week eight: time to open your eyes, chiefs fans ...

“And there are days when I’m losing my faith,

Because the man wasn’t good – he was great!

He’d say “Music was the home for your pain” –

And explained – (when) I was young, he would say

“Take that rage! 

Put it on a page!

Take that page to the stage –

Then blow the roof off the place!”

I’m trying to make you proud;

Do everything you did.

I hope you’re up there with God,

Saying “that’s my kid!”

I still look for your face

In the crowd –

Oh, if you could see me now!

(Oh, if you could see me now!)

Watch you stand in disgrace –

Or take a bow?

Oh, if you could see me now!

(Oh, if you could see me now!) …”

-- “If You Could See Me Now” by The Script. 

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Last Week SU: 8-6-1.

Season to Date SU: 59-47-1.

Last Week ATS: 9-5-0.

Season to Date ATS: 57-45-5.

Last Week Upset O’ The Week: looked good until the fumble …

Season to Date Upset / Week SU: 4-3-0.

Season to Date Upset / Week ATS: 5-2-0.

This Week’s Upset O’ The Week: Saints (+2 1/2) over Seahawks.

Last Week SUCK: now that’s what I’m talkin’ bout, Willis!

Season to Date SUCK: 3-4.

This Week’s SUCK: Packers (+2 ½) over Falcons.  Good God, how is Atlanta favored? 

(Note: the SUCK gets credit for being wrong, as it is my favorite bet on the board.)

This Week’s Non-Jets, Non-Chiefs Best Guesses:

Byes: Giants, 49ers, Rams, Dolphins, Steelers, Ravens.  At best, one of these six is making the postseason.  And it’ll be whoever wins on Christmas Day – Ravens or Steelers.

* My Thursday Night pick was Jaguars (+3 ½) 28, at Titans 17.  Whoops.  Still, I’m riding this puppy / pony / rooster / rubber chicken until the wheels fall off.  I mean, the Texans opened 2-5 last year and won this craptacular division.  Even with the loss last tonight, the Jags only drop to … 2-5.  The Jacksonville Jaguars are going to win the AFC South.  Probably at 6-10, but still – I’m not giving up the faith!

(george strait voice) And if you’ll buy that?  I’ll throw the Golden Gate in free!

Also – absolutely “Good Times Game O’ The Week”. 

* Redskins (+2 ½) 31, Bengals 28 (London).  One of these teams is going to suffer a crushing defeat for their playoff hopes entering the bye.

* at Panthers (-1) 41, “Super” Cardinals 14.  Major course correction coming for your Carolina Panthers, starting Sunday.  And somehow, a game involving two teams that went 29-3 in the regular season last year?  “Webster Game O’ The Week”.

* at Bills (+3 ½) 28, Patriots 17.  If the Buffalo Bills cannot win this game, in this spot, then they should just disband the franchise.

* at Texans (-1) 27, Lions 17.  Brave Brock Osweiler recovers nicely from the debacle on Monday night.

* at Saints (+2 ½) 38, Seahawks 28.  For all the talk about how god awful the AFC South is (and it’s hideous) … uuh, is the NFC South really any better? 

* at Bucs (pick) 28, raiders 24.  The raiders cannot possibly get to 5-0 on the road, can they?  With all five games starting at 10am PT?  (Note: this is the single biggest reason I think oakland is reaching the postseason – after this week, they play all eight of their remaining games at 1pm PT or later.  No travel issues remaining.  Look out, AFC.  Look out.)

* “Super” Chargers (+5 ½) 28, at satan’s squad 17.  If “tulip” trevor siemian is the answer, then “remember kyle orton opened 6-0 in 2009” should be the question.

* Packers (+2 ½) 38, at “Shane” Falcons 31.  Report: Atlanta fans more panicked about a 2016 collapse than they were about an 1864 collapse.

* at Cowboys (-4 ½) 31, Eagles 24.  God bless it, I hate that I won’t get to watch this one.  (Pause).  What?  (Pause).  Oh, good point – radio still exists!

* Vikings (-4 ½) 27, at Bears 20.  I know this is a popular upset pick … but sorry, I just don’t see it.

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The “Klassy” Kevin Keitzman Tweet O’ The Week:

Presented without comment:

The Watch Party Plans:

There are no The Watch Party Plans, because …

The Tailgating Plans:

… we’re going streaking!

No, wait – I mean, we’re going road tripping!

“The Kids” of our tailgating group are headed to Indy. 

