"You know, if I'd had seen her coming?
I'd have probably tried to hide.
But I came around the corner,
And she caught me by surprise.
There was no ice cold shoulder;
There was no ugly scene.
She just smiled and didn't say the things
I thought she'd say to me.
Well it was nothing like that rainy night,
When she left and slammed the door.
Not only she don't love me
She don't hate me anymore ..."
"She Don't Love Me" by Blake Shelton.
Wow, are we really in week three already?
In case you've been living in a cave, you may have heard about "Racistgate" on this season's edition of "Big Brother". Namely, you have three outright bigots in the house -- Aaryn, GinaMarie, and Kaitlin, two of whom have been fired in the real world (though they don't know it yet) over their insensitive remarks. Throw in an insensitive railroad worker (Spencer), and in the words of Al Michaels after Mike Eruzione -- whose name in Italian means "eruption" -- scored the greatest goal in hockey history: "Ooh! And now you've got bedlam!!!"
(And if you missed Thursday's live eviction show, you HAVE to see Mrs. Les Moonves put Aaryn in her place. It's epically awesome.)
Let's do this. As always, contestants are ranked from worst to best, and best is subjective upon two things:
a. whether I like them, and
b. whether they're worth the price of admission.
Oh -- and (b) trumps (a). In case you care.
(bud light commercial voice) Here we go!
Key: Ranking. Contestant (Prior Ranking(s). Reason(s) for Current Ranking.)
16. David (1). The "Dudebro", as Hamsterwatch so affectionately named him, was blindsided in the first live eviction. What a shame. This guy was every bit the stoned, buzzed, absolutely aloof surfer / lifeguard the promos made him out to be. What a waste.
15. Nick (8). Our second houseguest to hit the street, and this one last Thursday was even more stunning than David's the week before. When Morty can't figure out what the hell the houseguests are thinking, via their voting strategories, then I'm guessing they have no clue either. (My theory on the sudden demise of the Moving Company -- McCrae and (especially) Howard are so disgusted with Jeremy (and Aaryn) that they'd rather sell out the alliance early, than be stuck with it late. But what do I know -- my preseason number one ranked houseguest, was the first to be evicted.)
14. Jeremy (5). As I noted to "The Voice of Reason", "this guy is a bigger asshat than (buddy of ours back in high school) ever was -- literally". Literally, as in he grabbed some houseguests hat, and literally wiped his ass with it. (Pause). What? (Pause). Yeah, maybe it is good the producers passed on having me as a houseguest this year. I mean, the producers have cut back on the liquor deliveries, because it's a nightly Klan rally in that place at this point. How would I have made it without my liquor?
13. Howard (7). The good news -- he's not Metta World Peace. The bad news -- he's boring as hell, hasn't done one memorable thing yet (unless praying about who he should vote to evict counts, and it doesn't with me), and is definitely the "token houseguest who noone has a problem with, and will get drug along to the very end, then cut loose before the final vote". Or the Jason (season three) / Memphis (season ten) role. Which makes my aversion to him so far very weird -- Jason and Memphis are two of my three favorite houseguests of all time (along with Renny, also from season ten).
12. Amanda (3). She's emerging as the voice of reason of the house, along with McCrae. Which sucks -- the house doesn't need reason, it needs more firewater, tobacco, and racist remarks! To say nothing of bow chica bow wow, bow wow. Her confronting Aaryn over her racist comments against (I forget which one -- blacks, Asians, or Jews; she's nailed the trifecta at this point) was great television. Especially Aaryn's classy, dignified response to being called out as Archie Bunker Junior -- dropping a fart noise in Amanda's face.
11. Spencer (12). Hey, our first houseguest to rise in the rankings! He's only insulted Jews, so he has a way to go to catch the others. Plus, his truly was an offcolor joke that was relatively harmless, but blown out of proportion given everything else going on. Other than Judd and maybe Helen, he's playing the best game so far. Could be a shock winner come September, like Adam six seasons ago. Just don't blow the prize money setting up Massachusetts' biggest drug running operation like Adam did, ok Spence?
10. Kaitlin (13). My initial reaction ("she strikes me as a b*tch"), looks dead on target so far.
9. Elissa (16). Look it, kudos for being the MVP both weeks, and kudos for avoiding eviction two weeks in a row through some savvy game play. But girl, wake up. Helen is riding you until you drop.
8. McCrae (14). Your first HoH winner, and so far has avoided making a ton of enemies. He's playing a smart, disciplined game. Normally your first HoH has a huge target; this year, it's the second HoH who everyone is gunning for. Keep an eye on this one. It'd be cool to see him win (he's a huge fan of the show and a contributer at Hamsterwatch).
