Monday, September 19, 2011

scott, meet stevo. he's pissed at you.

Chiefs fans, we need a distraction ... ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Conway Twitty!!!


I know that in depressing times such as these, that you turn to me, to this blog, to somehow put everything into perspective, to offer some soothing “words of comfort” that make things seem not quite as ugly as they appear to be.

This week, I got nothing. Yes, we really did just lose by 45 points to the Detroit Lions. Yes, the Chiefs have lost four consecutive games that count, all by at least 21 points. Yes, for the first time, the doubts about this coach, his plan, and this administration and it’s plan, are beginning to be read in the mainstream media.

So if you’re looking for more doom and gloom … you’re not going to get it here. I, for one, am angry. Scratch that – I am furious right now. And what you’re about to get is a post I should have submitted six months ago, but waited to get up due to giving someone the benefit of the doubt.

In the words of Roberto Duran, “no mas”.

Like I said, I am p*ssed off right now. Look it, I don’t care that the Chiefs quit on that field yesterday. They freaking quit. And you know what? I don’t care. I don’t care that our head coach is the laughing stock of the professional football world right now. I don’t care that this team looks worse literally every time they step on the field. I don’t care that the defense is getting burned like a joint at a Ben Harper concert. I don’t care that the offensive game plan defies all logic and common sense*. I don’t even care that special teams decisions seem to be being made based on flipping a f*cking coin, heads we try, tails we quit.

(*: this part is an out-right lie. I am the guy who in 2007 bought a piñata, put pictures of Mike Solari all over it, and brought said piñata and a tire iron to the Bengals tailgate, so that anyone and everyone could “talk” to “Mike” and let him know what they thought of his gameplanning. There’s a damned good chance you might get a chance to “meet and greet Bill Muir” at the Vikings game. I hate every damned thing about this offense.)

I don’t even care that yesterday was our Five Forks. Yesterday, the lines broke, the enemy stormed the trenches, and I’m looking at the capital burning to the ground as I type*. Yesterday was season over. Spare me the “well, if the Chiefs upset San Diego, and Minnesota and Indy are on tap” bullsh*t. This team, right now, couldn’t defeat the Kansas Jayhawks on a neutral field. And KU gave up 800 yards of offense on Saturday. This team, right now, couldn’t get 180 against Kansas, let alone beat them. We stink worse than a tuna melt sitting in the sun for a week. We effing reek.

(*: I don’t get my recent obsession with the final battles of the Civil War either. I go through phases where my interest is sparked, what can I say.)

NONE of that is what has me angry. What has me infuriated, is that there’s not one damned reason left to play this season. Not one good or positive thing can come from the 2011 Chiefs season, as the roster is currently constructed.

Because there’s no potential franchise savior at the quarterback position on the roster.

I ranted for 10 plus pages on Draft Night that the pick HAD to be Arkansas quarterback Ryan Mallett. I laid out in detail why I felt as strongly as I did about using a draft choice on Ryan Mallett. Four times, this potential franchise savior fell to the Chiefs and our illustrious general manager. All four times, the Chiefs passed:

* at 21, the Chiefs traded back, allowing the Browns to move up, and picking up an extra 3rd rounder for our considerations. I had no complaints with this “passing” of Mallett, because he was a virtual certainty to still be there at 26.

* at 26, the Chiefs drafted Jonathan Baldwin, who hasn’t stepped foot on the field for a single down yet, broke his hand in a brawl with a teammate, and was rated at best as a third-round project. Yes folks, we passed on drafting a potential franchise QB for the first time in franchise history for a malcontent, useless wide receiver.

* at 55, the Chiefs passed on Ryan Mallett to draft a backup center who likely won’t see significant playing time until 2013. Brilliant.

* at 70,the pick acquired from Cleveland for moving back five spots the day before, the Chiefs proved that character doesn’t matter, that (alleged) drug use doesn’t matter (damning their one semi-legitimate reason for not drafting Mallett) by drafting a linebacker who FLUNKED A DRUG TEST AT THE COMBINE! If you think Ryan Mallett has character issues, well, re-read my defense of him. If you think drafting a linebacker who tested positive for weed EVEN THOUGH HE KNEW HE WOULD BE TESTED was a smart decision, you need a lobotomy.

Three picks later, Bill Belichick drafted Ryan Mallett, basically ensuring that the Patriots dynasty will extend another fifteen years. Just like Green Bay pouncing on Aaron Rodgers in 2005 when he was in free fall. There’s a novel idea – a potential franchise QB has landed in your lap, why not take him, say “thank you” to the 31 other morons running a team in this league, and laugh all the way to the bank? God above. There’s a reason why the Green Bay’s, the New England’s, the Pittsburgh’s of the world are always on top, and the Chiefs haven’t won a playoff game since I was a junior in high school. And I turn 35 on Wild Card Week this January.