If you’re headed up, hit me up.  I’m not sure what parking lot we’ll be in yet, because someone (* cough me cough *) hasn’t bought a parking pass yet.  (It’s on the list of things to do today, I swear.)  But if you’re headed up, feel free to join us.  The weather looks gorgeous, and I hope – if not pray – that I get to experience something I never have before: a game in a dome … with the roof open. 

Inside Mixology:

This week’s pick is ironic, in that it is my dad’s self-proclaimed favorite song.

The irony, is that I’ve never even associated the product, with my father.

But oh hell yes, it can be associated with the son.

(Wait, that’s me.  Hang on, I might need to rephrase that …)

This week’s pick is “One Toke Over the Line” by Brewer and Shipley, and yes, peoples and peepettes, I cop, I plead, I concede, I have been at least “one toke over the line” a time or fifteen (hundred) * in my life. 

The reason I think this song is so beloved by so many people in my family, isn’t the insinuation it, uuh, insinuates.  (Namely, you’re baked off your ass after a (tom petty voice) “last dance with mary jane”).  No, it’s for the chorus’ catch phrase – “Sweet Jesus!”

My mom gets irrationally enraged if you even say “God Bless” … but she tolerates “Sweet Jesus!” (something my brother says every time he gets a chance to).  Even my dad will caution a “please, choose Judas Priest instead next time” if I drop a “Judas Priest” blast … and he’ll drop “Sweet Jesus!” at least five times in a casual conversation.

A song about being baked off your ass as a railway station.

Sweet Jesus, that’s … hell, let Brewer and Shipley take it away:

“I wanna be one toke over the line, Sweet Jesus!

One toke over the line!

Sitting on a railway station!

One toke over the line!

One toke over the line!!!!!!!!”

Nine more to go folks … and the one up next, was THE guaranteed “if you can nail the dance moves to this song – and really, just nail one moment of the dance moves in particular – dancing to this song?  You are getting “nailed” at least twice tonight!” four minutes of greatness, nearly every male pushing forty today, felt (gulp) seventeen years ago.

Or, think #likeawreckingball for those of you who weren’t of legal drinking age in 2000.

And that?

Ain’t no lie.

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(*: I have said for pushing twenty years that every budget issue the federal government has can be solved by legalizing two things – marijuana and sports wagering – and taxing the hell out of them like we do tobacco.  We’re on the cusp of one of these happening if November 8^th goes as hoped for on this site. 

(Note: in the interest of full disclosure – and as always, I will post my ballot no later than Election Day – in the interest of full disclosure, Stevo’s Site Numero Dos and its primary author both strongly endorse Secretary Clinton for the Presidency, and strongly encourage each and every person reading this to vote Clinton / Kaine on November 8^th.)

Thirty year old me is beyond ecstatic, at what (almost) forty year old me cannot believe is about to occur – not just finally getting to undo the disgrace that was the 2008 Democratic Primary … but seeing a product that got me through (at least) half of my twenties and half of my thirties, finally legalized.  Or at least decriminalized.

Or, from the second verse of the theme to this post, that I didn’t quote as the theme lyrics:

“I know it’s been a while,

But I can see you clear as day!

Right now?

I wish I could hear you say

I drink too much,

And I smoke too much dutch –

But if you can’t see me now?

That sh*ts a must!”

C’mon America – irregardless how you vote?  Let us see you now, on November 8^th.  (Pause).  Especially if, like me, you are #withher.  (Double Pause).  And especially if, like me, you want the national disgrace known as Roy Blunt sent into retirement ASAFP.)

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The Jets “If We Lose This One, It’s Beyond Over” Wild Hair:

I mean, for God’s sake.  If you can’t beat the Cleveland Browns – who currently list seventh stringer (and Chiefs draft pick) Kevin Hogan as the starter for Sunday, then all hope is lost.  Because as I noted last week, the path to 10-6 / 8-4 / 5-1 is still wide, wide, wide, wide open for Gang Green.

* Jets (-2) 24, at Browns 10.

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The Chiefs Pigskin (And Porn-Star Free) Prognostication:

Peoples and peepettes, I’m going to keep this relatively brief, relatively simple, relatively to the point.

(everyone voice) Yeah, I’m calling bullsh*t!

Nah, for once – I think I’m being honest.

Because Sunday?

It’s time to let the nation?

See (us) now.

