I should probably admit up front, I am beyond geeked up for Idol this week.
I freaking love Carole King. Love, love, love her music. You will never convince me a greater cd than “Tapestry” has ever been recorded. Because it hasn’t been. This woman is beyond legendary (and still damned good live as well). I am beyond geeked up for this.
In the words of the late, great Marvin Gaye, “let’s get it on!”
A horrendous Seacrest intro. Is he feeling threatened by the initial ratings success of “The Voice”? I think he is! Because this was a needless 90 seconds out of my life. Although I did just pound a beer, so maybe it was worth it. Reminds me – tonight’s recap liquid refreshment? Budweiser. What can I say, it was on sale. $8.99 for a 12 pack! You’re damned right I bought four of those suckers.
And the only response I have to Jacob’s outfit is, in my best George Takei voice impersonation: “Oh my”.
Damn, they inserted Taylor Hicks into the opening montage of winners. I liked it better when Daughtry was in the photo spread.
Brad Garrett in the house. Seacrest working the crowd, notes “we need that energy! We want that energy! We like that energy!” Christ, is this a workout show, or a singing competition?
Seacrest promises another “90 minutes of outstanding music”. Uuh, yeah, right.
Seacrest expresses shock that a cd by Carole King and James Taylor can top the charts in 2011. Ryan? Quality ALWAYS rises to the top. And you don’t get much better than Carole King and James Taylor.
Babyface is our guest mentor this week. Put it this way – he could show up with a 40oz, a joint, bloodshot eyes, and two ladies of the night under each arm while reeking of cigarettes and urine, and he’d STILL be a one thousand percent improvement over Will I Am.
Jacob up first. He’s doing “Oh No, Not My Baby”. Rehearsal is a trainwreck, and that’s putting it politely. It’s more like my nephew grabbing Thomas and friends and dropping them off the bridge then saying “look Teve, they fall!”
Wow. I’ll just leave the opening at that. Wow. Actually I won’t leave it at that – if Jacob Lusk isn’t evicted tonight, (mark promise voice) I will streak buck ass naked around the streets of south KC. This isn’t horrific, but it is certainly not terrific. Maybe terrify-ific. It’s bad folks. It’s really bad. He’s out of tune, he totally botched the transition to the chorus, and that outfit, Jesus, he looks like a poor man’s hobo. Not even the clowns employed by Chuck E. Cheese would wear that.
Steven: “about time you shook your tailfeathers. That was beautiful!” Then this gem: “when you strut like that, that’s the magic”. Really, this man makes more in an hour of work each week, than I earn in a year.
JLo: “you killed it”. Yup, with the rope, in the library. Not sure if it was Miss White or Miss Scarlet though.
Randy: “the skatting was incredible”. Hopes America will “give you some votes so you can stick around baby”. Hang on, I need another frosty cold one. If this insane judicial fellating continues, I might plow through all 48 cans before I reach the final performance.
Lauren after the break, meeting Miley Cyrus. Can someone page Colonel Mustard, because I’m ready for a lead pipe to the side of my head in the study.
She’s doing “Where You Lead”. Good choice. Good song for her. God bless it this girl has a voice. “She was so nice. She gave me such great advice”. Her advice? Be yourself. Good Lord, I could have told you that for far less than whatever Ms. Cyrus just made in royalties and appearance fees.
Here we go. And I gotta say, Lauren is starting to take on the Jordin Sparks “where the hell did this girl come from” contender status. I’m just saying.
(brian griffin voice) what the hell? She just pulled some random dude out of the front row onto the stage to tell him that “where you lead, I will follow”. Which is neat and all, I mean, Courtney Cox owes her entire career to Springsteen picking her out of the front row in the “Dancing in the Dark” video. But if you’re gonna use a tool like this as a prop, for Christ’s sake, sing at HIM, not the judges! She finally sits down next to the dude, who’s wearing a completely goofy ass grin on his face, and if you just watched the last fifteen seconds, you know why. I guaran-damn-tee you he knows what color she’s wearing. That was a wonderful moment, in a “whoa, this is illegal in all 50 states, the District, and all six territories … ok, maybe not the District” kind of way.
Outstanding performance. I’d give it a solid B+. The judges of course will overrate it, but what the hell, this girl has talent.
Let’s just say, Lauren’s mom didn’t look too happy about that “performance” she put on for that guy in the last 30 seconds. Me? I had no complaints. Anytime an attractive female wants to “shake her tailfeather” in my face, I’m cool with it.
JLo says she was great. Randy says she came out with “some extra swagger”, and notes “each time could be the last time, or could be the next time”. Way to hedge the bets there RJ. I have absolutely no f*cking clue what Steven was attempting to say, something about dartboards and character. Possibly with a rubber chicken tossed in.
Our first duet after the break, Haley and Casey. Doing “I Feel The Earth Move”. Intriguing. Casey says he likes “growling with (Haley)”. Here’s a $50, get a room for an hour and just do it already. Can’t wait to see how he handles the line in this song “I’ve just got to have your baby”. If they sing it that far out.
Oh yeah, they sang it! Talk dirty to me!
This is surprisingly enjoyable. It’s horrific vocally, but it’s damned entertaining. And look at Casey, breaking out his best Blake Lewis beat box impersonation! That was a thoroughly enjoyable segment! Two gigantic thumbs up!
Steven calls Casey “weird beard”, calls out his crush on Haley. “I don’t want to speak for everybody here, but I will”. Ha! I agree with Steven, there wasn’t anything about that I didn’t like. Agreed, nothing but good. Apparently he’s our only judge.
“Scotty the Body” next. Come on. That’s awful Ryan, and you know it.
Scotty upset that the judges call him on doing nothing but country. Doing “You Got a Friend”. This could be really good. Or really awful. (Thanks Randy).
Jimmy calls this the “most romantic song he’s tried to sing yet”. What, “Swingin” wasn’t romantic enough? Here we go.
Wow. That was phenomenally good. I did NOT see that coming. For once, he didn’t sound like a country star. That was phenomenally good! I would absolutely pay to watch THAT Scotty McCreery in concert.
Randy says he “turned the other cheek from last week”. I have no idea what Randy’s criticism was about, that song was flawless. “Scotty’s in it to win it Steven!” No …
Steven: incomprehensible.
JLo: absolute nonsense. (horrific mtv game show voice) Next!
And next would be … my pony / puppy / rooster / rubber chicken in this competition, James. And he’s doing my favorite Carole King song, “Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow”. I hope he does this like Carole King did on “Tapestry” and goes more acapella and stripped down than the Shirelles version, or any other version out there. This song effing rocks. Especially for the throwaway line “can I … believe … the magic of your sighs …” that never fails to slay me, in that it comes at the end of reflecting on a night of passion. Sighs / size. Kills me. God I love quality music. Too bad nobody other than Usher does that in top 40 today.
Here we go.
Holy God, the first verse. That might be the best 30 seconds this show has broadcast in three years. And now he goes uptempo for the rest of the song. And I am totally digging this. Wow. That … that was the best performance of the season so far, and nothing else has even come close. That was f*cking amazing!!! Hang on …
(steve) (hitting rewind button)
(steve) (rewatching performance for awhile …)
I don’t need the judges critiques. I know (reggie jackson voice) second f*cking base when I see it. Next up, a group duet with Lauren and Scotty that, I gotta admit, I want to skip. But they’re doing another instant classic, “Up On The Roof”. I’ll give it a try.
And … it wasn’t half bad. I’m rapidly speeding through the judges comments because the NFL draft is about to begin, and I want to get this damned thing done already. Casey up next doing “Hi De Ho”. He will completely roo-een this song.
Although he opens in a fedora, I’m cool with that. Going for a bluesey version, I’m cool with that too. This is surprisingly decent. And he chucks the fedora into the crowd. Bad Casey. Fedoras rule. Decent ending to boot. He’s safe. Again, fast forwarding, NFL draft awaits. Next up, Haley.
Doing “Beautiful”, a very overlooked track on “Tapestry”. Probably because it’s right after the opening trio of awesome “It’s Too Late”, “I Feel The Earth Move” and “So Far Away”, and right before “You’ve Got a Friend”.
And this is about as forgettable a performance as imaginable. Although I do want to give “Idol” some credit here – by sticking at 90 minutes even after dropping to 6, they gave the contestants enough time to perform the entire song. That’s a trend that needs to continue.
The pick is in: Cam Newton, one of the sleaziest college players to ever come down the pike, will be robbing Jerry Richardson and the Panthers blind for the next couple years. Thanks again NCAA, for refusing to enforce your rules and regulations, and allowing a sh*tbag like this to earn millions of dollars by abusing you. The NCAA is nothing more than a pathetic whore in a rundown motel at this point, stunned when some perp beats her senseless and walks out without paying. They’re the best.
One performance to go, James and Jacob doing “I’m Into Something Good”. I’m guessing this won’t be something good. And it’s not. This is the worst performance of the night, and that’s saying something, given how ear-drum busting awful Jacob was on his solo.
Best of the night: James. Absolutely James.
Worst of the night: Jacob. Absolutely Jacob.
Bottom three: Jacob, Haley, Casey.
Going Home: Jacob.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
who the chiefs pick should be
"It was all, that I could do, to keep from cryin'.
Sometimes it seemed so useless to remain.
You don't have to call me darlin', darlin'.
You never even called me by my name ...
You don't have to call me Waylon Jennings.
You don't have to call me Charlie Pride.
And you don't have to call me Merle Haggard anymore,
Even though you're on my fightin' side.
And I'll hang around as long as you will let me.
And I never minded standin' in the rain.
And you don't have to call me darlin', darlin'.
You never even called me by my name!"
-- "You Never Even Called Me By My Name" by the great David Allen Coe. Seemed fitting on draft day to find a song about calling someone's name out to lead things off ...
---------------------------
(Side note right up top: I have zero, zip, nada, absolutely no faith the Chiefs will draft who I want them to. They will do what they always do: go the safe, conservative, consensus route and take some defensive end or offensive lineman. And it is going to infuriate me, in a "look out, there goes an empty Coors Light can across the room!" kind of way. But, before you say "as usual Stevo, what were you smoking when you decided THIS is who you want the Chiefs to pick at 21", just note -- "The Voice of Reason" and I rarely agree on anything. Politics (especially), sports (usually), you name it, we never agree. But we are in TOTAL lockstep on what the top two priorities for the Chiefs should be tonight, and who the pick should be if priority one (as expected) is not there at 21. When I've got "The Voice of Reason" on my side, I'd like to think that for once, I won't have half the readership hauling out their best Arnold Jackson voice impersonation and asking "what you talkin' 'bout Stevo?")
(Second side note: for the younger readers in the audience, who last week couldn't figure out an A-Team reference (Jesus God above, are you freaking kidding me ...), Arnold Jackson was the character played by Gary Coleman on "Diff'rent Strokes", and "what you talkin' 'bout Willis?" was his trademark catchphrase. Hope that helps those of you who weren't raised on wretchedly awful 80s sitcoms and dramas. Now, without any further side notes, on to the actual post!!!)
Let's choose to blissfully ignore the labor nonsense that is getting loonier by the hour, and oh yeah, let's also ignore that I still haven't finished the recap of last night's "American Idol" yet (it's coming I swear, if I could ever stop rewinding James' performance ...).
Instead, let's focus today on the one positive of the NFL offseason so far.
Yes, tonight is the NFL Draft, round one. The Chiefs pick 21st overall. As you might expect, I have a very strong opinion about who the Chiefs should use the 21st selection in this year's draft on. What you might not suspect ... is who I desperately want the Chiefs to pick.
Various mock drafts have the Chiefs selecting from a thoroughly predictable group of players. Mel Kiper's final mock has us taking OT Gabe Carimi from Wisconsin. Ditto Don Banks at SI. Todd McShay of ESPN, Peter King of SI, and Pete Prisco of Sportsline have us selecting Arizona DE / OLB Brooks Reed. The Star's Upon Further Review (which has a great look at who they think the Chiefs are targeting, by position and by round) has us taking Baylor DT Phil Taylor. Defensive end, offensive tackle. Certainly those are two areas of need.
But are either of those really the Chiefs biggest area of need? I say no. Screw that, I say "hell no".
With your first round pick, I firmly believe you need to maximize the value of where you pick. I firmly believe you take the best player available that fits your most glaring need.
The Chiefs biggest area of need, in my never humble opinion, is wide receiver. Anyone who watched our playoff loss to Baltimore could clearly see that. The Ravens constantly doubled D Bowe because the Chiefs (literally) had no other reliable receiving threat on the field, other than Jamaal Charles, who was effectly bottled up by the Ravens front seven.
Unfortunately, there are only two "game changer" wideouts in this draft, and in order to acquire either one, the Chiefs will have to move up, likely into the top six or seven picks. Honestly? We can't afford to do that. The Chiefs still have too many holes to fill to be sacrificing first rounders next year in order to move up this year. We either need to maximize the value at 21, or fall back and acquire more picks.
(Of course, if the NFLPA* ultimately wins in the Eighth Circuit, and collective bargaining ceases to exist, then so does the draft. So maybe trading a 2012 first rounder in a draft that, at this point, is a 50/50 bet to occur, wouldn't be such a bad thing? But anyways).
Since I do not support sacrificing future picks to move up for AJ Green or Julio Jones, I believe at 21, the Chiefs should address their second most glaring, obvious need. And it ain't defensive end, defensive tackle, or the offensive line.
It's quarterback.
I can already hear the boo-birds and the folks lined up with rotten tomatoes, ready to start chucking them at me. "Come on Stevo, we can't p*ss away a first rounder on a project!" Uuh, yes, yes we can. God knows we've p*ssed away many a first rounder on "sure bets" like Ryan Sims and Tyson Jackson. "Come on Stevo, we already have Matt Cassel! He's a good quarterback!" Uuh, yes, yes he is. But he is NOT a franchise quarterback.
I made this point a couple months ago in my season ending thoughts, and I'm gonna make it again. Six years ago, the Chiefs held the 15th pick in the 2005 NFL Draft. The obvious, safe, nobody will question it pick, at that point, was Texas LB Derrick Johnson. The Chiefs had a need at linebacker. The best linebacker in the draft was available. "The Voice of Reason" argued in favor of the Johnson pick for 15 straight minutes ...
While I countered his argument for fifteen straight minutes that the (not) safe, (not) obvious, (definitely) no doubt about it selection was to draft Cal QB Aaron Rodgers. If EVER a franchise quarterback had fallen into our laps, was my argument, it was now. You can always find a serviceable linebacker, either in free agency or via a training camp trade or cast-off signing. What you will NEVER find, via free agency, and RARELY find, via a trade, is a franchise quarterback, a guy you can trot out there every game for a decade and know his presence on the field makes you a contender.
The Chiefs selected Derrick Johnson. To be fair, DJ has had a solid, serviceable career. He was the safe, obvious, no doubt about it, can't miss prospect he was advertised to be. But -- be honest. Would you rather have Derrick Johnson on the roster, or would you rather have Aaron Rodgers under center? If your answer honestly and objectively is "Derrick Johnson, Stevo, that's who I'd want", I suggest you immediately put down the bong, put down the Miller Lite, stop snorting the line, and seek the council of a mental health professional. Immediately. Because you've just proven Steve Rule 34.
You know, Steve Rule 34. "If you ever make a decision, and find that the reaction to said decision is "you'd have to be mentally retarded or named Steve to have done that", just assume you've f*cked up". If you want a defensive end tonight, or an offensive tackle, then please, re-read rule 34. And realize that even the Steve referred to in that rule thinks you'd have to be mentally retarded to go that route.
The pick tonight, the ONLY pick, that makes sense, both from a short-range, mid-range, and long-term view of the franchise, the name that had damned well better be on the card when the Chiefs walk it up to the podium ...
Is Arkansas QB Ryan Mallett.
(hushed, shocked silence).
Yes, Arkansas QB Ryan Mallett.
(more stunned, hushed, "stevo has officially lost his f*cking mind" silence).
One more time. Arkansas. Quarterback. Ryan. Mallett.
For one reason, and one reason only: you CANNOT pass up a potential franchise quarterback when he falls in your lap. Period. Mallett is going to be there at pick 21, thanks to ridiculous rumors about alleged drug use that NOBODY can prove. The kid has been in trouble once in his life -- he got an underage public intoxication charge. I'm here to tell you, if drinking under age disqualifies you from pursuing your chosen career, then pretty much every f*cking person reading this should be drawing unemployment or living in their parents basement broke and destitute right now. I drank under age. Hell, I drank under age in my parent's basement. Amazingly, I never got a public intoxication charge, but God knows I should have on many occasions.
For that, for one night of postgame celebration, you're gonna crucify the kid? I've read the drug rumors. OK, let's concede that he got into weed his first semester at Michigan. Let me get this straight -- an 18 year old, out on his own for the first time, over 1,500 miles from home, not knowing a person on campus, feels homesick, feels lonely, and decides to smoke to cope with it? Crucify the kid! I mean Jesus, that's exactly what I did when I went to TCU. I got homesick and depressed my first semester. I drank and got high to cope with it. (Something I still do 15 years later. Wait, scratch that. It's now 16 years later. Man, I am freaking old.) Lots of people do that, turn to chemicals to deal with depression. It's not even remotely surprising to me that he dabbled with weed. Because again, if smoking weed disqualifies you from pursuing your chosen field of employment, then just about every person reading this should reconsider their lives.
There is NO evidence anywhere that Mallett ever progressed beyond weed, and even if he had, he passed every drug test ever given him in college and at the combine. So he's drug free right now, and has been for at least the last three years. What's the problem here? This isn't Jimmy Smith, the talented CB from Colorado that some team is going to p*ss their first round pick away on. Jimmy Smith, with at least three -- 3!!! -- documented failed drug tests at Colorado, one for codeine. That's a drug addict folks. That's someone with no self control. Yet some team is going to willingly risk millions of dollars on a kid who time and time again can't control his urges, while Ryan Mallett slides and has ridiculous rumors that not one godd*mned person can prove flying around about him. It's beyond outrageous. It's grouse. It's criminite in nature.
Here's what I see when I look at Ryan Mallett. I see a guy who, when graded by Football Outsiders, threw 21 passes last season of 40 or more yards. 17 of them were accurately thrown. 17 of 21 deep balls were direct hits into his receivers hands. That's insane. Do you think Matt Cassel can go 17/21 against a SEC-level defense on balls going 40 plus yards deep? Hell no he can't! Some team is going to pick Jake Locker, a nice kid, a decent prospect, ahead of Ryan Mallett. Locker completed 54% of his throws in his collegiate career. 54%! He also posted two losing records in his three seasons as a starter, and his one winning record, this past season? He went 7-6. To put it mildly, that's not franchise level good. That doesn't project into a big-time winner at the next level. Yet some team is going to pick him ahead of Ryan Mallett. I swear, I could be a NFL GM. I'm smarter than half of them. I know I am as intoxicated as some of them appear to constantly be.
I see a kid in Mallett who took Arkansas from 5-7 (the season he transferred, and had to sit out) ... to 8-5 and the Liberty Bowl, and 10-3 and the Sugar Bowl. Arkansas. Who happens to play in the best conference in college football (The SEC, which has won the last five national championships, and six of the last nine, by four different schools). Think about that -- in a twelve team conference, four of them (Alabama, Auburn, Florida, LSU) have won the national title in the last five years. Since the advent of the BCS, five SEC schools have won it all (Tennessee as well, in 1998), and a sixth school (Georgia) routinely plays in BCS bowls (four in the last seven years). Meaning half the damned conference is top ten caliber every freaking season. Against that, to say nothing of perennial bowlers South Carolina, Kentucky, and Ole Miss, against that level of competition, Mallett took a decent but not great Arkansas team to 18 wins (versus 8 losses) and a BCS bowl in two years. That's what I see when I see Ryan Mallett -- he's a winner, against the highest level of competition college football has to offer.
Other rumors are that he routinely criticizes his teammates. To which I say, so? I would hope he b*tches out poor play! If you aren't carrying your weight, you should expect to have your ass chewed out. I want a quarterback who does that. It shouldn't fall on the coaches to tell someone he sucks ass today. Let the leader of your team do it.
You know who doesn't b*tch about Mallett's criticisms or outbursts or attitude? His coaches and his teammates. Google search it. You can't find a single teammate with anything negative to say about anything affiliated with Ryan Mallett, save for making fun of his lack of speed. (Which no offense, but Matt Cassel isn't exactly Bo Jackson in our backfield either. And the next time alleged all time great peyton manning (now 10-11 in the postseason!!!) scrambles for a 20 yard gain, will be the first. I don't care if a QB can scramble. I care if he can throw. Mallett can flat out throw the freaking football. Don't believe me? Keep reading).
Here are Mallett's stats from his two seasons at Arkansas (source: ESPN Insider):
26 games, 26 starts.
18-8 record (11-5 SEC).
491/814 (60.3%) passing, for 7,464 yards.
62 TD / 19 INT.
I'm just gonna flat out ask this -- does any Chiefs fan reading this think there's even a remote shot in hell that over a 26 game stretch, that Matt Cassel would complete 60 percent of his passes, for over 7,000 yards, with a 4/1 TD / INT ratio? I will grant you, the college game's rules encourage more offense, more scoring, because the clock stops so often. So let's just drop that a little bit -- does any Chiefs fan reading this think there's even a remote shot in the seventh layer of hell that over a 26 game stretch, Matt Cassel would complete 55% of his passes, for over 5,500 yards, with a 3/1 TD / INT ratio? I can see (1) and (3), but there's no way he's getting (2). Mallett not only can attain those goals, he already has surpassed them!
Look it, I like Matt Cassel. He's a decent quarterback who's good enough to get you to 10 wins and a playoff berth. Which is what's wrong with him. Because Matt Cassel is every damned quarterback this team has had the last 25 years. Good enough to get you into the playoffs (Bill Kenney, Steve DeBerg, Dave Kreig, an old Joe Montana, Steve Bono, Elvis Grbac, dick gannon, Trent Green, Damon Huard, Matt Cassel). All those guys led the Chiefs to a playoff berth. All of them are serviceable, decent NFL quarterbacks. NONE of them was a "franchise quarterback", including gannon. (No, dick gannon is NOT a franchise QB. Someone who is cut by four teams before getting it, is not a franchise QB. Ditto someone who becomes an entrenched starter for the first time at age 35. You can't bulid long-term around that. Which stupidly, the raiders tried to do. That's why they're the raiders, God hate their heinous demon-indwelt hearts).
For years, when I was asked the question "Stevo, what would you rather have, the 1990s Chiefs (9 winning seasons, 7 postseason berths, 3 division championships, 1 AFC Title game appearance, 0 Super Bowls) or the 1990s Rams (1 winning season, 1 division title, 1 NFC Title game appearance, 1 Super Bowl)"? And for years, and years, and years, my answer always, without a moment of hesitation, was "1990s Chiefs". Because let's be honest -- if you were a Rams fan, a die hard Rams fan, the 1990s were nine years of awful. 9 straight 10 loss seasons, your team moves halfway across the country, they keep hiring decrepit old coaches that bomb out on the field (John Robinson, Chuck Knox, Rich Brooks, Dick Vermeil). And entering the final season of the 1990s, you're starting a grocery store stock boy under center.
What I never accounted for ... was that at some point, you get f*cking sick and tired of being good enough to contend, but never good enough to be on top at the end of the year. I'm at that point now. I'm sick and tired of shelling out $2,000 plus dollars a year to watch a 10 win team get boatraced in the wildcard round. I want a championship. I want to collapse in my beloved seat (132, 26, 14) as the clock strikes triple zeros of the AFC Championship game, and just begin crying. Not little tears of joy, I mean full on sobs, as the Chiefs accept Lamar's Trophy and reach a Super Bowl. I want that. Desperately. I want to be that guy every person walking by is making fun of because I can't stop crying at my team reaching a Super Bowl. I want to be that guy who gets laughed at, mocked, ridiculed on the walk out as the tears are still streaming down my face ...