I am furious, because had the Chiefs done the right thing and drafted Ryan Mallett, at least we’d still have a reason to hope. With Ryan Mallett on the roster, at least something might have been salvaged from this season. Now? We got nothing. 2011 is a complete and total waste in every sense of the word.

(And spare me the “well, we can see what we have in Ricky Stanzi” crap. We already KNOW what we have in Ricky Stanzi. It’s what we have in Matt Cassel – a credible backup who has no business starting on a team aiming to win a Super Bowl. I don’t need to see Ricky Stanzi play to figure that out. Why? BECAUSE YOU DON’T FIND FRANCHISE QUARTERBACKS ON DAY THREE OF THE DRAFT! Does Scott Pioli think that because he’s the only GM in history to luck into one on day three, that means he can replicate it again? It’s happened ONCE IN LEAGUE HISTORY. The League has been around for 92 years! Once in 92 years, and you think you can do it again? Christ, I pray that isn’t the case. If it is, we are more f*cked than I already fear we are.)

For that, Scott Pioli should be held accountable. If Todd Haley is shown the door, Scott Pioli damned well better be given a pink slip too. It was Scott Pioli who hired Todd Haley four years ago, despite Mike Shanahan begging to be employed here. It was Scott Pioli who gambled that a career backup who couldn’t lead a team that just went 16-0 back to the playoffs was a “franchise quarterback”. It is Scott Pioli who foolishly drafted Tyson Jackson, it is Scott Pioli who didn’t spend $30 million in cap room this offseason to build some depth, and it is Scott Pioli who should take the fall if and when a change comes to One Arrowhead Drive.

Let there be no doubt Chiefs fans – this season is COMPLETELY and TOTALLY on the shoulders of Scott Pioli. It is NOONE else’s fault. I do not blame Todd Haley – you can only coach the players you’ve got. If your GM fails miserably at his job, you’re destined to fail at yours. I do not blame Matt Cassel. Cassel is what I knew he was, a suitable backup, a decent spot starter, someone who you can probably win ten games with if everything falls right. In the words of Bill Walsh, “he’s just good enough to get you beat”. That is a perfect description for Matt Cassel. He will have stretches of brilliance, where you begin to get excited, and then, he will have stretches like his last four games, where he basically sheds his uniform to reveal he’s in a clown suit, and all you want to do is punch him in his bright red poofy nose.

I don’t blame the coordinators. Bill Muir is in over his head, but at this point, why not see if he can grow into the job. Poor Romeo Crennel – the key to everything we do defensively is Eric Berry. Scott Pioli’s refusal to acquire quality depth at the safety position has Romeo stuck starting Sabby Piscitelli. I don’t know who thought signing Sabby Piscitelli as a free agent was a good idea, but that guy better get a swift kick in the ass, out the back door, right behind Scott Pioli when this Pioli-authored abortion of a season draws to a merciful close at fake mile high four months from now.

I can already hear some of you, specifically “The Voice of Reason”, shaking your heads and saying “Stevo, calm down, you’re overreacting”. And my response is, HELL YES I AM OVERREACTING!

NO Chiefs team in franchise HISTORY has been worse over a four game stretch than this current Chiefs team. Let that sink in – this roster, built by Scott Pioli, foolishly un-reinforced by Scott Pioli, and proclaimed a “championship contender” by Scott Pioli, has just posted the worst “month” of football in franchise history. The Chiefs have NEVER been outscored as much in a four game stretch, as they just have been. And they had an entire offseason serving as halftime of the “month”! We have given up at least 30 points in our last four games. We have not scored more than one touchdown in these last four games. Every game gets worse – lose by 21 to oakland, 23 to Baltimore, 34 to Buffalo, and in what basically amounts to someone squatting and taking a sh*t where you sleep, losing by 45 to Detroit! How in the name of God do you lose by 45 to the Detroit f*cking Lions? HOW? You call it overreacting, I call it a common sense reaction to what we are watching unfold!

I am furious, and my rage is aimed squarely at the architect of this mess.

The good news is … well Christ, you find some, because I sure as hell can’t. The Chiefs are dead in the water, and it’s not even officially fall yet. Let that sink in Chiefs fans – this season is for all intents and purposes OVER BEFORE THE END OF SUMMER! Thank you, Scott Pioli, for this disaster you created. You make me want to vomit.

Am I overreacting? Hell to the mother f*cking yes I am overreacting! My question is, why is nobody at One Arrowhead Drive doing the same? Do they not care? Do they not give a sh*t about being used as the league’s port-a-potty? Christ, we still have three national TV appearances to go! You would think someone, anyone, would be doing something to try to avoid this franchise becoming a national embarrassment along the lines of … well, along the lines of the team that just beat us by 45 points yesterday!

