so close ... but not so far away ...

"What the ... what the hell? Oh, you can't be ... whew, timeout. OK, common sense guys, common sense."

-- me, when the Chiefs broke huddle with the offense on the field, down 3-0, 1st quarter, facing 4th and 2 at the Indianapolis 8.

"Oh no. Oh f*ck no. F*ck no! God f*cking dammit! (slams stress towel down). This is going to bite us in the ass. Bite! Us! In! The! Ass!"

-- me, when the Chiefs came out of the timeout ... with the offense on the field, down 3-0, 1st quarter, facing 4th and 2 at the Indianapolis 8.

------------------

Have you ever faced a moment in life, when you see the trainwreck occuring before it occurs?

You see someone making a stupid decision, you can already see how it's going to end, only you're powerless to stop the moment and change the eventual outcome?

Yeah, yeah, I can hear you all say. "Every time my buddy goes to the Eclipse". Granted, scoring a chick at the Eclipse usually leads to bad things, like "Coyote Ugly" jokes and a strange burning sensation when you pee.

But Sunday? That 4th and 2 decision? That ... was a trainwreck. And any sensible person could -- no, should -- have had the common sense to avoid it.

You ALWAYS take the points in the first half. Because if you don't, it will ALWAYS bite you in the ass. Make that Steve Rule 50 whatever-we're-up-to.

To say I was livid at the call, is an understatement. I believe I permanently frightened everyone I was watching the game with, including a 6 month old.

(Side note: the second I asked who all was coming, and Kellie went through the list, and casually mentioned "oh, and I think they're bringing Owen with them!", I should have politely thanked them for the invite, and gotten the hell in the car and sped home. The last time I watched a Chiefs game where there was an infant there to provide commercial entertainment? The Playoff Loss in 2006. To the Colts. In a game that played out shockingly like this one, only with competent place kicking by the Chiefs. Let's just say, I don't envision myself watching a game at the Casa de Glass this fall. It's best for all involved. Especially the guys playing the game).

I also could never let go of the decision. It reeked of desperation. Worse, it was a flat out admission by this coaching staff that "we don't think we can beat you straight up". Which as pointed out by not just me last week, but by countless prognosticators and experts throughout the week, was ridiculous. Noone expected a blowout. Everyone expected KC to acquit itself well. That decision on 4th and 2 was insanity at its textbook definition level best.

And sadly, it isn't the first time the man I "affectionately" call Coach Asshat has embarrassed himself and this organization on the sideline.

Let's just hope that this time, its the last time.

Having gotten that (at least temporarily) out of the way, everything else yesterday was about what I expected. I was asked at kickoff how many I thought we'd have to score to win. I said "24". Pretty close to the mark.

The Chiefs defense was everything I hoped it would be, and then some. The Chiefs offense showed signs of life, but was undermined by two catastrophic moments: the 4th and 2 decision, and the D Bowe drop that nearly made me vomit. I mean, are you kidding me? There were about 10 of us watching this at Dusty and Kellie's yesterday, and I guaran-damn-tee you 9 of us would have made that catch. (I would have dropped it; hence the "hands of Steve" jokes I used to make about Samie Parker, another talented WR for this team who couldn't catch a cold if a dude with pneumonia sneezed all over him).

And our special teams, holy Lord. Do we have a weapon in these guys or what? No, I'm not referencing the return game yesterday. It was perfectly adequate. I'm referencing Ryan Succup's awesone day, nailing two clutch 40 plus yard kicks in very hostile conditions, and Dusty C's awesome afternoon, never once outkicking his coverage. If Chiefs fans were upset about the inability of Dex or Javier to break one yesterday, you should be just as ecstatic over our coverage units. The Colts returners got NOTHING yesterday. Absolutely nothing. As soon as they fielded the kicks, they were tackled. It was beautiful execution. Speaking of which ...

* I guarantee you at least half the people reading this, expected my initial rant to be about the onside kick to open the game. To them, I say this:

(blake lewis) (performs his version of "You Give Love a Bad Name")
(simon cowell) That was a very brave thing to do. You know, half the people in this room and in the audience watching at home are going to hate that performance, and half of them are going to love it. And this is what is going to keep you in the competition next week!"

