the fake mailbag 3.0

As always, these are "actual emails" from "actual readers". Or "simple figments of my vivid imagination". You decide.

* "So these top 20 reasons you're fired up for football ... is this just typical Steve winging it, or are there actually 20 laid out reasons"? -- Davey C, Raytown.

Yup, there are 20 laid out, defined reasons. On a piece of paper with scribble notes of what I want to emphasize to boot. There are many things in life I'll admit to doing half-assed, but on this one, I'm using my whole ass. Amongst the topics to look forward to in the final 14 reasons: an "Inside the Numbers" analysis of why the AFC West is up for grabs, and its all because of one truly p*ss poor head coach (which originally was 15, but events Sunday moved 12 "up" to 15 because I felt like it, so my "loving look" at this certain coach is now slated for sometime this weekend); (mark mangino voice) "You know what this is about, right? 3 Letters!"; two more tributes to die hard Chiefs fans / Steve good buddies; and the number one reason, a man I have a serious, serious mancrush on after watching the Channel 9 preseason special last week. As Mr. Hoduski would say, "stay tuned ..."

* "How's the 300,001st ounce tailgate coming? I made sure people RSVP'd!" -- Kellie B, KCK.

Actually, its looking really good. And thank you for your hard work there chica. Between evite confirmations and email confirmations, we're at 13 people and counting. For a Royals game invite, from me, in mid-August? That's un-effing-believable. Usually I'm going by myself at this point.

* "We won't be attending. We don't tailgate anymore." -- Tara W, Lenexa.

Glad to see having fun and enjoying a late summer afternoon with good friends is now beneath you. Although if you guys last until June, I lose my bet at the wedding, I'm pretty sure I had 7 years as the divorce date in the betting pool. But hey. I will continue to bow to you, the Queen of all Bitches.

* "$90 for Nebraska AND OU? This is Kansas football baby!" -- Brent S, Mission.

I'm just happy I'm still a "youth" according to our good friends in the University of Kansas Athletic Department. Who says 32 is old?

* "What the hell did you do to your hair?" -- anyone at the pool, this weekend.

Well, I shaved it off. Took a size 2 trimmer over every inch of it. I think it's sweet. Now I just have to invest in one of those razor thingies to keep it this short. And in more SPF 45 sunscreen for the head. That part sucks -- I never use above a SPF 15 on any other part of the body, but the 15 don't cut it on a nearly bald dome.

* "The bus is in preseason condition man! You ready?" -- Russ H, Raytown.

Am I ready? Holy crap am I ready! 1:30 on Saturday can't get here soon enough! I had 227 jello shots at Megan's homecoming tailgate a couple weeks ago. I'm aiming to knock that number out of the stratosphere for the Grigsby's "homecoming".

* "Admit it, you're laughing your ass off at Junior being 25th in points." -- Heath C, Harrisonville.

Not only laughing my ass off, but busting my gut from fits of hysteria. The most overrated driver ever is finally living up to his true potential. While my guy, in a friggin Petty mobile, is comfortably in the Chase as of this posting. I like it. I love it. I want some more of it!

* "The IRL has turned the corner! This push to pass thing is incredible!" -- Brett H, Harrisonville.

Damn skippy. The Kentucky race was the best race I've watched all year. I even tuned into a road course race last week to watch. The IRL is still the best racing series out there. Now its finally returning to its "holy f*cking sh*t!" finishes I know and love. One more roadie at Infineon, then three awesome ovals to finish the season in an epic race for the crown between Dixon, Briscoe, Castroneves, and Franchitti. I love this friggin series.

(And a side note: thank you IRL! for moving next year's race to May! I know one week later seems minor, but the different between April and May in this town is epic. I'll take 85 and sunny over 65 and windy as hell any day of the week.)

* "Who are you rooting for in the Big Brother house?" -- Shari R, Kansas City.

Russell. Love the guy. A close second is Jeff, who I pray uses the Coup d'Etat and saves Russ this week. Third is the lovely Jordan, who is without question THE single hottest chick ever to appear on this show. I spring into action just seeing her on my television screen. Wait, I think I just said too much there.

* "Who do you hate most in the Big Brother house?" -- Melissa A, Liberty.

