old: a weekend in milwaukee

I hope to add pictures later tonight. But since I finished the recap, up it goes.

From the moment I found out my cousin was getting married ... in Milwaukee ... on the first Saturday in January, I have looked for a way out of going.


See, Milwaukee and me, in January? That's bad news. From the "No Fooling" department -- I hate the cold. I freaking hate it. Any day below 75, 76 degrees, is almost too cold to be outside in. My ideal, dream, "if only every day could be like this, I'd be a really happy dude" forecast is 105 and sunny during the day, 85 and cloudless at night. I love the heat, the humidity of summer. I live for those days in early and mid August when you wake up sweating. That's my kind of day.

Needless to say, I didn't picture Milwaukee in January as being one of those types of days.

The dilemma then became "how do I get out of this trip"?


My brother got to play the whole "well, my wife's 9 months pregnant so we ain't going" card that I don't have available to me.


The Chiefs' collapse down the stretch robbed me of the whole "sorry, playoff football at Arrowhead" excuse I was counting on.

I don't like to fly. I hate flying. I fly as little as possible. So, of course, I was like "yup, I'm driving up there", hoping the weather would keep me home. Wouldn't you know it. No snow. No rain. And by the end of the weekend, "record highs". (Note: when 47 counts as a "record high", I want no part of said record high. 47 is still too damned cold to be comfortable in).

So, on Thursday January 3rd, I packed up the official Herm's Homie Blazer and took off for Wisconsin. Here's the recap.

* I was planning to leave early Thursday morning, and drive all the way to Milwaukee, stopping only sparingly, so that I could hit the hotel bar in plenty of time for the KU / Virginia Tech bowl game. I didn't get out of the office until nearly 3pm. Meaning I wasn't making it to Milwaukee on Thursday night. (Which also ruined my plans to trek up to Lambeau on Friday morning, stupid work obligations).

* So, after gassing up the car, I was off. I figured I'd make Des Moines and stop for the night, again, giving myself plenty of time to check into a hotel, get dressed down, and hit a bar for the KU game. (Priorities). About 5:45pm, I roll into town, and head for the hotel I stayed at a few years ago when we headed up for the Chiefs / Vikings game. It was a decent room, decent price, and there was a Damon's right across the street. I walk up to the desk and am like "yeah, I need a room". The rest of the exchange:

(front desk lady) ok. Please be advised that our rates for this evening have significantly increased.
(steve) (bemused look) why?
(front desk lady) the caucuses!
(steve) ok. define "significantly increased".
(front desk lady) $139 plus tax.
(steve) (in shock) $139?!?! Uuh, no thanks.

If I'm paying $139 / night, I'm not staying in a 2 star joint. So, across the street to the Holiday Inn I go!

* As I walk into the Holiday Inn (where Damon's is now a Bennigan's), I am approached by 4 middle aged women, professionally dressed, asking if they can be of any assistance to me. I was like "wow, this is so worth $149 / night plus taxes". Turns out, these women were Clinton campaign staffers there to help caucus goers reach their destination. Needless to say, I refused their help.

We also had a nice stare down as I walked past them after I checked in, heading for Bennigan's to watch the game.

* That reminds me, the big rumor up there the next morning was that as Senator Obama prepared to give his victory speech (which kicked serious ass, by the way, Go Obama Go!), his campaign was playing "99 Problems (But the Bitch Ain't One)" by Jay-Z to get the crowd fired up. That's awesome on two fronts. First, that a major Presidential candidate actually knows who Jay-Z is. And secondly, the subtle dig at Senator Clinton. I love it.

* After watching the Jayhawks win the Orange Bowl, and sleeping off a solid $64 tab at Bennigans, I was off to Milwaukee. The drive ... well, it sucked. There is literally nothing worth stopping to see or do between Des Moines and Milwaukee. And yes, I am fully aware that I drove past the Herbert Hoover Presidential Museum. I'm sure, if it is anything like his administration was, that 1/3 of the staffers live in shantytowns on the front lawn.