(Yet another side note: again ... how the hell did Blake not win this? He was everything "Idol" should want -- original. Talented. Not unpleasant to look at. And as he put it in this clip, "I might be taking a risk on it, which is fine -- if you don't take risks in life, you'll never see anything new". Bingo! Its why I loved Coach Asshat's onside kick. A perfectly calculated risk. Nothing to lose -- either it works well and we shock the world (like Blake did with this genius version of a classic) ... or we allow a score they probably would have gotten anyways. More of these risks, Todd. Fewer of the donkeys fake punt and 4th and 2 variety. And yeah, I actually called you "Todd". You're growing on me. I'm totally digging your pissed off persona on the sideline when things are tanking / visibly giddy as a schoolgirl persona on the sideline when things rock. Like me in 132, 26, 14. I'm just saying. Me and You. Very similar personalities. Except I embrace the dark side of my existance ...)

If that last bounce had rolled forward, the Chiefs had just stolen a possession from the Colts, had the potential to open both halves with scoring drives, and put Indy in a hole early on. It was a BRILLIANT play call. There wasn't a Colt within 5 yards of the ball, they were all retreating backwards to block for the return. We just got an unlucky bounce. It happens.

(Side Note 1: for what it's worth, and I have not seen one question asked about this, so I'm going to make wild-hair prediction number one ... I think we had a bomb called on the 1st down that would have resulted. I think Coach Asshat was going for the jugular right off the bat. As Leo noted in "Titanic", "When you got nothing, you got nothing to lose". I think we had a 4 Jet All Go type play ready when we recovered that. In case you doubt me, the one turnover we had all day, what was the play call on 1st down? 31 yard bomb to the end zone that D Bowe dropped.)

(Side Note 2: for all the sh*t Hank Baskett took for botching the onsider in the Super Bowl, give the guy some credit -- he saw it coming. He held his position. It just took an unlucky bounce off of him, and into a Saints player's arms. The Colts this time ... didn't even bother to account for the possibility of an onside kick.

So I'm gonna make wild-haired prediction number two right now. When the Colts visit the Pats, the Pats will have some weird looking setup on a return that springs for a touchdown, because the Colts will over-compensate for the onside possibility that they think Belichick will spring. Their over-reaction will cost them that game on November 21st. I'm calling that 5 weeks out. The great ones always outthink the mentally challenged ones. Belichick is one of the greatest. Jim Caldwell is fortunate enough people still refer to him as "mentally challenged", and not "Rich Kotite awful").

* Quiz time! "For long lasting comfort and a great feel ..." When Brett Favre says those words in a commercial, is he pimping Wrangler jeans, or Lifestyles Ultra Sensitive condoms? Just asking.

* Another random thought in my head, this Duke F*ck List that is absolutely hysterical, by the way, floating around the internet -- am I the only one absolutely shocked and awed at the fact that a CHICK did the list? And am I the only one not even remotely shocked and awed at the fact that ZERO basketball players made the list? She had baseball players, football players, even a lacrosse dude that got four plus slides for crying out loud (out of 42). But zero hoopsters. Interesting.

* Saturday was spent on a pretty sweet tour of central Missouri. A quick recap of the day spent in a paradise known as Hermann, Missouri:

Left on a tour bus at about 9am. There were 55 people on our bus, and there were four buses total heading on this journey. So we had quite the impressive group going.

Early on, it was obvious some dude named Chris was going to be the life of the party. His wife had made up some CD's to play on the drive there. Underrated Moment of the Day Number One: the expression on the bus driver's face as "Crazy Bitch" by Buckcherry came on. Based on that unedited classic, I can only imagine what was flowing through his mind by the time such classics as "Get Low", "In Da Club", and "Rump Shaker" were piping through the sound system.

Very fun ride down there. We sat behind these four pretty funny black chicks, and right in front of Chris the Entertainer and his group. Plenty of shared jello shots, plenty of fun conversation, and a "Gin Bucket". Yup, they had a kegger filled with gin and juice. Holy Lord.

And to top it all off, then that "Shot Shot Shot Shot!" song came on ... (and sorry, I'm not a rap fan, but I think it was Lil Wayne? Or Lil Jon? Seriously, how on earth can black guys have "Lil" as their first name and be taken credibly? (rimshot!) ... moving on before this completely tanks ...), anyways, that song came on, and Chris starts doing his ass smack dance move in the aisle, and I just completely lost it. Flashed right back to Floatapalooza Version 1.0 this summer, Dusty doing the same thing on the raft a couple times an hour. Could not stop laughing. Then someone asked "what's so funny", and since I was the only one there who'd been on Floatapalooza 1.0, I couldn't really explain it. But it was good times.

We got to the first stop about noon, the Stone Hill Winery on the far south side of Hermann. Our tour organizer (I swear, I believe her name was Lisa, but as my recap of the 49ers game proved, I can't remember a name to save my ass), Lisa was getting married at the winery that day. So she budgeted an extra thirty minutes for folks to tour, drink, and have fun.