Overreacting? God forbid! God forbid anyone with a pulse start pointing out the obvious! This season is LOST! It is OVER! Don’t delude yourself into thinking one upset can spark a turn-around. Say it with me, please, because acceptance is the final stage of grief. THIS SEASON IS OVER! The only thing left to occur is for some pedophile in a frock to give the last rites, and pull the sheet over the head of the patient. This season is dead, done, finished. Over.

There is only one thing left that could possibly make 2011 worth playing out the string for. And that is if Scott Pioli admits he f*cked up, and goes crawling hat-in-hand to Bill Belichick, and works out compensation to send Ryan Mallett to Kansas City.

This needs to happen YESTERDAY. Actually, it needed to happen six f*cking months ago, and it wouldn’t have cost us anything other than $.02 for the pencil and index card to write “Ryan Mallett, QB, Arkansas” on said index card with said pencil. OK, maybe $.04, I assume we’d use a mechanical pencil instead of the cheap stub you get at a baseball game to keep score with. But still. That is the ONLY thing left that can salvage this season.

Do it Scott. Get on the phone, offer up a conditional fourth, a conditional third, Christ, offer your firstborn son and a package of Doritos, and undo the biggest mistake of your career. Scott, buddy, pal, look it, my previous four pages of b*tching aside, I do think you are a competent general manager.

But for God’s sake man, you screwed the pooch on the Ryan Mallett mistake. There is still time to fix said mistake. Do it. Trade for Mallett, give him six weeks to learn the playbook, learn the offense. He splits 50/50 with Cassel in practice. And then, on November 6th, he is installed as the starter for the final nine games of the season. By January 1st, you will know beyond the shadow of a doubt if I’m right, and Ryan Mallett is going to be a superstar in this league … or if I’m wrong. And if I am wrong Scott? WHO CARES! You’d go 1-15* and could draft Andrew Luck (who I do NOT like one bit, but whatever.)

(*: until we lose, I will always believe we will beat denver at home. Again – I can live with 1-15, as long as the 1 is denver at home. And yes, for the second time in four years, I am SCARED TO DEATH that statement may become a reality come January 1st.)

Scotty, buddy, what irritates me more than anything, is that passing on Ryan Mallett was so damned predictable, that I guaranteed in my verbal fellating of the Arkansas QB that we’d do it. Because it’s the classic Chiefs move. The Chiefs NEVER take a chance on greatness! They NEVER take an opportunity to draft someone special at the quarterback position, not if some third-rate reject like Ricky Stanzi is available in round five (or six, I have no clue what round we picked him in. But I know it was post-fourth round. Because you ALWAYS find franchise QBs available with an hour to go in the draft. Yeah, THAT’S a proven, winning strategory. Jesus, passing on Mallett is the obvious Chiefs play. Why draft Aaron Rodgers when he falls in your lap when instead, you can draft a safe pick (linebacker Derrick Johnson) and then target Brodie Croyle in the third round a year later? Why hold onto a first round pick in 2001 and use it to draft the sliding Drew Brees, when you can send that pick to St. Louis for a quarterback coming back from two blown knees?* Why draft Dan Marino or Jim Kelly when Todd Blackledge is on the board?

(*: in fairness to Carl, this trade worked out fairly well. But still, would you rather have Drew Brees over the last 11 years … or Trent Green and what’s come after him? Yeah, thought so.)

Passing on Mallett for a beat up WR who can’t get on the field and brawls with his teammates, a lineman who can’t beat out Casey Weigmann for playing time, and a linebacker who smokes more than “The Self Proclaimed Champ”, that is genius. Pure genius! It’s like if I went to the Eclipse, managed to strike up a conversation with the only attractive chick in the joint, spend a successful 2, 2 ½ hours getting her interested in me, and then, when the joint is closing down and as, in the words of Semisonic, “you don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here” time arrives, I decide “nope, she’s too good for me”, and ask the 55 year old chain smoker who’s missing her upper teeth, has stringy hair, and reeks from a foul odor to share a ride home with me. It’s effing retarded. It’s stupid. That, Scott Pioli, is what passing on Ryan Mallett last April was: retarded. Stupid. Beyond indefensible.

If you want positive, uplifting, hopeful, look elsewhere. Because until and unless the brain trust at One Arrowhead Drive realizes we do NOT have a franchise quarterback on the roster, 10-6 and losing by 23 at home in the playoffs is this team’s ceiling. And I, for one, am getting god*mned sick and tired of hitting the ceiling …

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