Because I know every legitimate die-hard fan is gonna be crying right along with me. The only way those tears of joy are ever gonna come, is by drafting, grooming, and starting a franchise quarterback under center. Matt Cassel is NOT a franchise quarterback. He's a solid option, but you're not winning a Super Bowl with him. He's Matt Hasselbeck, he's Carson Palmer, he's Jay Cutler, he's David Garrard. You can absolutely win 10-11 games, a division title, and maybe a game in the wildcard round with Matt Cassel under center. But you sure as all hell aren't going on the road in round two, to Indy or New England or Pittsburgh or Baltimore or San Diego or even the swamps of North Jersey, and beating them on the road with Matt Cassel under center, I know that for sure. (Well, ok, maybe at San Diego, you always have to account for Norv Turner.)
Thursday night, for the first time since 2005, the best quarterback in the draft, the player that I believe is the ONLY potential franchise quarterback in this draft, is going to fall into the Chiefs lap. We failed to pull the trigger in 2005, and you can argue it's the single biggest mistake of the Carl Peterson era. You can legitimately argue it's the single biggest draft day blunder the Chiefs have made in the last 25 years, and God knows we've had some epic whiffs in the first round. But letting a Super Bowl winning franchise quarterback slide past you because you value a non-franchise position need more? That's insanity. That's why Carl Peterson is unemployed.
Thursday night, Ryan Mallett is going to be there at 21. The Chiefs have a need at defensive end and on the offensive line. Both non-franchise positions. The simple bitter truth is that you cannot win a championship in the NFL unless you have a franchise quarterback under center. Currently in this league, I count 10 guys I would call "franchise quarterbacks" -- Tom Brady, Ben Roethlisberger, Joe Flacco, Peyton Manning, Philip Rivers, Tony Romo, Eli Manning, Aaron Rodgers, Drew Brees, Matt Ryan). There's three more guys who are damned close to that status (Mark Sanchez, Sam Bradford, Josh Freeman). That's it. Your Super Bowl champion every year for the near future is coming from one of those thirteen quarterbacks, you can bet every damned thing you own on that. And you know what else these guys have in common? 10 of the 13 were first round picks. Drew Brees was the first pick of the second round. Only Tony Romo and Tom Brady were not first round, top of the board quarterbacks entering this league.
The model is there. You win a championship in this league by drafting and investing in a franchise quarterback in round one. It's been that way for years. The last non-franchise QB to win a Super Bowl was Brad Johnson in Tampa Bay. Since then, only the best of the best have led their teams to victory:
2003: Tom Brady over Jake Delhomme
2004: Tom Brady over Donovan McNabb
2005: Ben Roethlisberger over Matt Hasselbeck
2006: Peyton Manning over Rex Grossman
2007: Eli Manning over Tom Brady
2008: Ben Roethlisberger over Kurt Warner
2009: Drew Brees over Peyton Manning
2010: Aaron Rodgers over Ben Roethlisberger
There is one potential franchise quarterback in this draft. Ryan Mallett. His stock has somehow plunged amidst rumors of off-the-field behavior. Meanwhile, a man who got booted from Florida for (depending on who you believe) cheating on a test or stealing a laptop, a man who played for three colleges in three years, and who took $180,000 to arrive at his last location, he's going number one. To say nothing of the fact that Cam Newton hasn't taken one snap in a pro offense, while Ryan Mallett's entire collegiate career, both at Michigan and at Arkansas, was spent in the West Coast / pro style offense.
(The biggest shocker in the Cam Newton mess? Urban Meyer actually punishing one of his players! Attaboy UM! 1 of the 31 players arrested on your 5 year watch was booted! Yay! Jesus, the NCAA is such a f*cking joke, they are a total and complete joke. If Florida football under Urban Meyer is not the absolute textbook definition of "lack of institutional control", then the rule has no reason to exist, and neither does the NCAA. Enforce the f*cking rules on your books guys. Maybe then you won't be a national disgrace. Anyways, back to the point of this post, assuming I can remember what the hell it is ...)
Do it Scott Pioli. Draft Ryan Mallett tonight. Gabe Carimi is a nice prospect. But he's not the difference between making the playoffs and winning a championship. Jordan Reed is a rock solid prospect. Ditto Phil Taylor. Neither one of those guys is going to be the difference maker for you to win a championship. And to be fair, Ryan Mallett may be an incredible bust on par with Todd Blackledge. But I know this -- if he does blossom, and is a success, like I believe he's going to be, you HAVE to draft him tonight. You HAVE to. And it shouldn't take more than 4 seconds to write his name on the card and send it to the stage.
Remember 2005, Scott. Would you rather have Derrick Johnson six years in, or Aaron Rodgers six years in? Please, don't screw the pooch like Carl did six years ago. Take the franchise quarterback. And for the love of God, don't make me have to invoke Steve Rule 34 when the pick is announced tonight ...
Sometimes it seemed so useless to remain.
You don't have to call me darlin', darlin'.
You never even called me by my name ...
You don't have to call me Waylon Jennings.
You don't have to call me Charlie Pride.
And you don't have to call me Merle Haggard anymore,
Even though you're on my fightin' side.
And I'll hang around as long as you will let me.
And I never minded standin' in the rain.
And you don't have to call me darlin', darlin'.
You never even called me by my name!"
-- "You Never Even Called Me By My Name" by the great David Allen Coe. Seemed fitting on draft day to find a song about calling someone's name out to lead things off ...
---------------------------
(Side note right up top: I have zero, zip, nada, absolutely no faith the Chiefs will draft who I want them to. They will do what they always do: go the safe, conservative, consensus route and take some defensive end or offensive lineman. And it is going to infuriate me, in a "look out, there goes an empty Coors Light can across the room!" kind of way. But, before you say "as usual Stevo, what were you smoking when you decided THIS is who you want the Chiefs to pick at 21", just note -- "The Voice of Reason" and I rarely agree on anything. Politics (especially), sports (usually), you name it, we never agree. But we are in TOTAL lockstep on what the top two priorities for the Chiefs should be tonight, and who the pick should be if priority one (as expected) is not there at 21. When I've got "The Voice of Reason" on my side, I'd like to think that for once, I won't have half the readership hauling out their best Arnold Jackson voice impersonation and asking "what you talkin' 'bout Stevo?")
(Second side note: for the younger readers in the audience, who last week couldn't figure out an A-Team reference (Jesus God above, are you freaking kidding me ...), Arnold Jackson was the character played by Gary Coleman on "Diff'rent Strokes", and "what you talkin' 'bout Willis?" was his trademark catchphrase. Hope that helps those of you who weren't raised on wretchedly awful 80s sitcoms and dramas. Now, without any further side notes, on to the actual post!!!)
Let's choose to blissfully ignore the labor nonsense that is getting loonier by the hour, and oh yeah, let's also ignore that I still haven't finished the recap of last night's "American Idol" yet (it's coming I swear, if I could ever stop rewinding James' performance ...).
Instead, let's focus today on the one positive of the NFL offseason so far.
Yes, tonight is the NFL Draft, round one. The Chiefs pick 21st overall. As you might expect, I have a very strong opinion about who the Chiefs should use the 21st selection in this year's draft on. What you might not suspect ... is who I desperately want the Chiefs to pick.
Various mock drafts have the Chiefs selecting from a thoroughly predictable group of players. Mel Kiper's final mock has us taking OT Gabe Carimi from Wisconsin. Ditto Don Banks at SI. Todd McShay of ESPN, Peter King of SI, and Pete Prisco of Sportsline have us selecting Arizona DE / OLB Brooks Reed. The Star's Upon Further Review (which has a great look at who they think the Chiefs are targeting, by position and by round) has us taking Baylor DT Phil Taylor. Defensive end, offensive tackle. Certainly those are two areas of need.
But are either of those really the Chiefs biggest area of need? I say no. Screw that, I say "hell no".
With your first round pick, I firmly believe you need to maximize the value of where you pick. I firmly believe you take the best player available that fits your most glaring need.
The Chiefs biggest area of need, in my never humble opinion, is wide receiver. Anyone who watched our playoff loss to Baltimore could clearly see that. The Ravens constantly doubled D Bowe because the Chiefs (literally) had no other reliable receiving threat on the field, other than Jamaal Charles, who was effectly bottled up by the Ravens front seven.
Unfortunately, there are only two "game changer" wideouts in this draft, and in order to acquire either one, the Chiefs will have to move up, likely into the top six or seven picks. Honestly? We can't afford to do that. The Chiefs still have too many holes to fill to be sacrificing first rounders next year in order to move up this year. We either need to maximize the value at 21, or fall back and acquire more picks.
(Of course, if the NFLPA* ultimately wins in the Eighth Circuit, and collective bargaining ceases to exist, then so does the draft. So maybe trading a 2012 first rounder in a draft that, at this point, is a 50/50 bet to occur, wouldn't be such a bad thing? But anyways).
Since I do not support sacrificing future picks to move up for AJ Green or Julio Jones, I believe at 21, the Chiefs should address their second most glaring, obvious need. And it ain't defensive end, defensive tackle, or the offensive line.
It's quarterback.
I can already hear the boo-birds and the folks lined up with rotten tomatoes, ready to start chucking them at me. "Come on Stevo, we can't p*ss away a first rounder on a project!" Uuh, yes, yes we can. God knows we've p*ssed away many a first rounder on "sure bets" like Ryan Sims and Tyson Jackson. "Come on Stevo, we already have Matt Cassel! He's a good quarterback!" Uuh, yes, yes he is. But he is NOT a franchise quarterback.
I made this point a couple months ago in my season ending thoughts, and I'm gonna make it again. Six years ago, the Chiefs held the 15th pick in the 2005 NFL Draft. The obvious, safe, nobody will question it pick, at that point, was Texas LB Derrick Johnson. The Chiefs had a need at linebacker. The best linebacker in the draft was available. "The Voice of Reason" argued in favor of the Johnson pick for 15 straight minutes ...
While I countered his argument for fifteen straight minutes that the (not) safe, (not) obvious, (definitely) no doubt about it selection was to draft Cal QB Aaron Rodgers. If EVER a franchise quarterback had fallen into our laps, was my argument, it was now. You can always find a serviceable linebacker, either in free agency or via a training camp trade or cast-off signing. What you will NEVER find, via free agency, and RARELY find, via a trade, is a franchise quarterback, a guy you can trot out there every game for a decade and know his presence on the field makes you a contender.
The Chiefs selected Derrick Johnson. To be fair, DJ has had a solid, serviceable career. He was the safe, obvious, no doubt about it, can't miss prospect he was advertised to be. But -- be honest. Would you rather have Derrick Johnson on the roster, or would you rather have Aaron Rodgers under center? If your answer honestly and objectively is "Derrick Johnson, Stevo, that's who I'd want", I suggest you immediately put down the bong, put down the Miller Lite, stop snorting the line, and seek the council of a mental health professional. Immediately. Because you've just proven Steve Rule 34.
You know, Steve Rule 34. "If you ever make a decision, and find that the reaction to said decision is "you'd have to be mentally retarded or named Steve to have done that", just assume you've f*cked up". If you want a defensive end tonight, or an offensive tackle, then please, re-read rule 34. And realize that even the Steve referred to in that rule thinks you'd have to be mentally retarded to go that route.
The pick tonight, the ONLY pick, that makes sense, both from a short-range, mid-range, and long-term view of the franchise, the name that had damned well better be on the card when the Chiefs walk it up to the podium ...
Is Arkansas QB Ryan Mallett.
(hushed, shocked silence).
Yes, Arkansas QB Ryan Mallett.
(more stunned, hushed, "stevo has officially lost his f*cking mind" silence).
One more time. Arkansas. Quarterback. Ryan. Mallett.
For one reason, and one reason only: you CANNOT pass up a potential franchise quarterback when he falls in your lap. Period. Mallett is going to be there at pick 21, thanks to ridiculous rumors about alleged drug use that NOBODY can prove. The kid has been in trouble once in his life -- he got an underage public intoxication charge. I'm here to tell you, if drinking under age disqualifies you from pursuing your chosen career, then pretty much every f*cking person reading this should be drawing unemployment or living in their parents basement broke and destitute right now. I drank under age. Hell, I drank under age in my parent's basement. Amazingly, I never got a public intoxication charge, but God knows I should have on many occasions.
For that, for one night of postgame celebration, you're gonna crucify the kid? I've read the drug rumors. OK, let's concede that he got into weed his first semester at Michigan. Let me get this straight -- an 18 year old, out on his own for the first time, over 1,500 miles from home, not knowing a person on campus, feels homesick, feels lonely, and decides to smoke to cope with it? Crucify the kid! I mean Jesus, that's exactly what I did when I went to TCU. I got homesick and depressed my first semester. I drank and got high to cope with it. (Something I still do 15 years later. Wait, scratch that. It's now 16 years later. Man, I am freaking old.) Lots of people do that, turn to chemicals to deal with depression. It's not even remotely surprising to me that he dabbled with weed. Because again, if smoking weed disqualifies you from pursuing your chosen field of employment, then just about every person reading this should reconsider their lives.
There is NO evidence anywhere that Mallett ever progressed beyond weed, and even if he had, he passed every drug test ever given him in college and at the combine. So he's drug free right now, and has been for at least the last three years. What's the problem here? This isn't Jimmy Smith, the talented CB from Colorado that some team is going to p*ss their first round pick away on. Jimmy Smith, with at least three -- 3!!! -- documented failed drug tests at Colorado, one for codeine. That's a drug addict folks. That's someone with no self control. Yet some team is going to willingly risk millions of dollars on a kid who time and time again can't control his urges, while Ryan Mallett slides and has ridiculous rumors that not one godd*mned person can prove flying around about him. It's beyond outrageous. It's grouse. It's criminite in nature.
Here's what I see when I look at Ryan Mallett. I see a guy who, when graded by Football Outsiders, threw 21 passes last season of 40 or more yards. 17 of them were accurately thrown. 17 of 21 deep balls were direct hits into his receivers hands. That's insane. Do you think Matt Cassel can go 17/21 against a SEC-level defense on balls going 40 plus yards deep? Hell no he can't! Some team is going to pick Jake Locker, a nice kid, a decent prospect, ahead of Ryan Mallett. Locker completed 54% of his throws in his collegiate career. 54%! He also posted two losing records in his three seasons as a starter, and his one winning record, this past season? He went 7-6. To put it mildly, that's not franchise level good. That doesn't project into a big-time winner at the next level. Yet some team is going to pick him ahead of Ryan Mallett. I swear, I could be a NFL GM. I'm smarter than half of them. I know I am as intoxicated as some of them appear to constantly be.
I see a kid in Mallett who took Arkansas from 5-7 (the season he transferred, and had to sit out) ... to 8-5 and the Liberty Bowl, and 10-3 and the Sugar Bowl. Arkansas. Who happens to play in the best conference in college football (The SEC, which has won the last five national championships, and six of the last nine, by four different schools). Think about that -- in a twelve team conference, four of them (Alabama, Auburn, Florida, LSU) have won the national title in the last five years. Since the advent of the BCS, five SEC schools have won it all (Tennessee as well, in 1998), and a sixth school (Georgia) routinely plays in BCS bowls (four in the last seven years). Meaning half the damned conference is top ten caliber every freaking season. Against that, to say nothing of perennial bowlers South Carolina, Kentucky, and Ole Miss, against that level of competition, Mallett took a decent but not great Arkansas team to 18 wins (versus 8 losses) and a BCS bowl in two years. That's what I see when I see Ryan Mallett -- he's a winner, against the highest level of competition college football has to offer.
Other rumors are that he routinely criticizes his teammates. To which I say, so? I would hope he b*tches out poor play! If you aren't carrying your weight, you should expect to have your ass chewed out. I want a quarterback who does that. It shouldn't fall on the coaches to tell someone he sucks ass today. Let the leader of your team do it.
You know who doesn't b*tch about Mallett's criticisms or outbursts or attitude? His coaches and his teammates. Google search it. You can't find a single teammate with anything negative to say about anything affiliated with Ryan Mallett, save for making fun of his lack of speed. (Which no offense, but Matt Cassel isn't exactly Bo Jackson in our backfield either. And the next time alleged all time great peyton manning (now 10-11 in the postseason!!!) scrambles for a 20 yard gain, will be the first. I don't care if a QB can scramble. I care if he can throw. Mallett can flat out throw the freaking football. Don't believe me? Keep reading).
Here are Mallett's stats from his two seasons at Arkansas (source: ESPN Insider):
26 games, 26 starts.
18-8 record (11-5 SEC).
491/814 (60.3%) passing, for 7,464 yards.
62 TD / 19 INT.
I'm just gonna flat out ask this -- does any Chiefs fan reading this think there's even a remote shot in hell that over a 26 game stretch, that Matt Cassel would complete 60 percent of his passes, for over 7,000 yards, with a 4/1 TD / INT ratio? I will grant you, the college game's rules encourage more offense, more scoring, because the clock stops so often. So let's just drop that a little bit -- does any Chiefs fan reading this think there's even a remote shot in the seventh layer of hell that over a 26 game stretch, Matt Cassel would complete 55% of his passes, for over 5,500 yards, with a 3/1 TD / INT ratio? I can see (1) and (3), but there's no way he's getting (2). Mallett not only can attain those goals, he already has surpassed them!
Look it, I like Matt Cassel. He's a decent quarterback who's good enough to get you to 10 wins and a playoff berth. Which is what's wrong with him. Because Matt Cassel is every damned quarterback this team has had the last 25 years. Good enough to get you into the playoffs (Bill Kenney, Steve DeBerg, Dave Kreig, an old Joe Montana, Steve Bono, Elvis Grbac, dick gannon, Trent Green, Damon Huard, Matt Cassel). All those guys led the Chiefs to a playoff berth. All of them are serviceable, decent NFL quarterbacks. NONE of them was a "franchise quarterback", including gannon. (No, dick gannon is NOT a franchise QB. Someone who is cut by four teams before getting it, is not a franchise QB. Ditto someone who becomes an entrenched starter for the first time at age 35. You can't bulid long-term around that. Which stupidly, the raiders tried to do. That's why they're the raiders, God hate their heinous demon-indwelt hearts).
For years, when I was asked the question "Stevo, what would you rather have, the 1990s Chiefs (9 winning seasons, 7 postseason berths, 3 division championships, 1 AFC Title game appearance, 0 Super Bowls) or the 1990s Rams (1 winning season, 1 division title, 1 NFC Title game appearance, 1 Super Bowl)"? And for years, and years, and years, my answer always, without a moment of hesitation, was "1990s Chiefs". Because let's be honest -- if you were a Rams fan, a die hard Rams fan, the 1990s were nine years of awful. 9 straight 10 loss seasons, your team moves halfway across the country, they keep hiring decrepit old coaches that bomb out on the field (John Robinson, Chuck Knox, Rich Brooks, Dick Vermeil). And entering the final season of the 1990s, you're starting a grocery store stock boy under center.
What I never accounted for ... was that at some point, you get f*cking sick and tired of being good enough to contend, but never good enough to be on top at the end of the year. I'm at that point now. I'm sick and tired of shelling out $2,000 plus dollars a year to watch a 10 win team get boatraced in the wildcard round. I want a championship. I want to collapse in my beloved seat (132, 26, 14) as the clock strikes triple zeros of the AFC Championship game, and just begin crying. Not little tears of joy, I mean full on sobs, as the Chiefs accept Lamar's Trophy and reach a Super Bowl. I want that. Desperately. I want to be that guy every person walking by is making fun of because I can't stop crying at my team reaching a Super Bowl. I want to be that guy who gets laughed at, mocked, ridiculed on the walk out as the tears are still streaming down my face ...
Because I know every legitimate die-hard fan is gonna be crying right along with me. The only way those tears of joy are ever gonna come, is by drafting, grooming, and starting a franchise quarterback under center. Matt Cassel is NOT a franchise quarterback. He's a solid option, but you're not winning a Super Bowl with him. He's Matt Hasselbeck, he's Carson Palmer, he's Jay Cutler, he's David Garrard. You can absolutely win 10-11 games, a division title, and maybe a game in the wildcard round with Matt Cassel under center. But you sure as all hell aren't going on the road in round two, to Indy or New England or Pittsburgh or Baltimore or San Diego or even the swamps of North Jersey, and beating them on the road with Matt Cassel under center, I know that for sure. (Well, ok, maybe at San Diego, you always have to account for Norv Turner.)
Thursday night, for the first time since 2005, the best quarterback in the draft, the player that I believe is the ONLY potential franchise quarterback in this draft, is going to fall into the Chiefs lap. We failed to pull the trigger in 2005, and you can argue it's the single biggest mistake of the Carl Peterson era. You can legitimately argue it's the single biggest draft day blunder the Chiefs have made in the last 25 years, and God knows we've had some epic whiffs in the first round. But letting a Super Bowl winning franchise quarterback slide past you because you value a non-franchise position need more? That's insanity. That's why Carl Peterson is unemployed.
Thursday night, Ryan Mallett is going to be there at 21. The Chiefs have a need at defensive end and on the offensive line. Both non-franchise positions. The simple bitter truth is that you cannot win a championship in the NFL unless you have a franchise quarterback under center. Currently in this league, I count 10 guys I would call "franchise quarterbacks" -- Tom Brady, Ben Roethlisberger, Joe Flacco, Peyton Manning, Philip Rivers, Tony Romo, Eli Manning, Aaron Rodgers, Drew Brees, Matt Ryan). There's three more guys who are damned close to that status (Mark Sanchez, Sam Bradford, Josh Freeman). That's it. Your Super Bowl champion every year for the near future is coming from one of those thirteen quarterbacks, you can bet every damned thing you own on that. And you know what else these guys have in common? 10 of the 13 were first round picks. Drew Brees was the first pick of the second round. Only Tony Romo and Tom Brady were not first round, top of the board quarterbacks entering this league.
The model is there. You win a championship in this league by drafting and investing in a franchise quarterback in round one. It's been that way for years. The last non-franchise QB to win a Super Bowl was Brad Johnson in Tampa Bay. Since then, only the best of the best have led their teams to victory:
2003: Tom Brady over Jake Delhomme
2004: Tom Brady over Donovan McNabb
2005: Ben Roethlisberger over Matt Hasselbeck
2006: Peyton Manning over Rex Grossman
2007: Eli Manning over Tom Brady
2008: Ben Roethlisberger over Kurt Warner
2009: Drew Brees over Peyton Manning
2010: Aaron Rodgers over Ben Roethlisberger
There is one potential franchise quarterback in this draft. Ryan Mallett. His stock has somehow plunged amidst rumors of off-the-field behavior. Meanwhile, a man who got booted from Florida for (depending on who you believe) cheating on a test or stealing a laptop, a man who played for three colleges in three years, and who took $180,000 to arrive at his last location, he's going number one. To say nothing of the fact that Cam Newton hasn't taken one snap in a pro offense, while Ryan Mallett's entire collegiate career, both at Michigan and at Arkansas, was spent in the West Coast / pro style offense.
(The biggest shocker in the Cam Newton mess? Urban Meyer actually punishing one of his players! Attaboy UM! 1 of the 31 players arrested on your 5 year watch was booted! Yay! Jesus, the NCAA is such a f*cking joke, they are a total and complete joke. If Florida football under Urban Meyer is not the absolute textbook definition of "lack of institutional control", then the rule has no reason to exist, and neither does the NCAA. Enforce the f*cking rules on your books guys. Maybe then you won't be a national disgrace. Anyways, back to the point of this post, assuming I can remember what the hell it is ...)
Do it Scott Pioli. Draft Ryan Mallett tonight. Gabe Carimi is a nice prospect. But he's not the difference between making the playoffs and winning a championship. Jordan Reed is a rock solid prospect. Ditto Phil Taylor. Neither one of those guys is going to be the difference maker for you to win a championship. And to be fair, Ryan Mallett may be an incredible bust on par with Todd Blackledge. But I know this -- if he does blossom, and is a success, like I believe he's going to be, you HAVE to draft him tonight. You HAVE to. And it shouldn't take more than 4 seconds to write his name on the card and send it to the stage.
Remember 2005, Scott. Would you rather have Derrick Johnson six years in, or Aaron Rodgers six years in? Please, don't screw the pooch like Carl did six years ago. Take the franchise quarterback. And for the love of God, don't make me have to invoke Steve Rule 34 when the pick is announced tonight ...
Thursday, April 21, 2011
ai top 7: beyond awful
Turn up the lights, crank the surround sound, it’s American Idol Top 7 night!!!
