn’t sing this to their wife / girlfriend / random pickup at the Eclipse:

“I want to f*ck you?  Softly.
I want to screw you?  Gently.
I want to hump you?  Sweetly.
I want to ball you?  Discreetly!”

I mean, Eric Church’s “Like a Wrecking Ball” is great -- and I mean GREAT! -- but it ain’t got nothing on this song.

The “Klassy” Kevin Keitzman Tweet O’ The Week:

OK folks, I am now officially worried.  If not terrified.

The Klassy One hasn’t posted anything – and I mean anything – even remotely stupid, controversial, idiotic, racist, sexist, demeaning, degrading – anything I can take and mock him with, in nearly two months.

This is the equivalent of me going ten days without drinking.  It just isn’t supposed to happen.  Yet somehow, in this case, it has.

If this continues next week, I may have to switch this to the “House of Wings” Tweet O’ The Week.  (Pause).  What?  (Pause).  Yeah, good point – make that the Donald J Trump “House of Wings” Tweet O’ The Hour.

The Fab Five:

And trust me – picking only five plays or moments between the Chiefs and raiders in my lifetime, was anything but easy.

Also, each and every one of these moments needs not a second of explanation, to any true Chiefs fan.

Oh, and if you don’t see number one (or number two) coming from fifty five hundred miles away, then you just don’t know me … or this rivalry.  That, or your name is “conveniently placed back judge” or “eddie anderson”.

5. Arrowhead’s first playoff game.  My 15th birthday weekend.  Chiefs 10, raiders 6, in a cold, driving sleetstorm that saw the (then) la raiders have first and goal to go, down 4, with barely a couple minutes to play … that wound up as 3rd and goal at the 34, thanks to six procedural penalties.  Pride and Poise Boys.  Pride and Poise.

4. Mark Collins takes it to the house.  Week Seventeen 1994.  8-7 Kansas City at 9-6 los angeles, the winner gets the six seed and the right to give Miami all it can handle in the Wild Card round.  The Chiefs lead late in the first half when jeff hostetler, for some idiotic reason, tries to force a throw into the end zone.  Mark Collins returns it 97 yards to give the Chiefs a 16-6 lead they would never relinquish, and grab the AFC’s final playoff berth.  This is more notable to society at large as the final game the raiders would play in Los Angeles, but to Chiefs fans, the interception matters more.

3. Since one and two are locked in stone, I could go any number of directions for three.  Do I pick “The Voice of Reason” and Fred Biletnikof’s * classic verbal battles at the Players Entrance?  Do I pick Carl Peterson informing America that “the raiders are all class.  All class.  Except without the c, and without the l”?  Do I pick Chester McGlockton openly begging Marty to sign him in the 1997 offseason, during the 30-0 demolishing of oakland in Week Fifteen 1997?  Do I pick Pete “For President” Stoyanovich’s final meaningful make, a 44 yarder to beat the raiders in Week Twelve 1999 at oakland, and temporarily do what Mr. Stoyanovich refused to ever say – “save the season, because the season needed to be saved”?  Do I pick Art Shell Sumo Wrestling in the Hooters parking lot from back in the day?

Nope.  I’m going with one many of you probably don’t remember.  Week Eleven 2006.  The Chiefs – having opened 0-2, having seen Trent Green nearly die in the opener, have somehow, someway, willed their way back to 5-4, facing two games in five days against their two most bitter of rivals, the first one up being the raiders.

You can read my prediction (and Jesus, did I nail it) and recap of the day by clicking on this link.  Needless to say, it was my favorite homestand of my 20’s.  I can only hope and pray the homestand coming in seven weeks, will be my favorite of my 30’s.

(Pause).  What?  (Pause).  Oh, the moment!  Sorry!  The moment is when aaron brooks throws it to Jarrad Page with 0:08 left in the end zone, to seal a four point win for the Chiefs.

2. I’ll let Al and Dan handle this one.

(al michaels) There you see the President of the Chiefs (Carl Peterson, fist pumping like his name was Stevo)
(dan dierdorf) And poor Joe Bugle.
(al michaels) Bugle looks apoplectic.
(camera) (pans to raiders’ owners box)
(al michaels) (camera focused on al davis)
(al michaels) And Andre Rison has just burned al davis’ house down.  If you know what I mean.
(dan dierdorf) (laughing uncontrollably) Unfortunately, we do!

