"It works for me"
-- Sgt. Rick Hunter.
You had to love that game on Sunday if you're a Chiefs fan. Not only do the Chiefs move to 3-0 for the first time since 2003, not only do the Chiefs take a two game lead in the division for the first time since 2005, you got something that honestly, I hadn't felt inside that stadium since the donkeys game on Thanksgiving night 2006.
I knew there was no way in hell we were losing that game. Never once, for one second, did I worry at all. I said in tailgating that my goal was to "prop the feet up for the second half and get some sun". I might not have propped them up until late in the 3rd quarter, but anytime you can just sit back and treat a Chiefs regular season game like a Royals game or a Chiefs preseason game (aka I'm here for the sun, the company, and the booze, and not necessarily in that order), that game is a winner in my book.
Let's see if I can remember how to do this ...
* Left about 7am. I believe there were 10 of us on the bus ride out, including Tony and Lisa, who came in from Omaha. Also joining us for his first Chiefs game ever was our good buddy Brett. Sadly, none of the ten included Will, who wasn't feeling too hot.
* Also sadly, we realized about halfway to the stadium that we'd left the washer boxes in the garage, so there were no "aw, sh*t!" blasts out of any 5 year olds on Sunday. That's no bueno.
* We were first in line in the far left gate. No sooner did the bus get parked, than our good buddy Justin Robinson from Channel 9 moseyed on over to shoot the sh*t. Not only did Brett make his inaugural appearance at Arrowhead, he made his debut on Kansas City's morning news leader. Good for him.
* After helping myself to the breakfast of champions (bloody mary and cinnamon rolls), I stepped outside ... and it immediately started drizzling, into a steady light rain. I swear. Are we ever going to have a kick ass weather game from start to finish ever again?
* Still there: our good buddy Carl, albeit in a new pickup truck this year. I point this out, because about 8:10am, we're shooting the sh*t with the parking attendant, when Carl makes his patented "nobody's looking, in I go!" move. The parking attendant just kind of laughs. Katie then comes up with the inspired idea to ask "hey, can we head in early too". Parking lady was cool with it. Thus started the mad rush 20 minutes early. Unfortunately, the cone situation is every bit as ridiculous as with the Monday night game. Fortunately, we only took out one cone parking.
* The menu was pretty solid. Burgers, dogs, brats. Plenty of side dishes to enjoy, including the inspired idea of chili. I love me some chili dogs. And some bowls of chili.
* We had some new neighbors this week. Apparently no buses are allowed in the parking lots anymore, so the "KC Chiefs Kick Gr-ass" folks moved next to us into Monty's slot for the week. Our usual neighbors in the white bus were there too to the east, and the Lupercio bus to the east.
What wasn't cool ... was that some bus grabbed Castro and his boys' spot across the way. So ... yeah. We got to party next to Castro all pre and post game. On the bright side ... well, there was no bright side. He didn't have the usual handle of Cuervo. Hopefully he'll remember that next time.
* Speaking of Bizarro World ... no Gregg on Sunday. With good reason -- his first kid was born late Friday night. So congrats to him on the happy news. As a teacher would note, that's an "excused absense".
* Also not there: Dusty and Kellie. Who spent their Chiefs gameday moving. (carlito voice) that's not cool, tito. Its a Chiefs gameday! You can move anytime! You get to witness a 20 plus point Chiefs victory only once every 5 years anymore! (And yes, this was the first 20 plus point Chiefs victory since we destroyed the Rams 37-14 midway through 2006. (spanish bumblebee voice) ay yay yay! no me gusta!!!))
* Headed in about 11:15am. Probably a good thing I wasn't drinking much, because Gregg's mom and dad were there. Had a wonderful 20 minute conversation with them. I couldn't be happier for the newest grandma and grandpa.
* The Bill Grigsby pregame honor was cool. But it sucked to see our Ol' Pardner in a wheelchair. Still, it was great to see this current regime (for once) recognize that there was greatness in this town, and on this team, before they arrived 20 months ago.
* Your national anthem was performed by The Museum. I gotta say, it was pretty damned good.
* Not good? Matt Cassel in the first half. Holy God. There were at least 4 or 5 moments when I literally just shook my head in disgust, and I know I mouthed "holy f*cking Jesus" at least twice at his "pass attempts", including one beauty that sailed 20 yards over D Bowe's head on the sideline. On a 6 yard out pattern.
* I blame myself for Succup's miss from 38. I didn't hit my knees, as per section 132 tradition. I did hit 'em for the second try. Good!
* Dexter McCluster is a freak of speed. I have no idea how the hell he scored on a simple little swing pass from 31 yards out. Just unreal how quick that dude is.
* The D Bowe touchdown was sweet. But left unsaid on either FOX broadcast (be it 101 or the television network) is that the Chiefs ran that play at least twice in the first half, McCluster taking the handoff into a jumbo formation. Perfectly set up.
* Also perfect? Cassel's throw. Also perfect? The reaction, Cassel picking up D Bowe and carrying him halfway to the sidelines. This thing is coming together folks. Unlike 2006, this isn't the last gasp of an era, raging against the clock, trying desperately to hold off the hands of time. This is the beginning of an era.
* Moeaki's touchdown grab. Holy God. As I texted, "tony what? gonzalez who? moeaki!" That was Tony Gonzalez-esque.
* I kept saying the whole second half "these guys don't have a touchdown in them". I was :03 away from nailing that one.
* So the Chiefs sit at 3-0, two clear of the division. But it's not just that, that has me excited. It's not even the fact that everyone is saying "nobody saw this coming!", when all you have to do is click on my 2010 season predictions, where I predicted every effing game, and see I had the Chiefs at 3-0 at the bye.
What has me fired up, is what the rest of the division is facing the next few weeks. denver travels to Tennessee and Baltimore the next two weeks. Pencil them in for 1-4, with the Jets coming to fake mile high after that? oakland hosts Houston and San Diego. Pencil them in at 1-4?
And San Diego, yes, they go vs Arizona / at oakland the next two weeks, and should get to 3-2 ... but Norv Turner is capable of losing any game. And while we have 14 games in common (we have the exact same home / road split of non-divisional foes as San Diego) ... their two non-common games are vs Patriots and at Bengals (on a Monday night in December to boot). Our two non-common games are at Browns (already won), and vs Bills.
No matter what happens in the next two games, the Chiefs are guaranteed to be in first place when they return to Arrowhead on October 24th against a Jaguars team that is a miracle lightning-strike delay away from being 0-3 right now. And after the Jags come Buffalo at home and oakland on the road, where we haven't lost since before Larry Johnson was drafted.
I don't want to get too far ahead of myself ... but look at our remaining schedule. Look at how this team is getting better every week. And will continue to do so, as the young players get more NFL-savvy. If Berry, Dex, Moeaki and Arenas are performing this week in week three, how good are they going to be come late November?
Sunday, for the first time in a long time, every Chiefs fan should have left that stadium with a reasonable expectation that this is a playoff squad. And every Chiefs fan should have left that stadium with the knowledge that this is a force on the rise. Happy days are here again guys (and gals). Enjoy it!
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Thursday, September 23, 2010
the week three predictions
"Well I'll remember you,
And the things that we used to do,
And the things that we used to say,
I'll remember you always ..."
-- "Perfect Memory" by Remy Zero.
So let me open the picks with what I wanted to say about last Monday's monumental, potentially season-establishing victory over the San Diego "Super" Chargers.
(And a quick apology: I had 29 texts from 11 different people throughout the game. As Susan, Russ, Mona, Dusty and the lovely KB can attest, my phone died before kickoff. So I couldn't reply. Sorry about that).
(And one other quick apology: you're not getting a full recap. At least anytime soon. After reading, and re-reading, and editing, and re-editing what I wanted to say, I thought it wasn't good enough. So I'm just gonna toss out the main point I wanted to make. Which was this:)
10:38pm: from Heath -- "it sounds like old times in there!"
And for the better part of a day, that was gonna be my hook. Happy days are here again. Only ... Heath was wrong.
As was anyone else who noted it felt like the "good old days" in there.
If you were there for that amazing, tear-inducing goalline stand in the final minute, think of who was around you. (I know who was around me -- my fellow tailgaters Katie, Will and Tyler moved down for the fateful final series).
More specifically, think of who wasn't there. Granted, it was 12:20 in the morning. It had been raining pretty heavily for the previous 2 plus hours. And yet, 55,000 plus were still there. The lower bowl was jammed packed. The upper deck was still well represented. Somehow, even the club level looked fuller.
But again, I ask the question, who was there? And who wasn't?
Which is why I think Heath, and the KC Star, and countless other folks are dead wrong.
Last Monday wasn't the "good old days". It was the start of the "good new days".
Because the folks that stood to the end, were us. The under 40 crowd. The new generation of die-hard Chiefs fans. Its our time now.
The generation that literally built Arrowhead, has come and gone. The generation that rebuilt Arrowhead, into the most feared facility in the NFL, has exited stage left. Its our job now to make that place into "Terrorhead" once again.
Last Monday was one helluva start. But it was only that, a start.
Come Sunday, its our time to shine again. "Terrorhead" wasn't built overnight in the 1990s. It didn't fall apart overnight in the 2000s. And it won't be rebuilt overnight in the 2010s. It's gonna take effort, dedication, and passion like what we saw on Monday.
More coming on this in the Chiefs prediction below ... beginning with the real "anthem" for week three of the NFL and Chiefs season ...
--------------------------
"I cannot take this anymore.
Saying everything I've said before.
All these words, they make no sense.
I've found bliss in ignorance.
The less I hear, the less you say.
You'll find that out anyways.
(Just like before ...)
Everything you say to me
(Takes me one step closer to the edge!)
And I'm about to break!
I need a little room to breathe!
(Cause I'm one step closer to the edge!)
And I'm about to break!"
-- Linkin Park, "One Step Closer".
Last Week SU: 8-8-0
Season to Date SU: 21-11-0
Last Week ATS: 9-6-1
Season to Date ATS: 17-13-2
Last Week Upset / Week: oy vey.
Season to Date Upset / Week: 0-2.
This Week's Upset / Week: I've held off as long as I could. (old school steve prediction voice) take a mother f*cking guess.
The Irrelevant Picks:
* Titans (+3) 27, at Giants 20.
* at Patriots (-14) 63, Bills 3.
* at Ravens (-10 1/2) 41, Browns 0.
* at Bucs (+2 1/2) 6, Steelers 0.
* Bengals (-3) 31, at Panthers 20.
* Falcons (+4) 34, at Saints 30.
* at Vikings (-10 1/2) 16, Lions 0.
* Cowboys (+3) 34, at Texans 20.
* Redskins (-3 1/2) 24, at Rams 10.
* at Jaguars (+3) 31, Eagles 24.
* at Bears (+3) 38, Packers 31.
The AFC West Picks:
* at Seahawks (+5 1/2) 31, Chargers 14.
* at Cardinals (-4) 20, raiders 3.
* at broncos (+5 1/2) 31, Colts 28.
The Jets Prediction:
* at Dolphins (-2) 27, Jets 24. They own us.
The Chiefs Prediction:
Its simple folks. If we show up and do our jobs, we will win.
If Arrowhead is 75% as loud on Sunday as it was last Monday, the Chiefs win by 20. If there's one thing I believe in, its the fans of this team. We proved last Monday that the last three years won't hold us down. Just give us a reason to show up and root like holy hell for you, and we will.
Fellow readers, they've given us that reason. This team is undefeated. It sits alone in first place for the first time in four years. They've given you everything you could ask for so far.
So do your part. Like they've done theirs. Show up. Tailgate. Be loud. Make an impact. If you need a place to tailgate, you know where we're at. (If you don't, its Lot G, due north of the G30 sign. Or call me to save you a spot).
Let's fill that stadium with 70,000 plus Chiefs fans, and send the 49ers season spiraling out of control. And send ours spiraling two clear of the field entering the bye.
at Chiefs (+2 1/2) 44, 49ers 9. Dear God, what I wouldn't give to see DJ deliver an Anthony Davis moment on Sunday afternoon ...
And the things that we used to do,
And the things that we used to say,
I'll remember you always ..."
-- "Perfect Memory" by Remy Zero.
So let me open the picks with what I wanted to say about last Monday's monumental, potentially season-establishing victory over the San Diego "Super" Chargers.
(And a quick apology: I had 29 texts from 11 different people throughout the game. As Susan, Russ, Mona, Dusty and the lovely KB can attest, my phone died before kickoff. So I couldn't reply. Sorry about that).
(And one other quick apology: you're not getting a full recap. At least anytime soon. After reading, and re-reading, and editing, and re-editing what I wanted to say, I thought it wasn't good enough. So I'm just gonna toss out the main point I wanted to make. Which was this:)
10:38pm: from Heath -- "it sounds like old times in there!"
And for the better part of a day, that was gonna be my hook. Happy days are here again. Only ... Heath was wrong.
As was anyone else who noted it felt like the "good old days" in there.
If you were there for that amazing, tear-inducing goalline stand in the final minute, think of who was around you. (I know who was around me -- my fellow tailgaters Katie, Will and Tyler moved down for the fateful final series).
More specifically, think of who wasn't there. Granted, it was 12:20 in the morning. It had been raining pretty heavily for the previous 2 plus hours. And yet, 55,000 plus were still there. The lower bowl was jammed packed. The upper deck was still well represented. Somehow, even the club level looked fuller.
But again, I ask the question, who was there? And who wasn't?
Which is why I think Heath, and the KC Star, and countless other folks are dead wrong.
Last Monday wasn't the "good old days". It was the start of the "good new days".
Because the folks that stood to the end, were us. The under 40 crowd. The new generation of die-hard Chiefs fans. Its our time now.
The generation that literally built Arrowhead, has come and gone. The generation that rebuilt Arrowhead, into the most feared facility in the NFL, has exited stage left. Its our job now to make that place into "Terrorhead" once again.
Last Monday was one helluva start. But it was only that, a start.
Come Sunday, its our time to shine again. "Terrorhead" wasn't built overnight in the 1990s. It didn't fall apart overnight in the 2000s. And it won't be rebuilt overnight in the 2010s. It's gonna take effort, dedication, and passion like what we saw on Monday.
More coming on this in the Chiefs prediction below ... beginning with the real "anthem" for week three of the NFL and Chiefs season ...
--------------------------
"I cannot take this anymore.
Saying everything I've said before.
All these words, they make no sense.
I've found bliss in ignorance.
The less I hear, the less you say.
You'll find that out anyways.
(Just like before ...)
Everything you say to me
(Takes me one step closer to the edge!)
And I'm about to break!
I need a little room to breathe!
(Cause I'm one step closer to the edge!)
And I'm about to break!"
-- Linkin Park, "One Step Closer".
Last Week SU: 8-8-0
Season to Date SU: 21-11-0
Last Week ATS: 9-6-1
Season to Date ATS: 17-13-2
Last Week Upset / Week: oy vey.
Season to Date Upset / Week: 0-2.
This Week's Upset / Week: I've held off as long as I could. (old school steve prediction voice) take a mother f*cking guess.
The Irrelevant Picks:
* Titans (+3) 27, at Giants 20.
* at Patriots (-14) 63, Bills 3.
* at Ravens (-10 1/2) 41, Browns 0.
* at Bucs (+2 1/2) 6, Steelers 0.
* Bengals (-3) 31, at Panthers 20.
* Falcons (+4) 34, at Saints 30.
* at Vikings (-10 1/2) 16, Lions 0.
* Cowboys (+3) 34, at Texans 20.
* Redskins (-3 1/2) 24, at Rams 10.
* at Jaguars (+3) 31, Eagles 24.
* at Bears (+3) 38, Packers 31.
The AFC West Picks:
* at Seahawks (+5 1/2) 31, Chargers 14.
* at Cardinals (-4) 20, raiders 3.
* at broncos (+5 1/2) 31, Colts 28.
The Jets Prediction:
* at Dolphins (-2) 27, Jets 24. They own us.
The Chiefs Prediction:
Its simple folks. If we show up and do our jobs, we will win.
If Arrowhead is 75% as loud on Sunday as it was last Monday, the Chiefs win by 20. If there's one thing I believe in, its the fans of this team. We proved last Monday that the last three years won't hold us down. Just give us a reason to show up and root like holy hell for you, and we will.
Fellow readers, they've given us that reason. This team is undefeated. It sits alone in first place for the first time in four years. They've given you everything you could ask for so far.
So do your part. Like they've done theirs. Show up. Tailgate. Be loud. Make an impact. If you need a place to tailgate, you know where we're at. (If you don't, its Lot G, due north of the G30 sign. Or call me to save you a spot).
Let's fill that stadium with 70,000 plus Chiefs fans, and send the 49ers season spiraling out of control. And send ours spiraling two clear of the field entering the bye.
at Chiefs (+2 1/2) 44, 49ers 9. Dear God, what I wouldn't give to see DJ deliver an Anthony Davis moment on Sunday afternoon ...
Monday, September 20, 2010
criqui! buerelein! let's track the gaffes!