Singing “Songs of the 2000s”. If ANY week so far this year promised a train wreck of Biblical proportions, this one has to be it.
Let’s do this.
But before we do, here’s how I rate the contestants remaining, from “Vote This Person Home Immediately” to “I Wanna See Streamers Flying at the Nokia Theater in Six Weeks When This Person Wins!” status.
7. Casey.
6. Haley.
5. Scotty.
4. Jacob.
3. Lauren.
2. James.
1. Stefano.
I am fully aware Stefano has no shot at winning this thing. I am also fully aware he’s probably going home tonight, regardless of how he performed in this recap coming up. But he’s still my rooster / puppy / pony / rubber chicken in this competition. Loved him in the Top 24, and sticking with him now. Which means there’s at least one non “13 to 16 year old girl” that digs this guy.
We lead tonight’s proceedings off with Scotty McCreery, doing LeAnn Rimes’ cover of (I think) John Anderson’s “Swingin”. God bless it. I f*cking hate this song. Let’s hope this isn’t as excruciating as I fear it will be.
(Oh, and your “timely” recap today courtesy of “end of bowling league last night”!!! Thanks to Tanner’s, AMF College Lanes, and my genes for getting me so smashed that I had to do the drunk dial to the boss this morning. You guys are the best! And to think, this isn’t even the drunkest night of the week, still got the lovely DJ / KJ reception tomorrow. Again, you guys are the best!!! (steve’s liver voice) the hell they are …)
* What the hell is up with Scotty holding the mic? He’s treating it like a, uuh, phallic symbol. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Having said that, this is TURRIBLE. He drops an octave in verse two, and that actually makes this worse. Not sure why he sat down at the front of the stage either. And the eye raise at the end? (brian griffin voice) what the hell? I’m sure the judges will fellate this, but that was horrendous.
Steven compares it to the Rolling Stones, and wants him to sashay a little more. Christ. JLo loves his story telling quality, but wants him to pull out the big guns and push past his comfort zone. Her way of saying “you done f*cked up champ”. Randy … agrees with JLo. Wants to know who’s “in it to win it”. Good God. Says “I love you” but calls it “boring”. I’m guessing Scotty might hit bottom three tonight after that review and performance.
Next up: James, doing “Uprising” by Muse. Gotta admit, this has potential. Great song, great band, great performer. (Which usually equals “epic train wreck” on this show).
* Loved the walkout with the drummers. Although his vocals through 20 seconds come nowhere close to echoing Muse’s lead’s vocals. I think his name is Matt Bellamy. Not gonna Google it, but that sounds right. Anyways, underwhelming as we hit the chorus.
And the chorus isn’t impressive either … and now he’s letting it go entering verse two. This is much better. Much better.
Uum, take that back. What the f*ck was THAT?!?! I’d call it a screech, but I don’t want to insult Dustin Diamond. Good Lord, that was horrendous. Absolutely horrendous, in a “this might be your shock elimination number two of the season tonight” kind of way.
And JLo having an orgasm over it. I think she’d sleep with Screech. Just a guess. JLo calls it “theatrically the best performance of the night”, “really amazing”, “wow”, and “that’s the highest we’ve ever heard you sing”. Randy describes it better and calls it “crazy”. I’d go with “gut wrenchingly awful”, but that’s just me. And I like this guy, I really do. Once my puppy / pony / rooster / rubber chicken is eliminated, I’m fully on Team James. But that was TURRIBLE. Randy says he “slayed it”. Yup, with a knife, in the conservatory. Not sure if it was Professor Plum or Colonel Mustard. Steven: “you’d be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap” after advising James to “stay out of my closet”. Jesus I love this show. It’s the gift that keeps on giving.
Next up: Haley, covering Adele’s “Rolling In The Deep”. Now THIS has potential. In a “now performing on the main stage, Haley, and on the second stage, Breezy. Remember gentleman and ladies, it’s just a buck to let these ladies know how well they’re performing, so what the f*ck! It’s just a buck!” I am long overdue to hit up the “Outback” for a “steak” …
(Which reminds me: two moments last night that won’t be erased from the memory soon. OK, actually three of them. First, when they’re handing out our cash rewards at bowling league last night, DJ drops the “don’t blow it all at the strip club!” blast to Kim, the really awesome lady on another team who is into chicks. Brought the house down. And yes, I absolutely would hit up the “Outback” with Kim, and her life partner Shelly. I think it’d be sweet. Then again, as I pointed out, DJ once bartered “party favors” for “steaks” at that joint … wait, probably shouldn’t use the word “joint” if I’m going for the “figure it out on your own” quotations … anyways, considering he once did that … yeah, not sure where the f*ck I’m going with this, other than I absolutely would hit up the “Outback” with Kim and her partner.
Second, we’ve got this one guy in our league, who if you look up the word “tool” in the dictionary, his picture would be next to it. Rhymes with “Kyle”. Oh wait, that’s his name, forget the “rhymes with” part of that. Anyways, he over-reacts to every shot even worse than I do. So we’re in game three, and by now, we’ve had almost 90 straight minutes of making fun of this guy, when he somehow completely botches his first ball (he’s the only scratch bowler in our league), and then his second ball as well. A couple of completely priceless reactions. So Dusty is up next … and completely mimicks the dude’s movements from his previous frame. Right down to the last second ass twist, trying to get the ball to turn. Brought the house down. It took me a full minute to recover from laughing enough just to grab my ball. So of course, being the “tool” that I am, I attempt to mimick it too. Apparently, it works, because I look back after raising my arms in the touchdown formation, and see DJ and Katie laughing their asses off. Proud of myself, I head back … only to hear “nice throw Skyle!” Now THAT brought the house down. The lesson? I don’t have one. Other than if you can’t laugh at yourself, be prepared for everyone else laughing at you. I know that’s a Steve Rule, just not sure which number it is.
Finally … “deadbeat ex roomie” informed the world on Facebook last night that he became a father for (possibly) the first time last night. Fitting, in that (a) if there’s any person in this world less qualified to be a provider figure for someone that me, it’s him, and (b) born on 420. Perfectly appropriate. That guy stole more from the stash without replacing it than anyone I know. Here’s to hoping the state intervenes and gives this kid a fighting chance.
OK, on to Haley:
* Aw, Jimmy Iovine gets the gratuitous hug. And good f*cking God, is Haley hot tonight or what? Yo, yo, yo dog!!! I’m not joking – is that dress even attached to her upper body? Christ I hope not. And I am dead on accurate! There is no strap holding the upper half of the dress on there! Come on wardrobe malfunction, come on. (dj voice) come on. Everybody’s doing it. Come on …
Sadly, no malfunction … but incredibly, this is a really good performance. She’s spot on nailing the vocals. Good God, can she win this thing? Really? Is America really ready to crown a future Vivid Girl as it’s next Idol? (Let’s hope so).
Upon review, there is a strap holding the dress up. Damn. For sh*ts and giggles, I’m going with “floatation devices” holding the thing in place though.
The audience ate this up. As did I. That was phenomenally good. Randy called it the “perfect direction for you”. Could not agree more, you can absolutely generate a four minute tease out of that song. Steven “(America) likes that feeling, and you got that”. JLo making no sense whatsoever, but hey, we love ya girl.
Next up: Jacob, covering Luther Vandross. Unless this is “One Shining Moment”, I’m gonna boo and possibly toss an empty beer bottle in the general direction of my television.
* Are you effing kidding me? The dude who’s only here because some liberal judge (hooray!) allowed him to bond out of jail, is invoking the dead dad card? For crying out loud. Not even I’m that sleazy. Well, ok, because (hooray!) my dad is somehow still with us. But for crying out loud, invoking the dead parent card? Really? No, really? Really?
And the fake tears to open the song? Wow. That’s a new low for anyone.
The name of this song is “Dance With My Father”. Uuh … really? I can’t dance worth a damn, even though I’ll engage in a few tomorrow night at the reception, but I’m pretty sure dancing with some dude’s father is not on my “must dance with” list.
If Jacob doesn’t go home tonight, it’s only because my pony / puppy / rooster / rubber chicken is gonzo.
Steven calls him “Luther Lusk”. Calls it a “beautiful thing”. JLo says “it’s hard to perform when a song means that much to you”. Randy … f*ck it, we’re moving on.
Next up: Casey covering Maroon 5. This is either gonna bring the house down, or be beyond awful.
* I know Blake covered “This Love” and “She Will Be Loved” in season six, but that’s the only times I can recall Maroon 5 being covered on this show. And to open, it’s not bad. He’s kept it low key so far, which is good. And he didn’t drop the f bomb in the “f*ck it, I’m walking on” part. Damn. (florida evans voice) damn, damn, damn!
Why does he have a guitar if he’s not gonna use it? This just really isn’t all that good. And he just botched the lyrics in the chorus. You’re damned right it’s getting harder and harder to breathe. Especially listening to this abortion of a performance. You sir, are no Blake Lewis. You can’t get away with that scatter lyrics deal in the middle of a song. Nice try. Let’s hope the judges crucify this. Doubt they will, but that was no bueno.
JLo looks satisfied. Yikes. She screams “Casey! Casey!” Glad he made your dreams come true, girl. Good grief, that was NOT a good performance, and these judges are creaming over it. Unreal. JLo says “Casey’s not playing fair … he’s got soft lips”. Steven: “you did what I’ve been trying to do for four months”. JLo: “I love it … (pause) … the performance! The performance!” Again, I love this show. And yes! Steven drops the f bomb! YES! Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes! Steven Tyler drops the f bomb on live television!!!!! Unreal.
Next up: my puppy / pony / rooster / rubber chicken in this competition, Stefano, covering one of my top 20 favorite songs of all time, “Closer” by Ne-Yo. Gotta be honest – I hold out no hope for this. I fear … no, I believe, it’s gonna be his time to go. But until he does, he’s still got my support.
* And this intro piece on Stefano is making me question my own sexuality. I’m rooting for this guy? Really? No, really? (Yes, really. God I’m a tool). When your fellow contestants are mocking your self confidence, take it as a sign that you’re too full of yourself champ.
Whoa! And Jimmy Iovine drops a “f*ck that! Forget that sh*t!” blast during his rehearsal! Oy, this is not going to end well.
Or is it?
Also loved Jacob noting “Stefano would flirt with a piece of paper if he thought it had estrogen in it”. So the guy’s a playa. (hannibal smith voice) Nice BA. Nice!
(Side note: I sent out an email reply yesterday to a proposed trip to denver for the Chiefs game on New Year’s Day, and included the (ba baracus voice) I ain’t flyin’ Hannibal! i ain’t flyin’! reply. DJ had to explain I was using an A-Team reference to half – half! – the recipients of said email! Am I really that old, that people in their 20s have no f*cking clue who BA Baracus and Hannibal Smith are?!?! I refuse to live in a world where that is the case. Moving on).
Jimmy: “Great looking guys don’t plead for girls”. Maybe that’s why I can’t get any, I’m too busy “pleading” instead of just “presenting”.
And here we go. Hang on, grabbing a Shiner really quick to properly enjoy this with.
He keeps spreading his legs. Unless you’ve got a healthy eight inches in there, no need to do that dude. And as we hit the chorus, this is worse than Asshat Archuleta covering Chris Brown’s “With You” three years ago, and I rated that as “worst Idol performance ever”. And what’s up with his hand movements? Is he reaching? Groping? Imagining?
He’s sung exactly five notes since he hit the chorus. This … sorry champ, I fear that rubber chicken just got tossed up on the roof and ain’t sliding back down. (zeus voice) Bark! Bark! (pause at realizing chicken ain’t coming down) Bark!
I refuse to listen to the judges comments. If he’s going down, he’s going down without me completely tearing him a new one.
Last up: Lauren covering Sara Evans. Wait, I thought she was the chick doing the horrific SoapNet commercials I have to wade through every Saturday morning as I catch up on “One Tree Hill”? She’s a singer too? Not just a corporate shill for “General Hospital”?!?! Suh-weet!
(And spare me the “SoapNet? Really?” smart ass comebacks. Two words: Sophia. Bush. Hot as f*cking hell. Ditto Hilarie Burton, who tragically is no longer on the show).
* And we’re off, with a banjo-esque opening. Oy vey. Or more appropriately, chinga tu madre! Not a fan so far. Then again, the vocal is solid. Way too countryish for me, but if you’re gonna do country, this is the way to go – find a smoking hot chick in a short skirt who likes to jump up and down and let her sing. Steve approved.
Final thoughts: Bottom three will be Jacob, Stefano, and Casey. All three were levels of epically awful tonight. I hope Casey gets the boot. I fear it’s Stefano. I’m betting it’s Jacob.
Singing “Songs of the 2000s”. If ANY week so far this year promised a train wreck of Biblical proportions, this one has to be it.
Let’s do this.
But before we do, here’s how I rate the contestants remaining, from “Vote This Person Home Immediately” to “I Wanna See Streamers Flying at the Nokia Theater in Six Weeks When This Person Wins!” status.
7. Casey.
6. Haley.
5. Scotty.
4. Jacob.
3. Lauren.
2. James.
1. Stefano.
I am fully aware Stefano has no shot at winning this thing. I am also fully aware he’s probably going home tonight, regardless of how he performed in this recap coming up. But he’s still my rooster / puppy / pony / rubber chicken in this competition. Loved him in the Top 24, and sticking with him now. Which means there’s at least one non “13 to 16 year old girl” that digs this guy.
We lead tonight’s proceedings off with Scotty McCreery, doing LeAnn Rimes’ cover of (I think) John Anderson’s “Swingin”. God bless it. I f*cking hate this song. Let’s hope this isn’t as excruciating as I fear it will be.
(Oh, and your “timely” recap today courtesy of “end of bowling league last night”!!! Thanks to Tanner’s, AMF College Lanes, and my genes for getting me so smashed that I had to do the drunk dial to the boss this morning. You guys are the best! And to think, this isn’t even the drunkest night of the week, still got the lovely DJ / KJ reception tomorrow. Again, you guys are the best!!! (steve’s liver voice) the hell they are …)
* What the hell is up with Scotty holding the mic? He’s treating it like a, uuh, phallic symbol. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Having said that, this is TURRIBLE. He drops an octave in verse two, and that actually makes this worse. Not sure why he sat down at the front of the stage either. And the eye raise at the end? (brian griffin voice) what the hell? I’m sure the judges will fellate this, but that was horrendous.
Steven compares it to the Rolling Stones, and wants him to sashay a little more. Christ. JLo loves his story telling quality, but wants him to pull out the big guns and push past his comfort zone. Her way of saying “you done f*cked up champ”. Randy … agrees with JLo. Wants to know who’s “in it to win it”. Good God. Says “I love you” but calls it “boring”. I’m guessing Scotty might hit bottom three tonight after that review and performance.
Next up: James, doing “Uprising” by Muse. Gotta admit, this has potential. Great song, great band, great performer. (Which usually equals “epic train wreck” on this show).
* Loved the walkout with the drummers. Although his vocals through 20 seconds come nowhere close to echoing Muse’s lead’s vocals. I think his name is Matt Bellamy. Not gonna Google it, but that sounds right. Anyways, underwhelming as we hit the chorus.
And the chorus isn’t impressive either … and now he’s letting it go entering verse two. This is much better. Much better.
Uum, take that back. What the f*ck was THAT?!?! I’d call it a screech, but I don’t want to insult Dustin Diamond. Good Lord, that was horrendous. Absolutely horrendous, in a “this might be your shock elimination number two of the season tonight” kind of way.
And JLo having an orgasm over it. I think she’d sleep with Screech. Just a guess. JLo calls it “theatrically the best performance of the night”, “really amazing”, “wow”, and “that’s the highest we’ve ever heard you sing”. Randy describes it better and calls it “crazy”. I’d go with “gut wrenchingly awful”, but that’s just me. And I like this guy, I really do. Once my puppy / pony / rooster / rubber chicken is eliminated, I’m fully on Team James. But that was TURRIBLE. Randy says he “slayed it”. Yup, with a knife, in the conservatory. Not sure if it was Professor Plum or Colonel Mustard. Steven: “you’d be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap” after advising James to “stay out of my closet”. Jesus I love this show. It’s the gift that keeps on giving.
Next up: Haley, covering Adele’s “Rolling In The Deep”. Now THIS has potential. In a “now performing on the main stage, Haley, and on the second stage, Breezy. Remember gentleman and ladies, it’s just a buck to let these ladies know how well they’re performing, so what the f*ck! It’s just a buck!” I am long overdue to hit up the “Outback” for a “steak” …
(Which reminds me: two moments last night that won’t be erased from the memory soon. OK, actually three of them. First, when they’re handing out our cash rewards at bowling league last night, DJ drops the “don’t blow it all at the strip club!” blast to Kim, the really awesome lady on another team who is into chicks. Brought the house down. And yes, I absolutely would hit up the “Outback” with Kim, and her life partner Shelly. I think it’d be sweet. Then again, as I pointed out, DJ once bartered “party favors” for “steaks” at that joint … wait, probably shouldn’t use the word “joint” if I’m going for the “figure it out on your own” quotations … anyways, considering he once did that … yeah, not sure where the f*ck I’m going with this, other than I absolutely would hit up the “Outback” with Kim and her partner.
Second, we’ve got this one guy in our league, who if you look up the word “tool” in the dictionary, his picture would be next to it. Rhymes with “Kyle”. Oh wait, that’s his name, forget the “rhymes with” part of that. Anyways, he over-reacts to every shot even worse than I do. So we’re in game three, and by now, we’ve had almost 90 straight minutes of making fun of this guy, when he somehow completely botches his first ball (he’s the only scratch bowler in our league), and then his second ball as well. A couple of completely priceless reactions. So Dusty is up next … and completely mimicks the dude’s movements from his previous frame. Right down to the last second ass twist, trying to get the ball to turn. Brought the house down. It took me a full minute to recover from laughing enough just to grab my ball. So of course, being the “tool” that I am, I attempt to mimick it too. Apparently, it works, because I look back after raising my arms in the touchdown formation, and see DJ and Katie laughing their asses off. Proud of myself, I head back … only to hear “nice throw Skyle!” Now THAT brought the house down. The lesson? I don’t have one. Other than if you can’t laugh at yourself, be prepared for everyone else laughing at you. I know that’s a Steve Rule, just not sure which number it is.
Finally … “deadbeat ex roomie” informed the world on Facebook last night that he became a father for (possibly) the first time last night. Fitting, in that (a) if there’s any person in this world less qualified to be a provider figure for someone that me, it’s him, and (b) born on 420. Perfectly appropriate. That guy stole more from the stash without replacing it than anyone I know. Here’s to hoping the state intervenes and gives this kid a fighting chance.
OK, on to Haley:
* Aw, Jimmy Iovine gets the gratuitous hug. And good f*cking God, is Haley hot tonight or what? Yo, yo, yo dog!!! I’m not joking – is that dress even attached to her upper body? Christ I hope not. And I am dead on accurate! There is no strap holding the upper half of the dress on there! Come on wardrobe malfunction, come on. (dj voice) come on. Everybody’s doing it. Come on …
Sadly, no malfunction … but incredibly, this is a really good performance. She’s spot on nailing the vocals. Good God, can she win this thing? Really? Is America really ready to crown a future Vivid Girl as it’s next Idol? (Let’s hope so).
Upon review, there is a strap holding the dress up. Damn. For sh*ts and giggles, I’m going with “floatation devices” holding the thing in place though.
The audience ate this up. As did I. That was phenomenally good. Randy called it the “perfect direction for you”. Could not agree more, you can absolutely generate a four minute tease out of that song. Steven “(America) likes that feeling, and you got that”. JLo making no sense whatsoever, but hey, we love ya girl.
Next up: Jacob, covering Luther Vandross. Unless this is “One Shining Moment”, I’m gonna boo and possibly toss an empty beer bottle in the general direction of my television.
* Are you effing kidding me? The dude who’s only here because some liberal judge (hooray!) allowed him to bond out of jail, is invoking the dead dad card? For crying out loud. Not even I’m that sleazy. Well, ok, because (hooray!) my dad is somehow still with us. But for crying out loud, invoking the dead parent card? Really? No, really? Really?
And the fake tears to open the song? Wow. That’s a new low for anyone.
The name of this song is “Dance With My Father”. Uuh … really? I can’t dance worth a damn, even though I’ll engage in a few tomorrow night at the reception, but I’m pretty sure dancing with some dude’s father is not on my “must dance with” list.
If Jacob doesn’t go home tonight, it’s only because my pony / puppy / rooster / rubber chicken is gonzo.
Steven calls him “Luther Lusk”. Calls it a “beautiful thing”. JLo says “it’s hard to perform when a song means that much to you”. Randy … f*ck it, we’re moving on.
Next up: Casey covering Maroon 5. This is either gonna bring the house down, or be beyond awful.
* I know Blake covered “This Love” and “She Will Be Loved” in season six, but that’s the only times I can recall Maroon 5 being covered on this show. And to open, it’s not bad. He’s kept it low key so far, which is good. And he didn’t drop the f bomb in the “f*ck it, I’m walking on” part. Damn. (florida evans voice) damn, damn, damn!
Why does he have a guitar if he’s not gonna use it? This just really isn’t all that good. And he just botched the lyrics in the chorus. You’re damned right it’s getting harder and harder to breathe. Especially listening to this abortion of a performance. You sir, are no Blake Lewis. You can’t get away with that scatter lyrics deal in the middle of a song. Nice try. Let’s hope the judges crucify this. Doubt they will, but that was no bueno.
JLo looks satisfied. Yikes. She screams “Casey! Casey!” Glad he made your dreams come true, girl. Good grief, that was NOT a good performance, and these judges are creaming over it. Unreal. JLo says “Casey’s not playing fair … he’s got soft lips”. Steven: “you did what I’ve been trying to do for four months”. JLo: “I love it … (pause) … the performance! The performance!” Again, I love this show. And yes! Steven drops the f bomb! YES! Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes! Steven Tyler drops the f bomb on live television!!!!! Unreal.
Next up: my puppy / pony / rooster / rubber chicken in this competition, Stefano, covering one of my top 20 favorite songs of all time, “Closer” by Ne-Yo. Gotta be honest – I hold out no hope for this. I fear … no, I believe, it’s gonna be his time to go. But until he does, he’s still got my support.
* And this intro piece on Stefano is making me question my own sexuality. I’m rooting for this guy? Really? No, really? (Yes, really. God I’m a tool). When your fellow contestants are mocking your self confidence, take it as a sign that you’re too full of yourself champ.
Whoa! And Jimmy Iovine drops a “f*ck that! Forget that sh*t!” blast during his rehearsal! Oy, this is not going to end well.
Or is it?
Also loved Jacob noting “Stefano would flirt with a piece of paper if he thought it had estrogen in it”. So the guy’s a playa. (hannibal smith voice) Nice BA. Nice!
(Side note: I sent out an email reply yesterday to a proposed trip to denver for the Chiefs game on New Year’s Day, and included the (ba baracus voice) I ain’t flyin’ Hannibal! i ain’t flyin’! reply. DJ had to explain I was using an A-Team reference to half – half! – the recipients of said email! Am I really that old, that people in their 20s have no f*cking clue who BA Baracus and Hannibal Smith are?!?! I refuse to live in a world where that is the case. Moving on).
Jimmy: “Great looking guys don’t plead for girls”. Maybe that’s why I can’t get any, I’m too busy “pleading” instead of just “presenting”.
And here we go. Hang on, grabbing a Shiner really quick to properly enjoy this with.
He keeps spreading his legs. Unless you’ve got a healthy eight inches in there, no need to do that dude. And as we hit the chorus, this is worse than Asshat Archuleta covering Chris Brown’s “With You” three years ago, and I rated that as “worst Idol performance ever”. And what’s up with his hand movements? Is he reaching? Groping? Imagining?
He’s sung exactly five notes since he hit the chorus. This … sorry champ, I fear that rubber chicken just got tossed up on the roof and ain’t sliding back down. (zeus voice) Bark! Bark! (pause at realizing chicken ain’t coming down) Bark!
I refuse to listen to the judges comments. If he’s going down, he’s going down without me completely tearing him a new one.
