Allow me to vent for one minor moment.
I received an allegedly humorous “Bill Self Choking Guide” email in my work inbox right before I left for the day. And like most rational people, I kind of chuckled at it, because it was at least slightly humorous.
But what pisses me off, is this notion that Bill Self is a “choker”. In Self’s eight years at the helm of the Hawks, KU has made 8 NCAA tournaments, won 18 postseason games, reached 5 Sweet Sixteen’s, 4 Elite 8’s, 1 Final Four, and won a national championship. That’s a helluva resume. Here’s how it breaks down year by year:
Self:
2004: 4 seed, lost Elite 8 to 3 seed.
2005: 3 seed, lost first round to 14 seed.
2006: 4 seed, lost first round to 13 seed.
2007: 1 seed, lost Elite Eight to 2 seed.
2008: 1 seed, national champions.
2009: 3 seed, lost Sweet Sixteen to 2 seed.
2010: 1 seed, lost second round to 9 seed.
2011: 1 seed, lost Elite 8 to 11 seed.
That’s choking? Come on. I would argue that a 1 seed should reach the Elite 8 bare minimum. Under that definition, KU choked once – last year, to Northern Iowa, by a whopping three points. I would also agree that the 2005 and 2006 first round flameouts were a “choke”. The other five though, how are these a choke? Losing to a higher seed, like in 2004 and 2009, is not a “choke”. Losing in the Elite 8 is not a choke. And winning a national title is anything but a choke.
So fine, let’s say Self “choked” three times (although I’d argue it was only two – Bradley was criminitely underseeded in 2006. Criminitely underseeded. And they proved it by reaching the Sweet Sixteen and nearly reaching the Elite 8, barely losing to Memphis. But still, its a 4/13, it's a choke).
But for sh*ts and giggles, let’s compare the “choker” to the most highly respected coach in basketball today, Coach K at Duke:
Coach K 2004-2011:
2004: 1 seed, lost Final Four.
2005: 1 seed, lost Sweet Sixteen to 5 seed.
2006: 1 seed, lost Sweet Sixteen to 5 seed.
2007: 6 seed, lost first round to 11 seed.
2008: 2 seed, lost second round to 7 seed.
2009: 2 seed, lost Sweet Sixteen to 3 seed.
2010: 1 seed, national champions.
2011: 1 seed, lost Sweet Sixteen to 5 seed.
You want to talk about a choker? Sweet Jesus, this guy wrote the book on it! Five different times as a one seed, and three times he crapped out before the Elite 8. CHOKE! The other three years, he lost to a lower seed short of the Elite 8. CHOKE! Duke has legitimately CHOKED out six of the last eight tournaments, yet nobody talks about Coach K as a choker. And look at who some of these flameouts were too. 2006, to LSU. LSU! They haven’t been relevant since Dale Brown was still somewhat respected! 2008, they beat Belmont by one point, then got annihiliated by West Virginia, hardly a powerhouse in the John Beilein days. They crapped out to an Arizona team this year that dropped 55 on them in the second half!
And my favorite, their spectacular loss in the opening round in 2007, to? Give you anti-KU folks five seconds to guess. It’s the win that established this team’s program. That’s right, the team that launched VCU to national prominence as a tourney threat, was Duke, getting its ass kicked by Eric Maynor and company in 2007.
If you want to call Self a “choker” fine. But there’s a helluva lot bigger chokers in the game than Bill Self. One of whom is a legend of the sport who somehow, someway, crapped out two wins shy of breaking Bob Knight’s record this year. Now THAT’S a choke job.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Monday, March 28, 2011
this week's poll question ...
is to the right of this post.
You can vote as often as you like. Come on, I'm a Democrat. Of course I encourage stuffing the ballot box!
For what it's worth, I have 3 of the 4 ready to go ... so my next couple posts probably won't be one of the four options, since I will wait until the voting has closed.
But vote for what you want. And if you missed it from last week, if you are even remotely entertained by this site, please, feel free to tell me why in the comments. Even the most crazy among us need a shout-out every now and then ...
And yes, I miscounted the posts initially. And yet some company still employs me as an accountant. God bless it, I live the charmed life! Oh, and I won't vote until there's at least one vote in the poll. I know what my preferred choice is, but I want to give the reading public what makes them chuckle in the second office around 9:30 every workday morning ...
You can vote as often as you like. Come on, I'm a Democrat. Of course I encourage stuffing the ballot box!
For what it's worth, I have 3 of the 4 ready to go ... so my next couple posts probably won't be one of the four options, since I will wait until the voting has closed.
But vote for what you want. And if you missed it from last week, if you are even remotely entertained by this site, please, feel free to tell me why in the comments. Even the most crazy among us need a shout-out every now and then ...
And yes, I miscounted the posts initially. And yet some company still employs me as an accountant. God bless it, I live the charmed life! Oh, and I won't vote until there's at least one vote in the poll. I know what my preferred choice is, but I want to give the reading public what makes them chuckle in the second office around 9:30 every workday morning ...
Sunday, March 27, 2011
my 2011 mlb picks: a lost soul rediscovers his faith
I remember March 2004 perhaps way too well.
Partly because of my unfortunate “night of incarceration” that happened during WrestleMania XX. Partly because of the Good Friday excursion to everyone’s favorite “steak house” that resulted in our buddy Pickell’s (at the time) wife and her (apparently very friendly) female companion putting on a show that shamed the “waitresses” on stage.
And partly due to what I still think is Bill Self’s best coaching job ever, somehow getting the 2003-2004 Jayhawks into the Elite 8, a game KU led for exactly 0:00 seconds, somehow taking the Jarrett Jack and Chris Bosh led Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets to overtime before falling in defeat. (And as a side note: there ain’t much worse in life than walking out of the whatever the hell it’s called Dome in St. Louis in a freaking monsoon, knowing your car is fifteen blocks away, after your team whizzes away a Final Four berth. That drive home was awful).
But mostly, I remember March 2004 for what at the time, was viewed as a total positive.
Me and the ex-roommate, Gregg, bought full season tickets for what promised to be THE most exciting, intriguing, best season of Royals baseball since 1994.
The 2003 Royals somehow, some way, improbably contended into mid-September. Between myself and my various collection of friends, I found my way into a seat at the K nearly every game that year from mid-June on. Rather than pay box office or scalper prices, it only made sense to jump on the bandwagon, to say “hell yes I believe in this team”, and give them $800 up front for the privilege of watching the Boyz N Blue play ball.
I remember going to the Fed Ex plant there on 99th and Lackman, to pick up our ticket books. I remember the anticipation, the awe, the “hey, you realize we might be buying playoff tickets six months from now!” optimism on the car ride home from said Fed Ex plant.
And to be fair, the 2004 Royals didn’t disappoint at first. Opening Day was in many ways the high point of the season. A beautiful sunny Monday afternoon in early April. It was a great weather day (loosely defined in Stevo-terminology as “sunny and warm enough to ditch the shirt early”). I remember walking in at about 3pm to take my seat, on the front row of the upper deck, section 336, row 1, seat 2, remember high-fiving the roommate, and thinking:
“This is gonna be amazing”.
For one day … it was. The Royals trailed by four runs entering the bottom of the ninth. It was 7-3 White Sox. And then, amazing happened:
Down 7-3, the Royals somehow loaded the bases … with light-weight, little-hitting shortstop Mendy Lopez coming up. I turned to “The Voice of Reason” and dropped this instant classic:
“If he goes yard, I’ve got dinner at Morton’s”.
Second pitch, bam! Over the fence. Mendy effing Lopez has just tied this game! I turn back to “The Voice of Reason” and was like “uuh yeah, that was a joke”. We compromised and settled for running up my credit card at Famous Dave’s a couple hours later.
And then, on the heels of that, a two run blast from Carlos “Tito” Beltran to win the game 9-7! I mean, how do I phrase this? This is the freaking Royals! We NEVER pull this off!
The Royals opened 4-2 in that first week. I know this because (a) I went to all six games, (b) the first Royals game DJ and I ever went to was that Thursday day game (and that’s a recap story in and of itself), and (c) the “Voice of Reason” was constantly updating me from his location in Augusta, watching both his and my favorite golfer finally, somehow, some way, break through and win a freaking major, Mickelson winning the Masters.
Over the next month or so, still went to every game, even as the Royals started to tank. I remember a game in late April on a Sunday against the Twins, when DJ and “Deadbeat Ex Roomie” scored the company four pack, so Gregg and I ditched our tickets and opted for club level. The Royals lost 4-3. I remember a few somewhat disasterous mid-May games. And then …
There was the Friday before Memorial Day. When “The Messiah”, as I nicknamed him, made his major league debut. Zack Greinke, against the Twins again, on a lovely Friday night in late May. The Royals won 2-1. Greinke gave up 1 run in 8 innings. I distinctly remember turning to Jasson, who used Gregg’s ticket, and saying “this kid is gonna be something really special”. Every once in a while, I’m right.
The next memorable moment? A couple weeks later, against the Cardinals. It was a Saturday night … and the Royals somehow kept coming back. It was the first time my scorebook had to employ a second sheet (it went up to 12 innings per sheet). Royals lost it in the 13th, and lost Sunday’s game as well.
Then the next week, a gorgeous Sunday afternoon with perfect Steve weather (aka sunny and ridiculously hot). My favorite pitcher, Tom Glavine, squaring off against The Messiah. To say I was happier than a guy getting lucky for the first time is a grouse understatement. I don’t know to this day that I’ve ever looked forward to a baseball game more than that one. And it didn’t disappoint – both Glavine and Greinke looked good, as the Mets won 5-2 via a couple runs off yet another epically awful Royals bullpen.
The last memory of that season? A Saturday day game against the Twins right after the All Star break. Gregg had given up on going at that point. I remember Phil used his ticket, and … well, let’s just say between Phil, Jon, myself, and whoever else was there, so much alcohol was consumed that we had to sleep it off before anyone could even think of attempting to drive home.
And that … was the last time I went to a Royals game that season.
A few years after that, I stopped going to Opening Day.
By 2009, my Sunday religious event stopped occurring. (More on this in two paragraphs).
Last year, I went to four games – Brett’s birthday tailgate, Memorial Day because the ex bribed me into it; a Sunday day game with DJ, Kellie and Katie, and the 350,001st ouncer. I left a fifth one (for Anthony's birthday) before first pitch because it looked like it might rain. That’s it. From diehard to dead.
Let me explain.
NOBODY loved the Royals and baseball itself, more than me growing up, and well into my 20s. I remember me, my brother, my dad, and our buddies Ryan and Trent heading out there every Sunday. Even through 2002, 2003, I’d still manage to find someone to go to every Sunday game with between Gregg, Jasson, James, my brother, Chris or Sam. It was tradition. A Sunday morning tailgate followed by a day of baseball was to me, what going to Mass on a Sunday is for religious folks. You don’t question it, you don’t ask why you’re doing it, you just know its what you’re supposed to do on a Sunday morning.
I mention this, because for many people my age and older who used to be huge baseball fans and now have gravitated to other sports or interests, they’ll tell you it was the 1994 strike that ended the love of the game for them. Not only did the strike not ruin my interest (because the players had no choice – the owners were cheating the rules to implement a salary cap, something even the federal judiciary called and fined them over), but if anything the 1995 season resparked my interest in the game, because the Royals were in it until mid-September (they actually led the wild card standings as late as September 17th), and the place I was then residing had a team in the thick of the AL West race, the Texas Rangers (who’d win it 3 of the 4 years I lived in the Metroplex). In no other sport is a race for a championship as much fun as it is in baseball, because literally every day the stakes change. Every day a new theme emerges, a new front-runner emerges. A pennant race rules, as we as a city rediscovered in 2003.
No, it wasn’t the strike, or growing older, or the changes of life that killed my love of the game. It was the utter ineptitude of the Royals organization, and specifically that 2004 season, when they took me in for the sucker I am, and played me like a government mule.
(It also didn't help that my fallback Sunday "worshipper, my buddy James, passed away in August 2004. Sunday at that place hasn't been the same since).
Go back four paragraphs. The Sunday tailgate and ballgame WAS to me. It’s a past tense sentence. Times change. People change. But one thing that hasn’t changed, that up until now has seemingly refused to change, is that Royals fans had no reason to hope for anything good. If we were lucky, we might get off to a good start that could hold up through June (like in 2009) before the roof collapsed, and we reverted back to the 95 loss team the Royals have been for seemingly forever.
(The 2003 Royals are the only Royals team since the strike to post a winning record. The next closest team? The 1995 team, which finished 70-74 and was in absolute free-fall the last three weeks of the season, just like the 2003 team was. No other Royals team has finished closer than 12 games under .500 other than those two, since the strike).
Losing takes its toll on anyone. Every Chiefs fan is nodding and shaking their head right now. Part of what made 2010 so great, is not that the team came from nowhere, stunned the world, and won the AFC West and hosted only our second playoff home game in the last 13 years. (And played only our third playoff game in that stretch).
No, what made that season so awesome for me, was that I sat through every second of the previous three years to get to this point. The 2010 Chiefs won as many games as the 2007, 2008, and 2009 Chiefs combined – ten. As I said many times during the season – I don’t want to come off as elitist, or one of those people who says you have to have season tickets to be a diehard fan, because I am anything but an elitist, and I know many a diehard fan that has, at one point or another, refused to financially support the team they live and die with, because of the grouse incompetence of the front office. Many people in my tailgate group reached that point after 2008. A “prove it to us” mentality. Which is exactly what my mentality with the Royals was, post 2004 through today. You prove to me there’s a reason to hope, there’s a reason to believe this team can actually raise another flag in the outfield plaza, and maybe I’ll consider coming back.
(Let’s see which savvy reader … ok, let’s see if any reader out there isn’t baked or buzzed right now. Reread that previous paragraph, and the sentence to focus on will stand out. It’s ok, take your time. I need another beer anyways).
Did you catch it? One word, that’s what you’re looking for, just one word that redefines where I’m going with this lengthy baseball predictions post that has yet to have a single prediction after nearly 3 ½ pages in Word and counting.
OK, I’ll clue in the clueless. One reason I love writing so much is that words have meaning. In this case, a simple three letter word, was. It WAS my attitude post 2004 through today.
Because now? We as Royals fans have reason to hope. We have reason to be optimistic. Maybe not for 2011. I’m still not going to Opening Day, I still have no intentions of stepping foot in that stadium until it is a perfect Steve day. But once that day hits, preferably on a Sunday, I'll be there with my "book of religious instruction" in hand, ready to sit on the front pew and pay rapt attention to what the "minister" is selling.
Because just like a lapsed person of faith who rediscovers his God and begins attending Mass every Sunday after years of avoiding a place of worship … I’m ready to come back. Partly because, let’s face it, there ain’t a lot of things in life more hysterical than watching me stare in utter shock, horror, and disbelief as somehow, someway, Dusty has kicked my ass at washers again. I don’t know how he does it. We went to a game in 2007, a late August day game, and I led 14-2. I lost 16-14 when he hit 3 straight 3 pointers, then hit a 4th to tie it coming back the other way. I’m not kidding – I nearly broke my foot kicking stuff.
But mostly because, Sunday at a Royals game is my blanket, it’s my Sunday tradition. After a few years off the wagon, it’s time to get back on. Because the talent on its way, arriving starting in early to mid June in all likelihood, is amongst the best not only in franchise history, but in the history of the sport. If even 25% of these kids make it, and you have to figure the actual percentage that will carve out more than a cup-of-coffee stay at the major league level is better than 1 out of 4, if even 25% of these prospects pan out, holy God what a powerhouse we’re building.
For the first time since the opening weeks of that 2004 season, Royals fans have reason to hope. There’s a brighter future on the horizon. Sure, we might have to suffer through a rough couple opening months before the talent starts to arrive, but once it starts arriving, things are about to get really fun out there, I think.
Having said that, here are my 2011 season predictions, and as someone about to rediscover my “faith”, I am anxiously anticipating that first Sunday morning tailgate that I trust you all will be arriving to “worship” at when the times comes.
NL East:
1. Phillies
2. Braves
3. Marlins
4. Nationals
5. Mets
NL Central:
1. Brewers
2. Reds
3. Cubs
4. Cardinals
5. Astros
6. Pirates
NL West:
1. Rockies
2. Giants
3. Padres
4. Dodgers
5. Diamondbacks
Playoff Teams: Phillies, Brewers, Rockies, Giants (wild card)
AL East:
1. Red Sox
2. Yankees
3. Blue Jays
4. Rays
5. Orioles
AL Central:
1. Twins
2. White Sox
3. Tigers
4. Royals
5. Indians
AL West:
1. A’s
2. Rangers
3. Angels
4. Mariners
Playoff Teams: Red Sox, Twins, A’s, Yankees (wild card)
Divisional Round Playoffs:
Phillies over Giants, Brewers over Rockies
Red Sox over A’s, Twins over Yankees
Championship Round Playoffs:
Phillies over Brewers, Twins over Red Sox
World Series: Phillies over Twins.
World Champions: Philadelphia Phillies.
Partly because of my unfortunate “night of incarceration” that happened during WrestleMania XX. Partly because of the Good Friday excursion to everyone’s favorite “steak house” that resulted in our buddy Pickell’s (at the time) wife and her (apparently very friendly) female companion putting on a show that shamed the “waitresses” on stage.
And partly due to what I still think is Bill Self’s best coaching job ever, somehow getting the 2003-2004 Jayhawks into the Elite 8, a game KU led for exactly 0:00 seconds, somehow taking the Jarrett Jack and Chris Bosh led Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets to overtime before falling in defeat. (And as a side note: there ain’t much worse in life than walking out of the whatever the hell it’s called Dome in St. Louis in a freaking monsoon, knowing your car is fifteen blocks away, after your team whizzes away a Final Four berth. That drive home was awful).
But mostly, I remember March 2004 for what at the time, was viewed as a total positive.
Me and the ex-roommate, Gregg, bought full season tickets for what promised to be THE most exciting, intriguing, best season of Royals baseball since 1994.
The 2003 Royals somehow, some way, improbably contended into mid-September. Between myself and my various collection of friends, I found my way into a seat at the K nearly every game that year from mid-June on. Rather than pay box office or scalper prices, it only made sense to jump on the bandwagon, to say “hell yes I believe in this team”, and give them $800 up front for the privilege of watching the Boyz N Blue play ball.
I remember going to the Fed Ex plant there on 99th and Lackman, to pick up our ticket books. I remember the anticipation, the awe, the “hey, you realize we might be buying playoff tickets six months from now!” optimism on the car ride home from said Fed Ex plant.
And to be fair, the 2004 Royals didn’t disappoint at first. Opening Day was in many ways the high point of the season. A beautiful sunny Monday afternoon in early April. It was a great weather day (loosely defined in Stevo-terminology as “sunny and warm enough to ditch the shirt early”). I remember walking in at about 3pm to take my seat, on the front row of the upper deck, section 336, row 1, seat 2, remember high-fiving the roommate, and thinking:
“This is gonna be amazing”.
For one day … it was. The Royals trailed by four runs entering the bottom of the ninth. It was 7-3 White Sox. And then, amazing happened:
Down 7-3, the Royals somehow loaded the bases … with light-weight, little-hitting shortstop Mendy Lopez coming up. I turned to “The Voice of Reason” and dropped this instant classic:
“If he goes yard, I’ve got dinner at Morton’s”.
Second pitch, bam! Over the fence. Mendy effing Lopez has just tied this game! I turn back to “The Voice of Reason” and was like “uuh yeah, that was a joke”. We compromised and settled for running up my credit card at Famous Dave’s a couple hours later.
And then, on the heels of that, a two run blast from Carlos “Tito” Beltran to win the game 9-7! I mean, how do I phrase this? This is the freaking Royals! We NEVER pull this off!
The Royals opened 4-2 in that first week. I know this because (a) I went to all six games, (b) the first Royals game DJ and I ever went to was that Thursday day game (and that’s a recap story in and of itself), and (c) the “Voice of Reason” was constantly updating me from his location in Augusta, watching both his and my favorite golfer finally, somehow, some way, break through and win a freaking major, Mickelson winning the Masters.
Over the next month or so, still went to every game, even as the Royals started to tank. I remember a game in late April on a Sunday against the Twins, when DJ and “Deadbeat Ex Roomie” scored the company four pack, so Gregg and I ditched our tickets and opted for club level. The Royals lost 4-3. I remember a few somewhat disasterous mid-May games. And then …
There was the Friday before Memorial Day. When “The Messiah”, as I nicknamed him, made his major league debut. Zack Greinke, against the Twins again, on a lovely Friday night in late May. The Royals won 2-1. Greinke gave up 1 run in 8 innings. I distinctly remember turning to Jasson, who used Gregg’s ticket, and saying “this kid is gonna be something really special”. Every once in a while, I’m right.
The next memorable moment? A couple weeks later, against the Cardinals. It was a Saturday night … and the Royals somehow kept coming back. It was the first time my scorebook had to employ a second sheet (it went up to 12 innings per sheet). Royals lost it in the 13th, and lost Sunday’s game as well.
Then the next week, a gorgeous Sunday afternoon with perfect Steve weather (aka sunny and ridiculously hot). My favorite pitcher, Tom Glavine, squaring off against The Messiah. To say I was happier than a guy getting lucky for the first time is a grouse understatement. I don’t know to this day that I’ve ever looked forward to a baseball game more than that one. And it didn’t disappoint – both Glavine and Greinke looked good, as the Mets won 5-2 via a couple runs off yet another epically awful Royals bullpen.
The last memory of that season? A Saturday day game against the Twins right after the All Star break. Gregg had given up on going at that point. I remember Phil used his ticket, and … well, let’s just say between Phil, Jon, myself, and whoever else was there, so much alcohol was consumed that we had to sleep it off before anyone could even think of attempting to drive home.
And that … was the last time I went to a Royals game that season.
A few years after that, I stopped going to Opening Day.
By 2009, my Sunday religious event stopped occurring. (More on this in two paragraphs).
Last year, I went to four games – Brett’s birthday tailgate, Memorial Day because the ex bribed me into it; a Sunday day game with DJ, Kellie and Katie, and the 350,001st ouncer. I left a fifth one (for Anthony's birthday) before first pitch because it looked like it might rain. That’s it. From diehard to dead.
Let me explain.
NOBODY loved the Royals and baseball itself, more than me growing up, and well into my 20s. I remember me, my brother, my dad, and our buddies Ryan and Trent heading out there every Sunday. Even through 2002, 2003, I’d still manage to find someone to go to every Sunday game with between Gregg, Jasson, James, my brother, Chris or Sam. It was tradition. A Sunday morning tailgate followed by a day of baseball was to me, what going to Mass on a Sunday is for religious folks. You don’t question it, you don’t ask why you’re doing it, you just know its what you’re supposed to do on a Sunday morning.
I mention this, because for many people my age and older who used to be huge baseball fans and now have gravitated to other sports or interests, they’ll tell you it was the 1994 strike that ended the love of the game for them. Not only did the strike not ruin my interest (because the players had no choice – the owners were cheating the rules to implement a salary cap, something even the federal judiciary called and fined them over), but if anything the 1995 season resparked my interest in the game, because the Royals were in it until mid-September (they actually led the wild card standings as late as September 17th), and the place I was then residing had a team in the thick of the AL West race, the Texas Rangers (who’d win it 3 of the 4 years I lived in the Metroplex). In no other sport is a race for a championship as much fun as it is in baseball, because literally every day the stakes change. Every day a new theme emerges, a new front-runner emerges. A pennant race rules, as we as a city rediscovered in 2003.
No, it wasn’t the strike, or growing older, or the changes of life that killed my love of the game. It was the utter ineptitude of the Royals organization, and specifically that 2004 season, when they took me in for the sucker I am, and played me like a government mule.
(It also didn't help that my fallback Sunday "worshipper, my buddy James, passed away in August 2004. Sunday at that place hasn't been the same since).
Go back four paragraphs. The Sunday tailgate and ballgame WAS to me. It’s a past tense sentence. Times change. People change. But one thing that hasn’t changed, that up until now has seemingly refused to change, is that Royals fans had no reason to hope for anything good. If we were lucky, we might get off to a good start that could hold up through June (like in 2009) before the roof collapsed, and we reverted back to the 95 loss team the Royals have been for seemingly forever.
(The 2003 Royals are the only Royals team since the strike to post a winning record. The next closest team? The 1995 team, which finished 70-74 and was in absolute free-fall the last three weeks of the season, just like the 2003 team was. No other Royals team has finished closer than 12 games under .500 other than those two, since the strike).
Losing takes its toll on anyone. Every Chiefs fan is nodding and shaking their head right now. Part of what made 2010 so great, is not that the team came from nowhere, stunned the world, and won the AFC West and hosted only our second playoff home game in the last 13 years. (And played only our third playoff game in that stretch).
No, what made that season so awesome for me, was that I sat through every second of the previous three years to get to this point. The 2010 Chiefs won as many games as the 2007, 2008, and 2009 Chiefs combined – ten. As I said many times during the season – I don’t want to come off as elitist, or one of those people who says you have to have season tickets to be a diehard fan, because I am anything but an elitist, and I know many a diehard fan that has, at one point or another, refused to financially support the team they live and die with, because of the grouse incompetence of the front office. Many people in my tailgate group reached that point after 2008. A “prove it to us” mentality. Which is exactly what my mentality with the Royals was, post 2004 through today. You prove to me there’s a reason to hope, there’s a reason to believe this team can actually raise another flag in the outfield plaza, and maybe I’ll consider coming back.
(Let’s see which savvy reader … ok, let’s see if any reader out there isn’t baked or buzzed right now. Reread that previous paragraph, and the sentence to focus on will stand out. It’s ok, take your time. I need another beer anyways).
Did you catch it? One word, that’s what you’re looking for, just one word that redefines where I’m going with this lengthy baseball predictions post that has yet to have a single prediction after nearly 3 ½ pages in Word and counting.
OK, I’ll clue in the clueless. One reason I love writing so much is that words have meaning. In this case, a simple three letter word, was. It WAS my attitude post 2004 through today.
Because now? We as Royals fans have reason to hope. We have reason to be optimistic. Maybe not for 2011. I’m still not going to Opening Day, I still have no intentions of stepping foot in that stadium until it is a perfect Steve day. But once that day hits, preferably on a Sunday, I'll be there with my "book of religious instruction" in hand, ready to sit on the front pew and pay rapt attention to what the "minister" is selling.
Because just like a lapsed person of faith who rediscovers his God and begins attending Mass every Sunday after years of avoiding a place of worship … I’m ready to come back. Partly because, let’s face it, there ain’t a lot of things in life more hysterical than watching me stare in utter shock, horror, and disbelief as somehow, someway, Dusty has kicked my ass at washers again. I don’t know how he does it. We went to a game in 2007, a late August day game, and I led 14-2. I lost 16-14 when he hit 3 straight 3 pointers, then hit a 4th to tie it coming back the other way. I’m not kidding – I nearly broke my foot kicking stuff.
But mostly because, Sunday at a Royals game is my blanket, it’s my Sunday tradition. After a few years off the wagon, it’s time to get back on. Because the talent on its way, arriving starting in early to mid June in all likelihood, is amongst the best not only in franchise history, but in the history of the sport. If even 25% of these kids make it, and you have to figure the actual percentage that will carve out more than a cup-of-coffee stay at the major league level is better than 1 out of 4, if even 25% of these prospects pan out, holy God what a powerhouse we’re building.
For the first time since the opening weeks of that 2004 season, Royals fans have reason to hope. There’s a brighter future on the horizon. Sure, we might have to suffer through a rough couple opening months before the talent starts to arrive, but once it starts arriving, things are about to get really fun out there, I think.
Having said that, here are my 2011 season predictions, and as someone about to rediscover my “faith”, I am anxiously anticipating that first Sunday morning tailgate that I trust you all will be arriving to “worship” at when the times comes.
NL East:
1. Phillies
2. Braves
3. Marlins
4. Nationals
5. Mets
NL Central:
1. Brewers
2. Reds
3. Cubs
4. Cardinals
5. Astros
6. Pirates
NL West:
1. Rockies
2. Giants
3. Padres
4. Dodgers
5. Diamondbacks
Playoff Teams: Phillies, Brewers, Rockies, Giants (wild card)
AL East:
1. Red Sox
2. Yankees
3. Blue Jays
4. Rays
5. Orioles
AL Central:
1. Twins
2. White Sox
3. Tigers
4. Royals
5. Indians
AL West:
1. A’s
2. Rangers
3. Angels
4. Mariners
Playoff Teams: Red Sox, Twins, A’s, Yankees (wild card)
Divisional Round Playoffs:
Phillies over Giants, Brewers over Rockies
Red Sox over A’s, Twins over Yankees
Championship Round Playoffs:
Phillies over Brewers, Twins over Red Sox
World Series: Phillies over Twins.
World Champions: Philadelphia Phillies.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
idol top 11: results show recap
I almost never watch the Idol results show until it hits the last four or five contestants left. Why? Because at this point of the competition, it's obvious who's going home, so why waste an hour of my time only to see the obvious?
Then ... came Thursday night. Not only was this arguably "Idol"'s best ever results show from a "the results were WHAT?!?!" perspective ... but consider everything you had in the last twenty minutes:
* a shirtless Hulk Hogan.
* said shirtless Hulk Hogan "cold cocking" Ryan Seacrest into the studio audience.
* a shocking (non) elimination.
* a contestant dropping an "Oh My F*cking God!" on live television.
* a contestant who nearly died on stage.
* multiple contestants dropping other varieties of the seven forbidden words of network television, so much so that FOX had to instantly leap from actually being live, to pausing for seven seconds. And ...