I debated doing a live blog ... but thought it would be more entertaining to track my least favorite broadcasting team ever's numerous gaffes, outrageous statements, and blatantly false allegations instead.
1st Quarter:
14:31 -- Buerelein on the Browns winning their last four games: "We've never seen anything like it".
14:06 -- Criqui: "Cassel pitches the ball" on a 4 yard forward pass.
13:00 -- Buerelein identifies it as 3rd down on 3 separate occasions. It wasn't, it was 2nd down, as Criqui kept noting. Even after the penalty and resulting play for a first down, Buerelein AGAIN identifies it as "3rd and 8, turned into 3rd and 3, resulting in the first down". There was never a 3rd down in this sequence of events.
11:06 -- Criqui: "Charles lines up in the Browns backfield". To his credit, he immediately corrects himself.
9:21 -- Buerelein: "There's no way Kansas City isn't going to challenge that", on a fumble recovered by the Chiefs.
9:19 -- Buerelein, during the challenge: "There is no way this play will not be overturned, his left elbow was clearly down, ending the play". The fumble was upheld.
9:11 -- Criqui: "Cassel, a very nimble passer, gets out of bounds" on a six yard scramble. A very nimble passer?!?!
8:56 -- field goal good. Chiefs 3, Browns 0.
8:40 -- for the record, I love Seneca's tat on his left arm. I have no clue what it is, but it looks neat.
8:03 -- Buerelein: "Cribbs under center, and if he uses those legs, he can get some yards". Cribbs was lined up at wide receiver. To his credit, Buerelein corrected his mistake 11 seconds later, after an incomplete pass intended for Cribbs.
6:38 -- Criqui: "Wallace ... puts a bit too much on it" as his pass sails way out of bounds. For the record, Wallace was drilled by DJ on the play as he threw. Of COURSE it will sail way out of bounds.
6:23 -- Criqui: "Seneca Wallace looked like Steve Buerelein on that play!" It was intended as a compliment, believe it or not.
5:23 -- the circle on the replay mis-identified who the false start was on.
4:52 -- Cassel looks awful. Absolutely awful. Criqui: "Chiefs fans were literally coming through your screen on that Monday night game at Arrowhead"
4:20 -- and as soon as I say that, Cassel completes a 15 yarder to Chambers, a 16 yarder to Moeaki, both in stride and perfectly thrown. So ... Cassel looks awful. Absolutely awful.
3:38 -- Criqui: "The ball is live at the 40" as it is still mid-air. Sweet Jesus.
3:24 -- Buerelein: "Matt Cassel has GOT to get rid of this football!" The first intelligent thing to come out of his mouth in decades. Cassel looks awful. Absolutely awful.
2:39 -- A Dusty C punt of beauty, downed inside the 5. Penalty moves it to the 2. Unsaid by Don and Steve so far, the Chiefs have started 2 of 3 drives inside their 10. Both of those drives, they wound up punting, but not before reaching their own 40. The Chiefs are doing the little things that need to be done to win this game.
2:05 -- Criqui: "Its still a 3-0 game". Its not like we're 2 hours in at this point ...
0:22 -- I really, really like Seneca's tat. I'm guessing its out of my price range, but I really like it.
0:09 -- Criqui and Buerelein are openly rooting for Cleveland in the booth. They point out this drive started at their own 2 (while ignoring what the Chiefs did on their previous drives). They're openly verbally fellating hitting receivers so wide open, that even I could complete the pass. And I haven't completed a successful pass since ... uuh ...
Quarter 1 comes to an end. Chiefs 3, Browns 0. Browns have 1st and goal at KC 8 to open the 2nd.
2nd Quarter:
14:47 -- Buerelein can't figure out why Wallace would run a formation called the "Cyclone". Sweet Jesus.
14:02 -- Buerelein calls a one yard run that went nowhere a "very well executed play by the Cleveland Browns". 3rd and goal at the 5.
13:43 -- that last play was apparently so well executed, that the Browns piss away a 2nd timeout to regroup.
13:25 -- Browns bailed out by an illegal contact call. On second look, it was blatant. Stupid decision by Vrabel. 1st and goal again for Cleveland, now at the 2.
13:02 -- Criqui again reminds us this drive started at the Browns 2. Thanks, Don, I didn't already know that.
12:31 -- piss poor secondary tackling by the Chiefs. Touchdown to the biggest deuche walking the planet, former donkey patrick hillis. I hate that guy. He killed us in their rally to beat us at fake mile high in 2008. I really, really, really hate that guy.
Browns 7, Chiefs 3, 12:31 to go in the first half.
12:24 -- the Sharp TV ad with George Takei! Oooooh, my! The coolest gay guy on the planet, hands down.
12:24 -- still in commercial. I'm torn on "Boardwalk Empire". I'm probably the only "Sopranos" fan alive that hates Steve Buscemi. On the other hand, I'm all in on Blossom on "Big Bang Theory". Sweet.
11:29 -- what was Fujita smoking, to leave New Orleans for Cleveland? Voluntarily?
10:45 -- big defensive stand upcoming for KC. Browns ball, 1st and 10, at their own 27. Gotta keep this as close as you can.
10:03 -- TaINT! TaINT! Sweet Jesus! Is Delhomme under center?!?! Brandon Flowers touchdown!
(That's Touchdown after INTerception for those scoring at home).
Chiefs 10, Browns 7, 10:03 to go in the half.
10:02 -- I won't be drunk enough most nights to watch Jim Belushi and Jerry O'Connell in a show about sleazy Vegas lawyers. OK, I lie. I will be drunk enough. I just won't tune in.
9:57 -- not one word of praise for the defense, only criticism for the Browns QB. Who says CBS is unbiased!
8:43 -- outstanding play call by Cleveland. 65 yard TD, Wallace to Cribbs. Buerelein: "Eric Berry reacting late and trying to prevent it ..." Only, it wasn't Berry -- it was Brandon Carr on the coverage. Apparently Steve can't differentiate between a "2" and a "3" as the first number on a jersey.
Browns 14, Chiefs 10, 8:43 to go in the half.
8:42 -- The Bieber is on CSI! I'm all in on that one too!
8:42 -- Buerelein: "We'll see exactly what Eric Berry did to let that happen", as the replays show once again, that Brandon Carr was in coverage.
8:31 -- I wish someone at CBS Sports would "discipline" this atrocious announcing crew.
7:52 -- some will queue the QB controversy after that. I won't. Going 40 yards downfield on 3rd and long, even picked as that one was, is no worse than a punt. I wish more teams would realize that. You don't lose anything there. Bad pass, sure, but it's no worse than a punt as the net result.
7:52 -- Criqui: "The interception by Wallace inspired the Browns!" Sweet Jesus.
7:18 -- Browns piss away their 3rd and final timeout. Let's hope something shady happens in the Chiefs favor, so they can't challenge in the next 5:18.
7:18 -- Steve, the last time we drafted a DB from Tennessee in round one, he only won NFL Rookie of the Year and was a multiple Pro Bowler for both us and denver. I'll take my chances on Berry.
6:33 -- Criqui: "Oh man what a catch!" On an obvious didn't get two feet down pass. Browns to punt. Huge stand by KC there.
6:26 -- both Criqui and Buerelein now fellating Berry for his safety blitz that forced the bad pass.
5:27 -- Criqui calls a swing pass an "out pattern". Either way, first down KC.
4:32 -- Buerelein: "One of the problems Eric Mangini faced was this red ball offense by the Chiefs". What the f*ck is a "red ball offense"? And is it more impotent than a "blue ball offense"?
4:30 -- its 2010 CBS. Just call it what it is. "Shit my Dad Says". If some right wing-nut organization hates it, just remind them that their precious diety, George W. Bush, called a NY Times reporter an "ass" to his face. That, or remind them that "ass" appears in their Bible.
4:13 -- Cassel is struggling, but you don't make the move yet. Chiefs to punt.
3:58 -- CBS is not showing the first down marker on most live plays. I guess everyone is cutting the budget nowadays.
2:15 -- Criqui: "Every Chiefs draft choice last year was the captain of his college team". Wonderful. How many of them played for even a DIVISION winner last year? Character is so f*cking overrated. Find the best 53 guys you can, suit 45 of 'em up, and manage. Because even the sleaziest of athletes will show up when the games count.
0:57 -- awful INT by Cassel. Tipped and picked.
0:16 -- awful missed FG by Dawson. Assume we're headed to the half.
And we are. Browns 14, Chiefs 10, halftime.
Half -- Criqui can't focus on the camera. He's clearly looking for a cue card. And he's visibly struggling to get the words out.
Chiefs get the ball to start the 2nd half.
3rd Quarter:
15:00 -- Buerelein: "Cassel saying what in the world do I have to do to catch a break". How about toss the ball like a NFL caliber QB?
14:55 -- I am now confident about this game. Don just started spouting out record stats and what they mean towards playoff berths. The last time he did this for us, was 2006, when he noted 5-3 teams always make the playoffs. We did.
13:52 -- Buerelein is just pulling "West Coast Offense" terminology out of his ass.
12:13 -- Buerelein: "He's gonna find a way to lay the wood on someone".
11:27 -- clutch 1st down catch by D Bowe. Hope somebody bought him a self-employed model for the hotel room tonight for that clutch reception.
10:17 -- Coach Asshat not wearing a headset. Good. Also congratulating players as they leave the field. Again, good.
9:25 -- I HATE that 3rd down call. Why pitch it on 3rd and 1? What good comes of that? Fall forward! Predictably, we lose 2. Field goal try upcoming.
8:45 -- Browns 14, Chiefs 13. We're in it. Hopefully to win it.
8:39 -- Buerelein: "Welcome back to Cleveland". Are those the four worst words in the English language? Other than (maury povich voice) "you are the father!", of course.
7:39 -- Buerelein just called Criqui "Dan".
7:14 -- tough penalty upcoming on the Chiefs. Lower the helmet kid. Lower the helmet. For God's sake, don't lead with it. Should have been 3 and out. Now its Browns first down at midfield.
6:16 -- Buerelein: "This Derrick Johnson, he's a heck of a football player". A fact that everyone other than Coach Asshat knows.
5:47 -- Criqui: "Long ball! Too much on it". That's at least the fifth time he's said that today about a Seneca pass. Buerelein just advised that Wallace put "a little bit more air on that ball, then Robiske could have made the play". Uuh, Stevo? He overshot the pass by 15 yards. What good does putting MORE air under the ball do?
5:41 -- Criqui and Buerelein botch an obvious touchback, praising the ball being downed at the 1. And we go to commercial with them in shock that a player whose foot was on the end zone line was ineligible to touch the ball in the field of play.
5:41 -- coming back from break, Buerelein rips Haden for a play he just fellated him over (the touchback / downed at the 1). Charles takes a screen for 20 to open the series.
5:02 -- since neither Tweedle Dum or Tweedle Dum F*ck will mention this, this is the 3rd drive already today that KC has started at its 20 or worse, and advanced to midfield. If the Chiefs win this game, do NOT underestimate this. Huge changes in field position.
3:54 -- that's a play you call only if you're going for it on 4th down. 4th and 1 at the Browns 40.
3:26 -- Coach Asshat is punting. It was the Browns 44, not 40. Still, I strongly disagree with this decision. And that's why, the touchback. A 24 yard punt, versus a chance to take the lead by going for it. Gutless football.
0:00 -- if you had 3:13 in the "Steve and Gregg's first text message verbal argument" pool, you're a winner. Also, Damien checks in: "Cassel is a waste as well". I don't have a comeback yet to that.
End 3rd: Browns 14, Chiefs 13, 3rd and 13 for Cleveland at their own 27 upcoming.
4th Quarter:
15:00 -- false start Browns. Now 3rd and 18. The 3rd quarter stats were brutal, neither team topped 100 yards in offense, and the Browns didn't crack 30.
15:00 -- Buerelein: "I'd call something pretty conservative here". I STRONGLY disagree. On 3rd and 18, air it out! Go deep! What do you have to lose? An INT 50 yards downfield is probably better than a punt.
14:12 -- hate to say it, but Javier Arenas got ... (keyshawn voice) JACKED UP! Chiefs ball, their own 25ish, 1st and 10.
14:12 -- Jimmie Johnson, Kyle Busch, and Kurt Busch all in an incident at Louden. And all held it together. Unbelievable. Could have completely turned the Chase upside down. Instead, just a caution.
14:12 -- Criqui: "Its a beautiful Indian summer day in Northern Ohio". Oy.
14:00 -- Criqui: "Is your fantasy football site letting you down?" No, but my sh*tty commentators are.
13:32 -- Criqui: "Dwayne Bowe can take a punch!" Uuh, if there was a punch thrown, where was the flag? And Buerelein's off on his "red ball" tangent again. Sweet Jesus.
12:48 -- this is just about the most boring 14-13 game I've ever watched.
12:08 -- Chiefs piss away a timeout. That's ok -- you can waste one in the 2nd half. That, and this is a huge 3rd and 4 at midfield.
12:08 -- one of THE greatest underrated movies of all time just came on ABC Family. (Yeah, I'm channel surfing). "Love and Basketball". Sadly, it will be edited given the network its on ... but damn, this movie rocks. The penultimate scene, "Hey -- double or nothing." Jesus, I'd kill to feel for a girl like that someday. Or today.
12:02 -- That's why you hire Chuck Weis. What a GREAT delayed draw to Charles. First down. Buerelein is off again on the "red ball". Timeout Cleveland, we clearly stunned them.
11:37 -- Buerelein again on the "red ball". What the f*ck is "red ball offense"?
11:28 -- interesting decision upcoming on this 3rd and 6. Call a run and try the 50 yarder to take the lead, or air it out. Not one word on this from our commentators.
10:46 -- Tony who? Gonzalez what? Moeaki, first down!
10:13 -- Criqui saying "Here's Cassel!" reminds me of Randy Quaid in "Independence Day". "Hello boys! I'm baaaaaaa-ck!!!!!"
9:35 -- FULL HOUSE BACKFIELD! Holy sh*t, somewhere Barry Switzer and Tom Osborne just smiled! Easy 15 yard completion to Chambers. Three running backs! Awesome!
8:23 -- Criqui: "Thomas Jones is Stone Walled!" Would really be neat if his name was Thomas Jackson.
7:49 -- Criqui: "A wisely used timeout by Matt Cassel". Uuh, no it wasn't. There were 5-6 seconds left on the play clock. Yes, its 3rd and goal, but if you take the penalty there and save the timeout, at least half the time, that's the smarter play. 3rd and goal at the 5 upcoming, Chiefs down to one TO (and the 2 minute warning). Still Browns 14, Chiefs 13.
7:49 -- commercial: "Subway, where winners eat". I've never computed Jared as a winner.
7:41 -- Chiefs 16, Browns 14. Succup gimme FG. Plenty o'time to go though. Criqui: "Eric Mangini needs offense". God forbid any one of these two deuches say "Todd Haley needs defense". Buerelein: "Neither of these teams view themselves as a playoff team at this point". Uuh, ask Coach Asshat about that statement, Steve. Buerelein: "KC surprised itself with a win over San Diego last week". Again, talk to Coach Asshat and Arrowhead Nation about that one, you f*cking knob.
7:35 -- Buerelein expressing shock that the Chiefs keyed on the run today.
7:04 -- this game is so playing out like the last (and only other) time we face Seneca, vs Seattle in 2006.
6:56 -- blatant hold they got awa -- nope, refs get it. Obvious hold on Hali by Joe Thomas.
6:52 -- loving how Criqui is "confirming" Buerelein's statements. Case in point, Steve: "2nd and 20". Don: "2nd down it is!"
6:22 -- Criqui: "He just can't get to it!" The ball was overthrown by 15 yards minimum. Great blitz by Berry. Not one word of praise for the Chiefs D.
6:12 -- Criqui: "Coming up next: the Patriots take aim at the Jets!" Oh believe me Don, I know. Buerelein: "You talk about a must win situation!" Oh believe me Steve, I know. I freaking know.
5:20 -- bullshit roughing the passer call! We'll take it!
5:12 -- Criqui: "Time becoming a factor now". Ya think?
5:00 -- wow. This half, Chiefs have run 24 plays in Cleveland territory, the Browns have run 3 in Chiefs territory. Unreal.
3:55 -- interesting. 3rd Chiefs timeout before 3rd and 2, after bleeding the clock. I'm not upset about it, but its interesting. If they convert this, its all good. If they don't, that's three wasted TO's in a half ...
3:50 -- great Browns D play. If that pass slips over his hand, its a 30 yard gain. Chiefs to punt.
3:41 -- downed at the 5. Solid effort. Dammit though, if Cassel could have slipped that pass in to Moeaki. It wasn't Cassel's fault, he floated it. Just a great defensive reaction by Maiava by Cleveland.
3:34 -- gain of 5. 2nd and 5. Clock running.
3:10 -- sack! Wallace Gilberry! 3rd and 10, clock running.