Last up: Lauren covering Sara Evans. Wait, I thought she was the chick doing the horrific SoapNet commercials I have to wade through every Saturday morning as I catch up on “One Tree Hill”? She’s a singer too? Not just a corporate shill for “General Hospital”?!?! Suh-weet!
(And spare me the “SoapNet? Really?” smart ass comebacks. Two words: Sophia. Bush. Hot as f*cking hell. Ditto Hilarie Burton, who tragically is no longer on the show).
* And we’re off, with a banjo-esque opening. Oy vey. Or more appropriately, chinga tu madre! Not a fan so far. Then again, the vocal is solid. Way too countryish for me, but if you’re gonna do country, this is the way to go – find a smoking hot chick in a short skirt who likes to jump up and down and let her sing. Steve approved.
Final thoughts: Bottom three will be Jacob, Stefano, and Casey. All three were levels of epically awful tonight. I hope Casey gets the boot. I fear it’s Stefano. I’m betting it’s Jacob.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
initial thoughts on the schedule
We now know the road our favorite NFL team(s) will face to reach Indianapolis in early February. My initial thoughts on the Chiefs, Jets, and overall league schedule week by week:
Week One:
Chiefs: vs Bills (Sun, noon, CBS). Couldn’t ask for a better home opener. Well, I could; it could have been denver in prime time. But still, opening under the bright sunny skies of a (hopefully) still warm late summer day, I can dig it. Plus, if you can’t win this game, in this spot, that’s not a good sign for 2011. Initial Projection: Chiefs 30, Bills 14.
Jets: vs Cowboys (Sun, 7:20pm, NBC). A very intriguing opener. Emotion should be sky high, as it’s the tenth anniversary of 9/11. Curious to see if the Jets can get off to a better start than last year. They need to – just wait until you see weeks three, four, and five … Initial Projection: Jets 23, Cowboys 20 (OT).
Game I’m Most Geeked Up For: Saints at Packers (Thurs, 7:20pm, NBC). PFT made this point when this game leaked, and I couldn’t agree more. The League must be really, really confident this labor p*ssing match won’t last much past early August, because there’s no way in hell you risk losing this game if you think there’s even a slight chance of actual games being postponed. This is gonna be a tremendous season opener. Tremendous. Also on tap week one? Steelers at Ravens, Falcons at Bears, Eagles at Rams, Giants at Redskins. No way the NFL opens with this f*cking solid of a week if they think it won’t be played. Now let’s force the NFLPA* to legitimately bargain, no matter how that happens, via judicial verdict, common sense entering the NFLPA* rank and fire, or hired goons taking out the inept and utterly unlovable demaurice smith (whose name has earned “never capitalize” status. Congrats demaurice, I hate you as much as I hate peyton manning, john elway, and dick gannon. You must be proud.
Worst Game On The Board: Bengals at Browns (Sun, noon, CBS). If Carson Palmer is traded, this might be a 3-2 final. And I’m being generous in assuming one team can muster a field goal.
Sleeper Matchup: Eagles at Rams (Sun, noon, FOX). A very intriguing game with potentially huge wildcard ramifications. Very intriguing.
Week Two:
Chiefs: at Lions (Sun, noon, CBS). Just like last year, we get a very winnable week two roadie. There is absolutely no reason the Chiefs cannot win this game. It won’t be easy. And God knows Gunther Cunningham will have his troops fired up and ready to take on the squad that fired him twice in a decade. But the Chiefs are the better team, and the longer the lockout drags on, the better advantage the established teams will have. Initial Projection: Chiefs 24, Lions 20.
Jets: vs Jaguars (Sun, noon, CBS). The Jets better win this one. The next three are beyond brutal, they’re all on the road, and two are on national television. Initial Projection: Jets 27, Jaguars 13.
Game I’m Most Geeked Up For: Eagles at Falcons (Sun, 7:20pm, NBC). Mike Vick returns to Atlanta. Should be fun. But there’s three other great ones – Chargers at Pats, Bears at Saints, Cowboys at 49ers. Hard to believe Dallas / San Fran has fallen as far as it has.
Worst Game On The Board: Packers at Panthers (Sun, noon, FOX). The NFL record for most points one team has scored in a game is 73. That record might be in jeopardy in Charlotte.
Sleeper Matchup: raiders at Bills (Sun, noon, CBS). Bills are frisky enough to spring the upset. raider nation can’t be pleased with two straight frisky roadies to open the season.
Week Three:
Chiefs: at Chargers (Sun, CBS, 3pm). I’ll put it this way: the plane could fail to take off, the players could spend Saturday night in an adult entertainment establishment in Tijuana, they could be more baked and buzzed than me at a Ben Harper concert … and the Chiefs STILL can’t play worse than they did at San Diego last year. Initial Projection: Chargers 31, Chiefs 16.
Jets: at raiders (Sun, CBS, 3pm). There is no reason both teams shouldn’t be 2-0 entering this contest. The difference being, two raider road wins, and two Jets home wins. The last time the Jets entered the black hole, Mark Sanchez engineered a blowout of epic proportions – so epic that he famously purchased and ate a hot dog from a vendor, the game was that out of hand. That will not be the case this time. Initial Projection: raiders 27, Jets 20.
Matchup I’m Most Geeked Up For: Redskins at Cowboys (Mon, 7:30pm, ESPN). Anytime two NFC East teams line up against each other, it’s appointment television.
Worst Matchup On The Board: Dolphins at Browns (Sun, noon, CBS). Smells like a Criqui / Buerelein broadcast.
Sleeper Matchup: Steelers at Colts (Sun, 7:20pm, NBC). OK, this isn’t a “sleeper” matchup, but should still be fun to watch.
Week Four:
Chiefs: vs Vikings (Sun, noon, FOX). Hey, two very winnable home games to open the schedule, plus a very winnable roadie. I can dig it. Although please, Arrowhead Nation, don’t show up wearing purple 69 jerseys. You can say trading Allen was a bad thing … and you would be dead wrong. I’d much rather have Branden Albert and Jamaal Charles than Jared Allen. And you would too, if you’d be honest with yourself. Initial Projection: Chiefs 34, Vikings 10.
Jets: at Ravens (Sun, 7:20pm, NBC). The Ravens won at the Jets in prime time last year. The Ravens will beat the Jets at home in prime time this year. And if these back-to-back roadies aren’t bad enough, just wait til you see what’s on tap. Initial Projection: Ravens 20, Jets 14.
Matchup I’m Most Geeked Up For: Patriots at raiders (Sun, 3:15pm, CBS). This one should be fun. If the raiders are as legitimate as I fear they are, this should be really fun.
Worst Matchup On The Board: Bills at Bengals (Sun, noon, CBS). Hide the women and children, because tuning in for even 0:01 of this abortion qualifies as wife beating and/or child abuse.
Sleeper Matchup: Saints at Jaguars (Sun, noon, CBS). The last time New Orleans visited Jacksonville, was one of the wildest, most f*cked up finishes in NFL history. The Saints scored on the final play of the game to pull within one via a hook and lateral / constant lateraling down the field. And shanked the extra point that would have tied the game. Doubt this one will be as amazing, but if there’s a chance …
Week Five:
Chiefs: at Colts (Sun, noon, CBS). Gee, Chiefs at Colts, week five. Haven’t seen that one before. Oh wait, we just did last year. This, finally, is the year the “all time great” known as peyton manning finally sees his cap-crippling contract f*ck his team over. Initial Projection: Chiefs 23, Colts 20 (OT).
Jets: at Patriots (Sun, 3:15pm, CBS). Are you freaking kidding me, NFL schedule makers? A three game roadie – at oak, at Bal, and at NE? Really? Are you just that stupid, or do you hate Gang Green that much? Initial Projection: Patriots 74, Jets 3.
Matchup I’m Most Geeked Up For: Bears at Lions (Mon, 7:30pm, ESPN). Yes, I picked Bears at Lions. If you don’t understand why, I’ll give you a few hints. ESPN broadcasts a 90 minute pregame show LIVE from the site of the game. One of the hosts of that LIVE pregame show is the architect of the 2001-2007 Lions that were (arguably) the worst run franchise in NFL history over that timeframe. And did I mention that this guy will be broadcasting LIVE from the scene of the crime? Philly fans might be off the hook by the time 6:30 rolls around. Seriously. If my name was Matt Millen, I’d make damned sure my life insurance policies were all in force and active, and that my personal affairs were in order. And sadly, that isn’t a joke.
Worst Matchup On The Board: Cardinals at Vikings (Sun, noon, FOX). Not even God will tune in to see how his former team is doing. (kurt warner voice) I love you Jesus! Damn, tack another two months in purgatory onto my eventual sentence …
Sleeper Matchup: Bucs at 49ers (Sun, 3pm, FOX). A very, very intriguing matchup with potential huge wildcard ramifications.
Week Six:
Chiefs: bye. The optimist in me has us at 4-1. The realist in me has us at 3-2. The pessimist in me has us at 2-3, facing a very difficult roadie out of the bye, then coming home to “save the season” on a Monday night against the team that “jumpstarted” the season last year. No matter which viewpoint wins out, I can live with it.
Jets: vs Dolphins (Mon, 7:30pm, ESPN). Good freaking God, does the schedule maker hate us or what? Three straight (at best) toss-up or worse roadies, followed by a prime time game against our Achilles heel? Thanks dude. You’re the best. No really, NFL Schedule Dude, you are the mother f*cking best. Initial Projection: Jets 28, Dolphins 27. But there is no way I’d wager even $0.01 on that projection.
Matchup I’m Most Geeked Up For: Saints at Bucs (Sun, 3:15pm, FOX). Gotta be honest folks, this week is a total dud. Save for the sleeper matchup.
Worst Matchup On The Board: Browns at raiders (Sun, 3pm, CBS). Smells like a 55-3 yawner.
Sleeper Matchup: Cowboys at Patriots (Sun, 3:15pm, FOX). Sleeper in that who the hell knows if Dallas shows up. If they do, this might match their last two epic showdowns (an OT Pats win at Foxboro in 2003, and a 49-38 Pats win in Dallas during the unbeaten regular season).
Week Seven:
Chiefs: at raiders (Sun, 3pm, CBS). The good news is that the Chiefs have won 7 of their last 8 to the raiders, and the only loss was on a “1 in a million” catch by jacoby ford in overtime last year. The bad news is that the first 7 wins were against raiders teams that all lost at least 11 games, and the loss was against a rising power that will only be better this season. Initial Projection: raiders 23, Chiefs 20 (OT).
Jets: vs Chargers (Sun, noon, CBS). The hits keep coming. Last time the Chargers played in New York, LaDainian Tomlinson dropped 200 yards on the Jets in an overtime victory. Let’s hope he repays his former team with a 175 spot. Initial Projection: Jets 31, Chargers 20.
Matchup I’m Most Geeked Up For: Colts at Saints (Sun, 7:20pm, NBC). A rematch of a tremendous Super Bowl. Alleged “all time great” peyton manning returns to his hometown. Hopefully he emerges with a concussion and/or life threatening injuries.
Worst Matchup On The Board: Seahawks at Browns (Sun, noon, FOX). The Seneca Wallace Bowl! And not even his folks will be tuned in to watch this mess.
Sleeper Matchup: Steelers at Cardinals (Sun, 3pm, CBS). Another Super Bowl classic rematch.
Week Eight:
Chiefs: vs Chargers (Mon, 7:30pm, ESPN). The Chiefs have hosted the Chargers in prime time three times. The first was in 1982, when in late December in front of a virtually empty stadium, soon-to-be-sh*t-canned Marv Levy, in below freezing conditions, offered one of my favorite sarcastic quips of all time. As the cameras were on him, and you could literally see his breath freezing as it came out of him, he dropped a “where would you rather be than right here, right now!” pep talk on his team. High comedy. The third time was last year, a goalline stand classic that jumpstarted the season. The middle occasion? Featured my favorite Chiefs play of all time, and had me in tears for nearly twenty minutes afterwards. And I don’t mean “it’s a little dusty in here” tears, I mean full on sobs. Let’s just say, whatever happens, this one promises to be special. Initial Projection: Chiefs 26, Chargers 20.
Jets: bye. I have them 4-3 because I overvalue home field … but they easily could be this year’s Cowboys and collapse to 1-6 given the schedule.
Game I’m Most Geeked Up For: other than prime time at Arrowhead on Halloween night? Uuh … Pats at Steelers (Sun, 3:15pm, CBS). Potential AFC Championship preview?
Worst Matchup On The Board: Lions at broncos (Sun, 3pm, FOX). I’m gonna go out on a limb and guess that not even the lovely KJ is gonna sit through this debacle.
Sleeper Matchup: Jaguars at Texans (Sun, noon, CBS). Could be for final wildcard position?
Week Nine:
Chiefs: vs Dolphins (Sun, noon, CBS). I have missed exactly one regular season game in the last ten years – the season finale against Miami in 2008, when it was -7 at kickoff and the Chiefs were 2-12. I have a family wedding in Miami (ironically enough) at 5:30pm ET on Saturday of this week. So the question is … do I skip the reception and catch the last flight out on Saturday … or wake up at 4am and catch the first flight out on Sunday? And yes, I am going to fly to this bad boy, despite my having a greater fear of flying than John Madden. I am proud to say I haven’t stepped foot on an airplance since January of 2006. I hate flying with a passion. But if that’s how I make kickoff, then it’s how I roll. Initial Projection: I catch a 6:05am ET flight out on Sunday, because let’s be honest, I am NOT passing up an open bar on a freaking beach in November. Dream on. I’m just hoping I remember a shirt for the ceremony at this point, I mean, Miami in November!!! My kind of town!!! I land at KCI about 10:15am KC time, bribe Donnie to expedite my baggage, receive two speeding tickets on the way to Arrowhead … and arrive in my seat just time time to b*tch about the waste of taxpayer dollars known as a flyover. Oh, and Chiefs 34, Dolphins 3.
Jets: at Bills (Sun, noon, CBS). Great, potentially 1-6 and headed to our house of horrors. Here’s a hint: don’t take the Jets at 12:1 this fall. Just don’t. Initial Projection: Bills 13, Jets 10 (OT).
Matchup I’m Most Geeked Up For: Ravens at Steelers (Sun, 7:20pm, NBC). Always an instant classic.
Worst Matchup On The Board: broncos at raiders (Sun, 3pm, CBS). It is damned near impossible to root for either team. It’s really tough when you have to root for the lesser of two evils … which this season, figures to be denver …
Sleeper Matchup: Packers at Chargers (Sun, 3:15pm, FOX). Might be a 55-54 final. Should be entertaining as hell to watch.
Week Ten:
Chiefs: vs broncos (Sun, noon, CBS). It’s on like donkey kong hitting whatever f*cking bong one of us brings for tailgating. I hate, I mean I f*cking HATE, this team with a passion. The English language has yet to invent a word that accurately conveys my true feelings for the denver f*cking broncos. I said for years that “I can live with 1 and 15, as long as the 1 is denver at home”. Then came 2008, when that damned near happened. And you know what? I still mean it. I can live with 1 and 15, as long as the 1 is an absolute ass kicking of Biblical porportions at home. Preferably under “unseasonably warm” weather conditions. Initial Projection: Chiefs 33, eeyores 6. And I apologize Eeyore. I always liked you growing up, I really did. I’m so, so, so, so, so sorry to degrade your name like this, comparing you to those “chinga tu madres” from hell on earth.
Jets: vs Patriots (Sun, 7:20pm, NBC). Gee, nobody will be tuned into this one, will they? Initial Projection: Jets 34, Pats 20.
Matchup I’m Most Geeked Up About: uuh, Chiefs! unicorns! Duh! Oh, you mean other than the Day I Live For? Then raiders at Chargers (Thurs, 7pm, NFLN). Always good for 300 plus arrests, 7 homicides, and (thankfully, last year) the upset that opened the door to the Chiefs winning the division.
Worst Matchup On The Board: Vikings at Packers (Mon, 7:30pm, ESPN). This one has 55-3 written all over it.
Sleeper Matchup: Ravens at Seahawks (Sun, 3pm, FOX). Very, very, very intriguing inter-conference matchup. Very, very intriguing.
Week Eleven:
Chiefs: at Patriots (Mon, 7:30pm, ESPN). Do I even need to type it? Ok. (cue “mnf intro music”!!!) Duh Duh Duh Duh! (Duh Duh! Duh Duh!) Duh Duh Duh Duh Duh! (Duh Duh! Duh Duh!) Duh Duh Duh Duh Duh Duh Duh! (Duh … Duh … Duh … Duh …) Duh Duh Duh Duh Duh! Duh Duh Duh, Duh, Duh Duh! Duh Duh! Even odds I watch this pushing a .35 on a couch in Wyandotte County. Just not sure which ex-roomie’s couch that I’ll be on. Initial Projection: Patriots 38, Chiefs 17.
Jets: at broncos (Thurs, 7pm, NFLN). The two teams I love, facing the team I hate more than even osama bin ladin, in the span of five days. Here’s guessing the Fourth Annual Drunkapalooza will see an increase of more than 60,000 ounces … Initial Projection: Jets 23, broncos 20.
Game I’m Most Geeked Up For: Eagles at Giants (Sun, 7:20pm, NBC). Both games last year were an instant classic. Hell, for 22 years these two have been staging instant classics, dating back to Randall Cunningham’s 91 yard punt in 1989.
Worst Matchup On The Board: Panthers at Lions (Sun, noon, FOX). I am shocked – SHOCKED!!! – that FOX didn’t slide this one into the stand alone slot at 3pm. Shocked, I tell you. Shocked.
Sleeper Matchup: Chargers at Bears (Sun, 3:15pm, CBS). Awesome interleague matchup.
Week Twelve:
Chiefs: vs Steelers (Sun, 7:20pm, NBC). The last time NBC broadcast a game from Arrowhead Stadium … (steve sighing in disgust, horror, and anger voice) the indwelt f*ckers from denver roo-eened my 21st birthday and won 14-10 in the playoffs. Let’s hope this one turns out slightly better. Screw that – let’s hope this one goes as well as the last time Pittsburgh rolled into town in late November, when the Chiefs returned the opening kickoff for a touchdown and beat the defending champs in overtime. Initial Projection: Chiefs 14, Steelers 7.
Jets: vs Bills (Sun, noon, CBS). They’d better win this one. Initial Projection: Jets 34, Bills 10.
Matchup I’m Most Geeked Up About: other than the Red and Gold against our biggest “rival that neither side actually admits out loud is a rival, but both fanbases know is a rival”? Gotta be Patriots at Eagles (Sun, 3:15pm, FOX). It’s the only other game on the board with even a shot in hell of getting flexed into our slot on NBC. And I’d bet my sweet white ass CBS protected this thing. NBC’s coming to town folks. The Chiefs are going to be available on every television set plugged into an outlet in the wall for the first time since December 2006! You don’t even need (mean gene okerlund voice) “to call your cable and / or satellite provider” to watch us!
Worst Matchup On The Board: Panthers at Colts (Sun, noon, CBS). Not even the most drunken, degenerate gambler at the Golden Gate will look up from their $.99 shrimp cocktail to wager on this one. Uum, not that I’ve ever enjoyed a 99 cent shrimp cocktail or five at the Gate. Let’s just move on.
Sleeper Matchup: 49ers at Ravens (Thurs, 7pm, NFLN). Brother vs brother! What excitement! What tintillation! (peter griffin voice) check out that side boob. That turn you on? Well it shouldn’t. Because it’s my side boob. Good night everybody!
Week Thirteen:
Chiefs: at Bears (Sun, noon, FOX). For any Chiefs fan thinking this one might get flexed, just wait until you get two paragraphs down. The best we can hope for is getting pushed to 3:15 … and even that looks iffy with Packers at Giants already drawing the Joe Buck / Troy Aikman / Pam Oliver crew. Still, this is a very winnable roadie, and we damned well might need this one, a la at St. Louis last December, to eek out a division title. And yes, our last three games have been at Patriots / vs Steelers / at Bears. As bad as that is? It’s about to get worse. Initial Projection: Bears 23, Chiefs 20 (OT).
Jets: at Redskins (Sun, noon, CBS). The Santana (doo doo doo do doo!) Moss Bowl! Or the Laveranues Coles Bowl! Hell, just insert “sh*tty Jets WR” here, and name a Bowl game after them, it can’t be any more ridiculous than half the actual NCAA affiliated bowl game’s actual names. Initial Projection: Jets 24, Redskins 3.
Matchup I’m Most Geeked Up About: Colts at Patriots (Sun, 7:20pm, NBC). Poor Kevin O’Reilly. Like it isn’t bad enough he’s inheriting the WORST PERFORMING EVER PRIME TIME LINEUP IN NETWORK HISTORY!!! (caps added for emphasis, and yes, Univision is outdrawing NBC on a weekly basis right now …), like that’s not bad enough … this game falls one week outside of November sweeps. So he can’t use it to at least salvage something from the fall book. (I lived with a RTVF major in college, I know way, way more about the Nielsen system than I should, believe me. That, and I watch way, way too much television). Kevin O’Reilly is definitely not giving the NFL Schedule Dude a Tommy Point.
Worst Matchup On The Board: Panthers at Bucs (Sun, noon, FOX). Other “doozies” to choose from include Ravens at Browns (Sun, noon, CBS), Titans at Bills (Sun, noon, CBS), and Bengals at Steelers (Sun, noon, CBS). You pick the worst one out of those, and if you disagree with my choice, that’s cool. They’re all on par with watching a prostate exam for three straight hours.
Sleeper Matchup: Chargers at Jaguars (Mon, 7:30pm, ESPN). An EXTREMELY intriguing matchup with HUGE postseason ramifications for both teams. Kudos to ESPN for fleecing a game this good from a week with this many sh*tty matchups.
Week Fourteen:
Chiefs: at Jets (Sun, noon, CBS).
Jets: vs Chiefs (Sun, noon, CBS).
To say this game will have huge postseason ramifications riding on it, is probably an understatement. To say I will be drinking heavily and possibly might purchase an ounce to calm the nerves during this game with, is a grouse understatement of zues proportions. To say I will root for the Jets in this game, is to underestimate in an offensive way how much I love the Red and Gold. Initial Projection: Chiefs spring it, somehow, someway. I just wouldn’t advise being with 200 feet of me when this game goes down, it won’t be uneventful. Chiefs 26, Jets 20.
Matchup I’m Most Geeked Up About: really? You have to ask? Really?
Worst Matchup On The Board: Patriots at Redskins (Sun, noon, CBS). The last time these two teams faced off, it was a 55-9 final. This one might be worse.
Sleeper Matchup: Bears at donkeys (Sun, 3pm, FOX). Uum, I might need to amend my Rule 16: “If terrorists strike the stadium while the oakland raiders and denver broncos are playing each other, it is not a national tragedy. It is cause for a national celebration”. I might need to amend that to include “chicago qb jay cutler facing his former team, the denver broncos”. I still can’t believe denver didn’t keep him, he’s a perfect QB for them. he’s gutless, he’s spineless, he dates worthless reality tv trash, and when the going gets tough, he sits his p*ssy on the bench and lets his team down. jay cutler truly was the PERFECT denver broncos quarterback. he really, really was. Gutless? Check. Doesn’t have a pair? Check. Never won a damned thing of value after junior high? Check, check, check.
(Oh, and “p*ssed away a gimme layup of a home game with the postseason on the line, allowing the Immaculate Fivefecta to pay off? Check! Check! Check! Check! Check!!!!!)
Week Fifteen:
Chiefs: vs Packers (Sun, noon, FOX). Sunday nighter is Baltimore at San Diego. This one might be up for flexing its muscles into prime time. The last Chiefs / Packers game was the beginning of the end of the Carl Peterson (and Herm Edwards) era. It’s arguably the most painful regular season Chiefs game I’ve ever attended. Let’s pray this one turns out better. Initial Projection: Chiefs 33, Packers 24.
Jets: at Eagles (Sun, 3:15pm, CBS). Lito Shepherd’s return to Philly. Come on, you know you want to. (boz skaggs voice) Ledo! Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh! He’s for the place, he’s for the show, Ledo’s waitin’ for the boat! O Ledo! Oh Oh Oh Oh! Oh! Oh! He said One More Try outta do it, One Last Shot, Nothing to it, One More FOOOOOOOORRRRRRRR the road … Initial Projection: Eagles 34, Jets 19.
