chiefs. giants. you can't accuse me of being neutral after this ...

I'm not sure I'm up to this. Those of you who know me, know that I am a Chiefs fan. I believe that I embody the word "fan". I show up win or lose, rain or shine, hot or cold. I not only show up, I'm in line an hour and a half before the gates even open. There are a lot of things in life about me that you can question, but whether or not I am the textbook definition of what a die-hard Chiefs fan is, is not one of those things you can question.

Yesterday ... I walked out at halftime. And didn't think twice about it. Because for the first time in my life, I have no faith in the man calling the shots.

Specifically the man that duels as offensive coordinator and head coach, Todd Haley.

Or Coach Asshat, as I refer to him as.

Rather than the usual recap method of starting at the beginning and reliving the day, I want to begin by examining Coach Asshat's biggest flaw: third down playcalling.

Let's look at each third down the Chiefs faced on Sunday, from the opening fumbled kickoff until the moment the game was officially beyond salvation (the failed two point conversion). Not because I'm a glutton for punishment; far from it. S&M not only doesn't turn me on, it repulses me. No, I want to look back at each third down because I want to establish a pattern of incompetence. Anyone can screw up a playcall. Even the best are going to make multiple mistakes each week. But the best learn and don't keep repeating the same screwups. Todd Haley, at this point, cannot be considered one of the "great ones". Or even one of the "mediocre ones" ...

* Chiefs first possession: on 3rd and 8, Coach Asshat, after calling two ridiculous, pointless, utterly inept "Wildcat" plays with Larry Johnson under center, calls a designed draw to Matt Cassel. On 3rd and 8, at his own 23, already trailing 7-0. A designed QB draw. Cassel fumbles, end result is no gain on the play, Chiefs punt. For the first time in a long, long time, I stood and booed. Repeatedly. I booed my team in the hallowed grounds of Arrowhead. Not even three minutes into the game, and I had had enough.

Sadly, it was not the last time I stood and loudly booed the utter incompetence on the field and on the sideline.

* Chiefs second possession: on 3rd and 5 at the Giants 16, Coach Asshat calls a go route to the end zone to Bobby Engram. No consideration for a simple 6 yard in pattern to Sean Ryan (who catches anything within 2 yards of him), or dueling out patterns at the marker with Wade and Bowe, or even a draw play that might have caught the Giants off guard. (And considering LJ already had 22 yards on 4 carries at this point, a draw play made sense, since he was AVERAGING more yards than what we needed to gain to keep the drive alive).

Did ANY of this factor into Coach Asshat's playcall in that spot? Nope. He aired it out. I truly, and I mean this, I truly am utterly in shock at how retarded Coach Asshat's gameplans are. He won't throw it within 5 yards of the marker on 3rd and 13, but he goes deep on 3rd and 5. I truly, and I mean this, I am absolutely in utter awe of the man. I never dreamed I'd live to see the day when a mentally retarded individual was given the keys to a NFL franchise.

To noone's surprise, the 3rd and 5 go route pass was (fake mile high voice) IN ... COM ... PLETE! (wa wa wa wa ...), and the Chiefs settle for a field goal attempt, which is good.

* Chiefs third possession: On 3rd and 9, Coach Asshat has Cassel throw short to Sean Ryan for a three yard gain. No attempt to gain the first down, no attempt to stretch the field, no attempt to compete. A simple check down route that Matt Cassel never checked through, he simply took 5 steps back and threw. Chiefs punt. More loud boos from the hot-as-hell 32 year old in section 132, row 26, seat 14.

(Yup, that's where I sit, every game this decade and counting. For anyone who thinks I simply criticize without being willing to face heat on my own, there you go. The Chiefs organization is free to confront me anytime they want. I also tailgate in the grassy lot at the back of Lot G, and my email address is available by clicking the profile on this page. I'm more than willing to discuss anytime Coach Asshat and his enablers want what's wrong with their approach).

* Chiefs fourth possession: Trailing 14-3 now, on 3rd and 10 at our own 30, Coach Asshat again refuses to try for the first down. He calls a running back screen to LJ, who is tackled for no gain. Four third downs, and Coach Asshat is now 0 for 4 in competent playcalls.

