“I wouldn’t last a single day,
I’d probably just fade away,
Without you? I’d lose my mind.
Before you ever came along,
I was living life all wrong,
Smartest thing I ever did, was make you all mine …
Crazy Girl! Don’t know you that I love you?
I wouldn’t dream of going nowhere!
Silly woman, come here let me hold you!
Have I told you lately,
I love you like crazy girl!”
-- “Crazy Girl” by the Eli Young Bang. (pause). Yes, THAT Eli Young Band …
Last Week ATS: 7-7-0.
Season to Date ATS: 63-49-5.
Last Week SU: 6-8-0.
Season to Date SU: 61-56-0.
Last Week "Screw You Pete King" Pick: whiff!
Season to Date "Screw You Pete King" Pick ATS: 4-4-1.
Season to Date "Screw You Pete King" Pick SU: 1-8-0.
This Week's "Screw You Pete King" Pick: raiders (+7) over Chargers.
The Non-Chiefs, Non-Jets "See What Sticks on the Wall" Approximations:
* raiders (+7) 24, at Chargers 14. Last week, certified asshat and alleged NFL expert Pete King of SI predicted the Chargers to beat the Packers because "they will hold the Aaron Rodgers' to 8 or 9 possessions". Because I DESPISE Pete King, let's examine that prediction.
The Chargers possessions, per Pete King's employer:
1. Start at GB 37, 10:26 1st Qtr. Result: Touchdown. 7-0 GB.
(The next TWO San Diego possessions end in TaINT's by Phyllis Rivers. It's 21-7 GB before Aaron Rodgers takes a snap again).
2. Start at GB 22, 14:02 2nd Qtr. Result: Failed 4th Down Attempt.
3. Start at GB 26, 5:40 2nd Qtr. Result: Touchdown. 28-10 GB.
4. Start at GB 20, 14:53 3rd Qtr. Result: Field Goal. 31-10 GB.
5. Start at GB 27, 1:51 3rd Qtr. Result: Touchdown. 38-17 GB.
6. Start at GB 32, 11:31 4th Qtr. Result: Touchdown. 45-17 GB.
(onside kick, recovered by the San Diego "Blooper" Chargers)
7. Start at GB 8, 6:19 4th Qtr. Result: Punt. 45-31 GB.
8. Start at GB 4, 2:59 4th Qtr. Result: Punt. 45-38 GB.
9. Start at SD 6, :14 4th Qtr. Result: ballgame.
So ... kudos to Ol' Pete, for accurately predicting the Chargers could hold the Pack to "8 or 9 possessions". But Pete? Pal? Amigo? Descomisado? When those 9 possessions result in 31 points, AND you give away 14 more when you have the ball, just because you can? You're not winning the game. So for this week's artist formerly known as the "Upset of the Week", I'm taking Pete's beloved Chargers to piss away a layup win at home tonight. In the bastardized words of Dan Dierdorf from that magical Monday night in denver seventeen years ago: "Poor Pete. His team does everything ... but win!"
* at Dolphins (-4) 12, Redskins 0. Show those teeth, shanarat. Show those teeth! Yeah, that's the look! Wow, look at that tail sprouting out of your ass to boot! Embrace the rat, shanarat! Embrace the rat!!!
* Jaguars (-3) 31, at Colts 10. One game has to earn the designation every week, it might as well be this one. HIT IT! (cue the "cheezy 70s sitcom" theme song) Good Times! Anytime you need a payment. Good Times! Anytime you need a friend. Good Times! Anytime you're out from under. Not getting hassled, not getting hustled. Keeping yo head above water! Making a wave when you can! Temporary layoffs? Good Times! Easy credit ripoffs? Good Times! Scratching and surviving? Good Times! Hanging in a chow line? Good Times! (wait for it ... wait for it ...) Ain't we lucky we got 'em? (na na na na na) GOOD TIMES!!!!
* at Falcons (+1) 34, Saints 31. My vote for Game of the Day before said games are actually played.