Matchup I’m Most Geeked Up About: Gotta go with KC / Green Bay. Best matchup on the board.
Worst Matchup On The Board: Browns at Cardinals (Sun, 3:15pm, CBS). McCoy! Beck! Criqui! Buerelein! Beasley Reece! It’s the NFL on CBS!!!
Sleeper Matchup: Patriots at broncos (Sun, 3:15pm, CBS). Could be a weather game. Could be entertaining. That, and trust me – week fifteen is that devoid of anything decent to watch.
Week Sixteen:
Chiefs: vs raiders (Sat, noon, CBS). The raiders have won four straight at Arrowhead. Unbelievable. That streak MUST end if the Chiefs are repeating as division champs. Initial Projection: Chiefs 33, raiders 30.
Jets: vs Giants (Sat, noon, FOX). Shocked NBC didn’t snag this one for Christmas night, honestly. Initial Projection: Jets 34, Giants 30.
Matchup I’m Most Geeked Up About: Bears at Packers (Sun, 7:20pm, NBC). I think even God can take a few minutes away from the Birthday celebration to tune into this one.
Worst Matchup On The Board: Cardinals at Bengals (Sat, noon, FOX). As ugly as this league gets.
Sleeper Matchup: 49ers at Seahawks (Sat, 3:15pm, FOX). Could be for the division?
Week Seventeen:
Chiefs: at broncos (Sun, 3:15pm, CBS). I smell a roadie coming on. Then again, is turning me loose on the biggest night of binge drinking (New Year’s Eve) in denver a good thing for my health and/or well being? Initial Projection: denver 31, Chiefs 28.
Jets: at Dolphins (Sun, noon, CBS). Intriguing finale. Initial Projection: Jets 23, Dolphins 20.
Game I’m Most Geeked Up About: uuh, really? Really? You have to ask? Really? Especially if I’m getting pelted by snowballs by those demon-possessed fans of denver? Really? You have to ask? Really?
Worst Matchup On The Board: Lions at Packers. Enjoy the 56-3 victory Pack.
Sleeper Matchup: 49ers at Rams (Sun, noon, FOX). For the division?
Chiefs thoughts: we must be 6-3 at worst after denver leaves town. 6-3 at worst. Because our closing seven is BRUTAL. Six against playoff contenders, five against playoff teams from last year, and a closer at our personal house of horrors. You’re praying for 5-2 against that stretch (at NE / vs Pitt / at Chi / at Jets / vs GB / vs oak / at den). You’re hoping for 4-3. You’re bracing for 2-5.
Jets thoughts: as tough as the Chiefs finish is, the Jets start is. A brutal five week stretch (at oak / at Bal / at NE / vs Mia / vs SD) that determines the fate of the season. To say nothing of opening against a sure-to-be-better Cowboys team in prime time.
Overall thoughts: for the love of God, it’s a $9 billion industry with a ton of money being left on the table (via the NFLN Thursday night contract). demaurice smith, you’re a national disgrace, embarrassment, and I wish nothing but the worst on you and your family for this idiotic labor war you have unleashed on the public over a mere $10 million over the first three seasons of the cap. You deserve an anal probe. I hope someone gives you one.
(Oh, and settle this ludacris lockout already!)
Week One:
Chiefs: vs Bills (Sun, noon, CBS). Couldn’t ask for a better home opener. Well, I could; it could have been denver in prime time. But still, opening under the bright sunny skies of a (hopefully) still warm late summer day, I can dig it. Plus, if you can’t win this game, in this spot, that’s not a good sign for 2011. Initial Projection: Chiefs 30, Bills 14.
Jets: vs Cowboys (Sun, 7:20pm, NBC). A very intriguing opener. Emotion should be sky high, as it’s the tenth anniversary of 9/11. Curious to see if the Jets can get off to a better start than last year. They need to – just wait until you see weeks three, four, and five … Initial Projection: Jets 23, Cowboys 20 (OT).
Game I’m Most Geeked Up For: Saints at Packers (Thurs, 7:20pm, NBC). PFT made this point when this game leaked, and I couldn’t agree more. The League must be really, really confident this labor p*ssing match won’t last much past early August, because there’s no way in hell you risk losing this game if you think there’s even a slight chance of actual games being postponed. This is gonna be a tremendous season opener. Tremendous. Also on tap week one? Steelers at Ravens, Falcons at Bears, Eagles at Rams, Giants at Redskins. No way the NFL opens with this f*cking solid of a week if they think it won’t be played. Now let’s force the NFLPA* to legitimately bargain, no matter how that happens, via judicial verdict, common sense entering the NFLPA* rank and fire, or hired goons taking out the inept and utterly unlovable demaurice smith (whose name has earned “never capitalize” status. Congrats demaurice, I hate you as much as I hate peyton manning, john elway, and dick gannon. You must be proud.
Worst Game On The Board: Bengals at Browns (Sun, noon, CBS). If Carson Palmer is traded, this might be a 3-2 final. And I’m being generous in assuming one team can muster a field goal.
Sleeper Matchup: Eagles at Rams (Sun, noon, FOX). A very intriguing game with potentially huge wildcard ramifications. Very intriguing.
Week Two:
Chiefs: at Lions (Sun, noon, CBS). Just like last year, we get a very winnable week two roadie. There is absolutely no reason the Chiefs cannot win this game. It won’t be easy. And God knows Gunther Cunningham will have his troops fired up and ready to take on the squad that fired him twice in a decade. But the Chiefs are the better team, and the longer the lockout drags on, the better advantage the established teams will have. Initial Projection: Chiefs 24, Lions 20.
Jets: vs Jaguars (Sun, noon, CBS). The Jets better win this one. The next three are beyond brutal, they’re all on the road, and two are on national television. Initial Projection: Jets 27, Jaguars 13.
Game I’m Most Geeked Up For: Eagles at Falcons (Sun, 7:20pm, NBC). Mike Vick returns to Atlanta. Should be fun. But there’s three other great ones – Chargers at Pats, Bears at Saints, Cowboys at 49ers. Hard to believe Dallas / San Fran has fallen as far as it has.
Worst Game On The Board: Packers at Panthers (Sun, noon, FOX). The NFL record for most points one team has scored in a game is 73. That record might be in jeopardy in Charlotte.
Sleeper Matchup: raiders at Bills (Sun, noon, CBS). Bills are frisky enough to spring the upset. raider nation can’t be pleased with two straight frisky roadies to open the season.
Week Three:
Chiefs: at Chargers (Sun, CBS, 3pm). I’ll put it this way: the plane could fail to take off, the players could spend Saturday night in an adult entertainment establishment in Tijuana, they could be more baked and buzzed than me at a Ben Harper concert … and the Chiefs STILL can’t play worse than they did at San Diego last year. Initial Projection: Chargers 31, Chiefs 16.
Jets: at raiders (Sun, CBS, 3pm). There is no reason both teams shouldn’t be 2-0 entering this contest. The difference being, two raider road wins, and two Jets home wins. The last time the Jets entered the black hole, Mark Sanchez engineered a blowout of epic proportions – so epic that he famously purchased and ate a hot dog from a vendor, the game was that out of hand. That will not be the case this time. Initial Projection: raiders 27, Jets 20.
Matchup I’m Most Geeked Up For: Redskins at Cowboys (Mon, 7:30pm, ESPN). Anytime two NFC East teams line up against each other, it’s appointment television.
Worst Matchup On The Board: Dolphins at Browns (Sun, noon, CBS). Smells like a Criqui / Buerelein broadcast.
Sleeper Matchup: Steelers at Colts (Sun, 7:20pm, NBC). OK, this isn’t a “sleeper” matchup, but should still be fun to watch.
Week Four:
Chiefs: vs Vikings (Sun, noon, FOX). Hey, two very winnable home games to open the schedule, plus a very winnable roadie. I can dig it. Although please, Arrowhead Nation, don’t show up wearing purple 69 jerseys. You can say trading Allen was a bad thing … and you would be dead wrong. I’d much rather have Branden Albert and Jamaal Charles than Jared Allen. And you would too, if you’d be honest with yourself. Initial Projection: Chiefs 34, Vikings 10.
Jets: at Ravens (Sun, 7:20pm, NBC). The Ravens won at the Jets in prime time last year. The Ravens will beat the Jets at home in prime time this year. And if these back-to-back roadies aren’t bad enough, just wait til you see what’s on tap. Initial Projection: Ravens 20, Jets 14.
Matchup I’m Most Geeked Up For: Patriots at raiders (Sun, 3:15pm, CBS). This one should be fun. If the raiders are as legitimate as I fear they are, this should be really fun.
Worst Matchup On The Board: Bills at Bengals (Sun, noon, CBS). Hide the women and children, because tuning in for even 0:01 of this abortion qualifies as wife beating and/or child abuse.
Sleeper Matchup: Saints at Jaguars (Sun, noon, CBS). The last time New Orleans visited Jacksonville, was one of the wildest, most f*cked up finishes in NFL history. The Saints scored on the final play of the game to pull within one via a hook and lateral / constant lateraling down the field. And shanked the extra point that would have tied the game. Doubt this one will be as amazing, but if there’s a chance …
Week Five:
Chiefs: at Colts (Sun, noon, CBS). Gee, Chiefs at Colts, week five. Haven’t seen that one before. Oh wait, we just did last year. This, finally, is the year the “all time great” known as peyton manning finally sees his cap-crippling contract f*ck his team over. Initial Projection: Chiefs 23, Colts 20 (OT).
Jets: at Patriots (Sun, 3:15pm, CBS). Are you freaking kidding me, NFL schedule makers? A three game roadie – at oak, at Bal, and at NE? Really? Are you just that stupid, or do you hate Gang Green that much? Initial Projection: Patriots 74, Jets 3.
Matchup I’m Most Geeked Up For: Bears at Lions (Mon, 7:30pm, ESPN). Yes, I picked Bears at Lions. If you don’t understand why, I’ll give you a few hints. ESPN broadcasts a 90 minute pregame show LIVE from the site of the game. One of the hosts of that LIVE pregame show is the architect of the 2001-2007 Lions that were (arguably) the worst run franchise in NFL history over that timeframe. And did I mention that this guy will be broadcasting LIVE from the scene of the crime? Philly fans might be off the hook by the time 6:30 rolls around. Seriously. If my name was Matt Millen, I’d make damned sure my life insurance policies were all in force and active, and that my personal affairs were in order. And sadly, that isn’t a joke.
Worst Matchup On The Board: Cardinals at Vikings (Sun, noon, FOX). Not even God will tune in to see how his former team is doing. (kurt warner voice) I love you Jesus! Damn, tack another two months in purgatory onto my eventual sentence …
Sleeper Matchup: Bucs at 49ers (Sun, 3pm, FOX). A very, very intriguing matchup with potential huge wildcard ramifications.
Week Six:
Chiefs: bye. The optimist in me has us at 4-1. The realist in me has us at 3-2. The pessimist in me has us at 2-3, facing a very difficult roadie out of the bye, then coming home to “save the season” on a Monday night against the team that “jumpstarted” the season last year. No matter which viewpoint wins out, I can live with it.
Jets: vs Dolphins (Mon, 7:30pm, ESPN). Good freaking God, does the schedule maker hate us or what? Three straight (at best) toss-up or worse roadies, followed by a prime time game against our Achilles heel? Thanks dude. You’re the best. No really, NFL Schedule Dude, you are the mother f*cking best. Initial Projection: Jets 28, Dolphins 27. But there is no way I’d wager even $0.01 on that projection.
Matchup I’m Most Geeked Up For: Saints at Bucs (Sun, 3:15pm, FOX). Gotta be honest folks, this week is a total dud. Save for the sleeper matchup.
Worst Matchup On The Board: Browns at raiders (Sun, 3pm, CBS). Smells like a 55-3 yawner.
Sleeper Matchup: Cowboys at Patriots (Sun, 3:15pm, FOX). Sleeper in that who the hell knows if Dallas shows up. If they do, this might match their last two epic showdowns (an OT Pats win at Foxboro in 2003, and a 49-38 Pats win in Dallas during the unbeaten regular season).
Week Seven:
Chiefs: at raiders (Sun, 3pm, CBS). The good news is that the Chiefs have won 7 of their last 8 to the raiders, and the only loss was on a “1 in a million” catch by jacoby ford in overtime last year. The bad news is that the first 7 wins were against raiders teams that all lost at least 11 games, and the loss was against a rising power that will only be better this season. Initial Projection: raiders 23, Chiefs 20 (OT).
Jets: vs Chargers (Sun, noon, CBS). The hits keep coming. Last time the Chargers played in New York, LaDainian Tomlinson dropped 200 yards on the Jets in an overtime victory. Let’s hope he repays his former team with a 175 spot. Initial Projection: Jets 31, Chargers 20.
Matchup I’m Most Geeked Up For: Colts at Saints (Sun, 7:20pm, NBC). A rematch of a tremendous Super Bowl. Alleged “all time great” peyton manning returns to his hometown. Hopefully he emerges with a concussion and/or life threatening injuries.
Worst Matchup On The Board: Seahawks at Browns (Sun, noon, FOX). The Seneca Wallace Bowl! And not even his folks will be tuned in to watch this mess.
Sleeper Matchup: Steelers at Cardinals (Sun, 3pm, CBS). Another Super Bowl classic rematch.
Week Eight:
Chiefs: vs Chargers (Mon, 7:30pm, ESPN). The Chiefs have hosted the Chargers in prime time three times. The first was in 1982, when in late December in front of a virtually empty stadium, soon-to-be-sh*t-canned Marv Levy, in below freezing conditions, offered one of my favorite sarcastic quips of all time. As the cameras were on him, and you could literally see his breath freezing as it came out of him, he dropped a “where would you rather be than right here, right now!” pep talk on his team. High comedy. The third time was last year, a goalline stand classic that jumpstarted the season. The middle occasion? Featured my favorite Chiefs play of all time, and had me in tears for nearly twenty minutes afterwards. And I don’t mean “it’s a little dusty in here” tears, I mean full on sobs. Let’s just say, whatever happens, this one promises to be special. Initial Projection: Chiefs 26, Chargers 20.
Jets: bye. I have them 4-3 because I overvalue home field … but they easily could be this year’s Cowboys and collapse to 1-6 given the schedule.
Game I’m Most Geeked Up For: other than prime time at Arrowhead on Halloween night? Uuh … Pats at Steelers (Sun, 3:15pm, CBS). Potential AFC Championship preview?
Worst Matchup On The Board: Lions at broncos (Sun, 3pm, FOX). I’m gonna go out on a limb and guess that not even the lovely KJ is gonna sit through this debacle.
Sleeper Matchup: Jaguars at Texans (Sun, noon, CBS). Could be for final wildcard position?
Week Nine:
Chiefs: vs Dolphins (Sun, noon, CBS). I have missed exactly one regular season game in the last ten years – the season finale against Miami in 2008, when it was -7 at kickoff and the Chiefs were 2-12. I have a family wedding in Miami (ironically enough) at 5:30pm ET on Saturday of this week. So the question is … do I skip the reception and catch the last flight out on Saturday … or wake up at 4am and catch the first flight out on Sunday? And yes, I am going to fly to this bad boy, despite my having a greater fear of flying than John Madden. I am proud to say I haven’t stepped foot on an airplance since January of 2006. I hate flying with a passion. But if that’s how I make kickoff, then it’s how I roll. Initial Projection: I catch a 6:05am ET flight out on Sunday, because let’s be honest, I am NOT passing up an open bar on a freaking beach in November. Dream on. I’m just hoping I remember a shirt for the ceremony at this point, I mean, Miami in November!!! My kind of town!!! I land at KCI about 10:15am KC time, bribe Donnie to expedite my baggage, receive two speeding tickets on the way to Arrowhead … and arrive in my seat just time time to b*tch about the waste of taxpayer dollars known as a flyover. Oh, and Chiefs 34, Dolphins 3.
Jets: at Bills (Sun, noon, CBS). Great, potentially 1-6 and headed to our house of horrors. Here’s a hint: don’t take the Jets at 12:1 this fall. Just don’t. Initial Projection: Bills 13, Jets 10 (OT).
Matchup I’m Most Geeked Up For: Ravens at Steelers (Sun, 7:20pm, NBC). Always an instant classic.
Worst Matchup On The Board: broncos at raiders (Sun, 3pm, CBS). It is damned near impossible to root for either team. It’s really tough when you have to root for the lesser of two evils … which this season, figures to be denver …
Sleeper Matchup: Packers at Chargers (Sun, 3:15pm, FOX). Might be a 55-54 final. Should be entertaining as hell to watch.
Week Ten:
Chiefs: vs broncos (Sun, noon, CBS). It’s on like donkey kong hitting whatever f*cking bong one of us brings for tailgating. I hate, I mean I f*cking HATE, this team with a passion. The English language has yet to invent a word that accurately conveys my true feelings for the denver f*cking broncos. I said for years that “I can live with 1 and 15, as long as the 1 is denver at home”. Then came 2008, when that damned near happened. And you know what? I still mean it. I can live with 1 and 15, as long as the 1 is an absolute ass kicking of Biblical porportions at home. Preferably under “unseasonably warm” weather conditions. Initial Projection: Chiefs 33, eeyores 6. And I apologize Eeyore. I always liked you growing up, I really did. I’m so, so, so, so, so sorry to degrade your name like this, comparing you to those “chinga tu madres” from hell on earth.
Jets: vs Patriots (Sun, 7:20pm, NBC). Gee, nobody will be tuned into this one, will they? Initial Projection: Jets 34, Pats 20.
Matchup I’m Most Geeked Up About: uuh, Chiefs! unicorns! Duh! Oh, you mean other than the Day I Live For? Then raiders at Chargers (Thurs, 7pm, NFLN). Always good for 300 plus arrests, 7 homicides, and (thankfully, last year) the upset that opened the door to the Chiefs winning the division.
Worst Matchup On The Board: Vikings at Packers (Mon, 7:30pm, ESPN). This one has 55-3 written all over it.
Sleeper Matchup: Ravens at Seahawks (Sun, 3pm, FOX). Very, very, very intriguing inter-conference matchup. Very, very intriguing.
Week Eleven:
Chiefs: at Patriots (Mon, 7:30pm, ESPN). Do I even need to type it? Ok. (cue “mnf intro music”!!!) Duh Duh Duh Duh! (Duh Duh! Duh Duh!) Duh Duh Duh Duh Duh! (Duh Duh! Duh Duh!) Duh Duh Duh Duh Duh Duh Duh! (Duh … Duh … Duh … Duh …) Duh Duh Duh Duh Duh! Duh Duh Duh, Duh, Duh Duh! Duh Duh! Even odds I watch this pushing a .35 on a couch in Wyandotte County. Just not sure which ex-roomie’s couch that I’ll be on. Initial Projection: Patriots 38, Chiefs 17.
Jets: at broncos (Thurs, 7pm, NFLN). The two teams I love, facing the team I hate more than even osama bin ladin, in the span of five days. Here’s guessing the Fourth Annual Drunkapalooza will see an increase of more than 60,000 ounces … Initial Projection: Jets 23, broncos 20.
Game I’m Most Geeked Up For: Eagles at Giants (Sun, 7:20pm, NBC). Both games last year were an instant classic. Hell, for 22 years these two have been staging instant classics, dating back to Randall Cunningham’s 91 yard punt in 1989.
Worst Matchup On The Board: Panthers at Lions (Sun, noon, FOX). I am shocked – SHOCKED!!! – that FOX didn’t slide this one into the stand alone slot at 3pm. Shocked, I tell you. Shocked.
Sleeper Matchup: Chargers at Bears (Sun, 3:15pm, CBS). Awesome interleague matchup.
Week Twelve:
Chiefs: vs Steelers (Sun, 7:20pm, NBC). The last time NBC broadcast a game from Arrowhead Stadium … (steve sighing in disgust, horror, and anger voice) the indwelt f*ckers from denver roo-eened my 21st birthday and won 14-10 in the playoffs. Let’s hope this one turns out slightly better. Screw that – let’s hope this one goes as well as the last time Pittsburgh rolled into town in late November, when the Chiefs returned the opening kickoff for a touchdown and beat the defending champs in overtime. Initial Projection: Chiefs 14, Steelers 7.
Jets: vs Bills (Sun, noon, CBS). They’d better win this one. Initial Projection: Jets 34, Bills 10.
Matchup I’m Most Geeked Up About: other than the Red and Gold against our biggest “rival that neither side actually admits out loud is a rival, but both fanbases know is a rival”? Gotta be Patriots at Eagles (Sun, 3:15pm, FOX). It’s the only other game on the board with even a shot in hell of getting flexed into our slot on NBC. And I’d bet my sweet white ass CBS protected this thing. NBC’s coming to town folks. The Chiefs are going to be available on every television set plugged into an outlet in the wall for the first time since December 2006! You don’t even need (mean gene okerlund voice) “to call your cable and / or satellite provider” to watch us!
Worst Matchup On The Board: Panthers at Colts (Sun, noon, CBS). Not even the most drunken, degenerate gambler at the Golden Gate will look up from their $.99 shrimp cocktail to wager on this one. Uum, not that I’ve ever enjoyed a 99 cent shrimp cocktail or five at the Gate. Let’s just move on.
Sleeper Matchup: 49ers at Ravens (Thurs, 7pm, NFLN). Brother vs brother! What excitement! What tintillation! (peter griffin voice) check out that side boob. That turn you on? Well it shouldn’t. Because it’s my side boob. Good night everybody!
Week Thirteen:
Chiefs: at Bears (Sun, noon, FOX). For any Chiefs fan thinking this one might get flexed, just wait until you get two paragraphs down. The best we can hope for is getting pushed to 3:15 … and even that looks iffy with Packers at Giants already drawing the Joe Buck / Troy Aikman / Pam Oliver crew. Still, this is a very winnable roadie, and we damned well might need this one, a la at St. Louis last December, to eek out a division title. And yes, our last three games have been at Patriots / vs Steelers / at Bears. As bad as that is? It’s about to get worse. Initial Projection: Bears 23, Chiefs 20 (OT).
Jets: at Redskins (Sun, noon, CBS). The Santana (doo doo doo do doo!) Moss Bowl! Or the Laveranues Coles Bowl! Hell, just insert “sh*tty Jets WR” here, and name a Bowl game after them, it can’t be any more ridiculous than half the actual NCAA affiliated bowl game’s actual names. Initial Projection: Jets 24, Redskins 3.
Matchup I’m Most Geeked Up About: Colts at Patriots (Sun, 7:20pm, NBC). Poor Kevin O’Reilly. Like it isn’t bad enough he’s inheriting the WORST PERFORMING EVER PRIME TIME LINEUP IN NETWORK HISTORY!!! (caps added for emphasis, and yes, Univision is outdrawing NBC on a weekly basis right now …), like that’s not bad enough … this game falls one week outside of November sweeps. So he can’t use it to at least salvage something from the fall book. (I lived with a RTVF major in college, I know way, way more about the Nielsen system than I should, believe me. That, and I watch way, way too much television). Kevin O’Reilly is definitely not giving the NFL Schedule Dude a Tommy Point.
Worst Matchup On The Board: Panthers at Bucs (Sun, noon, FOX). Other “doozies” to choose from include Ravens at Browns (Sun, noon, CBS), Titans at Bills (Sun, noon, CBS), and Bengals at Steelers (Sun, noon, CBS). You pick the worst one out of those, and if you disagree with my choice, that’s cool. They’re all on par with watching a prostate exam for three straight hours.
Sleeper Matchup: Chargers at Jaguars (Mon, 7:30pm, ESPN). An EXTREMELY intriguing matchup with HUGE postseason ramifications for both teams. Kudos to ESPN for fleecing a game this good from a week with this many sh*tty matchups.
Week Fourteen:
Chiefs: at Jets (Sun, noon, CBS).
Jets: vs Chiefs (Sun, noon, CBS).
To say this game will have huge postseason ramifications riding on it, is probably an understatement. To say I will be drinking heavily and possibly might purchase an ounce to calm the nerves during this game with, is a grouse understatement of zues proportions. To say I will root for the Jets in this game, is to underestimate in an offensive way how much I love the Red and Gold. Initial Projection: Chiefs spring it, somehow, someway. I just wouldn’t advise being with 200 feet of me when this game goes down, it won’t be uneventful. Chiefs 26, Jets 20.