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I used to go to Indianapolis at least twice a year – the Indy 500, and the Brickyard 400.  Three of us going this weekend, have never been to Indianapolis Motor Speedway; I’ve already made those three promise to at least drive us to that magical spot at 16^th and Georgetown, to take in the immensity, the history, the awesomeness, that is IMS.

(And if we can wake up early enough, or get out of Lucas Oil and Downtown Indy early enough, I’ll make sure they at least drive into the joint and tour the only museum I’ll pay to enter … if not take the honorary lap, and kiss the bricks.)

Indy is a special place to this Chiefs fan, and not just because of the amazing, incredible moments witnessed in that fine town.

Indy is a “special” place to this Chiefs fan, because when it comes to the Colts, it often means tragedy.

It way too often means “death”.

Both figuratively … and literally.

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The last time I stepped foot in Indianapolis was for the 2013 Wild Card Game.  The Chiefs lost 44-45 via the second greatest comeback in NFL Postseason history.

Some people remember that game for the epic collapse, and yeah, I’m one of them.  (You can read the recap of everything pre-kickoff by clicking here; you can read the recap of everything post-kickoff by clicking here.)

But I also remember it for more than that.

It was the last game Chiefs Red Coater, at (worst) good friend, and longtime tailgating partner Bill Williams ever attended, prior to his tragic passing four months later.

I know he was there, because as “The Collapse” was occurring, and I headed down for yet another stiff vodka concoction to try to compute what was happening, he was there in the concourse, doing the same thing.

I wrote after his passing that I wish I’d done things differently down the stretch, and I stand by that conviction.  Life is too godd*mned short to spend time fighting over trivial, meaningless sh*t. 

Someday, whatever your relationship with me might be?  The only thing you or I will be able to say after one of us passes away, is “Oh!  If you could see me now!”.  The only question is, will that statement be made in regret, or in pride?

I truly hope nobody ever has to say that about me, in regret.  And God above, I pray I never have to say that, about any of you, in regret.

Because I say it with regret, at damned near every Chiefs tailgate, about Bill.

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OK, enough with the sentiment and depression.

The theme song was chosen because it’s a homage to parents, a shout-out to great friends, who have guided and crafted the life we lead.  It’s a credit, a tribute, to those who have forged us into what we are.  And it’s a tip o’ the cap, to the genius and greatness we all are capable of being, if we simply apply what we’ve been taught, what we’ve been shown we know.

(Pause).

And yes, I know, that begs the Captain Oats in the room – if I can claim the amazing mom and dad I have, and the beyond inspiring friends I have, how the f*ck did I wind up so, uuh, f*cked up?  Damned if I know.  But I’m not apologizing for knowing any of you … even if an apology for knowing me, is giving me too much.

It’s also a positive, upbeat anthem, stressing to anyone who will listen that our past?  Does NOT define our future! 

(Pause).

Hey, I get it now!  That’s why you people love me!  I’ve learned from my f*ck ups and failures, and emerged better because of them!  I get it now – “oh!  If you could see me now!”

I know the obvious thing to say is that it is time to exact some revenge on those people for 1/4/14.  And 1/6/07.  And 1/11/04.  And 1/7/96.  (And the de-facto playoff game, 12/15/96.) 

Five times in twenty years these guys have ended the Chiefs season short of bringing Lamar’s Trophy home.  Five times these guys have derailed the Chiefs season in a virtual or actual playoff game.

Which is why the punch line from verse one of this epic track by The Script, hit me as it did:

“Take that rage,

Put it on the page –

Take the page to the stage,

And blow the roof off the place!”

I say it’s high damned time we end their season, before it actually has a chance to begin.

Not a single one of those five prior Chiefs squads, can hold a candle to this one.

It’s time to let the nation?

Not see us for who we were, Arrowhead Nation.

It’s time to let them see (us)?

Now.

To quote one more time from the theme (not actually quoted in the opening):

“Would you call me a saint or a sinner;

Would you love me a loser or winner?

When I see my face in the mirror?

We look so alike, it makes me shiver!”

Sunday, the Chiefs aren’t going to be the sinner, and they aren’t going to be the loser. 

“I still look for your face,

In the crowd –

Oh!  If you could see me now!

(Oh!  If you could see me now!)”

I’ll be there Sunday. 

“Watch you stand in disgrace,

Or take a bow?

Oh!  If you could see me now!

(Oh!  If you could see me now!)

And the Chiefs, sure as sh*t, won’t be standing in disgrace.

They’re going to be taking a bow, to all of us massed in the northeast end zone, when time expires.

Just as they did all of us in the southeast end zone at NRG Reliant, ten short months ago.

