hawk football: where the stevorita happens ...

To channel my inner Sports Guy, I have very few rules in life. But anytime you spend the entire 4th quarter making poop jokes, "Family Guy" references, and even haul out the Paul Bunyan joke line from "Great Outdoors", well ... this is Jayhawk Football!

Oy.

I guess I have to recap this ...

* I should have known this was going to be ugly, based on the fact that when I woke up at 8am, I looked over on the table next to the bed, saw a half-consumed screwdriver ... and immediately plowed through it. Not sipped it, not nursed it, plowed it.

* Arrived at G's around 10:30. Thankfully, he and the lovely Ashley are the most gracious hosts ever -- they just stick the bottle of Bailey's next to the coffee for you. Bon appetit!

* Speaking of bon appetit ... the breakfast burritos! Holy Lord. There are not words known to man to describe Ashley's breakfast burritos. There also are not words known to man to describe how excited I get knowing that I'm loved enough by Ashley that she cooks mine separately, to keep the dairy content to a minimum. Awesome, awesome effort.

* Apparently some good times were had by all at that little piece of heaven on unincorporated (and unpaved) 15th Street on Friday night. Probably best to leave it at that.

* Brent, Sarah, and Mark arrived next. Mark with a K. Emphasis on the K. Because apparently Marc with a C is less of a man than Mark with a K. Then again ...

* Mark! Again, I have very few rules in life, but anytime you can spend a day with a guy who states what he thinks with no filter, and has a tremendously awesome sarcastic sense of humor, I jump at that chance. Seriously, this guy was great. He's the guy who patented the "RC ... EP" chant. He's the guy who once proposed to a waitress', uuh, posterior, as it was being shoved in his face at the Outback. He's a guy who literally laid on the, uuh, "table top" at the Outback for two straight songs, just kept feeding the ones into his mouth.

I don't know how else to describe the guy, other than if you took the "best" of Steve, and the "best" of Dusty, you get Mark. Infer from that what you will. I personally loved it. I haven't had that much fun walking around in Lawrence in a long, long time.

* Had never met Sarah before, but she's a keeper. If you're the only girl in a car with me, Gregg, Brent, and Mark, and you can more than hold your own, you're beyond keeper status.

* Left for Lawrence about 10:45. There are two ways to assure you make Lawrence in under 30 minutes: (a) I drive, or (b) Brent drives. (b) came into play today.

* Thankfully, our usual parking spot was wide, wide open. 8th and Ohio rocks. Someday we need to set up tailgate there and just party on the yard.

* I have said it before, and I will say it again: Quinton's is the best bar in Lawrence. I friggin LOVE Quinton's! Just smelling the bacon potato soup bowl puts a smile on your face. (As does the $3 pint sized vodka and sprites that are almost 2/3 vodka).

* I had five vodka and sprites between Quinton's pregame and Harbor Lights post game. Total amount I spent: $0.00. I am a truly blessed man to have friends willing to pick up a tab or two. Especially since I'm flat broke at this point.

* After about 15 minutes at Quinton's, Brent's folks arrived. I love Brent's dad. Brent's mom loves me. Its always good times had by all when they show up.

* Apparently, Brent's dad is a marine biologist. Who knew? :)

* Had some solid drinking, thinking, and talking time at Quinton's. I noted about a third of the way through "dammit, I need to start bringing a recorder to remember all this stuff for the recap". Unfortunately, I was a psychic there. I don't remember a lot of it, other than the "lightning round". It was 12:53, and we wanted to be out the door for the game by 1pm at the latest. (We had stops to make on the way in). So Mark orders another round for the table. I pound the vodka and sprite in about 3 minutes flat, and had two different people ask me "you didn't get another one"? Uuh, yeah, I did. As the breathalyzer later on proved.

* After saying some temporary goodbyes, it was off to Gameday in Lawrence! Which led to hilarious moment of the day numero uno. Some kid comes flying around the corner on 8th, right before Ohio, I mean sprinting. He looks like he's fleeing the cops or something. Instead, he takes a quick right into the back alley, and immediately begins, uuh, relieving himself. This wasn't a "I can wait in line for the port-a-potty, no rush" kind of pee. This was a full on "I'm sprinting for the alley and please, Jesus, let me make it before I erupt" kind of pee. Hilarious to witness. As usual, Mark had some great quips ready for the poor kid. I just wish I could remember them.