* at Bengals (+3 1/2) 24, Steelers 21. All TCU QBs do is win. Which is the 100 percent OPPOSITE of what occurred when I graduated from that fine academic institution (gulp) thirteen years ago come December 19th.
* at Bears 28, Lions (-3) 27. Honestly feels like a 27-24 Chicago win ... and push with the spread.
* at Browns 4, Rams (+3) 0. Another game I wouldn't lay $0.01 on. And yes, I think the only scoring will be two safeties. Which reminds me, if you're watching this game, and are the legal, law-abiding owner of a firearm, make sure the safety switch is set to "ON". Wouldn't want you accidentally pulling the trigger out of anger at watching this game.
* at Cowboys (-5 1/2) 45, Bills 10. I'd call this Tony Romo's Coming Out Party, but now that he's married to a chick ...
* at Eagles (NL) 49, Cardinals 3. Guessing the NL is due to Kevin Kolb's status. Like it matters worth a damn.
* Ravens 28, at Seahawks (+6 1/2) 24. 12th man my hairless white ass.
* Giants (+3 1/2) 24, at 49ers 20. So glad to have this rivalry be meaningful again. Now let's get Pack / 49ers back to a national, "no matter what, this is in primetime" status, and we're talking.
* Titans (+3) 21, at Panthers 14. Can we now officially, finally, recognize what a SHAM, what an abject JOKE, the National Collegiate Athletic Association is? A couple
players trade THEIR memorabilia for tattoos?
Five game suspensions. A
quarterback's father shops him to the highest bidder? Multi-day ESPN ("good ol' jr" jim
ross voice) "MY GOD! THE CARNAGE!" outrage. A coach raping 10 year old boys in the locker
room shower? How does the NCAA react to
that? (silence ... crickets chirping ...
ooh, look, isn't that Kelvin Sampson texting a player fifteen minutes before
it's permissable! Quick, summon Dan
Beebe to launch an investigation!!!) Ohio State
I have said it before, and I will say it again: the National Collegiate Athletics Association is THE biggest joke in America today. If anyone in our country should be facing daily accusation of “running a plantation”, its Mark Emmett and his overseers in Indianapolis.
* at Packers 28, Vikings (+12 1/2) 21. Will be far closer than anyone anticipates. At the risk of shooting my load too early (cue dusty with the "wouldn't be the first time!" wise guy response), don't this year's Packers kinda, sorta look like the 2003 Chiefs? They can score at will ... and they can't stop anyone. Trust me Packers fans -- this isn't going to end well.
The Jets Best Guess:
at Jets (-2) 28, Patriots 20. Its denver week. No need to waste words on Gang Green. At least this week.
The Chiefs Section of these Prepared Remarks:
As I think I’ve mentioned, but if I haven’t, then here goes: I went and saw the “Footloose” remake the day it came out.
And sitting there in the theater watching it with “The Ex”, something hit me, particularly in the scene where Ariel and Ren and Rusty andWillard hit up the country club for a night of dancing.
This is fun.
(That, and Ren’s response to Willard that sadly is censored in the linked YouTube! clip, will have you laughing out loud. “It’s country line dancing. It’s a white guy’s wet dream!” Brought the theater down. And yes, “Fake ID” by Big and Rich is on the iPod play list for Sunday. Although like Willard, I can’t dance, and I rarely try to. Unless “Shout” comes on. (And it will at some point.) Then it’s on. “A little bit softer now … a little bit softer now … a little bit louder now … a little bit louder now …)
That … is how I feel about the Chiefs and broncos. Do I hate the broncos? Yes, yes I do. I DESPISE them. I’m that guy who as recently as a week ago, noted that “if terrorists blow up the o.co this week, it’s not a national tragedy – it’s cause for a national celebration”, as I note every year when denver and oakland face off.
I hate the denver broncos.
But God bless it, games against them are FUN.
Because isn’t that what the NFL, what football, what sports, what life itself, is supposed to be? Enjoyable? Entertaining as hell?