* Chiefs (-2 ½) 35, at Colts 31, via a Spencer Ware touchdown from 7 yards out, with 0:13 remaining, capping off a drive that begins at the Chiefs 3 with a little over 6 to play, trailing 28-31.  (damien voice) God F*cking Dammit!  Stop with the exact predictions!  I’m running out of t-shirts to sweat through!

Sorry dude.  This one will be stressful … but successful.

Get ready, Arrowhead Nation.  Because after Sunday?  Nobody will be able to say, that they can’t see us now …

week seven: this is the start of something ...

“Oh! 

This is the start of something good –

Don’t you agree?

I?

Haven’t like this in so many moons –

You know what I mean?

And we can build through

This distraction?

As we are standing

On our feet!

So?

Since you want to be with me?

You’ll have to follow through,

With every word you say!

And I?

All I really want is you!

You to stick around!

I’ll see you every day!

But you have to follow through!

You have to follow through! …”

-- “Follow Through” by Gavin DeGraw.

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Last Week SU: 10-5-0.

Season to Date SU: 51-41-0.

Last Week ATS: 8-5-2.

Season to Date SU: 48-39-5.

Last Week Upset O’ The Week: looked good for a half!

Season to Date Upset / Week SU: 4-2-0.

Season to Date Upset / Week ATS: 5-1-0.

This Week’s Upset O’ The Week: Texans (+7 ½) over satan’s squad.

Last Week SUCK: God bless, I’m on a roll … and for once, that’s not a good thing.

Season to Date SUCK: 2-4-0, L4.

This Week’s SUCK: Seahawks (+2) over “Super” Cardinals.

(Note: the SUCK gets credit for being wrong, since it is my favorite bet on the board.  And this week's SUCK might be my favorite line so far this year, for what it's worth.  Which is a freight ton of Chrismukkah gifts for the kiddos, if you load up on the Cardinals ...)

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The Non-Jets, Non-Chiefs “Fling It And Pray” Prognostications:

(Sadly, still porn-star free.)

* Byes: Cowboys, Panthers.  Holy spitballs, Batman!  What a difference a year makes!  Anyone who thought one of these teams would be 1-5 at the bye, raise your hand.  (Stevo surveying the classroom.)  That seems about right – about half your hands are up.  OK, anyone who thought the 1-5 squad would be your Carolina Panthers, raise your hand.  (Stevo surveying the classroom.)  Yeah, that’s what I thought.

Thankfully, neither squad employs “Sur” William Callahan, so there won’t be any surrendering to “Bye” – or Kansas – this upcoming weekend.

* My Thursday Night pick was at Packers (-9) 34, Bears 13.  If the Packers sh*t the bed at home in this one, they’re in serious, serious trouble.  Unfortunately, they didn't sh*t said proverbial bed.

* Rams (-2 ½) 31, Giants 24 (Game Played in London).  Seriously, when is some poor Season Ticket Member "across the pond" going to sue over the crap being sent their way?  At least next week, you get two division winners from 2015 facing off.  But how sad is it, that this?  Is the first time in ten attempts the NFL is sending two squads that are at least .500 over there to (coach don fambrough voice) showdown, throwdown, hoedown?  Because it won't occur next week (the best the Bengals can be is 3-4).

* Bills (-3) 41, at Dolphins 13.  Dear Miami Dolphins, Stevo has zero – zip, zilch, nada – confidence in your ability to pull off a second straight hu-yuge upset at home.  Please prove me wrong.  Sincerely, Stevo.

* Colts (+2 ½) 34, at Titans 21.  I’m sorry – the thought that there is a very real probability the Tennessee Titans will be tied for first place come Tuesday morning, is a thought I’m not ready to contemplate yet.  The Colts save their season with a gigantic road win (by AFC South standards, anyways), to set up one fun roadie for me and a few friends next week, as they host the Red and Gold.

* at Lions (-1) 24, Redskins 21.  I have zero confidence in this pick.  Zero.

* at Jaguars (-1 ½) 31, raiders 28 (OT).  The Jags next four: vs oak / at Tenn (Thurs) / at KC / vs Hou.  We’ll know at least two weeks before Thanksgiving whether this team is good enough to win the woeful AFC South (which I still think they will do) or not.

* at Eagles (+2 ½) 31, Vikings 30.  God I love this game.  A very small part of me wishes I’d be home watching it live.  Then a very large part of me realizes the game I’ll be watching, uuh, live, is going to be even funner this one, and I smile.  Wait, where was I going with this?  Sh*t if I know.