* Paul consuming a whole batch of birthday brownies for Steven Tyler that may or may not have been the type of brownies I love to consume. (Hint: they contain a special ingredient that is finally, thankfully, slowly yet surely being legalized across this great nation of ours).
A show this epic, this amazing, demands a recap. Too bad we have to endure the first 40 minutes to get to the jaw-droppingly awesome 20. Cut the music, dim the lights, THIS ... is your American Idol Results Show Recap.
* We open with a pointless nearly minute long "what is Motown sound" recap from last night. I'd tell you more about it, but I nearly passed out from banging my head on the coffee table at listening to that last minute of my life.
* Should also mention: this is the first post from the new computer. Yay Stevo entering the mid 1990s and finally buying a laptop yesterday! I'm gonna miss the old desktop though. That thing had some great times, especially at "reputable singles site" back in the day.
* Remind me again: how in the bloodiest of bloody hell's did Lee DeWyze win this competition? And how did Jennifer Hudson, Chris Daughtry, Elliott Yamin, Kimberley Locke, and the greatest contestant ever, Blake Lewis, NOT win this competition?
(In Blaker's defense ... Jordin was better. But still. It's an outrage).
* I cannot even begin to put into words what Steven Tyler is wearing, other than please, if I ever show up for any event in life wearing a leopard skin shirt unbuttoned to my crotch, and a pink ascot covering up the exposed portion of my chest caused by said unbuttoned shirt, and I'm wearing a pair of jeans with ass-and-crotchless chaps on the outside of them? Please ... put me out of my misery. This is beyond horrendous to look at.
(Yes, he is wearing chap-like pants. And an ascot. And a leopard skin unbuttoned shirt tucked into said chap-like pants. And the sad thing is, it works for him. Slap my ass and call me Charlie).
* At the 2 minute mark, a girl that can't be older than 12 is holding a sign that says "Steven Tyler, Take My # Baby!" Well, at least there's one adult in this nation that is a worse parent than I'll ever be.
* Seacrest wearing the 1980s grey suit with pencil thin tie. I like it. I'm pretty sure I still have that exact ensemble in the back of my closet somewhere.
* Sugarland and Jennifer Hudson are tonight's guest performers. I like it. (randy jackson voice) That Jennifer Nettles is hot dawg! Yo yo yo!
* Our Top 11 come out to perform their first number of the night. No, wait, head fake, they're going to a pre-taped segment. You know, if James Durbin had full length body tats, he'd look just like the lead singer of Good Charlotte.
* Our mentor for some reason this week? Mark Anthony. I'm going with "making sure Steven Tyler isn't stalking my wife" as his primary reason for hanging out on the Idol set. But sure, sure, we'll go with "guest mentor there to help Idols overcome pitch problems", whatever's clever.
* If you had 4:58 for the first "bleep!" with a huge Idol symbol over someone's mouth, congratulations, you're a winner. Mark Anthony dropping the s bomb.
* 5:27 mark, he drops the f bomb. I like this guy! He's the (bleep!)ing bomb!
* 5:49 mark, he trashes his wife's critique of Pia. OK, let's add "ogle arguably the hottest Idol contestant ever" to the list of "real reasons Mark Anthony is here tonight".
(Gotta admit, I'm not even 6 minutes into a 41 minute broadcast (watching this on Channel 131), and I'm cracking up reading my own thoughts. This one might be an all timer ... and we're still 20 minutes away from Hulk Hogan ripping off his shirt and b*tch slapping Seacrest ...)
* Anthony is genuinely p*ssed at his wife's judging of Pia. This is hysterical to watch.
* 6:18 mark, focus in on his wedding ring. I gotta ask: is there any dude in America that has punted further beyond his coverage than Mark Anthony? Other than Dusty of course, that's the benchmark (rimshot!)
* 6:38 mark, more making fun of JLo's judging. I really like this guy.
* 7 minute mark, Anthony offers to "do this again. You can get me really cheap!" That was a thoroughly enjoyable segment. If they had more of those, I'd actually watch this results show more often.
* Should be group performance time (aka drink refill and hit the head).
* We go to the judges, and let's just say, I hope the couch is comfy Mr. Anthony. I hope the couch is comfy.
* Yup, group time. "Ain't No Mountain High Enough". Jacob our opening singer. Now all involved. Only moment worth mentioning -- Paul refusing to even embrace Naima in the group hug-a-long. I'm going with "turned him down a few days ago" on the excuse-o-meter.
Other than that, this is excruciating, in a "the Royals are starting WHO?!?! at Yankee Stadium today?!?!" kind of way.
* (good ol' jr voice) Good God! That's ... That's Stevie Wonder's Music!!! (WrestleMania XXVII! One week from tomorrow!)
* Stevie Wonder! In the hizzouse! "Signed, Sealed, Delivered"! Hang on, gotta stand and clap.
And for what it's worth, even Stevie thinks Steven Tyler's outfit is the worst thing he's ever seen. (groans from the audience). Oh come on, the blind guy jokes never get old!
That was simply phenomenal. Awesome times there for the last couple minutes. Everyone in the IdolDome eating this up, as am I. Great moment there.
(And to think, the moments I tuned in for are still to come! This could be epic by the time it's over!)
* 11:16 mark: NASCAR Nation represent! Joey Logano and your Daytona 500 winner Trevor Bayne in the hizzouse! Next to some token black guy. But hey, it's NASCAR guys! (NASCAR Sprint Cup at Fontana, 3pm Sunday, only on ... you guessed it, FOX).
* Stevie sings Steven a Happy Birthday song, complete with a psychadelic painting of Mr. Tyler. Words cannot do this scene justice.
* For what it's worth, Steven has now added a leather vest to go with the pink ascot, unbuttoned leopard skin shirt, and ass-and-crotchless chaps over jeans. Its these little details that make my recaps so amusing, I believe. And yes, he really is wearing what I just typed in the previous sentence.
* OK, I know at some point in time, we're all embarrassed by what total tools our folks can be ... but don't you all feel a sh*t ton of pity for Liv Tyler? I mean, ass-and-crotchless chaps! On the number one rated television show in America! With a pink ascot to boot! Not even the great Ralph Ferley looked this clueless on "Three's Company"! F*ck, I wish I had SnagIt on this new laptop to capture the image. I might need to download than when this is done and update this post, the image is that giggle-inducing.
(And I'm still below the f bomb quotient the Idol contestants are about to unleash upon us).
Hell, not even Kid (clap!) Dy-No-Mite looked this outrageous on "Good Times"! (Coming to Stanford and Sons May 4-8. Just sayin').
* That Ford Idols commercial they just aired is worse than any KC Wolf sketch. Yes, I just said they were worse than KC Wolf. Please pick your jaws up off the floor before continuing to read.
* You can participate in a scavenger hunt for a new 2012 Ford Focus. Uuh thanks, but I'll pass.
* 15 minutes in, we finally get some results. Lauren, Pia, Scotty. All should be safe. All are.
* 15:26, our first FOX edit of the night of a live portion of the broadcast! Pia definitely dropped the "oh sh*t!" blast!
* 15:38, Scotty definitely copped a feel of Pia's ass during that hug. Attakid!
* Seacrest: "We have three empty stools, a lot of uneasiness on the couch". I just type it, I don't make it up.
* We come back from break with Sugarland doing "Stuck Like Glue". For what it's worth, Steven Tyler's ascot is pinker than Jennifer Nettles' suit coat, but it's a photo finish to determine that. Although why Jen felt the need to channel Olivia Newton John's outfit in the "Let's Get Physical" video, I have no idea. Really Jen, green spandex? Really?
* I think Steven Tyler needs to break out the Zubaz pants. That's the only way his outfit tonight can be topped. I'm pretty sure "The Voice of Reason" still has a pair or two you can borrow.
* 20:15 mark we hit the "James is a huge wrestling fan" puff piece. I've been told Pia wrestles with the guys. If that is the case, I might need a 23 second ... ok, 17 second break, from this recap.
* In the voice of The Miz, THAT ... was awesome! Unfortunately, no kiddie pools filled with jello, vaseline, or KY lube was involved in filming Pia's portion of that segment, but hey, she likes to pillow fight! My kind of girl!
* James and Paul the next two to face the Idol executioner.
* Tyler's reaction at 21:57 is priceless. He looks more loopy than me in the parking lot after a NASCAR race. More stuff you can't make up -- Tyler compared Paul's vibe to Willie Nelson. Yup, I completely agree with that. Because unlike President Clinton, Willie has definitely inhaled.
* In this case, said Idol executioner is ... Hulk Freaking Hogan!!! Coming out on stage to "Eye of the Tiger"!!! What, Derringer demanded too much in royalties? Still, this ... this is epic. This is beyond epic. I literally spit my vodka and Sprite out seeing his entrance. This is epic.
* Immediate reactions: JLo laughing hysterically, Stefano jumping up and down like me before a huge Chiefs play, and James hitting the floor and slapping it silly. This is awesome with a capital A baby!
* Hogan's cold cock of Seacrest is quite possibly the funniest thing I have ever seen in my life that didn't involve monkeys, midgets, or Dusty after a smoke session. That was beyond hilarious. This is friggin hilarious! Hogan ripping the t-shirt in two before taking it off just puts it over the top. I can't begin to do this justice, it's that freaking hilarious.
* Jacob, Thia, Stefano up next. At best, two of these are safe. Jacob first, he's safe. Thia ... grab a stool. Stefano, my puppy / pony / rooster in this race, up next. Grab a stool?!?! Oh sh*t.
* Both of them look ok, probably because there's still Naima or Haley to bail them out. Only ... holy sh*t! Naima's safe! So it has to be Haley right? Holy sh*t! It's Casey! Casey AND Stefano in the bottom three! Hang tight, this could get ugly fast!
* Naima looks genuinely p*ssed at that. I'm guessing Haley puts out and she doesn't.
* 30:26 mark -- I told you it was Joey Logano and Trevor Bayne! Seacrest recognizes them at long last. I don't know much, but I do know NASCAR. And I really want to know who the token, looks happy as hell to be here black guy next to Trevor is. Because he looks really familiar, in a "I should know who this dude is" kind of way. This is gonna drive me bat sh*t crazy until I wake up at 3:34am and think "oh! It's (insert name here) dumbf*ck! How'd you forget that!"
* Time for Jennifer Hudson. Another three minutes of filler before the epic climax to this epic episode.
* Seacrest notes she's "Idol"'s only Oscar winner. Apparently David Hernandez' efforts in his miniseries showcasing his nude dancing capabilities didn't win in the documentary category. Tragic, truly tragic.
* George Huff from season six's top 12 as a backup singer for JHud! Nice to see the field filler still being, uuh, field filler.
* If Seacrest drags this out any longer, it's gonna measure 10 inches and officially qualify as "damn nature! You scary!" sh*t. Come on, get to the damned results already.
* Oh sh*t! Seacrest immediately sends Thia back to safety! Aw Hell No! No! You can NOT send home Stefano! No! No, No, No, No, No!!! Stevo forbids it! No! You can NOT send home Stefano!
* 35:30 mark: Stefano looks completely defeated as he hugs Thia. He looks completely defeated. Like me leaving the denver game in 2009 defeated. This is NOT a good sign.
* Why I Don't Watch This Live: Seacrest just went to commercial. In a related development, I am experiencing severe chest pains and shortness of breath over Stefano possibly getting the boot. But screw my health -- you're damned right I just poured a really stiff vodka and Sprite to brace for this.
* Seacrest welcomes us back. Welcome isn't the word I'm thinking of right now.
* To say that every person on that stage was stunned, and I mean "the jaw descended straight to the center of the earth" stunned, is an understatement. Casey is your lowest vote getter! How the f*ck does this happen! How! Is the American voting public really this god d*mned mother f*cking stupid?!?! (steve checking who our President is). Yup, never mind, we really are this god d*mned mother f*cking stupid.
* 36:41: Randy mouths a "F*ck. Wow". More to come.
* 36:43: Stefano in tears. Casey has turned a very unhealthy shade of white. He's whiter than my bare ass right now, and that is NOT a good thing, seeing as how that thing has never seen the light of day.
* 36:45: a very lengthy "no noise for seven seconds" pause, as FOX takes us from live to the seven second delay. They knew this was coming. God d*mned Janet Jackson showing us her pierced tit on FOX seven years ago. Made this less epic than it could have been.
* 36:54: If Haley's mouth was any more wide open, you'd assume we were two years in the future on the scene of her latest production, "Oral Pleasures 17". To say the contestants are beside themselves, is an understatement.
* 36:58: James and Stefano in tears embracing each other. This one ranks among the most epic upsets in Idol history, behind only Blaker somehow, someway, knocking Melinda Doolittle out in the final three of season six to make the Finals. (You're welcome Mr. Lewis. I'm still awaiting repayment of my text messaging bill from that month, which I believe came to $1,038,385,385,327,375,273.45).
* 37:10: Casey chooses to sing "I Don't Need No Doctor" as his lifesaver performance. Probably a bad choice, given his medical issues.
* 37:16: Seacrest emphasizes we're live again.
* 37:25: Haley's crying like she just finished shooting a scene from her latest motion picture, "Anal Wars 42", coming straight to DVD in October 2015.
* 37:47: Randy halts the proceedings! Whoa! Never before have the judges cut short a lifesaver performance!
* 38:02: to say the judges are visibly pissed at America's vote, is an understatement.
* 38:07: Tyler: "this is crazy wrong". Yup.
* In the nine seconds between that phrase and Tyler saying "we're keeping you on", Casey pukes in his hands, collapses to the stage floor, and is being held up by Seacrest. Basically, me at Harpo's back in the day after dancing to "Bye Bye Bye" on quarter draw night.
* 38:21: he said it! "Oh my f*cking God!" Not even Stevie Wonder can doubt what his lips were reading! Jesus I love this show.
* Casey literally grabbing at his tie, loosening it, he can't breathe. In his defense, every single action he's taken over the last 30 seconds, is exactly what I would have done. Including the "Oh My F*cking God!" blast
* Casey thanking the judges in a completely out of it state of mind. He looks like an extra on "Fiddler on the Roof", but we'll go with it, this is epic live television.
* 38:51: he drops it again, "Oh my f*cking God!" This show is the best.
* 38:58: after hugging Tyler, "I can't f*cking believe it!" Well, if Stefano is my puppy in this show, Casey's definitely my pony.
* 38:59-39:11: complete silence, as Casey sits down and begins talking to Seacrest. I can only imagine what colorful adjectives were used there, and I'm guessing they rhyme with "buck", "whit", and "runt".
* 39:19: Casey goes to hug his mom, who drops the "I love you so much" line on him mid-embrace. The difference between my mom and his -- mine would have beat my ass to a bloody pulp for dropping multiple f bombs on national TV. On the other hand, Dad would have high-fived me and possibly asked for Pia's number. Gotta love the 'rents.
* 40:13: says it "scared the shi .. stuff out of me".
And after some judges advice, we're out.
Epic television. Anyone who says Idol is dead, needs their head examined ...
Then ... came Thursday night. Not only was this arguably "Idol"'s best ever results show from a "the results were WHAT?!?!" perspective ... but consider everything you had in the last twenty minutes:
* a shirtless Hulk Hogan.
* said shirtless Hulk Hogan "cold cocking" Ryan Seacrest into the studio audience.
* a shocking (non) elimination.
* a contestant dropping an "Oh My F*cking God!" on live television.
* a contestant who nearly died on stage.
* multiple contestants dropping other varieties of the seven forbidden words of network television, so much so that FOX had to instantly leap from actually being live, to pausing for seven seconds. And ...
* Paul consuming a whole batch of birthday brownies for Steven Tyler that may or may not have been the type of brownies I love to consume. (Hint: they contain a special ingredient that is finally, thankfully, slowly yet surely being legalized across this great nation of ours).
A show this epic, this amazing, demands a recap. Too bad we have to endure the first 40 minutes to get to the jaw-droppingly awesome 20. Cut the music, dim the lights, THIS ... is your American Idol Results Show Recap.
* We open with a pointless nearly minute long "what is Motown sound" recap from last night. I'd tell you more about it, but I nearly passed out from banging my head on the coffee table at listening to that last minute of my life.
* Should also mention: this is the first post from the new computer. Yay Stevo entering the mid 1990s and finally buying a laptop yesterday! I'm gonna miss the old desktop though. That thing had some great times, especially at "reputable singles site" back in the day.
* Remind me again: how in the bloodiest of bloody hell's did Lee DeWyze win this competition? And how did Jennifer Hudson, Chris Daughtry, Elliott Yamin, Kimberley Locke, and the greatest contestant ever, Blake Lewis, NOT win this competition?
(In Blaker's defense ... Jordin was better. But still. It's an outrage).
* I cannot even begin to put into words what Steven Tyler is wearing, other than please, if I ever show up for any event in life wearing a leopard skin shirt unbuttoned to my crotch, and a pink ascot covering up the exposed portion of my chest caused by said unbuttoned shirt, and I'm wearing a pair of jeans with ass-and-crotchless chaps on the outside of them? Please ... put me out of my misery. This is beyond horrendous to look at.
(Yes, he is wearing chap-like pants. And an ascot. And a leopard skin unbuttoned shirt tucked into said chap-like pants. And the sad thing is, it works for him. Slap my ass and call me Charlie).
* At the 2 minute mark, a girl that can't be older than 12 is holding a sign that says "Steven Tyler, Take My # Baby!" Well, at least there's one adult in this nation that is a worse parent than I'll ever be.
* Seacrest wearing the 1980s grey suit with pencil thin tie. I like it. I'm pretty sure I still have that exact ensemble in the back of my closet somewhere.
* Sugarland and Jennifer Hudson are tonight's guest performers. I like it. (randy jackson voice) That Jennifer Nettles is hot dawg! Yo yo yo!
* Our Top 11 come out to perform their first number of the night. No, wait, head fake, they're going to a pre-taped segment. You know, if James Durbin had full length body tats, he'd look just like the lead singer of Good Charlotte.
* Our mentor for some reason this week? Mark Anthony. I'm going with "making sure Steven Tyler isn't stalking my wife" as his primary reason for hanging out on the Idol set. But sure, sure, we'll go with "guest mentor there to help Idols overcome pitch problems", whatever's clever.
* If you had 4:58 for the first "bleep!" with a huge Idol symbol over someone's mouth, congratulations, you're a winner. Mark Anthony dropping the s bomb.
* 5:27 mark, he drops the f bomb. I like this guy! He's the (bleep!)ing bomb!
* 5:49 mark, he trashes his wife's critique of Pia. OK, let's add "ogle arguably the hottest Idol contestant ever" to the list of "real reasons Mark Anthony is here tonight".
(Gotta admit, I'm not even 6 minutes into a 41 minute broadcast (watching this on Channel 131), and I'm cracking up reading my own thoughts. This one might be an all timer ... and we're still 20 minutes away from Hulk Hogan ripping off his shirt and b*tch slapping Seacrest ...)
* Anthony is genuinely p*ssed at his wife's judging of Pia. This is hysterical to watch.
* 6:18 mark, focus in on his wedding ring. I gotta ask: is there any dude in America that has punted further beyond his coverage than Mark Anthony? Other than Dusty of course, that's the benchmark (rimshot!)
* 6:38 mark, more making fun of JLo's judging. I really like this guy.
* 7 minute mark, Anthony offers to "do this again. You can get me really cheap!" That was a thoroughly enjoyable segment. If they had more of those, I'd actually watch this results show more often.
* Should be group performance time (aka drink refill and hit the head).
* We go to the judges, and let's just say, I hope the couch is comfy Mr. Anthony. I hope the couch is comfy.
* Yup, group time. "Ain't No Mountain High Enough". Jacob our opening singer. Now all involved. Only moment worth mentioning -- Paul refusing to even embrace Naima in the group hug-a-long. I'm going with "turned him down a few days ago" on the excuse-o-meter.
Other than that, this is excruciating, in a "the Royals are starting WHO?!?! at Yankee Stadium today?!?!" kind of way.
* (good ol' jr voice) Good God! That's ... That's Stevie Wonder's Music!!! (WrestleMania XXVII! One week from tomorrow!)
* Stevie Wonder! In the hizzouse! "Signed, Sealed, Delivered"! Hang on, gotta stand and clap.
And for what it's worth, even Stevie thinks Steven Tyler's outfit is the worst thing he's ever seen. (groans from the audience). Oh come on, the blind guy jokes never get old!
That was simply phenomenal. Awesome times there for the last couple minutes. Everyone in the IdolDome eating this up, as am I. Great moment there.
(And to think, the moments I tuned in for are still to come! This could be epic by the time it's over!)
* 11:16 mark: NASCAR Nation represent! Joey Logano and your Daytona 500 winner Trevor Bayne in the hizzouse! Next to some token black guy. But hey, it's NASCAR guys! (NASCAR Sprint Cup at Fontana, 3pm Sunday, only on ... you guessed it, FOX).
* Stevie sings Steven a Happy Birthday song, complete with a psychadelic painting of Mr. Tyler. Words cannot do this scene justice.
* For what it's worth, Steven has now added a leather vest to go with the pink ascot, unbuttoned leopard skin shirt, and ass-and-crotchless chaps over jeans. Its these little details that make my recaps so amusing, I believe. And yes, he really is wearing what I just typed in the previous sentence.
* OK, I know at some point in time, we're all embarrassed by what total tools our folks can be ... but don't you all feel a sh*t ton of pity for Liv Tyler? I mean, ass-and-crotchless chaps! On the number one rated television show in America! With a pink ascot to boot! Not even the great Ralph Ferley looked this clueless on "Three's Company"! F*ck, I wish I had SnagIt on this new laptop to capture the image. I might need to download than when this is done and update this post, the image is that giggle-inducing.
(And I'm still below the f bomb quotient the Idol contestants are about to unleash upon us).
Hell, not even Kid (clap!) Dy-No-Mite looked this outrageous on "Good Times"! (Coming to Stanford and Sons May 4-8. Just sayin').
* That Ford Idols commercial they just aired is worse than any KC Wolf sketch. Yes, I just said they were worse than KC Wolf. Please pick your jaws up off the floor before continuing to read.
* You can participate in a scavenger hunt for a new 2012 Ford Focus. Uuh thanks, but I'll pass.
* 15 minutes in, we finally get some results. Lauren, Pia, Scotty. All should be safe. All are.
* 15:26, our first FOX edit of the night of a live portion of the broadcast! Pia definitely dropped the "oh sh*t!" blast!
* 15:38, Scotty definitely copped a feel of Pia's ass during that hug. Attakid!
* Seacrest: "We have three empty stools, a lot of uneasiness on the couch". I just type it, I don't make it up.
* We come back from break with Sugarland doing "Stuck Like Glue". For what it's worth, Steven Tyler's ascot is pinker than Jennifer Nettles' suit coat, but it's a photo finish to determine that. Although why Jen felt the need to channel Olivia Newton John's outfit in the "Let's Get Physical" video, I have no idea. Really Jen, green spandex? Really?
* I think Steven Tyler needs to break out the Zubaz pants. That's the only way his outfit tonight can be topped. I'm pretty sure "The Voice of Reason" still has a pair or two you can borrow.
* 20:15 mark we hit the "James is a huge wrestling fan" puff piece. I've been told Pia wrestles with the guys. If that is the case, I might need a 23 second ... ok, 17 second break, from this recap.
* In the voice of The Miz, THAT ... was awesome! Unfortunately, no kiddie pools filled with jello, vaseline, or KY lube was involved in filming Pia's portion of that segment, but hey, she likes to pillow fight! My kind of girl!
* James and Paul the next two to face the Idol executioner.
* Tyler's reaction at 21:57 is priceless. He looks more loopy than me in the parking lot after a NASCAR race. More stuff you can't make up -- Tyler compared Paul's vibe to Willie Nelson. Yup, I completely agree with that. Because unlike President Clinton, Willie has definitely inhaled.
* In this case, said Idol executioner is ... Hulk Freaking Hogan!!! Coming out on stage to "Eye of the Tiger"!!! What, Derringer demanded too much in royalties? Still, this ... this is epic. This is beyond epic. I literally spit my vodka and Sprite out seeing his entrance. This is epic.
* Immediate reactions: JLo laughing hysterically, Stefano jumping up and down like me before a huge Chiefs play, and James hitting the floor and slapping it silly. This is awesome with a capital A baby!
* Hogan's cold cock of Seacrest is quite possibly the funniest thing I have ever seen in my life that didn't involve monkeys, midgets, or Dusty after a smoke session. That was beyond hilarious. This is friggin hilarious! Hogan ripping the t-shirt in two before taking it off just puts it over the top. I can't begin to do this justice, it's that freaking hilarious.
* Jacob, Thia, Stefano up next. At best, two of these are safe. Jacob first, he's safe. Thia ... grab a stool. Stefano, my puppy / pony / rooster in this race, up next. Grab a stool?!?! Oh sh*t.
* Both of them look ok, probably because there's still Naima or Haley to bail them out. Only ... holy sh*t! Naima's safe! So it has to be Haley right? Holy sh*t! It's Casey! Casey AND Stefano in the bottom three! Hang tight, this could get ugly fast!
* Naima looks genuinely p*ssed at that. I'm guessing Haley puts out and she doesn't.
* 30:26 mark -- I told you it was Joey Logano and Trevor Bayne! Seacrest recognizes them at long last. I don't know much, but I do know NASCAR. And I really want to know who the token, looks happy as hell to be here black guy next to Trevor is. Because he looks really familiar, in a "I should know who this dude is" kind of way. This is gonna drive me bat sh*t crazy until I wake up at 3:34am and think "oh! It's (insert name here) dumbf*ck! How'd you forget that!"
* Time for Jennifer Hudson. Another three minutes of filler before the epic climax to this epic episode.
* Seacrest notes she's "Idol"'s only Oscar winner. Apparently David Hernandez' efforts in his miniseries showcasing his nude dancing capabilities didn't win in the documentary category. Tragic, truly tragic.
* George Huff from season six's top 12 as a backup singer for JHud! Nice to see the field filler still being, uuh, field filler.
* If Seacrest drags this out any longer, it's gonna measure 10 inches and officially qualify as "damn nature! You scary!" sh*t. Come on, get to the damned results already.
* Oh sh*t! Seacrest immediately sends Thia back to safety! Aw Hell No! No! You can NOT send home Stefano! No! No, No, No, No, No!!! Stevo forbids it! No! You can NOT send home Stefano!
* 35:30 mark: Stefano looks completely defeated as he hugs Thia. He looks completely defeated. Like me leaving the denver game in 2009 defeated. This is NOT a good sign.
* Why I Don't Watch This Live: Seacrest just went to commercial. In a related development, I am experiencing severe chest pains and shortness of breath over Stefano possibly getting the boot. But screw my health -- you're damned right I just poured a really stiff vodka and Sprite to brace for this.
* Seacrest welcomes us back. Welcome isn't the word I'm thinking of right now.
* To say that every person on that stage was stunned, and I mean "the jaw descended straight to the center of the earth" stunned, is an understatement. Casey is your lowest vote getter! How the f*ck does this happen! How! Is the American voting public really this god d*mned mother f*cking stupid?!?! (steve checking who our President is). Yup, never mind, we really are this god d*mned mother f*cking stupid.
* 36:41: Randy mouths a "F*ck. Wow". More to come.
* 36:43: Stefano in tears. Casey has turned a very unhealthy shade of white. He's whiter than my bare ass right now, and that is NOT a good thing, seeing as how that thing has never seen the light of day.
* 36:45: a very lengthy "no noise for seven seconds" pause, as FOX takes us from live to the seven second delay. They knew this was coming. God d*mned Janet Jackson showing us her pierced tit on FOX seven years ago. Made this less epic than it could have been.
* 36:54: If Haley's mouth was any more wide open, you'd assume we were two years in the future on the scene of her latest production, "Oral Pleasures 17". To say the contestants are beside themselves, is an understatement.
* 36:58: James and Stefano in tears embracing each other. This one ranks among the most epic upsets in Idol history, behind only Blaker somehow, someway, knocking Melinda Doolittle out in the final three of season six to make the Finals. (You're welcome Mr. Lewis. I'm still awaiting repayment of my text messaging bill from that month, which I believe came to $1,038,385,385,327,375,273.45).
* 37:10: Casey chooses to sing "I Don't Need No Doctor" as his lifesaver performance. Probably a bad choice, given his medical issues.
* 37:16: Seacrest emphasizes we're live again.
* 37:25: Haley's crying like she just finished shooting a scene from her latest motion picture, "Anal Wars 42", coming straight to DVD in October 2015.
* 37:47: Randy halts the proceedings! Whoa! Never before have the judges cut short a lifesaver performance!
* 38:02: to say the judges are visibly pissed at America's vote, is an understatement.
* 38:07: Tyler: "this is crazy wrong". Yup.
* In the nine seconds between that phrase and Tyler saying "we're keeping you on", Casey pukes in his hands, collapses to the stage floor, and is being held up by Seacrest. Basically, me at Harpo's back in the day after dancing to "Bye Bye Bye" on quarter draw night.
* 38:21: he said it! "Oh my f*cking God!" Not even Stevie Wonder can doubt what his lips were reading! Jesus I love this show.
* Casey literally grabbing at his tie, loosening it, he can't breathe. In his defense, every single action he's taken over the last 30 seconds, is exactly what I would have done. Including the "Oh My F*cking God!" blast
* Casey thanking the judges in a completely out of it state of mind. He looks like an extra on "Fiddler on the Roof", but we'll go with it, this is epic live television.
* 38:51: he drops it again, "Oh my f*cking God!" This show is the best.