Again, read the play call. I'm not making it up; this comes straight from the nfl.com play-by-play chart. A running back screen on 3rd and 10? This isn't KU versus Duke here. And we don't have Todd Reesing executing the screen. A running back screen on 3rd and 10 will almost NEVER work in the pros. I'd put the success rate at 2%. 1 in every 50 screens on 3rd and 10 will get you the yardage you need, when the screen is called to a running back NOT KNOWN FOR HIS RECEIVING ABILITY OR HIS ABILITY TO RUN AFTER THE CATCH! I mean Jesus, Todd! If you're gonna call the screen there, why wasn't Jamaal Charles in the game? That's why he's on the roster isn't it, is for his ability to make something happen in open field?

Needless to say, I stood and booed for thirty seconds after this play. I made sure I stood and booed up until the ball was snapped for the punt. And by this point, I was NOT the only one letting Coach Asshat know what we think of his playcalling abilities. There were plenty of folks standing in verbal agreement with me.

* Chiefs fifth possession: On 3rd and 9 at the Chiefs 11, another short pass, this time to Bobby Wade for a gain of six. Five third downs, zero legitimate attempts to convert them. Not even remotely surprising, the Chiefs are trailing 14-3, Arrowhead is booing loudly, deservedly so, and the frustration is really beginning to build.

* Chiefs sixth possession: On 3rd and 8, Cassel throws a wide receiver screen to Mark Bradley. He breaks a tackle and gains 18. This is the ONLY third down the Chiefs will convert until the 4th quarter. And even with this "successful conversion", what had to happen in order for the play to work? Bradley had to take a short pass, thrown well shy of the down to make marker, break a tackle, and turn upfield. Which begs the question, do we have even ONE play in the playbook that gets the receivers past the down marker? Do we? Because I haven't seen any evidence so far that we do.

After that "successful conversion", the Chiefs bomb out on first and second down. So, on 3rd and 13 at the Chiefs 41, Cassel AGAIN throws short to Mark Bradley, who manages to break a tackle and get to midfield, but still four yards shy of the first down. Do I need to once again set the scene? The Chiefs are TRAILING, at home, by 11. They have now faced SIX third downs. They have YET to throw an attempt beyond the yard-to-gain marker.

In fact, even more damning at this point, the only pass ATTEMPT Matt Cassel has thrown more than 10 yards downfield was on a playfake intended for Dwayne Bowe that he horribly overthrew. We're 28 minutes of football in, and the Chiefs have attempted exactly ONE pass that could move the chains on a first down. One. I found it interesting now that two weeks in a row, Coach Asshat has railed at halftime about his running game's inability to get going. Coach? Maybe if you'd give defenses a reason to not have 8 guys in the box, you'd open up some running lanes. And how do you do that? BY THROWING THE DAMNED BALL DOWN THE DAMNED FIELD!

I swear, there were moments yesterday when I actually was doing the math in my head, of how far I'd have to run to physically attack Coach Asshat on the sideline. The man is having very bad effects on me.

To his credit on this possession, Coach Asshat was prepared to go for it on fourth down. If that was his thinking all along, then the 3rd and 13 play maybe makes some sense. (Based on the fact that Cassel was in the huddle for fourth down prior to the two minute warning, and the fact that the Chiefs attempted to run a play after the two minute warning before a false start penalty sent in Dusty C, I do believe that was his thought process: get close on 3rd down and go for it on 4th). However ...

What makes no sense is that we're seven third downs in, and not a single pass ATTEMPT has reached the first down marker! We have yet to even legitimately TRY to pick up the first down! The Chiefs end the half 1 for 7 on 3rd downs, with zero pass attempts that reach the first down marker. Again, it isn't being 1 for 7 that angers me. 6 of the 7 3rd downs were 6 yards or more, and the 7th was a 3rd and 5. 1 for 7 isn't unacceptable given those conditions.

What IS unacceptable, is to not even TRY to convert, to gain the yardage. To not even throw the damned football far enough to get a first down if its caught! And considering 6 of Cassel's 7 3rd down throws in the first half were caught, is it really asking too much for Coach Asshat to call a damned play that reaches the first down marker PRIOR to a receiver making the catch? I say no.

