Last Week SU: 8-5-0
Season to Date SU: 62-41-0
Last Week ATS: 7-5-1
Season to Date ATS: 52-52-1
Last Week Upset / Week: no donkeys, no win.
Season to Date Upset / Week: 4-3-0
This Week's Upset / Week: I am riding this pony until it collapses, after being whipped to a frothy pulp, unable to stand, move, breathe, or exhibit any signs of life. (Yes, I am fully aware this is in Japanese, but come on, everyone has seen this sequence of scenes. And just watch the poor horse as the entire 10 minutes unfolds. The last horsie left in Atlanta ... and he keels over dead just as he reaches his ultimate destination. Poor guy. What a trooper! What a trooper! How did the special little guy not get an Oscar? One of life's great mysteries). Oh, my pick! denver +3 1/2 over Baltimore.
On to the picks!
* The "Good Times Game of the Week" award goes to ... at Lions (-4) 17, Rams 10. For newer readers, and as a refresher for those who've been getting my picks since the good ol' TA days, when the picks email was THE highlight of every football Friday afternoon, I am a huge, huge, hu-yuge fan of the show "Good Times". Absolutely love it. And every week, I used to designate the worst game on the board as the "Good Times Game of the Week", because any reasonable person would rather sit and watch 3 hours of "Good Times" than watch this clunker. This game, is the very definition of the "GTGOTW". A team that's lost 17 straight, and 21 out of 23, playing on the road against a team that's lost 28 of 30. Ain't we lucky we got 'em? (na na na na na) Good Times!!!
(sadly, a search of tvguide.com reveals that "Good Times" is not airing on any US broadcast channel on Sunday. Sorry, Lions and Rams fans. But you can relive the series finest moment. As someone who reacted to a very good friend's death the exact same way (no emotion to the point of getting asked "what the hell is wrong with you", then come unhinged when the finale rolls around), this one hit home).
* The "Maybe he should drop his pants and reveal himself to the team again" award goes to ... at Colts (-12 1/2) 45, 49ers 17. At halftime of his first game as the 49ers head coach last year, Mike Singletary infamously dropped his pants to reveal to his team the type of, uuh, testicular fortitude they needed to have.
(Personally ... and I say this as someone who, the last time he picked up a basketball, took 45 minutes to advance one spot in "Around the World". Even Kellie had me lapped by shot three. So maybe I'm completely out of touch with the modern male athlete, and simply cannot grasp what flows through his brain at any given time. But, if I was a player, watching my coach drop his pants, expose himself, and encourage me to play with cajones of his size, wouldn't motivate me to play better. I'm just saying. But that might just be me.)
Anyways, I mention this, because my little nephew is currently being potty trained. He's actually doing a pretty good job at it. But what's hilarious, is that he's addicted to pulling down his pants. He thinks the greatest thing in the world is to stand in the middle of a room, say "potty!" and drop his pants. Its funny stuff.
But what's really funny, is that he hasn't figured out yet how to get his pants back up. He hasn't mastered sliding it over the ass yet. So he tries a few times ... then gives up and just starts waddling around the room with his pants around his ankles, until someone helps him out. Classy stuff. Just like Mike Singletary, he's definitely the "life of the party".
(that, or he's going to become the first member of the family to let it all hang out in a prosperous career as an adult entertainer. Probably best to just move on at this point).
* The "Bring Back the Double Header Day" award goes to ... at Eagles (NL) 31, Giants 30. Not sure why USA Today has no line on this one, but I'll take the straight pick 'em when I can. What a day for sports in Philadelphia on Sunday. Eagles / Giants at noon, a lil' tailgating and a cheesesteak in between, and then Yankees / Phillies Game 4 with Cliff Lee on the mound. Good stuff. Speaking of good stuff ...
Beginning in the early 1990s, the best day of the summer was unquestionably the Double Header Day. Royals game at noon, Chiefs preseason game at 7, tailgate early, middle, and late. The last time we had a Double Header Day was 2003, and it has to rank in the top 10 days of my life. Anytime its 90 degrees at 10am, its my kind of day! Plus there were so many hilarious things that happened that day. You had Mike DiFelice start a brawl by tossing a Gatorade container and a trash can at Twins catcher AJ Pierzynski. This was the infamous "Tin Cup" tailgate as well.
I get that the last few years, construction at the Complex has made this day an impossibility. But next summer guys? When construction at Kauffman is done, construction at Arrowhead is virtually done? Let's not be cheap and stingy here in the interest of making a few extra bucks on parking. Bring back the best day of the summer!
(because any day in which you start drinking in that parking lot at 8am ... and are still drinking in that parking lot at midnight, is a winner in my book).
* The "What address should I mail the invite to?" award goes to ... at Packers (-3) 31, Vikings 27. Over / Under on number of "What a homecoming for Brett Favre" lines from Troy Aikman: 1,054. Over / Under on number of times Steve tosses something at the TV over the latest verbal fellating of Brett Favre: 1,093,938,743.