Matchup I’m Most Geeked Up About: really? You have to ask? Really?
Worst Matchup On The Board: Patriots at Redskins (Sun, noon, CBS). The last time these two teams faced off, it was a 55-9 final. This one might be worse.
Sleeper Matchup: Bears at donkeys (Sun, 3pm, FOX). Uum, I might need to amend my Rule 16: “If terrorists strike the stadium while the oakland raiders and denver broncos are playing each other, it is not a national tragedy. It is cause for a national celebration”. I might need to amend that to include “chicago qb jay cutler facing his former team, the denver broncos”. I still can’t believe denver didn’t keep him, he’s a perfect QB for them. he’s gutless, he’s spineless, he dates worthless reality tv trash, and when the going gets tough, he sits his p*ssy on the bench and lets his team down. jay cutler truly was the PERFECT denver broncos quarterback. he really, really was. Gutless? Check. Doesn’t have a pair? Check. Never won a damned thing of value after junior high? Check, check, check.
(Oh, and “p*ssed away a gimme layup of a home game with the postseason on the line, allowing the Immaculate Fivefecta to pay off? Check! Check! Check! Check! Check!!!!!)
Week Fifteen:
Chiefs: vs Packers (Sun, noon, FOX). Sunday nighter is Baltimore at San Diego. This one might be up for flexing its muscles into prime time. The last Chiefs / Packers game was the beginning of the end of the Carl Peterson (and Herm Edwards) era. It’s arguably the most painful regular season Chiefs game I’ve ever attended. Let’s pray this one turns out better. Initial Projection: Chiefs 33, Packers 24.
Jets: at Eagles (Sun, 3:15pm, CBS). Lito Shepherd’s return to Philly. Come on, you know you want to. (boz skaggs voice) Ledo! Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh! He’s for the place, he’s for the show, Ledo’s waitin’ for the boat! O Ledo! Oh Oh Oh Oh! Oh! Oh! He said One More Try outta do it, One Last Shot, Nothing to it, One More FOOOOOOOORRRRRRRR the road … Initial Projection: Eagles 34, Jets 19.
Matchup I’m Most Geeked Up About: Gotta go with KC / Green Bay. Best matchup on the board.
Worst Matchup On The Board: Browns at Cardinals (Sun, 3:15pm, CBS). McCoy! Beck! Criqui! Buerelein! Beasley Reece! It’s the NFL on CBS!!!
Sleeper Matchup: Patriots at broncos (Sun, 3:15pm, CBS). Could be a weather game. Could be entertaining. That, and trust me – week fifteen is that devoid of anything decent to watch.
Week Sixteen:
Chiefs: vs raiders (Sat, noon, CBS). The raiders have won four straight at Arrowhead. Unbelievable. That streak MUST end if the Chiefs are repeating as division champs. Initial Projection: Chiefs 33, raiders 30.
Jets: vs Giants (Sat, noon, FOX). Shocked NBC didn’t snag this one for Christmas night, honestly. Initial Projection: Jets 34, Giants 30.
Matchup I’m Most Geeked Up About: Bears at Packers (Sun, 7:20pm, NBC). I think even God can take a few minutes away from the Birthday celebration to tune into this one.
Worst Matchup On The Board: Cardinals at Bengals (Sat, noon, FOX). As ugly as this league gets.
Sleeper Matchup: 49ers at Seahawks (Sat, 3:15pm, FOX). Could be for the division?
Week Seventeen:
Chiefs: at broncos (Sun, 3:15pm, CBS). I smell a roadie coming on. Then again, is turning me loose on the biggest night of binge drinking (New Year’s Eve) in denver a good thing for my health and/or well being? Initial Projection: denver 31, Chiefs 28.
Jets: at Dolphins (Sun, noon, CBS). Intriguing finale. Initial Projection: Jets 23, Dolphins 20.
Game I’m Most Geeked Up About: uuh, really? Really? You have to ask? Really? Especially if I’m getting pelted by snowballs by those demon-possessed fans of denver? Really? You have to ask? Really?
Worst Matchup On The Board: Lions at Packers. Enjoy the 56-3 victory Pack.
Sleeper Matchup: 49ers at Rams (Sun, noon, FOX). For the division?
Chiefs thoughts: we must be 6-3 at worst after denver leaves town. 6-3 at worst. Because our closing seven is BRUTAL. Six against playoff contenders, five against playoff teams from last year, and a closer at our personal house of horrors. You’re praying for 5-2 against that stretch (at NE / vs Pitt / at Chi / at Jets / vs GB / vs oak / at den). You’re hoping for 4-3. You’re bracing for 2-5.
Jets thoughts: as tough as the Chiefs finish is, the Jets start is. A brutal five week stretch (at oak / at Bal / at NE / vs Mia / vs SD) that determines the fate of the season. To say nothing of opening against a sure-to-be-better Cowboys team in prime time.
Overall thoughts: for the love of God, it’s a $9 billion industry with a ton of money being left on the table (via the NFLN Thursday night contract). demaurice smith, you’re a national disgrace, embarrassment, and I wish nothing but the worst on you and your family for this idiotic labor war you have unleashed on the public over a mere $10 million over the first three seasons of the cap. You deserve an anal probe. I hope someone gives you one.
(Oh, and settle this ludacris lockout already!)
Monday, April 18, 2011
ned yost, welcome to steve's sh*t list. you earned it, you really, really earned it ...
If there is one thing in sports that drives me bat sh*t crazy … well, it’s the Wave.
But other than that, it’s managers or coaches who overthink a situation, and wind up screwing over their team as a result.
Sunday, the Royals lost to a horrendous Mariners team because Ned Yost overthought, and ultimately over-witted, his team out of a victory.
I hate when that happens.
Here’s my specific b*tches with … well, I haven’t come up with a creative expletive-laden nickname for Ned yet, but give me a few days, something will come to me.
* Bottom of the third. Tied at zeros. Alcides Escobar reaches with a base hit, one out, runner at first. Next up for the Royals is CF Jarrod Dyson, who sported a healthy .000 batting average entering the game. (And left with the same horrendous average). The speed of Escobar obviously ratted the pitcher a little, because Dyson quickly saw three straight balls. Never once in those three straight balls did Escobar hint he was going to steal. (Pinera’s pickoff move was pretty solid).
It’s a 3-0 count. Only one out, and after Dyson, you have the heart of the order coming up – Getz / Gordon / Butler. At the risk of invoking Steve Rule 34 … screw it, we are invoking it. Steve Rule 34: Anytime someone reacts to a decision with a “you’d have to be mentally retarded or named Steve to do that”, it’s probably not a good decision.
Ned Yost sends Escobar. On a 3-0 count.
Ball Four.
Escobar thrown out at second on the steal attempt.
In old right field GA, I dropped a “he can’t be this f*cking stupid!” blast. It would not be the last time on Sunday those words escaped from my mouth. Again, it’s a scoreless ballgame in the third inning. The only way you can f*ck this situation up (one on, one out, 3-0 count, heart of the order up next), is to do something so ridiculously retarded that even I have to question your sanity.
Ned Yost did it. Sadly, it wasn’t the last time he’d cause me to invoke Steve Rule 34 on Sunday …
* Bottom of the sixth, tied at one. And believe me, of all the brain farts Ned Yost had on Sunday, this one usually would top the list. Incredibly, it didn't. Because while it’s not an official Steve Rule, it might as well be dubbed number fifty two. And it would read something like this. “In NO situation, in NO circumstance, in ANY American League game, should a sacrifice bunt be employed before the bottom of the eighth inning”. Tony Pena used to drive me beyond bat sh*t crazy with his sacrifice bunting. Seriously – I went to a game in 2004 with my buddy Phil, and I think he nearly called Charter to come pick me up after I unloaded on the railing with my scorebook as Pena called his second sac bunt of the contest … in the bottom of the first inning.
Why in the name of Jesus himself would ANY American League manager employ the sacrifice bunt until it is literally a “one run clinches the win” circumstance? Why? Pitchers don’t hit in the AL. You have this thing called a “designated hitter”. Sacrifice bunting in the AL, intentionally yielding an at-bat to gain a base, is the very definition of “f*cking retarded”.
So here we are, bottom of the sixth, tied at one. I understand this was a “pitchers duel” to this point. Which is exactly the point – if you don’t factor in Sean O’Sullivan (who was unavailable) and Joakim Soria (shockingly awful so far), the Royals bullpen has an ERA of 1.36. 1.36!!! Your starter was still looking decent as well, and Francis had gone 7 IP in each start so far, allowing two runs or less. Your WORST CASE SCENARIO, based on established criteria, is that Francis has to be yanked after yielding a couple runs (which is what happened). So if your WORST CASE SCENARIO is that you need two to tie, three to win, and you’re down to either 9 or 12 outs, why in the f*ck are you WILLINGLY giving up one of those outs? Unless you’re brain dead or mentally deformed.
Dyson leads off with a walk. Here is where I could point out that Jarrod Dyson brings one thing and one thing only to the table – speed. If you’re gonna take a risk in this spot, why not try a steal or a hit and run? Why willingly give up an out if you don’t have to? It’s not like the Royals were in a “next run to score wins” mode at this point – Seattle’s entire lineup still had one more go-around at the plate!
Instead of employing any number of common sense ideas (steal, hit and run, just let Getz have a normal at-bat), Ned Yost opts to sacrifice bunt. It is “successful”, in that Dyson advances to second while Getz is thrown out 1-3. It is also “successful”, in that (a) I immediately dropped a “god f*cking damn that f*cker!” that nearly caused the nice guy I was sitting next to, to choke on his beer, and (b) the Royals immediately blew the opportunity when Ka’aihue flew out with two outs. Had Getz not sacrifice bunted, there is at least a reasonable shot Dyson scores on Ka’aihue’s fly ball. Of course, why deal with reality when we can deal with the delusional world of Ned Yost, where sacrifice bunts make sense, where a dude who hasn’t recorded a hit since September 10th bats leadoff, and where the best hitter on the roster (streaky wise, and he’s red hot right now) is batting seventh – 7th! – on Sunday. God bless it Ned, you are really, really trying my “rededication to the faith”.
* But the worst offense of all was yet to come. Top of the seventh, and Francis has hit the wall. I had him at 96 pitches when he was yanked, but the last ten hadn’t been pretty, yielding two singles and a (utterly retarded) sacrifice bunt to move the runners to second and third with one out.
I texted at the time that “what the f*ck is he thinking why wood and not jeffress in this spot”. I stand behind that text. Ned Yost opted to go with Blake Wood, making his season debut, in a tied game, with runners at second and third, over the best situational reliever the Royals have employed since Jeff Montgomery was Dan Quisenberry’s setup guy. Let me put it this way – the last time the Royals had a lights out situational reliever like Jeffress, I was in fifth grade, the house my folks still live in to this day (23 years and counting) was in the design phase, and you had to drive the gravel road of 79th Street to reach my folks subdivision where they were building. Less than a mile from Shawnee Mission Park, and it’s a f*cking gravel road. That’s how long ago it was the Royals had a dominant, no doubt about it reliever like Jeffress, a guy you’d wager your next paycheck on to get the out you need.
Instead, Yost opts to go with Wood. And to be fair, Blake Wood only allowed one runner to reach base in 2 2/3 innings of work on Sunday. Unfortunately, it was the first hitter he faced, as Brendan Ryan lined an absolute bullet into right field to drive home the lead and winning runs. I nearly got up and left, I was so incenced.
Because not only was going with Wood in that spot, at best, a Steve Rule 34 invocation, the elephant in the room was obvious and demanding to be yelled into Ned Yost’s ear. (And to Nick Bukaty’s credit, he HAMMERED Yost for said “elephant in the room” in the postgame. Absolutely tore him a new asshole over the incredible f*ck up Yost made in this spot. Amazingly, the incredible f*ck up wasn’t Blake Wood. Nope, the f*ck up was this …)
* Hang on, I want to reset this again. 2nd and 3rd, 1 out, the eighth hitter coming up. 2nd and 3rd, 1 out, tie ballgame. What would any sane, rational, “nope, I didn’t hit Jeffress’ bong before the game” manager do in that spot? Christ, even I had the common sense to b*tch about it, and I was five $9 Budweisers in at this point.
You ready? Because I’m gonna capitalize this one to emphasize just how obvious the decision here is. Again, tied at 1. Top 7. Runners at 2nd and 3rd, the eighth hitter (Brendan Ryan) in the lineup is up. His first two at bats have been ground out to third, ground out to third. (Hooray Steve being anal retentive and diligently keeping score at every game he goes to!)
Re-read the situation in the previous paragraph again. Think about it for 1/1000th of a second, and ask yourself, “Yourself, if you were faced with this situation, what would you ask your pitcher to do?” If, at this point, you don’t know what the OBVIOUS, NO DOUBT ABOUT IT decision to make regarding facing Brendan Ryan is, you need a mental health evaluation, or you have never watched a baseball game before. You ready? Here we go.
(steve and every person reading this with a functioning brain screaming as loudly as humanly possible voice) INTENTIONALLY WALK BRENDAN RYAN!!!!!!!
You intentionally walk Ryan there, right? You load the bases … but ensure the double play ball to get you out of the inning! Walking Ryan doesn’t matter – if Ryan scores, you’re probably f*cked and gonna lose anyways, and if the ninth hitter winds up doing EXACTLY WHAT HE DID, which is ground to second, you’re out of the inning STILL TIED AT 1! Christ, I mean, am I really this much smarter than the man charged with returning the Royals to their glory days?!?! I would certainly hope not.
Even the hammered (and I mean hammered) dude next to me yesterday leaned over and said “hey, why we not intentionally walking this guy” when Ryan entered the batters box for a second pitch. This dude was so far gone he had his friggin shirt off, and it was 56 and overcast at first pitch and got colder from there, that’s how sh*t faced he was. And even HE understood you intentionally walk Brendan Ryan in that spot! How is it that a drunk shirtless dude who had a really nice smell of what might have been an illegal tobacco-like product about him, how is it that a stoned drunk idiot like that grasps what our manager can’t?
Finally …
* Bottom of the eighth. Escobar leads off with a walk. You can point out that maybe we should have pinch hit Aviles for Jarrod Dyson up next, trailing 3-1, but I was ok with letting Dyson hit because I figured we’d try a hit and run. We did, and Dyson reached on a fielders choice that, to be honest, was the first horrendous call of the bottom of the eighth. I know the visual evidence showed the next hitter, Chris Getz, beat out the sacrifice bunt (more in a second), but I thought the “no doubt about it, he’s safe” play of the bottom of the eighth was Escobar sliding into second. You get a great view of any play at second from right field, and he was safe with a capital S, A, F, and E. Should have been first and second, nobody out. As it turned out, it was runner at first, one out.
And it is at this point, down 3-1, needing to manufacture something, with the heart of his lineup due up, that Ned Yost makes a sensible, reasonable, no doubt about it decision.
He sends Dyson on the second pitch. He’s safe by a wide country mile. Now we’ve got something going. Runner at second, one out, the 2-3-4 hitters on the way. The ONLY WAY to f*ck this up, is to willingly give up an out via a sacrifice to advance the runner. The ONLY WAY the Royals don’t have a shot at a big inning, at posting a 3 or 4 spot and winning this damned game, is if you decide to play for one run.
Ned Yost played for one run. You betcha, a bunt down the third base line. Now, to be fair, Getz did beat the throw, as replay showed. But ignore for a second that the play should have given the Royals a decent setup – 1st and 3rd with one out, trailing by two, with Gordon and Butler due up.
No, screw that, that’s EXACTLY what you should focus on. Ned Yost, instead of trying for 1st and 3rd with one out, with the two hottest hitters in the f*cking league due up, opted to NOT go that route, and instead wanted a runner at 3rd with 2 outs.
I don’t get it. I mean, I don’t claim to be all there mentally. Jesus, you can read this site and figure that out within two post clicks, especially if they’re Chiefs game recaps. But this, sorry folks, THIS decision was a fireable offense. Ned Yost didn’t play to win yesterday. He didn’t tank, but he sure as all hell didn’t come anywhere close to making the decisions a manager who is there to take a sledgehammer to his opponent makes.
I realize it’s just one game. I realize that nobody overreacts, in both a positive and negative way, to one game quite like I do. But yesterday was managerial incompetence at its finest. Again, kudos to Nick Bukaty for calling Ned Yost out for his mental errors yesterday. Hopefully Ned learns from this. Even the best f*ck up from time to time. I mean, Pat Riley did call a designed play for Charles Smith to try a layup with game five of the Eastern Finals on the line. If he can royally screw up like that and live to fight another day, anyone can. But yesterday, yesterday infuriated me. When you’re a team like the Royals, where you’re living on a wing and a prayer, just hoping to make it to July in contention, when the kids come up and the payroll flexibility might pay off, you simply CANNOT afford to whiz away winnable games like yesterday.
Ned Yost made at least four idiotic decisions yesterday, as documented above. The Royals lost by one. Instead of focusing on the botched call at first on Getz’ bunt, why not focus on the real question –
Why in the f*ck was Chris Getz sacrifice bunting with one man on, down by two, in the eighth inning, with Alex Gordon and Billy Butler due up next?
God forbid any member of the sports media in this town, save for Nick Bukaty, Greg Hall, and occasionally Soren Petro, address the elephant in the room …
But other than that, it’s managers or coaches who overthink a situation, and wind up screwing over their team as a result.
Sunday, the Royals lost to a horrendous Mariners team because Ned Yost overthought, and ultimately over-witted, his team out of a victory.
I hate when that happens.
Here’s my specific b*tches with … well, I haven’t come up with a creative expletive-laden nickname for Ned yet, but give me a few days, something will come to me.
* Bottom of the third. Tied at zeros. Alcides Escobar reaches with a base hit, one out, runner at first. Next up for the Royals is CF Jarrod Dyson, who sported a healthy .000 batting average entering the game. (And left with the same horrendous average). The speed of Escobar obviously ratted the pitcher a little, because Dyson quickly saw three straight balls. Never once in those three straight balls did Escobar hint he was going to steal. (Pinera’s pickoff move was pretty solid).
It’s a 3-0 count. Only one out, and after Dyson, you have the heart of the order coming up – Getz / Gordon / Butler. At the risk of invoking Steve Rule 34 … screw it, we are invoking it. Steve Rule 34: Anytime someone reacts to a decision with a “you’d have to be mentally retarded or named Steve to do that”, it’s probably not a good decision.
Ned Yost sends Escobar. On a 3-0 count.
Ball Four.
Escobar thrown out at second on the steal attempt.
In old right field GA, I dropped a “he can’t be this f*cking stupid!” blast. It would not be the last time on Sunday those words escaped from my mouth. Again, it’s a scoreless ballgame in the third inning. The only way you can f*ck this situation up (one on, one out, 3-0 count, heart of the order up next), is to do something so ridiculously retarded that even I have to question your sanity.
Ned Yost did it. Sadly, it wasn’t the last time he’d cause me to invoke Steve Rule 34 on Sunday …
* Bottom of the sixth, tied at one. And believe me, of all the brain farts Ned Yost had on Sunday, this one usually would top the list. Incredibly, it didn't. Because while it’s not an official Steve Rule, it might as well be dubbed number fifty two. And it would read something like this. “In NO situation, in NO circumstance, in ANY American League game, should a sacrifice bunt be employed before the bottom of the eighth inning”. Tony Pena used to drive me beyond bat sh*t crazy with his sacrifice bunting. Seriously – I went to a game in 2004 with my buddy Phil, and I think he nearly called Charter to come pick me up after I unloaded on the railing with my scorebook as Pena called his second sac bunt of the contest … in the bottom of the first inning.
Why in the name of Jesus himself would ANY American League manager employ the sacrifice bunt until it is literally a “one run clinches the win” circumstance? Why? Pitchers don’t hit in the AL. You have this thing called a “designated hitter”. Sacrifice bunting in the AL, intentionally yielding an at-bat to gain a base, is the very definition of “f*cking retarded”.
So here we are, bottom of the sixth, tied at one. I understand this was a “pitchers duel” to this point. Which is exactly the point – if you don’t factor in Sean O’Sullivan (who was unavailable) and Joakim Soria (shockingly awful so far), the Royals bullpen has an ERA of 1.36. 1.36!!! Your starter was still looking decent as well, and Francis had gone 7 IP in each start so far, allowing two runs or less. Your WORST CASE SCENARIO, based on established criteria, is that Francis has to be yanked after yielding a couple runs (which is what happened). So if your WORST CASE SCENARIO is that you need two to tie, three to win, and you’re down to either 9 or 12 outs, why in the f*ck are you WILLINGLY giving up one of those outs? Unless you’re brain dead or mentally deformed.
Dyson leads off with a walk. Here is where I could point out that Jarrod Dyson brings one thing and one thing only to the table – speed. If you’re gonna take a risk in this spot, why not try a steal or a hit and run? Why willingly give up an out if you don’t have to? It’s not like the Royals were in a “next run to score wins” mode at this point – Seattle’s entire lineup still had one more go-around at the plate!
Instead of employing any number of common sense ideas (steal, hit and run, just let Getz have a normal at-bat), Ned Yost opts to sacrifice bunt. It is “successful”, in that Dyson advances to second while Getz is thrown out 1-3. It is also “successful”, in that (a) I immediately dropped a “god f*cking damn that f*cker!” that nearly caused the nice guy I was sitting next to, to choke on his beer, and (b) the Royals immediately blew the opportunity when Ka’aihue flew out with two outs. Had Getz not sacrifice bunted, there is at least a reasonable shot Dyson scores on Ka’aihue’s fly ball. Of course, why deal with reality when we can deal with the delusional world of Ned Yost, where sacrifice bunts make sense, where a dude who hasn’t recorded a hit since September 10th bats leadoff, and where the best hitter on the roster (streaky wise, and he’s red hot right now) is batting seventh – 7th! – on Sunday. God bless it Ned, you are really, really trying my “rededication to the faith”.
* But the worst offense of all was yet to come. Top of the seventh, and Francis has hit the wall. I had him at 96 pitches when he was yanked, but the last ten hadn’t been pretty, yielding two singles and a (utterly retarded) sacrifice bunt to move the runners to second and third with one out.
I texted at the time that “what the f*ck is he thinking why wood and not jeffress in this spot”. I stand behind that text. Ned Yost opted to go with Blake Wood, making his season debut, in a tied game, with runners at second and third, over the best situational reliever the Royals have employed since Jeff Montgomery was Dan Quisenberry’s setup guy. Let me put it this way – the last time the Royals had a lights out situational reliever like Jeffress, I was in fifth grade, the house my folks still live in to this day (23 years and counting) was in the design phase, and you had to drive the gravel road of 79th Street to reach my folks subdivision where they were building. Less than a mile from Shawnee Mission Park, and it’s a f*cking gravel road. That’s how long ago it was the Royals had a dominant, no doubt about it reliever like Jeffress, a guy you’d wager your next paycheck on to get the out you need.
Instead, Yost opts to go with Wood. And to be fair, Blake Wood only allowed one runner to reach base in 2 2/3 innings of work on Sunday. Unfortunately, it was the first hitter he faced, as Brendan Ryan lined an absolute bullet into right field to drive home the lead and winning runs. I nearly got up and left, I was so incenced.
Because not only was going with Wood in that spot, at best, a Steve Rule 34 invocation, the elephant in the room was obvious and demanding to be yelled into Ned Yost’s ear. (And to Nick Bukaty’s credit, he HAMMERED Yost for said “elephant in the room” in the postgame. Absolutely tore him a new asshole over the incredible f*ck up Yost made in this spot. Amazingly, the incredible f*ck up wasn’t Blake Wood. Nope, the f*ck up was this …)
* Hang on, I want to reset this again. 2nd and 3rd, 1 out, the eighth hitter coming up. 2nd and 3rd, 1 out, tie ballgame. What would any sane, rational, “nope, I didn’t hit Jeffress’ bong before the game” manager do in that spot? Christ, even I had the common sense to b*tch about it, and I was five $9 Budweisers in at this point.