* Chiefs seventh possession: after a moronic onside kick attempt to start the half that I accurately called on the walk out 5 minutes prior to it occurring (because predictable idiots are two things. Predictable. And idiots. Coach Asshat is brilliant at being both), and with the Chiefs now trailing 20-3 as a result, you would think there would be a sense of desperation. Or at least a whiff of common sense. But not for Coach Asshat, who bravely calls a screen pass on 3rd and 18. Send in Dusty C. Cue vociferous boos. I had already left, but hearing the PA guy and the boos from the crowd, I just started laughing. I literally just started laughing uncontrollably. The 69,000 others who hadn't left yet just unloaded on Coach Asshat and his playcalling. I loved it. I absolutely loved it. Keep giving it to him Chiefs fans!!! The man deserves to be booed mercilessly for the "job" he has done so far.

* Chiefs eighth possession: Still trailing 20-3, Coach Asshat FINALLY has Matt Cassel drop back and try to convert a third down. Sadly, he is sacked, so its a moot point. But hey, actually trying to get a first down after 40 minutes and 9 attempts, brilliant! Yay Coach Asshat for being hit up the side of the head with a sledgehammer of common sense!

Again, let this sink in. 40 minutes have passed. The Chiefs trail by 17. And only NOW does Coach Asshat call a play on 3rd down that has a shot in hell of actually achieving the ONLY thing you should seek to do on 3rd down when you're down by 17 (convert the damned first down!). It took 40 minutes for our head coach / offensive coordinator / Special Olympian to attempt to do the obvious.

* Chiefs ninth possession: If, after this possession, you can still defend Coach Asshat and whatever the hell it is he is attempting to do, I give up. Because while everything up until now has been indefensible, this possession takes the cake.

On a 3rd and 11, trailing 27-3, Coach Asshat calls a short slant over the middle to D Bowe. It is incomplete. 3rd and 11. Trailing by 24. In the fourth quarter. And Coach Asshat STILL isn't calling plays that, if executed to a bare minimum (aka make the catch and fall down) will get you a first down!

On 4th and 11, trailing by 24 in the fourth quarter, Coach Asshat FINALLY grows a pair and goes for it on fourth down from the Giants 30. (Note: this is my FAVORITE part of coaching. He WON'T go for it when the game is still in reach on 4th down, but trailing by 24? What the hell. Todd, maybe if you'd go for it on 4th and 9 at midfield when the score is 14-3, you don't face 4th and 11 trailing by 24. Call me crazy).

So 4th and 11, Coach Asshat decides to go for it. Only, the throw is short of the first down marker. Somehow, the Chiefs win a challenge on the spot, and convert the first down. (Well, not somehow: Jerome Boger's crew misspot the ball by 2 whole yards. Good challenge, actually). But again, the playcall meant that the throw was SHORT of the line to gain! On fourth down! What in the hell is Coach Asshat thinking! Please! Explain to me how on a 4th and 11, you would EVER call a play that doesn't guarantee you a first down if you make the catch! On third down, you can "defend", and I use that term loosely, you can at least "defend" a short throw with the "we're going for it on 4th down" defense. What defense is there for not throwing it past the first down marker on 4th down?

Sadly, Coach Asshat's playcalling gets even "better". Trailing 27-3 still after the 4th down challenge conversion, yet exhibition zero sense of urgency, Coach Asshat calls a short over-the-middle attempt on 3rd and 11 at the Giants 19. It is incomplete. Even if it had been complete, trailing by 24 with less than 11 minutes to play, and facing a 3rd and 11, WHAT IN THE HELL GOOD IS A SHORT OVER THE MIDDLE WIDE RECEIVER IN ROUTE? WHAT GOOD DOES THAT DO? Explain to me, Todd, what in the hell throwing short on 3rd and 11 accomplishes? Other than infuriating the 2 fans still in the stands at that point.

On 4th and 11, still trailing by 24, Coach Asshat ONCE AGAIN fails to call a play where the pass attempt places the receiver BEYOND the line to gain! Its ... its unbelievable at this point. This man, this imbecile AGAIN, trailing by 24, at home, with less than 11 to play, AGAIN calls a play that requires the receiver to break AT LEAST one tackle and do SOMETHING in the open field in order for a first down to be gain! On 4th and 11! That is IDIOCY!