* After dropping some stuff off at the car and picking up one (not quite) magical item, it was off to ... well, the next stop on the Magical Mystery Tour. Jensen Liquors. Sadly, no doggie in the window yet again. After dropping a few dollars at that fine establishment, the walk to Memorial Stadium was on!

* No bees this week at 10th and Mississippi in the bushes there. That was nice.

* Decided to head in the gate in section 15, rather than the usual entrance at what used to be section 47. (I think its 30 now. I know its in the low 30s). I surveyed the landscape, picked the far left line with a hot chick scanning tickets, figuring I could at least try to charm her into letting the yute ticket get through. Hilariously, as luck would have it, the two guys in front of me, both about my age, were using yute tickets. She scanned those suckers like a pro. Along with mine.

* Considering we didn't arrive until barely 50 minutes before kickoff, the seats could not possibly have been better. Section 21, Row 51. (Basically visitors side of the field, 45 yard line).

* Face value on the ticket for today's game? $90. Cost of season tickets for us per person? $105. Someday, the visiting teams fans are gonna wise up, buy the Perkins Family Pack like we do, and scalp off the tickets they don't want and possibly turn a profit. (I can't take credit for this common sense thought, Gregg came up with it).

* Consensus of the group: had KU won, rushing the field and chucking the goalpost(s) in Potter Lake was perfectly acceptable. Unfortunately, KU's offense chose to take the day off to deny us that opportunity.

* Very, very disappointing that at least one parachuter didn't have ksu colors. Booing the ksu colored parachuter is tradition, dammit.

* Then again, I congratulate not just the fans (who booed the guy mercilessly), but also KU administration and the PA guy, for giving the halftime hamster roll deal to the kid that didn't cheat. That was great to see. On the other hand, when a hamster ball race with a couple students is the highlight of the game, its probably best to move on.

* Good Ol' JR! Anytime you can attend a sporting event where "Heisman Trophy Winner Sam Bradford" spends half the game talking to WWE announcer (and friggin awesome icon) Jim Ross, you have to do it.

* And by "Heisman Trophy Winner Sam Bradford", well, ask Mark to explain to you how he taught Sammy to play craps. It's certainly a helluva lot cooler than that night in March 1999 when I played blackjack with Joey Fatone of *NSYNC. (But Joey was awesome; multiple rounds for the table, he knew what he was doing, and best of all, we all left up money. I miss Harvey's Casino).

* I am certainly no expert on Jayhawk Football (I defer to my fellow STH's) ... but that was the most pro-KU filled up Memorial Stadium I have ever seen. The fans were fired up and ready. Too bad we basically decided to take a whiz at midfield instead of fighting for a win.

* The one drawback to Mark, and I emphasize its his only drawback that I see ... he LOVED "Sunflower Song". Gregg and Brent, of course, played this up for all its worth, even having him capture multiple formations of said sunflower on camera. Sorry, I don't care how much I get made fun of for it, "Sunflower Song" sucks ass.

* Sign numero dos it wasn't gonna be a good day: Reesing's first pass was horribly underthrown, and OU picked it off. Not exactly how you like to script the start of a game.

* Speaking of signs it wasn't going to be our day: the magical item, the wizardry, the special article of clothing, just bombed. Yup, Brent brought the Jayhawk Snuggie! I gotta admit, after wearing it for a quarter ... that thing is damned warm. I might need to invest in one before the Nebraska game.

* The first moment I thought we had a chance: replay overturned an OU touchdown after that opening INT. OU had 1st and goal at the (literally) 8 inch line. First down, Jones up the middle. No gain. Second down, Jones up the middle, no gain. Third down, OU RB (Murray didn't play) pitch right, loss of two. That fourth down play, was the loudest I have ever heard Memorial Stadium. Sadly, OU scored on a great inside trap play. But the D showed up today. You can't pin this loss on KU's defense. They fought for every inch.

* The Reesing Pick 6 ... or TaINT ... was both a great play by OU's cornerback, and a TURRIBLE underthrow by Reesing. I don't know what was wrong with Todd today. Maybe he was intimidated facing OU. (Which makes no sense; he threw for 440 in Norman last year in a tough loss). Maybe the offensive gameplan handicapped him (we didn't throw it deeper than 15 yards until late in the 3rd quarter). Maybe he's sick, hurt, or in some form of non-playing mode. But Reesing stunk up the joint today. He was ... well, TURRIBLE.