2:46 -- Criqui: "Lofted out there, caught! Massaquoia!" as the ball hits the ground. 4th and 10. I think you punt this with two timeouts and the 2 minute warning. Browns are punting.
2:41 -- Chiefs take over at the Browns 42. Two first downs seals it. One ought to end it, depending on what down we gain it on.
2:37 -- TJ gets 4. 2nd and 6, time out Cleveland.
2:28 and counting -- TJ gets 4 more. 3rd and 2. Finally a TO at the 2:24 mark. Reset that to 2:32, actually. I'd have let it run to the 2 minute warning personally. An extra 2-3 seconds on the other side doesn't matter if you get the fumble and save your last TO.
2:27 -- its close. I think he's just short. Its 4th and less than a foot. This is ball-check time.
2:00 -- Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
2:00 -- Someone should kick Coach Asshat in the nuts to confirm he has a pair, especially if he opts to punt. 4th and less than a foot, Browns 36. You convert, you win. You fail, deal with it, its no worse than a 16 yd net punt.
2:00 -- holy sh*t! Gregg: "I actually agree in this case". When the Voice of Reason says "go!" you f*cking go!
1:53 -- its close. Its damned close. TJ with the dive.
1:53 -- Criqui: "A first down, in effect, ends the game". Ya think?
1:53 -- this is DAMNED close.
1:53 -- YES! YES! YES!! YES!!!!!!!!!! By two inches at most!
1:53 -- its a booth review. Sweet Jesus. Buerelein is absolutely convinced TJ is short. He tries drawing a straight line, and fails miserably. Even Criqui is mocking his attempt to draw a line on the screen, and I’m damned sure Don is blowing a .16 if given a Breathalyzer right now.
1:53 -- its over! Booth review upholds the spot! Two kneel downs to win!
1:16 -- there's the first.
0:34 -- and the last. Chiefs win! Chiefs win! I trust you all will "come and worship" at the First Church of Arrowhead next Sunday ...
1st Quarter:
14:31 -- Buerelein on the Browns winning their last four games: "We've never seen anything like it".
14:06 -- Criqui: "Cassel pitches the ball" on a 4 yard forward pass.
13:00 -- Buerelein identifies it as 3rd down on 3 separate occasions. It wasn't, it was 2nd down, as Criqui kept noting. Even after the penalty and resulting play for a first down, Buerelein AGAIN identifies it as "3rd and 8, turned into 3rd and 3, resulting in the first down". There was never a 3rd down in this sequence of events.
11:06 -- Criqui: "Charles lines up in the Browns backfield". To his credit, he immediately corrects himself.
9:21 -- Buerelein: "There's no way Kansas City isn't going to challenge that", on a fumble recovered by the Chiefs.
9:19 -- Buerelein, during the challenge: "There is no way this play will not be overturned, his left elbow was clearly down, ending the play". The fumble was upheld.
9:11 -- Criqui: "Cassel, a very nimble passer, gets out of bounds" on a six yard scramble. A very nimble passer?!?!
8:56 -- field goal good. Chiefs 3, Browns 0.
8:40 -- for the record, I love Seneca's tat on his left arm. I have no clue what it is, but it looks neat.
8:03 -- Buerelein: "Cribbs under center, and if he uses those legs, he can get some yards". Cribbs was lined up at wide receiver. To his credit, Buerelein corrected his mistake 11 seconds later, after an incomplete pass intended for Cribbs.
6:38 -- Criqui: "Wallace ... puts a bit too much on it" as his pass sails way out of bounds. For the record, Wallace was drilled by DJ on the play as he threw. Of COURSE it will sail way out of bounds.
6:23 -- Criqui: "Seneca Wallace looked like Steve Buerelein on that play!" It was intended as a compliment, believe it or not.
5:23 -- the circle on the replay mis-identified who the false start was on.
4:52 -- Cassel looks awful. Absolutely awful. Criqui: "Chiefs fans were literally coming through your screen on that Monday night game at Arrowhead"
4:20 -- and as soon as I say that, Cassel completes a 15 yarder to Chambers, a 16 yarder to Moeaki, both in stride and perfectly thrown. So ... Cassel looks awful. Absolutely awful.
3:38 -- Criqui: "The ball is live at the 40" as it is still mid-air. Sweet Jesus.
3:24 -- Buerelein: "Matt Cassel has GOT to get rid of this football!" The first intelligent thing to come out of his mouth in decades. Cassel looks awful. Absolutely awful.
2:39 -- A Dusty C punt of beauty, downed inside the 5. Penalty moves it to the 2. Unsaid by Don and Steve so far, the Chiefs have started 2 of 3 drives inside their 10. Both of those drives, they wound up punting, but not before reaching their own 40. The Chiefs are doing the little things that need to be done to win this game.
2:05 -- Criqui: "Its still a 3-0 game". Its not like we're 2 hours in at this point ...
0:22 -- I really, really like Seneca's tat. I'm guessing its out of my price range, but I really like it.
0:09 -- Criqui and Buerelein are openly rooting for Cleveland in the booth. They point out this drive started at their own 2 (while ignoring what the Chiefs did on their previous drives). They're openly verbally fellating hitting receivers so wide open, that even I could complete the pass. And I haven't completed a successful pass since ... uuh ...
Quarter 1 comes to an end. Chiefs 3, Browns 0. Browns have 1st and goal at KC 8 to open the 2nd.
2nd Quarter:
14:47 -- Buerelein can't figure out why Wallace would run a formation called the "Cyclone". Sweet Jesus.
14:02 -- Buerelein calls a one yard run that went nowhere a "very well executed play by the Cleveland Browns". 3rd and goal at the 5.
13:43 -- that last play was apparently so well executed, that the Browns piss away a 2nd timeout to regroup.
13:25 -- Browns bailed out by an illegal contact call. On second look, it was blatant. Stupid decision by Vrabel. 1st and goal again for Cleveland, now at the 2.
13:02 -- Criqui again reminds us this drive started at the Browns 2. Thanks, Don, I didn't already know that.
12:31 -- piss poor secondary tackling by the Chiefs. Touchdown to the biggest deuche walking the planet, former donkey patrick hillis. I hate that guy. He killed us in their rally to beat us at fake mile high in 2008. I really, really, really hate that guy.
Browns 7, Chiefs 3, 12:31 to go in the first half.
12:24 -- the Sharp TV ad with George Takei! Oooooh, my! The coolest gay guy on the planet, hands down.
12:24 -- still in commercial. I'm torn on "Boardwalk Empire". I'm probably the only "Sopranos" fan alive that hates Steve Buscemi. On the other hand, I'm all in on Blossom on "Big Bang Theory". Sweet.
11:29 -- what was Fujita smoking, to leave New Orleans for Cleveland? Voluntarily?
10:45 -- big defensive stand upcoming for KC. Browns ball, 1st and 10, at their own 27. Gotta keep this as close as you can.
10:03 -- TaINT! TaINT! Sweet Jesus! Is Delhomme under center?!?! Brandon Flowers touchdown!
(That's Touchdown after INTerception for those scoring at home).
Chiefs 10, Browns 7, 10:03 to go in the half.
10:02 -- I won't be drunk enough most nights to watch Jim Belushi and Jerry O'Connell in a show about sleazy Vegas lawyers. OK, I lie. I will be drunk enough. I just won't tune in.
9:57 -- not one word of praise for the defense, only criticism for the Browns QB. Who says CBS is unbiased!
8:43 -- outstanding play call by Cleveland. 65 yard TD, Wallace to Cribbs. Buerelein: "Eric Berry reacting late and trying to prevent it ..." Only, it wasn't Berry -- it was Brandon Carr on the coverage. Apparently Steve can't differentiate between a "2" and a "3" as the first number on a jersey.
Browns 14, Chiefs 10, 8:43 to go in the half.
8:42 -- The Bieber is on CSI! I'm all in on that one too!
8:42 -- Buerelein: "We'll see exactly what Eric Berry did to let that happen", as the replays show once again, that Brandon Carr was in coverage.
8:31 -- I wish someone at CBS Sports would "discipline" this atrocious announcing crew.
7:52 -- some will queue the QB controversy after that. I won't. Going 40 yards downfield on 3rd and long, even picked as that one was, is no worse than a punt. I wish more teams would realize that. You don't lose anything there. Bad pass, sure, but it's no worse than a punt as the net result.
7:52 -- Criqui: "The interception by Wallace inspired the Browns!" Sweet Jesus.
7:18 -- Browns piss away their 3rd and final timeout. Let's hope something shady happens in the Chiefs favor, so they can't challenge in the next 5:18.
7:18 -- Steve, the last time we drafted a DB from Tennessee in round one, he only won NFL Rookie of the Year and was a multiple Pro Bowler for both us and denver. I'll take my chances on Berry.
6:33 -- Criqui: "Oh man what a catch!" On an obvious didn't get two feet down pass. Browns to punt. Huge stand by KC there.
6:26 -- both Criqui and Buerelein now fellating Berry for his safety blitz that forced the bad pass.
5:27 -- Criqui calls a swing pass an "out pattern". Either way, first down KC.
4:32 -- Buerelein: "One of the problems Eric Mangini faced was this red ball offense by the Chiefs". What the f*ck is a "red ball offense"? And is it more impotent than a "blue ball offense"?
4:30 -- its 2010 CBS. Just call it what it is. "Shit my Dad Says". If some right wing-nut organization hates it, just remind them that their precious diety, George W. Bush, called a NY Times reporter an "ass" to his face. That, or remind them that "ass" appears in their Bible.
4:13 -- Cassel is struggling, but you don't make the move yet. Chiefs to punt.
3:58 -- CBS is not showing the first down marker on most live plays. I guess everyone is cutting the budget nowadays.
2:15 -- Criqui: "Every Chiefs draft choice last year was the captain of his college team". Wonderful. How many of them played for even a DIVISION winner last year? Character is so f*cking overrated. Find the best 53 guys you can, suit 45 of 'em up, and manage. Because even the sleaziest of athletes will show up when the games count.
0:57 -- awful INT by Cassel. Tipped and picked.
0:16 -- awful missed FG by Dawson. Assume we're headed to the half.
And we are. Browns 14, Chiefs 10, halftime.
Half -- Criqui can't focus on the camera. He's clearly looking for a cue card. And he's visibly struggling to get the words out.
Chiefs get the ball to start the 2nd half.
3rd Quarter:
15:00 -- Buerelein: "Cassel saying what in the world do I have to do to catch a break". How about toss the ball like a NFL caliber QB?
14:55 -- I am now confident about this game. Don just started spouting out record stats and what they mean towards playoff berths. The last time he did this for us, was 2006, when he noted 5-3 teams always make the playoffs. We did.
13:52 -- Buerelein is just pulling "West Coast Offense" terminology out of his ass.
12:13 -- Buerelein: "He's gonna find a way to lay the wood on someone".
11:27 -- clutch 1st down catch by D Bowe. Hope somebody bought him a self-employed model for the hotel room tonight for that clutch reception.
10:17 -- Coach Asshat not wearing a headset. Good. Also congratulating players as they leave the field. Again, good.
9:25 -- I HATE that 3rd down call. Why pitch it on 3rd and 1? What good comes of that? Fall forward! Predictably, we lose 2. Field goal try upcoming.
8:45 -- Browns 14, Chiefs 13. We're in it. Hopefully to win it.
8:39 -- Buerelein: "Welcome back to Cleveland". Are those the four worst words in the English language? Other than (maury povich voice) "you are the father!", of course.
7:39 -- Buerelein just called Criqui "Dan".
7:14 -- tough penalty upcoming on the Chiefs. Lower the helmet kid. Lower the helmet. For God's sake, don't lead with it. Should have been 3 and out. Now its Browns first down at midfield.
6:16 -- Buerelein: "This Derrick Johnson, he's a heck of a football player". A fact that everyone other than Coach Asshat knows.
5:47 -- Criqui: "Long ball! Too much on it". That's at least the fifth time he's said that today about a Seneca pass. Buerelein just advised that Wallace put "a little bit more air on that ball, then Robiske could have made the play". Uuh, Stevo? He overshot the pass by 15 yards. What good does putting MORE air under the ball do?
5:41 -- Criqui and Buerelein botch an obvious touchback, praising the ball being downed at the 1. And we go to commercial with them in shock that a player whose foot was on the end zone line was ineligible to touch the ball in the field of play.
5:41 -- coming back from break, Buerelein rips Haden for a play he just fellated him over (the touchback / downed at the 1). Charles takes a screen for 20 to open the series.
5:02 -- since neither Tweedle Dum or Tweedle Dum F*ck will mention this, this is the 3rd drive already today that KC has started at its 20 or worse, and advanced to midfield. If the Chiefs win this game, do NOT underestimate this. Huge changes in field position.
3:54 -- that's a play you call only if you're going for it on 4th down. 4th and 1 at the Browns 40.
3:26 -- Coach Asshat is punting. It was the Browns 44, not 40. Still, I strongly disagree with this decision. And that's why, the touchback. A 24 yard punt, versus a chance to take the lead by going for it. Gutless football.
0:00 -- if you had 3:13 in the "Steve and Gregg's first text message verbal argument" pool, you're a winner. Also, Damien checks in: "Cassel is a waste as well". I don't have a comeback yet to that.
End 3rd: Browns 14, Chiefs 13, 3rd and 13 for Cleveland at their own 27 upcoming.
4th Quarter:
15:00 -- false start Browns. Now 3rd and 18. The 3rd quarter stats were brutal, neither team topped 100 yards in offense, and the Browns didn't crack 30.
15:00 -- Buerelein: "I'd call something pretty conservative here". I STRONGLY disagree. On 3rd and 18, air it out! Go deep! What do you have to lose? An INT 50 yards downfield is probably better than a punt.
14:12 -- hate to say it, but Javier Arenas got ... (keyshawn voice) JACKED UP! Chiefs ball, their own 25ish, 1st and 10.
14:12 -- Jimmie Johnson, Kyle Busch, and Kurt Busch all in an incident at Louden. And all held it together. Unbelievable. Could have completely turned the Chase upside down. Instead, just a caution.
14:12 -- Criqui: "Its a beautiful Indian summer day in Northern Ohio". Oy.
14:00 -- Criqui: "Is your fantasy football site letting you down?" No, but my sh*tty commentators are.
13:32 -- Criqui: "Dwayne Bowe can take a punch!" Uuh, if there was a punch thrown, where was the flag? And Buerelein's off on his "red ball" tangent again. Sweet Jesus.
12:48 -- this is just about the most boring 14-13 game I've ever watched.
12:08 -- Chiefs piss away a timeout. That's ok -- you can waste one in the 2nd half. That, and this is a huge 3rd and 4 at midfield.
12:08 -- one of THE greatest underrated movies of all time just came on ABC Family. (Yeah, I'm channel surfing). "Love and Basketball". Sadly, it will be edited given the network its on ... but damn, this movie rocks. The penultimate scene, "Hey -- double or nothing." Jesus, I'd kill to feel for a girl like that someday. Or today.
12:02 -- That's why you hire Chuck Weis. What a GREAT delayed draw to Charles. First down. Buerelein is off again on the "red ball". Timeout Cleveland, we clearly stunned them.
11:37 -- Buerelein again on the "red ball". What the f*ck is "red ball offense"?
11:28 -- interesting decision upcoming on this 3rd and 6. Call a run and try the 50 yarder to take the lead, or air it out. Not one word on this from our commentators.
10:46 -- Tony who? Gonzalez what? Moeaki, first down!
10:13 -- Criqui saying "Here's Cassel!" reminds me of Randy Quaid in "Independence Day". "Hello boys! I'm baaaaaaa-ck!!!!!"
9:35 -- FULL HOUSE BACKFIELD! Holy sh*t, somewhere Barry Switzer and Tom Osborne just smiled! Easy 15 yard completion to Chambers. Three running backs! Awesome!
8:23 -- Criqui: "Thomas Jones is Stone Walled!" Would really be neat if his name was Thomas Jackson.
7:49 -- Criqui: "A wisely used timeout by Matt Cassel". Uuh, no it wasn't. There were 5-6 seconds left on the play clock. Yes, its 3rd and goal, but if you take the penalty there and save the timeout, at least half the time, that's the smarter play. 3rd and goal at the 5 upcoming, Chiefs down to one TO (and the 2 minute warning). Still Browns 14, Chiefs 13.
7:49 -- commercial: "Subway, where winners eat". I've never computed Jared as a winner.
7:41 -- Chiefs 16, Browns 14. Succup gimme FG. Plenty o'time to go though. Criqui: "Eric Mangini needs offense". God forbid any one of these two deuches say "Todd Haley needs defense". Buerelein: "Neither of these teams view themselves as a playoff team at this point". Uuh, ask Coach Asshat about that statement, Steve. Buerelein: "KC surprised itself with a win over San Diego last week". Again, talk to Coach Asshat and Arrowhead Nation about that one, you f*cking knob.
7:35 -- Buerelein expressing shock that the Chiefs keyed on the run today.
7:04 -- this game is so playing out like the last (and only other) time we face Seneca, vs Seattle in 2006.