Somehow, D Bowe breaks a tackle to keep the drive alive. And now, it gets really wacky. The Chiefs have first and goal at the Giants 8, trailing by 24, 10 minutes to go. We HAVE to get a touchdown, preferably in a hurry. Because as bad as its been, in theory, if you score on this drive, and get the two point conversion, you're two scores down at about the 9:50 mark. That's doable. Its not likely, but its doable.

So on first down? Of course! LJ offtackle! Not only is this an INCREDIBLY retarded play call in this spot (down 24, needing a touchdown, with the clock moving), it does the EXACT OPPOSITE of EVERYTHING you need to accomplish! It bleeds the clock, it gains no yards, it infuriates the fan base, and it has zero chance of putting points on the board! Brilliant!

Second down, after another "short of the yard to gain" pass attempt, the Chiefs are bailed out by a defensive holding call. And on first and goal at the one, Coach Asshat bravely eschews the run (because, after all, why pay a running back $6 million plus to actually GAIN a freaking yard when he can be used as a decoy instead), he eschews the run and calls a tight end pass to Sean Ryan, who hauls it in for the touchdown.

After offsetting penalties on the "must convert" two point conversion (again, you convert, you're within two scores; you fail, you still need three scores), the play is finally attempted. And Coach Asshat's brilliant play call? A Matt Cassel run! Yippee! To the surprise of NOONE with a functioning brain (which at this point, I question if Coach Asshat possesses one), the attempt fails. Ballgame.

Everything from this point on, is pointless to dissect. Because once the two point conversion failed, the game was officially over.

But the game was effectively over before the Chiefs even stepped on the field.

We're four weeks in, and I'm finished with Todd Haley. He's dead to me. I will continue to show up, and support, the team that I love. I just will no longer blindly support them. Nor will I encourage anyone to show up and watch. Not even child rapists deserve punishment as horrible as watching a Chiefs game in person.

Having made my point ... here's your recap.

* Arrived at the stadium right around 7am. There were actually people in every line at gate 6 at 7am to watch a horrendously coached team assume the position on the field. Don't tell me this team's fans aren't loyal to the end.

* the tailgating meal this week? Italian. Spaghetti, rigitoni, mostacholli, meatballs, Italian sausage, some Italian dessert deal, and authentic Olive Garden salad and breadsticks. I am still working my way through this incredible sauce that Nancy made, its a combination of marinara, alfredo, and something else. Unbelievably good.

* nice to see the parking nazis are alive and well at Arrowhead. Here's a hint guys: if you want folks to keep showing up, don't treat them like cattle. Let them park where they want to, within their assigned lots, within reason, and then leave them the hell alone unless they cause problems. Not one, but TWO folks nearly had their cars towed for parking in the back of Lot G next to the buses in a parking spot. They had Lot G red reserved passes. They were causing NOONE an issue. But both our group and the group next to us had to re-arrange the chair situations at our tailgates to accommodate another car. Screw you Steve Schneider and your parking nazis. Here's a thought. And since I've sent this to you via email and in person, I'll state it again: allow folks to save spots until 9am in the front of each lot, or in the grassy areas of each lot. After 9am, if the spot isn't filled, direct cars into it, fine. After 9am, direct cars through your stupid ticket tape to your heart's content. But give folks with wide-ranging groups of people arriving time to hook up and get together without interference from other groups that probably don't want to be in the midst of another gang's tailgate anyways. Its how it was done at Arrowhead prior to 2004. Its how most legitimate cities handle tailgating. Hell, even Sandstone allows you to save spots, IN THE FRONT ROW for Christ's sake, for nearly an hour after the gates open for late-arrivals to your group.

Of course, none of this will matter come December, when 25,000 folks show up to watch the worst Chiefs team of my lifetime. But its the principle that counts.

* Despite a large number of regular folks being at NASCAR, still a solid showing yesterday. Our tailgate went twelve deep, and there were 70,000 that showed up for the game. 60,000 of them legitimately. The lower bowl was filled, the upper deck was solidly filled in, even club level had a couple scatterings of folks.

