“Yeah -- please consider ducking us,
Cause ain’t nobody touching us!
Got the city loving us;
They dancing like it’s double dutch!
Come through in the clutch? We just
Make it so you must erupt!
Ain’t never been no lucky stuff;
We winners just because we tough!
See my flag? They flying it!
Now there’s no denying it!
Anything that got my city’s logo?
Now they buying it!
Keep them going crazy though --
TV and the radio!
Been watching since a baby --
So I’m representing KCMO!
KC MO!
Roll!
(I’m representing!)
KC MO!
Roll! …
(I ain’t messing with!)
KC MO!
Roll!
(Was born and raised in!)
KC MO!
Roll! ...”
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So here’s what you’re getting below, in Part Two of the Week Eight Picks:
* The “Klassy” Kevin Keitzman Tweet O’ The Week. This week’s wrote itself.
* The Watching Party Plans. There aren’t any.
* The Tailgating Plans. There are some.
* Mixology Updates. There are two, and I think both are big improvements.
* “Disreputable Mexican Food Truck” Update. It was a great week!
* Stevo Previews His Trip to The Metroplex. So f*cking ready!
* The Chiefs Prognostication. What you came here for.
And in case you missed the Non-Chiefs Predictions, you can click here to access them.
Ready?
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The “Klassy” Kevin Keitzman Tweet O’ The Week:
You know, for once, I gotta praise and admire the man. I mean, here he is, attending a football game at his alma mater with potential bowl eligibility on the line for the ‘Cats … and he still -- on an off day mind you! -- manages to tweet a shout out to a show sponsor and contributor!
I mean, seriously, you have to respect the fact that again, even on a non-working afternoon, he wasn’t caught with his pants (allegedly) down, when given the chance to pimp a sponsor. That is some awesome effort there, looking out for the folks who pay the mortgage!
Also, if he’s tweeting sponsors out while on a trip of pleasure, does this mean we’re a couple cat p*ss stains in the back seat away, from officially renaming this segment the Don Fortunato Junior Tweet O’ The Week? Circle me curious on that one, Bert. Circle me curious.
The Watching Party Plans:
There are no The Watching Party Plans, as this is a Chiefs home game.
The Tailgating Plans:
First things first: The Bus departs at approximately 1pm on Monday. At last count, there are at least ten people riding out, and possibly as many as fifteen. We’ll have the grassy knoll north of the G30 sign locked down by 1:30pm. If you need a place to park? Well, we don’t have to save one for you anymore, provided you arrive within an hour or so of the gates opening. When the Chiefs claim it’s a “free for all” in the first hour? Folks, they ain’t lying. If you’re parked by 3:30ish, you’re golden where you park.
Second things second: the STM email says gates open at 2:30pm. I’m calling fertilizer on that. They’ll open by 2pm at the latest.
Third things third: the menu is bronco burgers, assorted sides (including fries and baked beans and homemade potato salad … don’t worry -- none of it made by me), and a healthy assortment of adult beverages. Feel free to swing by and enjoy the day.
Having noted the Captain Oats of the post … there are two changes coming on Monday. One that became necessary over the last two tailgates, the other of which is at least a couple years overdue.
The Mixology Updates:
First, after twenty (plus) years, the Classic Speakers have officially bit the dust. When the bass sounds worse than a low-rider from 1991, it’s time to swap them out. I’ll be working to get the newbies operational on Sunday (and yes -- if they don’t work, that gives me a day to figure out what the hell to do instead. Hey, you try to find stereo speaking compatible with a 1970s sound system, and tell me how successful you are, smart a** reader).
Also on Sunday (and probably into Monday), Mixology is getting overhauled. I came to a realization two Sundays ago, that 314 songs is too damned many … and of the 314, about 250 of them nobody gives a sh*t about, save for one person who may or may not be there anyway. So, the playlist is going to be smaller (probably between 80 and 100), and will contain far more rap, modern hits, and 80s pop (since that seems to be what most people prefer) than the classic rock and country and 90s pop on there now (since that seems to not be as preferable).