* 38:58: after hugging Tyler, "I can't f*cking believe it!" Well, if Stefano is my puppy in this show, Casey's definitely my pony.
* 38:59-39:11: complete silence, as Casey sits down and begins talking to Seacrest. I can only imagine what colorful adjectives were used there, and I'm guessing they rhyme with "buck", "whit", and "runt".
* 39:19: Casey goes to hug his mom, who drops the "I love you so much" line on him mid-embrace. The difference between my mom and his -- mine would have beat my ass to a bloody pulp for dropping multiple f bombs on national TV. On the other hand, Dad would have high-fived me and possibly asked for Pia's number. Gotta love the 'rents.
* 40:13: says it "scared the shi .. stuff out of me".
And after some judges advice, we're out.
Epic television. Anyone who says Idol is dead, needs their head examined ...
Thursday, March 24, 2011
for post numero ... uuh 380 ...
I'm just keeping it short and simple.
I will keep blogging no matter what, because I like doing this. I love the "Idol" recaps (and in four weeks, live blogs). I love the Chiefs recaps (and live blogs). I love the KU stuff. I love letting people into my life, because honestly, I think I'm one of the most effed up people walking the planet, and if former NFL players are donating their brains to science, well, (shannon voice) yours needs to go too someday Stevo! But not someday soon!
So my question is this ...
It's been a while since anyone commented, or checked an option at the bottom of the post, about anything on this site. I know people read it because I get emails at work, and hear about what I wrote, from various folks. But a little appreciation would be deserved.
If you like what I write, if you hate what I write, would it kill you to check a box at the bottom of the column? Or send me a "you rock stevo!" or (and I'm calling you out Chris ... excuse me, "anonymous") a "the NBA sucks! How can you spend time writing about the NBA?!?!" comment again?
Ask anyone who knows me. I'm as reasonable ... ok, not really. I'm as rational ... ok, scrap that. But -- on this one I know I'm right! -- I am the one person in life you will ever meet who does not worry about the obvious, and doesn't take himself seriously. Its a survival trait. It's served me way too well over the years. Expect the worst, and deal with it when it comes.
Having said that, I have some ideas for this site going forward that I want to do -- more podcasts, more webcam interactive deals, more guest columns (and yes chica, I'm still waiting for the first one, hint hint) ... basically ... I'm 34. It's time to make some changes in life. You can only do the obvious for so long before the obvious becomes you.
Saturday I went to my step-cousin's wedding. I don't know the guy all that well. I honestly don't want to know the guy all that well. But one thing I respect about him -- both he and his ex-wife saw the writing on the wall, pulled the plug on a failed marriage ... and both emerged as better people and parents because of it. Their daughter looked beautiful. His ex-wife was in the audience Saturday. They're friends, and exes. (Hey, I know that routine!)
Here's my point -- I've done reinsurance accounting for 12 years and counting. I'm better than this. I know where my passion lies. It lies in ... uuh, alcohol and weed. (Just kidding mom! Only occasionally it lies in weed).
No, my passion lies in being able to express what I think, what I believe. It lies in being a writer. At the risk of sounding like Lucas Scott (everyone other than Damien voice: who?), at the risk of that, it's what I want to do. I don't have a great American novel in me. I sure as all hell don't have Mr. Holland's Opus in me. But I might have something fun to read and entertaining as hell in me if given the chance. Maybe it's time to go for it.
I just know this: if the 15-20 people who confess to "regularly reading the site" can't comment at this point, it's time to pull the plug. So please, if you think I'm at least semi-entertaining, let me know in the comments, let me know in this freaky voting feature at the bottom ...
Or at least email me and say "hey champ, keep it up. You make me laugh my ass off in the second office every morning you post". I don't ask for much. I certainly don't make much off this, since I refuse to post ad links that could raise $.02 a click. (I refuse, REFUSE!, to insult your intelligence).
In the next 18 months, we have an election coming up, we have conventions, (and God knows my live blogs / recaps were off the charts in 2008!), we have a baseball season that, for the first time since 2004, I am fired up about (just wait until Sunday's post ... uuh scratch that, might be Monday if KU does the expected on Friday and Sunday ... anyways, I've been working on this for three f*cking weeks, and I'm the guy who last year said he was done with baseball).
I guess what I'm trying to say is this: it's cool if nobody ever comments or clicks or responds on the site. But every once in a while, (dr. evil voice) throw me a friggin' bone! I love doing this. Let me know I'm not alone, I guess.
(And if not? Hell, like I'll stop posting? (ochocinco voice) Child please!)
I will keep blogging no matter what, because I like doing this. I love the "Idol" recaps (and in four weeks, live blogs). I love the Chiefs recaps (and live blogs). I love the KU stuff. I love letting people into my life, because honestly, I think I'm one of the most effed up people walking the planet, and if former NFL players are donating their brains to science, well, (shannon voice) yours needs to go too someday Stevo! But not someday soon!
So my question is this ...
It's been a while since anyone commented, or checked an option at the bottom of the post, about anything on this site. I know people read it because I get emails at work, and hear about what I wrote, from various folks. But a little appreciation would be deserved.
If you like what I write, if you hate what I write, would it kill you to check a box at the bottom of the column? Or send me a "you rock stevo!" or (and I'm calling you out Chris ... excuse me, "anonymous") a "the NBA sucks! How can you spend time writing about the NBA?!?!" comment again?
Ask anyone who knows me. I'm as reasonable ... ok, not really. I'm as rational ... ok, scrap that. But -- on this one I know I'm right! -- I am the one person in life you will ever meet who does not worry about the obvious, and doesn't take himself seriously. Its a survival trait. It's served me way too well over the years. Expect the worst, and deal with it when it comes.
Having said that, I have some ideas for this site going forward that I want to do -- more podcasts, more webcam interactive deals, more guest columns (and yes chica, I'm still waiting for the first one, hint hint) ... basically ... I'm 34. It's time to make some changes in life. You can only do the obvious for so long before the obvious becomes you.
Saturday I went to my step-cousin's wedding. I don't know the guy all that well. I honestly don't want to know the guy all that well. But one thing I respect about him -- both he and his ex-wife saw the writing on the wall, pulled the plug on a failed marriage ... and both emerged as better people and parents because of it. Their daughter looked beautiful. His ex-wife was in the audience Saturday. They're friends, and exes. (Hey, I know that routine!)
Here's my point -- I've done reinsurance accounting for 12 years and counting. I'm better than this. I know where my passion lies. It lies in ... uuh, alcohol and weed. (Just kidding mom! Only occasionally it lies in weed).
No, my passion lies in being able to express what I think, what I believe. It lies in being a writer. At the risk of sounding like Lucas Scott (everyone other than Damien voice: who?), at the risk of that, it's what I want to do. I don't have a great American novel in me. I sure as all hell don't have Mr. Holland's Opus in me. But I might have something fun to read and entertaining as hell in me if given the chance. Maybe it's time to go for it.
I just know this: if the 15-20 people who confess to "regularly reading the site" can't comment at this point, it's time to pull the plug. So please, if you think I'm at least semi-entertaining, let me know in the comments, let me know in this freaky voting feature at the bottom ...
Or at least email me and say "hey champ, keep it up. You make me laugh my ass off in the second office every morning you post". I don't ask for much. I certainly don't make much off this, since I refuse to post ad links that could raise $.02 a click. (I refuse, REFUSE!, to insult your intelligence).
In the next 18 months, we have an election coming up, we have conventions, (and God knows my live blogs / recaps were off the charts in 2008!), we have a baseball season that, for the first time since 2004, I am fired up about (just wait until Sunday's post ... uuh scratch that, might be Monday if KU does the expected on Friday and Sunday ... anyways, I've been working on this for three f*cking weeks, and I'm the guy who last year said he was done with baseball).
I guess what I'm trying to say is this: it's cool if nobody ever comments or clicks or responds on the site. But every once in a while, (dr. evil voice) throw me a friggin' bone! I love doing this. Let me know I'm not alone, I guess.
(And if not? Hell, like I'll stop posting? (ochocinco voice) Child please!)
three things i've wanted to rant on for a few days
1. The Barry Bonds trial is the single biggest waste of taxpayer dollars EVER known to mankind. I don't give a crap if he shot up every performance enhancer known to mankind. I don't care if he lied out of his ass about it. Explain this to me, KC Sports fan:
Where is the freaking outrage over Livestrong Park? What, you honestly believe Lance Armstrong somehow overcame cancer and won multiple Tour de France's in a row WITHOUT the aid of a performance enhancer? Really? Let me guess -- you voted for Obama in 2008. (More on him next).
It is absolutely outrageous, the public anger against Barry Bonds, yet apathy towards Lance Armstrong, towards Floyd Landis, towards Shawne Merriman (who actually has flunked multiple drug tests), towards Rashard Lewis (ditto), towards Marion Jones (who re-wrote the book on doping).
Why the hatred of Bonds for doing what 99.9999% of us would do -- use every edge available to us to gain said edge? Especially when the rules of the sport didn't prohibit steroid use! Furthermore, as established today, the steroid the feds accuse Bonds of using, was not classified as a steroid until February 2004. His grand jury testimony occurred in November 2003! How is this ANYTHING other than a witchhunt?!?! How is this anything other than an overzealous prosecutor seeking to justify a massive budget by sacrificing one of our generation's greatest athletes to further his own career?
Everyone should be outraged by the Barry Bonds trial. Just not for the reasons you would think from a casual distance.
2. If anyone reading this has any doubts that the Democrat Party destroyed itself by tossing aside Hillary in 2008, the last few days should shatter that illusion. Our only comforting solace as a nation is that the person in this administration who has a pair is apparently running things. I never thought anyone would top Jimmy Carter as "worst President of my lifetime", but Barry's done it in barely two years.
3. The best show you're not watching is "Detroit 187". Like most shows I love, it appears to be a one-and-doner sadly, like Flash Forward, Studio 60, Invasion, Commander in Chief, and the best of them all, Swingtown. But give it a try. Every episode is available at abc.com. It's the best 18 hours of cop drama since "NYPD Blue" signed off the air six years ago. You won't regret the investment of time and emotion into this show, it's that damned good.
Where is the freaking outrage over Livestrong Park? What, you honestly believe Lance Armstrong somehow overcame cancer and won multiple Tour de France's in a row WITHOUT the aid of a performance enhancer? Really? Let me guess -- you voted for Obama in 2008. (More on him next).
It is absolutely outrageous, the public anger against Barry Bonds, yet apathy towards Lance Armstrong, towards Floyd Landis, towards Shawne Merriman (who actually has flunked multiple drug tests), towards Rashard Lewis (ditto), towards Marion Jones (who re-wrote the book on doping).
Why the hatred of Bonds for doing what 99.9999% of us would do -- use every edge available to us to gain said edge? Especially when the rules of the sport didn't prohibit steroid use! Furthermore, as established today, the steroid the feds accuse Bonds of using, was not classified as a steroid until February 2004. His grand jury testimony occurred in November 2003! How is this ANYTHING other than a witchhunt?!?! How is this anything other than an overzealous prosecutor seeking to justify a massive budget by sacrificing one of our generation's greatest athletes to further his own career?
Everyone should be outraged by the Barry Bonds trial. Just not for the reasons you would think from a casual distance.
2. If anyone reading this has any doubts that the Democrat Party destroyed itself by tossing aside Hillary in 2008, the last few days should shatter that illusion. Our only comforting solace as a nation is that the person in this administration who has a pair is apparently running things. I never thought anyone would top Jimmy Carter as "worst President of my lifetime", but Barry's done it in barely two years.
3. The best show you're not watching is "Detroit 187". Like most shows I love, it appears to be a one-and-doner sadly, like Flash Forward, Studio 60, Invasion, Commander in Chief, and the best of them all, Swingtown. But give it a try. Every episode is available at abc.com. It's the best 18 hours of cop drama since "NYPD Blue" signed off the air six years ago. You won't regret the investment of time and emotion into this show, it's that damned good.
idol top 11: last week wasn't a fluke!
Cut the music, dim the lights, here we go.
Idol Season 10, Top 11. Motown night. God forbid when we recycle themes that we get another Bon Jovi or (please, dear Jesus) Neil Diamond night.
First up, Casey Abrams.
(And yes, I see Liv Tyler in the audience. Excuse me for five minutes … ok, four … ok, ok, honesty compels me, excuse me for 23 seconds …)
* Casey: Marvin Gaye “I Heard It Through the Grapevine”. Up front, this seems like a very underwhelming choice. Let’s see what the video has to say.
“Let’s unleash the beast”. For Christ’s sake Seacrest. For Christ’s sake.
Awful beginning. Good God dude, it’s Motown! Don’t screech like Joe Cocker.
It’s starting to recover when he hits the chorus.
Love the orchestra on the judges table. Nice touch as he moves through the crowd. This is recovering quite nicely.
And he blows it with a horrendous finish. C- at best. He could be in some surprise danger here if a few of the middle of the packers step it up tonight (I’m looking at you Paul, Jacob, Lauren and Stefano).
Tyler: “you’re the perfect entertainer, perfect pitch, a perfect mix of crazy ass out of control ego!” Actually … I can buy that. Although that was not “on pitch” for the entire 100 some odd seconds he performed.
J-Lo, looking beautiful in a shiny pink top tonight. She can even make the blue eyeshadow work, wow. I … I need another 23 seconds hold on. “You might be the guy right now”, praising his uniqueness. Good God, is that two straight judges comments that are perfectly stated? Hang on, we hit three in a row, someone get Guinness on the phone, I’m not sure this show has ever hit 4 straight before …
R-Dawg, and yes, I am quoting this verbatim. “We tell every artist that comes out here to do you. And you know what’s so perfect about you? Is that you can do you!” Brilliant.
(awful mtv game show voice) NEXT!
It’s Thia, doing “Heat Wave”. I love this chick so much, I am so rooting for her, that I refused to watch last week’s performance in an effort to “catch up”. F*ck, can’t do that two weeks in a row for someone not named Sanjaya or Katherine McPhee. (dammit! Just used her name for the first time ever on this site! I hate you (expletives deleted)! I (expletive) hate you!!!)
Says that last week was a “tough week for me”. Yeah. Same for everyone who listens to you sing, honey. What, too soon?
(Reminds me, funniest two one-liners of the night: it’s Wednesday, so we’re bowling. DJ tosses his first ball in the second frame of the second game into the gutter. Absolute embarrassment. So I yell out “Way to go Stevo!” He kinda laughs, then I drop the “Hit the damned headpin (my last name)!” Should have brought the house down. And it kinda did. Unfortunately … ok, screw that, fortunately, DJ brought the house down with the “even Kim (fun as hell chick that isn’t interested in guys who we were bowling last night) can score a chick, what’s your excuse Stevo!” blast after his spare attempt. That one definitely brought the house down. I laughed for a solid two minutes, and I was the butt of the joke. Which brings up funniest one liner number three, and I’ll let it slide: DJ b*tching about his “ass muscles are hurting”. I’m telling you, I can’t write these jokes, they just write themselves. Marriage is that good champ? (steve ducking the bowling ball headed his way). I love bowling league!)
Oh, Thia’s singing. Hang on, let me get some ear plugs and a refill on tonight’s firstcap, Svedka Vodka with Seagrams’s Tonic Water. (Both readily available at Royal Liquors at State Line and 103rd). Yes, Seagram’s makes tonic water. Color me surprised.
Surprisingly decent. That’s a fair way to put it. Surprisingly decent. And since this chick is going home tonight because she’s by far and away the worst singer left in the competition, let’s fast forward through the comments and get on to the puppy that might be leading this race three minutes from now.
Again, that could have been 110% worse. It was perfectly mediocre.
Next up, last week’s “Stevo Loved This Guy” contestant Jacob!
(Seriously, I thought his cover of “Alone” was genius. Every damned recapper in Bloggerville other than me hated it. The lesson? I watch this show under the influence of alcohol and/or a substance that is slowly yet surely (finally) becoming legalized across this great nation of ours. That, or I’m deaf).
Jacob taking on a huge risk, Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell’s “You’re All I Need To Get By”. This is a huge risk. Just like last week. I’m starting to like this guy. There’s six people in the last 11 I would have no problems winning at this point – Casey, Jacob, Lauren, Stefano, Pia, and James. And I’m good with Paul or Scotty as well. Wow, this just might be the strongest crop of contestants ever. Ok, done rambling.
Come on champ. You can do this.
(dusty voice) come on. Everyone’s doing it. Come on …
Jimmy notes that “there’s noone in the competition more fit to do Motown than Jacob”. Uuh, elephant in the room! Elephant in the room!
Here we go.
This opens incredibly. It’s not how I would have performed it … but it’s really good.
JLo is into it. This is phenomenally good. I am really digging this.
Wow. That was epic! Hang on, need to rewind this a time or two.
OK, to the judges. Or rather, the judges are going to him! Steven Tyler rushes the stage and gives a gigantic man hug to Jacob and starts screaming incoherently into the microphone! That’s the Steven Tyler I know and love! (In his defense? I’d have rushed the stage too, that was Top 20 of Idol History epic).
R Dawg: “The great Berry Gordy is sitting somewhere saying Oh My God!” Yup. Although I don’t think Randy realizes Mr. Gordy is usually in the house for these things.
Tyler: “you held it back, you milked it, and at the very end, you made it beautiful”
J Lo breathlessly following that up: “You made us beg you for those notes! Give it to me Jacob! Give it to me Jacob!”
I love this show.
(skuzzy dj at the “outback” voice)
Alright ladies and gentlemen. Now performing on the main stage: Lauren doing “You Keep Me Hanging On”.
Then: Stefano doing “Hello”. (Which I should probably note, on the advise of “The Voice of Reason”, I watched last night because, well, there’s no bigger Lionel Richie fan walking this planet than me. Other than maybe Lionel himself. So it’ll be a rewatch when we get to him).
And to open the second stage, Haley Scarnato! (Or as she’ll be known in a couple years, “Autumn Rain”).
OK, my random “so and so looks so much like so and so” comparison of the week – Diana Ross 1966 in this background video, and First Lady Michelle Obama in 2011 in any picture of her. Even the hairstyles are similar. Neat.
The second one? The chick coaching Lauren looks frighteningly like Danielle Staub from NJ Housewives. Excuse me while I go light myself on fire.
Aw, Lauren got her feelings hurt by the bad reviews last week. Come on chica! If I got down after every negative or hurtful or non-positive comment made about me, I’d be curled up in the fetal position sucking my thumb 24/7/365. Suck it up.
Jesus, she looks stunning. And she’s less than half my age. If this keeps up, Lawrence Taylor is not the only one registering for sex offender status soon. Reminds me, the EW recapper thinks she looks just like DJ Tanner in the “Full House” years. That’s three accurate look-alike comparisons in the last four paragraphs folks!
That was pretty solid until the ending. Then she tried to countrify it, and it tanked in a hurry as she missed a few notes.
Tyler: I think he liked it. And yes, he let out an absolutely dirty old man “yeah!” at the end.
J Lo: liked it.
R Dawg, who, if he was tatted up and shirtless, with those glasses, looks like Chris Brown, says “she’s ready”. Hopefully she’s more “in it to win it” than Mrs. Clinton was in 2008.
Next up, Stefano, doing Lionel Richie’s “Hello”. When Gregg texted me that he’d just performed this last night, I nearly threw up what I was drinking. I mean, “hello”! David Cook owns this song on this show! (And that reminds me, another night we need to have – Lionel Richie night! Who doesn’t want to see Paul spazzing out to “Dancin’ on the Ceiling”! Who doesn’t want to see Pia take on “Truly”, the best song he ever did. Who doesn’t want to see Lauren and Stefano making cute as they duet to “Endless Love”? And for the love of God, who doesn’t want to see what Jacob can do with “Crazy in Love (Oh No)”? Especially that last one, which is my favorite Lionel effort! Wait, let’s move on before rotten tomatoes start flying my way from the blogosphere.
Since I already watched this, I’m going to sum it up in 40 words. And those 40 words are:
If David Cook had never reinvented this song four years ago, that would have sounded great. Compared to David Cook’s version, that was worse than rancid. That was so uninspiring, we could have a shocker in the results Thursday night.
Moving on to the second stage … Haley everyone!
Stefano looks defeated in his backstage interview. As well he should. Look it champ, you’re still my favorite in this competition, and I think you’ll survive because Thia was that awful, and we haven’t seen Naima’s (probably) awful effort yet. But man, that was really underwhelming. You’re my favorite pony / puppy / rooster in this competition since Matt Giraud, who went out at least three weeks before he should have because of an awful performance on Rat Pack night. I’m getting damned sick and tired of the folks I root for crapping out third, fourth, or fifth every year. Let’s win this thing ok? Come back better next week.
With the toonumunt about to get underway again, unless the performance is epically awesome or epically awful, I’m just focusing on the song and skipping the puff piece intros and judges commentary. It’s much faster that way.
Apparently Haley 2.0 has learned from Haley 1.0! Holy Lord God almighty! A very short skirt, a very revealing shirt that’s so tight you halfway expect them to pop out if she attempts to move! And the hair strategically swept to the side to highlight her, uuh, “highlights”. I can’t speak for the (now) married half of the former couch duo, but the still single half gives it a rousing round of applause!
She hits the “hold me! Hold me! Hold me!” part and it’s just beautiful visually. Vocally, it’s worse than me singing karaoke at the Red Balloon after four 32oz Coors Lights. But visually it’s stunning.
She’s bottom three potential. But no way she’s going home after coming out to perform looking like that, there’s still way too many better-singers-yet-not-as-good-looking-as-Haley singers left in this competition.
Scotty up next, doing Stevie Wonder’s “For Once in My Life”. Let me channel my inner Joe Biden here and say that I hope Stevie enjoys watching this performance.
Very solid performance. It wasn’t his best effort, but for finally stepping outside of his comfort zone and doing something other than country music, it was a fine effort. At worst, he’s finishing fifth or sixth this year, and going the Kellie Pickler / Josh Gracin route and earning a nice contract in Nashville to record his niche. On the other hand, he did try to make it countrified, and it actually worked. He’ll be appearing on XM 16 and XM 17 in the next few months as a “hot new artist”.
The final four to go? Pia, Paul, Naima, and James. I was told by the lady I sit next to at work (who’s also an “Idol” addict) that James’ performance was her favorite of the night. So there you go.
Man, she is rapidly approaching Kimberly Caldwell on the “Hottest “Idol” Contestant Ever”-o-Meter. She looks absolutely beautiful tonight. (Which reminds me, I haven’t updated the “Steve Drool-o-Meter” in almost four years now. It’s long overdue to get adjusted. The last time that bad boy was updated, I was 30. Might need to take that into the shop and have it tinkered with here pretty soon, there’s some definitely drool-worthy females that have entered my life since the last time that bad boy was, uuh, metering).
She’s performing “All is Fair in Love” by Stevie Wonder.
Damn, there isn’t much sexier than the slit up the leg on a long dress. The nose stud, and that’s about it on the list. (See, who says Steve doesn’t have a freaky side! I dig the nose stud so friggin much. OK, back to the performance).
A pretty solid performance. Very slowed down and subdued, which granted the song is. I didn’t like it as much as last week’s “Where Do Broken Hearts Go”, but that was pretty solid. If a chick is gonna win this competition, it’s her or Lauren. The others are drawing dead.
(And there’s a damned solid probability that the first five of the top 13 to get booted will be chicks. Ashthon went first. Karen went last week. It’s gonna be Thia this week, unless Naima’s even worse in five minutes, and whichever one doesn’t screw up the worst this week, goes next week. Then Haley, just in time to gain summer employment at everyone’s favorite “steakhouse” when KU breaks for the semester. Conversely, other than Paul, can you see a guy dropping out in the next three weeks? I can’t).
Paul McDonald up next, covering Smokey Robinson’s “Tracks of My Tears”. If ever anyone should be the poster child for why you never, ever, ever opt for multiple plastic surgery operations on your face, Smokey’s gotta be the poster child right?
Well, at least he seems semi-coherent this week. I don’t think he pulled a wake and bake this morning. He looks at least somewhat there. And he’s starting out pretty solid to boot, no ridiculous vocal rifts or insane dancing yet.
Through chorus run one, it’s solid. Kind of a James Blunt type sound so far. I can dig it.
Oh sh*t, did he just say “I masturbated” instead of “I masqueraded”?!?! The smile he’s got grinning from ear to ear says yes. Hang on, let me rewind this …
Oh yeah. He definitely did NOT say “masqueraded”. Oh man, this is priceless.
Wow, that was really good. He’s definitely not going home.
I’m skipping Naima because (a) I can’t stand her, (b) she has no shot to win, and (c) I want to watch some basketball, so I gotta post this thing and be done with “Idol” from last night.
Our final contestant is James Durbin, who’s my dark horse to win this thing. He has a Blake Lewis / David Cook self confidence that I totally dig, and he’s perfectly content so far to sit back and let the crap, uuh, crap out, and let the big names so far establish a lead (that’s you Casey) before inevitably crashing back to earth.
He’s doing “Living for the City” by Stevie Wonder.
OK, it was good … but that wasn’t the best of the night. It was top four, top five, upper echelon, but not even close to Jacob.
Best of the night: Jacob, and nobody else was close.
Top three: Jacob, Paul, Pia.
Bottom three: Haley, Thia, Naima.
Going home: Thia.
Idol Season 10, Top 11. Motown night. God forbid when we recycle themes that we get another Bon Jovi or (please, dear Jesus) Neil Diamond night.
First up, Casey Abrams.
(And yes, I see Liv Tyler in the audience. Excuse me for five minutes … ok, four … ok, ok, honesty compels me, excuse me for 23 seconds …)
* Casey: Marvin Gaye “I Heard It Through the Grapevine”. Up front, this seems like a very underwhelming choice. Let’s see what the video has to say.
“Let’s unleash the beast”. For Christ’s sake Seacrest. For Christ’s sake.
Awful beginning. Good God dude, it’s Motown! Don’t screech like Joe Cocker.
It’s starting to recover when he hits the chorus.
Love the orchestra on the judges table. Nice touch as he moves through the crowd. This is recovering quite nicely.
And he blows it with a horrendous finish. C- at best. He could be in some surprise danger here if a few of the middle of the packers step it up tonight (I’m looking at you Paul, Jacob, Lauren and Stefano).
Tyler: “you’re the perfect entertainer, perfect pitch, a perfect mix of crazy ass out of control ego!” Actually … I can buy that. Although that was not “on pitch” for the entire 100 some odd seconds he performed.
J-Lo, looking beautiful in a shiny pink top tonight. She can even make the blue eyeshadow work, wow. I … I need another 23 seconds hold on. “You might be the guy right now”, praising his uniqueness. Good God, is that two straight judges comments that are perfectly stated? Hang on, we hit three in a row, someone get Guinness on the phone, I’m not sure this show has ever hit 4 straight before …
R-Dawg, and yes, I am quoting this verbatim. “We tell every artist that comes out here to do you. And you know what’s so perfect about you? Is that you can do you!” Brilliant.
(awful mtv game show voice) NEXT!
It’s Thia, doing “Heat Wave”. I love this chick so much, I am so rooting for her, that I refused to watch last week’s performance in an effort to “catch up”. F*ck, can’t do that two weeks in a row for someone not named Sanjaya or Katherine McPhee. (dammit! Just used her name for the first time ever on this site! I hate you (expletives deleted)! I (expletive) hate you!!!)
Says that last week was a “tough week for me”. Yeah. Same for everyone who listens to you sing, honey. What, too soon?
(Reminds me, funniest two one-liners of the night: it’s Wednesday, so we’re bowling. DJ tosses his first ball in the second frame of the second game into the gutter. Absolute embarrassment. So I yell out “Way to go Stevo!” He kinda laughs, then I drop the “Hit the damned headpin (my last name)!” Should have brought the house down. And it kinda did. Unfortunately … ok, screw that, fortunately, DJ brought the house down with the “even Kim (fun as hell chick that isn’t interested in guys who we were bowling last night) can score a chick, what’s your excuse Stevo!” blast after his spare attempt. That one definitely brought the house down. I laughed for a solid two minutes, and I was the butt of the joke. Which brings up funniest one liner number three, and I’ll let it slide: DJ b*tching about his “ass muscles are hurting”. I’m telling you, I can’t write these jokes, they just write themselves. Marriage is that good champ? (steve ducking the bowling ball headed his way). I love bowling league!)
Oh, Thia’s singing. Hang on, let me get some ear plugs and a refill on tonight’s firstcap, Svedka Vodka with Seagrams’s Tonic Water. (Both readily available at Royal Liquors at State Line and 103rd). Yes, Seagram’s makes tonic water. Color me surprised.
Surprisingly decent. That’s a fair way to put it. Surprisingly decent. And since this chick is going home tonight because she’s by far and away the worst singer left in the competition, let’s fast forward through the comments and get on to the puppy that might be leading this race three minutes from now.
Again, that could have been 110% worse. It was perfectly mediocre.
Next up, last week’s “Stevo Loved This Guy” contestant Jacob!
(Seriously, I thought his cover of “Alone” was genius. Every damned recapper in Bloggerville other than me hated it. The lesson? I watch this show under the influence of alcohol and/or a substance that is slowly yet surely (finally) becoming legalized across this great nation of ours. That, or I’m deaf).
Jacob taking on a huge risk, Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell’s “You’re All I Need To Get By”. This is a huge risk. Just like last week. I’m starting to like this guy. There’s six people in the last 11 I would have no problems winning at this point – Casey, Jacob, Lauren, Stefano, Pia, and James. And I’m good with Paul or Scotty as well. Wow, this just might be the strongest crop of contestants ever. Ok, done rambling.
