Wednesday, July 31, 2013

big brother 15 power poll 4.0

"Baby, do you understand me now?
Sometimes I feel a little mad.
But don't you know that noone alive,
Can always be an angel?
When things go wrong?
I seem to be bad.

Well I'm just a soul whose intentions are good --
Oh Lord!  Please don't let me be misunderstood!"

-- "Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood", by the Animals.


I have three friends that are as addicted to "Big Brother" as I am.  Which, truth be told, is probably a good thing -- this show is something else this season.

Every Friday, one of those friends, my former boss at "Stevo's Former Employer", and I exchange an email or five regarding the live eviction the night before, as well as the HoH results, and what it'll mean for the house.

This was my email to open the day last Friday:

"It's Aryan Nation Week!  Racists, Klansmen, Bigots, Unite in Pride!  White Power!  White Power!

Well, actually I meant Aaryn Nation week, but it still works, right?"

Yes, America's least beloved racist won HoH this week, becoming our first repeat head of the household of the season ... and, well, that led to this exchange, between me and "The Voice of Reason", later that morning:

"How great would it be if Aaryn put up Candice and Howard?  White Power!  White Power!"

Somewhere, former Senator Robert "Sheets" Byrd (D-WV), a former Grand Leader of the KKK, must be looking up with pride, as -- (pause).  What?  (Pause).  Well of course I know Sheets is dead!  Why the hell do you think I said he's looking up?  Sheets did all his looking downward during his 97 years on this earth, usually at an African-American, while wearing a pillowcase to cover his face!  Good grief, does the official Stevo's Site Numero Dos Non-Existant Editor not understand sarcasm and irony?

Anyways, our Ol' Buddy, Ol' Sheets Byrd (again, Democrat - West Virginia ... emphasis on the word "Democrat", because clearly, the Republican Party is the home of the racists, sexists, bigots and homophobes, like Ol' Sheets Byrd, George Wallace (D-AL), Strom Thurmond (R-SC ... but he started as D-SC), the champion of liar Tawana Brawley, the Reverend Al Sharpton (D-NY), a man who once said he wanted to "cut (President Obama)'s nuts off", the Reverend Jackson (D-IL), a man who once called President Obama a "light skinned black man with no Negro dialect ", Senate Majority Leader "Dingy" Harry Reid (D-NV), and of course the man who once claimed that "In Delaware, the largest group in population is Indian Americans, here from India.  You cannot go to a 7-11 or a Dunkin' Donuts, unless you have a slight Indian accent.  And I'm not joking!", our Vice President, Joseph Robinette Biden Junior!!!!)

Sorry, got off on a tangent there.  Anyways, I was 100% correct, as (sarah palin voice) you betcha! ... that the two African-American players in the game are up on the chopping block as Aryan Nation Week reaches its climax!  The only way it could have been topped, is if she'd nominated the "token flaming gay guy", Andy, as well, to target every minority in the house.

Oh, and America's Least Favorite Racist also got off on an incredible rant against people who were adopted last night.  I mean, seriously?  If EVER there is a poster child for NARAL and Planned Parenthood (founded by a virulent racist who wanted every black baby to die) in support of killing your kid, Aaryn is that poster child.

As always, rankings are determined by two things, and two things only:

a. how much I like the houseguest, and
b. how entertaining the houseguest is.

(B) will always trump (A).

Let's do this.

Key: Rank.  (3.0 ranking, 2.0 ranking, 1.0 ranking).  Reason.

And if you're a glutton for punishment, here are the prior editions:

Big Brother 15 Power Poll 3.0
Big Brother 15 Power Poll 2.0
Big Brother 15 Power Poll 1.0

16. David.  (16, 16, 1).  GinaMarie entered into a $100 bet with a houseguest this week, that she would "f*ck David" when she's evicted.  Yo, Dave -- run dude!  Run!  Run like the wind!!!

15. Nick (15, 15, 8).  One of the most forgettable contestants in this show's history.  And given that I couldn't name even 30% of the houseguests over the years, that's saying something.

14. Jeremy (14, 14, 5).  I did like the virtual Indy Motor Speedway tat that covered his upper chest.  Other than that?  (jose voice) I got nothin', yo.

13. Kaitlin (13, 10, 13).  Our most recent evicted houseguest, and she went home by a 9-0 vote.  She has a lovely future ahead of her tending bar in the greater Minneapolis area.

12. Jessie (10, 6, 4).  Yes, she's attractive.  Yes, she's possibly the dumbest contestant in this show's history, and again -- (Pause).  What?  (Pause).  Oh -- absolutely, yes!  Sorry about that.  Mr. Voice of Reason, care to explain why calling Jessie "possibly the dumbest contestant in this show's history", has meaning?  You do?  Spectacular!  Fire when ready, sir!

("the voice of reason" voice) IT'S BIG BROTHER!!!

Thank you sir.  And you have no idea how much I am jonesing to hear one of your three best phrases ever*, a week from Friday.

(*: those phrases are, in order according to me: (3) IT'S PRESEASON!  (2) You can never go wrong with monkeys and/or midgets.  And (1) I HATE YOU FRED!!!!!  I'd give you credit for shouting "Sweet Jesus, Ed Hochuli!" to him, and getting the classic "Is that a problem?" laughing response from him ... but I coined the "Sweet Jesus, Ed Hochuli!" line in "The Poem" back in the day.  (Pause).  What?  (Pause).  Oh absolutely, I'm thinking of resurrecting that bad boy every week as part of the picks column!  Consider it done!)