* Rolled into Milwaukee around 3pm. (I took my sweet ass time getting there). I gotta say, I expected Milwaukee to be a run down, totally blue collar town. Basically a larger scale Peoria. And while I'm sure parts of Milwaukee are like that (as are parts of any decent sized community) ... Milwaukee itself was really, really fun. Miller Park looks amazing from the freeway. I could definitely envision a weekend road trip up there to check it out. They apparently have some week long music fest in the summer, I'd definitely love to check that out.

And I know, I know, coming from me, it only enforces the "yup, Steve's an alky" stereotype ... but any city with a bar, brewery, or both on every freaking street corner, is my kind of town!

* the Hyatt downtown is very nice. At only $99 / night, it was $50 less than my stay in a run down Holiday Inn in West Des Moines. There's something wrong with that picture. The inside of it reminded me of the Luxor in Vegas, in terms of the huge open lobby with floors that get closer as you go up.

* the rehearsal dinner was a couple blocks away on Friday night, at the Rock Bottom Brewery. I was stoked, because I used to love Rock Bottom when they were open here in KC, and of course, given that its my family, you guessed it. Open bar. They had a fish fry, which was really good stuff. Fish fried like chicken strips + free beer + free vodka + not having to drive = look out.

* some of the dinner attendees were heading off to another bar afterwards. I declined to go, on the basis that "its f*cking cold out", and I wasn't going outside more than one more time (for the walk back to the hotel). After heading back up to my room at like 10:30, I was bored. So, why not, let's hit the hotel bar.

Apparently I wasn't the only person with that idea. My cousin Kristin and her boyfriend, and my cousin Jordan and his girlfriend, were already there. So we sat around for a few hours, had a few libations ... ok, a ton of libations ... and before I knew it, its (semisonic voice) closing time. Being the nice guy that I am ... and seeing as how I'm the only one of the group that's gainfully employed (thanks college), I grab the tab. Other than when we all went out after my grandma's wake, I have never picked up a bar tab as large as this one was. And with my grandma's wake, there were like 15 of us, and my dad covered the charge. (Even if he didn't know about it until he got his credit card bill). Good times had by all, that's for damned sure.

* Saturday morning, breakfast with the family across the street at some diner called George Webb. I'd never heard of it. Apparently they're a chain restaurant. They were pretty good actually. Plus dad got the tab. Greatly appreciated after the cost of the previous evening.

* Like an idiot, I'd forgotten to bring my camera ... and a tie ... and a belt. I wasn't about to spring for a camera, but I needed a belt and tie. So after breakfast, me and some relative I'd never met were off to the Grand Avenue Shops a couple blocks away.

OK, call me crazy, but if you want people to come downtown, here's a novel idea: build a decent shopping center with quality shops, and people will come. (You listening Kansas City?) Milwaukee is way too well thought out and planned of a city to ever fly in here KC. I mean, you can walk everywhere, because anything you could possibly want is within 10 blocks of where you're at. What a concept.

* Took the tour of the brewery at 1. If it isn't the best $5 you'll spend in Milwaukee, I'm scared to see what you could better spend $5 on. (a local girl?) You walk in, hand over your $5, and you're given a plastic glass with 4 tokens in it, plus a coupon good at any of 6 local bars for free drinks after you're done at the brewery. Unbelievable.

Anyways, I order the Cattail Ale that I love from Lake Front, and we're off on the tour. First, they take you to where they begin the brewing process. As our tour guide noted, Lake Front brews approximately 80,000 gallons of beer a year. Miller Brewing wastes that in a day. Quality does count, apparently.

The massive vats they handle the fermenting process in, are painted up like Larry, Moe, and Curly. I thought that was creative.

Then, you hit the "Piece de Resistance" numero uno. Bernie the Brewer's chalet from Old County Stadium!!! (With a full service bar underneath it!!!) Seriously, the tour refills your drink at the midpoint, how awesome is that? And how awesome would it be to, like, work in the place with Bernie the Brewer's chalet? (OK, I think it'd be awesome).

After topping off your glass, its off to where they fill the kegs, which is an interesting process ... and then you hit THE highlight of the tour. (And also the last official stop).

You come around the corner to the bottling area. And you notice the shrine to ... Milwaukee's finest. Laverne and Shirley.