After about 30, 45 minutes sampling various wines available, our group of five headed off to find a table to enjoy the day with a couple bottles, and the stuff we'd packed to enjoy (grapes, cheeses, crackers, apples, strawberries ... wait, this is sounding gayer by the minute ... not that there's anything wrong with that ... let's get back to the recap, because it really was a great Saturday ...)

So, we spent an hour enjoying some lunch, some wine, some good times, some good conversation ... and a day you just can't beat. Are you kidding me? 85 and not a cloud in the sky in mid October? Where the hell has this been all my life?

2:30, the bus is off for downtown Hermann, where Officer Bob greets us as we get ready to park. He informs us of the various rules and regulations they will attempt to enforce (basically, no open containers, don't throw down, and "no nudity from the waste down") ... and then drops the "oh, yeah. And no sex in the port-a-potties. I really don't ever want to clean up after that again". Brought the house down. I love cops with a sense of humor.

(That, and sweet f*cking God, what have you got to be on to actually want to f*ck in a used port-a-potty? And how do I get that drug to enjoy?)

Heeding Officer ... excuse me. Heeding Occifer Bob's advice, we went in search of some good times. And found them in a beer garden at the Tin Mill Brewery's back yard.

Walk in, no cover charge thankfully, and there's some really decent cover band performing doing 60s and 70s rock and soul songs. I've said this before, and I'll say it again -- there is no greater unifying song known to man than ...

(get yourself ready for this)
(no seriously. enjoy this responsibly and properly)
(grab your beer stein)
(make sure it's full)
(make sure you're not alone)
(then put your arm around the person next to you because you're ...)

Hands! Touching hands! ...
Reaching out! ...
Touching me! ...
Touching you! ...

(it's cool. Sing it. You know you want to. You know you HAVE to ... Bah bah bah ...)

Sweet Caroline! (BAH BAH BAH!)
Good times never seemed so good! (SO GOOD! SO GOOD! SO GOOD!)

I'd be inclined! (BAH BAH BAH!)
To believe there never would ...

Man, you can't help but flash back to the good old days on that one, quarter draw night at Harpo's back in my younger drinkin' days. When the waitress would come around with a tray full with twenty some odd glasses of beer, and you'd give her a five and tell her to keep the change.

Very fun times.

About 4:30, though, it was time to see what else Hermann had to offer. So we headed off for the Hermannhof Winery to do a tour of that place ... only the last tour goes off at 4. Bummer. Walking back towards downtown, we then came upon a scene that you really can't put into words.

A drunk shirtless dude decided to go drunk dive fishing in the river.

It's like me on Floatapalooza on the cliffs, only without anyone else diving with me. The cops are standing on both sides of the banks, waiting for this guy to try to get out. To their credit, once he did manage to stumble onto the bank of the east side (opposite from us) ... the cops let him go.

(A major, MAJOR shout out to the Hermann cops here. They were exactly what you want from a police presence. They didn't really arrest anyone, but they were everywhere to break up whatever might go down. Case in point: after the drunk dive, we're walking on the bridge over the river. I'm in a Chiefs t-shirt, and some college kid starts yelling "Chiefs! Chiefs!" He and his group are "talking" to a cop, and he's trying to get me to high-five him. I'm still completely sober at this point, believe it or not. (I actually stayed sober throughout, unlike most folks.) Anyways, I look at the cop with a "is this guy really that lit?" look, and he looks back with a "help me out here, do it, I have a plan" look in his eyes. So ... I go to high five the kid, mission accomplished. In order to do that, the kid had to put his beer down (aka "open container"). The cop grabbed it, tossed it into the river ... and let the kid walk. THAT'S what I want my cops to be like. There's criminal activity ... and there's drunken stupidity. There is a difference, most of the time. Their cops got it. Great community. Great place to spend a Saturday in October. Highly recommend it to anyone).

After that, it was off in search of some food and entertainment. Everyone we'd talked to pimped the Sharp Corner, a bar about eight blocks away. So on our way to the Sharp Corner, we encounter another group of college kids, these guys locals of all things. After shooting the sh*t with them for a couple blocks, we ask what they'd recommend. They mention Wings a Flyin', a bar on the way to where we were headed. They mention the "ranked fourth in the state of Missouri" blast for their wings. That put Russ all in. So off to the Wings a Flyin' we went.

Unfortunately for said "tour guides" ... a nasty batch of cannas took them out on the walk there. Another brought the house down moment. The rest of the night, the "look out! That batch of cannas might assault you!" jokes were flying.