11. Spencer (9, 11, 12).  I hope he goes home this week.  I'm betting it'll be Howard, but I hope this dolt is the goner.

10. Elissa (6, 9, 16).  The step back is a good thing for her.  For the first time, she's not nominated.  For the first time, she's not MVP.  For the first time, she's been able to lay low and work to develop alliances and play the game.  And she's doing it quite well.  Big sis Rachel taught her well.  (Or she taught Rachel really well.  Either way, look out America -- in the words of the late, great American Idol judge Randy Jackson: "yo yo yo dog!  She's in it ... to win it!  That was hot!"  God I'm gonna miss Randy this winter and spring.)

9. Howard (12, 13, 7).  If he survives the live eviction (and I don't think he will), with HoH highly likely to be endurance based (since the last three have been trivia / random luck events that end while the show is still live), he could move up rapidly next week.  He'd be smart to target Helen, if it works out.

8. GinaMarie (5, 5, 11).  Didn't do much this week, but when it's Aryan Nation Week, and you're one of the three confirmed bigots in the house, and one of the two houseguests who will exit to find out they've been fired from their real world jobs due to their racism, that's not a bad thing.

7. McCrae (8, 8, 14).  Look it, I know he's Dingo's guy over at Hamsterwatch, but good grief, this guy annoys me.  At the risk of revealing too much about myself ... this dude has to be the only guy under the age of 40 who doesn't get more excited, more turned on, and finish faster when the camera is on him during intercourse.  Kudos to him for landing Amanda damned near every night.  But for God's sake dude, live it up!  The moment you start to hook up, odds are your family's gonna be at least mildly upset, so just go for it and enjoy the moment!  (Pause).  What?  (Pause).  Are you kidding me, Mr. Non-Existant Site Editor Dude?  I'd finish so fast on live television, Anthony Weiner would be mocking me!

6. Amanda (11, 12, 3).  She has emerged as the house's Voice of Reason, which is either awesome, or horrific.  I'm not sure which yet.  On the one hand, she has no problems whatsoever with living life normally with 50 some odd cameras on her at all times.  On the other hand, that's kind of frightening.

5. Judd (2, 1, 10).  Look it, he's my pony / puppy / rooster / rubber chicken in this contest, and I have no problem admitting that ... but his HoH week was a disaster for him.  His rule was hijacked by others who created the consensus eviction.  He's not good enough to win an endurance, and probably not smart enough to win a memory comp.  But -- he did ask for (and receive) fried chicken, cold beer, and Hootie and the Blowfish music as part of his HoH package.  No wonder he's my rubber chicken in this thing, right Zeus?  (zeus voice) Bark!  Bark!  Bark!

4. Candice (7, 7, 6).  OK, I know exactly one person who was addicted to this show (brantley gilbert voice) back in the day, and that was (go figure) "The Voice of Reason", but if you remember the original "Mole" season twelve years ago?  This chick is like Kathryn (who was the Mole, and the winner and runner up (Steven and Jim) knew it almost immediately ... but liked her so much, they protected her.  Candice?  Strikes me like Kathryn.  I know she's supposed to be the "token angry black chick" ... but I like this chica.  I don't know why ... but I do.  She's my second place hopeful, and my rooting interest if ... ok, fine, when ... Judd is shown the door.

3. Helen (1, 3, 15).  Lost some of her mojo this week, as the other alliance has ruled the game, but avoid nomination, her closest ally (Elissa) is safe, her second closest ally (Candice) is not going to draw a vote tomorrow night, so her coalition looks good at the midpoint.  It'll look really good if Howard can avoid eviction, and win HoH.  Then they can target one of the other two alliances, and boot out McCrae or Aaryn, and truly have the upper hand headed into the home stretch.

2. Andy (3, 4, 9).  My favorite gay guy not named Donnie, or nicknamed Joe Knows Football.  This dude is hilarious.  Every time he opens his mouth, the viewer winds up laughing, because he's absolutely perfect with the one-liners, and at pulling something off that is far more difficult than it sounds -- perfectly stating the obvious in a way that's funny, not condescending.

1. Aaryn (4, 2, 2).  Her funniest moment of the week, came via the Friday email chain with me and "The Voice of Reason".  Mr. Reason noted "she's definitely a low information voter", and figured she voted for Mr. Obama.  My response: "she's from Texas, and she hates black people.  She most definitely did not vote for that man."  It doesn't happen often ... but I left Mr. Reason virtually reply-less.

I'm guessing it won't happen again for another six, seven, maybe eight years.

But Aryan ... I mean, Aaryn?  That's how magical your run has been.  I love you girl.  In a completely, purely, "I'd have sex with you -- anytime you wanted it -- but we'll never be anything more than that, because you're a scary white supremacist that frightens the sh*t out of me", kind of way.  Hell, you scare me in a "just to be safe, because I totally don't trust you took the pill, and I totally don't trust it isn't your happy time of the month -- I'm putting two on, and possibly three" kind of way.

White Power! Week concludes tomorrow with the live eviction.  As a racist HoH is likely to successfully target, and remove, a minority player from the game.

Where's Zingbot 3000 when you truly need him ...

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