Still in the house, Natalie. She's the only person I've seen this year that can give Tara a run for the "Queen" title. Evicted, Ronnie, that guy needs to have HHH grab his conveniently placed sledgehammer and wail away on him.

* "What do you think of the return of Millionaire?" -- Frank L, El Paso.

I hate the timed responses. Hate it. First five questions, fine, limit the response time. But half the fun of the original was contestants weighing the pros and cons of going for it. You lose that with this timed crap. Other than that, its muy bueno.

* "What are you most excited about in the next couple weeks?" -- Ben C, parts unknown.

Getting my DirecTV back. Of all the sh*t you dumped on DJ and I, that one p*sses me off the most, losing DirecTV. I am so ready to get NFL Network again. Speaking of which ...

* "Did you see? Every NFL preseason game in HD? On NFLN? Good stuff!" -- Drew K, Shawnee.

This is where I'd haul out the Gregg line that "ITS! PRE! SEASON!" ... but I plan on watching damned near every game. So yeah, its preseason! Woo!

* "Please say the Cards make it! Please! You're the swami when it comes to nailing off the wall prognistications! Remember Tynes last second against SD! Page's INT to beat oakland! You called the Cards championship in 06 to boot! Come on, say St. Louis!" -- Damien J, Midtown.

Your Cards will win the Central. And just like in 2006, an underachieving regular season team catches fire, runs through the Dodgers and Phillies, then overwhelms the AL Champions to win it all.

(Sadly, I actually think this will happen. Like this baseball season isn't bad enough, we'll get to deal with smug, arrogant Cardinals fan for the entire offseason. Oy.)

* "You're still saying 9-7, playoff bound?" -- Dusty J, Overland Park bound.

Yup. 6-2 at home, losing to Pittsburgh and either the Giants or Cowboys. 3-5 on the road, beating oakland, Jacksonville, and Washington. The Cincinnati and denver roadies are tossups. 9-7 isn't a ridiculous prediciton when you really look at the schedule. Playoff bound might be, but just wait until Reason 12 is posted, it won't seem as ridiculous.

* "You make Reason 12 sound like a reason to tune in for more!" -- Megan K, Berlin.

Yup. Trust me, the research I've done for reason 12 is staggering. In the last 20 years, there were 10 certifiably crappy coaches who took over a team that made the playoffs either 3 straight years, or 4 out of the 5 preceding years. 9 of them made the playoffs in year one. 8 of them made the playoffs in year two. Only two made it in year 3, with 7 of the 10 being shown the door. Both coaches that made the playoffs in year 3, were promptly fired in year four. The ONLY coach to survive? Is the only one who failed to make it in years one, two, three, OR four to the playoffs! And he's also the subject of Reason 12. Why any team would give this failure a second chance, I don't know. Why the Chargers gave him a third chance, makes you want to bash your head on the desk.

* "You making it to Milwaukee for a Bucks game this year?" -- Brooke B, Milwaukee.

Hell yes! The January 30th game against Miami is the frontrunner. A Friday night fish fry / boozefest at Lakefront Brewery. A Saturday touring various breweries and catching some hoops. A rock solid weekend. Or should I say, Rock Bottom, since I'll insist we have a few drinks on a tour of that fine establishment.

* "Who are your sleeper teams this year?" -- Vineet T, Queens NY.

denver in the AFC. I think its their division to lose. Tough in the NFC because New Orleans and Seattle really aren't "sleepers", they're veteran teams that had a ton of injuries that are going to rebound. But one of those two will win their division, if not both.

Finally ...

* "This mailbag sucked! Nothing really funny, nothing really original, just you posting some random thoughts and calling it a fake mailbag! You suck Stevo! Boo! Boo! (throwing peanuts)! Boo!" -- Gregg G, Bonner Springs.

Yeah, this wasn't one of my better efforts, but in my defense ... hell, there is no defense. This pretty much sucked. I'm sorry. Hopefully over the next week, between work and the Chiefs home opener, I get some decent stuff to comment about. But if not ... I'm guessing this is what I have to look forward to this season -- a heckler 8 rows behind me chucking peanuts at me. (the sports guy voice) yup, these are my readers.