6:56 -- blatant hold they got awa -- nope, refs get it. Obvious hold on Hali by Joe Thomas.
6:52 -- loving how Criqui is "confirming" Buerelein's statements. Case in point, Steve: "2nd and 20". Don: "2nd down it is!"
6:22 -- Criqui: "He just can't get to it!" The ball was overthrown by 15 yards minimum. Great blitz by Berry. Not one word of praise for the Chiefs D.
6:12 -- Criqui: "Coming up next: the Patriots take aim at the Jets!" Oh believe me Don, I know. Buerelein: "You talk about a must win situation!" Oh believe me Steve, I know. I freaking know.
5:20 -- bullshit roughing the passer call! We'll take it!
5:12 -- Criqui: "Time becoming a factor now". Ya think?
5:00 -- wow. This half, Chiefs have run 24 plays in Cleveland territory, the Browns have run 3 in Chiefs territory. Unreal.
3:55 -- interesting. 3rd Chiefs timeout before 3rd and 2, after bleeding the clock. I'm not upset about it, but its interesting. If they convert this, its all good. If they don't, that's three wasted TO's in a half ...
3:50 -- great Browns D play. If that pass slips over his hand, its a 30 yard gain. Chiefs to punt.
3:41 -- downed at the 5. Solid effort. Dammit though, if Cassel could have slipped that pass in to Moeaki. It wasn't Cassel's fault, he floated it. Just a great defensive reaction by Maiava by Cleveland.
3:34 -- gain of 5. 2nd and 5. Clock running.
3:10 -- sack! Wallace Gilberry! 3rd and 10, clock running.
2:46 -- Criqui: "Lofted out there, caught! Massaquoia!" as the ball hits the ground. 4th and 10. I think you punt this with two timeouts and the 2 minute warning. Browns are punting.
2:41 -- Chiefs take over at the Browns 42. Two first downs seals it. One ought to end it, depending on what down we gain it on.
2:37 -- TJ gets 4. 2nd and 6, time out Cleveland.
2:28 and counting -- TJ gets 4 more. 3rd and 2. Finally a TO at the 2:24 mark. Reset that to 2:32, actually. I'd have let it run to the 2 minute warning personally. An extra 2-3 seconds on the other side doesn't matter if you get the fumble and save your last TO.
2:27 -- its close. I think he's just short. Its 4th and less than a foot. This is ball-check time.
2:00 -- Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
2:00 -- Someone should kick Coach Asshat in the nuts to confirm he has a pair, especially if he opts to punt. 4th and less than a foot, Browns 36. You convert, you win. You fail, deal with it, its no worse than a 16 yd net punt.
2:00 -- holy sh*t! Gregg: "I actually agree in this case". When the Voice of Reason says "go!" you f*cking go!
1:53 -- its close. Its damned close. TJ with the dive.
1:53 -- Criqui: "A first down, in effect, ends the game". Ya think?
1:53 -- this is DAMNED close.
1:53 -- YES! YES! YES!! YES!!!!!!!!!! By two inches at most!
1:53 -- its a booth review. Sweet Jesus. Buerelein is absolutely convinced TJ is short. He tries drawing a straight line, and fails miserably. Even Criqui is mocking his attempt to draw a line on the screen, and I’m damned sure Don is blowing a .16 if given a Breathalyzer right now.
1:53 -- its over! Booth review upholds the spot! Two kneel downs to win!
1:16 -- there's the first.
0:34 -- and the last. Chiefs win! Chiefs win! I trust you all will "come and worship" at the First Church of Arrowhead next Sunday ...
Friday, September 17, 2010
the week two predictions
Spare me the criticisms -- I am still working on the Monday nighter recap. I hope to have it done by tomorrow. There's a lot I wanted to say, and I haven't finished editing / revising / improving it. Give it some time. A game that epic deserves an epic recap ...
Last Week SU: 13-3-0
Season to Date SU: 13-3-0
Last Week ATS: 8-7-1
Season to Date ATS: 8-7-1
Last Week Upset / Week: oy.
Season to Date Upset / Week: 0-1
This Week's Upset / Week: Jaguars (+7) over Chargers.
The Week Two Non-Chiefs Predictions:
at Packers (-13) 31, Bills 6.
at Vikings (-5 1/2) 21, Dolphins 13.
Falcons 20, at Cardinals (+6 1/2) 17.
at Bengals (+2 1/2) 31, Ravens 27.
at Cowboys (-7 1/2) 34, Bears 20.
at Titans (-5 1/2) 31, Steelers 6.
at Panthers (-3 1/2) 27, Bucs 3.
at Lions (+6 1/2) 13, Eagles 10.
at broncos (-3 1/2) 31, Seahawks 24.
at raiders (-3 1/2) 21, Rams 13.
Jaguars (+7) 31, at Chargers 23.
at Redskins (+3) 17, Texans 14.
at Colts (-5) 34, Giants 13.
at 49ers (+5) 16, Saints 13.
The Jets Prediction:
Like sweating out what is shaping up to be a benchmark game of the season for the Chiefs won't be stressful enough. Then I get this doozy.
For the other team I root for, the math is simple. You cannot open 0-2 at home, 0-2 in the conference, and 0-1 in the division, and expect to be a factor for the postseason. Especially when your next four are at Dolphins (Sunday nighter), at Bills (our house of horrors), vs Vikings (Monday nighter), and at broncos (gulp). If the Jets p*ss this one away, they're legitimately staring 1-5 or 0-6 in the face entering the bye come week seven. (And the first game back after the bye? The Packers at home. Yikes).
at Jets (+3) 24, Patriots 21. I have no idea how the Jets win this thing. I just know that they have to.
The Chiefs Prediction:
The theme I was going to go with (its not old school -- its new school ...), is what is so heavy in my soon-to-be posted recap of the Chargers game. So I'm not going to do some motivational deal here for the pick. But I do think this team has turned the corner. Which means that this prediction, this game, is really very simple.
If the Chiefs are a legitimate, credible threat to win the AFC West, they find a way to win this game. Spare me the "short week" talk. Ignore the "its the Browns home opener" bull. Legitimate playoff teams go on the road and beat crappy squads. Whether it be by a point, or a plethora of points, it doesn't matter. Playoff caliber teams go on the road and leave the Cleveland's of the world with a W.
I am fully aware that Cleveland is our house of horrors. We always lose there. The 2006 loss should have ended the Chiefs playoff hopes. The 2002 win should have been a loss, and would be 99 times out of 100 (because 99 NFL linebackers out of 100 would have the common sense to keep the helmet on. Or at least not chuck it 25 yards down the field while the play was still going. I'm guessing Dwayne Rudd will not be one of the 16 inductees into the Browns Hall of Fame at halftime).
The 1995 loss was a joke -- we lost to a team that had already quit on the season after the moving announcement. The 1989 loss, via three missed field goals in overtime, cost us the playoffs.
None of that should matter, because the Browns are, in the words of Charles Barkley, a TURRIBLE football team. CBS knows it -- they sent us Don Criqui and Steve Buere"lein King" to call this one. You know, the Gruesome Twosome. A duo so horrendous at their jobs, that I once devoted multiple paragraphs of a postgame recap just to detail every mistake and idiocy they uttered. Even the weather knows how awful the Browns are -- the predicted forecast is 67 and rain. (Gee, sound familiar? I think we just sat through a game like that ...)
(And I'm also gonna predict, the NFL knows how awful this one might be. I predict we get Triplette as the ref. There's no way we're getting someone competent. Its gotta be Triplette).
We'll know a lot about this team come 3:30 on Sunday afternoon. Hell, we've already seen just how huge the changes this offseason were -- read this outstanding look at the in-game coaching of Todd Haley by Peter King this morning. If he keeps this up, I might have to rethink his asshat status. (Emphasis on "might").
Chiefs (+2) 24, at Browns 13.
Last Week SU: 13-3-0
Season to Date SU: 13-3-0
Last Week ATS: 8-7-1
Season to Date ATS: 8-7-1
Last Week Upset / Week: oy.
Season to Date Upset / Week: 0-1
This Week's Upset / Week: Jaguars (+7) over Chargers.
The Week Two Non-Chiefs Predictions:
at Packers (-13) 31, Bills 6.
at Vikings (-5 1/2) 21, Dolphins 13.
Falcons 20, at Cardinals (+6 1/2) 17.
at Bengals (+2 1/2) 31, Ravens 27.
at Cowboys (-7 1/2) 34, Bears 20.
at Titans (-5 1/2) 31, Steelers 6.
at Panthers (-3 1/2) 27, Bucs 3.
at Lions (+6 1/2) 13, Eagles 10.
at broncos (-3 1/2) 31, Seahawks 24.
at raiders (-3 1/2) 21, Rams 13.
Jaguars (+7) 31, at Chargers 23.
at Redskins (+3) 17, Texans 14.
at Colts (-5) 34, Giants 13.
at 49ers (+5) 16, Saints 13.
The Jets Prediction:
Like sweating out what is shaping up to be a benchmark game of the season for the Chiefs won't be stressful enough. Then I get this doozy.
For the other team I root for, the math is simple. You cannot open 0-2 at home, 0-2 in the conference, and 0-1 in the division, and expect to be a factor for the postseason. Especially when your next four are at Dolphins (Sunday nighter), at Bills (our house of horrors), vs Vikings (Monday nighter), and at broncos (gulp). If the Jets p*ss this one away, they're legitimately staring 1-5 or 0-6 in the face entering the bye come week seven. (And the first game back after the bye? The Packers at home. Yikes).
at Jets (+3) 24, Patriots 21. I have no idea how the Jets win this thing. I just know that they have to.
The Chiefs Prediction:
The theme I was going to go with (its not old school -- its new school ...), is what is so heavy in my soon-to-be posted recap of the Chargers game. So I'm not going to do some motivational deal here for the pick. But I do think this team has turned the corner. Which means that this prediction, this game, is really very simple.
If the Chiefs are a legitimate, credible threat to win the AFC West, they find a way to win this game. Spare me the "short week" talk. Ignore the "its the Browns home opener" bull. Legitimate playoff teams go on the road and beat crappy squads. Whether it be by a point, or a plethora of points, it doesn't matter. Playoff caliber teams go on the road and leave the Cleveland's of the world with a W.
I am fully aware that Cleveland is our house of horrors. We always lose there. The 2006 loss should have ended the Chiefs playoff hopes. The 2002 win should have been a loss, and would be 99 times out of 100 (because 99 NFL linebackers out of 100 would have the common sense to keep the helmet on. Or at least not chuck it 25 yards down the field while the play was still going. I'm guessing Dwayne Rudd will not be one of the 16 inductees into the Browns Hall of Fame at halftime).
The 1995 loss was a joke -- we lost to a team that had already quit on the season after the moving announcement. The 1989 loss, via three missed field goals in overtime, cost us the playoffs.
None of that should matter, because the Browns are, in the words of Charles Barkley, a TURRIBLE football team. CBS knows it -- they sent us Don Criqui and Steve Buere"lein King" to call this one. You know, the Gruesome Twosome. A duo so horrendous at their jobs, that I once devoted multiple paragraphs of a postgame recap just to detail every mistake and idiocy they uttered. Even the weather knows how awful the Browns are -- the predicted forecast is 67 and rain. (Gee, sound familiar? I think we just sat through a game like that ...)
(And I'm also gonna predict, the NFL knows how awful this one might be. I predict we get Triplette as the ref. There's no way we're getting someone competent. Its gotta be Triplette).
We'll know a lot about this team come 3:30 on Sunday afternoon. Hell, we've already seen just how huge the changes this offseason were -- read this outstanding look at the in-game coaching of Todd Haley by Peter King this morning. If he keeps this up, I might have to rethink his asshat status. (Emphasis on "might").
Chiefs (+2) 24, at Browns 13.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
chiefs chargers pick
"Hey Mr. Tamborine Man,
Play a song for me!
I'm not sleepy,
And there is no place I'm going to.
Hey Mr. Tamborine Man,
Play a song for me!
And in the jingle jangle morning,
I'll come following you ..."
I'm ready.
There's really nothing else to be said. We, as a fanbase, as a community, as a city, have waited for this day for four years and counting now. Tonight, Kansas City is a relevant, vibrant force on the national radar. Tonight, the Chiefs are the focus of Football Nation.
Tonight, the return to relevance begins.
If you need a place to tailgate, you know where we'll be. (If you don't know where we'll be, its Lot G, grassy lot, directly east of the G30 sign.) Please, feel free to show up, get your party on, and help us root this team on to victory. The menu is Charger Chicken (multiple flavors), and a ton of side dishes. I hauled myself out of retirement to make 200 some odd jello shots. I bribed Nancy into making the garlic butter mushrooms.
Tonight, in the words of the great Bob Dylan, my Tamborine Man plays a song for me. Takes me for a trip upon his magic swirling ship. Gives me, you, and all of Arrowhead Nation a thrill like we haven't experienced in a while.
at Chiefs (+4 1/2) 33, Chargers 6. If you don't understand the significance of that score, Google "October 7 1991 Chiefs Bills". If you never got to experience how amazing, how utterly incredible that night was, please, close your eyes tonight during the pregame. Just take it all in. And then lose yourself in the moment. Some things in life are meant to truly be enjoyed. Tonight, is one of those moments. Let the Tamborine man play his song for you.
(And try not to make fun of me if I shed a tear or five after we win. Or the inevitable coolest moment of tailgating, about 7:30ish, as the sun is going down, the smoke is hovering over the parking lots and the stadium, and "In the Air Tonight" starts blaring over the speakers. Guaranteed to make me cry, if only to remember why that moment makes me cry. RIP Number 58. You lived for nights like this. As do I. Show up! Be loud! Make your mark! Tonight is the night we seize the stage! Clear eyes! Full hearts! CAN'T LOSE!!!)
(And if you actually need a motivational speech to show up tonight, here's your link to the defining Steve speech of a generation. If this bad boy doesn't get you out there, nothing will. There were folks at the game that Sunday morning with this bad boy printed out, just wanting to see what kind of crazy dude could concoct a motivational speech like this. I'm your boy. So show up! Be loud! Make your mark! We WILL win this game!!!)
Play a song for me!
I'm not sleepy,
And there is no place I'm going to.
Hey Mr. Tamborine Man,
Play a song for me!
And in the jingle jangle morning,
I'll come following you ..."
I'm ready.
There's really nothing else to be said. We, as a fanbase, as a community, as a city, have waited for this day for four years and counting now. Tonight, Kansas City is a relevant, vibrant force on the national radar. Tonight, the Chiefs are the focus of Football Nation.
Tonight, the return to relevance begins.
If you need a place to tailgate, you know where we'll be. (If you don't know where we'll be, its Lot G, grassy lot, directly east of the G30 sign.) Please, feel free to show up, get your party on, and help us root this team on to victory. The menu is Charger Chicken (multiple flavors), and a ton of side dishes. I hauled myself out of retirement to make 200 some odd jello shots. I bribed Nancy into making the garlic butter mushrooms.
Tonight, in the words of the great Bob Dylan, my Tamborine Man plays a song for me. Takes me for a trip upon his magic swirling ship. Gives me, you, and all of Arrowhead Nation a thrill like we haven't experienced in a while.
at Chiefs (+4 1/2) 33, Chargers 6. If you don't understand the significance of that score, Google "October 7 1991 Chiefs Bills". If you never got to experience how amazing, how utterly incredible that night was, please, close your eyes tonight during the pregame. Just take it all in. And then lose yourself in the moment. Some things in life are meant to truly be enjoyed. Tonight, is one of those moments. Let the Tamborine man play his song for you.
(And try not to make fun of me if I shed a tear or five after we win. Or the inevitable coolest moment of tailgating, about 7:30ish, as the sun is going down, the smoke is hovering over the parking lots and the stadium, and "In the Air Tonight" starts blaring over the speakers. Guaranteed to make me cry, if only to remember why that moment makes me cry. RIP Number 58. You lived for nights like this. As do I. Show up! Be loud! Make your mark! Tonight is the night we seize the stage! Clear eyes! Full hearts! CAN'T LOSE!!!)
(And if you actually need a motivational speech to show up tonight, here's your link to the defining Steve speech of a generation. If this bad boy doesn't get you out there, nothing will. There were folks at the game that Sunday morning with this bad boy printed out, just wanting to see what kind of crazy dude could concoct a motivational speech like this. I'm your boy. So show up! Be loud! Make your mark! We WILL win this game!!!)
Thursday, September 9, 2010
week one predictions
So ... last weekend I saw a movie I'd been waiting to see for a while. OK, not "waiting to see", more like "too lazy to fire up the DVR and order it". But HBO has finally started airing "(500) Days of Summer", so I sat down last Saturday morning and watched it.
Then watched it again.