* at “Shane” Falcons (-6 ½) 31, “Super” Chargers 24.  The “Super” Chargers pretty much have to sweep this road trip, to keep the season (and their future in San Diego?) alive.  There’s just two problems with that – the road trip is at Atlanta, and at denver.  Good luck with that, Phyllis.

Also, we’re what, nine picks in, and not a single one of these games is unwatchable.  Not a single one of these games makes me yearn for three hours of “Good Times”, “ALF”, “Webster”, or “Growing Pains”.  Let alone “One Day At A Time”.  Good job, NFL schedule dude or dudette!

* Bucs (+2) 31, at 49ers 20.  Believe it or not, this isn’t even close to the most f*cked up line of the week.  We’re getting there shortly.  

* Patriots 24, at Steelers (+7) 20.  I think the Steelers keep it closer than you’d expect with Landry Jones under center.

Also, my buddy Dustin and I (no, not that Dustin) were talking at work yesterday, and he raised a valid point: if Landry Jones hadn’t started that game at Arrowhead one calendar year ago this weekend, do the Chiefs win that game, and begin the winning streak?  If Big Ben was healthy and playing, does the miraculous turnaround of 2015 even occur for the Chiefs?  Those are legitimate questions I frankly have no interest, in pondering the answer to.

* Seahawks (+2) 45, at “Super” Cardinals 13.  How?  How in God’s name are the Arizona “Super” Cardinals favored in this game?  How?  What have they shown so far this year that leads you to believe they should be anything other than a touchdown underdog?  This line is so ridiculous I might wager on it.

* Texans (+7 ½) 30, at satan’s squad 17.  To you delusional donkey fans out there – and I will freely grant you, calling a fan of the denver broncos delusional is the equivalent of calling me a (semi-functional) alcoholic, because both are true.  But to you delusional donkey fans out there, have you watched your squad the last two weeks?  Atlanta blew you out of fake mile high.  San Diego blew you out of The Murph.  And for all the talk about how that most classless of assholes demonic of demons wants revenge on Brave Brock Osweiler * for saying “aw hell no!” to his offer to quarterback his squad?

Has it ever occurred to you people that maybe Brave Brock Osweiler is entering this one just as ready to shove it down satan’s throat, as satan is prepared to shove it up Brave Brock’s ass?  (Hey, this post may be (sadly) porn-star free … but at least you (sadly) get porn-act references!  Improvement?)

That was one epic comeback Brave Brock put on, on Sunday night.  Monday night will determine if it was a one-off moment … or a “Grbac to Rison to seal the comeback” moment that defines a magical season.  In case you can’t tell by the pick, I’m wagering on the latter.

Also, I talked to my brother Wednesday night, who is back in the Metroplex for business for the sixth time in three months.  Circle me beyond jealous.  So, since I cannot believe I have not used these lyrics for any of the last three trips over the last fourteen months to my adopted home state, and since I have determined to give notice to a great song about a place I’d give up vodka ** to move back to, I give you a song, I still know every damned word to, twenty two years, after I moved to the amazing place of this nation known as Texas:

(cue the ut marching band voice):

The Eyes of Texas?

Are upon you!

All the live long day!

The Eyes of Texas?

Are upon you!

You cannot get away!

Do not think

You can escape them –

At night or early morn!

The Eyes of Texas?

Are upon you!

(you can pick which finish you prefer)

Til Gabriel blows his horn! /

Go!  Long!  Horns!!!!!!!

Thanks for listening.

And yes -- I so need to move "home".  The sooner, the better ...

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(*: anyone who enrages satan to the degree that Brave Brock has?  Not only gets capitalized recognition on this site – irregardless of his past, present or future affiliation with satan’s squad?  He gets a truthful, respectful nickname thrown in to boot.  Hence going from brock “of sh*t” osweiler, to Brave Brock Osweiler, in less than ten months, on this site.)

(**: you will note I mentioned a specific liquor.  I did not say all liquor.  In the words of the late, great RCW: “I may be stupid, but I ain’t that stupid!”  (Pause).  “Well …”)

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The “Klassy” Kevin Keitzman Tweet O’ The Week:

Well, he finally posted something worth making fun of … even if it’s just a typo:

Uuh, #newroll?  What the hell does that mean, Ol’ Klassy?  Is he a Kaiser Roll now?  A Sourdough Roll?  A Cinnamon Roll?  Is he part of the late, great Don Cornelius’ Soul Train Roll?  How about a Tootsie Roll?  Is that Clayton’s new roll?  Is he now one of those Hawaiian rolls that turn a hot ham and cheddar into something even better than the awesomeness that is a hot ham and cheddar? 

