american idol: top 9 ... live blog ...

ok, almost live.

I'll be about 5-10 minutes delayed to begin.

Its apparently Top Downloads on iTunes week, so I ask two simple things:

1. Anoop Doggy Dogg doing Snoop Doggy Dogg. And ...
2. Adam doing Fall Out Boy. If he does "This Ain't a Scene, Its a (God Damn) Arms Race!" it will rock the effing house.

Back once we get underway. Apparently Dusty has kabobs on the grill tonight. And we've got a full couch of judges! Although sadly Gregg is not joining us. But hey, four judges, two of whom don't give a crap about this program? In the words of ... well, me, "this has potential ..."

Wow, I'd forgotten what today is the one year anniversary of. Forcible Eviction Day! Or, as the infamous text message put it, "meet me at Lowes his ass is grass". I'd like to say I feel sympathy, remorse, even a little bit of sorrow ... but deadbeat still owes me and Dusty thousands of dollars. He can rot in hell.

Raise a glass to his demise! One year ago ... today!!!

(And no, the basement door still isn't properly installed ... but hey, it kept him out. And changing the locks made him cry. I feel like I accomplished something meaningful by that, making "deadbeat" cry. Actually, I know I did. Anyways, moving on ...)

Still in a holding pattern until Katie gets here in a couple minutes ...

And ... we're underway. At 7:10 so 10 minutes delayed for a while.

I'd like to see the blind squirrel handle the stairs. Excuse me, that's insensitive. I mean Scott the Blind Squirrel.

Katie thinks Pauler looks like she's going to an 80s homecoming dance. Can't really disagree.

THIS ... intro is horrible.

We open with Anoop Doggy Dogg! Doing "Caught Up" by Usher. Katie thinks its disappointing. I agree, do Snoop Doggy Dogg! Although he might do well with this.

I say this is bottom 3. This is hideous. I'll await the other couch judges reaction, but wow, this is ... this is absolutely horrible.

I'm not feelin it. Unless if by feelin it, you mean the need to leave the room. Katie, "yeah, not a fan, he slowed it down too much". RJ giving the backhand compliment. New judge is not making a lick of sense. Pauler ... her eyes are barely half open. She is not making any sense, and Simon calls her on it. Simon, "it was a complete and utter mess". Agreed. He's in trouble.

Megan up next. The glass is 2/3 full, I hope that's enough shiraz.

Katie: "It could be good!" Steve: "I could win the f*cking lottery!"

Ugh. She's doing Lauren Hill/Bob Marley's "Turn the Lights Down Low". I'm thinking of three words right now, and the two outliers are "Jesus" and "Christ".

How has she gotten this far?

The middle word I was thinking of rhymes with "bucking".

Katie: "Please go home". Steve ... can't disagree.

New judge thinks "you're in trouble". New judge can't handle the audience ripping her. Pauler ... that's 45 seconds I'll never get back. But I'm thinking she didn't like it. Something about a stool. Simon rips her a new one. RJ compares it to paint drying. Seriously ... who has EVER watched paint dry? Maybe for a couple moments, but seriously, camping out to watch paint dry? Who's ever done that?

Still "slightly delayed".

Danny doing Rascal Flatts "What Hurts the Most".

What hurts the most ... was being so close ... he's doing well so far. Wait, "Deadbeat" loved Rascal Flatts. I should be booing this. Yet I can't. Good song, good performance.

Katie: "One of his best performances. I liked that". I did too, actually.

We got a fist pump on Simon's comment. Yes, it was good. New judge has goose bumps. I'd guess (grey) goose bumps.

Alison up next. She's looking ... red. She's busting out the guitar. Doing "Don't Speak" by No Doubt! This is going to effing ROCK!

That could have been better, but it was good. Katie: "she looks like the killer at a prom". Yup.

RJ rips the outfit. This coming from Randy. New judge is insane. Something about a raspy edge. Pauler ... (brian griffin voice) what the hell? Simon on the outfit. Wasn't a fan.

Blind Squirrel doing Billy Joel next. Katie: "ooh he got a haircut!"

Dammit, we're live at 7:40. 45 un-fast forwarded minutes of "Idol".

And we're back. With the blind squirrel.

How do you strip down Billy Joel? Sweet Jesus.

Katie: "Maybe they just did something else to his hair".

As a Billy Joel fan ... this is an absolute whiz, defecation, you name it, on the greatness that is Billy Joel.

If I had a hammer right now ... my head would be caved in.

That was TURRIBLE!

Pauler drops the handicap line. Simon looks hacked. Can't disagree with him. And yet, he liked it?!?! Sweet Jesus.

Matt and Lil up next. After (chuck woolery voice) 2 and 2 ...

And we're back. Go Matt Go!

And our 3rd judge is on the couch! Welcome Kellie!

Matt picks ... "You Found Me" by the Fray. Or as Dusty would put it, "The Frye!" Go Matt Go!

Katie "likes this setup". He's in the crowd with the piano. Go Matt Go!

Decent. Should have been better. Priest looks bored. Although in his defense, he's tore up his weiner dog toy.

Pauler agrees with me. Not his best effort.

All the judges agree with Katie, should have done "Apologize" by OneRepublic.

Lil up next. Just stick a, uuh, stick up my ass.

"I Surrender" by Celine Dion. I ... (steve reaching for proverbial stick ...)

She's no Whitney, she's no Celine ... she's no Penny Steinbrink. I Surrender too. This is TURRIBLE. Kellie: "oh wow. Jesus Christ! She's like, the chick that does the National Anthem that goes on and on because she sounds so good ... that's her ... oh Jesus Christ ... (inaudible ...)"

RJ not impressed. New judge is drunk, high, or both.

Duke just let out the longest sigh a dog has ever let out in this house. I'm with you pal. I'm with you. If you drop a, uuh, "dookie", nobody will complain.

Kellie: "Pauler is messed up! I just thought they were picking on her but she, is like, her eye is all spazzed out ..."

Adam up next. Oy.

Go Adam Go! "Play That Funky Music" by Wild Cherry. Sweet. F*cking. Jesus.

And yes ... I'm dancing to this.

Trainwreck? Yes. Frontrunner? You betcha!

Studio 57?!?! So anyways, Kris up next. He's last up, after consultation with the couch.

"Ain't No Sunshine" by Bill Withers. Oh Christ.

Amazing. Absolutely f*cking amazing.

We're on rewind number three.

Go Kris Go!

Kellie liked the keyboard.

Judges unanimous across the board, both on screen and on the couch. New frontrunner?

Katie: "top two tonight are Danny and Kris. Bottom two are Megan ... and Lil". I'd sub Lil for Blind Squirrel.