Come on champ. You can do this.
(dusty voice) come on. Everyone’s doing it. Come on …
Jimmy notes that “there’s noone in the competition more fit to do Motown than Jacob”. Uuh, elephant in the room! Elephant in the room!
Here we go.
This opens incredibly. It’s not how I would have performed it … but it’s really good.
JLo is into it. This is phenomenally good. I am really digging this.
Wow. That was epic! Hang on, need to rewind this a time or two.
OK, to the judges. Or rather, the judges are going to him! Steven Tyler rushes the stage and gives a gigantic man hug to Jacob and starts screaming incoherently into the microphone! That’s the Steven Tyler I know and love! (In his defense? I’d have rushed the stage too, that was Top 20 of Idol History epic).
R Dawg: “The great Berry Gordy is sitting somewhere saying Oh My God!” Yup. Although I don’t think Randy realizes Mr. Gordy is usually in the house for these things.
Tyler: “you held it back, you milked it, and at the very end, you made it beautiful”
J Lo breathlessly following that up: “You made us beg you for those notes! Give it to me Jacob! Give it to me Jacob!”
I love this show.
(skuzzy dj at the “outback” voice)
Alright ladies and gentlemen. Now performing on the main stage: Lauren doing “You Keep Me Hanging On”.
Then: Stefano doing “Hello”. (Which I should probably note, on the advise of “The Voice of Reason”, I watched last night because, well, there’s no bigger Lionel Richie fan walking this planet than me. Other than maybe Lionel himself. So it’ll be a rewatch when we get to him).
And to open the second stage, Haley Scarnato! (Or as she’ll be known in a couple years, “Autumn Rain”).
OK, my random “so and so looks so much like so and so” comparison of the week – Diana Ross 1966 in this background video, and First Lady Michelle Obama in 2011 in any picture of her. Even the hairstyles are similar. Neat.
The second one? The chick coaching Lauren looks frighteningly like Danielle Staub from NJ Housewives. Excuse me while I go light myself on fire.
Aw, Lauren got her feelings hurt by the bad reviews last week. Come on chica! If I got down after every negative or hurtful or non-positive comment made about me, I’d be curled up in the fetal position sucking my thumb 24/7/365. Suck it up.
Jesus, she looks stunning. And she’s less than half my age. If this keeps up, Lawrence Taylor is not the only one registering for sex offender status soon. Reminds me, the EW recapper thinks she looks just like DJ Tanner in the “Full House” years. That’s three accurate look-alike comparisons in the last four paragraphs folks!
That was pretty solid until the ending. Then she tried to countrify it, and it tanked in a hurry as she missed a few notes.
Tyler: I think he liked it. And yes, he let out an absolutely dirty old man “yeah!” at the end.
J Lo: liked it.
R Dawg, who, if he was tatted up and shirtless, with those glasses, looks like Chris Brown, says “she’s ready”. Hopefully she’s more “in it to win it” than Mrs. Clinton was in 2008.
Next up, Stefano, doing Lionel Richie’s “Hello”. When Gregg texted me that he’d just performed this last night, I nearly threw up what I was drinking. I mean, “hello”! David Cook owns this song on this show! (And that reminds me, another night we need to have – Lionel Richie night! Who doesn’t want to see Paul spazzing out to “Dancin’ on the Ceiling”! Who doesn’t want to see Pia take on “Truly”, the best song he ever did. Who doesn’t want to see Lauren and Stefano making cute as they duet to “Endless Love”? And for the love of God, who doesn’t want to see what Jacob can do with “Crazy in Love (Oh No)”? Especially that last one, which is my favorite Lionel effort! Wait, let’s move on before rotten tomatoes start flying my way from the blogosphere.
Since I already watched this, I’m going to sum it up in 40 words. And those 40 words are:
If David Cook had never reinvented this song four years ago, that would have sounded great. Compared to David Cook’s version, that was worse than rancid. That was so uninspiring, we could have a shocker in the results Thursday night.
Moving on to the second stage … Haley everyone!
Stefano looks defeated in his backstage interview. As well he should. Look it champ, you’re still my favorite in this competition, and I think you’ll survive because Thia was that awful, and we haven’t seen Naima’s (probably) awful effort yet. But man, that was really underwhelming. You’re my favorite pony / puppy / rooster in this competition since Matt Giraud, who went out at least three weeks before he should have because of an awful performance on Rat Pack night. I’m getting damned sick and tired of the folks I root for crapping out third, fourth, or fifth every year. Let’s win this thing ok? Come back better next week.
With the toonumunt about to get underway again, unless the performance is epically awesome or epically awful, I’m just focusing on the song and skipping the puff piece intros and judges commentary. It’s much faster that way.
Apparently Haley 2.0 has learned from Haley 1.0! Holy Lord God almighty! A very short skirt, a very revealing shirt that’s so tight you halfway expect them to pop out if she attempts to move! And the hair strategically swept to the side to highlight her, uuh, “highlights”. I can’t speak for the (now) married half of the former couch duo, but the still single half gives it a rousing round of applause!
She hits the “hold me! Hold me! Hold me!” part and it’s just beautiful visually. Vocally, it’s worse than me singing karaoke at the Red Balloon after four 32oz Coors Lights. But visually it’s stunning.
She’s bottom three potential. But no way she’s going home after coming out to perform looking like that, there’s still way too many better-singers-yet-not-as-good-looking-as-Haley singers left in this competition.
Scotty up next, doing Stevie Wonder’s “For Once in My Life”. Let me channel my inner Joe Biden here and say that I hope Stevie enjoys watching this performance.
Very solid performance. It wasn’t his best effort, but for finally stepping outside of his comfort zone and doing something other than country music, it was a fine effort. At worst, he’s finishing fifth or sixth this year, and going the Kellie Pickler / Josh Gracin route and earning a nice contract in Nashville to record his niche. On the other hand, he did try to make it countrified, and it actually worked. He’ll be appearing on XM 16 and XM 17 in the next few months as a “hot new artist”.
The final four to go? Pia, Paul, Naima, and James. I was told by the lady I sit next to at work (who’s also an “Idol” addict) that James’ performance was her favorite of the night. So there you go.
Man, she is rapidly approaching Kimberly Caldwell on the “Hottest “Idol” Contestant Ever”-o-Meter. She looks absolutely beautiful tonight. (Which reminds me, I haven’t updated the “Steve Drool-o-Meter” in almost four years now. It’s long overdue to get adjusted. The last time that bad boy was updated, I was 30. Might need to take that into the shop and have it tinkered with here pretty soon, there’s some definitely drool-worthy females that have entered my life since the last time that bad boy was, uuh, metering).
She’s performing “All is Fair in Love” by Stevie Wonder.
Damn, there isn’t much sexier than the slit up the leg on a long dress. The nose stud, and that’s about it on the list. (See, who says Steve doesn’t have a freaky side! I dig the nose stud so friggin much. OK, back to the performance).
A pretty solid performance. Very slowed down and subdued, which granted the song is. I didn’t like it as much as last week’s “Where Do Broken Hearts Go”, but that was pretty solid. If a chick is gonna win this competition, it’s her or Lauren. The others are drawing dead.
(And there’s a damned solid probability that the first five of the top 13 to get booted will be chicks. Ashthon went first. Karen went last week. It’s gonna be Thia this week, unless Naima’s even worse in five minutes, and whichever one doesn’t screw up the worst this week, goes next week. Then Haley, just in time to gain summer employment at everyone’s favorite “steakhouse” when KU breaks for the semester. Conversely, other than Paul, can you see a guy dropping out in the next three weeks? I can’t).
Paul McDonald up next, covering Smokey Robinson’s “Tracks of My Tears”. If ever anyone should be the poster child for why you never, ever, ever opt for multiple plastic surgery operations on your face, Smokey’s gotta be the poster child right?
Well, at least he seems semi-coherent this week. I don’t think he pulled a wake and bake this morning. He looks at least somewhat there. And he’s starting out pretty solid to boot, no ridiculous vocal rifts or insane dancing yet.
Through chorus run one, it’s solid. Kind of a James Blunt type sound so far. I can dig it.
Oh sh*t, did he just say “I masturbated” instead of “I masqueraded”?!?! The smile he’s got grinning from ear to ear says yes. Hang on, let me rewind this …
Oh yeah. He definitely did NOT say “masqueraded”. Oh man, this is priceless.
Wow, that was really good. He’s definitely not going home.
I’m skipping Naima because (a) I can’t stand her, (b) she has no shot to win, and (c) I want to watch some basketball, so I gotta post this thing and be done with “Idol” from last night.
Our final contestant is James Durbin, who’s my dark horse to win this thing. He has a Blake Lewis / David Cook self confidence that I totally dig, and he’s perfectly content so far to sit back and let the crap, uuh, crap out, and let the big names so far establish a lead (that’s you Casey) before inevitably crashing back to earth.
He’s doing “Living for the City” by Stevie Wonder.
OK, it was good … but that wasn’t the best of the night. It was top four, top five, upper echelon, but not even close to Jacob.
Best of the night: Jacob, and nobody else was close.
Top three: Jacob, Paul, Pia.
Bottom three: Haley, Thia, Naima.
Going home: Thia.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
mini vaca dia uno
The annual "sit on the couch and watch the tourney" vacation is off to a great start, thanks to Sharon the dealer and Shirley the ... well, damn, if ever I wanted to play next to DJ at a blackjack table ...
Got the wild hair to go gamble this morning. OK, it wasn't so "wild", I had to be talked out of it on multiple occasions last night. But reaching the "decision point" on 435 (aka "head north to Ameristar or Harrah's, or head left to the Isle", I went left.
The Isle only had two tables open -- both blackjack, one for $10, one for $25. I opted for the $10.
Five shoes and three vodka and sprites later, I left up $210.
The best was the lady I was playing next to, an elderly black chick named Shirley. She had the oxygen tank hooked up, with the tube up the nose going ... and was wearing a huge chronic t-shirt and cap! I tried to get her to pose for a picture, but she said "no honey, I am who I am, no need to spread it around the world". If Shirley ever sits next to me again, I can die a happy man.
(Plus, she knew what she was doing, always a rarity at a non-high limit blackjack table).
So day one is off to a roaring success, between a solid casino showing, and my huge second round upset (Butler over Pitt) surviving at the buzzer. Now? Off to a few St Paddy's Day gatherings. At least I won enough to cover bail ... possibly ...
Got the wild hair to go gamble this morning. OK, it wasn't so "wild", I had to be talked out of it on multiple occasions last night. But reaching the "decision point" on 435 (aka "head north to Ameristar or Harrah's, or head left to the Isle", I went left.
The Isle only had two tables open -- both blackjack, one for $10, one for $25. I opted for the $10.
Five shoes and three vodka and sprites later, I left up $210.
The best was the lady I was playing next to, an elderly black chick named Shirley. She had the oxygen tank hooked up, with the tube up the nose going ... and was wearing a huge chronic t-shirt and cap! I tried to get her to pose for a picture, but she said "no honey, I am who I am, no need to spread it around the world". If Shirley ever sits next to me again, I can die a happy man.
(Plus, she knew what she was doing, always a rarity at a non-high limit blackjack table).
So day one is off to a roaring success, between a solid casino showing, and my huge second round upset (Butler over Pitt) surviving at the buzzer. Now? Off to a few St Paddy's Day gatherings. At least I won enough to cover bail ... possibly ...
idol top 12: the closer. just ... the closer.
Opening note: I type as I go. So when you read my initial impressions of what I expected from one performance tonight, just be prepared to be completely amazed at my 180 degree turn when said performance actually happened. I have NEVER been as shocked in a positive, good way as I was by one of last night’s acts. It was a performance for the ages. In a good, amazing, “this kid has a chance” kind of way. I literally rewound his performance for 30 straight minutes, I couldn’t get enough of it. It’s my favorite “Idol” performance since Blake reinvented “You Give Love a Bad Name”. And I never thought anything on this show could approach my feelings for that performance. Take a bow (read on to find out who). You freaking earned it.
----------------------
For some reason, “Idol” didn’t TiVo last night. Only four more weeks of bowling until I can watch this thing live and avoid any unfortunate cable and/or satellite provider idiocy.
(OK, ok, user idiocy).
So … since Channel 131 is down as well, I’ll have to Youtube! the performances.
According to Slezak’s column at tvline.com, here’s the set list, and I’ll just pull them up and watch them in this order, so if it’s not the same order as the actual performance, well … (milli vanilli voice) blame it on the rain.
Naima Adedopo: Tina Turner, “What’s Love Got to Do With It”. If she screws this up, there will be riot-like conditions in this column. I freaking love this song.
Paul McDonald: Elton John, “I Guess That’s Why They Call It The Blues”. Another potential riot-like condition if this is a trainwreck. The background music to my favorite scene from “Family Guy” ever. “I will be a dignified cripple! / Joe! I’ve been in a wheelchair for 45 minutes …”
Thia Megia: Vanessa Williams “Colors of the Wind”. This would also be known as the “bathroom break” portion of the evening.
James Durbin: Bon Jovi “I’ll Be There For You”. This has sick potential.
Haley Reinhart: Whitney Houston “I’m Your Baby Tonight”. Already embracing the adult entertainer side of her that she’s destined to give into.
Stefano Langone: Simply Red “If You Don’t Know Me By Now”. Apparently Stefano and I have a few things in common. Not sure that’s a good thing. Glug glug. Giggigy goo.
Pia Toscano: Whitney Houston “Where Do Broken Hearts Go”. They go to the local bar honey.
Scott McCreery: Travis Tritt “Can I Trust You With My Heart”. I have never heard one second of this song before.
Karen Rodriguez: Taylor Dayne “Love Will Lead You Back”. I’d have gone with my favorite by Ms. Dayne, “I’ll Be Your Shelter”. In a discussion of the most underrated … and the most drop dead gorgeous … singers of the early 90s, I’d take Ms. Dayne to win both categories.
Casey Abrams: Nirvana “Smells Like Teen Spirit”. Will he put marbles in his mouth for the verse?
Lauren Alaina: Melissa Etheridge “Am I The Only One”. I’d have gone with “Angels Will Fall” but I guess it is birth year songs, and that one came out in 2001. So ok, hopefully this is good.
Jacob Lusk: Heart “Alone”. Having not seen one second of performance at this point, I’m guessing this is who’s going home tomorrow. Dude, there are three songs on this show that are OWNED by a contestant. Blake doing “You Give Love a Bad Name”. Asshat Archuleta doing “Heaven”. And Carrie Underwood doing “Alone”, the greatest performance on “Idol” ever (and my second favorite, behind Blaker). This is not going to end well.
(seacrest voice) Dim the lights, turn down the music, here we go! Oh wait, that would be turn on the lights, turn up the music, and here we go!
* Naima: 14 likes, 9 dislikes on Youtube! That’s not a good sign. And the “sympathy” piece that occupies the first minute is irritating as hell. Let’s just get to the music already ok? Good grief, is FOX so hard up for semi-decent programming that we have to waste 90 seconds on puff pieces like this? (Yup). Notes her choice was a “big hit back in 1984”. (fake shock voice) No. It only jump-started Tina’s solo career, won every damned Grammy it was up for, made a perfect, concise, common sense argument in favor of casual sex that helped launch the care-free society we all enjoy today, AND gave us one of the best music videos of all time, but ok, “big hit” seems like a good description. I’d go with “career defining moment”, but that’s just me.
I’m torn here. I LOVE the vocal. I absolutely LOVE the direction she took this. But I HATE the background noise. The band is not doing her one ounce of favor. But the vocal’s that good. At least that catchy. I’d keep her around another week.
Note: unless the performance is jaw-dropping amazing … or Sanjaya-esque awful, I’m not listening to the judges comments. It’s my review, not theirs. That, and I’m trying to get this knocked out in time to get in a little breakfast and blackjack this morning before the tourney gets underway.
(I clicked back to verify my thoughts … and yes, I would spend $1.29 on iTunes for this. The vocal was that solid. But the band was that awful).
* Paul: another non-sympathy generating background story. Although at least I laughed a couple times.
OK, I’ll say it. He’s stoned out of his f*cking mind. He is absolutely baked on that stage.
For being baked worse than DJ or me at a Ben Harper concert, this isn’t half bad. Having said that, this was god-awful awful. We’re sticking around for the judges comments.
J-Lo: “It sounded good. You have so much soul, so much star quality, that you overcame that”. She blames this on the sinuses. No sweetie, it’s the pot. Just look at his eyes – always the dead giveaway that you’re toking. Yes, he’s toking. He’s (brewer and shipley voice) one toke over the line, sweet Jesus, one toke over the line.
Randy: “get the notes right”.
Steven: “you define cool dude and a loose mood”. That’s pretty much accurate.
I will not be buying that on iTunes. But I’d keep him around for another week.
* Thia: oy. Do I even have to review this? It’s a horrible song by a performer I can’t stand. You know what, f*ck it. Blogger’s choice, let’s just skip this and move on. I don’t care if she gave the performance of a lifetime, I don’t think spending 5 minutes watching this chick perform is worth it.
If you had 7:28am in the “Steve cracks his first beer of the morning” pool, congrats, you’re a winner.
* James: this has 26 likes, 5 dislikes. That’s a good sign. Kate Hudson in the hizz-ouse!
Now THIS is how you do a puff piece. Great background story. Probably good I’ve never been on a reality show, because my mom would totally make me look like a moron like his did. That, and the only reality show I’d ever participate in is “Big Brother”, and I don’t think America wants to see me sitting by a pool, shirtless, getting drunk at 3pm every day. Or do they?
(Actually, that’s not true – I’d do “The Amazing Race” too, if I was paired with “The Voice of Reason”, if only to watch us crap out on night one because neither one of us can drive a stick shift. There’s comedy, there’s high comedy, and then there’s “Gregg and Steve ask the neighbor to back a car up the driveway because neither one has a f*cking clue how to use a clutch”).
My only b*tch so far – if you’re picking a song from 1989, how can you not cover “Rush Rush” by Pauler? That’s an outrage.
Good God, is this song really from my sixth grade year? Gotta give it up to Carla Gugino – she was drop dead gorgeous in this video and time has treated her well, she’s still drop dead gorgeous.
This is really good. This is really, really good. He’s safe. And royalties off a $1.29 iTunes purchase richer. We’re sticking around for the judges again, this might be the best of the night.
Steven: mocking the opening segment. “Don’t get too poppy on me”. I think Stevo’s been hanging out with Paul backstage. James: “I don’t want to spoil Aerosmith until the finale!” Love the self-confidence.
J-Lo: has tears running down her cheek. Somewhere, Mark Anthony is jealous.
Randy: b*tching about pitchiness. I didn’t hear any pitchiness. Calls it “very tastefully done”. Remember that old ESPN the Magazine ad with KG and Marbury? “All nude. (pause) But tastefully done”. Good grief, I can’t remember what I had for dinner last night, but I can remember that.
* Haley: if she didn’t have a future working the 6 to close shift at The Shady Lady, I wouldn’t be watching this.
Diamond or Sunny. Keep those names in mind honey. Odds are you’ll be using one of them in a couple years.
Sorry, that’s it. I’m not even 20 seconds into this performance and it is so wretchedly awful, I have to pull the plug. Plus she’s not learned one damned thing from Haley Scarnato – this is way too conservative of an outfit.
* Stefano: 73 likes, 2 dislikes. This, I like.
And note: who gives a rip if the kid has a DUI in his past? Everybody effs up once or twice. Or in my case, 1,039,563,283,846 times (approximate). Which reminds me – avoid Westport tonight readers. The KCPD has this new mobile DUI unit that can process up to five drinkers at a time. God forbid our power-mad cops ever focus on where the drunks really are at Power and Light. No, let’s keep targeting where the responsible drinkers are, in midtown, Brookside, and Waldo. It’s ridiculous. I can honestly say, if I go out and pound six vodka tonics in an hour, I can easily make it home and I won’t even appear to be intoxicated. That 22 year old at Shark Bar? I’m guessing he’s much more of a danger on our roads than me. I hope whoever wins the mayoral election corrects this travesty of justice, and focuses the DUI patrols where they need to be: the (joe pesci voice) utes hangouts, and not the places the grizzled veterans of the drinking process frequent, like they currently target.
This is pretty good. Honestly, I like this better than the original. It’s not top ten of all time worthy, but it’s a rock solid effort. He’s safe.
* Pia: had a debate earlier today – I rank her second hottest Idol contestant ever, after the one, the only, the incomparable Kimberly Caldwell. “The Voice of Reason” had Underwood rated above her too. Sorry, can’t do that. She looks too much like a young Ali MacGraw to bump her down a notch. And yes, I realize 99.99% of the people who read this have no idea what a young Ali MacGraw looked like. Thanks again, mom and dad, for tossing my ass in front of a television to watch sad-sap early 70s movies as a kid! And again, I sadly mean that in a “no really, I honestly am grateful, really I am” kind of way.
Love how when Ryan kicks it to the screen to “find out a little bit more about Pia”, Stefano’s eyes just bulge out in a “sweet!” kind of way. I like this kid! You can almost picture the drool running down the side of his chin as this backstory unfolds.
Good God, this girl covered Whitney at age 5. Maybe she can handle Whitney tonight.
Her grandpa sounds like a great dude.
If you had 7:53am in the “Steve cracks open the second beer of the day” pool, congrats, you’re a winner!
Jimmy asking her to “show growth”. Uuh, I think her fanbase has no problems with that every Wednesday.
Oh. My. God. This is incredible. And I’m not referring to the camera giving us gratuitous shots of her, uuh, intimate areas on that extended high note.
Wow. Just … wow. Hang on, gotta relisten to this one.
Phenomenal. Absolutely phenomenal. Best of the night, by far, so far, and I totally dug James’ performance of Bon Jovi. This one blew his out of the water.
* Scotty: never heard this song before. I like this kid, he’s got talent, but dude – at some point, you gotta branch off the country if you want to win.
49 likes, 1 dislike on the video count. Solid.
Still have four performances to go after Scotty, three of which I’m dreading, two of which I’m debating skipping. (I’d skip Jacob, but he’s going to be so awful on “Alone” that I can’t tune it out).
This kid is 17, and his normal speaking voice is lower than anything I can speak. Oy.
Well, this song is pretty much the religious right’s response to “What’s Love Got to Do With It”. Having said that, this is a really solid vocal. I’m not a big fan of it, because I’m not really a country music fan, but this is a solid performance, if that makes sense.
* Karen: 0 likes, 0 dislikes. Apparently America loves this chick as much as I do.
Which means Hello Bottom Three once again! Or excuse me, since barring another stay of execution, Neil Diamond Radio goes kaput for the fourth time at midnight tonight, (neil diamond voice) Hello again. Hello.
Very nice outfit. Very attractive girl.
A perfectly mediocre performance. (neil diamond voice) Hello, my friend, hello. She’s in the bottom three. Although I liked singing the end of it in espanol. As someone who loves incorporating Spanish phrasing into everyday language, es muy bueno!
* Casey: this is either going to be one of the most epic performances in Idol history, or it’s going to be one of the most epically awful performances in Idol history. Don’t see a middle ground here going in. As the great, legendary Mr. Hugh M. Hefner would note, “I have no idea how the hell this is going to end, but this is going to be something REALLY special”.
Wait, I thought contestants couldn’t use instruments this year? On the other hand, doing this without a guitar would cheapen it. Good call to loosen the rules for (whitney houston voice) one moment in time.
Here we go. “Hello! Hello! Hello! How low? Hello! Hello! …”
And – (steve hitting the pause button) had to pause it entering the chorus – everyone, and I mean everyone, the audience, the judges, this blogger, dug the beginning verse. Everyone was nodding their heads, tapping their feet, knowing what this is building to. In the words of me to Dusty, “do NOT f*ck this up!” This next thirty seconds could be the greatest moment in “Idol” history. I’m just saying.
That, and every person between the ages of 25 and 45 (hey, that’s me!), this is THE defining song of our generation. It’s the song that launched alternative rock, it’s the song that launched modern music, it completely revolutionized the playing field. To take this one on? Takes balls of steel. There’s no “yeah, I thought it was ok” about this. Either the viewing public (mostly made up of us 25 to 45 year olds) will totally dig this next thirty seconds, or Casey’s going home tomorrow. (I guess that’s tonight, since I’m recapping this on Thursday morning). There’s no middle ground to be had. This dude might wind up being my favorite contestant since Blaker. And I never thought anyone could approach Blaker on this show for me. Balls of steel to take on the anthem of a generation. Especially one he’s not a part of. I’m just saying.
Here we go.
“A denial! A denial! A denial! A denial! A denial …”
Outstanding! Not greatest thirty seconds on “Idol” ever, that’s still Blaker beat-boxing to “You Give Love a Bad Name”, but that was epically awesome. Epically awesome. Hang on, that’s getting rewound a time or two.
Or eleven and counting.
That’s what music should be: epically awesome. Head-banging sweet. And completely original. Screw you modern top 40. Bring back the days when music was completely original, please. There’s a reason why nobody twenty years from now is going to remember one damned hit from 2009, 2010, or 2011, save for maybe whatever Usher puts out. And why every person watching this show knew exactly what was coming entering that chorus a couple minutes ago. Originality matters. Creativity matters. Quality f*cking matters.
(And that’s also the reason why satellite radio matters to me, and a rapidly growing population. You can keep your 23 minutes of commercials every hour, horrendously unfunny and not even remotely “shock jock” DJ’s, and playing the same five songs over and over again to yourself. I’ll happily pay $18.95 / month to have QUALITY music, commercial free, DJ free, just music from when music was good. Screw you top 40 radio. Screw you).
That, and we definitely have a pony racing to the front of the pack at the quarter pole. And said pony’s name is Casey Abrams.
* Lauren: how do you follow that? With Melissa Etheridge. Ugh. And I say that as a fan of our local hero. She’s an incredible musician. But Etheridge after Nirvana? Talk about getting screwed on drawing the order in which you perform …
Casey’s backstage interview is why I totally dig live music. The euphoria of nailing something (almost) perfectly. Great stuff. Like three years ago, when David Cook took on and reinvented “Hello” by Lionel Richie, that look with about 20 seconds left in the performance as he entered the final chorus, the eyes, the “f*ck yeah I nailed this” sh*t eating grin. Not sure what I’m going for here, other than I love seeing people take a chance and have it work out for them. And tackling the song of a generation is a HUGE risk. Balls of f*cking steel.
Lauren looks rattled, and she hasn’t even started yet. She’s apparently sick. She’s handing out masks. And this is so hokey, so ridiculous, I’m ready to move on. But I like Melissa Etheridge, so I stick with it.
She was born my senior year in high school. Excuse me, I need to go treat myself like a couch in West Virginia if they win today (aka light myself on fire). Good God. 1994! Contestants on this show born in 1994! She gets the old chick in “Gone With the Wind” Memorial Award from this competition. “She’s half my age! She’s half as old as me! How did we EVER get here?!?!” And her folks look my age?!?! I don’t know much, but I do know this: growing old sucks ass.
(Seriously, senior year in high school! Am I really this old?!?! (dusty voice) yes! Now shut up and get back to the recap Stevo!)
This starts out really well. If she’s sick, she’s masking it well (rimshot!)
When she gets to the chorus, you can tell the voice isn’t all there. But this is still a really good effort. She’s safe.
One to go!
* Jacob: let me state three things up front before I recap this. (1) “Alone” is a song that should never, under any circumstance, in any situation, be sung by a dude. It’s just creepy and really pathetic if it’s sung from a guy’s perspective. Dude, it’s called “The Eclipse”, go there and you won’t go home alone. You might puke when you wake up and see what’s next to you in the morning, and you might have a burning sensation for the rest of your life when you pee, and there’s a decent chance you’ll be at a Planned Parenthood with cash in hand about six weeks later, but you won’t go home alone. (2) there are only two chicks allowed to sing this song, Ann Wilson and Carrie Underwood, and (3) you have zero, zip, nada chance of even coming remotely close to Underwood’s version of this, which pretty much won her “Idol” when there was still nine weeks to go, she was so phenomenal. Even I call it the best performance in Idol history, and I’m naturally biased against anything that wasn’t done by Blake Lewis. Having established that, here we go.
And having established that … I like the opening. I really like the opening. He’s doing a completely different version of this song – higher octave, different pace, so far, so good.
He also didn’t do the entire first verse. Might be a mistake. If he’s gonna focus on the chorus, he’s toast with strawberry jam on it.
Good Lord, his face entering the chorus, he looks like he’s passing a kidney stone. And that’s not a good thing.
Holy freaking God. Hang on.
(steve rewinding the performance).
Take everything I said in the opening paragraph of this guy’s recap (save for the parts about the Eclipse, those are universal givens), and completely erase them from your memory. And please, take everything I said about “if he’s gonna focus on the chorus, he’s toast with strawberry jam on it”, and pretend I never typed that phrase twice in the same post.
THAT was amazing!
That might be top ten of all time performance wise, it was that amazing. He absolutely took that chorus, that song, and dominated it like Zeus humping the couch. Chew toy in mouth. He absolutely nailed that! Hang on, this might get rewound more than Casey’s cover of Nirvana did.
Hang on …
(steve buying single on iTunes …) Absolutely perfect.
Holy God. Incredible. That was absolutely incredible. How does that only have 2 likes on Youtube! so far? That was a (reggie jackson voice) second f*cking base performance! Absolutely amazing!
And yes, I know he f*cked up switching octaves in the chorus. I know his voice gave out there for a second. Who gives a rat’s ass? He NAILED that. He absolutely freaking nailed that! He swung between four effing octaves from verse to end of chorus! He pounded that like Zeuser pounds a Beggin’ Strip! Wow. Just … wow.