C’mon “K”KK – how difficult is it to spell “role” correctly? 

(jasson voice) Even I can manage that word!

Well yeah, if we’re talking about the late, great Esther #Rolle, you could nail that spelling dude! 

(Because?  As always – if I can’t work it into a game designation, it’s making its way into the picks post someway, somehow.

Ain’t we lucky we got ‘em?

(Na Na Na Na Na)

Good Times!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Inside Mixology:

Where we take a fond look into a song guaranteed to play during tailgating.

This week’s pick was demanded – demanded! – by Anthony, Jaimmie, and Miranda last year, and who am I to refuse a request?

This week’s pick is “All I Do Is Win” by DJ Khaled.  It’s been requested as the victory song, but sorry folks – you’ll pry Lionel away from me over my dead, cold body.  Which given that in the last eighteen months I’ve battled diverticulitis, was diagnosed with severe hypertension, have been so sick I couldn’t get out of bed for four days, and I drink like my name was Larry Hagman or Patrick J. Summerall, probably isn’t even eighteen months from now.  But it is a great choice, as the second song after a victory.

And it’s a great choice, to break down the tailgate, for a non-prime time home game.

So far, I’ve given you:

* “All I Do Is Win” by DJ Khaled (Week Seven).

* “F*ck Her Gently” by Jack Black (Week Six).

* No Selection (Week Five).

* “You Never Even Called Me By My Name” by David Allan Coe (Week Four).

* “Innocent” by Our Lady Peace (Week Three).

* “Dancing On The Ceiling” by Lionel Richie (Week Two).

* “September” by Earth, Wind and Fire (Week One).

I defy you to find a more diverse musical play list, than the one I bring out every tailgate.  (Although, in fairness, only about 30% of what is on Mixology, is chosen by me.  At least 70% is listener requests (kenny rogers voice) through the years.

Still to come in this pointless, not even remotely interesting section of the picks post this season?  A lil’ Keane, a lil’ Phil Collins, a lil’ Queen, a lil’ Fetty Wap, a lil’, uuh, Lil’ Jon, a lil’ Tech Nine, a lil’ Hall and Oates, a lil’ Cake, a lil’ Brantley Gilbert, and of course – because I’d probably be written out of the family will if it didn’t play – a lil’ Brewer and Shipley.

And more, if the Chiefs reach the postseason.

Thanks for reading.

The Fab Five:

Five magical moments between the Saints and Chiefs, that no fan of either team could forget.

Folks?  I got nothing.  What is the most meaningful moment in the Saints / Chiefs non-rivalry?  The Chiefs winning a game in 2012 that they literally led for 0:00 seconds of?  A 30-0 victory on a Sunday Night early in the 1994 season that saw Neil”bonics” Smith win the only game he’d ever play in his hometown?  The Voice of Reason congratulating Billy Joe Hobert for “remembering the playbook” in 1997?  The late, great Mr. William Grigsby hauling out an authentic British accent to hit on the cocktail waitress while gambling at the Harrah’s French Quarter back in 2004?  (I believe she was the cocktail waitress; it might have been a fellow gambler.  It’s been too long ago to remember trivial sh*t like that.)  Or is it that Saints at Chiefs 1991 was the last official blackout of a home game at Arrowhead for eighteen years ***? 

Wait – that is five moments.  But let’s be honest – does anyone really want to honor any of those in a meaningful way?

Yeah.  That’s what I thought.

Let's move on.  

(***: only one Chiefs home game has been blacked out, due to non-official sellout conditions, since Saints at Chiefs in Week Two, 1991.  You can read the recap of that dark, depressing, absolutely humiliating afternoon, by clicking on this handy dandy link.)

The Watch Party Plans:

There are no The Watch Party Plans, since this is a home game.

The Tailgating Plans:

Well, this should be interesting.  Because for the first time in four years, we failed to secure the early-in pass. 

I honestly think we’ll be OK – gates are opening to the public an hour earlier than usual (7:30am per the STM email).  We plan to be in the far left lane by 7am, and at some point in the next half hour, I’ll walk down to our parking attendant, inform him or her of what’s coming, and offer whatever bribes, concessions, and/or other considerations that would make the Clinton Foundation blush, to make parking in “our spot”, happen.