You ready? Because I’m gonna capitalize this one to emphasize just how obvious the decision here is. Again, tied at 1. Top 7. Runners at 2nd and 3rd, the eighth hitter (Brendan Ryan) in the lineup is up. His first two at bats have been ground out to third, ground out to third. (Hooray Steve being anal retentive and diligently keeping score at every game he goes to!)
Re-read the situation in the previous paragraph again. Think about it for 1/1000th of a second, and ask yourself, “Yourself, if you were faced with this situation, what would you ask your pitcher to do?” If, at this point, you don’t know what the OBVIOUS, NO DOUBT ABOUT IT decision to make regarding facing Brendan Ryan is, you need a mental health evaluation, or you have never watched a baseball game before. You ready? Here we go.
(steve and every person reading this with a functioning brain screaming as loudly as humanly possible voice) INTENTIONALLY WALK BRENDAN RYAN!!!!!!!
You intentionally walk Ryan there, right? You load the bases … but ensure the double play ball to get you out of the inning! Walking Ryan doesn’t matter – if Ryan scores, you’re probably f*cked and gonna lose anyways, and if the ninth hitter winds up doing EXACTLY WHAT HE DID, which is ground to second, you’re out of the inning STILL TIED AT 1! Christ, I mean, am I really this much smarter than the man charged with returning the Royals to their glory days?!?! I would certainly hope not.
Even the hammered (and I mean hammered) dude next to me yesterday leaned over and said “hey, why we not intentionally walking this guy” when Ryan entered the batters box for a second pitch. This dude was so far gone he had his friggin shirt off, and it was 56 and overcast at first pitch and got colder from there, that’s how sh*t faced he was. And even HE understood you intentionally walk Brendan Ryan in that spot! How is it that a drunk shirtless dude who had a really nice smell of what might have been an illegal tobacco-like product about him, how is it that a stoned drunk idiot like that grasps what our manager can’t?
Finally …
* Bottom of the eighth. Escobar leads off with a walk. You can point out that maybe we should have pinch hit Aviles for Jarrod Dyson up next, trailing 3-1, but I was ok with letting Dyson hit because I figured we’d try a hit and run. We did, and Dyson reached on a fielders choice that, to be honest, was the first horrendous call of the bottom of the eighth. I know the visual evidence showed the next hitter, Chris Getz, beat out the sacrifice bunt (more in a second), but I thought the “no doubt about it, he’s safe” play of the bottom of the eighth was Escobar sliding into second. You get a great view of any play at second from right field, and he was safe with a capital S, A, F, and E. Should have been first and second, nobody out. As it turned out, it was runner at first, one out.
And it is at this point, down 3-1, needing to manufacture something, with the heart of his lineup due up, that Ned Yost makes a sensible, reasonable, no doubt about it decision.
He sends Dyson on the second pitch. He’s safe by a wide country mile. Now we’ve got something going. Runner at second, one out, the 2-3-4 hitters on the way. The ONLY WAY to f*ck this up, is to willingly give up an out via a sacrifice to advance the runner. The ONLY WAY the Royals don’t have a shot at a big inning, at posting a 3 or 4 spot and winning this damned game, is if you decide to play for one run.
Ned Yost played for one run. You betcha, a bunt down the third base line. Now, to be fair, Getz did beat the throw, as replay showed. But ignore for a second that the play should have given the Royals a decent setup – 1st and 3rd with one out, trailing by two, with Gordon and Butler due up.
No, screw that, that’s EXACTLY what you should focus on. Ned Yost, instead of trying for 1st and 3rd with one out, with the two hottest hitters in the f*cking league due up, opted to NOT go that route, and instead wanted a runner at 3rd with 2 outs.
I don’t get it. I mean, I don’t claim to be all there mentally. Jesus, you can read this site and figure that out within two post clicks, especially if they’re Chiefs game recaps. But this, sorry folks, THIS decision was a fireable offense. Ned Yost didn’t play to win yesterday. He didn’t tank, but he sure as all hell didn’t come anywhere close to making the decisions a manager who is there to take a sledgehammer to his opponent makes.
I realize it’s just one game. I realize that nobody overreacts, in both a positive and negative way, to one game quite like I do. But yesterday was managerial incompetence at its finest. Again, kudos to Nick Bukaty for calling Ned Yost out for his mental errors yesterday. Hopefully Ned learns from this. Even the best f*ck up from time to time. I mean, Pat Riley did call a designed play for Charles Smith to try a layup with game five of the Eastern Finals on the line. If he can royally screw up like that and live to fight another day, anyone can. But yesterday, yesterday infuriated me. When you’re a team like the Royals, where you’re living on a wing and a prayer, just hoping to make it to July in contention, when the kids come up and the payroll flexibility might pay off, you simply CANNOT afford to whiz away winnable games like yesterday.
Ned Yost made at least four idiotic decisions yesterday, as documented above. The Royals lost by one. Instead of focusing on the botched call at first on Getz’ bunt, why not focus on the real question –
Why in the f*ck was Chris Getz sacrifice bunting with one man on, down by two, in the eighth inning, with Alex Gordon and Billy Butler due up next?
God forbid any member of the sports media in this town, save for Nick Bukaty, Greg Hall, and occasionally Soren Petro, address the elephant in the room …
Friday, April 15, 2011
a "fan ... tastic!" post
I can be a strange person at times.
I know, I know, that's a shocking statement. You can pick your jaws up off the floor now. But I certainly am a little bit different at times.
For example, as I type this post up, I'm listening to my iPod. The last six songs, in order, to pop up: "Slow Hand" by Conway Twitty, "He Got Game" by Public Enemy, "Mad" by Ne-Yo, "Hands Held High" by Linkin Park, "The Horizon Has Been Defeated" by Jack Johnson, and "God Only Knows" by the Beach Boys. I defy anyone to come up with a play list more diverse.
(Side Rant Numero Uno: for pure comedic value, again, just for pure comedic value ... has there ever been a more hilarious song recorded than "Slow Hand" by Conway Twitty? The entire premise of the song is funny enough. But to have a sixty something year old Conway Twitty praising through song his ability to get a chick off via said "slow hand"? It's just priceless. I bust out loud laughing every time I hear this song. It's just fifty levels of awesome. Plus, the way Conway sings it, especially as you reach the end, it's a freaking lounge act. You can picture the boozy piano player, the smoke filled room, and Conway working the stage like a carnival barker).
But perhaps my strangest trait, and God knows there's like 50,000 of them to choose from, is that I am absolutely addicted to the NBA. I grew up in and still live in KC, the college hoops mecca of the nation ... and I'd choose to watch a pro game 100 times out of 100 when given the choice between college or pros. Don't get me wrong, I like the college game, but I love the pro game.
And starting Saturday at high noon, when the Bulls and Pacers tip things off at the United Center, my favorite stretch of sporting action every year begins. Forty Games in Forty Nights. Forty straight days of Chuck Barkley, Kenny Smith, Chris "Big ... Bigger ..." Webber! and (hopefully) Jalen Rose hogging the nation's television screens. Forty straight days of "Yes! And it counts!" by Marv Albert, "Oh Baby What a Play!" out of Kevin Harlan, forty straight days of the best color commentator crew in all of pro sports (Mike Breen, Jeff Van Gundy, Mark Jackson). I love it.
(Side rant numero dos: please unsuspend Mr. Rose for the playoffs, ESPN. We all make dumb mistakes in life. Who amongst us hasn't hit a stop sign after driving off a road doing 80 mph with a BAC of .21? Come on. Unsuspend the dude already).
So, here's my NBA Playoff Predictions for Round One. And a few other assorted thoughts for what might happen after that ...
(all tip-off times CDT)
Eastern Conference:
1 Bulls vs 8 Pacers
Game 1: at Chicago, noon, Saturday April 16 (ESPN)
Game 2: at Chicago, 8:30pm, Monday April 18 (TNT)
Game 3: at Indiana, 6pm, Thursday April 21 (NBATV)
Game 4: at Indiana, 1:30pm, Saturday April 23 (TNT)
I stopped listing the games at four, because that's all the Bulls are going to need. Six months ago, nobody saw this Bulls juggernaut coming. They certainly were an intriguing team -- young, talented, entertaining as hell to watch. They signed Carlos Boozer, hired Tom Thibodeau to replace the nitwit Vinny Del Negro, and given the weak division the Bulls play in, certainly you could have seen a top three seed and maybe putting the fear of God into someone in round two.
But this? Top seed in the East? Home court advantage throughout the playoffs? What a great year to be a Bulls fan! (Which I most assuredly am not. I loathe and despise the Bulls. I still have nightmares of Charles Smith bricking three straight layups to p*ss away game five of the 1993 Eastern Finals).
The Pacers also are a young team on the rise. But they're in the same spot the Bulls were a couple years ago -- making their postseason debut, facing a vastly superior team that is better than them at every spot on the floor, and has a discernable coaching advantage as well. I think the Pacers put up a fight, if only because I don't buy into this Bulls team yet. I wouldn't even be all that surprised if the Pacers take one at home (the only divisional game the Bulls lost all season, was to the Pacers three weeks ago at Conseco). But win this series? No freaking way. Not unless Carlos Boozer, Derrick Rose, and Joakim Noah are all kidnapped and held for ransom at an undisclosed location for the entire series. And even then, I'd still probably take Chicago in six. Since nobody wants to see a federal crime go down, I'll say all three guys make it to the arena on time, and cruise from there.
Bulls in four.
2 Heat vs 7 76ers
Game 1: at Miami, 2:30pm, Saturday April 16 (ABC)
Game 2: at Miami, 6pm, Monday April 18 (TNT)
Game 3: at Philly, 7pm, Thursday April 21 (TNT)
Game 4: at Philly, noon, Sunday April 24 (ABC)
Unlike the Bulls / Pacers series, this one will need additional games, but since they're all still TBA on the official schedule, I'll just add the first four.
The 76ers can absolutely win this series. I know that sounds ridiculous, but all the Heat have are the MoHeatos. All they have is LBJ, Wade, and Bosh. Which, granted, is one helluva core, and is capable of beating anyone, anywhere, anytime. And I do expect Miami to eventually pull through and win this series. I just think it's gonna be a helluva lot tougher than anyone outside of the 76ers locker room thinks it's going to be.
Philly is a tough defensive team. They will get physical when LeBron drives the lane. They will hammer Wade as he drives baseline. Also, the 76ers are a great story in and of themselves. After opening 1-13, they finished at .500. That's a 40-28 close to the season. Not too shabby. They had a winning record in a division that includes Boston and New York, they went 26-15 at home, and they were .500 in the conference. After starting 1-13. Immense credit to Doug Collins for not letting this team quit, and instead somehow coaxing solid seasons out of Elton Brand's corpse, Andre Igoudala, and Jrue Holliday.
If the 76ers can steal game one or two, it could be a replay of two years ago, when they stole game one in Orlando, and took the Magic to a sixth game before the far-superior Magic finally emerged victorious. I envision something similar this year. Philly gets to game five tied at two, before dropping the final two to let the Heat advance.
Heat in six.
3 Celtics vs 6 Knicks
Game 1: at Boston, 6pm, Sunday April 17 (TNT).
Game 2: at Boston, 6pm, Tuesday April 19 (TNT).
Game 3: at New York, 6pm, Friday April 22 (ESPN).
Game 4: at New York, 2:30pm, Sunday April 24 (ABC).
The key to this series, and possibly the key to how the entire Eastern Conference postseason is going to play out, is game two.
I fully expect the Celtics to win game one, probably comfortably. Playing at home, looking to establish themselves as still the team to beat in the East, I expect a rock solid effort that will simply overwhelm the Knicks. In game one.
Game two, however, is another story. Game two is where the series really begins, where you begin to scheme and adjust for what has been thrown at you. You know what to expect from the crowd, from the court, from the rims. It's when you begin to relax and just play.
And when the Knicks and Celtics simply start to play ... I really, really like the Knicks. The Celtics biggest advantage would seem to be at the point, where Rajon Rondo is still growing into his prime, and the aging Chauncey Billups is still feeling his way into the lineup for New York. But be honest -- do you really expect Billups to suck? Do you really expect Rondo to drop a 25/10 on a proven playoff winner like Chauncey Billups? I don't. I think Chauncey rises to the occasion (more specifically, I think Toney Douglas continues his ridiculous three point barrage of the last month -- dude's hitting over 50% from three land since the Melo deal. That's insane), and the Knicks steal game two.
And send it back to the best home court advantage in the League for games three and four. What, you don't think the Gahden will be filled to the ceiling with Knicks fans who've waited ten freaking years to watch their team win a playoff game? For the first time since that awful elimination game against the Raptors in 2001 that destroyed the franchise in it's aftermath, the Knicks are relevant again. They're decent. And if you give Knicks fans a reason to believe, just a reason to hope, nobody can carry a team like they can. The Gahden is a magical place when the Knicks are good. It's a truly magical place when the Knicks are in the playoffs.
This is my one Eastern Conference upset. I don't care that the Knicks couldn't stop a junior high team from scoring 110 points. It's a Mike D'Antoni coached team. Defense is a dirty word. I'm more interested in seeing how the hell the Celtics are going to stop Melo and Amare. I'm more interested in seeing how the Celtics react when the Knicks go small and throw Landry Fields and Toney Douglas onto the court. And I'm really interested in seeing if a team that went 11-11 after the Kendrick Perkins trade can turn it on again in the playoffs, like last year.
My completely uneducated guess is that they won't. My completely biased prediction is that by midway through the fourth quarter of game six, I'll be waving that 99 Finals run towel like a moron, yelling at my television screen what 18,300 plus fired up Knicks fans are chanting in the Gahden:
"Beat Miami! (clap clap clap clap clap!) Beat Miami! (clap clap clap clap clap)"
Knicks in six.
4 Magic vs 5 Hawks
Game 1: at Orlando, 6pm, Saturday April 16 (ESPN).
Game 2: at Orlando, 6:30pm, Tuesday April 19 (NBATV).
Game 3: at Atlanta, 7pm, Friday April 22 (ESPN2).
Game 4: at Atlanta, 6pm, Sunday April 24 (TNT).
There's no need to spend more than about a hundred words discussing this series. It's a horrendous mismatch. The Magic swept the Hawks last year in the second round, winning every game by at least twenty points. If the exact same thing doesn't happen this year, I will be shocked. The only thing more shocking than Atlanta staying within 20 points for even one game, will be if I watch more than 20 minutes of this series. Wake me up when the second round begins.
Magic in four.
Western Conference:
1 Spurs vs 8 Grizzlies
Game 1: at San Antonio, noon, Sunday April 17 (TNT).
Game 2: at San Antonio, 7:30pm, Wednesday April 20 (NBATV).
Game 3: at Memphis, 6:30pm, Saturday April 23 (ESPN).
Game 4: at Memphis, TBD, Monday April 25 (TBD).
I find it somewhat surprising that this is the only first round series that doesn't have four games set in stone already. The eight seed has advanced past round one only three times in NBA playoff history: the 1994 Denver Nuggets (over the Seattle Sonics 3-2), the 2007 Golden State Warriors (over the Dallas Mavericks 4-2), and the only eight seed to ever win a series after that first round, the 1999 Knicks (who beat Miami 3-2, Atlanta 4-0, and Indiana 4-2 to reach the Finals, where they lost 4-1 to the Spurs).
Memphis is fully capable of winning this series. Again, I know that looks preposterous. They finished 20 games behind the Spurs in the standings. One of their key players (Rudy Gay) is out. And the Grizzlies have won a grand total of zero, zip, nada playoff games in their franchise history (they're 0-12).
This is a sneaky good Grizzlies team. They're entertaining as hell to watch. Even OJ Mayo, who so thoroughly disgusts me as a player and as a human being, even he's starting to grow on me. I'd really like to pick the upset here. But I see this one playing out like Philly / Miami. Tied at two after four games, with the better team winning the last two to end it and advance.
Spurs in six.
2 Lakers vs 7 Hornets
Game 1: at Los Angeles, 2:30pm, Sunday April 17 (ABC).
Game 2: at Los Angeles, 9:30pm, Wednesday April 20 (TNT).
Game 3: at New Orleans, 8:30pm, Friday April 22 (ESPN).
Game 4: at New Orleans, 8:30pm, Sunday April 24 (TNT).
This is by far and away the biggest mismatch on the board. The Hornets are dead in the water without David West, who went down a couple weeks ago with a knee. The Lakers aren't losing this series. The only question is if the Hornets can win one of the two at home. I say they won't. Which then leads to the real question involving the Hornets -- is game four the last time the Hornets will play as the home team in New Orleans?
Lakers in four.
3 Mavericks vs 6 Trail Blazers
Game 1: at Dallas, 8:30pm, Saturday April 16 (ESPN).
Game 2: at Dallas, 8:30pm, Tuesday April 19 (TNT).
Game 3: at Portland, 9:30pm, Thursday April 21 (TNT).
Game 4: at Portland, 4pm, Saturday April 23 (TNT).
Ooh. Ooh, ooh, ooh. This is gonna be a fun little series. A Dallas team that seemed to be getting better as the season ended (winding up tied for second in the conference) facing the one team in the West that all the experts seem to think can spring a first round upset. The Blazers are extremely well-coached, they've got talent, and they've got a great home court advantage, all things you could say about nearly every Blazers team since the mid 1980s, including during the Jail Blazer era. And yet, despite that, the Blazers haven't won a playoff series since they beat Utah in the 2000 Western semis. At some point, they have to put the epic Game 7 collapse that year behind them and win a freaking series, right?
(Side note numero tres, and I can't believe I'm only on number three so far: that 2000 Portland team is the last, and I believe only, time in my life when I rooted for the Lakers to win. I am no fan of the Lakers. I am certainly no fan of Kobe Bean Bryant. But that 1999-2000 Blazers team had my most hated player ever as it's face, the utterly unlovable scottie pippen. I will always root for that guy to lose. Always. I laughed my ass off when he had to auction off his valuables and his home because he's now broke and destitute. Good. Go to hell scottie. Go to hell. And yes, my hatred of scottie pippen is directly and completely tied to his multiple fouls he committed on Charles Smith during Chuckie's botched layup drill in game 5 of the 93 Eastern Finals. Yet another reason I'm strange -- 18 years later, and I'm still b*tching about how pippen got away with hammering Chuckie on the back of the head on his third and final attempt. I need therapy).
I really like this Mavs team in this situation though. Gotta give credit where it's due -- this is the 11th consecutive season the Mavericks have won 50 games or more. Every season since the lockout, they've won at least 50 and been in the playoffs. The only other team that can say that is the Spurs. If this is the Mavs last gasp for a while, and you gotta figure that this year or next is that proverbial last gasp, then hopefully they at least get one final crack at the Lakers before the party's over.
Mavs in seven.
4 Thunder vs 5 Nuggets
Game 1: at Oklahoma City, 8:30pm, Sunday April 17 (TNT).
Game 2: at Oklahoma City, 7pm, Wednesday April 20 (TNT).
Game 3: at Denver, 9pm, Saturday April 23 (ESPN).
Game 4: at Denver, 9:30pm, Monday April 25 (TNT).
Of all the first round matchups, this one might be the best.
The Nuggets went 19-7 after the Carmelo trade. They play an up-tempo game that's entertaining as hell to watch. And how can you not love the story of George Karl, overcoming life-threatening throat cancer to return to the sideline and somehow coax 50 wins out of a squad that traded away (arguably) it's two best players at the deadline?
(Side note numero quatro: it's very, very weird to capitalize the word Denver. Really, really weird).
The Thunder also are entertaining as hell to watch, figure to be the West's dominant power over the next five to six years, are extremely well run and coached, and feature a rising stud named Kevin Durant to boot. This is a really entertaining as hell team to watch. And yes, I prefer watching hoops teams that are "entertaining as hell", versus "set the sport back 55 years", like Butler did in the national championship game.
I'll chicken out and say home court holds, each team wins out at home, and the Thunder advance. But can I see Denver winning game one, getting up 3-1 at the Pepsi Center, and then closing it out in six at home? Absolutely.
Thunder in seven.
Some final parting NBA thoughts ...
* The MVP has to be Derrick Rose. Look it, I'm a stats geek, so I understand the pro-Dwight Howard argument. But give me a break. Chicago is lucky to go 35-47 and sneak in as the eight seed without Rose on the roster, and everybody knows it. Isn't that what the MVP should be? The most VALUABLE player? I say it should be. Give him a Tommy Point for his regular season, and now let's see him back it up when it counts.
* The only thing that blows about the NBA postseason? The same as with every other postseason in sports, save for the NFL -- no more local announcers. Subtract fifteen Tommy Points for that. I can't believe that the golden whiskey sour and Marlboro red tainted pipes of Tommy Heinsolm are silenced until ... well, it'll be awhile, who knows how long this roo-eenus lockout coming July 1 is going to last.
* Coach of the Year, good God, how do you vote? George Karl nearly dies, yet milks 50 wins out of a roster with 30 win talent. Tom Thibodeau improves Chicago by 20 plus games in year one despite not having Carlos Boozer and Joakim Noah for huge chunks of the season. Doug Collins takes a 1-13 Sixers squad and reaches .500, solidly in the postseason field. Gregg Popovich somehow willing an aging Spurs team to the top seed in the West, again. I'd probably draw a name out of a hat, not sure I could pick any of these guys over the other fairly.
* Worst Coach of the Year, without question, goes to Larry Drew in Atlanta, who took a promising Hawks team that's reached the second round of the playoffs two years in a row, and had improved its win total eight straight years, to a 44-38 (8 games worse than last year) record, and an almost certain first round catastrophe against the Magic. Thanks for playing Larry. Unlike your son though, at least you didn't quit on your team. (Although his team pretty much has quit on him).
* Most disappointing team has to go to the Milwaukee Bucks. I was probably too optimistic when I saw 52 wins and a Central Division championship in their preseason future. But there's no excuse for what the season turned into. Yes, the Bucks had injuries, but so did the Bulls, and they played through it. No excuse for what happened at the Fortress on Fourth this year. You don't blow it up over one disappointing season, but it would behoove Scotty Skiles to get this team back into the playoffs whenever the hell the next League season is.
* If James Dolan really lets Donnie Walsh walk and rehires Isiah Thomas to run the Knicks, as everyone seems to think is going to happen, he officially becomes the dumbest idiot of all time. This revisionist history that Jason Whitlock and others have seemed to take regarding Zeke's post-career legacy is absolutely insane. The bottom line is this: the CBA was a profitable, functioning minor league before Thomas took it over. It ceased to exist two years later. The Indiana Pacers were coming off three straight Eastern Finals appearances and a NBA Finals loss to the Lakers when Thomas took over as coach. They went .500, then missed the playoffs altogether. The Knicks weren't great when Zeke took over, but they sure as all hell weren't $69 million over the cap, out of first round draft picks until 2012, and carrying a 370lb deadweight named Eddy Curry on the roster. Not to mention such winning acquisitions as Stephon Marbury, Stevie Francis, Penny Hardaway, Jerome James, and Jalen Rose, whose combined salaries coupled with the luxury tax paid to acquire said salaries was just about large enough to purchase the Hornets and move them to the Sprint Centre. Isiah Thomas is a good guy, and a helluva player. He's also the lousiest executive to run a "company" since Roger B. Smith was given control of General Motors.
* Second round predictions: Bulls over Magic in five, Knicks over Heat in six; Spurs over Thunder in five, Mavs over Lakers in six.
* Conference final predictions: Bulls over Knicks in seven; Mavs over Spurs in six.
(Side note number five: if this predicted Eastern Final happens as predicted, just assume I need to be put on a 24 hour suicide watch. Remove my belt, shoe laces, and any loose sheets near me to prevent a hanging. Remove all knives, guns, and other assorted objects of violence from my possession. Just please leave the alcohol available and in plain sight, because I will definitely be going on a bender. I honestly don't think I can handle another f*cking loss to those f*ckers in the Eastern Finals. I really don't think I can take it. Again, I need therapy. Badly).