As someone who loves 70s sitcoms, I was in heaven. But it gets even better. Because you get a glove to put on a bottle. Then the audio system starts up. And everyone gets to sing along as the conveyor belt starts to move the bottles:

Schlameil! Schlamazel! Hazzenpfeffer Incorporated!

We're Gonna Do It!

Give us any chance, we'll take it!
Give us any rule, we'll break it!
We're gonna make our dreams come true!
Doin' it our way

Nothing's gonna turn us back now!
Straight ahead and on the track now!
We're gonna make our dreams come true!
Doin' it our way

There ain't nothing we won't try --
Never heard the word "impossible"!
This time, there's no stopping us!
We're gonna do it

On your mark! Get set and go now!
Got a dream and we just know now
We're gonna make that dream come true!

And we'll do it our way! Yes our way!
Make all our dreams come true!
And we'll do it our way! Yes our way!
Make all our dreams ... come true! ...
For me and you ...

Really, its like a Kumbaya moment. Its just ... (steve tearing up) dammit, if you can't get pumped up singing the Laverne and Shirley theme song, while you're in a brewery in Milwaukee, swaying with complete strangers and family members, while raising a frosty cold one, then you just don't appreciate how wonderful and special this gift from God called "beer" is.

* After the tour, you guessed it. More drinking. (Gotta use up the chips). Let's just say the sober vs sloshed ratio at the ceremony was not in sober's favor.

* The chapel was quite nice. The ceremony was even nicer, clocked out at 23 minutes start to finish. No cheezy music, no ridiculously long mass, no ridiculous processionals. Walk in, say the vows, exchange the rings, walk out. My kind of ceremony. Because after that, of course, the reception.

* Lake Front Brewery (where the blessed event occurred) is actually misnamed. Its not actually on Lake Michigan, its on whatever the hell the river is that turns downtown into an island. Its like 8 blocks from the lake front. But still, the view is really neat. And the reception was wonderful. It had humor. It had touching moments. It had great speeches, it had funny speeches. It had the groom's mom expressing shock that her son had met a girl. It had memories of Ithica, of upstate New York.

And it had an open bar. (Whew).

* Nothing says "yup, Steve's intoxicated" like me dancing with my mom. Or me dancing period.

* About 10pm, as the reception wound down, it was back to the hotel. And just like the night before, I wasn't done yet. So ... oh yeah, night two at the hotel bar. This time, it was just me, and the Jaguars / Steelers 4th quarter. $55 later, I was staggering back to the room.

* Left Sunday morning and drove the 'rents to the aeropuerto. In a ridiculously blinding fog. There was still a solid 6 inches of snow on the ground ... only it was almost 45 degrees out. So you couldn't see anything from all the fog the snow packs were causing. It was like that all the way into Illinois. It sucked.

* From the "Dodged a Bullet" department: I made a decision entering Illinois that I was setting the cruise at 84 (19 mph over the limit). If I got stopped, so be it, but I was running that thing on 84 until I was stopped ... or reached Iowa, when I'd up it to 89 (still 19 over the limit). Which went really well, until I got to Iowa City, where there were not one, not two, but three freaking highway patrol cars sitting in the median waiting for speeders. Figuring I was, uuh, in trouble, I slammed on the brakes ... and never got stopped. There is no way I was doing anything less than 85 when I flew by these guys, and nobody came after me. After that, feeling invincible, I pushed it up over 90 most of the rest of the way home ... and never passed another cop. I made it home in barely 8 hours, and that accounts for stopping at Applebees for lunch. A trip that Mapquest says should take nearly 9 hours. The lesson? I have no idea, other than maybe living with Dusty has caused me to drive like him now.

* All in all, it was a solid mid-winter vacation. Plenty of booze, plenty of good times, plenty of good people. And I was in Iowa to witness first hand (hopefully) the beginning of the end of Senator Clinton's national political career. So that was neat.

I'd give Milwaukee an A. Even with the cold, the snow, it was one helluva town to visit. I bet it would be awesome to take a trip to in June or July, when you can catch a Dave concert out in Alpine Valley, tailgate the day away at Miller Park, catch a race at the Milwaukee Mile. Somehow, I envision I'll be returning to that fine city, and probably sooner rather than later. Good job Milwaukee. Keep making all those dreams come true ... for me and you ...