And absolutely loved it. At only 95 minutes, its a perfect length. Its a great blend of sarcastic humor, comedic setup, and sappy ending. If you have no clue what the movie is about, Joseph Gordon-Levitt plays Tom Hansen, a risk-averse, likeable, sarcastic dude stuck in a dead-end job that he hates (writing slogans for greeting cards), dreaming of pursuing his dream job (architecture), with no dating prospects in sight, who relies on his lovable yet also single buddies for his entertainment. He is who he is, because he's settled for comfortable, he's settled for reality over the possibility of what could be. As he notes early on: "People don't realize this, but loneliness is underrated". (Gee, I wonder who this vaguely sounds like ...)
Then one day, Summer (played by the lovely Zooey Deschanel) begins work at the company as an executive assistant. Summer is everything Tom isn't -- she's outgoing, carefree, unwilling to commit to anything. Doesn't take things too seriously. They begin a friendship, then eventually a relationship. Only, its not a relationship in the traditional sense. Because Summer states repeatedly that she doesn't believe in destiny, in fate, in true love, that those are just made up ideas from the greeting card industry to sell their product to suckers and dummies.
Tom, of course, falls deeper and deeper in love with her. While she keeps him close, but not too close. They finally break up ... then it appears they've made up ... before day 488 arrives. (One really cool thing about this movie -- the opening scene, is also the penultimate scene. You know, or at least think you know, how the movie will end before it begins, and yet still, you're drawn into it. Hang on, I'm going somewhere with this ...)
So day 488. Tom has had his epic meltdown, quits the greeting card business, and is finally pursuing a job as an architect. He heads downtown to the park he and Summer used to hang out in, climbs the hill to their bench ... and there she is.
Now married.
After some small talk, he tells her that she was right. That there is no such thing as true love, as destiny, as fate. That we're all just here because we're here, no more, no less. There is no purpose. And she stops him, and says "No, you weren't wrong. You were just wrong about me".
And as he presses further, asking how she could get married, abandon all the beliefs and feelings she'd had during their relationship, her response is just priceless. Hell, I'll just copy it verbatim:
Summer: "Well, you know, I guess it's cause I was sitting in a deli, and reading Dorian Gray, and a guy comes up to me and asks me about it and now ... he's my husband".
Tom: "Yeah? And so?"
Summer: "So? What if I'd gone to the movies? What if I'd gone somewhere else for lunch? What if I'd gotten there 10 minutes later? It was -- it was meant to be. And I just kept thinking, Tom was right".
Tom: "No".
Summer: "Yeah, I did (laughing). I did. It just wasn't me that you were right about. I just woke up one morning, and I knew".
Tom: "Knew what?"
Summer: "What I was never sure of with you".
There's still a few more scenes after that to bring the movie to a close, but for me, that one hit it.
Look it, I'm 33, soon to be 34. This summer has seen a lot of change enter my life, most of it for the good, don't get me wrong. I've become an uncle for the second and third time. One of my best friends is about to become a father for the first time any day now. My other best friend is less than six months away from marrying a great girl on the beaches of Jamaica. And I couldn't be happier for them. But there is a part of me that kind of looks at everyone else and thinks "what the f*ck is wrong with me".
Because again, I'm 33. Soon to be 34. I'm single. I have no kids that I know of (hang on, let me verify nobody from "The Maury Show" is on my voicemail ... and we're good. Whew). I've started a new job, but let's be honest, its just a continuation of my last twelve years. Its not my dream job. I'm not living in my dream town. (I'm pretty sure) I have yet to meet my dream girl.
But you know what? That's cool. Because eventually, my time will come. That's the point of "500 Days". Don't give up. Just because you think something is fate, or destiny, doesn't mean it is.
That, and eventually, Summer will give way to Autumn.
And now that "autumn" is almost here, its time to haul everyone's favorite public service out of retirement. Yup, here are my week one predictions.
Because eventually, I have to figure this thing out, right? Right? (crickets chirping). No really. Right?
Week One Upset of the Week:
raiders (+6) 20, at Titans 10.
Other Week One Non-Chiefs Predictions:
Dolphins 21, at Bills (+3) 20.
broncos (+2 1/2) 23, at Jaguars 20.
at Texans (+2) 33, Colts 30.
at Seahawks (+3) 13, 49ers 10.
at Saints (-5) 34, Vikings 13.
at Giants 27, Panthers (+7) 23.
Packers (-3) 45, at Eagles 10.
Falcons (-2) 41, at Steelers 20.
at Bears (-6) 31, Lions 10.
at Patriots (-4 1/2) 34, Bengals 20.
at Bucs (-2 1/2) 3, Browns 0.
Cardinals (-4 1/2) 27, at Rams 10.
at Redskins (+3) 19, Cowboys 17.
Ravens (+2 1/2) 24, at Jets 14.
The Chiefs Prediction:
Coming tomorrow.
Then watched it again.
And absolutely loved it. At only 95 minutes, its a perfect length. Its a great blend of sarcastic humor, comedic setup, and sappy ending. If you have no clue what the movie is about, Joseph Gordon-Levitt plays Tom Hansen, a risk-averse, likeable, sarcastic dude stuck in a dead-end job that he hates (writing slogans for greeting cards), dreaming of pursuing his dream job (architecture), with no dating prospects in sight, who relies on his lovable yet also single buddies for his entertainment. He is who he is, because he's settled for comfortable, he's settled for reality over the possibility of what could be. As he notes early on: "People don't realize this, but loneliness is underrated". (Gee, I wonder who this vaguely sounds like ...)
Then one day, Summer (played by the lovely Zooey Deschanel) begins work at the company as an executive assistant. Summer is everything Tom isn't -- she's outgoing, carefree, unwilling to commit to anything. Doesn't take things too seriously. They begin a friendship, then eventually a relationship. Only, its not a relationship in the traditional sense. Because Summer states repeatedly that she doesn't believe in destiny, in fate, in true love, that those are just made up ideas from the greeting card industry to sell their product to suckers and dummies.
Tom, of course, falls deeper and deeper in love with her. While she keeps him close, but not too close. They finally break up ... then it appears they've made up ... before day 488 arrives. (One really cool thing about this movie -- the opening scene, is also the penultimate scene. You know, or at least think you know, how the movie will end before it begins, and yet still, you're drawn into it. Hang on, I'm going somewhere with this ...)
So day 488. Tom has had his epic meltdown, quits the greeting card business, and is finally pursuing a job as an architect. He heads downtown to the park he and Summer used to hang out in, climbs the hill to their bench ... and there she is.
Now married.
After some small talk, he tells her that she was right. That there is no such thing as true love, as destiny, as fate. That we're all just here because we're here, no more, no less. There is no purpose. And she stops him, and says "No, you weren't wrong. You were just wrong about me".
And as he presses further, asking how she could get married, abandon all the beliefs and feelings she'd had during their relationship, her response is just priceless. Hell, I'll just copy it verbatim:
Summer: "Well, you know, I guess it's cause I was sitting in a deli, and reading Dorian Gray, and a guy comes up to me and asks me about it and now ... he's my husband".
Tom: "Yeah? And so?"
Summer: "So? What if I'd gone to the movies? What if I'd gone somewhere else for lunch? What if I'd gotten there 10 minutes later? It was -- it was meant to be. And I just kept thinking, Tom was right".
Tom: "No".
Summer: "Yeah, I did (laughing). I did. It just wasn't me that you were right about. I just woke up one morning, and I knew".
Tom: "Knew what?"
Summer: "What I was never sure of with you".
There's still a few more scenes after that to bring the movie to a close, but for me, that one hit it.
Look it, I'm 33, soon to be 34. This summer has seen a lot of change enter my life, most of it for the good, don't get me wrong. I've become an uncle for the second and third time. One of my best friends is about to become a father for the first time any day now. My other best friend is less than six months away from marrying a great girl on the beaches of Jamaica. And I couldn't be happier for them. But there is a part of me that kind of looks at everyone else and thinks "what the f*ck is wrong with me".
Because again, I'm 33. Soon to be 34. I'm single. I have no kids that I know of (hang on, let me verify nobody from "The Maury Show" is on my voicemail ... and we're good. Whew). I've started a new job, but let's be honest, its just a continuation of my last twelve years. Its not my dream job. I'm not living in my dream town. (I'm pretty sure) I have yet to meet my dream girl.
But you know what? That's cool. Because eventually, my time will come. That's the point of "500 Days". Don't give up. Just because you think something is fate, or destiny, doesn't mean it is.
That, and eventually, Summer will give way to Autumn.
And now that "autumn" is almost here, its time to haul everyone's favorite public service out of retirement. Yup, here are my week one predictions.
Because eventually, I have to figure this thing out, right? Right? (crickets chirping). No really. Right?
Week One Upset of the Week:
raiders (+6) 20, at Titans 10.
Other Week One Non-Chiefs Predictions:
Dolphins 21, at Bills (+3) 20.
broncos (+2 1/2) 23, at Jaguars 20.
at Texans (+2) 33, Colts 30.
at Seahawks (+3) 13, 49ers 10.
at Saints (-5) 34, Vikings 13.
at Giants 27, Panthers (+7) 23.
Packers (-3) 45, at Eagles 10.
Falcons (-2) 41, at Steelers 20.
at Bears (-6) 31, Lions 10.
at Patriots (-4 1/2) 34, Bengals 20.
at Bucs (-2 1/2) 3, Browns 0.
Cardinals (-4 1/2) 27, at Rams 10.
at Redskins (+3) 19, Cowboys 17.
Ravens (+2 1/2) 24, at Jets 14.
The Chiefs Prediction:
Coming tomorrow.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
steve and the kc star agree?!?! well ... sort of ...
The Star’s lead editorial today was on the rise (and fall … and semi-finished demolition) of the primary shopping area out where I live. The site formerly known as Bannister Mall.
(Note: from this point forward, all pulled quotes and paragraphs from The Star’s editorial will appear in italics. I have cited the Star’s article in the prior paragraph. I hate plagiarism in all forms, hence my “note” right here to distinguish my thoughts from The Star’s editorial board. Thanks.)
It’s actually a really good read. I encourage anyone clicking to this posting to read The Star’s editorial. For once, someone “gets it”. Kudos to the Star for figuring out why this area is currently a “failure”. (More on that in a minute or three).
What disappointed me though, is that while the Star correctly identified the problem, they botched the solution.
Go ahead, read away on the link above, or click here. I can wait 5 minutes.
(Or 20 minutes ... if you want to read Labelscar's take on the downfall of Bannister Mall, and the reader reactions to it ...)
So, here’s my take on the editorial.
First, a little background. I moved to District 6 a little over 42 months ago. I moved here for a few reasons. Location – closer to the spots I hang out at in the summer and the fall. (I’m a hermit in the winter – you have a better chance of getting a grizzley bear out of his cave in January, than you do of getting me to go out on a Saturday night. Its too cold). Cost – it is definitely a lower cost of living here than it was where I moved from in western Shawnee. Living situation – moving in with one of my best friends after my former roommate Gregg was getting married.
I never anticipated spending more than a year, maybe two, out here. I figured I’d ride out the new situation for a while, then move back to Johnson County at some point.
Only, something strange happened. I grew to like it out here. Is this the “safest” part of town? Hell no, as witnessed by the fact that the convenience store down the street from me has had two separate shootings in the last four days, resulting in one death so far. Is this the “nicest” part of town? No, but there are some areas, especially off of Red Bridge, that I would have no issues with calling home for the next 30 years. Is it “desirable” as a place to live? Arguable. I think its safe enough, and I’d be fine having my kids attend the Hickman Mills schools early on, then sending them to O’Hara for high school. But, conversely, I walk by a couple seedy hotels every day when I exercise, and it’s tough at times to count the number of cars with the JO licence plates on them. Now, I’m no surgeon, I defer to Damien for that designation … but JO plates in a seedy hotel parking lot that are there one minute, and gone the next? I’m guessing the men driving those automobiles aren’t visiting for 45-60 minutes at a time just to check out the hotel lobby.
But, having said that, it’s a comfortable place to live. Its got a great location, less than a mile to three major freeways that take you in any direction you need to go. Its affordable. And up until the last couple years, you didn’t have to drive far for anything you needed.
The Star noted that fact in its opening couple paragraphs … :
A brief history of the Bannister Mall shopping area:
In 1980, the mall at the northeast corner of Bannister Road and Interstate 435 opened with anchors J.C. Penney, Macy’s, The Jones Store and Sears. It grew to more than 150 stores and 1.1 million square feet of retail space. Benjamin Plaza stores were built nearby, featuring Wal-Mart’s Hypermart USA.
Fear of crime spread and some white flight occurred in the 1990s. Newer shopping centers opened in Lee’s Summit and Johnson County, draining customers. Dozens of mall shops closed. A proposal to build Bass Pro Shops at the mall died in 2002. The last anchor — Sears — shuttered in 2006. Bannister Mall closed in 2007 and was demolished in early 2009. A plan to build Wizards stadium there died in late 2009.
… but then sadly failed to expand on the (legitimate) reasons sited in the story for why the area is currently a failure. They accurately note that a proposed redevelopment in 2002, with Bass Pro Shops moving into the former north side of the mall (where Penney’s and Jones Store had already abandoned) never occurred. Why did it not occur? Greedy suburban development. More on this in a minute.
They accurately note that the plan to build a Wizards stadium, with supporting youth soccer facilities (and the ability to use the new stadium as a de-facto outdoor concert site, like they do with Pizza Hut Park in Plano), also failed. Why you ask, did the plan fall through? Greedy suburban development. More on that in a minute.
They accurately note later in the article that the Wal-Mart left in early 2007. They fail to note, but hint at, other big box retailers, dining establishments, and other retail outlets that bolted in 2007 and 2008, such as Best Buy, Petsmart, Blockbuster, Darryl’s, Bennigan’s, NTB, Red Lobster, Tropical Palms, Circuit City, IHOP, Denny’s. Even the adult entertainment establishment, Golddiggers, closed down. When a freaking strip club can’t make it in a rapidly-deteriorating part of town, you know things are bad. So why did most of these places leave? Greedy suburban development.
Which, to the Star’s credit, is exactly what they blamed for the downfall of this area:
The Bannister Mall example is a small piece of a much larger problem for this area.
It helps reveal the price of “progress” when it comes to building newer shops elsewhere. Often left behind are aging hulks of buildings, along with ugly abandoned parking lots, all of which are blights on neighborhoods.
Sadly, the Bannister Mall case is not unique. Others include Kansas City north of the river (Antioch Mall); Raytown (Wal-Mart and Hy-Vee left locations on Highway 350 for elsewhere in the city); and Mission (where the now-bulldozed Mission Center still awaits redevelopment) …
And then, the editorial hits at the real issue at hand:
The wasteland formerly known as Bannister Mall should trigger an important public discussion: How can we avoid overbuilding commercial and residential areas? How can this region move toward more sustainable growth and away from expensive, continued sprawl?
The Star, unfortunately, only offers up hopeful “office development” for the area. Sorry guys, but that ship sailed when Cerner bolted with the Wizards for Wyandotte County. To attract office development, you’ve got to give businesses a reason to locate here. And right now, there is no reason to locate here.
There are no restaurants to take clients and employees to, outside of fast food joints. (Unless you count Tom’s BBQ, which is a highly underrated joint on 93rd and Blue Ridge. It gets the Steve Seal of Approval. Other than that, there ain’t a joint within 5 miles of the apartment I would sit down and dine in. Because they’re all fast food joints).
There is no shopping for employees and clients, save for a ghetto K-Mart that still has wooden boards plastered all over the front of its building, where a “drive into the store wall and rob the place at night” attempt took place nearly a year ago, and a Burlington Coat Factory next to where the Wal-Mart used to be. There’s nowhere for clients to stay – the closest reputable hotels are ten miles north, south, or west, depending on what you’re looking for. Add it up – no dining, no retail, no place to stay. Why would any business want to locate their office here right now?
(The answer: they wouldn’t.)
Which is why I think the City of Kansas City needs to take five somewhat simple, yet completely proactive steps to (1) stop the deterioration of the area, and (2) begin the rebuild.
To be fair, (1) is going to be harder than (2). For starters, the perception that this is a crime-ridden area has to be overcome. You don’t do that overnight. You don’t do that by word of mouth. You do that by actions. Which is why my first four steps are devoted to halting the blight and the flight. And step one would be:
1. Build a new Police Headquarters for South Kansas City adjacent to where the new Fire Headquarters just went up at 93rd and Hillcrest.
The area is being used for nothing. Hell, they tore out the stoplight at 93rd, so few people use that intersection anymore. (OK, I use it every day, at least twice a day, but unless you live off 93rd like I do, you have no reason to be there).
I realize this is going to require a public safety tax to finance. To which my answer is, so? If the citizens of District 6 aren’t willing to tax themselves 1/8 of 1 cent over 10 years to build a new public safety complex, then we deserve whatever happens to us. Contrary to what Republicans and crack conservatives would have you believe, not all taxes are evil. Not all taxes are bad. Sometimes, they’re good, like in this case. Turn the entire corner there, from Bannister to 93rd, from Hillcrest to Marion, into a new Police and Fire Headquarters for the Southland. The Fire Headquarters is already there, having been built less than a year ago. Now, do the logical thing and add a police presence to the area.