(steve giving a standing ovation)
Hold on, I’m not done.
(steve continuing standing ovation)
THAT was epic. That was absolutely epic. What a way to close the top 12.
Also love how Jacob kind of tears up when he finishes. Hey, when you give a Pantheon performance, one that ten years from now will be making the “top 10 of all time” lists regarding this show, it’s cool to show emotion, at least with me. Take a bow sir, you more than earned it.
Randy: “genius”. Exactly. That’s a perfect phrase for what we just witnessed: genius. That, or perfection.
Steven: “your mama may not have been able to sing, but she gave you the moxie that makes you what you are right now”. I’m telling you, Youtube! this thing. It’s that epic of a performance. Hell, I’ll Youtube! it for you, just click, sit back, and prepare to clap like a trained seal.
J-Lo tearing up again. In her defense, that was beyond epic.
And if Casey is the pony racing to the front of the pack at the quarter pole, Jacob’s sprinting to the lead in the greyhound race …
Best performance: Jacob. Not even close. Well, ok, Casey was good, and so was James and Stefano, but holy freaking God, NOTHING is touching what Jacob pulled off. Nothing.
Worst performance: Haley. I couldn’t stay tuned in for twenty seconds of my favorite Whitney song.
Going home: Thia or Naima. I’d bet the family farm on Naima.
----------------------
For some reason, “Idol” didn’t TiVo last night. Only four more weeks of bowling until I can watch this thing live and avoid any unfortunate cable and/or satellite provider idiocy.
(OK, ok, user idiocy).
So … since Channel 131 is down as well, I’ll have to Youtube! the performances.
According to Slezak’s column at tvline.com, here’s the set list, and I’ll just pull them up and watch them in this order, so if it’s not the same order as the actual performance, well … (milli vanilli voice) blame it on the rain.
Naima Adedopo: Tina Turner, “What’s Love Got to Do With It”. If she screws this up, there will be riot-like conditions in this column. I freaking love this song.
Paul McDonald: Elton John, “I Guess That’s Why They Call It The Blues”. Another potential riot-like condition if this is a trainwreck. The background music to my favorite scene from “Family Guy” ever. “I will be a dignified cripple! / Joe! I’ve been in a wheelchair for 45 minutes …”
Thia Megia: Vanessa Williams “Colors of the Wind”. This would also be known as the “bathroom break” portion of the evening.
James Durbin: Bon Jovi “I’ll Be There For You”. This has sick potential.
Haley Reinhart: Whitney Houston “I’m Your Baby Tonight”. Already embracing the adult entertainer side of her that she’s destined to give into.
Stefano Langone: Simply Red “If You Don’t Know Me By Now”. Apparently Stefano and I have a few things in common. Not sure that’s a good thing. Glug glug. Giggigy goo.
Pia Toscano: Whitney Houston “Where Do Broken Hearts Go”. They go to the local bar honey.
Scott McCreery: Travis Tritt “Can I Trust You With My Heart”. I have never heard one second of this song before.
Karen Rodriguez: Taylor Dayne “Love Will Lead You Back”. I’d have gone with my favorite by Ms. Dayne, “I’ll Be Your Shelter”. In a discussion of the most underrated … and the most drop dead gorgeous … singers of the early 90s, I’d take Ms. Dayne to win both categories.
Casey Abrams: Nirvana “Smells Like Teen Spirit”. Will he put marbles in his mouth for the verse?
Lauren Alaina: Melissa Etheridge “Am I The Only One”. I’d have gone with “Angels Will Fall” but I guess it is birth year songs, and that one came out in 2001. So ok, hopefully this is good.
Jacob Lusk: Heart “Alone”. Having not seen one second of performance at this point, I’m guessing this is who’s going home tomorrow. Dude, there are three songs on this show that are OWNED by a contestant. Blake doing “You Give Love a Bad Name”. Asshat Archuleta doing “Heaven”. And Carrie Underwood doing “Alone”, the greatest performance on “Idol” ever (and my second favorite, behind Blaker). This is not going to end well.
(seacrest voice) Dim the lights, turn down the music, here we go! Oh wait, that would be turn on the lights, turn up the music, and here we go!
* Naima: 14 likes, 9 dislikes on Youtube! That’s not a good sign. And the “sympathy” piece that occupies the first minute is irritating as hell. Let’s just get to the music already ok? Good grief, is FOX so hard up for semi-decent programming that we have to waste 90 seconds on puff pieces like this? (Yup). Notes her choice was a “big hit back in 1984”. (fake shock voice) No. It only jump-started Tina’s solo career, won every damned Grammy it was up for, made a perfect, concise, common sense argument in favor of casual sex that helped launch the care-free society we all enjoy today, AND gave us one of the best music videos of all time, but ok, “big hit” seems like a good description. I’d go with “career defining moment”, but that’s just me.
I’m torn here. I LOVE the vocal. I absolutely LOVE the direction she took this. But I HATE the background noise. The band is not doing her one ounce of favor. But the vocal’s that good. At least that catchy. I’d keep her around another week.
Note: unless the performance is jaw-dropping amazing … or Sanjaya-esque awful, I’m not listening to the judges comments. It’s my review, not theirs. That, and I’m trying to get this knocked out in time to get in a little breakfast and blackjack this morning before the tourney gets underway.
(I clicked back to verify my thoughts … and yes, I would spend $1.29 on iTunes for this. The vocal was that solid. But the band was that awful).
* Paul: another non-sympathy generating background story. Although at least I laughed a couple times.
OK, I’ll say it. He’s stoned out of his f*cking mind. He is absolutely baked on that stage.
For being baked worse than DJ or me at a Ben Harper concert, this isn’t half bad. Having said that, this was god-awful awful. We’re sticking around for the judges comments.
J-Lo: “It sounded good. You have so much soul, so much star quality, that you overcame that”. She blames this on the sinuses. No sweetie, it’s the pot. Just look at his eyes – always the dead giveaway that you’re toking. Yes, he’s toking. He’s (brewer and shipley voice) one toke over the line, sweet Jesus, one toke over the line.
Randy: “get the notes right”.
Steven: “you define cool dude and a loose mood”. That’s pretty much accurate.
I will not be buying that on iTunes. But I’d keep him around for another week.
* Thia: oy. Do I even have to review this? It’s a horrible song by a performer I can’t stand. You know what, f*ck it. Blogger’s choice, let’s just skip this and move on. I don’t care if she gave the performance of a lifetime, I don’t think spending 5 minutes watching this chick perform is worth it.
If you had 7:28am in the “Steve cracks his first beer of the morning” pool, congrats, you’re a winner.
* James: this has 26 likes, 5 dislikes. That’s a good sign. Kate Hudson in the hizz-ouse!
Now THIS is how you do a puff piece. Great background story. Probably good I’ve never been on a reality show, because my mom would totally make me look like a moron like his did. That, and the only reality show I’d ever participate in is “Big Brother”, and I don’t think America wants to see me sitting by a pool, shirtless, getting drunk at 3pm every day. Or do they?
(Actually, that’s not true – I’d do “The Amazing Race” too, if I was paired with “The Voice of Reason”, if only to watch us crap out on night one because neither one of us can drive a stick shift. There’s comedy, there’s high comedy, and then there’s “Gregg and Steve ask the neighbor to back a car up the driveway because neither one has a f*cking clue how to use a clutch”).
My only b*tch so far – if you’re picking a song from 1989, how can you not cover “Rush Rush” by Pauler? That’s an outrage.
Good God, is this song really from my sixth grade year? Gotta give it up to Carla Gugino – she was drop dead gorgeous in this video and time has treated her well, she’s still drop dead gorgeous.
This is really good. This is really, really good. He’s safe. And royalties off a $1.29 iTunes purchase richer. We’re sticking around for the judges again, this might be the best of the night.
Steven: mocking the opening segment. “Don’t get too poppy on me”. I think Stevo’s been hanging out with Paul backstage. James: “I don’t want to spoil Aerosmith until the finale!” Love the self-confidence.
J-Lo: has tears running down her cheek. Somewhere, Mark Anthony is jealous.
Randy: b*tching about pitchiness. I didn’t hear any pitchiness. Calls it “very tastefully done”. Remember that old ESPN the Magazine ad with KG and Marbury? “All nude. (pause) But tastefully done”. Good grief, I can’t remember what I had for dinner last night, but I can remember that.
* Haley: if she didn’t have a future working the 6 to close shift at The Shady Lady, I wouldn’t be watching this.
Diamond or Sunny. Keep those names in mind honey. Odds are you’ll be using one of them in a couple years.
Sorry, that’s it. I’m not even 20 seconds into this performance and it is so wretchedly awful, I have to pull the plug. Plus she’s not learned one damned thing from Haley Scarnato – this is way too conservative of an outfit.
* Stefano: 73 likes, 2 dislikes. This, I like.
And note: who gives a rip if the kid has a DUI in his past? Everybody effs up once or twice. Or in my case, 1,039,563,283,846 times (approximate). Which reminds me – avoid Westport tonight readers. The KCPD has this new mobile DUI unit that can process up to five drinkers at a time. God forbid our power-mad cops ever focus on where the drunks really are at Power and Light. No, let’s keep targeting where the responsible drinkers are, in midtown, Brookside, and Waldo. It’s ridiculous. I can honestly say, if I go out and pound six vodka tonics in an hour, I can easily make it home and I won’t even appear to be intoxicated. That 22 year old at Shark Bar? I’m guessing he’s much more of a danger on our roads than me. I hope whoever wins the mayoral election corrects this travesty of justice, and focuses the DUI patrols where they need to be: the (joe pesci voice) utes hangouts, and not the places the grizzled veterans of the drinking process frequent, like they currently target.
This is pretty good. Honestly, I like this better than the original. It’s not top ten of all time worthy, but it’s a rock solid effort. He’s safe.
* Pia: had a debate earlier today – I rank her second hottest Idol contestant ever, after the one, the only, the incomparable Kimberly Caldwell. “The Voice of Reason” had Underwood rated above her too. Sorry, can’t do that. She looks too much like a young Ali MacGraw to bump her down a notch. And yes, I realize 99.99% of the people who read this have no idea what a young Ali MacGraw looked like. Thanks again, mom and dad, for tossing my ass in front of a television to watch sad-sap early 70s movies as a kid! And again, I sadly mean that in a “no really, I honestly am grateful, really I am” kind of way.
Love how when Ryan kicks it to the screen to “find out a little bit more about Pia”, Stefano’s eyes just bulge out in a “sweet!” kind of way. I like this kid! You can almost picture the drool running down the side of his chin as this backstory unfolds.
Good God, this girl covered Whitney at age 5. Maybe she can handle Whitney tonight.
Her grandpa sounds like a great dude.
If you had 7:53am in the “Steve cracks open the second beer of the day” pool, congrats, you’re a winner!
Jimmy asking her to “show growth”. Uuh, I think her fanbase has no problems with that every Wednesday.
Oh. My. God. This is incredible. And I’m not referring to the camera giving us gratuitous shots of her, uuh, intimate areas on that extended high note.
Wow. Just … wow. Hang on, gotta relisten to this one.
Phenomenal. Absolutely phenomenal. Best of the night, by far, so far, and I totally dug James’ performance of Bon Jovi. This one blew his out of the water.
* Scotty: never heard this song before. I like this kid, he’s got talent, but dude – at some point, you gotta branch off the country if you want to win.
49 likes, 1 dislike on the video count. Solid.
Still have four performances to go after Scotty, three of which I’m dreading, two of which I’m debating skipping. (I’d skip Jacob, but he’s going to be so awful on “Alone” that I can’t tune it out).
This kid is 17, and his normal speaking voice is lower than anything I can speak. Oy.
Well, this song is pretty much the religious right’s response to “What’s Love Got to Do With It”. Having said that, this is a really solid vocal. I’m not a big fan of it, because I’m not really a country music fan, but this is a solid performance, if that makes sense.
* Karen: 0 likes, 0 dislikes. Apparently America loves this chick as much as I do.
Which means Hello Bottom Three once again! Or excuse me, since barring another stay of execution, Neil Diamond Radio goes kaput for the fourth time at midnight tonight, (neil diamond voice) Hello again. Hello.
Very nice outfit. Very attractive girl.
A perfectly mediocre performance. (neil diamond voice) Hello, my friend, hello. She’s in the bottom three. Although I liked singing the end of it in espanol. As someone who loves incorporating Spanish phrasing into everyday language, es muy bueno!
* Casey: this is either going to be one of the most epic performances in Idol history, or it’s going to be one of the most epically awful performances in Idol history. Don’t see a middle ground here going in. As the great, legendary Mr. Hugh M. Hefner would note, “I have no idea how the hell this is going to end, but this is going to be something REALLY special”.
Wait, I thought contestants couldn’t use instruments this year? On the other hand, doing this without a guitar would cheapen it. Good call to loosen the rules for (whitney houston voice) one moment in time.
Here we go. “Hello! Hello! Hello! How low? Hello! Hello! …”
And – (steve hitting the pause button) had to pause it entering the chorus – everyone, and I mean everyone, the audience, the judges, this blogger, dug the beginning verse. Everyone was nodding their heads, tapping their feet, knowing what this is building to. In the words of me to Dusty, “do NOT f*ck this up!” This next thirty seconds could be the greatest moment in “Idol” history. I’m just saying.
That, and every person between the ages of 25 and 45 (hey, that’s me!), this is THE defining song of our generation. It’s the song that launched alternative rock, it’s the song that launched modern music, it completely revolutionized the playing field. To take this one on? Takes balls of steel. There’s no “yeah, I thought it was ok” about this. Either the viewing public (mostly made up of us 25 to 45 year olds) will totally dig this next thirty seconds, or Casey’s going home tomorrow. (I guess that’s tonight, since I’m recapping this on Thursday morning). There’s no middle ground to be had. This dude might wind up being my favorite contestant since Blaker. And I never thought anyone could approach Blaker on this show for me. Balls of steel to take on the anthem of a generation. Especially one he’s not a part of. I’m just saying.
Here we go.
“A denial! A denial! A denial! A denial! A denial …”
Outstanding! Not greatest thirty seconds on “Idol” ever, that’s still Blaker beat-boxing to “You Give Love a Bad Name”, but that was epically awesome. Epically awesome. Hang on, that’s getting rewound a time or two.
Or eleven and counting.
That’s what music should be: epically awesome. Head-banging sweet. And completely original. Screw you modern top 40. Bring back the days when music was completely original, please. There’s a reason why nobody twenty years from now is going to remember one damned hit from 2009, 2010, or 2011, save for maybe whatever Usher puts out. And why every person watching this show knew exactly what was coming entering that chorus a couple minutes ago. Originality matters. Creativity matters. Quality f*cking matters.
(And that’s also the reason why satellite radio matters to me, and a rapidly growing population. You can keep your 23 minutes of commercials every hour, horrendously unfunny and not even remotely “shock jock” DJ’s, and playing the same five songs over and over again to yourself. I’ll happily pay $18.95 / month to have QUALITY music, commercial free, DJ free, just music from when music was good. Screw you top 40 radio. Screw you).
That, and we definitely have a pony racing to the front of the pack at the quarter pole. And said pony’s name is Casey Abrams.
* Lauren: how do you follow that? With Melissa Etheridge. Ugh. And I say that as a fan of our local hero. She’s an incredible musician. But Etheridge after Nirvana? Talk about getting screwed on drawing the order in which you perform …
Casey’s backstage interview is why I totally dig live music. The euphoria of nailing something (almost) perfectly. Great stuff. Like three years ago, when David Cook took on and reinvented “Hello” by Lionel Richie, that look with about 20 seconds left in the performance as he entered the final chorus, the eyes, the “f*ck yeah I nailed this” sh*t eating grin. Not sure what I’m going for here, other than I love seeing people take a chance and have it work out for them. And tackling the song of a generation is a HUGE risk. Balls of f*cking steel.
Lauren looks rattled, and she hasn’t even started yet. She’s apparently sick. She’s handing out masks. And this is so hokey, so ridiculous, I’m ready to move on. But I like Melissa Etheridge, so I stick with it.
She was born my senior year in high school. Excuse me, I need to go treat myself like a couch in West Virginia if they win today (aka light myself on fire). Good God. 1994! Contestants on this show born in 1994! She gets the old chick in “Gone With the Wind” Memorial Award from this competition. “She’s half my age! She’s half as old as me! How did we EVER get here?!?!” And her folks look my age?!?! I don’t know much, but I do know this: growing old sucks ass.
(Seriously, senior year in high school! Am I really this old?!?! (dusty voice) yes! Now shut up and get back to the recap Stevo!)
This starts out really well. If she’s sick, she’s masking it well (rimshot!)
When she gets to the chorus, you can tell the voice isn’t all there. But this is still a really good effort. She’s safe.
One to go!
* Jacob: let me state three things up front before I recap this. (1) “Alone” is a song that should never, under any circumstance, in any situation, be sung by a dude. It’s just creepy and really pathetic if it’s sung from a guy’s perspective. Dude, it’s called “The Eclipse”, go there and you won’t go home alone. You might puke when you wake up and see what’s next to you in the morning, and you might have a burning sensation for the rest of your life when you pee, and there’s a decent chance you’ll be at a Planned Parenthood with cash in hand about six weeks later, but you won’t go home alone. (2) there are only two chicks allowed to sing this song, Ann Wilson and Carrie Underwood, and (3) you have zero, zip, nada chance of even coming remotely close to Underwood’s version of this, which pretty much won her “Idol” when there was still nine weeks to go, she was so phenomenal. Even I call it the best performance in Idol history, and I’m naturally biased against anything that wasn’t done by Blake Lewis. Having established that, here we go.
And having established that … I like the opening. I really like the opening. He’s doing a completely different version of this song – higher octave, different pace, so far, so good.
He also didn’t do the entire first verse. Might be a mistake. If he’s gonna focus on the chorus, he’s toast with strawberry jam on it.
Good Lord, his face entering the chorus, he looks like he’s passing a kidney stone. And that’s not a good thing.
Holy freaking God. Hang on.
(steve rewinding the performance).
Take everything I said in the opening paragraph of this guy’s recap (save for the parts about the Eclipse, those are universal givens), and completely erase them from your memory. And please, take everything I said about “if he’s gonna focus on the chorus, he’s toast with strawberry jam on it”, and pretend I never typed that phrase twice in the same post.
THAT was amazing!
That might be top ten of all time performance wise, it was that amazing. He absolutely took that chorus, that song, and dominated it like Zeus humping the couch. Chew toy in mouth. He absolutely nailed that! Hang on, this might get rewound more than Casey’s cover of Nirvana did.
Hang on …
(steve buying single on iTunes …) Absolutely perfect.
Holy God. Incredible. That was absolutely incredible. How does that only have 2 likes on Youtube! so far? That was a (reggie jackson voice) second f*cking base performance! Absolutely amazing!
And yes, I know he f*cked up switching octaves in the chorus. I know his voice gave out there for a second. Who gives a rat’s ass? He NAILED that. He absolutely freaking nailed that! He swung between four effing octaves from verse to end of chorus! He pounded that like Zeuser pounds a Beggin’ Strip! Wow. Just … wow.
(steve giving a standing ovation)
Hold on, I’m not done.
(steve continuing standing ovation)
THAT was epic. That was absolutely epic. What a way to close the top 12.
Also love how Jacob kind of tears up when he finishes. Hey, when you give a Pantheon performance, one that ten years from now will be making the “top 10 of all time” lists regarding this show, it’s cool to show emotion, at least with me. Take a bow sir, you more than earned it.
Randy: “genius”. Exactly. That’s a perfect phrase for what we just witnessed: genius. That, or perfection.
Steven: “your mama may not have been able to sing, but she gave you the moxie that makes you what you are right now”. I’m telling you, Youtube! this thing. It’s that epic of a performance. Hell, I’ll Youtube! it for you, just click, sit back, and prepare to clap like a trained seal.
J-Lo tearing up again. In her defense, that was beyond epic.
And if Casey is the pony racing to the front of the pack at the quarter pole, Jacob’s sprinting to the lead in the greyhound race …
Best performance: Jacob. Not even close. Well, ok, Casey was good, and so was James and Stefano, but holy freaking God, NOTHING is touching what Jacob pulled off. Nothing.
Worst performance: Haley. I couldn’t stay tuned in for twenty seconds of my favorite Whitney song.
Going home: Thia or Naima. I’d bet the family farm on Naima.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
i stand corrected ...
First of all, congrats to XM Radio, for giving the listening public for the fourth time the best radio station ever:
Neil. Diamond. Radio.
I mean, we're at four friggin appearances and counting since the channel "debuted" with his "American Idol" night two years ago. How many times do you have to keep bringing this back before you figure out there's one helluva audience for it! (Myself definitely included!)
But since a little earlier this year I proclaimed either (take your pick) "Go Your Own Way" or "Silver Springs" as the greatest breakup song ever (both by the "absolutely I'm in, when they comin'?!?!" incredible band Fleetwood Mac) ...
Uuh, "NDR", as it's known with me and a few close friends, gave me what is THE greatest "breakup" song driving home tonight.
"You Don't Bring Me Flowers", an amazing duet with Neil and Barbra Streisand from when I was three, apparently.
The sad thing is ... I remember their Grammy performance. And I was three! It's still my favorite Grammy moment ever. And the lyrics ... damn. Beyond incredible.
Enjoy arguably the Grammy's greatest moment of my lifetime, to Neil Diamond Radio's greatest contribution to my day. (And yes, watch the first 40 seconds -- you can not only see how terrified Streisand was to actually sing ... she pauses for a good three, four seconds before opening in a "wait, I can still escape behind the curtain" kind of way. Which drives this duet from "epic" to "beyond epic" ...)
I still get chills 30 friggin years later. And yes, I'm old, but God bless it, when music actually was music and not some insanely hot 25 year old being remixed by a computer ... to hear the standing ovation of music when MUSIC mattered ... absolutely awesome.
And you're damned right I want someday for the words to this song to matter to me. But hopefully not for too long ...
Neil. Diamond. Radio.
I mean, we're at four friggin appearances and counting since the channel "debuted" with his "American Idol" night two years ago. How many times do you have to keep bringing this back before you figure out there's one helluva audience for it! (Myself definitely included!)
But since a little earlier this year I proclaimed either (take your pick) "Go Your Own Way" or "Silver Springs" as the greatest breakup song ever (both by the "absolutely I'm in, when they comin'?!?!" incredible band Fleetwood Mac) ...
Uuh, "NDR", as it's known with me and a few close friends, gave me what is THE greatest "breakup" song driving home tonight.
"You Don't Bring Me Flowers", an amazing duet with Neil and Barbra Streisand from when I was three, apparently.
The sad thing is ... I remember their Grammy performance. And I was three! It's still my favorite Grammy moment ever. And the lyrics ... damn. Beyond incredible.
Enjoy arguably the Grammy's greatest moment of my lifetime, to Neil Diamond Radio's greatest contribution to my day. (And yes, watch the first 40 seconds -- you can not only see how terrified Streisand was to actually sing ... she pauses for a good three, four seconds before opening in a "wait, I can still escape behind the curtain" kind of way. Which drives this duet from "epic" to "beyond epic" ...)
I still get chills 30 friggin years later. And yes, I'm old, but God bless it, when music actually was music and not some insanely hot 25 year old being remixed by a computer ... to hear the standing ovation of music when MUSIC mattered ... absolutely awesome.
And you're damned right I want someday for the words to this song to matter to me. But hopefully not for too long ...
Monday, March 14, 2011
the world's longest ncaa picks post
As always, here are my NCAA Tournament projections, both out of tradition, and as a public service to the gambling community, of which I am a proud, addicted member. (Which reminds me -- I think Drew and I are going to try to hit the boats at least once this weekend, since we both have every day of the opening couple rounds off. Yup, I learned absolutely nothing from "The Comeback").
Also as always, if these prognostications are not THE longest NCAA tournament predictions you will read this year, you can feel free to help yourself to a beer in my cooler at the next summer tailgate. (Because there ain’t a shot in hell I’m tailgating again until it’s “t-shirt optional” weather).
If you're using my picks to fill out your bracket, please, ignore Billy Dee -- put down the paper bag with your Colt 45 in it, let the blunt burn out, and smack yourself around a few times to wake up. I am horrible at predicting this tournament! That's why I post these things every year, as an easy guide to gamble on these games with! All you have to do is say "wait, who did Steve pick?", look it up, and bam!, you know who not to take most of the time.
Actually, I am worse than horrible at picking the tourney. I'm the dude back in 1992 who predicted the 2 seed in the West, the Arizona "Super" Wildcats, to win the national championship. They lost in round one to Steve Nash's Santa Clara team, despite going on a 25-0 run at one point. Yes, a team I picked goes on a 25-0 run, and loses. And to think I actually wonder why I haven't been able to retire at age 34 from my gambling profits.
Having said that ... I have won the gambling pool twice (1995, 2002), and I finished runner up last year. I also somehow, incredibly, was the only person in our ESPN pool (out of 60 something entries) last year to pick Duke to win it all. Not even our resident Dookie apologist – and brace yourself champ, there’s some good Dookie humor coming your way over the next fifteen freaking pages – not even Dusty picked his school to win it all. So maybe I'm getting better at this after twenty some odd years of trying.
(Nah. That can't be it).
As always, this is what my main bracket in our ESPN competition (and any other competition I enter) will be. Also as always, this thing might top 20 pages by the time I'm done rambling on each game's prediction and getting in a few cheap shots and Shecky Greene-type funny jokes … (aka they’re not even remotely funny) … so you might want to print it off and take it to the second office if you're reading at work just to be safe. Sadly, I don't have a Boss Button like Gregg Easterbrook does, so you're on your own in terms of figuring out which printer to use.
Let's start in the East, since the CBS selection show did.
(As the first side rant, how awesome is it going to be to have Charles Barkley giving us game recaps, highlights, predictions, and analysis the next two weeks! As one of only four NBA die-hards in the greater Kansas City metropolitan area, I know a lot of you have never seen Chuckles and Kenny Smith on "Inside the NBA". Trust me, he's fantastic. Already he's called Billy Packer a "jackass" (there’s more on Bill still to come in fourteen some odd pages), and admitted yesterday that "if I ain't heard of your school, I probably ain't watching you play", when describing how he would analyze, predict, and recap said games over the next two weeks. Also, Barkley has a well-known gambling addiction (hey, like me!), and I guarantee you he's wagering on these games. If he loses a huge mark, this might be the biggest train wreck on a pregame show since Rush Limbaugh said the media was propping up Donovan McNabb because he was black. (A charge that was proven 150% correct, by the way). As someone far more famous and accomplished than me once noted: I don't know how the hell this is going to end, but either way, it's going to be something really special).
* East Regional Predictions:
First Four Games:
16 UTSA over 16 Alabama State. I have not watched one second of action involving either team this season, and I'm guessing that is not going to change over the next few days.
12 UAB over 12 Clemson. Good for the committee for taking a mid-major regular season champion over an endless supply of mediocre ACC schools. Unfortunately, the committee took the wrong mid-major regular season champion, it should have been Missouri State. Oh well. Clemson is 0-6 against the top 50 this year ... and got in as an at-large! Are you f*cking kidding me?!?! 0-6! And they're an at large! At least UAB has a couple solid victories this year, and they'll add a tourney win here.
Round of 64 Games:
1 Ohio State over 16 UTSA. I'm guessing this won't spend more than a couple seconds on any television I am watching. Should be an absolute ass kicking.
9 Villanova over 8 George Mason. There is no logical reason for this prediction. Villanova enters having lost five straight, nine out of ten, and eleven out of fifteen, and George Mason is probably the best mid-major team in the nation. I just refuse to believe Jay Wright can't milk one last gasp victory out of the sliding Wildcats. He's too good of a coach to go out like this. Plus, Gus Johnson has the call on this one. Something wacky is gonna go down.
4 Kentucky over 13 Princeton. Was very impressed of what I saw of Kentucky yesterday. They dominated a pretty solid Florida team that I have going pretty far. Wouldn't shock me at all if two weeks from now, John Calipari is hanging yet another Final Four banner that will be taken down within three years due to major NCAA violations -- he is a perfect 2 for 2 in that regard (the 2008 Tigers that broke every rule in the book, and then some, and the 1996 Minutemen, whose primary violation involved assistant coaches and assorted UMass boosters paying self-employed models to service Marcus Camby. That one has always fascinated me. First of all, that UMass had / has boosters. Incredible. But even more incredible, Mr. Camby has to be the first even semi-decent looking dude in college that had to pay for sex. Unless you count picking up the bar tab, and I sure as hell didn't. I mean, dude! You're 20! You're the most well known athlete in a five state area! And you have to pay to have fun after a game, or on a Tuesday night in mid December?!?! There's plenty of questions that raises, but since my goal is to keep at least 43% of my posts rated R or cleaner, let's just move on now. I mean, we haven't hit any Dookie predictions yet, and those are always good for a Shecky Greene-like punch line or five).
5 West Virginia over 12 UAB. Setting up a rematch of last year's East Regional final. Also an interesting contrast between arguably the luckiest Final Four coach ever (Mike Davis), and arguably the most cursed coach in hoops today (Huggy Bear). Huggy's had so many talented teams, yet has only reached two Final Fours, and zero national title games. Meanwhile Mike Davis back-stabs his way into replacing Bob Knight, lucks into one of the biggest train-wreck regionals of the decade (as a 5, he beat a 10 to reach Atlanta), and then somehow beats the guy who would replace him when he was fired three years later in the Final Four (Kelvin Sampson) before getting embarrassed by Maryland. OK, I pretty much had nothing for this matchup, so let's keep on rolling.
