a week away!

Only a week to go until my favorite summertime show returns. Big Brother 12 is almost here! (Good God, we're up to 12 editions of this crapfest already?!?! Wow, there's a lot of television viewing I'll never get back).

cbs.com has posted some initial cast videos, a video of the house (the password is "cabana"), and some bio's of the cast members. Since it is my lifelong dream to be on this show someday (because really, who do you know that is better at sitting around in the sun, shirtless and getting plastered, than me? I'd dominate this friggin game!), I decided to fill out the questionaire the cast members did, and give my initial impressions of the cast.

Fire away!

* Name: Steve.
* Nickname(s): Stevo.
* Current Residence: South KC, MO.
* Occupation: Accountant.
* Three Adjectives That Describe You: laid back, casual, special.
* Favorite Activities: tailgating; beer pong and volleyball in the pool; washers, cornhole, ladder toss; floating.
* What Do You Think Will Be the Most Difficult Part About Living Inside the Big Brother House: living with people who try too hard, too soon. You can't win this game on day one. Enjoy the joint for a while.
* Strategy For Winning Big Brother: be my usual charming self. That, and wear a fedora. Big pimpin'.
* What Type(s) of People Would You Not Want in the Big Brother House? chicks who think the world is owed to them. Or self-righteous blowhards. I can't stand houseguests who act like there's a moral code involved. You're on a game show where the best liar and schemer wins. There's no morals involved here.
* Which Past Big Brother Cast Member Did You Like the Most and Least? Most: Memphis, everyone's favorite mixologist. (I so need to buy a fedora, those things are friggin sweet!) And Renny, my model for how I'd be on the show. Least: either Chima, or Natalie from the winter edition (I think that was 8, but might have been 9).
* What Are You Afraid Of: earthquakes; flying; snakes.
* What Is the Accomplishment You Are Most Proud Of: not having a sex tape leak out of me yet.
* A Recurring Theme on Big Brother is "Expect the Unexpected". How Would You Handle the "Unexpected": same way as I always do -- with a bottle of wine and a lot of swearing.
* Is There Anything Else You Want the Fans To Know About Yourself: I'm a 33, single, social liberal, slightly delusional, laid back charming dude who's in it to win it!
* Finish This Sentence: "My Life's Motto Is ...": easy --

"So before you knock it, try it first.
You'll see its a blessing, and not a curse.
If you don't like my fire, then don't come around
Cause I'm gonna burn one down!
Yeah, I'm gonna burn one down!"

* And my initial rankings for each cast member, after reading bio's and seeing a couple videos. 13th means I hate them; 1st means I want them to win.

(subject to change once game play begins. Actually, this might become a recurring deal, like how Slezak at ew.com ranks the "Idol" contestants each week ...)

13. Ragan. Props for wearing the bow tie -- nobody's worn those on TV since beloved veteran D/FW weatherman Troy Dungan retired a decade ago. Says he will "use his gayness to win". Aw, that's special.

12. Britney. Very attractive. Hopefully we get at least some partial nudity out of her before she goes home. However, sweetheart -- if you have to tell the audience when you're being sarcastic, you're not really succeeding in being sarcastic.

11. Monet. Seems likable enough ... only she also seems like a drama queen and a diva. Admits she's been raised "like a princess", and that she still lives with her folks and they pay all her bills. I smell Chima 2.0 if she isn't dealt with early on.

10. Lane. He's 24. He played football at Texas Tech. Which means he was a freshman on that Tech team that stormed back from down 30-5 at halftime to beat KU in Lawrence 31-30 in one of the worst games of the Mangino era. Screw him. On the other hand, his favorite BB player ever is Memphis (hey, mine too!!!), so he has that going for him.

9. Rachel. Very attractive. She looks like that hot as hell redhead that "Boy Meets World" drug into the cast the last couple years it was on the air. (Yes, I watched "Boy Meets World". Deal with it. I had a huge, hu-yuge!, crush on Topanga back in the day). She's also a "VIP Cocktail Waitress" in Las Vegas. I'm laying 5:2 odds on her being one of Tiger's "bevy of broads", as the Sun put it.

8. Andrew. A 39 year old "practicing Jew" who has a daughter, but no ring on the finger. Apparently practicing safe sex isn't a commandment in his Torah. (That, or he's divorced. Still, I'm sure his book of religious instruction doesn't smile on either option). His strategory includes using Russell's plan, which is a bit ridiculous, seeing as how Russell was so clueless last year he didn't even realize he was going up for eviction the week he got sent home. He's set up nicely to be the village idiot.

7. Kathy. A 40 year old sheriff's deputy from Texarkana. Has survived breast cancer. Can probably kick my ass eight ways from Sunday, and not break a sweat. Seems a little too happy to be here. On the other hand, I've been to Texarkana a time or two. If I got to leave there for a summer in LA, I'd be a little too happy to be there as well.

6. Enzo. Jersey Shore meets the CBS Lot in Hollywood! A Jersey native, an Italian, whose favorite pastime is bocce ball. Even odds on him being related to Anthony somehow. Or Jeremy, that guy is always at the Bocce club. Has potential to be this year's Memphis, the dude who uses his charm and all around humor (and the awesome fedora) to sneak into the final three.

5. Annie. Two words, gentlemen. Hang on, I'll give you a second to prepare yourself. Ready? (pause ...) She's bisexual. (joel meyers voice) aw sh*t ... Admits in the promo video she'll use her boobs to charm the fellas and the ladies. Really, I'm getting excited just thinking about that. A very compelling reason to get BB After Dark on (jimmy lennon jr voice) Showtime!

4. Brendon. A swim coach. Very, uuh, "pleasing to look at", in the words of the Chenbot. (I can only imagine what she'd say about me. "Steve ... well, Steve is, uuh, he's a, uuh, he's got a great personality, and I am bringing a huge collection of t-shirts for him to wear so I don't have to look at him shirtless anymore". That about sums it up, I think). Anyways, seems like he has a good sense of humor, and he's already pleading for a showmance. "Not a romantic thing, just a girl to break the beds in with". This guy equals ... well, me in my dreams.

3. Matt. A heavily tattooed dude from Illinois. Looked like some sweet designs in the promo video, I might have to pay close attention and get some inspiration for myself. I'm 33 now; the clock's ticking on being able to get inked up without looking like a tool. His hobby is "annoying people for my own amusement". He admits he has "no filter from the brain to the mouth", and claims he's "the smartest contestant this show has ever seen". I'm sure Dr. Will is shaking in his boots at that threat. I'm calling it right now -- G roots for this guy to win.

2. Kristen. A very attractive blonde from Pennsylvania. She wouldn't want to live with a bunch of "Average Joe's", so I guess I'd be sh*t out of luck with her. But a kid can dream. I'm predicting her and Brendon hook up within three days of this thing getting underway.

1. Hayden. A 24 year old college student. After six plus years, on a freaking baseball scholarship to Arizona State, he still hasn't graduated. You gotta admire that. He's also afraid to fly (hey, me too!) Basically, in his promos, he comes across as a guy you'd be honored to have at your tailgate. Infer from that what you will. For now, he's my pony in this race. Now I need to seek out Hammerin' Hank Goldberg to get some odds on this pony crossing the finish line ...