I also am deferring to a few experts for the overhaul: namely, a couple of fourth and fifth graders, who know far, far more about what passes as quality party music, than I ever will. (Hey, they gave you the theme to this post. Which I thought was perfect, to be brutally honest.)
Hopefully the changes are positive, because I have to be brutally honest here: every damned change in my life over the last (almost) ten months has been 100% positive. I don’t want to undo all the progress in my life of the last ten months by putting too much late 1990s boy band and not enough DNCE on the playlist.
Speaking of changes and progress …
“Disreputable Mexican Food Truck” Update:
We’re up to three! And God bless it, I wish I’d had my phone with me at lunch, because not only was “Questionable Greek Food Truck” there, and not only did “Sh*tty Burger Food Truck” park its’ ass in front of the apartments at 32nd and North Broadway … but oh yeah, El Gallo -- aka “Disreputable Mexican Food Truck” showed up on Friday!
I swear to Christ, you’d have thought it was, uuh, Christ’s Second Coming, the news of “Disreputable Mexican Food Truck” returning spread that fast through “company I work for”. I actually felt bad for the Greek and burger trucks -- the line for “Disreputable Mexican Food Truck” was seriously, 5, 6 people deep.
And I am happy to report, that not only is that bad boy of a truck back in business … but sweet Jesus God above, they make THE best fish tacos I’ve ever had. OK, fine, they’re not the best … but they’re in the ballpark.
I could eat fish tacos all day long. They definitely leave me with a happy ending.
(Wow, the sleazy sexual one-liners are just FLYING off my fingers today, aren’t they?)
Now, if we can just add a BBQ food truck -- because God bless, it’s only going to get colder, and Gates is a whole three minute walk away -- I’ll be a really happy employee.
And now, a brief moment for a personal look forward …
Special Commentary: Stevo Preps For His (Way Too Brief) Return To His Adopted Home State.
I leave Friday for the Metroplex. I sadly have to return to KC on Monday. But I’ve booked as late of a flight back on Monday as possible. I get almost three full days to enjoy the metropolitan area I spend the happiest three and a half years of my life in.
I will be staying at the (probably not even remotely) lovely La Quinta Six Flags Hotel, off basically Randol Mill and Six Flags Expressway (or Texas 360, for the non-Metroplex familiar). It is allegedly within eyesight of AT&T Stadium … and both hotel and stadium sit barely six miles from the apartment I called home in college.
I fully intend to spend Saturday heading all around the Fort Worth side of the Metroplex. I want to see what (barenaked ladies voice) the old apartment looks like twenty years after I last stepped foot in it. I can’t wait to see what campus looks like -- I haven’t stepped foot on TCU property since 2007. I’ve already demanded we have to do Uncle Julio’s at least once -- I’m willing to settle for dinner after the game Sunday … but am kinda, sorta hoping for dinner before the game on Saturday, since that went really, really well the last time I ate there.
I’m ready for some Pappadeaux’s. I definitely intend to have a frosty cold one at The Greek House or Perrotti’s. (Update: DAMMIT! The Greek House is gonzo. But this Buffalo Brothers place that now stands where The Greek House used to be looks promising.)
And if it’s there, I’m finding, photographing, and possibly stealing my brick, from The Clarkway.
There’s even a decent probability (as of now) that I’ll see at least two of the four great friends I had way too much fun with, and hopefully three: Mike, Niko, and hopefully “Tony Gonzalez”. (Sadly, no “Cocoa Vineet” … but I should be in New York in six weeks for the Jets game, so there’s still hope for a meet and drink before 2017 is done!) I haven’t seen any of my four best friends from college in pushing ten years. I’m beyond fired up for this.
I intend to get more into this next week, but I am so freaking ready for this roadie. I will just simply note this until then: my life at times is a model for how not to live. (everyone voice: sometimes?!?!?!) Screw-up, f*ck-up, failure -- three words (or five I guess, depending on how you treat the hyphens) that define me far more often than not.
And yet, despite every mistake of the last twenty years (and trust me, there’s not enough bandwidth on the Internet to detail them all)?
Well, I’m saving that for next week, and (probably more accurately) the recap a week after that.
I just hope this trip, lives up to the hype.