3 Syracuse over 14 Indiana State. I would argue this is Coach Boeheim's deepest, most prepared for March team since 2005. Having said that, those are the teams that usually crap out early -- that 2005 team didn't survive the first round, losing in overtime to Vermont. (And as a side note, KU lost to Bucknell not even 80 minutes after the Cuse lost in overtime. Both defeats were on St. Patrick's Day. The only even semi-remotely, possibly, "ok after six years the pain might have dulled enough to at least evoke a smirk" moment from that night that I don't want to permanently erase from my memory is the text from Dusty after KU lost: "nice win ku! i'm guessing you'll be a no show now" at Tanner's downtown for some late-night drinking on that blessed national holiday. Uuh, yeah. Let's just say I was in no state to drive. From the moment Taylor Coppenrath's three's started mounting for Vermont until Wayne Simien's final Patrick Ewing vs the Pacers-esque layup missed, I am pretty sure I consumed every drop of alcohol in the house and made two refill trips to Matchette Liquors. Let's hope this St. Paddy's Day goes a little bit better than the 2005 one did).
6 Xavier over 11 Marquette. Total coin flip. Xavier's made three straight Sweet Sixteen appearances, and is an overtime loss to Ohio State away from that being six straight, including an Elite Eight appearance in 2004. Marquette probably shouldn't have gotten in, to be honest ... but they're not the "lucky as hell to get in" team that I'm riding to the Sweet Sixteen.
2 North Carolina over 15 LIU. Please, CBS / TNT / TBS / whatever the hell TruTV is, please -- set this one for a 10:45pm ET tipoff. I need something boring and utterly unwatchable to fall asleep to. Thanks in advance, programming dudes. And that reminds me, I still need to confirm I have TruTV. Don't want this to be a NFL Network type situation, there's still a few days to change my (mean gene okerlund voice) cable and/or satellite provider.
7 Washington over 10 Georgia. Georgia is the worst at-large team in the field. Their loss to Alabama on Friday was one of the all time epic meltdown defeats. Washington is my sleeper in this region. They're good enough to reach Newark, if not Houston.
Round of 32 Games:
1 Ohio State over 9 Villanova. If it's George Mason instead of Villanova, it'll be a more competitive contest, but either way, Ohio State wins comfortably and cruises to the swamps of North Jersey.
5 West Virginia over 4 Kentucky. The Wayne Allyn Root Memorial Game of the Round of 32.
3 Syracuse over 6 Xavier. This will be a surprisingly uncompetitive contest. Having said that, I just have this sneaking, lingering fear that Rick Jackson is going down in this one. Just a really bad feeling that something is gonna happen in this game that screws the Cuse in the next round, like Onauku's injury last year (no way Butler beats Syracuse if Okinze was clogging the middle. Hell, they still almost beat Butler without him). Let's hope that like many gambling intuitions I have, this one is 100% wrong.
7 Washington over 2 North Carolina. Now this one, programming dudes, please -- put it in prime time, put it on CBS, and for the love of God, assign Gus Johnson's crew or Verne Lundquist and Bill Raftery to this one to ensure it'll wind up as the Instant Classic it appears to be on paper. This might be the best game of the tournament by the time it's all said and done. Plus, you know every Dookie in the house is going to cheer for Washington. (And while I'm not a Dookie -- I'm straight thank you very much -- in the words of the late, great Senator Edward M. Kennedy, "you can bet your ass" I'll be rooting against the Rat Bastard and his Heels. It's the single biggest thing I hate about Ol' Roy. It isn't the "I don't give a sh*t" comment, it isn't the fact that he's got two titles since he left KU (since we finally got one a few years ago), it isn't even the fact that in typical "jump on the bandwagon" fashion, he affixed that KU sticker to his Carolina shirt a few years ago after we beat him and his squad like a government mule two nights before. No, the biggest p*sser about Ol' Roy is this -- his arrival means I have to cheer for Duke at least twice a year, and this year, three times. Screw you Roy, for that. Screw you. I could justify it when my boy Scheyer was there. Now? I just feel dirty. I just feel cheap. I feel like a Dookie lacrosse player in a room full of willing strippers … excuse me, self-employed models – out of my element, completely unsure of what to do, and desperate to find a way out of the situation. What, too soon?)
Sweet Sixteen Contests:
1 Ohio State over 5 West Virginia. Another one of those "I could be talked into this" games that you should run the hell away from. West Virginia is good. Ohio State is phenomenally good.
7 Washington over 3 Syracuse. I have absolutely no idea how to predict this game. When in doubt, and when two squads are as evenly matched as these two are, and you have to pick the contest because the rules require you to predict every game, go with the team that has the best player on the floor. In this case, it's Isaiah Thomas. As much as I love Scoop ... he's gonna get torched in this one. Especially if my scary feeling about Rick Jackson comes to fruition.
The East Regional Final:
1 Ohio State over 7 Washington. Washington could win this game ... but I can already envision how this one is going to play out -- a fired up, sold out Prudential Center, 90% filled with Ohio State fans, raise the energy level, as Jon Diebler comes out, hits a couple early three's, and Washington is calling timeout three minutes in already down 10, not having a clue what's going on. Think KU / Stanford in 2002, still the funnest college game I've ever been to. Ohio State 78, Washington 65.
East Regional Champion: The Ohio State Buckeyes. They are the best team entering this tournament, and thanks to Washington knocking out two of the only three legit threats to them in the region, I have them reaching Houston relatively easily. But the best team rarely cuts down the nets come Championship Monday ...
* West Regional Predictions:
First Four Games: there are no First Four games in this regional.
Round of 64 Games:
1 Duke over 16 Hampton. Hampton has shocked the world before, by knocking out two seed Iowa State back in 2001. Somehow, I don't think this Hampton team is going to repeat a feat like that ten years later. Over / under on number of outrageous statements made by ESPN analysts after this one that any reasonable person would conclude was tantamount to verbal fellating, equally split between Nolan Smith, Kyle Singler, and pick a Plumlee: 1,038,438,442. I like the over.
9 Tennessee over 8 Michigan. Actually I apologize to Georgia -- Michigan is the worst team in this bracket, it's not even close at this point, and yet they're an eight seed. Are you flipping kidding me? This is an 8 seed?!?! A team that hasn't topped 90 all season, has topped 80 once, hasn't topped 75 since conference play began, and was a (typical and utterly predictable) Bruce Weber coaching meltdown away from probably not making the tourney at all! And they're an 8?!?! Bruce Pearl has to be laughing his ass off at this. Tennessee wins comfortably. As comfortably as, say, hosting a couple underage recruits at a barbeque, then lying to NCAA investigators about it. I mean, (dick vitale voice) are you serious? Are you serious? Dez Bryant basically has his collegiate career ended because he lied about having a meeting with a potential agent (Deion Sanders of all people. On second thought, if you're going to trust a dude who once literally drove his car off a bridge to test whether God would protect him, if that's the guy you're trusting with your decision making, it's probably best for all involved to shut the thing down). Anyways, Bruce Pearl commits a more outrageous lie ... and the school wasn't even gonna punish him! The conference stepped in and whacked him for eight games, but still. I love Bruce Pearl, but he should be fired and have at least a two year show-cause penalty slapped on him. Anything less than that, and I trust Dez Bryant has now hired competent legal representation that is ready to slap the NCAA with a lawsuit seeking financial damages for the blatant hypocrisy of the two rulings.
4 Texas over 13 Oakland. If any of the top four seeded teams are going out in round one, doesn't this smell like the team to crap out early? Oakland won at Tennessee, they rolled through their conference, and they've got a tremendous player in Keith Benson capable of taking over a game. And they're facing Rick Barnes, who as I always point out, is the only coach in America to have Kevin Durant, DJ Augustin and Damion James on his roster, and fail to win a regular season conference title, a postseason conference title, or survive the first weekend. Just one of three Rick. I’m pretty sure even I could manage that if I was spotted 22 freaking points, like you were in OKC in the Big XII toonumunt in 2007. If I do a second bracket, I might pick the upset, but for the official Steve Tourney Picks, I stick with Texas. For now. Subject to revision between now and Thursday.
5 Arizona over 12 Memphis. How does anyone think this will be even remotely competitive? This is not your father's Memphis team, so to speak. Hell, it's not even last decade's Memphis team, the one that reached the Elite Eight three straight times, the Sweet Sixteen five straight times, and threw in a National Championship game appearance to boot. (Oh yeah, thanks again guys, for not giving two sh*ts about learning how to shoot a free throw down the stretch. I know, I know -- we'd still have won the championship anyways, since y'all blatantly cheated to get there, but still, it's always nice to win the title on the court, rather than via the court system). Arizona is good. Memphis is awfully mediocre at best. This won't be all that competitive.
3 UConn over 14 Bucknell. Congrats to UConn, for doing what I honestly thought was impossible -- winning five games in five days to take the Big East championship. Having said that, UConn is at least three seeds too high, and Bucknell can absolutely win this game. Kemba Walker can't save their ass every night, can he? Another one that I might pick the upset in a second bracket ... or revisit the original pick by Thursday morning ...
11 Missouri over 6 Cincinnati. Speaking of horrendously over-seeded Big East competition, your Cincinnati Bearcats everyone! And Mizzou, dear God, who's leg did they try to hump to wind up as an 11 seed? Yikes. Michigan is an 8, Mizzou is an 11. Yeah, sure Tourney Committee. Sure. If you believe that's legitimate, fair, and an accurate assessment of the season that was, I've got some ocean front property in Arizona for you to peruse. From the front porch you can see the sea. Yup, ocean front property in Arizona. And if you'll buy that, I'll throw the Golden Gate in free. (its ok, you can sing along for the big finale) If you buy that … I’ll throw the Golden … Gate … in … free. Mr. George Strait everyone! (roaring round of applause!)
2 San Diego State over 15 Northern Colorado. State is good. They're really good. Don't know anything about Northern Colorado, but State is damned good. Since I got nothing else to add, can someone at CBS please, please, since this is a San Diego team, do a “Three’s Company” theme for this game? I know all the greats from that sitcom have sadly departed us – the great John Ritter, the legendary Don Knotts, the incomparable Norman Fell. This world is a much more depressing face without their tomfoolery and hijinks. So come on, throw a dog a bone. Steve Fisher does look frighteningly like Ralph Ferley as the series drug along, after all. And Richard Kline deserves some work thrown his way. (Yes, my love of late 70s / early 80s sitcoms frightens the p*ss out of me. Thanks mom and dad, for plopping me in front of the TV in my formulative years! And sadly, I really do mean that in a positive, rewarding, “no really, that is a sincere thank you” kind of way …)
7 Temple over 10 Penn State. Penn State impressed me, that quarter-final abortion against Wisconsin notwithstanding. You can probably count on one finger the number of teams in the shot-clock era that have scored 36 … and won comfortably. They demolished Michigan State on Saturday, and hung with Ohio State for most of the title game. Also knocked off a few decent teams earlier in the season. Having said that, they're not beating Temple. God don’t like ugly, and ugly doesn’t even begin to describe that abortion against Wisconsin.
Round of 32 Games:
1 Duke over 9 Tennessee. If UNC / Washington is the game I'm most looking forward to in round two, this one is a damned close second. This is gonna be fun. First team to 105 wins! Maybe! OK, ok, 110! Do I hear 115! Duke survives, although if CBS shows the latest Plumlee coming to Duke next year as much as ESPN did this weekend, I'm not sure my television set is going to survive the barrage of Coors Light bottles headed it's way. I mean, for Christ's sake, whatever the hell this Plumlee is, and in annoying fashion, their first names all begin with a M, probably for "mother f*cking morons" which is what their parents are for lacking any creativity or sense when it comes to naming their kids, for Dick Vitale to call them the "First Family of College Basketball", like he (at least in his mind) credibly did yesterday, is just unfathomable. What does that make the Hansborough's? Or the Curry's? Or the Newton's ... wait, Cecil Newton is football, never mind. But that's just incredible. If ESPN's coverage was any more slanted towards Duke, my TV would be rolling downhill from lack of being level or even. It might be time to take the keys away from Uncle Dick, just like ESPN had to from Cousin Mike Patrick a few years ago. (christopher cross voice) I know it’s crazy … but it’s true.
5 Arizona over 4 Texas. If Texas couldn't handle the Morris twins, how the hell are they gonna handle Derrick Williams? Plus, I mean, the coaching matchup here, if you can call this a "matchup", holy God what a mismatch. The "I can find a way to lose to anyone, anywhere, anytime" Rick Barnes against Sean Miller, who has taken the nuclear holocaust that was Arizona basketball after Kevin O'Neill was done with it, and somehow has it winning the Pac 10 not even two years later. This, after maintaining Xavier's excellence after replacing Thad Motta there. If this is close, and I stupidly somehow expect it to be, always bet on the good coach, not the one who invokes memories of Dale Brown and Quin Snyder. (Who, ironically, coaches in Austin in the D-League. The NBA! And it’s D-League! It's Fan Friggin Tastic! And don’t you dare mock our D-League, it’s the only even semi-pro hoops you’ll be seeing until 2014 when this current season is over!)
11 Missouri over 3 UConn. One team is at least three seeds too low, the other is at least three seeds too high. I love Mizzou's draw, by the way. I absolutely love Mizzou's draw. And I say that as the only person in America that took Mizzou to the Elite Eight back in 2002 (as a 12 seed) for the exact same reason.
2 San Diego State over 7 Temple. Every time I've watched Temple this year, which has been about six or seven times, they've completely underwhelmed me. Richmond beat them pretty solidly this weekend. Duke pounded them. Georgetown owned them. Xavier swept them. State advances.
Sweet Sixteen Contests:
1 Duke over 5 Arizona. Arizona can win this game. They won't, but they can. Kind of like me making Dookie jokes – I could keep from writing them. I won't, but I can. (As a side note, I can already feel the rage building up in our resident Dookie apologist. I’m guessing my throw away joke in about eight pages to open the national title game preview has at least a 50/50 shot of coming true right now. Let’s just move on before I arrive on the “under no circumstance do you EVER let him take advantage of the open bar! You hear me! Never! I will beat your ass and drown you in the river if you let him get even a drop of booze at my expense!” list at the reception in a few weeks).
11 Missouri over 2 San Diego State. Look it, I like Steve Fisher. Hell, I absolutely adore the Fab Five. Those Michigan teams were the single best thing that ever happened to college hoops, and arguably the best thing to happen to basketball period since the ABA revolutionized the game. But if there's one flaw he possesses, it's that he blinks when getting stared down. I envision a MU / Memphis from 2009 type game here, where Mizzou's pressing defense keeps forcing turnovers, the Tigers get in front 10-12 points entering the stretch run, and one of the Pressey kids hits a huge three late to seal the victory.
The West Regional Final:
1 Duke over 11 Missouri. Only two teams seeded lower than eight have ever reached a Final Four (One is George Mason in 2006, an 11 seed. The other one, amazingly enough, is also an 11 seed. Even more shockingly – it was a team coached by Dale Brown! Your 1987 LSU Tigers. Yes, Dale Brown has coached in a Final Four! My jaw nearly hit the floor when I realized that. Arguably ... scratch that, unquestionably the worst D1 coach of all time, and even he's reached a Final Four! Yet Mizzou never has. Champions: Never Give Up … Unless You’re Mizzou and You Have No Shot at Winning the Trophy. You’re damned right that “motivational poster” hangs on my cubicle wall). If this is Mike Anderson's final game at MU, it isn't going to end well. Duke 79, Mizzou 72.
West Regional Champion: The Duke Blue Devils. Thank God I'm not responsible for cleaning up the locker room and the showers after the post-game celebration.
* Southeast Regional Predictions:
(Note: every year, at least one bracket ends up a complete and total train-wreck. The Bracket Buster region, so to speak. Last year it was the Midwest, when Georgetown (3 seed) was done on night one, KU (1 seed) didn't see week two, and your regional final was Michigan State (5) vs Tennessee (6), the first time in NCAA history a 5 and 6 seed battled to advance to a Final Four. I say that, because this year's Bracket Buster region, is the Southeast Regional. Or so says Stevo).
First Four Games:
16 Arkansas-Little Rock over 16 UNC Asheville. That UALR Sun Belt title game was awesome to watch, or at least the last couple minutes were. (Yes, I was watching the Sun Belt. In my defense, I was waiting for the game on after it, but still. That, and Zeus was laying on top of the remote, and once that dog gets comfy on the couch, he ain’t moving … unless you get up and open the bag of Beggin’ Strips. I’m lazy. Sun Belt stays on the TV). Since they're the team I've seen play, even if it was about three minutes of action, I'll pick them to be Pitt's (possible) sacrificial lamb on Thursday.
Round of 64 Games:
1 Pitt over 16 Arkansas-Little Rock. Although if ever a one seed was set up to lose to a 16, Pitt is that team. This is the most overrated team in America. They enter this tourney having lost three of five, have no go-to guy (a fatal flaw come March), and shaky tourney coaching. Still, I can't pick them to lose this early.
8 Butler over 9 Old Dominion. Tremendous first round matchup between the two mid-majors that could. In all sincerity, a question for the ages -- if Gordon Hayward's shot goes in last year and Butler beats Duke, does that go down as the greatest college game ever? SI.com argues "yes". I argue "no" -- it would be a tremendous game, one the basketball loving world would never forget, but "greatest college game ever"? I'd argue the Syracuse / UConn six overtime classic was "greater". Ditto the UNC / Michigan title game in 1992. And the greatest upset in college history, the Villanova / Georgetown title game in 1985. To say nothing of the one I’d vote for, Duke / Kentucky in the 1992 East Regional final (the Laettner shot in overtime). But Duke / Butler would absolutely be in the conversation had that shot gone in.
13 Belmont over 4 Wisconsin. Ugh. Is there a more unwatchable team in America than Wisconsin? Not even the New Jersey Nets are this unwatchable. I mean, I'd rather watch a church league whose teams are filled with 30 something out of shape dudes than watch Wisconsin "play basketball". I'd rather watch Gregg "coach" an intramural game back in the day, than watch anything affiliated with Wisconsin men's basketball. That game against Penn State set the sport back at least a decade. Belmont is going to win this game, and it's not going to be remotely competitive.
5 Kansas State over 12 Utah State. Tremendous first round game. Cat backers should be scared sh*tless by this matchup. Utah State is a damned solid team, well coached, that every year scares someone (starting back in 2003, the "forgotten" choke job KU game from the 2000s, when Utah State missed a buzzer beater that would have beaten the Jayhawks). But here's the thing -- they scare the big boys, but they never beat them. I expect the same thing here.
3 BYU over 14 Wofford. Maybe. I think Jimmer gives them a 48 point outing that somehow sees them surviving the upset scare. Maybe.
11 Gonzaga over 6 St. John's. Good God, how is St. John's a six? I mean, did the committee get ahold of some really good weed while seeding this thing? And if so, can I have a hit of it? It's been a while since I lit up and I gotta admit, I'm kind of jonesing for it right now. Gonzaga is seeded about right, honestly, but they've got a great draw. So many of their highly-seeded teams have flamed out, that is the reverse about to happen, a lower-seeded underachieving Zags team breaks through in March?
2 Florida over 15 UC Santa Barbara. Florida is a two?!?! Really?!?! Wow. I mean, I need whatever the committee was smoking. Not want, not desire, I need it. If only because then I can blame my usual insanity on something other than the fact that I'm, possibly, probably ... ok definitely, the clinical definition of insane.
10 UCLA over 7 Michigan State. State is a seven?!?! Hang on, let me spit out my Diet Coke here. No seriously. A team with 14 freaking losses is a seven?!?! A team that until Saturday was in the "last four in" grouping is a seven?!?! UCLA is grousely underseeded. It's criminitely bad. It's zues in nature. Let's move on, before I hit the not just banned from the booze, but I “gotta charm D’s mom to just get in the door” list at the reception.
Round of 32 Games:
8 Butler over 1 Pittsburgh. Screeeeeeeeech! That's the first car of the train careening off the tracks. Epically careening, like when my nephew decides to take Thomas the Train off the second bridge level in the train set he has. Doesn't end well for Thomas and friends. This game won't end well for Pitt. And we're just getting started in this region.
13 Belmont over 5 Kansas State. (jay bilas voice) This is a really, really good Belmont team. Since everything is either really, really good, or really, really awful in Jay Bilas' really, really entertaining world. ESPN Insider's ratings say Belmont, statistically, is the 17th best team in the country. KSU is super streaky, as we all know. They're capable of blowing out KU, they're capable of routing Texas in Austin ... and they're capable of losing not once, not twice, but three times in ten weeks to Colorado. Screeeeeeeeech! There goes Percy flying into the river at a very unsafe rate of speed! Poor Percy. He’s my favorite of Thomas’ friends. (And yes, for not having any kids (that I have been sued for support over), I know a frightening amount of Thomas the Train knowledge).
11 Gonzaga over 3 BYU. Screeeeeech! Good God, it’s worse than a slobberknocker! Oh, the carnage! The carnage! The only thing missing to take this to WWE scripted trainwreck of a match levels is if HHH's conveniently placed sledge hammer had caused the wreck. And incidentally, am I the only one who thinks Jimmer kinda looks like Screech? Well, except Jimmer can wear a wife-beater larger than size 4T and fill it out, but still, look at a photo of Jimmer from last weekend and grab a pic of Dustin Diamond back in the day. There is a resemblance. (See I told you I was insane. These picks are crying out "Charter! Two Rivers! County General!").
2 Florida over 10 UCLA. But I'm not sold on this pick at all. Florida is at least four seeds too high, and UCLA is at least a couple seeds too low. If Reeves Nelson catches fire from three land, the upset can happen. Still, not even I can project an 8, 13, 11, and 10 seeds as the regional. Even the A Man usually lets one or two train cars survive the epic accident. That, and at least one of the higher seeds will make it right? I mean, even in last year's Bracket Buster region, the two seed (Ohio State) made it to the second weekend before getting dumped.
Sweet Sixteen Contests:
13 Belmont over 8 Butler. Yes, I'm taking a 13 seed to the Elite Eight. For now anyways; I can absolutely see Butler winning this game. Everyone laughed at me last year for taking Butler to the Elite Eight, even at the expense of the Orange. Turns out I undersold them by a couple rounds. Wouldn't shock me if taking them "only" to the Sweet Sixteen undersells them by a couple rounds again. And believe me, when it comes to rounds, I don't undersell very often (rimshot!). (vice president biden voice) Chuck, Chuck stand up Chuck, let me see ya! Oh. God love ya, what am I talking about. I tell you what though, you're making an awful lot of people stand up though pal! Stand up for Chuck!
2 Florida over 11 Gonzaga. Another game I am zero percent confident in predicting. And with that out of the way, with the "Stand Up Chuck" joke in the previous pick, am I the only one fired up for the upcoming 2012 campaign? I mean, like the joke of a roster the Republicans are trotting out right now isn't frighteningly scary … I mean, funny enough, we're gonna get Joe Biden unleashed, unplugged, for eighteen straight months! If with just a week of prep last time, he managed to ask a quadrapalegic to stand up, imagine what he can do with prep time! I'm not sure of a whole lot of things, but of this I am sure: we all need more Joe Biden in our lives. (And a helluva lot less of his boss. Please Hillary, please. You're the only competent part of this administration. Please, for the love of your country, resign and run. Save us from Romney, save us from Gingrich, save us from Palin, please for the love of Christ above save us from Christie or Walker or Daniels! Please, please, please -- resign and run! I saw this coming three years ago. Hell, even Terri Schiavo could have told you what a f*cking joke Obama would be as President. Please, Hillary, you gotta resign and run before Barry destroys whatever last few of us are left in the political center that lean your direction. OK, that's it for the politics, back to the unfunny jokes and painfully wrong predictions).
Southeast Regional Final: 2 Florida over 13 Belmont. Seems like sleazy coaches are all the rage nowadays in college, why not have one of the sleaziest of the sleazy reach the Final Four for the third time in six years? (And the first time since he took the NBA cash grab, then decided "uuh, you know what, I want to come back, this NBA gig is too hard"). Florida 69, Belmont 55.
Southeast Regional Champion: The Florida Gators.
* Southwest Regional:
First Four Games:
11 VCU over 11 USC. Speaking of sleazy coaches, Kevin O'Neill everyone! He takes over an Arizona program that hasn't missed the tournament since I was in 1st grade (and yes, you read the bio at the top of this page correctly – I am 34, even if I look 16 … ok 17 … ok 32), and promptly finishes in seventh place in the Pac 10 and ends the tourney streak. He then somehow lands on his feet, is hired by USC ... and then gets into a drunken altercation with a former Arizona booster during last week's Pac 10 tourney. If you haven't seen the Deadspin story on this, the pics do it justice. Mr. O'Neill definitely was, in the words of J-Kwon, "gettin' tipsy!" VCU on the other hand, god bless it committee, thanks! You got one right! This is an entertaining as hell team that most wrote off because they lost four of their last seven. Uuh, tell me again why we screw quality mid-majors yet allow Georgetown in riding a four game losing streak, Villanova riding a five game losing streak (and nine of ten), and Illinois is in (more on them in a second) despite losing 12 of 16 to end the season? Love VCU in this spot.
Round of 64 Games:
1 Kansas over 16 Boston U. I actually tuned into some of Boston U's game Saturday against Stony Brook because I (correctly!) assumed KU might draw the winner. So let me say this about Boston U and KU's chances in this game. This ... is the Bill Mass Put the Helmet On Memorial Game of round one. And no, that is not a good thing for Jayhawk fans.
9 Illinois over 8 UNLV. What is this, former Illini coaches row? Lon Kruger gets first crack at his old school, and Bill Self would get a shot at them in round two. I can't believe I'm picking Bruce Weber to win a NCAA tournament game. But at some point, Demetri McCamey has to play to his potential, right? That, and UNLV is a solid team, but nothing to fear. The steady middle of the pack teams usually fold early in this tournament. On the bright side, any Illini fans reading this, how you like them apples? You go from Lou Hensen (decent coach, living legend) to Lon Kruger (rock solid coach) to Bill Self (more on Billy in a few paragraphs from now) ... to Bruce Weber, a man who I jokingly (yet accurately) note "couldn't outcoach a wet paper bag, let alone escape from one". On the bright side ... uuh ... hey, spring football's almost here. Who's ready to watch a Ron Zook coached team in action! Wow, Illini fans, I feel for you. It's probably time to march on the athletic department and take the keys away from whatever moron is posing as your AD.
4 Louisville over 13 Morehead State. This could be a highly entertaining first round game. It also could be a 95-60 blowout. I'd bet on the former rather than the latter, Morehead State is a pretty solid low-major. Plus, "Morehead State". Awesome. Where'd you go to school? Morehead! Imagine the pick-up and hopeful hook-up lines available to Morehead's undergraduate population! Damn, and here I thought telling potential prospects for an evening of fun that I was a "horny frog" was killer when I was in school. I'd have had nothing on Morehead student. (Again, trying to ensure this post is in the 43% non NC17 grouping. You can write your own Morehead jokes ... and they'll probably be way funnier than any I could type).
12 Richmond over 5 Vanderbilt. Poor Vandy, every year they draw the grousely under-seeded mid-major that makes their first opponent pay for it like Zues attacking a Beggin' Stirp. You’re right – I’m hitting the Dustyland well too often in this post. To be fair, Richmond is probably a 10, but the first four games probably pushed them down a line or two (VCU / USC winner has to play on Friday, and Richmond / Vandy is a Thursday game). Still, I like this Richmond team. They're gonna make some noies. I mean, noise.
3 Purdue over 14 St. Peter's. Don't know one damned thing about St. Peter's. Hopefully the real St. Peter ignores a sh*t ton of stuff about me someday. On the other hand, Purdue is one of two Big Ten (plus two) teams that don't make me want to vomit when I watch them play (along with Ohio State). So I'll pencil in the Boilermakers for a win. Which reminds me, and I forgot to mention this in the St. John's prediction -- how awesome is it to have the combover of Gene Keady back in our lives? Like last year with the Tom Penders horrendous fake tan and cheezy bleach blonde hair look, you forget some of the classics when they go away for a few years. Welcome back Coach Combover! You look as ridiculous as ever. And that's a great thing. We'll get to the other coach we need back in our lives in a few more paragraphs ...
11 VCU over 6 Georgetown. Even if Chris Wright plays, and all indications are he's gonna give it the old college try, do you really think a shooting guard coming off a broken wrist three weeks ago is going to make a positive difference in the outcome of a game? Didn't think so. VCU is sneaky good. They're one unlucky break (losing the CAA final) away from being in an 8/9 game. Plus, they're entertaining as hell to watch. I'll take the entertaining as hell team over the fading power six squad that hasn't won a game since before Libya was destabilized.
2 Notre Dame over 15 Akron. I know Akron is the Zips, and they're located in Ohio. (jose in south philly voice) Other than that, yo. I got nothing. Notre Dame is ridiculously overrated thanks to powering through a cream puff final four weeks (their Big East schedule was front-loaded). But they're not losing to the Zips. Whatever the hell a zip is.
7 Texas A&M over 10 Florida State. If Chris Singleton returns, and all indications are he's gonna give it the old college try, this will be a wildly entertaining opening game. I still like A&M whether he plays or not though, because (a) they're the better team, and (b) they're my Old Chick in "Gone With the Wind" screaming “Yankees in Georgia! How did they ever get here!!!” Memorial Team that somehow is still standing when the Elite Eight rolls around. (Like Baylor last year, Mizzou the year before, Davidson the year before that ...)