I am aware that simply building a police building isn’t going to encourage folks to come back. But it might encourage the remaining businesses, of which we still have a few, to stay. But in case they needed added motivation …
2. Draft a bill, then pass it, in the City Council that offers tax incentives for businesses to redevelop where they exist, and most importantly,
3. Draft a bill, then pass it, in the City Council that places tax penalties on businesses for bailing for suburban development.
(2) is important … but (3) is more important.
Why do you think Wal-Mart left for a site 11 miles away? Tax breaks. Why do you think Bass Pro Shops didn’t build here, but instead built 15 miles away in Independence? Tax breaks. Why do you think the Wizards bolted across the state line, taking the Cerner office project with them? Tax breaks.
Nothing KCMO does can discourage other local municipalities from offering up insane tax incentives to draw businesses into their community. But KCMO can discourage businesses from leaving via heavy fines and penalties for bolting. And spare me the “is this Constitutional” crap. Anyone reading this ever heard of the Big XII Conference? Why do you think Colorado is sticking it out through 2012? Because they don’t want to pay the $20 million penalty for leaving the conference without a two years notice. Why do you think Nebraska is sticking it out through at least 2011? Because they are willing to pay a penalty, but not the full $20 something million, to leave early.
Businesses build clauses like this into rental agreements all the time. Why can’t the city build this into their agreement with giving a business a license to operate?
The Penney’s that was at Bannister is now 7 miles southeast. In Lee’s Summit. Ditto the Macy’s, the Petsmart, and every decent sit-down restaurant that bolted in the last four years. I’m not saying they wouldn’t have left for Summit Fair and Summit Woods, even with my (2) and (3) proposals in place. But – if CWB had financial motivation to upgrade Bannister Mall, and those business had financial penalties encouraging them to stay, would they at least have contemplated remaining where they were at?
At the end of the day, this is still America, no matter how much Barack Obama tries to destroy it. We are still a capitalistic society, for better or for worse. And businesses are free to come and go as they please. But I don’t see anything wrong with offering them “strong encouragement” to stay where they’re at.
Because its not just the Bannister Mall immediate area that’s seen a flight for the suburbs by business. Drive anywhere within a 5-6 mile radius of where the Mall used to stand. Abandoned strip malls, abandoned big box retailers, everywhere you look. All leaving for a better deal in the suburbs. Its high damned time the “leadership” of KCMO steps up and tries to halt the flight.
4. Our city councilmen need to fight for every penny of infrastructure improvements they can. John Sharp and Cathy Jolly are good, decent reps for us on the Council. They don’t embarrass themselves or their district (which is more than you can say for most of the rest of the council). But you will never convince me they are fighting for this district as hard as Deb Hermann is for the Northland. Or Sharon Sanders Brooks is for downtown and the Northeast. You see redevelopment, an investment in infrastructure, every day in those areas. Jan Marcason has seen incredible redevelopment south of the Plaza in her district. Where’s ours? What the hell are Councilpersons Sharp and Jolly doing, other than drawing a public salary?
In the last five years, this area has gone to the sh*tter. Businesses fleeing. Roads crumbling. Infrastructure deteriorating. Case in point – last May, we had a water main break outside the complex I live at, causing a loss of water. For four days! How the f*ck does it take four days to repair a water main break! It took nearly three days to get the power back up after the July storms knocked it out the weekend after the Fourth.
But – but! – when the “white flight” folks had issues getting through the Triangle because a portion of the bridge collapsed on 470, it took less than a month to fix. The city shut down the 87th Street access to 435, to allow for a seamless, non-stop U-turn for folks heading from one suburb (Lee’s Summit) to another (Overland Park). Its outrageous. Its absolutely outrageous, that a freaking bridge with multiple other options to avoid the debacle receives priority, while meanwhile, Bannister has been one lane in each direction east of the Watkins for over a year, because the rebuild project is stalled due to a lack of funds. The rebuild of Red Bridge itself is taking longer than it should. The simple rebuild of drainage and curbage on Blue Ridge between 107th and Red Bridge is dragging into its 6th month of a 3 month project.
And of course, the demolition of Bannister Mall and surrounding areas was halted due to a lack of ideas about what to replace it with. Here’s a thought – once a viable idea is brought up, its going to cost MORE to demolish it later than it will to demolish it now! Things always cost more over time! Why not finish the job you started now, and save the city (or private development) thousands of dollars a year or two from now, when a decent proposal gets off the ground to redevelopment the site?
So to Councilpersons Sharp and Jolly, I simply ask, what the f*ck are you doing for us, your constituates? People who don’t pay the earnings tax, don’t live in the city, they have priority when it comes to road projects over those of us who are sticking this out in hopes of something better coming along? Where are your priorities, councilpersons? With the Northland? With Midtown? With the suburbs that are slowly yet surely sucking the life out of your district? Because that’s the only logical conclusion one can draw based on your actions (and inactions) over the past few years when it comes to the health and vitality of the district and the people you represent.
But all of this so far, is simply designed to stop the bleeding. At some point, it will stop. At some point, redevelopment will begin. It always does. Witness the comeback of the area between the Plaza and Brookside. Witness the comeback of the Northeast Corridor. Even where I used to live in college for a while, out in Cityview in south Fort Worth, that area literally took a landfill, and turned it into one of the main shopping areas of the south side of the city. In a landfill! If they can do that, we can achieve anything. Which brings me to …
5. Tax increment financing for minority-owned businesses in District 6.
This one, I fear, is controversial. But let’s face it – I’m a huge minority out here. There aren’t many white folks that live in my area. In the 8 apartment buildings (32 units) and 8 townhouses that make up my section of the world, you can count on 3 fingers the number of white folks that live there. And two of them are our building super and his girlfriend. (I’m the other one).
So while some white folks may howl, and b*tch and moan, about “discrimination” in that I would offer TIF to minority business owners and noone else … I simply ask, where are you now? Why aren’t you investing in this community now? Why do you need a break to invest in this part of the city’s future?
Most of the business still left in this area, are already minority-owned. There’s a few chain stores left – we still have the Price Chopper, we still have the CVS and the Walgreens. But most everything else in strip malls all around south KC, is minority owned businesses. Its high damned time we cut them a break, gave them an incentive not just to stick around, but to possibly expand, remodel, renovate the area.
This is already occurring, by the way, in the strip mall at 63rd and Blue Ridge. There’s not much left there – a Price Chopper, a Rent a Center, a Dollar General, a couple payday loan joints. Everything else has fled. Its not a pleasant site … at least until a few months ago.
When Price Chopper itself (thanks to some tax breaks from Raytown) literally threw millions of dollars into a complete overhaul of the site. They gutted, renovated, and expanded the interior of the Price Chopper this summer, to bring it up to par with a Hen House, or the HyVee on Gregory and 350 that just opened. Its as nice a grocery store as you could ever hope to step foot into. This summer, they’ve been renovating the exterior of every unit in the strip mall. New signage, new painting, new pavement, new stripping of said new pavement. When they’re done in a couple weeks, it will look good, look sharp, look … inviting. Which is the point.
If I was looking to open, say, a small business. For sh*ts and giggles, let’s say I wanted to open a sports memorabilia business. I wouldn’t need much room, just a small pad site in a strip mall. Where would I invest – in a newly renovated site at 63rd and Blue Ridge, or a deteriorating site at 87th and Blue Ridge? The site at 87th still (somehow) has more businesses open … but for how much longer? In the last 18 months, the site at 87th has lost its bowling alley, lost the Gordman’s. The Bank of America is closing by the end of the year supposedly. Why would I invest in a KCMO strip mall with little going for it, when I can move 3 miles down the same street, into a strip mall with not just the major retailer throwing money into its investment, but the city willing to work with me as well?
(The answer: I wouldn’t. I’d open on 63rd in Raytown).
And that’s the problem that KCMO and District 6 face right now. The backlash against TIF due to Power and Light is staggering. The lack of investment in infrastructure south of the Plaza is a disgrace. (Unless of course, the “white flight” suburban folks have to spend an extra 2 minutes in traffic. Then of course, we move heaven and earth to rebuild a 250 ft section of road). There’s no incentive for minority entrepreneurs to invest in their community. There’s no incentive (or penalty) for existing national retailers to stick around.
And when you throw all those things together … what incentive is there to keep those of us with the financial capabilities of getting out, from leaving? Other than a desire to see things through, to improve on where we live?
This area is not as bad as the media and other citizens make it out to be. As I continually point out to people who ask “why would you want to live there”, Ali Kemp wasn’t abducted from south KC. She was abducted from a pool in Leawood. Kelsey Smith wasn’t abducted from south KC. She was abducted from Oak Park Mall. Where is the outcry of crime and rampant insecurity in those areas? Its all in your perception.
To change perception, sometimes you have to accept the perception, and work with it. Which is why I want to expand the Fire headquarters to include a Police unit. You have to give businesses a reason to stick around, which is why I’d offer tax breaks for redevelopment. But if they still want to leave, make them pay a price for doing so, via tax penalties for breaking a lease. You’ve got to spruce up the area, to make it attractive for investors, which is why Councilpersons Sharp and Jolly need to be pestoring the acting City Manager 24/7/365 for more funding for infrastructure south of 75th Street.
And most of all, you’ve got to give the residents of the area a reason to invest in their community. Which is why TIF financing for minority business owners should be City Hall’s Priority One. Cordish was coming to Power and Light whether they got TIF or not. Why waste millions (approaching billions) on a company already on board with the project, when you could shift just a small percentage of that to a small business owner just trying to survive? Or just trying to get started?
Small business, community owned business, is what drives this nation’s economy. Despite all the Wal-Marts, despite all the Targets, the Best Buys, the Conglomos that arise, without small, community driven business, your community dies. The reason District Six still has a pulse, is said small, community oriented businesses. For District Six to rise again, we have to focus on them, we have to support them, back them (via tax breaks, incentives, and our shopping dollars). And ensure their survival.
Because once the small local businesses start folding up shop, its over. Contrary to what the Star would have you believe this morning, we’ve not yet reached that point in South KC. When I can still get my hair cut at Corner Cuts, I can still get my bottles of shiraz and vodka at Barnyard Liquors or Shamrock Liquors, I can still get a burnt end sandwich and fries at Tom’s, I can still grocery shop at Price Chopper, so long as these local businesses stay open for business, it’s not over. That’s what we need to focus on to revive the Bannister area – more local business. Because if the local is thriving, the national will eventually show up to try to take them over …
(Note: from this point forward, all pulled quotes and paragraphs from The Star’s editorial will appear in italics. I have cited the Star’s article in the prior paragraph. I hate plagiarism in all forms, hence my “note” right here to distinguish my thoughts from The Star’s editorial board. Thanks.)
It’s actually a really good read. I encourage anyone clicking to this posting to read The Star’s editorial. For once, someone “gets it”. Kudos to the Star for figuring out why this area is currently a “failure”. (More on that in a minute or three).
What disappointed me though, is that while the Star correctly identified the problem, they botched the solution.
Go ahead, read away on the link above, or click here. I can wait 5 minutes.
(Or 20 minutes ... if you want to read Labelscar's take on the downfall of Bannister Mall, and the reader reactions to it ...)
So, here’s my take on the editorial.
First, a little background. I moved to District 6 a little over 42 months ago. I moved here for a few reasons. Location – closer to the spots I hang out at in the summer and the fall. (I’m a hermit in the winter – you have a better chance of getting a grizzley bear out of his cave in January, than you do of getting me to go out on a Saturday night. Its too cold). Cost – it is definitely a lower cost of living here than it was where I moved from in western Shawnee. Living situation – moving in with one of my best friends after my former roommate Gregg was getting married.
I never anticipated spending more than a year, maybe two, out here. I figured I’d ride out the new situation for a while, then move back to Johnson County at some point.
Only, something strange happened. I grew to like it out here. Is this the “safest” part of town? Hell no, as witnessed by the fact that the convenience store down the street from me has had two separate shootings in the last four days, resulting in one death so far. Is this the “nicest” part of town? No, but there are some areas, especially off of Red Bridge, that I would have no issues with calling home for the next 30 years. Is it “desirable” as a place to live? Arguable. I think its safe enough, and I’d be fine having my kids attend the Hickman Mills schools early on, then sending them to O’Hara for high school. But, conversely, I walk by a couple seedy hotels every day when I exercise, and it’s tough at times to count the number of cars with the JO licence plates on them. Now, I’m no surgeon, I defer to Damien for that designation … but JO plates in a seedy hotel parking lot that are there one minute, and gone the next? I’m guessing the men driving those automobiles aren’t visiting for 45-60 minutes at a time just to check out the hotel lobby.
But, having said that, it’s a comfortable place to live. Its got a great location, less than a mile to three major freeways that take you in any direction you need to go. Its affordable. And up until the last couple years, you didn’t have to drive far for anything you needed.
The Star noted that fact in its opening couple paragraphs … :
A brief history of the Bannister Mall shopping area:
In 1980, the mall at the northeast corner of Bannister Road and Interstate 435 opened with anchors J.C. Penney, Macy’s, The Jones Store and Sears. It grew to more than 150 stores and 1.1 million square feet of retail space. Benjamin Plaza stores were built nearby, featuring Wal-Mart’s Hypermart USA.
Fear of crime spread and some white flight occurred in the 1990s. Newer shopping centers opened in Lee’s Summit and Johnson County, draining customers. Dozens of mall shops closed. A proposal to build Bass Pro Shops at the mall died in 2002. The last anchor — Sears — shuttered in 2006. Bannister Mall closed in 2007 and was demolished in early 2009. A plan to build Wizards stadium there died in late 2009.
… but then sadly failed to expand on the (legitimate) reasons sited in the story for why the area is currently a failure. They accurately note that a proposed redevelopment in 2002, with Bass Pro Shops moving into the former north side of the mall (where Penney’s and Jones Store had already abandoned) never occurred. Why did it not occur? Greedy suburban development. More on this in a minute.
They accurately note that the plan to build a Wizards stadium, with supporting youth soccer facilities (and the ability to use the new stadium as a de-facto outdoor concert site, like they do with Pizza Hut Park in Plano), also failed. Why you ask, did the plan fall through? Greedy suburban development. More on that in a minute.
They accurately note later in the article that the Wal-Mart left in early 2007. They fail to note, but hint at, other big box retailers, dining establishments, and other retail outlets that bolted in 2007 and 2008, such as Best Buy, Petsmart, Blockbuster, Darryl’s, Bennigan’s, NTB, Red Lobster, Tropical Palms, Circuit City, IHOP, Denny’s. Even the adult entertainment establishment, Golddiggers, closed down. When a freaking strip club can’t make it in a rapidly-deteriorating part of town, you know things are bad. So why did most of these places leave? Greedy suburban development.
Which, to the Star’s credit, is exactly what they blamed for the downfall of this area:
The Bannister Mall example is a small piece of a much larger problem for this area.
It helps reveal the price of “progress” when it comes to building newer shops elsewhere. Often left behind are aging hulks of buildings, along with ugly abandoned parking lots, all of which are blights on neighborhoods.
Sadly, the Bannister Mall case is not unique. Others include Kansas City north of the river (Antioch Mall); Raytown (Wal-Mart and Hy-Vee left locations on Highway 350 for elsewhere in the city); and Mission (where the now-bulldozed Mission Center still awaits redevelopment) …
And then, the editorial hits at the real issue at hand:
The wasteland formerly known as Bannister Mall should trigger an important public discussion: How can we avoid overbuilding commercial and residential areas? How can this region move toward more sustainable growth and away from expensive, continued sprawl?
The Star, unfortunately, only offers up hopeful “office development” for the area. Sorry guys, but that ship sailed when Cerner bolted with the Wizards for Wyandotte County. To attract office development, you’ve got to give businesses a reason to locate here. And right now, there is no reason to locate here.
There are no restaurants to take clients and employees to, outside of fast food joints. (Unless you count Tom’s BBQ, which is a highly underrated joint on 93rd and Blue Ridge. It gets the Steve Seal of Approval. Other than that, there ain’t a joint within 5 miles of the apartment I would sit down and dine in. Because they’re all fast food joints).
There is no shopping for employees and clients, save for a ghetto K-Mart that still has wooden boards plastered all over the front of its building, where a “drive into the store wall and rob the place at night” attempt took place nearly a year ago, and a Burlington Coat Factory next to where the Wal-Mart used to be. There’s nowhere for clients to stay – the closest reputable hotels are ten miles north, south, or west, depending on what you’re looking for. Add it up – no dining, no retail, no place to stay. Why would any business want to locate their office here right now?
(The answer: they wouldn’t.)
Which is why I think the City of Kansas City needs to take five somewhat simple, yet completely proactive steps to (1) stop the deterioration of the area, and (2) begin the rebuild.
To be fair, (1) is going to be harder than (2). For starters, the perception that this is a crime-ridden area has to be overcome. You don’t do that overnight. You don’t do that by word of mouth. You do that by actions. Which is why my first four steps are devoted to halting the blight and the flight. And step one would be:
1. Build a new Police Headquarters for South Kansas City adjacent to where the new Fire Headquarters just went up at 93rd and Hillcrest.