And even if it doesn't? If for almost seventy two hours, life reverts for me back to when I wasn't a screw-up, f*ck-up and failure?
It's worth the price of admission.
(Which is (gulp) 426 dollars!, next Sunday. Jesus God above. Four hundred f*cking dollars for a regular season football game! I paid less -- combined! -- for the last two playoff road games I've attended, in Indy (Part One / Part Two) and Houston.)
The Chiefs Prognostication:
I have eight things I want to say, which may or may not have anything to do with the actual game Monday night.
1. I will not be booing Jamaal Charles during introductions. I will be booing the entire franchise of those people trotting out of the tunnel. There is a difference between booing the mob, and booing a particular person within the mob. I feel like that needs to be stressed.
2. NFL owners have got to be the most cowardly, childish collection of wealthy people assembled this side of the failed Clinton campaign. To apologize for stating the obvious, as Texans owner Bob McNair did, is insane. The inmates ARE running the prison! (Note: either way you take his comments -- b*tching about the players, or b*tching about the cowardly owners? He's right.)
You pay the players' salaries, NFL owners. They all have non-guaranteed contracts. The NFLPA is the single most worthless union in the history of mankind, save for possibly any union the crowd facing the lions in ancient Rome, formed on their behalf. NFL owners? Act like you own the room! (Because you literally do!)
(And I say this as someone who supports the Anthem protests, for what it's worth.)
(I also say this as a proud son of two very proud union (NEA / Postal Workers) retirees.)
(Sorry, but common sense should trump insanity. (christopher cross voice) I know it's crazy, but it's true.)
(Also, one final ( ) -- "Arthur" is one of the ten funniest movies of all time. Give it a try some time, peoples and peepettes.)
3. This is the best Chiefs team of my lifetime. I turn 41 three days after the 2017 regular season ends. Having said that ...
4. The wrong team is ridiculously favored. Because ...
5. This is as close to "must win" as you can face, when it comes to "those people". They're 3-3, L2, and their next two are at Eagles / vs Patriots. They still have roadies to the raiders and Redskins, and they still host the Chiefs again. If they drop four of those, they're at seven losses. Sweep the Chiefs and EVERY OTHER game on the schedule, other than those four very probable losses mentioned in this paragraph, and their ceiling is 9-7. 9-7 probably gets you the six seed, and some semblance of pride over the season that was. 8-8 means you once again pick in the late teens, and can't gain any traction in moving the franchise forward to the 2020s.
In my opinion, it is patently absurd that those people would be home underdogs if the game were at fake mile high this week. Patently absurd. This line at best should be KC -3. Somehow it's KC -8. Indefensible.
6. Do you trust this Chiefense at this point? They've been (hozier voice) taken to church by the Texans for 34. Pushed up and down the field all day (although they did force the 3 and out when it counted ... wasted as it was) by the Steelers. And bent over and given the business by the raiders. Do you honestly think the flaws in the Chiefense can be fixed by three days off? Because I don't.
7. There is no possible way those people are this bad. There is no possible way they're 24 points worse than the (now) 1-6 Giants, there's no possible way they're so god awful they get shut out in a virtual home game in Carson. There is no possible way a defense this good, can possibly be fielded by a team this bad ... unless you're the 1992 Seahawks.
Which leads me to the last point:
8. Anyone expecting a coronation, an easy victory, on Monday night -- by either side -- is a complete f*cking idiot. This is going to be a virtual replay of the Redskins game four weeks ago. A virtual replay of the raiders game last week.
The last team with a credible possession of the ball, is going to win.
Just like it was at fake mile high last year, at Arrowhead the year before, at fake mile high the year before that, at Arrowhead the three years before that, like ... well, like at least one of these matchups tends to be every year.
And sweet merciful Lord Jesus, I pray I'm wrong about Monday. I really, honestly, truly, and for the love of everything holy, PRAY I'm wrong.
Because my feeling about Monday night, can be summed up in two sentences.
(1) This one is too f*cking obvious?
(2) To be this f*cking obvious.
Even if this line was KC -3, I'd take those people.
Because I think they're winning outright on Monday night.
* those people (+8) 27, at Chiefs 24. I pray I'm right. I fear I'm not ...