Or maybe it’s this one liner.

(frank gifford) And Kansas City may have found itself a quarterback.
(al michaels) That’s right, they haven’t been home yet.
(dan dierdorf) (Grbac) might be elected mayor of Kansas City, if the election was today!
(al michaels) Take that, Willie Brown!

Or maybe it’s this one liner.

(al michaels) So the Chiefs need to go eighty yards, in 58 seconds.
(dan dierdorf) With no TO’s.
(frank gifford) We’ve seen it before.
(dan dierdorf) Oh yeah!

Or my personal favorite?

(dan dierdorf) I cannot tell what the definition of the sideline is from up here!

It’s the Miller Lite, Dan.  Good or bad, awesome or ugly, it’s ALWAYS the fault of the beer.  Trust me.

Moment Dos is Elvis Grbac – after the Chiefs trail 24-6 with 0:06 left in the third quarter, in a Week Two Monday Nighter against the raiders in oakland – calmly, methodically, driving the Chiefs down the field, 80 yards, with no timeouts, trailing by five (22-27), before throwing as perfect a ball as you will ever see, a 33 yard strike to Andre “Bad Moon” Rison, who flat out beat eddie anderson, for the winning touchdown.

It’s not “The Night That Will Live in Infamy” for me, since it didn’t involve a cripple, a stripper, a chick with a mustache, and me spooning one of those three as I woke up the following morning … but it is the night I met damned near every person at the lovely apartment complex I lived in at the time in Lake Arlington.  Because I went bat sh*t crazy like I rarely have, after that touchdown throw. 

The coolest part, at least to me?  When I got back from classes the next day at about 4pm (so barely 15, 16 hours later), I walk in, and Frank goes “hey, you got something from your dad, it’s on the coffee table”.  That delivery?  Was a same-day USPS shipment of that day’s Kansas City Star … and a videotape of the game itself.  “In case you missed this!”

In the words of the great Ronnie Milsap – who is long overdue to be used as the theme for a post, if I’m being honest here: “I wouldn’t have missed it?  For the world!”

1. To be fair, you can flip (1) and (2), and you won’t get much of an argument from me.  (2) defined – if not saved – the season for the greatest Chiefs team of my lifetime so far.  (1) gets the call here, because it defined – if not saved – the season for my favorite Chiefs team, of my lifetime so far.

The Chiefs trailed 17-3 with barely five to play, Week Three 1995.  They managed to tie it up and get to overtime, where oakland won the coin toss.  The raiders calmly, methodically begin marching the field.  They face a 1st and 20 at the Chiefs 40 after a holding call.  And then …

(marv albert) “The pass is … INTERCEPTED!  (Note: you can’t hear Marv, the crowd was so f*cking loud at this point.)  INTERCEPTED!  By … Hasty!  James Hasty!  Running down the sidelines!  He is … in!  Touchdown!  Kansas City touchdown!  Chiefs win!”

Which was amazing enough in and of itself.  But as Cris Collinsworth so perfectly (and accurately pointed out):

(cris collinsworth) And hostetler is furious – look at this back judge, Marv!  He picked (tim brown)!  He set a pick!  And it gave James Hasty the opportunity he needed, to make that play happen!

James Hasty returning an interception, in overtime, for a touchdown, to beat the hated raiders.  Yes, it’s my favorite play against those people.  But – and for once, this might be a valid defense in my ongoing (probably) fruitless and (potentially) pointless quest to prove I’m at least semi-sane – but?

What does it say for how epic 1995 was, that I wouldn’t even rate Mr. Hasty’s interception return as my SECOND favorite moment, from that season?  And it might barely qualify for third?

(*: no raiders week is complete without it.  (The Voice of Reason Voice) “I HATE YOU FRED!!!!!!!!!”  To which the class – minus the c, and the l, of course – that was Fred Biletnikof would respond “F*CK YOU!!!!!!!!!”, while puffing a lung dart outside the walkway.  God, the late 90s and early 00s were some fun, fun times.)

The Jets Prognostication:

I noted six months ago, in the first look at the schedule, that there was a very high probability the Jets would enter this game 1-4, staring a lost season in the face, before shocking the nation by upsetting the Cardinals, and pole-vaulting a 9-2 finish, to get to 10-6 and the final slot in the AFC Postseason.

I’m about to double down on that prediction.