* And yet, KU only trailed 14-6 at the half, thanks to a jaw-dropping Jacob Brandstetter FG from 57 as time expired. To recap it: OU had 4th and like 5 at their own 35. Up 14-3, about 1:55 to go. I argued to Brent and everyone else around me "go after the punt!" KU sent three ... and one sorta kinda got through. Enough that OU's punter dropped the snap. And promptly got tackled, to temporarily keep hope alive.

* What sucked though, were the two tools in front of us, who were complaining that (a) KU wisely bled the clock to :02 remaining, and (b) KU didn't try the Hail Mary from the OU 39. The wind was horrific today, but if you had it at your back, you were good from 60 plus. That Brandstetter FG was good from 65. He had a sh*t ton of room to spare.

* I'd be lying if I said I knew what the Pride of Kansas performed at halftime. We were too busy trading off between corny jokes, and ripping the two idiots in front of us who were hacked at Reesing and Mangino, to such a degree that it wasn't just frustration, it was hatred. Really guys? You wouldn't be sitting there if both weren't on this team. I hate bandwagon fans that are completely ignorant. Again, I defer to my fellow STH's, because I didn't go to KU. But I've attended pretty much every game in that stadium since I moved back here in 1999. I'm pretty damned sure, by this point, I know just about all the "regulars" in our area of the student section. I'm pretty sure Gregg and Brent do too. You see the same folks every week, every year. These morons I'd never seen before. Thankfully, Gregg gave them some, uuh, "advice" on how to spend their evening together, and it rhymes with "buck boo".

* What I found most interesting about the game entering the second half? There was no sense of panic or fear in the crowd. I think most of the 51,404 that attended thought the same thing as me. "Once Reesing finds the end zone, it'll open the floodgates". Holy crap was I wrong.

* The third quarter ... seriously, if you're an aspiring coach trying to rise through the ranks. If you're an OU fan. If you're a fan of football in general. Just replay OU in the third quarter on Saturday. It was a friggin clinic in how to win a football game. As much as I hated it live, it was just jaw-dropping awesome to witness. This was beyond a woodshed beating of a quarter. This was ... this was Bob Stoops humiliating his opponent.

* After that horrendous third quarter, the fourth quarter was pretty much spent "old school KU Football style". Which meant me, Gregg and Brent cracking jokes, stupid "Family Guy" references, a few "Great Outdoors" blasts, anything for a laugh. Eventually the poop jokes started making the rounds. Hey, when you're down 29 at home, you gotta find entertainment somewhere.

* Left after the game, and shockingly, did not stop at the Burrito King. I was absolutely stunned by that development. But there was a good reason why. Because ...

* (bruce hornsby and the range voice) Let's all go down to the Harbor Lights! Hadn't been to that bar in a while. And I gotta say, its possibly Lawrence's most underrated drinking establishment. Wound up spending a solid hour and a half in that joint. Met back up with Brent's folks, met some friends of theirs, Gregg's in-laws and a few other assorted relatives made it, just good times with good people over good libations. That's all you can ask for on a Saturday, I think.

* Lots of pics taken at Harbor Lights. Mark and Sarah started going camera crazy. Got a nice shot of the "four and a half pack" laid out on the pool table. Got some nice group poses. And of course, one for the ages. Steve and Rita making out. (cougar voice) grrrrrr ...

(Somehow, I'm guessing Brent doesn't find this as funny as everyone else does. But come on man, your mom effing rocks! You gotta love Rita).

* the drive home? Sugarland. Ugh. Look it, Jennifer Nettles is hot as hell, and yes, their music is decent, but I am not a country music fan. Plus, as good as her cover of "Come On Get Higher" is, the best part of the song, she butchers. (I see angels and devils and God when you come! ... on, hold on, hold on ...) Matt Nathanson just nails that part of it. (Which he should, considering its his song). She just doesn't get it. But that's ok.

* Anything I forgot, there's a comments section on this thing for a reason. Now its regroup for Chiefs football time. Good God, another day of this, Gregg, Brent, Steve and Mark with quips, one-liners, and completely inappropriate jokes that bring the house down. Damn I love football ...