Wings a Flyin' ... was ok. I was pumped entering the place -- they had an outdoor patio (where we basically sat with our "tour guides" for an hour), cheap prices, and (I hoped) a legitimate bar. It's pushing 6pm on the east coast, and I haven't had a vodka tonic yet. I was seriously jonesing for one. Our waitress comes around, and the order went like this:

(waitress) and for you sir?
(steve) finally! (laughs all around the table.) I want the strongest double vodka tonic you can make, and as tall as you can make it. See, I'm easy to please! (more laughs around the table)
(waitress) uuh, we don't have a full service bar.
(steve) (in shock) what?
(waitress) just beer and wine.
(steve) (still in shock) really?
(waitress) yeah, really.
(steve) well f*ck, that changes things. Hang on a minute ...

Finally went with a glass of merlot from a local winery I'd never had before. And will never have again. As I noted when passing it around, "it tastes like Yellowtail".

So, after some blazing hot wings, some beers, some wine, and watching Alabama get their ass kicked, it was off to the Sharp Corner! Mainly because most of us wanted to see some of the MU / Colorado game. That, and every local we'd talked to hyped the Sharp Corner. We had to check it out.

We got there about 6:15. You could not find a seat anywhere. Finally, after a couple minutes, we found a beat up table in a corner designed for two, that we made work for five. And waited for 5 minutes. Finally, I was like "screw it, I'm ordering", and headed up to the bar.

In fairness to the Sharp Corner ... it is the EXACT type of bar I would love. Its a hole in the wall. It's got the quality music blaring (the entire place was singing to the "third verse" of "Friends in Low Places" right before we left ...

Hey I didn't mean,
To cause a big scene,
Just let me finish this glass.
Then I'll be as high
As that ivory tower ...
And you can kiss my ass!

... just a great atmosphere. Fun times. But unfortunately, the fact that every local had spread the word, meant they were (a) out of tap beer, (b) out of white wine, and (c) were hurting for food.

After a round of drinks that features the most pathetic vodka tonic I've ever had in my life (although to be fair, for three Bud Light bottles and said vodka tonic, I paid $11.50. You do get what you pay for sometimes, unfortunately.), it was off for some place to have dinner.

The first place we stopped was some bar and grill about two blocks away, and I forget the name of it, but it started with a T. I was actually the lead of the group at this point. I headed up the ramp, ready to open the door ...

And the door flies open. This visibly intoxicated chick is being shoved out by one of Hermann's finest. As he's escorting her to the curb, she's screaming "I just ordered Mac and Cheese! How can you kick me out for ordering Mac and Cheese! I'm a vegan!"

Now, three things here. (And wait, we're nowhere near done with this place yet). Number one, what the hell is any thirty plus year old person doing trying to order mac and cheese in a bar? Second, when the owner of said establishment is following you and the cop out the door, saying "I don't want to escalate this. Just please go home, let's let this go, I don't want to escalate this ...", and you're too f*cking dumb to take the hint? You probably need to stop drinking.

But third ... you're a vegan? And you're ordering cheese?!?! And yes, I noted that. Loudly. Which probably would have led this chick to rushing me up the ramp, she was that freaking pissed off, except ...

The door flew open again, and some dude was running for his life, as a waitress followed screaming "Officer! Officer! Arrest that man! He assaulted me!" Apparently dude tossed his drink at her. Yeah, that's assault. He definitely did NOT help his case when, after the cop attempts to regain control and figure out what the hell is going on, the dude goes "I was just trying to apologize to her right now for what I did ..." Think "Drunk Tank", its where you're headed.

Figuring this wasn't our safest option for dinner, it was off to Simon's on the Riverfront ... only a 45 minute wait awaited us. Screw that. Across the street to The Barrel, where a dude from Chris' group was being forcibly ejected for public intoxication and trying to incite a fight. Wonderful. Just so we know what we're dealing with driving home. We walk in and are told the restaurant area is open seating, aka "if you find a spot, grab it". We manage to find a table not really designed for five, but beggars can't be choosers.

Thankfully ... the Barrel was well worth the 90 minutes spent there. The black chicks by us on the bus were there too. Very enjoyable evening of really good (and dirt cheap) food, good conversation, and the highlight of my night, when our wonderful waitress Glenda showed up to take the order:

(steve) (looking over menu)
(steve) I have to ask, because I've been screwed over already. Do you all have vodka in the bar?
(glenda) (laughing) yeah, of course we do! Why?
(steve) thank God. OK, here's what I want. I want the strongest vodka tonic you can make in that beer glass (they were the tall Solo cups). I want no worse than Smirnoff vodka in it. And if you can toss a lime in there, I'll make it worth the walk over here for me to drink it.
(glenda) (laughing) You went to Wings didn't you?
(steve) yeah. Why?
(glenda) all you tourists think that place has a real bar.