Round of 32 Games:
1 Kansas over 9 Illinois. Since nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing, indicates this game will even be remotely competitive, let me say, how incredible is Bill Self as a coach? Seven consecutive conference championships! Are you kidding me! And it's not like this is the pros, where you can keep the core of your team together for 7-10 years, making a run like that possible. KU lost three vital contributors last year -- Collins, Aldridge, and Henry -- and here they are again, still as a one seed, still as the conference champs. This guy is phenomenal. Can't sing his praises enough.
12 Richmond over 4 Louisville. Helluva job this year by Rick Pitino, who also took over a rebuild-on-the-fly team and has them back as a top four seed. But I really like this Spiders squad. Hopefully Rick can find a nice Italian restaurant with a willing waitress or two afterwards to deal with the defeat.
3 Purdue over 11 VCU. Could be a sneakily entertaining game. I'm telling you, VCU is entertaining as hell to watch play. Purdue ... well, they're not entertaining as hell. They're a Big Ten (plus two) team, none of them are anything even remotely approaching entertaining save for Ohio State. But Purdue is a solid team that should survive the first weekend.
7 Texas A&M over 2 Notre Dame. Here's the thing with Notre Dame, and Luke Winn pointed it out at si.com -- the key to everything they do is being allowed to move the ball around as they get into their offensive set. If you press them, if you play man defense, you can completely disrupt them and take them out of their rhythm. I'd argue that nobody plays better pressure man defense in the Big XII than Texas A&M, and they're amongst the best in the nation at it. This is set up perfectly for A&M. Mark Turgeon has sprung the huge upsets before -- he took Wichita State (a 7 seed) to the Sweet Sixteen a couple years ago. I say A&M does it.
Sweet Sixteen Contests:
1 Kansas over 12 Richmond. This potential game scares the hell out of me. Richmond is the exact type of team that knocks KU out every year -- a guard-fueled, upper-classman led team that isn't necessarily a power school, but definitely has deep tourney experience. It's been this way going back what, twenty years to UTEP and UCLA back in the early 90s? Look at who KU has lost to in the tourney recently, and you'll see why Richmond scares me -- 2010 Northern Iowa (that Farouk kid nailing every three he threw up), 2009 Michigan State (Kalin Lucas en fuego), 2007 UCLA (had no answer for Afflalo), 2006 Bradley (the one exception -- a senior led squad, but front-line dominated team), 2005 Bucknell, 2004 Georgia Tech (f*cking Jarrett Jack, rot in hell pal, rot in hell), 2003 Syracuse (has Gerry McNamara missed yet?), 2002 Maryland (Juan Effing Dixon), on and on and on. Even the title run in 2008, the two games KU really struggled in were Davidson (Stephen Curry) and Memphis (Derrick Rose and that shooting guard whose name escaped me, I think it was Washington). Let's hope KU survives and advances, no matter who they face in this spot.
7 Texas A&M over 3 Purdue. Holy God, if you thought the Penn State / Wisconsin thrilla on Friday night was a defensive slugfest, what is this one gonna be? First team to 25 wins?
West Regional Final: 1 Kansas over 7 Texas A&M. Continuing the "KU craps out against guard led veteran squads", the last team to win in Lawrence before UT did it a couple months ago? Yup, Acie Law's A&M team in 2007 that grabbed a three seed and fell one point short of reaching the Elite Eight. This is A&M's best team since that one, the last one Billy Gillispie led. (Speaking of "glad to see you're back" coaches, let's hope Billy lands at Texas Tech. Every conference needs one loveable lush walking the sidelines. We had three classics in this conference the last decade -- Larry Eustachy, Bob "Huggy Bear" Huggins, and Gillispie. And Quin’s a debatable inclusion, if you replace coke with booze (allegedly). We need Billy back in this conference. The Coach Switzer to Bill Self's Dr. Tom ... and Frank Martin's Terry Allen). Anyways, this would be an intriguing matchup. A&M played well in Lawrence two weeks ago. They'll have the crowd behind them (game would be in San Antonio). And as great as Coach Self has been, he's been, uuh, "shaky" at best in the Elite Eight in his career. (He's 1-2 at KU in that round, and was 0 for 2 prior to arriving at Kansas, losing in 2000 with Tulsa and 2001 with Illinois). Still, come on, I'm a homer. I can put Bob Davis to shame at times, I'm so big of a homer. I'm not picking KU to crap out this close to the Final Four. KU 74, A&M 73.
Southwest Regional Champion: The Kansas Jayhawks.
* The Final Four:
1 Duke over 1 Ohio State. At some point, a team with a quality collection of big men is going to decide "screw it", and start using their 20-25 fouls between them to batter Jared Sullinger into submission. And that team is Duke. Between the Plumlee brothers, Ryan Kelly, and assorted flotsam and jetsome riding the back of the bench, Duke has the depth to shut down Ohio State's inside game. And once that happens, look it, Jon Diebler is an incredible shooter, but do you really see him going 10 for 13 from three land defended by Kyle Singler? Look at what Singler did to Harrison Barnes yesterday, it was a freaking clinic in how to defend someone. Barnes was so rattled that by the time he started to use screens and blocks to shake Singler's man coverage, UNC was down 15 and the clock was fading fast. I love this matchup for Duke. Love it. Love it like a Dookie loves to (lil' wayne voice) lick it like a lollipop. OK, yeah, that one probably went a teeeeeeeeny bit too far. That NC17 rating is back on the table folks! Could be a photo finish. Devils 81, Buckeyes 76.
1 Kansas over 2 Florida. Total mismatch. Total mismatch. As our buddy Pickell would say, let me put it this way -- if Texas can't guard the Morris twins, and UT pretty much has the best collection of talent at the forward position in the country, especially defensively, if they looked like a Quin Snyder coached D-League team against the Morris twins, how the hell are the Gators stopping them? I honestly think, in many regards ... nah, I don't want to go there, because it's a horrifying thought. But -- KU's season turned in a positive way when they had to experience life without Thomas Robinson, both due to tragedy and then injury. It forced the action inside. Rather than relying on Selby jumpers and Robinson drives, it put the rock where it needed to be -- in the hands of the two kids on the team that can flat out win you the game. When Thomas Robinson is a luxury, you know you're good. This Kansas team is good. Scary good. National championship game appearance good. KU 87, Florida 76.
* The National Championship:
Kansas! Duke! I don't know much, but I do know this: there's a strong chance that if DJ and I watch this one together, one of us is going home via an ambulance. And I'm betting it will be me. (Kinda like how if I ever run into "deadbeat ex roommate", one of us is leaving the scene in a body bag. Again, I'd bet the family farm on me being in said bag, under the "nope, Steve's pic ain't next to the phrase physically fit" theory, but you can bet your sweet ass I'd get in a solid shot or three at him first).
This is my dream final matchup. Not because it favors KU -- it doesn't. See the Ohio State / Duke preview a couple paragraphs above for why it really doesn't. But because this would be a game for the ages.
The Morris twins against the Plumlee brothers. (First one to hit three straight free throws gets a complimentary lollipop! No wait, that rigs it towards the Dookies. OK, first one to hit the rim on three straight free throws ... damn! A simple rimshot, still probably favors the Dookies. OK, ok, I got it -- first one to draw iron on at least three straight foul shots, gets to stop having me scream "hit a f*cking free throw you mother f*cking f*ckstick!" at them. Seems like a safe bet to make -- none of the four of them can do it). Strength on strength inside. Duke probably has a slight edge with Ryan Kelly coming off the bench -- seriously, watching that kid this weekend, I was having frightening flashbacks to (dookie student section voice) ZOOOOOOOOOOO-bek last year, how he came out of nowhere to be a key contributor in the biggest moments.
A potential matchup of "which freshman sensation ruined his draft stock the most" of Kyrie Irving who -- call me stupid, call me crazy, but please, don't call me surely -- I think will play some in March, against Josh Selby, who's all but vanished from the box scores lately.
Nolan Smith against the four-headed monster of Brady Morningstar, Tyrel Reed, Elijah Johnson, and Tyshawn Taylor. One of the four will show up. Three of them won't. The scary ... excuse me, fun part is trying to figure out who's on that night as quickly as f*cking possible and plopping the other three as far away from the scorer's table as possible.
But the matchup of champions: Kyle Singler against Thomas Robinson. A complete contrast in styles offensively. But both are tougher than a two dollar steak at the Sizzler on defense. (Good God, that's ... that's Good Ol' JR's music! Yup, we're three weeks away from Wrestlemania Twenty Something! That is definitely a good thing. Especially if Good Ol' JR takes the mic for at least one match).
And coaching wise, yikes. I mean, this might be the single best coached title game in NCAA history, on paper. Well it's this, or that epic Mike Davis / Gary Williams showdown nine years ago. Hang on, let me channel my inner Dick Vitale here to do this justice. (dick vitale voice) Oh baby, what an incredible treat for the fans, Digger! You have the great one, Coach K, going for number nine zero four, the record, to topple the greatest, the General, Mr. Robert Montgomery Knight! And you have the up and comer, the guy most likely to challenge that number years from now, the awesome with a capital A, Bill Self! And Jay, these kids on the Devils, (vitale's head imploding from all the verbal fellating of dookie players starting ... now. Hopefully someone from the "First Family of Broadcasting" can replace him. Or at least be slightly less biased than Dick is).
(Which reminds me, and I specifically saved this rant for a Dookie section ... I thoroughly enjoyed watching the ACC Toonumunt this weekend. As much as I cannot stomach the biased commentary of Dick Vitale, it works for the ACC Toonumunt for me. Like sliding on the Birkenstocks for the first time in the summer -- it's an old friend you know and love being welcomed back into your life. Having said that ... every god d*mned time the camera spanned to the UNC bench yesterday (careful, don't jump to conclusions ...) and it picked up Ol' Roy standing next to the scorers table (again, don’t overthink, this ain't an anti-Roy thought ...) my love of that game, of that toonumunt, decreased by about 5%. Why? Because occupying the last spot on the front of media row, right next to the Tar Heels bench, was Billy "Fudge" Packer. I mean, even in retirement he's roo-eening the sport! Every damned time they showed Roy, or even showed the long lens view of the court, there he was, sitting there looking miserable. At least I think he looked miserable. He was certainly making me miserable. I easily, easily, consumed at least four more beers than I planned to yesterday because that thing was on my television screen. Come on ACC, do the right thing and boot Packer's ass to the parking lot. You can even let a Dookie SID do it, he might enjoy kicking a mean angry tight ass named Packer in the, uuh, ass. Or at least make him scalp a ticket to get in the door. He roo-eened the sport for thirty freaking years. Absolutely roo-eened it. It's time for someone to put a stop to it. OK, back to the prediction).
I anticipate it would be a fun game, a competitive contest, probably comes down to the last couple possessions and which of the free-throw challenged brothers from the same mother decides to win my bet from a few paragraphs ago.
So that at the end of the evening, when the final shot has gone up, when the final hand has been shaken, when the trophy has been presented, the most awesome, incredible, tear-inducing tradition in sports that doesn't involve Jim Nabors, Carol Brady, the Purdue Marching band and a sh*t ton of balloons will bring the night to a close, as "One Shining Moment" pays final tribute to the 2011 NCAA Men's champions.
And Coach and T-Rob are having a good hug and a good cry while clutching the whatever the hell you call it championship trophy, well, this time, I promise not to cry. I promise to not lose control.
KU 83, Duke 78. As the lovely (boy this is gonna take some getting used to) the lovely Mrs. Jones noted Saturday about the Rock Chalk comfort chant – “it’s a relief, a huge exhale”. Yup. We won’t need an epic comeback this time, no miraculous Mario Chalmers shots, and I promise I will not hit the floor, curl up in the fetal position, and sob uncontrollably for four minutes when regulation ends. Nope, just a hard-fought, outstanding game that comes down to the miraculous happening -- clutch meaningful Morris twin foul shooting, and ends with me simply standing and applauding the effort, and possibly giving a fist pump or three in appreciation.
(Oh who am I kidding -- of course I'm going to hit the floor, curl up in the fetal position, and cry me a river for a while. Rock Chalk Championship!!!)
Also as always, if these prognostications are not THE longest NCAA tournament predictions you will read this year, you can feel free to help yourself to a beer in my cooler at the next summer tailgate. (Because there ain’t a shot in hell I’m tailgating again until it’s “t-shirt optional” weather).
If you're using my picks to fill out your bracket, please, ignore Billy Dee -- put down the paper bag with your Colt 45 in it, let the blunt burn out, and smack yourself around a few times to wake up. I am horrible at predicting this tournament! That's why I post these things every year, as an easy guide to gamble on these games with! All you have to do is say "wait, who did Steve pick?", look it up, and bam!, you know who not to take most of the time.
Actually, I am worse than horrible at picking the tourney. I'm the dude back in 1992 who predicted the 2 seed in the West, the Arizona "Super" Wildcats, to win the national championship. They lost in round one to Steve Nash's Santa Clara team, despite going on a 25-0 run at one point. Yes, a team I picked goes on a 25-0 run, and loses. And to think I actually wonder why I haven't been able to retire at age 34 from my gambling profits.
Having said that ... I have won the gambling pool twice (1995, 2002), and I finished runner up last year. I also somehow, incredibly, was the only person in our ESPN pool (out of 60 something entries) last year to pick Duke to win it all. Not even our resident Dookie apologist – and brace yourself champ, there’s some good Dookie humor coming your way over the next fifteen freaking pages – not even Dusty picked his school to win it all. So maybe I'm getting better at this after twenty some odd years of trying.
(Nah. That can't be it).
As always, this is what my main bracket in our ESPN competition (and any other competition I enter) will be. Also as always, this thing might top 20 pages by the time I'm done rambling on each game's prediction and getting in a few cheap shots and Shecky Greene-type funny jokes … (aka they’re not even remotely funny) … so you might want to print it off and take it to the second office if you're reading at work just to be safe. Sadly, I don't have a Boss Button like Gregg Easterbrook does, so you're on your own in terms of figuring out which printer to use.
Let's start in the East, since the CBS selection show did.
(As the first side rant, how awesome is it going to be to have Charles Barkley giving us game recaps, highlights, predictions, and analysis the next two weeks! As one of only four NBA die-hards in the greater Kansas City metropolitan area, I know a lot of you have never seen Chuckles and Kenny Smith on "Inside the NBA". Trust me, he's fantastic. Already he's called Billy Packer a "jackass" (there’s more on Bill still to come in fourteen some odd pages), and admitted yesterday that "if I ain't heard of your school, I probably ain't watching you play", when describing how he would analyze, predict, and recap said games over the next two weeks. Also, Barkley has a well-known gambling addiction (hey, like me!), and I guarantee you he's wagering on these games. If he loses a huge mark, this might be the biggest train wreck on a pregame show since Rush Limbaugh said the media was propping up Donovan McNabb because he was black. (A charge that was proven 150% correct, by the way). As someone far more famous and accomplished than me once noted: I don't know how the hell this is going to end, but either way, it's going to be something really special).
* East Regional Predictions:
First Four Games:
16 UTSA over 16 Alabama State. I have not watched one second of action involving either team this season, and I'm guessing that is not going to change over the next few days.
12 UAB over 12 Clemson. Good for the committee for taking a mid-major regular season champion over an endless supply of mediocre ACC schools. Unfortunately, the committee took the wrong mid-major regular season champion, it should have been Missouri State. Oh well. Clemson is 0-6 against the top 50 this year ... and got in as an at-large! Are you f*cking kidding me?!?! 0-6! And they're an at large! At least UAB has a couple solid victories this year, and they'll add a tourney win here.
Round of 64 Games:
1 Ohio State over 16 UTSA. I'm guessing this won't spend more than a couple seconds on any television I am watching. Should be an absolute ass kicking.
9 Villanova over 8 George Mason. There is no logical reason for this prediction. Villanova enters having lost five straight, nine out of ten, and eleven out of fifteen, and George Mason is probably the best mid-major team in the nation. I just refuse to believe Jay Wright can't milk one last gasp victory out of the sliding Wildcats. He's too good of a coach to go out like this. Plus, Gus Johnson has the call on this one. Something wacky is gonna go down.
4 Kentucky over 13 Princeton. Was very impressed of what I saw of Kentucky yesterday. They dominated a pretty solid Florida team that I have going pretty far. Wouldn't shock me at all if two weeks from now, John Calipari is hanging yet another Final Four banner that will be taken down within three years due to major NCAA violations -- he is a perfect 2 for 2 in that regard (the 2008 Tigers that broke every rule in the book, and then some, and the 1996 Minutemen, whose primary violation involved assistant coaches and assorted UMass boosters paying self-employed models to service Marcus Camby. That one has always fascinated me. First of all, that UMass had / has boosters. Incredible. But even more incredible, Mr. Camby has to be the first even semi-decent looking dude in college that had to pay for sex. Unless you count picking up the bar tab, and I sure as hell didn't. I mean, dude! You're 20! You're the most well known athlete in a five state area! And you have to pay to have fun after a game, or on a Tuesday night in mid December?!?! There's plenty of questions that raises, but since my goal is to keep at least 43% of my posts rated R or cleaner, let's just move on now. I mean, we haven't hit any Dookie predictions yet, and those are always good for a Shecky Greene-like punch line or five).
5 West Virginia over 12 UAB. Setting up a rematch of last year's East Regional final. Also an interesting contrast between arguably the luckiest Final Four coach ever (Mike Davis), and arguably the most cursed coach in hoops today (Huggy Bear). Huggy's had so many talented teams, yet has only reached two Final Fours, and zero national title games. Meanwhile Mike Davis back-stabs his way into replacing Bob Knight, lucks into one of the biggest train-wreck regionals of the decade (as a 5, he beat a 10 to reach Atlanta), and then somehow beats the guy who would replace him when he was fired three years later in the Final Four (Kelvin Sampson) before getting embarrassed by Maryland. OK, I pretty much had nothing for this matchup, so let's keep on rolling.
3 Syracuse over 14 Indiana State. I would argue this is Coach Boeheim's deepest, most prepared for March team since 2005. Having said that, those are the teams that usually crap out early -- that 2005 team didn't survive the first round, losing in overtime to Vermont. (And as a side note, KU lost to Bucknell not even 80 minutes after the Cuse lost in overtime. Both defeats were on St. Patrick's Day. The only even semi-remotely, possibly, "ok after six years the pain might have dulled enough to at least evoke a smirk" moment from that night that I don't want to permanently erase from my memory is the text from Dusty after KU lost: "nice win ku! i'm guessing you'll be a no show now" at Tanner's downtown for some late-night drinking on that blessed national holiday. Uuh, yeah. Let's just say I was in no state to drive. From the moment Taylor Coppenrath's three's started mounting for Vermont until Wayne Simien's final Patrick Ewing vs the Pacers-esque layup missed, I am pretty sure I consumed every drop of alcohol in the house and made two refill trips to Matchette Liquors. Let's hope this St. Paddy's Day goes a little bit better than the 2005 one did).
6 Xavier over 11 Marquette. Total coin flip. Xavier's made three straight Sweet Sixteen appearances, and is an overtime loss to Ohio State away from that being six straight, including an Elite Eight appearance in 2004. Marquette probably shouldn't have gotten in, to be honest ... but they're not the "lucky as hell to get in" team that I'm riding to the Sweet Sixteen.
2 North Carolina over 15 LIU. Please, CBS / TNT / TBS / whatever the hell TruTV is, please -- set this one for a 10:45pm ET tipoff. I need something boring and utterly unwatchable to fall asleep to. Thanks in advance, programming dudes. And that reminds me, I still need to confirm I have TruTV. Don't want this to be a NFL Network type situation, there's still a few days to change my (mean gene okerlund voice) cable and/or satellite provider.
7 Washington over 10 Georgia. Georgia is the worst at-large team in the field. Their loss to Alabama on Friday was one of the all time epic meltdown defeats. Washington is my sleeper in this region. They're good enough to reach Newark, if not Houston.
Round of 32 Games:
1 Ohio State over 9 Villanova. If it's George Mason instead of Villanova, it'll be a more competitive contest, but either way, Ohio State wins comfortably and cruises to the swamps of North Jersey.
5 West Virginia over 4 Kentucky. The Wayne Allyn Root Memorial Game of the Round of 32.
3 Syracuse over 6 Xavier. This will be a surprisingly uncompetitive contest. Having said that, I just have this sneaking, lingering fear that Rick Jackson is going down in this one. Just a really bad feeling that something is gonna happen in this game that screws the Cuse in the next round, like Onauku's injury last year (no way Butler beats Syracuse if Okinze was clogging the middle. Hell, they still almost beat Butler without him). Let's hope that like many gambling intuitions I have, this one is 100% wrong.
7 Washington over 2 North Carolina. Now this one, programming dudes, please -- put it in prime time, put it on CBS, and for the love of God, assign Gus Johnson's crew or Verne Lundquist and Bill Raftery to this one to ensure it'll wind up as the Instant Classic it appears to be on paper. This might be the best game of the tournament by the time it's all said and done. Plus, you know every Dookie in the house is going to cheer for Washington. (And while I'm not a Dookie -- I'm straight thank you very much -- in the words of the late, great Senator Edward M. Kennedy, "you can bet your ass" I'll be rooting against the Rat Bastard and his Heels. It's the single biggest thing I hate about Ol' Roy. It isn't the "I don't give a sh*t" comment, it isn't the fact that he's got two titles since he left KU (since we finally got one a few years ago), it isn't even the fact that in typical "jump on the bandwagon" fashion, he affixed that KU sticker to his Carolina shirt a few years ago after we beat him and his squad like a government mule two nights before. No, the biggest p*sser about Ol' Roy is this -- his arrival means I have to cheer for Duke at least twice a year, and this year, three times. Screw you Roy, for that. Screw you. I could justify it when my boy Scheyer was there. Now? I just feel dirty. I just feel cheap. I feel like a Dookie lacrosse player in a room full of willing strippers … excuse me, self-employed models – out of my element, completely unsure of what to do, and desperate to find a way out of the situation. What, too soon?)
Sweet Sixteen Contests:
1 Ohio State over 5 West Virginia. Another one of those "I could be talked into this" games that you should run the hell away from. West Virginia is good. Ohio State is phenomenally good.
7 Washington over 3 Syracuse. I have absolutely no idea how to predict this game. When in doubt, and when two squads are as evenly matched as these two are, and you have to pick the contest because the rules require you to predict every game, go with the team that has the best player on the floor. In this case, it's Isaiah Thomas. As much as I love Scoop ... he's gonna get torched in this one. Especially if my scary feeling about Rick Jackson comes to fruition.
The East Regional Final:
1 Ohio State over 7 Washington. Washington could win this game ... but I can already envision how this one is going to play out -- a fired up, sold out Prudential Center, 90% filled with Ohio State fans, raise the energy level, as Jon Diebler comes out, hits a couple early three's, and Washington is calling timeout three minutes in already down 10, not having a clue what's going on. Think KU / Stanford in 2002, still the funnest college game I've ever been to. Ohio State 78, Washington 65.
East Regional Champion: The Ohio State Buckeyes. They are the best team entering this tournament, and thanks to Washington knocking out two of the only three legit threats to them in the region, I have them reaching Houston relatively easily. But the best team rarely cuts down the nets come Championship Monday ...
* West Regional Predictions:
First Four Games: there are no First Four games in this regional.
Round of 64 Games:
1 Duke over 16 Hampton. Hampton has shocked the world before, by knocking out two seed Iowa State back in 2001. Somehow, I don't think this Hampton team is going to repeat a feat like that ten years later. Over / under on number of outrageous statements made by ESPN analysts after this one that any reasonable person would conclude was tantamount to verbal fellating, equally split between Nolan Smith, Kyle Singler, and pick a Plumlee: 1,038,438,442. I like the over.
9 Tennessee over 8 Michigan. Actually I apologize to Georgia -- Michigan is the worst team in this bracket, it's not even close at this point, and yet they're an eight seed. Are you flipping kidding me? This is an 8 seed?!?! A team that hasn't topped 90 all season, has topped 80 once, hasn't topped 75 since conference play began, and was a (typical and utterly predictable) Bruce Weber coaching meltdown away from probably not making the tourney at all! And they're an 8?!?! Bruce Pearl has to be laughing his ass off at this. Tennessee wins comfortably. As comfortably as, say, hosting a couple underage recruits at a barbeque, then lying to NCAA investigators about it. I mean, (dick vitale voice) are you serious? Are you serious? Dez Bryant basically has his collegiate career ended because he lied about having a meeting with a potential agent (Deion Sanders of all people. On second thought, if you're going to trust a dude who once literally drove his car off a bridge to test whether God would protect him, if that's the guy you're trusting with your decision making, it's probably best for all involved to shut the thing down). Anyways, Bruce Pearl commits a more outrageous lie ... and the school wasn't even gonna punish him! The conference stepped in and whacked him for eight games, but still. I love Bruce Pearl, but he should be fired and have at least a two year show-cause penalty slapped on him. Anything less than that, and I trust Dez Bryant has now hired competent legal representation that is ready to slap the NCAA with a lawsuit seeking financial damages for the blatant hypocrisy of the two rulings.
4 Texas over 13 Oakland. If any of the top four seeded teams are going out in round one, doesn't this smell like the team to crap out early? Oakland won at Tennessee, they rolled through their conference, and they've got a tremendous player in Keith Benson capable of taking over a game. And they're facing Rick Barnes, who as I always point out, is the only coach in America to have Kevin Durant, DJ Augustin and Damion James on his roster, and fail to win a regular season conference title, a postseason conference title, or survive the first weekend. Just one of three Rick. I’m pretty sure even I could manage that if I was spotted 22 freaking points, like you were in OKC in the Big XII toonumunt in 2007. If I do a second bracket, I might pick the upset, but for the official Steve Tourney Picks, I stick with Texas. For now. Subject to revision between now and Thursday.
5 Arizona over 12 Memphis. How does anyone think this will be even remotely competitive? This is not your father's Memphis team, so to speak. Hell, it's not even last decade's Memphis team, the one that reached the Elite Eight three straight times, the Sweet Sixteen five straight times, and threw in a National Championship game appearance to boot. (Oh yeah, thanks again guys, for not giving two sh*ts about learning how to shoot a free throw down the stretch. I know, I know -- we'd still have won the championship anyways, since y'all blatantly cheated to get there, but still, it's always nice to win the title on the court, rather than via the court system). Arizona is good. Memphis is awfully mediocre at best. This won't be all that competitive.
3 UConn over 14 Bucknell. Congrats to UConn, for doing what I honestly thought was impossible -- winning five games in five days to take the Big East championship. Having said that, UConn is at least three seeds too high, and Bucknell can absolutely win this game. Kemba Walker can't save their ass every night, can he? Another one that I might pick the upset in a second bracket ... or revisit the original pick by Thursday morning ...
11 Missouri over 6 Cincinnati. Speaking of horrendously over-seeded Big East competition, your Cincinnati Bearcats everyone! And Mizzou, dear God, who's leg did they try to hump to wind up as an 11 seed? Yikes. Michigan is an 8, Mizzou is an 11. Yeah, sure Tourney Committee. Sure. If you believe that's legitimate, fair, and an accurate assessment of the season that was, I've got some ocean front property in Arizona for you to peruse. From the front porch you can see the sea. Yup, ocean front property in Arizona. And if you'll buy that, I'll throw the Golden Gate in free. (its ok, you can sing along for the big finale) If you buy that … I’ll throw the Golden … Gate … in … free. Mr. George Strait everyone! (roaring round of applause!)
2 San Diego State over 15 Northern Colorado. State is good. They're really good. Don't know anything about Northern Colorado, but State is damned good. Since I got nothing else to add, can someone at CBS please, please, since this is a San Diego team, do a “Three’s Company” theme for this game? I know all the greats from that sitcom have sadly departed us – the great John Ritter, the legendary Don Knotts, the incomparable Norman Fell. This world is a much more depressing face without their tomfoolery and hijinks. So come on, throw a dog a bone. Steve Fisher does look frighteningly like Ralph Ferley as the series drug along, after all. And Richard Kline deserves some work thrown his way. (Yes, my love of late 70s / early 80s sitcoms frightens the p*ss out of me. Thanks mom and dad, for plopping me in front of the TV in my formulative years! And sadly, I really do mean that in a positive, rewarding, “no really, that is a sincere thank you” kind of way …)
7 Temple over 10 Penn State. Penn State impressed me, that quarter-final abortion against Wisconsin notwithstanding. You can probably count on one finger the number of teams in the shot-clock era that have scored 36 … and won comfortably. They demolished Michigan State on Saturday, and hung with Ohio State for most of the title game. Also knocked off a few decent teams earlier in the season. Having said that, they're not beating Temple. God don’t like ugly, and ugly doesn’t even begin to describe that abortion against Wisconsin.
Round of 32 Games:
1 Duke over 9 Tennessee. If UNC / Washington is the game I'm most looking forward to in round two, this one is a damned close second. This is gonna be fun. First team to 105 wins! Maybe! OK, ok, 110! Do I hear 115! Duke survives, although if CBS shows the latest Plumlee coming to Duke next year as much as ESPN did this weekend, I'm not sure my television set is going to survive the barrage of Coors Light bottles headed it's way. I mean, for Christ's sake, whatever the hell this Plumlee is, and in annoying fashion, their first names all begin with a M, probably for "mother f*cking morons" which is what their parents are for lacking any creativity or sense when it comes to naming their kids, for Dick Vitale to call them the "First Family of College Basketball", like he (at least in his mind) credibly did yesterday, is just unfathomable. What does that make the Hansborough's? Or the Curry's? Or the Newton's ... wait, Cecil Newton is football, never mind. But that's just incredible. If ESPN's coverage was any more slanted towards Duke, my TV would be rolling downhill from lack of being level or even. It might be time to take the keys away from Uncle Dick, just like ESPN had to from Cousin Mike Patrick a few years ago. (christopher cross voice) I know it’s crazy … but it’s true.