The area is being used for nothing. Hell, they tore out the stoplight at 93rd, so few people use that intersection anymore. (OK, I use it every day, at least twice a day, but unless you live off 93rd like I do, you have no reason to be there).
I realize this is going to require a public safety tax to finance. To which my answer is, so? If the citizens of District 6 aren’t willing to tax themselves 1/8 of 1 cent over 10 years to build a new public safety complex, then we deserve whatever happens to us. Contrary to what Republicans and crack conservatives would have you believe, not all taxes are evil. Not all taxes are bad. Sometimes, they’re good, like in this case. Turn the entire corner there, from Bannister to 93rd, from Hillcrest to Marion, into a new Police and Fire Headquarters for the Southland. The Fire Headquarters is already there, having been built less than a year ago. Now, do the logical thing and add a police presence to the area.
I am aware that simply building a police building isn’t going to encourage folks to come back. But it might encourage the remaining businesses, of which we still have a few, to stay. But in case they needed added motivation …
2. Draft a bill, then pass it, in the City Council that offers tax incentives for businesses to redevelop where they exist, and most importantly,
3. Draft a bill, then pass it, in the City Council that places tax penalties on businesses for bailing for suburban development.
(2) is important … but (3) is more important.
Why do you think Wal-Mart left for a site 11 miles away? Tax breaks. Why do you think Bass Pro Shops didn’t build here, but instead built 15 miles away in Independence? Tax breaks. Why do you think the Wizards bolted across the state line, taking the Cerner office project with them? Tax breaks.
Nothing KCMO does can discourage other local municipalities from offering up insane tax incentives to draw businesses into their community. But KCMO can discourage businesses from leaving via heavy fines and penalties for bolting. And spare me the “is this Constitutional” crap. Anyone reading this ever heard of the Big XII Conference? Why do you think Colorado is sticking it out through 2012? Because they don’t want to pay the $20 million penalty for leaving the conference without a two years notice. Why do you think Nebraska is sticking it out through at least 2011? Because they are willing to pay a penalty, but not the full $20 something million, to leave early.
Businesses build clauses like this into rental agreements all the time. Why can’t the city build this into their agreement with giving a business a license to operate?
The Penney’s that was at Bannister is now 7 miles southeast. In Lee’s Summit. Ditto the Macy’s, the Petsmart, and every decent sit-down restaurant that bolted in the last four years. I’m not saying they wouldn’t have left for Summit Fair and Summit Woods, even with my (2) and (3) proposals in place. But – if CWB had financial motivation to upgrade Bannister Mall, and those business had financial penalties encouraging them to stay, would they at least have contemplated remaining where they were at?
At the end of the day, this is still America, no matter how much Barack Obama tries to destroy it. We are still a capitalistic society, for better or for worse. And businesses are free to come and go as they please. But I don’t see anything wrong with offering them “strong encouragement” to stay where they’re at.
Because its not just the Bannister Mall immediate area that’s seen a flight for the suburbs by business. Drive anywhere within a 5-6 mile radius of where the Mall used to stand. Abandoned strip malls, abandoned big box retailers, everywhere you look. All leaving for a better deal in the suburbs. Its high damned time the “leadership” of KCMO steps up and tries to halt the flight.
4. Our city councilmen need to fight for every penny of infrastructure improvements they can. John Sharp and Cathy Jolly are good, decent reps for us on the Council. They don’t embarrass themselves or their district (which is more than you can say for most of the rest of the council). But you will never convince me they are fighting for this district as hard as Deb Hermann is for the Northland. Or Sharon Sanders Brooks is for downtown and the Northeast. You see redevelopment, an investment in infrastructure, every day in those areas. Jan Marcason has seen incredible redevelopment south of the Plaza in her district. Where’s ours? What the hell are Councilpersons Sharp and Jolly doing, other than drawing a public salary?
In the last five years, this area has gone to the sh*tter. Businesses fleeing. Roads crumbling. Infrastructure deteriorating. Case in point – last May, we had a water main break outside the complex I live at, causing a loss of water. For four days! How the f*ck does it take four days to repair a water main break! It took nearly three days to get the power back up after the July storms knocked it out the weekend after the Fourth.
But – but! – when the “white flight” folks had issues getting through the Triangle because a portion of the bridge collapsed on 470, it took less than a month to fix. The city shut down the 87th Street access to 435, to allow for a seamless, non-stop U-turn for folks heading from one suburb (Lee’s Summit) to another (Overland Park). Its outrageous. Its absolutely outrageous, that a freaking bridge with multiple other options to avoid the debacle receives priority, while meanwhile, Bannister has been one lane in each direction east of the Watkins for over a year, because the rebuild project is stalled due to a lack of funds. The rebuild of Red Bridge itself is taking longer than it should. The simple rebuild of drainage and curbage on Blue Ridge between 107th and Red Bridge is dragging into its 6th month of a 3 month project.
And of course, the demolition of Bannister Mall and surrounding areas was halted due to a lack of ideas about what to replace it with. Here’s a thought – once a viable idea is brought up, its going to cost MORE to demolish it later than it will to demolish it now! Things always cost more over time! Why not finish the job you started now, and save the city (or private development) thousands of dollars a year or two from now, when a decent proposal gets off the ground to redevelopment the site?
So to Councilpersons Sharp and Jolly, I simply ask, what the f*ck are you doing for us, your constituates? People who don’t pay the earnings tax, don’t live in the city, they have priority when it comes to road projects over those of us who are sticking this out in hopes of something better coming along? Where are your priorities, councilpersons? With the Northland? With Midtown? With the suburbs that are slowly yet surely sucking the life out of your district? Because that’s the only logical conclusion one can draw based on your actions (and inactions) over the past few years when it comes to the health and vitality of the district and the people you represent.
But all of this so far, is simply designed to stop the bleeding. At some point, it will stop. At some point, redevelopment will begin. It always does. Witness the comeback of the area between the Plaza and Brookside. Witness the comeback of the Northeast Corridor. Even where I used to live in college for a while, out in Cityview in south Fort Worth, that area literally took a landfill, and turned it into one of the main shopping areas of the south side of the city. In a landfill! If they can do that, we can achieve anything. Which brings me to …
5. Tax increment financing for minority-owned businesses in District 6.
This one, I fear, is controversial. But let’s face it – I’m a huge minority out here. There aren’t many white folks that live in my area. In the 8 apartment buildings (32 units) and 8 townhouses that make up my section of the world, you can count on 3 fingers the number of white folks that live there. And two of them are our building super and his girlfriend. (I’m the other one).
So while some white folks may howl, and b*tch and moan, about “discrimination” in that I would offer TIF to minority business owners and noone else … I simply ask, where are you now? Why aren’t you investing in this community now? Why do you need a break to invest in this part of the city’s future?
Most of the business still left in this area, are already minority-owned. There’s a few chain stores left – we still have the Price Chopper, we still have the CVS and the Walgreens. But most everything else in strip malls all around south KC, is minority owned businesses. Its high damned time we cut them a break, gave them an incentive not just to stick around, but to possibly expand, remodel, renovate the area.
This is already occurring, by the way, in the strip mall at 63rd and Blue Ridge. There’s not much left there – a Price Chopper, a Rent a Center, a Dollar General, a couple payday loan joints. Everything else has fled. Its not a pleasant site … at least until a few months ago.
When Price Chopper itself (thanks to some tax breaks from Raytown) literally threw millions of dollars into a complete overhaul of the site. They gutted, renovated, and expanded the interior of the Price Chopper this summer, to bring it up to par with a Hen House, or the HyVee on Gregory and 350 that just opened. Its as nice a grocery store as you could ever hope to step foot into. This summer, they’ve been renovating the exterior of every unit in the strip mall. New signage, new painting, new pavement, new stripping of said new pavement. When they’re done in a couple weeks, it will look good, look sharp, look … inviting. Which is the point.
If I was looking to open, say, a small business. For sh*ts and giggles, let’s say I wanted to open a sports memorabilia business. I wouldn’t need much room, just a small pad site in a strip mall. Where would I invest – in a newly renovated site at 63rd and Blue Ridge, or a deteriorating site at 87th and Blue Ridge? The site at 87th still (somehow) has more businesses open … but for how much longer? In the last 18 months, the site at 87th has lost its bowling alley, lost the Gordman’s. The Bank of America is closing by the end of the year supposedly. Why would I invest in a KCMO strip mall with little going for it, when I can move 3 miles down the same street, into a strip mall with not just the major retailer throwing money into its investment, but the city willing to work with me as well?
(The answer: I wouldn’t. I’d open on 63rd in Raytown).
And that’s the problem that KCMO and District 6 face right now. The backlash against TIF due to Power and Light is staggering. The lack of investment in infrastructure south of the Plaza is a disgrace. (Unless of course, the “white flight” suburban folks have to spend an extra 2 minutes in traffic. Then of course, we move heaven and earth to rebuild a 250 ft section of road). There’s no incentive for minority entrepreneurs to invest in their community. There’s no incentive (or penalty) for existing national retailers to stick around.
And when you throw all those things together … what incentive is there to keep those of us with the financial capabilities of getting out, from leaving? Other than a desire to see things through, to improve on where we live?
This area is not as bad as the media and other citizens make it out to be. As I continually point out to people who ask “why would you want to live there”, Ali Kemp wasn’t abducted from south KC. She was abducted from a pool in Leawood. Kelsey Smith wasn’t abducted from south KC. She was abducted from Oak Park Mall. Where is the outcry of crime and rampant insecurity in those areas? Its all in your perception.
To change perception, sometimes you have to accept the perception, and work with it. Which is why I want to expand the Fire headquarters to include a Police unit. You have to give businesses a reason to stick around, which is why I’d offer tax breaks for redevelopment. But if they still want to leave, make them pay a price for doing so, via tax penalties for breaking a lease. You’ve got to spruce up the area, to make it attractive for investors, which is why Councilpersons Sharp and Jolly need to be pestoring the acting City Manager 24/7/365 for more funding for infrastructure south of 75th Street.
And most of all, you’ve got to give the residents of the area a reason to invest in their community. Which is why TIF financing for minority business owners should be City Hall’s Priority One. Cordish was coming to Power and Light whether they got TIF or not. Why waste millions (approaching billions) on a company already on board with the project, when you could shift just a small percentage of that to a small business owner just trying to survive? Or just trying to get started?
Small business, community owned business, is what drives this nation’s economy. Despite all the Wal-Marts, despite all the Targets, the Best Buys, the Conglomos that arise, without small, community driven business, your community dies. The reason District Six still has a pulse, is said small, community oriented businesses. For District Six to rise again, we have to focus on them, we have to support them, back them (via tax breaks, incentives, and our shopping dollars). And ensure their survival.
Because once the small local businesses start folding up shop, its over. Contrary to what the Star would have you believe this morning, we’ve not yet reached that point in South KC. When I can still get my hair cut at Corner Cuts, I can still get my bottles of shiraz and vodka at Barnyard Liquors or Shamrock Liquors, I can still get a burnt end sandwich and fries at Tom’s, I can still grocery shop at Price Chopper, so long as these local businesses stay open for business, it’s not over. That’s what we need to focus on to revive the Bannister area – more local business. Because if the local is thriving, the national will eventually show up to try to take them over …
my 2010 nfl predictions
Well, here it is.
“The most anticipated post of the year”.
My 2010 NFL Predictions.
As always, I have run every team’s schedule, predicting each game’s outcome. This year, I did it in Excel, so you can see how I arrived at each team’s predicted outcome.
There were a few surprises … but only one outcome that truly shocked me.
Let’s do this!
NFC East:
Predicted Order of Finish:
1. Dallas Cowboys 11-5-0
2. Washington Redskins 10-6-0
3. New York Giants 8-8-0
4. Philadelphia Eagles 4-12-0
Key Game: Redskins at Cowboys, week 15. The winner of that game is who wound up winning this division.
Two Other Key Games: Redskins at Eagles, week 4. If Philly drops this one, its over. You can recover from 0-3. Only one NFL team has ever rallied from 0-4 to make the playoffs (1992 Chargers), and no NFL team has ever started worse than 0-4 and made it. Giants at Packers, week 16. Another do-or-die game late in the season.
Most Surprising Result: none. The Redskins were my sleeper prior to running the schedules, and wound up as the best non-division winner. The Eagles I have been predicting will implode ever since they traded McNabb. And look at their first seven games. 1-6 is NOT a shocking outcome. The Giants smell like a .500 team, which is where they wound up. And Dallas I expected to be a playoff team, and they are.
Final Prediction: I believe this is “Fat” Andy Reid’s final season in Philadelphia. In praise of “Fat” Andy Reid though, what a run! He took over a bottomed out franchise in 1999. Reached the divisional round in 2000. The NFC Title Game in 2001, 2002, and 2003. The Super Bowl in 2004. The divisional round in 2006 and the NFC Title Game again in 2008, plus a wildcard berth in 2009. That’s a helluva run. One that, as a Chiefs fan, I might kill to achieve …
NFC North:
Predicted Order of Finish:
1. Chicago Bears 10-6-0
2. Green Bay Packers 9-7-0
3. Minnesota Vikings 8-8-0
4. Detroit Lions 4-12-0
Key Game: Packers at Lions, week 14. My predicted humongous upset in this spot not only cost the Packers the division, it cost them a playoff berth.
Two Other Key Games: Redskins at Bears, week 7. A huge mid-season matchup between my two surprise teams. Vikings at Packers, week 7. Might be the biggest game Minnesota will play this year. In the midst of a tough five game stretch against 2009 playoff teams.
Most Surprising Result: the Bears winning the division was a mild surprise. Although I’m not sold on Green Bay at all (no defense), and the Vikings smell like that “overhyped team that opens horribly, then rallies to a respectable finish” team that the 2004 Chiefs were.
Final Prediction: I have the Vikings winning seven of their last nine. That’s because I believe Brad Childress will be fired after losing that week seven Sunday nighter in Lambeau.
NFC South:
Predicted Order of Finish:
1. Atlanta Falcons 12-4-0
2. Carolina Panthers 9-7-0
3. New Orleans Saints 9-7-0
4. Tampa Bay Buccaneers 5-11-0
Key Game: Saints at Falcons, week 16. Ends a stretch of four roadies in five games for the Saints, all against plus .500 teams from 2009. They’ll need this one if they want to avoid the wildcard tie-break cluster f*ck scenario I anticipate happening.
Two Other Key Games: Saints at Bucs, week 6. For some reason, the Saints always lose in Tampa. I predicted that outcome once again, ultimately costing the Saints a chance to defend their title. Packers at Falcons, week 12. I can definitely see this one getting flexed to NBC, should be a great shootout of a game.
Most Surprising Result: another mild shocker in Carolina finishing above .500 and getting into said cluster f*ck scenario for the sixth seed. Other than that, nothing.
Final Prediction: anyone who says the NFL favors the good teams in scheduling, note that the Saints close with four of six on the road, all against teams that finished above .500 last season. Anything less than 3-3 in that final six, and I don’t see the Saints reaching the postseason.
NFC West:
Predicted Order of Finish:
1. San Francisco 49ers 10-6-0
2. Seattle Seahawks 8-8-0
3. Arizona “Super” Cardinals 6-10-0
4. St. Louis Rams 1-15-0
Key Game: Seahawks at 49ers, week 14. Winner takes the division.
Two Other Key Games: Saints at 49ers, week 2. If the 49ers lose this one, they easily could open 0-4, and open the floodgates to the first ever sub .500 team to qualify for the postseason. 49ers at Packers, week 13. The one difficult game the 49ers face after the bye. And an excellent gauge to see just how big of a threat the 49ers are.
Most Surprising Result: none. There’s only one playoff-caliber team in this division, and they will win it.
Final Prediction: The Rams will clean house after this season in the front office, hiring the best man available to oversee a needed rebuild. That man will be … Carl Peterson.
Playoff Teams:
1. Atlanta Falcons
2. Dallas Cowboys
3. San Francisco 49ers (conference record tiebreak over Bears)
4. Chicago Bears
5. Washington Redskins
6. Carolina Panthers (tiebreaker via record against common opponents over Saints and Packers)
AFC East:
Predicted Order of Finish:
1. New England Patriots 12-4-0
2. Miami Dolphins 10-6-0
3. New York Jets 9-7-0
4. Buffalo Bills 5-11-0
Key Game: Dolphins at Jets, week 14. Winner takes a wildcard berth, loser enters the AFC cluster f*ck at 9-7 for last team in.
Two Other Key Games: Dolphins at raiders, week 12. An interesting late November matchup. Jets at Patriots, week 13. I believe this will jump-start the Jets collapse.
Most Surprising Result: the Jets complete collapse down the stretch. Again. We saw it in 2008 (lost 5 of 6 to miss the playoffs). We saw it last year (lost 4 straight before winning last two to steal final playoff berth). And it appears we’re gonna witness it again in 2010, as I have the Jets losing every game they play in December.