As you could probably guess, the menu is Cajun-influenced, so if you don’t like jumbalaya, you don’t like shrimp, you don’t like sausage and rice and (chamillionaire voice) durrty beans, then you can help yourself to the hot dogs and burgers we always bring as a backup. 

I have a great friend from work who is a huge Saints fan coming, so please be polite to the enemy among us, so to speak.  I know the Springfield folks are coming up, and they’ll have what they do best: the Gates Presidential Platter, in tow. 

As always, if you need and/or want a place to tailgate, anyone and everyone who simply desires to have a fun couple hours in the sun, is always welcome, wanted, and to be treated with respect, kindness, decency, and friendship.  If you need us to save you a spot to park, just text (or better yet, if you’re an attractive female, sext!) me up, or Messenger or Twitter DM or whatever the hell other technology is available to reach me.  I’m reasonably connected online.

Hope to see anyone reading this on Sunday.  In the words of Doctor K on “This Is Us”: “I think we’ve got a good one”, in this game on Sunday.

Speaking of “The Big Three” …

We’ll get back to that, in the Chiefs portion, of these p*ss poorly composed remarks.

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The Jets “God Spare Us” Best Guess:

This week, as the proverbial “fail safe” line for the season has now been reached – the Jets sit at 1-5 overall, 0-2 at home (yet somehow 1-0 in the division) – and still have both games against New England remaining.

But here’s the thing – the other eight games remaining, outside of New England?  Are not only all winnable, but 5 of those 8 are at home … and none of them are particularly unwinnable.  (Even the Patriots home game, currently slated for the Sunday Nighter of Thanksgiving weekend, comes after the bye, giving Gang Green two weeks to prepare.)

So perhaps it’s time to ask the Captain Oats in the room: are the Jets about to pull a 2015 Chiefs, embark on a ridiculous winning streak against mediocre to below average squads, and somehow still be alive when Week Seventeen is complete?

Here’s what they’ve got left:

* Sunday, October 23: vs Ravens (noon CT, CBS).  Eminently winnable, and also the source of something driving me crazy, that I’m getting tired of researching – when is the last time a team played road games, back to back, in the same stadium … against a different team?  The Ravens lost at the Fake Meadowlands to the Giants last week, and face the Jets there this week.

* Sunday, October 30: at Browns (noon CT, CBS).  Should be a victory.  Emphasis on should.

* Sunday, November 6: at Dolphins (noon CT, CBS).  Honestly, save for New England, this is without question – (allard baird voice) without question! – the toughest road game left.  And it really isn’t that difficult, if we’re being honest here.

* Sunday, November 13: vs Rams (noon CT, FOX).  That is the next four folks – Ravens, Browns, Mammals, and Rams.  Tell me that, if the Jets simply play to their potential, they won’t get back to .500 entering …

* Sunday, November 20: bye.  “Sur” William Callahan is no longer on the coaching roster.  Although Todd Bowles might not be, if the next four don’t all land in the win column.

* Sunday, November 27: vs Patriots (7:25pm CT, NBC).  If the Jets don’t win the next four, you can flex this puppy into the 3:25 CT slot, and move Chiefs at broncos into prime time.  (Or Cardinals at Falcons, if FOX doesn’t block it, given that NBC already has the broncos / Chiefs in prime time, and that one cannot be flexed out on Christmas Night.) 

If the Jets do manage to get the run started, this is the game that will define the season.

* Monday, December 5: vs Colts (7:30pm CT, ESPN).  Very winnable.  Indy might well be 3-8 entering this one.

* Sunday, December 11: at 49ers (3:05pm CT, CBS).  Beyond winnable.  San Fran might well be 2-10 entering this one.

* Saturday, December 17: vs Dolphins (7:25pm CT, NFLN).  OK, I’ll ask the Captain Oats in the room, Part Two: how in the hell did a non-playoff team from last year, score not one, not two, but THREE straight prime time home games, in the last six weeks of the season?  And all on different days too!

* Saturday, December 24: at Patriots (noon CT, CBS).  If the Jets get here at 9-5, W8?  Who knows? 

* Sunday, January 1: vs Bills (noon CT, CBS).  Once again, for the third time in four years, does a playoff berth ride on beating Buffalo to end the season?  The Jets are 0-2 in those first two contests, including last year’s indefensible “sh*t the field” effort at The Ralph to whiz away the playoffs.  (At least in 2013, they were already in free-fall, having lost two straight before Buffalo ended the playoff dream.)