We all know Brett Favre has had quite a last couple years. From Green Bay, to Mississippi, to the swamps of North Jersey, back to Mississippi, and now to the Great North and the snows of Minneapolis. Impressive travel resume. I have a really good friend who is spending a couple years teaching overseas in Germany. Which is awesome, its an experience of a lifetime in and of itself. But in the last few months, these are just a small sampling of the other places she's been blessed enough to visit: the USA. Spain. Greece. Italy. India. And now, Brazil. Wow.
(my way of saying, I'm jealous).
* The "This Game Will Have Huge Playoff Ramifications Come December, Even Though Nobody Sees It Right Now" award goes to ... at Bills (+3 1/2) 20, Texans 17. With only 5 AFC teams currently being more than one game over .500 (and four of those 5 (NE, Cin, Indy, den) in as division winners should the playoffs start today), that means the last wildcard spot is wide open and up for grabs. You've got the Jets at 4-3, the Texans at 4-3. You've got the Ravens and Chargers at 3-3. And you've got the Bills at 3-4. Five teams battling for one spot, all within a game of each other at the midpoint. And two of them face off on Sunday. The winner gets a huge leg up in the race for January football.
* The "You Might Have a Drinking Problem If ..." award goes to: Jaguars (+3) 31, at Titans 10. Everyone remembers Vince Young's infamous drunk poses from a few years ago, raising the tequila bottle in the sky, inside some seedy nightclub, with no shirt in sight? (I remember it, because after laughing for five minutes, the next thought that crossed my mind was "wait ... if this was at Sandstone ... and it was Dave or 311 or Linkin Park ... oh sh*t, I've been that guy ...)
Anyways, you should have seen the tailgating group Sunday after the game. First, the booze was flowing freely and liberally early on. Most of us were feeling pretty good by the time we headed into the game. And then, it started raining. And after standing in the rain for a while, with the Chiefs down 30, everyone started heading back up to the bus. Only, not everyone headed out, so what to do? Sit around and drink! We drained every drop of vodka out of the 2 handles that started the day. Emptied the beer cooler. Somehow, we got back to Russ and Mona's. Which led to the inspired idea of sitting in the hot tub in the rain! (And drinking some more).
By the time the hot tub was maxed out, you had people passed out on a bed, on a couch, and on the floor. You had people falling down and needing assistance to walk. (And yes, you had nudity. You know a party's getting fun when the first thing someone does as they hop in the pool is take their suit off).
And yet somehow, everyone made it to work on Monday. Just goes to show you.
* The "It Actually Lives Up to the Hype" award goes to: broncos (+3 1/2) 28, at Ravens 26. I got "The Book of Basketball" by the Sports Guy last night. I've been looking forward to this thing all summer. As a NBA addict, the mere idea of a 736 page book devoted to the history of the sport from another addict's perspective, had me drooling with anticipation.
I'm currently through page 56 ... and I have yet to skip a word. A lot of books you read, especially early on when they're setting the plot, or whenever it hits a storyline you don't care about, you just flip past the section until you get to something that catches your attention again? I'm nearly a tenth of the way through this thing, and I haven't skipped a word. So far, this thing has exceeded even my ridiculous expectations for it.
* The "Wayne Allyn Root Game of the Week" award goes to ... raiders (+16 1/2) 16, at Chargers 9. The raiders have no quarterback, their head coach is attempting to dodge process servers coming after him with a civil suit for (allegedly) beating up an assistant coach, their defense is in shambles, and the highlight of last week's game was Jets QB Mark Sanchez eating a hot dog on the sideline during the game. The Chargers enter having gotten back to .500, having blown out a bad Chiefs team, and having gotten the offense going with solid games from Philip Rivers, Vincent Jackson, Darren Sproles, and LaDainian Tomlinson. There is no, sane, rational reason to NOT bet San Diego.
Which is why I'm taking oakland outright. Wayne Allyn Root is one of Las Vegas' finest gambling gurus. Hosts a Saturday morning roundtable gambling show that used to be appointment television for me. He wrote a book called "The Zen of Gambling" that is a must read for anyone who enjoys putting a friendly (or not-so-friendly) wager on things. And one of the chapters is devoted to being a contrarian. How when everyone in the gambling public is betting one way ... ALWAYS bet the opposite. Because the gambling public, by in large, are idiots.
You saw this two weeks ago. 84% of the bets in Vegas, went on the Eagles to cover 14 1/2 over the raiders. 84%! The line is intentionally designed to ensure as close to 50/50 betting as possible, and 84% of the public looked at the raiders as two touchdown dogs, at home no less, and said "gimme Philly". We all know what happened. raiders 13, Eagles 9.
Just goes to show you. What. Huh?
* The "We Need to Exorcise a Demon" award goes to ... at Cowboys (-9 1/2) 34, Seahawks 13. I'm buying. Dallas looked really impressive to me last week, blasting a damned good Falcons team. I'm on board. They can win 10, maybe 11, and steal the NFC East.