* Jets (+7 ½) 27, at “Super” Cardinals 17.

The Chiefs Pointless Pontificating, and Probably P*ss Poor Prediction:

“Just because three words?
Are never spoken!”

I know most people will focus on me picking an obscure, thirty year old Whitney Houston track for this week’s theme, and reach what the sane, rational, reasonable conclusion of that selection is –

Stevo has done lost it.

Only … I haven’t.

Because there are three words, that seem to never be spoken as much as they should have on this site, that apply to this week’s contest by the Bay.

And those three words aren’t “I Love You”.

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The Chiefs have a tremendous opportunity on Sunday afternoon, irregardless of what happens at The Q tonight.  (I do believe San Diego is going to win, so that’s the basis for a lot of the optimism about to be typed.)

If the Chiefs win, they’ll tie oakland (and possibly denver) in the loss column.  They’ll have two divisional games in hand, including one on the road.  And they’re staring a next five in the face, that should have every Chiefs fan drooling with “holy sh*t, we win this one, we’re 8-2 going to denver!” anticipation: vs Saints / at Colts / vs Jaguars / at Panthers / vs Bucs.

Did the Chiefs get demolished in Pittsburgh two weeks ago?  Yes.  Yes, they did.  Even this delusional dude cannot deny that the Chiefs were 29 points worse than the Steelers, in prime time, on a national stage, the last time they took the field.

But folks?  We don’t face Pittsburgh on Sunday.  And God willing, we won’t face them again until next year – be it in January, or be it in the 2017 season.

Sunday?  Is the Chiefs … moment of truth.

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The Chiefs absolutely can win this game.  For starters, they’re the better team.  If they fail to score 30 plus on Sunday, there’d better be firings on Monday amongst the offensive coaching staff, because every team oakland has faced, save for the woeful Titans, has reached 30.  New Orleans, Atlanta, Baltimore – who just fired their offensive coordinator for his, uuh, offensive offense – and San Diego?  All reached at least 30 against this god-awful raiders defense.

Even the “32 Defense”, the 2002 Chiefs, held two of their first five opponents, below 30 points.  (The Jags scored 23 in a Week Two Chiefs defeat; the Jets scored 25 in a Week Five Chiefs victory.)  Sh*t, even the “32 Defense” had a shutout in it!  (49-0 vs Arizona over Thanksgiving Weekend.)

And yet, oakland stands at 4-1, in complete and total control of its own destiny in the AFC West.

My point?  The raiders defense is (charles barkley voice) TURRIBLE!  And the Chiefs defense?  Isn’t half bad, all things considered.

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The Chiefs can absolutely lose this game.  For starters, they’re the inferior team.  They’ll fail to score 30 plus on Sunday, because the offense is that atrocious.  The offense has had one good quarter (out of sixteen, plus one overtime) so far this year – and damn, has that amazing quarter masked fifteen of sh*ttacular failure.

We know, going in, that the raiders are going to score at least thirty points.  They’ve done that all but one game so far, and the only game they didn’t (a shocking low-scoring affair in Nashville), they still won comfortably. 

The Chiefs?  Have scored 30 just once, the opener against San Diego, that required a 27-3 finish to get a 33-27 win.  They scored a pathetic 12 at Houston, the defense and special teams accounted for more points (18) than the offense (6) in a 24-3 win over the Jets, and the Chiefs didn’t score until the score was 36-0 in their last outing.

And yet, Kansas City stands at 2-2, in complete and total control of its own destiny in the AFC West.

My point?  The Chiefs offense is (charles barkley voice) TURRIBLE!  And the raiders defense?  Isn’t half bad, all things considered.

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Sunday, is the “moment of truth” for this Chiefs season.  Yet “moment of truth” aren’t the three words, that will define this post, or define this season. 

Because Sunday?  Is all about my ability to text three magical words, that indicate something great is about to occur, as this season progresses.  Sunday is all about putting oakland back in its place as the red-headed step child of the AFC West.  Sunday is about closing down the whatever the hell they call it now Oakland Alameda County Coliseum, the same way we closed down Real Mile High back in 2000.  It’s about establishing for history’s sake, who truly owned the joint.

And that owner of said joint?

Isn’t the current occupant.

Sunday is about three words, three magical words, that hardly get spoken.  But when they do?  They matter.

Season.  F*cking.  On.

* Chiefs (+1) 41, at raiders 38.

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