Final Prediction: CJ Spiller wins the AFC Rookie of the Year, and leads the Bills to at least one huge upset they have no business pulling off. (My bet? vs Jets week 4).
AFC North:
Predicted Order of Finish:
1. Baltimore Ravens 11-5-0
2. Cincinnati Bengals 9-7-0
3. Pittsburgh Steelers 8-8-0
4. Cleveland Browns 0-16-0
Key Game: Bengals at Ravens, week 17. I have it as a “win and they’re in” scenario for the Bengals. With the predicted loss, they fall into a four way tie for the final playoff berth.
Two Other Key Games: Browns at Bucs, week 1. The Browns best chance at a win? Ravens at Steelers, week 4. The biggest game the Steelers will play this year, as they should be 1-2 entering this one.
Most Surprising Result: none. Steelers open 1-3 without Ben and don’t recover. Ravens open slow with two ridiculously tough roadies, then fly through the rest of the schedule. Bengals are in the playoff mix. And Eric Mangini joins Rod Marinelli in the (justly earned) “worst NFL Coach in history” debate by presiding over a 0-16 squad.
Final Prediction: I have no idea who the Cleveland Browns will select as the first overall pick in the 2011 NFL Draft, but he will be a bust.
AFC South:
Predicted Order of Finish:
1. Indianapolis Colts 11-5-0
2. Jacksonville Jaguars 9-7-0
3. Tennessee Titans 8-8-0
4. Houston Texans 7-9-0
Key Game: Colts at Patriots, week 11. Winner gets home field advantage in the AFC. Loser risks having to win three, two of them likely on the road, to get to Dallas in February.
Two Other Key Games: Cowboys at Texans, week 3. Believe it or not, this is a huge rivalry. Even though they’ve only played for keeps twice. Jaguars at Texans, week 17. A game that should have huge wild card ramifications.
Most Surprising Result: the Texans. This one shocked me. I really have been high on the Texans chances prior to today. But look at the schedule – you find me more than seven wins in there. And I was extremely generous in giving them wins over Indy, Dallas, and Baltimore to get to seven.
Final Prediction: the Texans clean house after this season, giving Bill Cowher complete control over the franchise.
AFC West:
Predicted Order of Finish:
1. Kansas City Chiefs 10-6-0
2. oakland raiders 9-7-0
3. denver broncos 7-9-0
4. san diego “super” chargers 7-9-0
Key Game: Chiefs at raiders, week 9. If the Chiefs do what they’ve done seven straight times, they’re in great shape to win the division.
Two Other Key Games: Chargers at Chiefs, week 1. Everything I based my Chiefs season predictions on, is based on winning this game. It’s the biggest game Arrowhead has hosted since denver on Thanksgiving Night 2006. broncos at raiders, week 15. As always, if an act that is terroristic in nature occurs during this game, it is NOT a national tragedy.
Most Surprising Result: that the Chargers even won seven? This team is not that good. Two of their best players are holding out, and will miss a significant chunk of the season. They’re still coached by “Stanley Roper”. And unlike the last three years, when horrendous starts gave way to rock solid Decembers thanks to padded schedules, there’s no layups down the stretch for the Chargers this year. The last six are all against either hated divisional rivals, or teams I project to finish above .500.
Final Prediction: the AFC West is poised to return to its glory days of the late 1990s / early 2000s, when every team had a shot to win the division every year. Over the 10 year stretch between 1993 and 2002, every team won the division at least once, three different teams reached the Super Bowl, and all four teams played for the AFC championship. (Seattle won the division in 1999, but that’s it – they’re the only team that didn’t win at least one playoff game in that stretch).
Oh, and before you call me a “homer”, and “completely insane” … realize that ESPN the Magazine picked our Kansas City Chiefs to win the AFC West. ESPN. A (somewhat) credible source. They picked the Chiefs. Now, I will grant you, knowing my luck, Jeremy Green wrote the AFC West preview, and he was high on blow while watching kiddie porn at the time he wrote his column. (Allegedly, of course. You are always innocent until proven guilty in a court of law, no matter how many pipes, kiddie porn files, and grams of crack you’re arrested with in that hotel room). But still – I’m not driving the Chiefs bandwagon this year. ESPN the Magazine is.
Playoff Teams:
1. New England Patriots 12-4-0
2. Baltimore Ravens 11-5-0 (conference record tiebreak over Colts)
3. Indianapolis Colts 11-5-0
4. Kansas City Chiefs 10-6-0
5. Miami Dolphins 10-6-0
6. Jacksonville Jaguars 9-7-0. I think, emphasis on think, I think I calculated this right. I have four teams from four different divisions finish 9-7 (Jets, Bengals, Jags, raiders). The first tiebreak is within the division, but there is no divisional tiebreak to, uuh, break. So, second tiebreak would be head to head. Each only played one of the other teams. I have the Jags beating the raiders, and the Jets beating the Bengals. So, if I’m right, then it’s down to the Jags and Jets. They did not play head to head. Here’s where I get confused, but either way, the Jags win. If the second tiebreaker is common opponents, the Jags win 3-1 vs 2-2. If its conference record, the Jags win 7-5 vs 6-6. So … I’m picking the Jaguars to earn the right to lose 44-13 to Indy to open the 2010 Playoffs.
Postseason Predictions:
Wild Card Round:
5 Redskins over 4 Bears
3 49ers over 6 Panthers
4 Chiefs over 5 Dolphins
3 Colts over 6 Jaguars
Divisional Round:
1 Falcons over 5 Redskins
2 Cowboys over 3 49ers
1 Patriots over 4 Chiefs
3 Colts over 2 Ravens
Championship Round:
2 Cowboys over 1 Falcons
3 Colts over 1 Patriots
Super Bowl Prediction:
Cowboys 34, Colts 31.
“The most anticipated post of the year”.
My 2010 NFL Predictions.
As always, I have run every team’s schedule, predicting each game’s outcome. This year, I did it in Excel, so you can see how I arrived at each team’s predicted outcome.
There were a few surprises … but only one outcome that truly shocked me.
Let’s do this!
NFC East:
Predicted Order of Finish:
1. Dallas Cowboys 11-5-0
2. Washington Redskins 10-6-0
3. New York Giants 8-8-0
4. Philadelphia Eagles 4-12-0
Key Game: Redskins at Cowboys, week 15. The winner of that game is who wound up winning this division.
Two Other Key Games: Redskins at Eagles, week 4. If Philly drops this one, its over. You can recover from 0-3. Only one NFL team has ever rallied from 0-4 to make the playoffs (1992 Chargers), and no NFL team has ever started worse than 0-4 and made it. Giants at Packers, week 16. Another do-or-die game late in the season.
Most Surprising Result: none. The Redskins were my sleeper prior to running the schedules, and wound up as the best non-division winner. The Eagles I have been predicting will implode ever since they traded McNabb. And look at their first seven games. 1-6 is NOT a shocking outcome. The Giants smell like a .500 team, which is where they wound up. And Dallas I expected to be a playoff team, and they are.
Final Prediction: I believe this is “Fat” Andy Reid’s final season in Philadelphia. In praise of “Fat” Andy Reid though, what a run! He took over a bottomed out franchise in 1999. Reached the divisional round in 2000. The NFC Title Game in 2001, 2002, and 2003. The Super Bowl in 2004. The divisional round in 2006 and the NFC Title Game again in 2008, plus a wildcard berth in 2009. That’s a helluva run. One that, as a Chiefs fan, I might kill to achieve …
NFC North:
Predicted Order of Finish:
1. Chicago Bears 10-6-0
2. Green Bay Packers 9-7-0
3. Minnesota Vikings 8-8-0
4. Detroit Lions 4-12-0
Key Game: Packers at Lions, week 14. My predicted humongous upset in this spot not only cost the Packers the division, it cost them a playoff berth.
Two Other Key Games: Redskins at Bears, week 7. A huge mid-season matchup between my two surprise teams. Vikings at Packers, week 7. Might be the biggest game Minnesota will play this year. In the midst of a tough five game stretch against 2009 playoff teams.
Most Surprising Result: the Bears winning the division was a mild surprise. Although I’m not sold on Green Bay at all (no defense), and the Vikings smell like that “overhyped team that opens horribly, then rallies to a respectable finish” team that the 2004 Chiefs were.
Final Prediction: I have the Vikings winning seven of their last nine. That’s because I believe Brad Childress will be fired after losing that week seven Sunday nighter in Lambeau.
NFC South:
Predicted Order of Finish:
1. Atlanta Falcons 12-4-0
2. Carolina Panthers 9-7-0
3. New Orleans Saints 9-7-0
4. Tampa Bay Buccaneers 5-11-0
Key Game: Saints at Falcons, week 16. Ends a stretch of four roadies in five games for the Saints, all against plus .500 teams from 2009. They’ll need this one if they want to avoid the wildcard tie-break cluster f*ck scenario I anticipate happening.
Two Other Key Games: Saints at Bucs, week 6. For some reason, the Saints always lose in Tampa. I predicted that outcome once again, ultimately costing the Saints a chance to defend their title. Packers at Falcons, week 12. I can definitely see this one getting flexed to NBC, should be a great shootout of a game.
Most Surprising Result: another mild shocker in Carolina finishing above .500 and getting into said cluster f*ck scenario for the sixth seed. Other than that, nothing.
Final Prediction: anyone who says the NFL favors the good teams in scheduling, note that the Saints close with four of six on the road, all against teams that finished above .500 last season. Anything less than 3-3 in that final six, and I don’t see the Saints reaching the postseason.
NFC West:
Predicted Order of Finish:
1. San Francisco 49ers 10-6-0
2. Seattle Seahawks 8-8-0
3. Arizona “Super” Cardinals 6-10-0
4. St. Louis Rams 1-15-0
Key Game: Seahawks at 49ers, week 14. Winner takes the division.
Two Other Key Games: Saints at 49ers, week 2. If the 49ers lose this one, they easily could open 0-4, and open the floodgates to the first ever sub .500 team to qualify for the postseason. 49ers at Packers, week 13. The one difficult game the 49ers face after the bye. And an excellent gauge to see just how big of a threat the 49ers are.
Most Surprising Result: none. There’s only one playoff-caliber team in this division, and they will win it.
Final Prediction: The Rams will clean house after this season in the front office, hiring the best man available to oversee a needed rebuild. That man will be … Carl Peterson.
Playoff Teams:
1. Atlanta Falcons
2. Dallas Cowboys
3. San Francisco 49ers (conference record tiebreak over Bears)
4. Chicago Bears
5. Washington Redskins
6. Carolina Panthers (tiebreaker via record against common opponents over Saints and Packers)
AFC East:
Predicted Order of Finish:
1. New England Patriots 12-4-0
2. Miami Dolphins 10-6-0
3. New York Jets 9-7-0
4. Buffalo Bills 5-11-0
Key Game: Dolphins at Jets, week 14. Winner takes a wildcard berth, loser enters the AFC cluster f*ck at 9-7 for last team in.
Two Other Key Games: Dolphins at raiders, week 12. An interesting late November matchup. Jets at Patriots, week 13. I believe this will jump-start the Jets collapse.
Most Surprising Result: the Jets complete collapse down the stretch. Again. We saw it in 2008 (lost 5 of 6 to miss the playoffs). We saw it last year (lost 4 straight before winning last two to steal final playoff berth). And it appears we’re gonna witness it again in 2010, as I have the Jets losing every game they play in December.
Final Prediction: CJ Spiller wins the AFC Rookie of the Year, and leads the Bills to at least one huge upset they have no business pulling off. (My bet? vs Jets week 4).
AFC North:
Predicted Order of Finish:
1. Baltimore Ravens 11-5-0
2. Cincinnati Bengals 9-7-0
3. Pittsburgh Steelers 8-8-0
4. Cleveland Browns 0-16-0
Key Game: Bengals at Ravens, week 17. I have it as a “win and they’re in” scenario for the Bengals. With the predicted loss, they fall into a four way tie for the final playoff berth.
Two Other Key Games: Browns at Bucs, week 1. The Browns best chance at a win? Ravens at Steelers, week 4. The biggest game the Steelers will play this year, as they should be 1-2 entering this one.
Most Surprising Result: none. Steelers open 1-3 without Ben and don’t recover. Ravens open slow with two ridiculously tough roadies, then fly through the rest of the schedule. Bengals are in the playoff mix. And Eric Mangini joins Rod Marinelli in the (justly earned) “worst NFL Coach in history” debate by presiding over a 0-16 squad.
Final Prediction: I have no idea who the Cleveland Browns will select as the first overall pick in the 2011 NFL Draft, but he will be a bust.
AFC South:
Predicted Order of Finish:
1. Indianapolis Colts 11-5-0
2. Jacksonville Jaguars 9-7-0
3. Tennessee Titans 8-8-0
4. Houston Texans 7-9-0
Key Game: Colts at Patriots, week 11. Winner gets home field advantage in the AFC. Loser risks having to win three, two of them likely on the road, to get to Dallas in February.
Two Other Key Games: Cowboys at Texans, week 3. Believe it or not, this is a huge rivalry. Even though they’ve only played for keeps twice. Jaguars at Texans, week 17. A game that should have huge wild card ramifications.
Most Surprising Result: the Texans. This one shocked me. I really have been high on the Texans chances prior to today. But look at the schedule – you find me more than seven wins in there. And I was extremely generous in giving them wins over Indy, Dallas, and Baltimore to get to seven.
Final Prediction: the Texans clean house after this season, giving Bill Cowher complete control over the franchise.
AFC West:
Predicted Order of Finish:
1. Kansas City Chiefs 10-6-0
2. oakland raiders 9-7-0
3. denver broncos 7-9-0
4. san diego “super” chargers 7-9-0
Key Game: Chiefs at raiders, week 9. If the Chiefs do what they’ve done seven straight times, they’re in great shape to win the division.
Two Other Key Games: Chargers at Chiefs, week 1. Everything I based my Chiefs season predictions on, is based on winning this game. It’s the biggest game Arrowhead has hosted since denver on Thanksgiving Night 2006. broncos at raiders, week 15. As always, if an act that is terroristic in nature occurs during this game, it is NOT a national tragedy.
Most Surprising Result: that the Chargers even won seven? This team is not that good. Two of their best players are holding out, and will miss a significant chunk of the season. They’re still coached by “Stanley Roper”. And unlike the last three years, when horrendous starts gave way to rock solid Decembers thanks to padded schedules, there’s no layups down the stretch for the Chargers this year. The last six are all against either hated divisional rivals, or teams I project to finish above .500.
Final Prediction: the AFC West is poised to return to its glory days of the late 1990s / early 2000s, when every team had a shot to win the division every year. Over the 10 year stretch between 1993 and 2002, every team won the division at least once, three different teams reached the Super Bowl, and all four teams played for the AFC championship. (Seattle won the division in 1999, but that’s it – they’re the only team that didn’t win at least one playoff game in that stretch).
Oh, and before you call me a “homer”, and “completely insane” … realize that ESPN the Magazine picked our Kansas City Chiefs to win the AFC West. ESPN. A (somewhat) credible source. They picked the Chiefs. Now, I will grant you, knowing my luck, Jeremy Green wrote the AFC West preview, and he was high on blow while watching kiddie porn at the time he wrote his column. (Allegedly, of course. You are always innocent until proven guilty in a court of law, no matter how many pipes, kiddie porn files, and grams of crack you’re arrested with in that hotel room). But still – I’m not driving the Chiefs bandwagon this year. ESPN the Magazine is.
Playoff Teams:
1. New England Patriots 12-4-0
2. Baltimore Ravens 11-5-0 (conference record tiebreak over Colts)
3. Indianapolis Colts 11-5-0
4. Kansas City Chiefs 10-6-0
5. Miami Dolphins 10-6-0
6. Jacksonville Jaguars 9-7-0. I think, emphasis on think, I think I calculated this right. I have four teams from four different divisions finish 9-7 (Jets, Bengals, Jags, raiders). The first tiebreak is within the division, but there is no divisional tiebreak to, uuh, break. So, second tiebreak would be head to head. Each only played one of the other teams. I have the Jags beating the raiders, and the Jets beating the Bengals. So, if I’m right, then it’s down to the Jags and Jets. They did not play head to head. Here’s where I get confused, but either way, the Jags win. If the second tiebreaker is common opponents, the Jags win 3-1 vs 2-2. If its conference record, the Jags win 7-5 vs 6-6. So … I’m picking the Jaguars to earn the right to lose 44-13 to Indy to open the 2010 Playoffs.
Postseason Predictions:
Wild Card Round:
5 Redskins over 4 Bears
3 49ers over 6 Panthers
4 Chiefs over 5 Dolphins
3 Colts over 6 Jaguars
Divisional Round:
1 Falcons over 5 Redskins
2 Cowboys over 3 49ers
1 Patriots over 4 Chiefs
3 Colts over 2 Ravens
Championship Round:
2 Cowboys over 1 Falcons
3 Colts over 1 Patriots
Super Bowl Prediction:
Cowboys 34, Colts 31.
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