But once they get to January ... holy Lord. The 1998 meltdown to the Cardinals. The 2003 defeat in Carolina. They lost to Seattle in 2006 on a botched snap on a 20 yard field goal as time expired. They lost in 2007 to the Giants on a 60 yard bomb with less than a minute to play. That's four tough defeats in the span of a decade.
But Seattle? What a decade of frustration!
Go back to 1998, when they missed the playoffs (and Dennis Erickson lost his job) on one of the WORST officiating calls in NFL history, when Vinny Testaverde was tackled at the two, but Phil Luckett ruled touchdown. It was a call so awful, that instant replay, which had been soundly defeated every year since 1990, was approved by a 26-4 margin that offseason.
And as if that isn't a kick in the nuts (yeah, we screwed up, but hey, at least your pain gives everyone else hope!), the Seahawks have lost not one, not two, not even three, but FOUR overtime playoff games this decade! I'm not sh*tting you, FOUR overtime losses! 2003 at Green Bay (The "We Want the Ball, and We're Going to Score" game. Man, I miss Bernie Kukar). 2004 against the Rams (who trailed 27-10 with 8 minutes left, yet won in overtime). 2006 at Chicago. 2007 at Green Bay again.
And the one year they broke through, 2005, the Super Bowl season, is widely regarded as the worst officiated game in NFL playoff history. Seriously, how do you top this on the gutshot level? Six epic postseason defeats in a decade! Probably a good thing Seattle isn't making the playoffs this year ...
* The "HyVee Employee of the Month" award goes to ... at Cardinals (-10) 34, Panthers 3. Kurt Warner famously stocked shelves for HyVee before Dick Vermeil gave him his chance to shine. Jake Delhomme appears to be well on his way to replacing him as shelf-stocking boy with his atrocious play of late.
(Yeah, I had nothing for this matchup).
* The "We're Only Showing This One in the Seventh Layer of Hell" award goes to ... at Bears (-13) 40, Browns 0. Actually, I have to hand it to the Browns fans. They've got a pretty solid protesting idea in place for the Monday nighter in a couple weeks.
(And cue the Steve pointless rant of the day):
Which of course, begs the question: how in the hell did the Cleveland Browns get on "Monday Night Football" this year? How in the hell does a team that went 4-12 last year, that was universally regarded as one of the bottom five franchises in football entering this year, that has one playoff appearance this decade, has lost 10 games or more 8 of their 10 years of existance, how in the name of everything I consider to be holy do they score a national TV appearance? And not just once! They're on twice! We not only have to sit through a 41-3 Ravens ass whipping in two weeks, we have to endure a 55-0 Steelers steamroll in December! How! How the hell does this happen! What network nitwit begged to put the Browns game on their airwaves? And have they been fired yet? This is worse programming than anything NBC is putting on the air, and they've got station managers from across the nation lined up with torches and pitchforks ready to lynch their programming department!
And please, spare me the "well, its because the Dawg Pound is so compelling, and the fans are rabid" excuse. That is absolute bullsh*t if that's the case. The Chiefs last appeared on national television in 2006, a Sunday night defeat in San Diego. Arrowhead is widely regarded as one of the two or three best home field advantages in the league. If ANY team's fanbase deserves a friggin bone for showing up and supporting a sh*tty ass product, its us! Cleveland on national TV twice. Jesus. I'm outraged. This is a friggin joke. To say nothing of their five national TV appearances last year during that "sensational" 4-12 season! Cleveland might have just moved ahead of oakland on my Hate-o-Meter. Actually, they have. cleveland is now no longer to be capitalized or used in a professional, proper manner going forward. Eff you cleveland. Eff you and the overrated ass clowns that masquerade as your fans.
(End Steve pointless rant of the day, today brought to you by Diet Coke and Baked Lays Southwest Ranch flavored chips. Baked Lays Southwest Ranch chips: now available at your local grocers everywhere in the continental United States!)
* The "Stewie Griffin Walking Behind a Fat Guy Playing a Tuba" award goes to: at Jets 31, Dolphins (+4) 28. If Norv Turner is known as Stanley Roper, then dammit, Rex Ryan is now Jake from "Jake and the Fatman". It fits, doesn't it? He's fat. He's obnoxious. I don't particularly like the guy. And yet, he's tremendously talented at his job. It fits the family profile. His dad was a fat, obnoxious (yet talented) coach I despised, best known for decking a fellow coordinator on the sidelines of a must-win season finale. His brother is a fat, obnoxious (yet talented) coach I loathe and despise, best known for the most talked-about lengthy hairdo since Fabio was a household name. Congrats Coach, on your new designation.
Finally,
* The "Line Is Way Too High" award goes to: at Saints 27, Falcons (+10) 24. Total overreaction to last week's epic comeback by New Orleans, and totally predictable defeat by Atlanta in Dallas. Total overreaction. You mean to tell me on a neutral field, that New Orleans is a 7 point favorite? I'm not buying it.
Enjoy the bye week. Enjoy the extra hour of sleep. Enjoy the forecasted 63 and sunny weather on Sunday. And like me, be really, really grateful that this month is over. November will be better! It has to be. It can't be any worse than October was ...
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