* KC Wolf's sketch was hysterical for once. I laughed out loud more than once.

* What was not hysterical, was the pathetic Breast Cancer poem / tribute / sh*tfest prior to the National Anthem. Whatever the hell that poem was, its the worst written pile of garbage I've ever heard read out loud. It was the second worst sound in that stadium on Sunday. And yes, if I'm ripping Breast Cancer survivors ... and Jazzercise was not the worst sound ... that leaves only one thing ...

* The National Anthem! Just kidding. Ace Frehley rocked the joint. That was awe-inspiring. No, the worst sound in that stadium Sunday was ...

* Rumble! Yes, Chiefs fans, our "Band" is back. Only, its not a band, its a collection of drum-beating folks who are attempting to apparently infuse our Chiefs experience with a shot of soccer fan. When they "took the field", I literally looked at Chris (and vice versa) and we said the same thing to each other. "What the hell is this?" OK, you want them to "lead the team onto the field", I'm fine with that. Stupid, doesn't make much sense, but hey, changing things up can be good. But when they took their "place" for the game in the TD Pack Band's old stomping ground, I literally spit up the margarita I was working my way through. You do NOT desecrate Tony DiParto, Patti DiParto Livergood and the TD Pack Band like that. I'd like to say that was the final straw for me telling this current regime "screw it, until you're gone, I'm out", only ... well ...

* sometimes, even a blind squirrel finds an acorn. Even twice a day, a broken clock is accurate. As bad as Obama's plan for health care is, the public option is a long overdue necessary reform. I'm reaching for analogies here. But when you do something right ... I have to give credit where its due.

Especially if its of the equine persuasion.

Yup, Warpaint! Back! On the turf! At Arrowhead! I know I wasn't the only person in section 132 who immediately hit his feet and started applauding wildly when that beautiful horse trotted out of the tunnel. It was just awesome to see. Let's make this a regular thing guys. Let's make this a regular thing again.

* So ... here's where normally I'd conclude by saying "its not as bad as it seems". Or "hang in there, we're gonna turn this around". Or "you gotta have faith, this season isn't over". Or some variation of that theme.

Well, I can't say that. Sunday, for the first time ever, I turned next to me, when Nancy asked me the "well?" question regarding if we'd win, and I answered "not a shot in hell". I feel the same way about Sunday. We don't have a shot in hell of beating Dallas. The Cowboys are going to roll in here, have 50% of the stadium rooting for them, and drop a 40 spot on us. I have zero doubt Dallas is going to destroy us on Sunday. I believe this due to the Cowboys desperation (already 2 behind NY and NY has the tiebreaker), and our incompetent Coach Asshat and his staff.

But I do hope, despite your feelings, despite my feelings, that you'll honor the ticket you have, and show up with it on Sunday. If only for the tailgating. The long range forecast looks awesome for mid October (low 70s and sunny). My tailgating group has a sh*tload of friends and fellow fans coming up from Dallas for this game. The tailgating WILL rock the joint. We're attempting to purchase the early-in passes for this week, to ensure we lock up every strip of space at the back of Lot G's grassy knoll for the 30 plus people we're projecting. So show up, have some fun. We're having Texas brisket, slow smoked baked beans, some garlicy cheese mashed taters, a true Texas tailgate. In honor of Texas' two finest original teams. The Cowboys. And the Texans. (aka the Chiefs).

So show up one final time this year. (OK, a next to final time. You know you want to see denver roll in here and stomp us, if only to witness my epic meltdown that will occur after that). But don't hawk your ticket(s). Use it, or them. Whatever you think of this team, of this coach, of this franchise, of this season, at least give it one final chance.

Teams have rallied from 0-4 before. OK, that's a lie. A team has rallied from 0-4. And this team won't be the second. But for one brief moment in time on Sunday, suspend reality. Show up, tailgate, have some fun. Move down by me in 132 and join me in booing Coach Asshat and his minions. And then realize, like I did before the half yesterday, "wait a second. Vodka and sprites are $9 in here. They're free at the bus! Excuse me, excuse me, pardon me, coming through, coming through ..."