So she brings the round. And it's killer. She nailed that drink. (More to come).

Finally, she takes our order. I get the BLT with chips, figuring that'll be pretty good. (And it was, it was outstanding. Three words: turkey. pepper. bacon. Holy God.) Only, when everyone else's food comes out ... mine's not there. Glenda looks at me and goes "didn't you order dinner?" I was like "yeah, the BLT". She flashes the "oh sh*t I forgot to place the order" face, and goes "I'll be right back".

She comes back about 5 minutes later with the sandwich ... and another vodka tonic. I was good with that -- I was ready to order another one, for what it's worth. Only this one ... sweet Lord. If "Steve Style" is 50% booze / mixer, and "Quinton's Style" is 60/40 booze ... this was 80 / 20. She handed it to me, smiled, and said "I made it myself". Glenda, you're a first ballot inductee into the Steve Hall of Fame for that drink alone. And also because ...

It was obvious she was worn out. Apparently they had a couple folks not show. She was serving 15 plus tables, which is insane. So as we all go to pay, all of us are over-tipping her, because (a) she did a kick ass job, and (b) that's how we roll. So she gets to me, and our conversation ...

(glenda) you don't owe me anything.
(steve) what? I had two vodka tonics, thanks for the second by the way, that was amazing. I had that, and the BLT.
(glenda) yeah, but I comped you over the BLT issue.
(steve) no. How much would my bill have been?
(glenda) (doing the math) $11.95. $7 for the tonics, $4.95 for the BLT.
(steve) here's 15. Enjoy a couple on me tonight.

Glenda, your friendly waitress at the Barrel. If you are ever lucky enough to have her serve you, you won't regret it.

Really, there's nothing about Hermann I regret, including the drunken evictions by folks ... other than when we got back to the bus. The dude with Chris' group who got evicted from the Barrel finally shows up right before its departure time ... and stumbles onto the bus. Literally stumbled. Then stood up, goofy ass drunk grin going ... with a gigantic wet spot in his crotch area. I turn around to Jason, a guy from their group sitting behind me, and go "he's gonna sh*t his pants tonight -- he's already pissed them, you know he's gonna pass out and lose control". Jason's response? "Won't be his first time. He didn't even make it to dinner last year, he was already shot".

The last 90 minutes, there were continuous fart noises coming from 5 rows back where this guy sat. Stay classy.

The ride home was pretty quiet. Just a small group of us sitting near the front passing around a bottle of peach schnapps, shooting the sh*t. And 45 other people passed out sleeping.

Got home about 1am ... and absolutely I'd do it again. The only thing I'd do differently, is go as a smaller group, and stay Saturday night. I'd get there about noon, do the Trolley Tour of the winerys on Saturday, then hit the beer garden at 7ish instead of 3ish. Wait til the "tourists" leave at 9, then do dinner when it dies down. Stay the night, then hit the rest of the winerys on Sunday and head home Sunday evening. But definitely a weekend worth booking.

* Finally ... my thoughts for the Chiefs entering this week.

This is a great opportunity for us. We open +5, an absolutely ridiculous line. Houston hasn't earned the right to be favored over anyone at this point, let alone get 5. Furthermore, all our divisional rivals have very losable games this week -- the Chargers travel to a frisky Rams team, the raiders face a "no, really, at some point, its do or die time" 49ers team, and the donkeys host the Jets. If we can steal this one, and get help? We could be three clear in the loss column after six weeks. Normally this is where I'd point out that "I can only think of one team capable of blowing that big of a lead this early" ... but it was the 2009 donkeys that came prematurely. (rimshot!) They were 3 clear of the field after six weeks, with tiebreaker over the Chargers in hand.

And finished 3 games behind.

Nothing is guaranteed in this league, other than my over-obsessing about anything Chiefs or Jets related. This week, I hope to look at the Texans numbers (like with Indy last week), I hope to nail the Chiefs pick for the 4th time in 5 tries this year ...

And if I don't have viewing options come Sunday, there might be the first "live blog" of the season on Sunday. If not this week, then definitely for oakland on November 7th. The raiders and donkeys, I am not comfortable viewing with living people, it's that big a deal to me. Especially if we're in the drivers seat going into it ...