(Side note number six: this thing is what, almost 5 pages in at this point, and those were the first two f bombs. I never thought I'd see a post where it took five pages before I dropped my favorite word. Either I'm maturing, or that was an incredible brain fart. I'm going with the latter. After all, f*ck is the only word in the English language that can be used as all eight types of speech! It can be used as a noun, verb, pronoun, adjective, adverb, preposition, interjection, and conjunction. Granted, the verb usage is the most fun, but you gotta love that no matter how you use the word, it's technically grammatically correct! There's your neat f*cking trivia fact of this post).
* NBA Finals prediction: Mavericks over Bulls in six. Here's to hoping Mark Cuban dedicates the O'Brien Trophy to "all of our high-quality officials working these Finals". Especially if Bennett Salvatore is your lead ref.
* And in case you think I'm deranged, loony, and or delusional because I have the Mavs winning it all (or even more delusionally, have the Knicks within a game of the Finals), remember -- I'm the dude who called Celtics over Cavs in six three f*cking weeks before it happened, at a point in time when even the Sports Guy was picking the Heat to upset the Celtics in round one. Although if you still want to think I'm deranged, loony, and or delusional, that's cool, because I pretty much am.
* Also, I blasted the Conway Twitty "Slow Hand" song last year as well in the above linked post. Some classics never change. Especially when a sixty year old guy is bragging about his "awesome hands". Somewhere, my ex-neighbor Taylor is jealous.
* Sportsline has up a pretty solid article by Matt Moore regarding the Kings' potential relocation. I say "pretty solid", because while Mr. Moore is 100 percent correct that it's beyond despicable what the Maloofs are attempting to do, the bottom line is that the residents of Sacramento and surrounding communities have had a decade to deal with the arena issue. They've had ten freaking years to build a new arena for the Kings, and every time it's been voted down, either by the public or the City Council. So while I feel for Kings fans potentially losing their team, look in the mirror guys. This isn't Seattle, where the resident did pony up millions of dollars to completely overhaul Key Arena, only to see the team still walk out on them. You've had 10 damned years to get something in place. If the Kings wind up bolting for Anaheim, it's nobody's fault but the fans. You want your team? Great. But it comes with a price.
* Having said that, I still don't think the Board of Governors is gonna sign off on this. I find it extremely interesting that in a league where David Stern fines owners and players obscene amounts of money every day for comments made in public, that he has not said one word about Phil Jackson slamming the relocation every day, or on the good doctor, Jerry Buss, publically calling on the League to reject the move.
* "Darlin', don't say a word! I've already heard! What your body's sayin' to mine. If you want all night, you know it's all right -- I got time! You want a man with a slow hand! You want a lover with an easy touch! You want somebody who will spend some time with you baby, not come and go in a heated rush. Baby believe me, I understand (ooh ooh) -- when it comes to love, you want a slow hand!" (steve busting out laughing at the ridiculousness of "Slow Hand" by Conway Twitty ...)
I know, I know, that's a shocking statement. You can pick your jaws up off the floor now. But I certainly am a little bit different at times.
For example, as I type this post up, I'm listening to my iPod. The last six songs, in order, to pop up: "Slow Hand" by Conway Twitty, "He Got Game" by Public Enemy, "Mad" by Ne-Yo, "Hands Held High" by Linkin Park, "The Horizon Has Been Defeated" by Jack Johnson, and "God Only Knows" by the Beach Boys. I defy anyone to come up with a play list more diverse.
(Side Rant Numero Uno: for pure comedic value, again, just for pure comedic value ... has there ever been a more hilarious song recorded than "Slow Hand" by Conway Twitty? The entire premise of the song is funny enough. But to have a sixty something year old Conway Twitty praising through song his ability to get a chick off via said "slow hand"? It's just priceless. I bust out loud laughing every time I hear this song. It's just fifty levels of awesome. Plus, the way Conway sings it, especially as you reach the end, it's a freaking lounge act. You can picture the boozy piano player, the smoke filled room, and Conway working the stage like a carnival barker).
But perhaps my strangest trait, and God knows there's like 50,000 of them to choose from, is that I am absolutely addicted to the NBA. I grew up in and still live in KC, the college hoops mecca of the nation ... and I'd choose to watch a pro game 100 times out of 100 when given the choice between college or pros. Don't get me wrong, I like the college game, but I love the pro game.
And starting Saturday at high noon, when the Bulls and Pacers tip things off at the United Center, my favorite stretch of sporting action every year begins. Forty Games in Forty Nights. Forty straight days of Chuck Barkley, Kenny Smith, Chris "Big ... Bigger ..." Webber! and (hopefully) Jalen Rose hogging the nation's television screens. Forty straight days of "Yes! And it counts!" by Marv Albert, "Oh Baby What a Play!" out of Kevin Harlan, forty straight days of the best color commentator crew in all of pro sports (Mike Breen, Jeff Van Gundy, Mark Jackson). I love it.
(Side rant numero dos: please unsuspend Mr. Rose for the playoffs, ESPN. We all make dumb mistakes in life. Who amongst us hasn't hit a stop sign after driving off a road doing 80 mph with a BAC of .21? Come on. Unsuspend the dude already).
So, here's my NBA Playoff Predictions for Round One. And a few other assorted thoughts for what might happen after that ...
(all tip-off times CDT)
Eastern Conference:
1 Bulls vs 8 Pacers
Game 1: at Chicago, noon, Saturday April 16 (ESPN)
Game 2: at Chicago, 8:30pm, Monday April 18 (TNT)
Game 3: at Indiana, 6pm, Thursday April 21 (NBATV)
Game 4: at Indiana, 1:30pm, Saturday April 23 (TNT)
I stopped listing the games at four, because that's all the Bulls are going to need. Six months ago, nobody saw this Bulls juggernaut coming. They certainly were an intriguing team -- young, talented, entertaining as hell to watch. They signed Carlos Boozer, hired Tom Thibodeau to replace the nitwit Vinny Del Negro, and given the weak division the Bulls play in, certainly you could have seen a top three seed and maybe putting the fear of God into someone in round two.
But this? Top seed in the East? Home court advantage throughout the playoffs? What a great year to be a Bulls fan! (Which I most assuredly am not. I loathe and despise the Bulls. I still have nightmares of Charles Smith bricking three straight layups to p*ss away game five of the 1993 Eastern Finals).
The Pacers also are a young team on the rise. But they're in the same spot the Bulls were a couple years ago -- making their postseason debut, facing a vastly superior team that is better than them at every spot on the floor, and has a discernable coaching advantage as well. I think the Pacers put up a fight, if only because I don't buy into this Bulls team yet. I wouldn't even be all that surprised if the Pacers take one at home (the only divisional game the Bulls lost all season, was to the Pacers three weeks ago at Conseco). But win this series? No freaking way. Not unless Carlos Boozer, Derrick Rose, and Joakim Noah are all kidnapped and held for ransom at an undisclosed location for the entire series. And even then, I'd still probably take Chicago in six. Since nobody wants to see a federal crime go down, I'll say all three guys make it to the arena on time, and cruise from there.
Bulls in four.
2 Heat vs 7 76ers
Game 1: at Miami, 2:30pm, Saturday April 16 (ABC)
Game 2: at Miami, 6pm, Monday April 18 (TNT)
Game 3: at Philly, 7pm, Thursday April 21 (TNT)
Game 4: at Philly, noon, Sunday April 24 (ABC)
Unlike the Bulls / Pacers series, this one will need additional games, but since they're all still TBA on the official schedule, I'll just add the first four.
The 76ers can absolutely win this series. I know that sounds ridiculous, but all the Heat have are the MoHeatos. All they have is LBJ, Wade, and Bosh. Which, granted, is one helluva core, and is capable of beating anyone, anywhere, anytime. And I do expect Miami to eventually pull through and win this series. I just think it's gonna be a helluva lot tougher than anyone outside of the 76ers locker room thinks it's going to be.
Philly is a tough defensive team. They will get physical when LeBron drives the lane. They will hammer Wade as he drives baseline. Also, the 76ers are a great story in and of themselves. After opening 1-13, they finished at .500. That's a 40-28 close to the season. Not too shabby. They had a winning record in a division that includes Boston and New York, they went 26-15 at home, and they were .500 in the conference. After starting 1-13. Immense credit to Doug Collins for not letting this team quit, and instead somehow coaxing solid seasons out of Elton Brand's corpse, Andre Igoudala, and Jrue Holliday.
If the 76ers can steal game one or two, it could be a replay of two years ago, when they stole game one in Orlando, and took the Magic to a sixth game before the far-superior Magic finally emerged victorious. I envision something similar this year. Philly gets to game five tied at two, before dropping the final two to let the Heat advance.
Heat in six.
3 Celtics vs 6 Knicks
Game 1: at Boston, 6pm, Sunday April 17 (TNT).
Game 2: at Boston, 6pm, Tuesday April 19 (TNT).
Game 3: at New York, 6pm, Friday April 22 (ESPN).
Game 4: at New York, 2:30pm, Sunday April 24 (ABC).
The key to this series, and possibly the key to how the entire Eastern Conference postseason is going to play out, is game two.
I fully expect the Celtics to win game one, probably comfortably. Playing at home, looking to establish themselves as still the team to beat in the East, I expect a rock solid effort that will simply overwhelm the Knicks. In game one.
Game two, however, is another story. Game two is where the series really begins, where you begin to scheme and adjust for what has been thrown at you. You know what to expect from the crowd, from the court, from the rims. It's when you begin to relax and just play.
And when the Knicks and Celtics simply start to play ... I really, really like the Knicks. The Celtics biggest advantage would seem to be at the point, where Rajon Rondo is still growing into his prime, and the aging Chauncey Billups is still feeling his way into the lineup for New York. But be honest -- do you really expect Billups to suck? Do you really expect Rondo to drop a 25/10 on a proven playoff winner like Chauncey Billups? I don't. I think Chauncey rises to the occasion (more specifically, I think Toney Douglas continues his ridiculous three point barrage of the last month -- dude's hitting over 50% from three land since the Melo deal. That's insane), and the Knicks steal game two.
And send it back to the best home court advantage in the League for games three and four. What, you don't think the Gahden will be filled to the ceiling with Knicks fans who've waited ten freaking years to watch their team win a playoff game? For the first time since that awful elimination game against the Raptors in 2001 that destroyed the franchise in it's aftermath, the Knicks are relevant again. They're decent. And if you give Knicks fans a reason to believe, just a reason to hope, nobody can carry a team like they can. The Gahden is a magical place when the Knicks are good. It's a truly magical place when the Knicks are in the playoffs.
This is my one Eastern Conference upset. I don't care that the Knicks couldn't stop a junior high team from scoring 110 points. It's a Mike D'Antoni coached team. Defense is a dirty word. I'm more interested in seeing how the hell the Celtics are going to stop Melo and Amare. I'm more interested in seeing how the Celtics react when the Knicks go small and throw Landry Fields and Toney Douglas onto the court. And I'm really interested in seeing if a team that went 11-11 after the Kendrick Perkins trade can turn it on again in the playoffs, like last year.
My completely uneducated guess is that they won't. My completely biased prediction is that by midway through the fourth quarter of game six, I'll be waving that 99 Finals run towel like a moron, yelling at my television screen what 18,300 plus fired up Knicks fans are chanting in the Gahden:
"Beat Miami! (clap clap clap clap clap!) Beat Miami! (clap clap clap clap clap)"
Knicks in six.
4 Magic vs 5 Hawks
Game 1: at Orlando, 6pm, Saturday April 16 (ESPN).
Game 2: at Orlando, 6:30pm, Tuesday April 19 (NBATV).
Game 3: at Atlanta, 7pm, Friday April 22 (ESPN2).
Game 4: at Atlanta, 6pm, Sunday April 24 (TNT).
There's no need to spend more than about a hundred words discussing this series. It's a horrendous mismatch. The Magic swept the Hawks last year in the second round, winning every game by at least twenty points. If the exact same thing doesn't happen this year, I will be shocked. The only thing more shocking than Atlanta staying within 20 points for even one game, will be if I watch more than 20 minutes of this series. Wake me up when the second round begins.
Magic in four.
Western Conference:
1 Spurs vs 8 Grizzlies
Game 1: at San Antonio, noon, Sunday April 17 (TNT).
Game 2: at San Antonio, 7:30pm, Wednesday April 20 (NBATV).
Game 3: at Memphis, 6:30pm, Saturday April 23 (ESPN).
Game 4: at Memphis, TBD, Monday April 25 (TBD).
I find it somewhat surprising that this is the only first round series that doesn't have four games set in stone already. The eight seed has advanced past round one only three times in NBA playoff history: the 1994 Denver Nuggets (over the Seattle Sonics 3-2), the 2007 Golden State Warriors (over the Dallas Mavericks 4-2), and the only eight seed to ever win a series after that first round, the 1999 Knicks (who beat Miami 3-2, Atlanta 4-0, and Indiana 4-2 to reach the Finals, where they lost 4-1 to the Spurs).
Memphis is fully capable of winning this series. Again, I know that looks preposterous. They finished 20 games behind the Spurs in the standings. One of their key players (Rudy Gay) is out. And the Grizzlies have won a grand total of zero, zip, nada playoff games in their franchise history (they're 0-12).
This is a sneaky good Grizzlies team. They're entertaining as hell to watch. Even OJ Mayo, who so thoroughly disgusts me as a player and as a human being, even he's starting to grow on me. I'd really like to pick the upset here. But I see this one playing out like Philly / Miami. Tied at two after four games, with the better team winning the last two to end it and advance.
Spurs in six.
2 Lakers vs 7 Hornets
Game 1: at Los Angeles, 2:30pm, Sunday April 17 (ABC).
Game 2: at Los Angeles, 9:30pm, Wednesday April 20 (TNT).
Game 3: at New Orleans, 8:30pm, Friday April 22 (ESPN).
Game 4: at New Orleans, 8:30pm, Sunday April 24 (TNT).
This is by far and away the biggest mismatch on the board. The Hornets are dead in the water without David West, who went down a couple weeks ago with a knee. The Lakers aren't losing this series. The only question is if the Hornets can win one of the two at home. I say they won't. Which then leads to the real question involving the Hornets -- is game four the last time the Hornets will play as the home team in New Orleans?
Lakers in four.
3 Mavericks vs 6 Trail Blazers
Game 1: at Dallas, 8:30pm, Saturday April 16 (ESPN).
Game 2: at Dallas, 8:30pm, Tuesday April 19 (TNT).
Game 3: at Portland, 9:30pm, Thursday April 21 (TNT).
Game 4: at Portland, 4pm, Saturday April 23 (TNT).
Ooh. Ooh, ooh, ooh. This is gonna be a fun little series. A Dallas team that seemed to be getting better as the season ended (winding up tied for second in the conference) facing the one team in the West that all the experts seem to think can spring a first round upset. The Blazers are extremely well-coached, they've got talent, and they've got a great home court advantage, all things you could say about nearly every Blazers team since the mid 1980s, including during the Jail Blazer era. And yet, despite that, the Blazers haven't won a playoff series since they beat Utah in the 2000 Western semis. At some point, they have to put the epic Game 7 collapse that year behind them and win a freaking series, right?
(Side note numero tres, and I can't believe I'm only on number three so far: that 2000 Portland team is the last, and I believe only, time in my life when I rooted for the Lakers to win. I am no fan of the Lakers. I am certainly no fan of Kobe Bean Bryant. But that 1999-2000 Blazers team had my most hated player ever as it's face, the utterly unlovable scottie pippen. I will always root for that guy to lose. Always. I laughed my ass off when he had to auction off his valuables and his home because he's now broke and destitute. Good. Go to hell scottie. Go to hell. And yes, my hatred of scottie pippen is directly and completely tied to his multiple fouls he committed on Charles Smith during Chuckie's botched layup drill in game 5 of the 93 Eastern Finals. Yet another reason I'm strange -- 18 years later, and I'm still b*tching about how pippen got away with hammering Chuckie on the back of the head on his third and final attempt. I need therapy).
I really like this Mavs team in this situation though. Gotta give credit where it's due -- this is the 11th consecutive season the Mavericks have won 50 games or more. Every season since the lockout, they've won at least 50 and been in the playoffs. The only other team that can say that is the Spurs. If this is the Mavs last gasp for a while, and you gotta figure that this year or next is that proverbial last gasp, then hopefully they at least get one final crack at the Lakers before the party's over.
Mavs in seven.
4 Thunder vs 5 Nuggets
Game 1: at Oklahoma City, 8:30pm, Sunday April 17 (TNT).
Game 2: at Oklahoma City, 7pm, Wednesday April 20 (TNT).
Game 3: at Denver, 9pm, Saturday April 23 (ESPN).
Game 4: at Denver, 9:30pm, Monday April 25 (TNT).
Of all the first round matchups, this one might be the best.
The Nuggets went 19-7 after the Carmelo trade. They play an up-tempo game that's entertaining as hell to watch. And how can you not love the story of George Karl, overcoming life-threatening throat cancer to return to the sideline and somehow coax 50 wins out of a squad that traded away (arguably) it's two best players at the deadline?
(Side note numero quatro: it's very, very weird to capitalize the word Denver. Really, really weird).
The Thunder also are entertaining as hell to watch, figure to be the West's dominant power over the next five to six years, are extremely well run and coached, and feature a rising stud named Kevin Durant to boot. This is a really entertaining as hell team to watch. And yes, I prefer watching hoops teams that are "entertaining as hell", versus "set the sport back 55 years", like Butler did in the national championship game.
I'll chicken out and say home court holds, each team wins out at home, and the Thunder advance. But can I see Denver winning game one, getting up 3-1 at the Pepsi Center, and then closing it out in six at home? Absolutely.
Thunder in seven.
Some final parting NBA thoughts ...
* The MVP has to be Derrick Rose. Look it, I'm a stats geek, so I understand the pro-Dwight Howard argument. But give me a break. Chicago is lucky to go 35-47 and sneak in as the eight seed without Rose on the roster, and everybody knows it. Isn't that what the MVP should be? The most VALUABLE player? I say it should be. Give him a Tommy Point for his regular season, and now let's see him back it up when it counts.
* The only thing that blows about the NBA postseason? The same as with every other postseason in sports, save for the NFL -- no more local announcers. Subtract fifteen Tommy Points for that. I can't believe that the golden whiskey sour and Marlboro red tainted pipes of Tommy Heinsolm are silenced until ... well, it'll be awhile, who knows how long this roo-eenus lockout coming July 1 is going to last.
* Coach of the Year, good God, how do you vote? George Karl nearly dies, yet milks 50 wins out of a roster with 30 win talent. Tom Thibodeau improves Chicago by 20 plus games in year one despite not having Carlos Boozer and Joakim Noah for huge chunks of the season. Doug Collins takes a 1-13 Sixers squad and reaches .500, solidly in the postseason field. Gregg Popovich somehow willing an aging Spurs team to the top seed in the West, again. I'd probably draw a name out of a hat, not sure I could pick any of these guys over the other fairly.
* Worst Coach of the Year, without question, goes to Larry Drew in Atlanta, who took a promising Hawks team that's reached the second round of the playoffs two years in a row, and had improved its win total eight straight years, to a 44-38 (8 games worse than last year) record, and an almost certain first round catastrophe against the Magic. Thanks for playing Larry. Unlike your son though, at least you didn't quit on your team. (Although his team pretty much has quit on him).
* Most disappointing team has to go to the Milwaukee Bucks. I was probably too optimistic when I saw 52 wins and a Central Division championship in their preseason future. But there's no excuse for what the season turned into. Yes, the Bucks had injuries, but so did the Bulls, and they played through it. No excuse for what happened at the Fortress on Fourth this year. You don't blow it up over one disappointing season, but it would behoove Scotty Skiles to get this team back into the playoffs whenever the hell the next League season is.
* If James Dolan really lets Donnie Walsh walk and rehires Isiah Thomas to run the Knicks, as everyone seems to think is going to happen, he officially becomes the dumbest idiot of all time. This revisionist history that Jason Whitlock and others have seemed to take regarding Zeke's post-career legacy is absolutely insane. The bottom line is this: the CBA was a profitable, functioning minor league before Thomas took it over. It ceased to exist two years later. The Indiana Pacers were coming off three straight Eastern Finals appearances and a NBA Finals loss to the Lakers when Thomas took over as coach. They went .500, then missed the playoffs altogether. The Knicks weren't great when Zeke took over, but they sure as all hell weren't $69 million over the cap, out of first round draft picks until 2012, and carrying a 370lb deadweight named Eddy Curry on the roster. Not to mention such winning acquisitions as Stephon Marbury, Stevie Francis, Penny Hardaway, Jerome James, and Jalen Rose, whose combined salaries coupled with the luxury tax paid to acquire said salaries was just about large enough to purchase the Hornets and move them to the Sprint Centre. Isiah Thomas is a good guy, and a helluva player. He's also the lousiest executive to run a "company" since Roger B. Smith was given control of General Motors.
* Second round predictions: Bulls over Magic in five, Knicks over Heat in six; Spurs over Thunder in five, Mavs over Lakers in six.
* Conference final predictions: Bulls over Knicks in seven; Mavs over Spurs in six.
(Side note number five: if this predicted Eastern Final happens as predicted, just assume I need to be put on a 24 hour suicide watch. Remove my belt, shoe laces, and any loose sheets near me to prevent a hanging. Remove all knives, guns, and other assorted objects of violence from my possession. Just please leave the alcohol available and in plain sight, because I will definitely be going on a bender. I honestly don't think I can handle another f*cking loss to those f*ckers in the Eastern Finals. I really don't think I can take it. Again, I need therapy. Badly).
(Side note number six: this thing is what, almost 5 pages in at this point, and those were the first two f bombs. I never thought I'd see a post where it took five pages before I dropped my favorite word. Either I'm maturing, or that was an incredible brain fart. I'm going with the latter. After all, f*ck is the only word in the English language that can be used as all eight types of speech! It can be used as a noun, verb, pronoun, adjective, adverb, preposition, interjection, and conjunction. Granted, the verb usage is the most fun, but you gotta love that no matter how you use the word, it's technically grammatically correct! There's your neat f*cking trivia fact of this post).
* NBA Finals prediction: Mavericks over Bulls in six. Here's to hoping Mark Cuban dedicates the O'Brien Trophy to "all of our high-quality officials working these Finals". Especially if Bennett Salvatore is your lead ref.
* And in case you think I'm deranged, loony, and or delusional because I have the Mavs winning it all (or even more delusionally, have the Knicks within a game of the Finals), remember -- I'm the dude who called Celtics over Cavs in six three f*cking weeks before it happened, at a point in time when even the Sports Guy was picking the Heat to upset the Celtics in round one. Although if you still want to think I'm deranged, loony, and or delusional, that's cool, because I pretty much am.
* Also, I blasted the Conway Twitty "Slow Hand" song last year as well in the above linked post. Some classics never change. Especially when a sixty year old guy is bragging about his "awesome hands". Somewhere, my ex-neighbor Taylor is jealous.
* Sportsline has up a pretty solid article by Matt Moore regarding the Kings' potential relocation. I say "pretty solid", because while Mr. Moore is 100 percent correct that it's beyond despicable what the Maloofs are attempting to do, the bottom line is that the residents of Sacramento and surrounding communities have had a decade to deal with the arena issue. They've had ten freaking years to build a new arena for the Kings, and every time it's been voted down, either by the public or the City Council. So while I feel for Kings fans potentially losing their team, look in the mirror guys. This isn't Seattle, where the resident did pony up millions of dollars to completely overhaul Key Arena, only to see the team still walk out on them. You've had 10 damned years to get something in place. If the Kings wind up bolting for Anaheim, it's nobody's fault but the fans. You want your team? Great. But it comes with a price.
* Having said that, I still don't think the Board of Governors is gonna sign off on this. I find it extremely interesting that in a league where David Stern fines owners and players obscene amounts of money every day for comments made in public, that he has not said one word about Phil Jackson slamming the relocation every day, or on the good doctor, Jerry Buss, publically calling on the League to reject the move.
* "Darlin', don't say a word! I've already heard! What your body's sayin' to mine. If you want all night, you know it's all right -- I got time! You want a man with a slow hand! You want a lover with an easy touch! You want somebody who will spend some time with you baby, not come and go in a heated rush. Baby believe me, I understand (ooh ooh) -- when it comes to love, you want a slow hand!" (steve busting out laughing at the ridiculousness of "Slow Hand" by Conway Twitty ...)
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