7. Candice (6). I gotta admit: she's the first "token angry black chick" that I haven't hated right off the bat. Her drop isn't due to anything she's done, but rather to the train wreck at least half of the remaining six have turned into.
6. Jessie (4). Probably the most boring of all these houseguests. Good for her; bad for us.
5. GinaMarie (11). OK, just say it -- her emotional meltdown after Nick got booted last week, was one for the ages. She literally spent two straight hours doing nothing but crying, sobbing, shouting "why me! Why Nick!" She's also an incredibly racially insensitive person who's lost her day job due to her comments, in addition to being a high-strung, high maintenance beyatch. Circle me impressed, Bert*!
(*: for the clueless, if you ever have the Major League package, or happen upon a local Twins broadcast, Bert Blyleven literally circles what he's interested in on the screen. It's creative.)
4. Andy (9). Well, I nailed the "token flaming gay dude". Usually those guys are the most fun houseguests ... and Andy hasn't disappointed. Other than my number one this week, nobody has made me laugh more than Andy. I can totally see why he has a wall in the women's restroom in Urbana dedicated to him.
3. Helen (15). Still no clue which sleazy cut-throat Illinois politician she works for -- Obama, Rahm, or the Daley's. But I'm leaning Rahm. She definitely has his skill, and she definitely has a pair. Maybe we should stick Stevo's Site Numero Dos Illinois Democrat Party Expert Jenni Grigsby on this. (Pause). What? (Pause). Well yeah, it sucks that we have a damned Illinois Democrat Party Expert on this site, but noone has volunteered as our Fake Boob Expert! I'm outraged about it too! (Pause). What? (Pause). Oh, good point. (tony bruno voice) It's an outrage!
2. Aaryn (2). This ranking in no way, shape, or form, endorses or condones her outrageous conduct, her bigoted comments, her general racism, and her utter lack of decorum or decency. But this ranking does indicate we like watching it, if only to reinforce the idea that no matter how awful your life gets*, no matter what you sink to? Someone is ALWAYS worse off than you.
(*: when people ask me why I love NASCAR (and IndyCar) so much, the answer is simple: the actual raceday experience. Because no matter how financially struggling you are? You didn't take out a third mortgage to attend, like 40% of the people there. No matter how drunk you are? You're more sober than half the crowd, and all the crowd in the infield at Indy. No matter how disgusting you look? At least 62.6% of the fans in attendance, are uglier, fatter, and dirtier. Plus, and if you know me well, you'll know who I'm referring to -- think of the biggest NASCAR fan I know, a man with whom I have a weekly wager on certain drivers for beers at the Double. Need I say more? God, I am so talking myself into trying to make Indy in two weeks. I can't believe it's been five years since I made it up there for either major race, especially the 500 ...)
1. Judd (10). He's Memphis 2.0. Everything this dude says is comedic gold. He's a laid back Southern dude who has no problems with making fun of himself. Other than the Southern part, that's me. And I did go to college in Texas, and did try to move back there four months ago, so I guess I'm kinda, sorta Southern. I do use "y'all" a lot. That's gotta count for something.
I'll try to do better about getting these up each week. Honestly, and "The Voice of Reason" can tell you this -- I had this thing done last Thursday ... and then the eviction threw the entire rankings (and game) into chaos (I had Nick ranked 3rd, and GinaMarie was 13th pre-meltdown) that rendered a re-do. Then the weekend, which was spent poolside, then today at work, which is probably the most depressing day of my year, and given all the crap I'm dealing with in my life at this point, that's saying something. But I'll try to do better.
The likely next two posts:
* Sometimes, you just have to vent. I feel an epic one coming on, sometime this week. I started it today, if only to record my emotions of what today meant to me. I will keep it as person-free and Stevo-centric as humanly possible though. I'm done fighting. One side has to cave, if only for the sanity of all parties involved. I guess it'll once again, be me.
* Also, I'm almost done with the next "Stevo looks back at his favorite episodes" post, which will be the seventh ranked episode on the list. Hope to get that up this week as well. But I make no promises.
I have a long week ahead of me, as the job has completely changed now, I'm tied up all weekend in a barbeque contest, and I'm trying like hell to finally get some PTO next week, which means working double hard this week, even if it's a staycation poolside with an ice cold Coors Light or three.
But hey, if I can't find an hour out of my life to put up a Big Brother Power Poll?
Then I have truly failed myself, and you, the readers ...