5 Arizona over 4 Texas. If Texas couldn't handle the Morris twins, how the hell are they gonna handle Derrick Williams? Plus, I mean, the coaching matchup here, if you can call this a "matchup", holy God what a mismatch. The "I can find a way to lose to anyone, anywhere, anytime" Rick Barnes against Sean Miller, who has taken the nuclear holocaust that was Arizona basketball after Kevin O'Neill was done with it, and somehow has it winning the Pac 10 not even two years later. This, after maintaining Xavier's excellence after replacing Thad Motta there. If this is close, and I stupidly somehow expect it to be, always bet on the good coach, not the one who invokes memories of Dale Brown and Quin Snyder. (Who, ironically, coaches in Austin in the D-League. The NBA! And it’s D-League! It's Fan Friggin Tastic! And don’t you dare mock our D-League, it’s the only even semi-pro hoops you’ll be seeing until 2014 when this current season is over!)
11 Missouri over 3 UConn. One team is at least three seeds too low, the other is at least three seeds too high. I love Mizzou's draw, by the way. I absolutely love Mizzou's draw. And I say that as the only person in America that took Mizzou to the Elite Eight back in 2002 (as a 12 seed) for the exact same reason.
2 San Diego State over 7 Temple. Every time I've watched Temple this year, which has been about six or seven times, they've completely underwhelmed me. Richmond beat them pretty solidly this weekend. Duke pounded them. Georgetown owned them. Xavier swept them. State advances.
Sweet Sixteen Contests:
1 Duke over 5 Arizona. Arizona can win this game. They won't, but they can. Kind of like me making Dookie jokes – I could keep from writing them. I won't, but I can. (As a side note, I can already feel the rage building up in our resident Dookie apologist. I’m guessing my throw away joke in about eight pages to open the national title game preview has at least a 50/50 shot of coming true right now. Let’s just move on before I arrive on the “under no circumstance do you EVER let him take advantage of the open bar! You hear me! Never! I will beat your ass and drown you in the river if you let him get even a drop of booze at my expense!” list at the reception in a few weeks).
11 Missouri over 2 San Diego State. Look it, I like Steve Fisher. Hell, I absolutely adore the Fab Five. Those Michigan teams were the single best thing that ever happened to college hoops, and arguably the best thing to happen to basketball period since the ABA revolutionized the game. But if there's one flaw he possesses, it's that he blinks when getting stared down. I envision a MU / Memphis from 2009 type game here, where Mizzou's pressing defense keeps forcing turnovers, the Tigers get in front 10-12 points entering the stretch run, and one of the Pressey kids hits a huge three late to seal the victory.
The West Regional Final:
1 Duke over 11 Missouri. Only two teams seeded lower than eight have ever reached a Final Four (One is George Mason in 2006, an 11 seed. The other one, amazingly enough, is also an 11 seed. Even more shockingly – it was a team coached by Dale Brown! Your 1987 LSU Tigers. Yes, Dale Brown has coached in a Final Four! My jaw nearly hit the floor when I realized that. Arguably ... scratch that, unquestionably the worst D1 coach of all time, and even he's reached a Final Four! Yet Mizzou never has. Champions: Never Give Up … Unless You’re Mizzou and You Have No Shot at Winning the Trophy. You’re damned right that “motivational poster” hangs on my cubicle wall). If this is Mike Anderson's final game at MU, it isn't going to end well. Duke 79, Mizzou 72.
West Regional Champion: The Duke Blue Devils. Thank God I'm not responsible for cleaning up the locker room and the showers after the post-game celebration.
* Southeast Regional Predictions:
(Note: every year, at least one bracket ends up a complete and total train-wreck. The Bracket Buster region, so to speak. Last year it was the Midwest, when Georgetown (3 seed) was done on night one, KU (1 seed) didn't see week two, and your regional final was Michigan State (5) vs Tennessee (6), the first time in NCAA history a 5 and 6 seed battled to advance to a Final Four. I say that, because this year's Bracket Buster region, is the Southeast Regional. Or so says Stevo).
First Four Games:
16 Arkansas-Little Rock over 16 UNC Asheville. That UALR Sun Belt title game was awesome to watch, or at least the last couple minutes were. (Yes, I was watching the Sun Belt. In my defense, I was waiting for the game on after it, but still. That, and Zeus was laying on top of the remote, and once that dog gets comfy on the couch, he ain’t moving … unless you get up and open the bag of Beggin’ Strips. I’m lazy. Sun Belt stays on the TV). Since they're the team I've seen play, even if it was about three minutes of action, I'll pick them to be Pitt's (possible) sacrificial lamb on Thursday.
Round of 64 Games:
1 Pitt over 16 Arkansas-Little Rock. Although if ever a one seed was set up to lose to a 16, Pitt is that team. This is the most overrated team in America. They enter this tourney having lost three of five, have no go-to guy (a fatal flaw come March), and shaky tourney coaching. Still, I can't pick them to lose this early.
8 Butler over 9 Old Dominion. Tremendous first round matchup between the two mid-majors that could. In all sincerity, a question for the ages -- if Gordon Hayward's shot goes in last year and Butler beats Duke, does that go down as the greatest college game ever? SI.com argues "yes". I argue "no" -- it would be a tremendous game, one the basketball loving world would never forget, but "greatest college game ever"? I'd argue the Syracuse / UConn six overtime classic was "greater". Ditto the UNC / Michigan title game in 1992. And the greatest upset in college history, the Villanova / Georgetown title game in 1985. To say nothing of the one I’d vote for, Duke / Kentucky in the 1992 East Regional final (the Laettner shot in overtime). But Duke / Butler would absolutely be in the conversation had that shot gone in.
13 Belmont over 4 Wisconsin. Ugh. Is there a more unwatchable team in America than Wisconsin? Not even the New Jersey Nets are this unwatchable. I mean, I'd rather watch a church league whose teams are filled with 30 something out of shape dudes than watch Wisconsin "play basketball". I'd rather watch Gregg "coach" an intramural game back in the day, than watch anything affiliated with Wisconsin men's basketball. That game against Penn State set the sport back at least a decade. Belmont is going to win this game, and it's not going to be remotely competitive.
5 Kansas State over 12 Utah State. Tremendous first round game. Cat backers should be scared sh*tless by this matchup. Utah State is a damned solid team, well coached, that every year scares someone (starting back in 2003, the "forgotten" choke job KU game from the 2000s, when Utah State missed a buzzer beater that would have beaten the Jayhawks). But here's the thing -- they scare the big boys, but they never beat them. I expect the same thing here.
3 BYU over 14 Wofford. Maybe. I think Jimmer gives them a 48 point outing that somehow sees them surviving the upset scare. Maybe.
11 Gonzaga over 6 St. John's. Good God, how is St. John's a six? I mean, did the committee get ahold of some really good weed while seeding this thing? And if so, can I have a hit of it? It's been a while since I lit up and I gotta admit, I'm kind of jonesing for it right now. Gonzaga is seeded about right, honestly, but they've got a great draw. So many of their highly-seeded teams have flamed out, that is the reverse about to happen, a lower-seeded underachieving Zags team breaks through in March?
2 Florida over 15 UC Santa Barbara. Florida is a two?!?! Really?!?! Wow. I mean, I need whatever the committee was smoking. Not want, not desire, I need it. If only because then I can blame my usual insanity on something other than the fact that I'm, possibly, probably ... ok definitely, the clinical definition of insane.
10 UCLA over 7 Michigan State. State is a seven?!?! Hang on, let me spit out my Diet Coke here. No seriously. A team with 14 freaking losses is a seven?!?! A team that until Saturday was in the "last four in" grouping is a seven?!?! UCLA is grousely underseeded. It's criminitely bad. It's zues in nature. Let's move on, before I hit the not just banned from the booze, but I “gotta charm D’s mom to just get in the door” list at the reception.
Round of 32 Games:
8 Butler over 1 Pittsburgh. Screeeeeeeeech! That's the first car of the train careening off the tracks. Epically careening, like when my nephew decides to take Thomas the Train off the second bridge level in the train set he has. Doesn't end well for Thomas and friends. This game won't end well for Pitt. And we're just getting started in this region.
13 Belmont over 5 Kansas State. (jay bilas voice) This is a really, really good Belmont team. Since everything is either really, really good, or really, really awful in Jay Bilas' really, really entertaining world. ESPN Insider's ratings say Belmont, statistically, is the 17th best team in the country. KSU is super streaky, as we all know. They're capable of blowing out KU, they're capable of routing Texas in Austin ... and they're capable of losing not once, not twice, but three times in ten weeks to Colorado. Screeeeeeeeech! There goes Percy flying into the river at a very unsafe rate of speed! Poor Percy. He’s my favorite of Thomas’ friends. (And yes, for not having any kids (that I have been sued for support over), I know a frightening amount of Thomas the Train knowledge).
11 Gonzaga over 3 BYU. Screeeeeech! Good God, it’s worse than a slobberknocker! Oh, the carnage! The carnage! The only thing missing to take this to WWE scripted trainwreck of a match levels is if HHH's conveniently placed sledge hammer had caused the wreck. And incidentally, am I the only one who thinks Jimmer kinda looks like Screech? Well, except Jimmer can wear a wife-beater larger than size 4T and fill it out, but still, look at a photo of Jimmer from last weekend and grab a pic of Dustin Diamond back in the day. There is a resemblance. (See I told you I was insane. These picks are crying out "Charter! Two Rivers! County General!").
2 Florida over 10 UCLA. But I'm not sold on this pick at all. Florida is at least four seeds too high, and UCLA is at least a couple seeds too low. If Reeves Nelson catches fire from three land, the upset can happen. Still, not even I can project an 8, 13, 11, and 10 seeds as the regional. Even the A Man usually lets one or two train cars survive the epic accident. That, and at least one of the higher seeds will make it right? I mean, even in last year's Bracket Buster region, the two seed (Ohio State) made it to the second weekend before getting dumped.
Sweet Sixteen Contests:
13 Belmont over 8 Butler. Yes, I'm taking a 13 seed to the Elite Eight. For now anyways; I can absolutely see Butler winning this game. Everyone laughed at me last year for taking Butler to the Elite Eight, even at the expense of the Orange. Turns out I undersold them by a couple rounds. Wouldn't shock me if taking them "only" to the Sweet Sixteen undersells them by a couple rounds again. And believe me, when it comes to rounds, I don't undersell very often (rimshot!). (vice president biden voice) Chuck, Chuck stand up Chuck, let me see ya! Oh. God love ya, what am I talking about. I tell you what though, you're making an awful lot of people stand up though pal! Stand up for Chuck!
2 Florida over 11 Gonzaga. Another game I am zero percent confident in predicting. And with that out of the way, with the "Stand Up Chuck" joke in the previous pick, am I the only one fired up for the upcoming 2012 campaign? I mean, like the joke of a roster the Republicans are trotting out right now isn't frighteningly scary … I mean, funny enough, we're gonna get Joe Biden unleashed, unplugged, for eighteen straight months! If with just a week of prep last time, he managed to ask a quadrapalegic to stand up, imagine what he can do with prep time! I'm not sure of a whole lot of things, but of this I am sure: we all need more Joe Biden in our lives. (And a helluva lot less of his boss. Please Hillary, please. You're the only competent part of this administration. Please, for the love of your country, resign and run. Save us from Romney, save us from Gingrich, save us from Palin, please for the love of Christ above save us from Christie or Walker or Daniels! Please, please, please -- resign and run! I saw this coming three years ago. Hell, even Terri Schiavo could have told you what a f*cking joke Obama would be as President. Please, Hillary, you gotta resign and run before Barry destroys whatever last few of us are left in the political center that lean your direction. OK, that's it for the politics, back to the unfunny jokes and painfully wrong predictions).
Southeast Regional Final: 2 Florida over 13 Belmont. Seems like sleazy coaches are all the rage nowadays in college, why not have one of the sleaziest of the sleazy reach the Final Four for the third time in six years? (And the first time since he took the NBA cash grab, then decided "uuh, you know what, I want to come back, this NBA gig is too hard"). Florida 69, Belmont 55.
Southeast Regional Champion: The Florida Gators.
* Southwest Regional:
First Four Games:
11 VCU over 11 USC. Speaking of sleazy coaches, Kevin O'Neill everyone! He takes over an Arizona program that hasn't missed the tournament since I was in 1st grade (and yes, you read the bio at the top of this page correctly – I am 34, even if I look 16 … ok 17 … ok 32), and promptly finishes in seventh place in the Pac 10 and ends the tourney streak. He then somehow lands on his feet, is hired by USC ... and then gets into a drunken altercation with a former Arizona booster during last week's Pac 10 tourney. If you haven't seen the Deadspin story on this, the pics do it justice. Mr. O'Neill definitely was, in the words of J-Kwon, "gettin' tipsy!" VCU on the other hand, god bless it committee, thanks! You got one right! This is an entertaining as hell team that most wrote off because they lost four of their last seven. Uuh, tell me again why we screw quality mid-majors yet allow Georgetown in riding a four game losing streak, Villanova riding a five game losing streak (and nine of ten), and Illinois is in (more on them in a second) despite losing 12 of 16 to end the season? Love VCU in this spot.
Round of 64 Games:
1 Kansas over 16 Boston U. I actually tuned into some of Boston U's game Saturday against Stony Brook because I (correctly!) assumed KU might draw the winner. So let me say this about Boston U and KU's chances in this game. This ... is the Bill Mass Put the Helmet On Memorial Game of round one. And no, that is not a good thing for Jayhawk fans.
9 Illinois over 8 UNLV. What is this, former Illini coaches row? Lon Kruger gets first crack at his old school, and Bill Self would get a shot at them in round two. I can't believe I'm picking Bruce Weber to win a NCAA tournament game. But at some point, Demetri McCamey has to play to his potential, right? That, and UNLV is a solid team, but nothing to fear. The steady middle of the pack teams usually fold early in this tournament. On the bright side, any Illini fans reading this, how you like them apples? You go from Lou Hensen (decent coach, living legend) to Lon Kruger (rock solid coach) to Bill Self (more on Billy in a few paragraphs from now) ... to Bruce Weber, a man who I jokingly (yet accurately) note "couldn't outcoach a wet paper bag, let alone escape from one". On the bright side ... uuh ... hey, spring football's almost here. Who's ready to watch a Ron Zook coached team in action! Wow, Illini fans, I feel for you. It's probably time to march on the athletic department and take the keys away from whatever moron is posing as your AD.
4 Louisville over 13 Morehead State. This could be a highly entertaining first round game. It also could be a 95-60 blowout. I'd bet on the former rather than the latter, Morehead State is a pretty solid low-major. Plus, "Morehead State". Awesome. Where'd you go to school? Morehead! Imagine the pick-up and hopeful hook-up lines available to Morehead's undergraduate population! Damn, and here I thought telling potential prospects for an evening of fun that I was a "horny frog" was killer when I was in school. I'd have had nothing on Morehead student. (Again, trying to ensure this post is in the 43% non NC17 grouping. You can write your own Morehead jokes ... and they'll probably be way funnier than any I could type).
12 Richmond over 5 Vanderbilt. Poor Vandy, every year they draw the grousely under-seeded mid-major that makes their first opponent pay for it like Zues attacking a Beggin' Stirp. You’re right – I’m hitting the Dustyland well too often in this post. To be fair, Richmond is probably a 10, but the first four games probably pushed them down a line or two (VCU / USC winner has to play on Friday, and Richmond / Vandy is a Thursday game). Still, I like this Richmond team. They're gonna make some noies. I mean, noise.
3 Purdue over 14 St. Peter's. Don't know one damned thing about St. Peter's. Hopefully the real St. Peter ignores a sh*t ton of stuff about me someday. On the other hand, Purdue is one of two Big Ten (plus two) teams that don't make me want to vomit when I watch them play (along with Ohio State). So I'll pencil in the Boilermakers for a win. Which reminds me, and I forgot to mention this in the St. John's prediction -- how awesome is it to have the combover of Gene Keady back in our lives? Like last year with the Tom Penders horrendous fake tan and cheezy bleach blonde hair look, you forget some of the classics when they go away for a few years. Welcome back Coach Combover! You look as ridiculous as ever. And that's a great thing. We'll get to the other coach we need back in our lives in a few more paragraphs ...
11 VCU over 6 Georgetown. Even if Chris Wright plays, and all indications are he's gonna give it the old college try, do you really think a shooting guard coming off a broken wrist three weeks ago is going to make a positive difference in the outcome of a game? Didn't think so. VCU is sneaky good. They're one unlucky break (losing the CAA final) away from being in an 8/9 game. Plus, they're entertaining as hell to watch. I'll take the entertaining as hell team over the fading power six squad that hasn't won a game since before Libya was destabilized.
2 Notre Dame over 15 Akron. I know Akron is the Zips, and they're located in Ohio. (jose in south philly voice) Other than that, yo. I got nothing. Notre Dame is ridiculously overrated thanks to powering through a cream puff final four weeks (their Big East schedule was front-loaded). But they're not losing to the Zips. Whatever the hell a zip is.
7 Texas A&M over 10 Florida State. If Chris Singleton returns, and all indications are he's gonna give it the old college try, this will be a wildly entertaining opening game. I still like A&M whether he plays or not though, because (a) they're the better team, and (b) they're my Old Chick in "Gone With the Wind" screaming “Yankees in Georgia! How did they ever get here!!!” Memorial Team that somehow is still standing when the Elite Eight rolls around. (Like Baylor last year, Mizzou the year before, Davidson the year before that ...)
Round of 32 Games:
1 Kansas over 9 Illinois. Since nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing, indicates this game will even be remotely competitive, let me say, how incredible is Bill Self as a coach? Seven consecutive conference championships! Are you kidding me! And it's not like this is the pros, where you can keep the core of your team together for 7-10 years, making a run like that possible. KU lost three vital contributors last year -- Collins, Aldridge, and Henry -- and here they are again, still as a one seed, still as the conference champs. This guy is phenomenal. Can't sing his praises enough.
12 Richmond over 4 Louisville. Helluva job this year by Rick Pitino, who also took over a rebuild-on-the-fly team and has them back as a top four seed. But I really like this Spiders squad. Hopefully Rick can find a nice Italian restaurant with a willing waitress or two afterwards to deal with the defeat.
3 Purdue over 11 VCU. Could be a sneakily entertaining game. I'm telling you, VCU is entertaining as hell to watch play. Purdue ... well, they're not entertaining as hell. They're a Big Ten (plus two) team, none of them are anything even remotely approaching entertaining save for Ohio State. But Purdue is a solid team that should survive the first weekend.
7 Texas A&M over 2 Notre Dame. Here's the thing with Notre Dame, and Luke Winn pointed it out at si.com -- the key to everything they do is being allowed to move the ball around as they get into their offensive set. If you press them, if you play man defense, you can completely disrupt them and take them out of their rhythm. I'd argue that nobody plays better pressure man defense in the Big XII than Texas A&M, and they're amongst the best in the nation at it. This is set up perfectly for A&M. Mark Turgeon has sprung the huge upsets before -- he took Wichita State (a 7 seed) to the Sweet Sixteen a couple years ago. I say A&M does it.
Sweet Sixteen Contests:
1 Kansas over 12 Richmond. This potential game scares the hell out of me. Richmond is the exact type of team that knocks KU out every year -- a guard-fueled, upper-classman led team that isn't necessarily a power school, but definitely has deep tourney experience. It's been this way going back what, twenty years to UTEP and UCLA back in the early 90s? Look at who KU has lost to in the tourney recently, and you'll see why Richmond scares me -- 2010 Northern Iowa (that Farouk kid nailing every three he threw up), 2009 Michigan State (Kalin Lucas en fuego), 2007 UCLA (had no answer for Afflalo), 2006 Bradley (the one exception -- a senior led squad, but front-line dominated team), 2005 Bucknell, 2004 Georgia Tech (f*cking Jarrett Jack, rot in hell pal, rot in hell), 2003 Syracuse (has Gerry McNamara missed yet?), 2002 Maryland (Juan Effing Dixon), on and on and on. Even the title run in 2008, the two games KU really struggled in were Davidson (Stephen Curry) and Memphis (Derrick Rose and that shooting guard whose name escaped me, I think it was Washington). Let's hope KU survives and advances, no matter who they face in this spot.
7 Texas A&M over 3 Purdue. Holy God, if you thought the Penn State / Wisconsin thrilla on Friday night was a defensive slugfest, what is this one gonna be? First team to 25 wins?
West Regional Final: 1 Kansas over 7 Texas A&M. Continuing the "KU craps out against guard led veteran squads", the last team to win in Lawrence before UT did it a couple months ago? Yup, Acie Law's A&M team in 2007 that grabbed a three seed and fell one point short of reaching the Elite Eight. This is A&M's best team since that one, the last one Billy Gillispie led. (Speaking of "glad to see you're back" coaches, let's hope Billy lands at Texas Tech. Every conference needs one loveable lush walking the sidelines. We had three classics in this conference the last decade -- Larry Eustachy, Bob "Huggy Bear" Huggins, and Gillispie. And Quin’s a debatable inclusion, if you replace coke with booze (allegedly). We need Billy back in this conference. The Coach Switzer to Bill Self's Dr. Tom ... and Frank Martin's Terry Allen). Anyways, this would be an intriguing matchup. A&M played well in Lawrence two weeks ago. They'll have the crowd behind them (game would be in San Antonio). And as great as Coach Self has been, he's been, uuh, "shaky" at best in the Elite Eight in his career. (He's 1-2 at KU in that round, and was 0 for 2 prior to arriving at Kansas, losing in 2000 with Tulsa and 2001 with Illinois). Still, come on, I'm a homer. I can put Bob Davis to shame at times, I'm so big of a homer. I'm not picking KU to crap out this close to the Final Four. KU 74, A&M 73.
Southwest Regional Champion: The Kansas Jayhawks.
* The Final Four:
1 Duke over 1 Ohio State. At some point, a team with a quality collection of big men is going to decide "screw it", and start using their 20-25 fouls between them to batter Jared Sullinger into submission. And that team is Duke. Between the Plumlee brothers, Ryan Kelly, and assorted flotsam and jetsome riding the back of the bench, Duke has the depth to shut down Ohio State's inside game. And once that happens, look it, Jon Diebler is an incredible shooter, but do you really see him going 10 for 13 from three land defended by Kyle Singler? Look at what Singler did to Harrison Barnes yesterday, it was a freaking clinic in how to defend someone. Barnes was so rattled that by the time he started to use screens and blocks to shake Singler's man coverage, UNC was down 15 and the clock was fading fast. I love this matchup for Duke. Love it. Love it like a Dookie loves to (lil' wayne voice) lick it like a lollipop. OK, yeah, that one probably went a teeeeeeeeny bit too far. That NC17 rating is back on the table folks! Could be a photo finish. Devils 81, Buckeyes 76.
1 Kansas over 2 Florida. Total mismatch. Total mismatch. As our buddy Pickell would say, let me put it this way -- if Texas can't guard the Morris twins, and UT pretty much has the best collection of talent at the forward position in the country, especially defensively, if they looked like a Quin Snyder coached D-League team against the Morris twins, how the hell are the Gators stopping them? I honestly think, in many regards ... nah, I don't want to go there, because it's a horrifying thought. But -- KU's season turned in a positive way when they had to experience life without Thomas Robinson, both due to tragedy and then injury. It forced the action inside. Rather than relying on Selby jumpers and Robinson drives, it put the rock where it needed to be -- in the hands of the two kids on the team that can flat out win you the game. When Thomas Robinson is a luxury, you know you're good. This Kansas team is good. Scary good. National championship game appearance good. KU 87, Florida 76.
* The National Championship:
Kansas! Duke! I don't know much, but I do know this: there's a strong chance that if DJ and I watch this one together, one of us is going home via an ambulance. And I'm betting it will be me. (Kinda like how if I ever run into "deadbeat ex roommate", one of us is leaving the scene in a body bag. Again, I'd bet the family farm on me being in said bag, under the "nope, Steve's pic ain't next to the phrase physically fit" theory, but you can bet your sweet ass I'd get in a solid shot or three at him first).
This is my dream final matchup. Not because it favors KU -- it doesn't. See the Ohio State / Duke preview a couple paragraphs above for why it really doesn't. But because this would be a game for the ages.
The Morris twins against the Plumlee brothers. (First one to hit three straight free throws gets a complimentary lollipop! No wait, that rigs it towards the Dookies. OK, first one to hit the rim on three straight free throws ... damn! A simple rimshot, still probably favors the Dookies. OK, ok, I got it -- first one to draw iron on at least three straight foul shots, gets to stop having me scream "hit a f*cking free throw you mother f*cking f*ckstick!" at them. Seems like a safe bet to make -- none of the four of them can do it). Strength on strength inside. Duke probably has a slight edge with Ryan Kelly coming off the bench -- seriously, watching that kid this weekend, I was having frightening flashbacks to (dookie student section voice) ZOOOOOOOOOOO-bek last year, how he came out of nowhere to be a key contributor in the biggest moments.
A potential matchup of "which freshman sensation ruined his draft stock the most" of Kyrie Irving who -- call me stupid, call me crazy, but please, don't call me surely -- I think will play some in March, against Josh Selby, who's all but vanished from the box scores lately.
Nolan Smith against the four-headed monster of Brady Morningstar, Tyrel Reed, Elijah Johnson, and Tyshawn Taylor. One of the four will show up. Three of them won't. The scary ... excuse me, fun part is trying to figure out who's on that night as quickly as f*cking possible and plopping the other three as far away from the scorer's table as possible.
But the matchup of champions: Kyle Singler against Thomas Robinson. A complete contrast in styles offensively. But both are tougher than a two dollar steak at the Sizzler on defense. (Good God, that's ... that's Good Ol' JR's music! Yup, we're three weeks away from Wrestlemania Twenty Something! That is definitely a good thing. Especially if Good Ol' JR takes the mic for at least one match).
And coaching wise, yikes. I mean, this might be the single best coached title game in NCAA history, on paper. Well it's this, or that epic Mike Davis / Gary Williams showdown nine years ago. Hang on, let me channel my inner Dick Vitale here to do this justice. (dick vitale voice) Oh baby, what an incredible treat for the fans, Digger! You have the great one, Coach K, going for number nine zero four, the record, to topple the greatest, the General, Mr. Robert Montgomery Knight! And you have the up and comer, the guy most likely to challenge that number years from now, the awesome with a capital A, Bill Self! And Jay, these kids on the Devils, (vitale's head imploding from all the verbal fellating of dookie players starting ... now. Hopefully someone from the "First Family of Broadcasting" can replace him. Or at least be slightly less biased than Dick is).
(Which reminds me, and I specifically saved this rant for a Dookie section ... I thoroughly enjoyed watching the ACC Toonumunt this weekend. As much as I cannot stomach the biased commentary of Dick Vitale, it works for the ACC Toonumunt for me. Like sliding on the Birkenstocks for the first time in the summer -- it's an old friend you know and love being welcomed back into your life. Having said that ... every god d*mned time the camera spanned to the UNC bench yesterday (careful, don't jump to conclusions ...) and it picked up Ol' Roy standing next to the scorers table (again, don’t overthink, this ain't an anti-Roy thought ...) my love of that game, of that toonumunt, decreased by about 5%. Why? Because occupying the last spot on the front of media row, right next to the Tar Heels bench, was Billy "Fudge" Packer. I mean, even in retirement he's roo-eening the sport! Every damned time they showed Roy, or even showed the long lens view of the court, there he was, sitting there looking miserable. At least I think he looked miserable. He was certainly making me miserable. I easily, easily, consumed at least four more beers than I planned to yesterday because that thing was on my television screen. Come on ACC, do the right thing and boot Packer's ass to the parking lot. You can even let a Dookie SID do it, he might enjoy kicking a mean angry tight ass named Packer in the, uuh, ass. Or at least make him scalp a ticket to get in the door. He roo-eened the sport for thirty freaking years. Absolutely roo-eened it. It's time for someone to put a stop to it. OK, back to the prediction).
I anticipate it would be a fun game, a competitive contest, probably comes down to the last couple possessions and which of the free-throw challenged brothers from the same mother decides to win my bet from a few paragraphs ago.
So that at the end of the evening, when the final shot has gone up, when the final hand has been shaken, when the trophy has been presented, the most awesome, incredible, tear-inducing tradition in sports that doesn't involve Jim Nabors, Carol Brady, the Purdue Marching band and a sh*t ton of balloons will bring the night to a close, as "One Shining Moment" pays final tribute to the 2011 NCAA Men's champions.
And Coach and T-Rob are having a good hug and a good cry while clutching the whatever the hell you call it championship trophy, well, this time, I promise not to cry. I promise to not lose control.
KU 83, Duke 78. As the lovely (boy this is gonna take some getting used to) the lovely Mrs. Jones noted Saturday about the Rock Chalk comfort chant – “it’s a relief, a huge exhale”. Yup. We won’t need an epic comeback this time, no miraculous Mario Chalmers shots, and I promise I will not hit the floor, curl up in the fetal position, and sob uncontrollably for four minutes when regulation ends. Nope, just a hard-fought, outstanding game that comes down to the miraculous happening -- clutch meaningful Morris twin foul shooting, and ends with me simply standing and applauding the effort, and possibly giving a fist pump or three in appreciation.
(Oh who am I kidding -- of course I'm going to hit the floor, curl up in the fetal position, and cry me a river for a while. Rock Chalk Championship!!!)
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