Sunday, win or lose, rain or shine, I intend to have fun. My tailgating group will be there before the gates open (and they’re opening early, according to my “source who spoke on condition of anonymity”, at 8am, so plan accordingly). We’ll save you however many spots you need, just let us know you’re coming.
Sunday, we’re going to have fun. There will be Chiefs fans there, sure, but we’ll also have die-hard Steelers fans, donkeys fans, and I’m told a Texans fan. I didn’t know those existed*, but hey, whatever’s clever!
(*: I kid. I’ve rarely been as blown away by a NFL Sunday as I was in Houston four years ago.)
We’ll laugh. We’ll live. We’ll booze it up. We’ll tailgate. We’ll root like hell for the team we’re cheering for.
And we’ll have FUN.
Because that’s what this is supposed to be – fun. Yes, I know few people live and die with the Chiefs every action more than me. And do you know what that is? Because while the lows suck chunks … the highs are so damned enjoyable that it’s just … fun.
Sunday, let’s have some fun.
(pausing … pausing …)
Hey, I almost fell for it too.
Fun? Did I really just say Sunday is about having “fun”? Yeah, right, sure. Sunday is about having fun.
It’s about one thing, and one thing only. And that is whipping denver’s ass eight ways from Sunday, up and down the field. It’s about injured donkeys being carted off, slowly and steadily, giving every fan in the lower bowl a chance to chuck a hot dog, a coke, a beer at them, ala the “hugh millenated game” in 1994. (I still argue the cart driver that day deserved a lifetime contract from the Hunt’s for his brave, heroic actions.)
It’s about BURYING any and all hopes the denver broncos have of salvaging this season. It is about ending timmy tebow’s career before it can get started. (And I’m not joking on this one. I know I’m in the vocal minority … but I think tebow can dominate at the pro level. Let’s get him the f*ck out of denver before they figure that out.)
It’s about keeping up with whoever wins tonight’s “Slappers War”* at the Q between the faders and “blooper” chargers. It’s about maintaining the momentum, the season establishing purpose, winning four of five has brought to this team.
(*: if you never played the original 007 game, you got to at least once play “slappers” mode. That damned game tanked my GPA from an outstanding 3.6 to a 2.2 almost overnight. OK, fine, the booze and the weed didn’t help … but I blame the video game. That’s what religious conservatives do, right? Blame the social media, not the dumb f*ck parents who refuse to parent? I’m doing the same thing! Yay me, being all conservative-y today!)
Sunday is about fun, sure … but ONLY if the Chiefs win. Because that’s the ONLY way Sunday is fun. Look it, I am disgusted, absolutely DISGUSTED, at allowing donkey fans in my midst on Sunday. I don’t have much of a choice. DJ did marry her, after all. But for this game? It’s definitely “Katie’s friend”.
But more than that, I hauled out the “Footloose” reference, not just because I think hating your mortal enemy is fun (it is!), and not just because I’m currently listening to a song off the soundtrack as I type this (Iam!) … but because the scene with Ren addressing the City Council is EXACTLY what I feel about this game.
This is OUR time.
There WAS a time and a place for you, denver. But not anymore.
This is OUR time. In OUR house. With first place and a home playoff game potentially on the line.
As Ren noted in his classic scene addressing Reverend Moore and the City Council, as David Crosby noted in the Byrds’ classic song, there is a time for everything.
There is a time for love.
And there is a time for HATE.
Sunday, hate’s time has come*.
(*: only in the verbal form. Don't be stupid. Taunting? Fine. Punching? I'll throw right back with ya, and I'll have an army behind me. I might hate denver, its fans, and everything about the organization, but the hate stops at the mouth ... and occasionally the finger on the keyboard.)
at Chiefs (-3) 42, broncos 20. And once we demolish what denver has to offer, then we can begin to discuss the ending of said verse, the ending of said song. “A time for peace”. Only on denver’s unconditional surrender. Which we’re getting in a little over 72 hours …