10-6 overall, 8-4 conference, 5-1 division.  It’s not a ridiculous stretch of the imagination to believe that?  Is a playoff resume. 

If it is to happen, it has to begin on Sunday, against the mediocre Baltimore Ravens, losers of three straight, and fading fast in the AFC Wild Card picture.  (Although still very much alive in the most overrated division in football, the AFC North.)

And it will begin, with Geno Smith under center, for the first time since the 2014 finale.

(tamarick vanover voice) I love you, Lord Jesus!!!!!!

Salvation has arrived, Jets fans.  At least for four weeks.  Five, if you count the bye.

* at Jets (pick) 24, Ravens 17.

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The Chiefs Prepared Remarks and Poorly Composed Thoughts Portion of this Prognostication Post:

If you know me even slightly, then you know I tend to be a sentimental type of person. 

Like the late, great Jim Valvano, I’ve never been afraid to have my “emotions move me to tears”, at something that hits me right.  

Thursday night, the first of the four of us turning forty this year, uuh, turned forty. 

The four of us, will be familiar to anyone who regularly reads this site, or simply knows at least one or two of us.  “Jasson” was up first, on Thursday.  I’m next, on the first Tuesday of 2017.  Then “The Voice of Reason”, then “bts”.  Four friends, who somehow have endured all that life, and reality, and our many, many failures … ok, fine – my many, many f*ck ups and failures – have thrown at us, still standing tall twenty, thirty, forty years later.

And it was one moment, that hit me above all the others, on Thursday night at Barley’s on Midland and 435. 

And no, that moment wasn’t the irony that the first of the four of us to arrive at forty?

Arrived at said age, at the very first adult-beverage serving establishment?

We claimed as our own, post-college.

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For once, I’m not going to make you read fifteen pages to get to the point.  Partly because I’m tired as hell in composing this late on a Friday night, but mostly because so much of Thursday doesn’t need to be recapped.  It just needs to be enjoyed and cherished by those lucky enough to be there to witness it.

Because the point – the moment – was reached not even three minutes after I arrived, when everyone wanted to get a picture of the four of us together.  The moment was when (I believe) Mrs. Jasson said “wait – have the four of you ever been (photographed) together before?”

That led to a pause, and a general consensus that no, there wasn’t any picture before that moment that exists of myself, “Jasson”, “The Voice of Reason”, and “bts”, standing together, in the same bat time, on the same bat channel.

And that led to the obvious excuses – phones didn’t take pictures ten, fifteen, twenty years ago.  Most people don’t walk around with a camera around their neck to capture the moment.  I lived in Texas through college; “bts” lived in North Carolina for the better part of the 00’s.  Excuse after excuse, all of them valid … but they all missed the point.

Because the Captain Oats in the room, that explains why noone could recall a picture prior to Thursday, of the four of us together ****  – “The Big Four”, as Mrs. Voice of Reason dubbed us in the moment (note: either she stole that from me … or I stole it from her.  Either way, it works).

Because the Captain Oats in the room, the Captain Obvious in the house, the five hundred pound elephant in our midst?

Is that there isn’t a need for one.

Not wasn’t a need for a picture.

Isn’t.

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(****: how I didn’t realize this on Thursday, I have no idea, but OF COURSE there are pictures of the four of us together.  July 7, 2007, at some Catholic church in downtown Topeka, at some park we invaded, and whatever the hell bar we went to before the ceremony, as well as the reception.  

But just like with Thursday?  I didn’t need a picture, to remember how great that day was – a big moment in life.  A great moment in life.  Up to and including tailgating a freaking wedding. 

And I guaran-damn-tee you?  Nobody else there Thursday night, needed a picture to remember that ridiculously hot Saturday afternoon either.)

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I don’t need a picture, to remember Thursday.  Or whatever the hell I do for my fortieth, or Mr. Reason does, or “bts” does. 

Because truth be told?  (And note: that's not a given coming of me ... if I'm being honest.)  But truth be told?  None of us needs a picture, to remember or honor greatness.

Sure, a picture is nice.  Even if it's a postcard, it can be legen ... waitforit ... dary.  I’ve asked for the picture of the four of us from Thursday, because I’d love to print it out, buy some cheezy $10 frame that has words about “friends” or “family” or “love” on it, and hang it on the wall in a prominent place guaranteed to be noticed.  We all do that.  And that’s perfectly cool.  A picture is proof of a moment in time you remember.  A picture helps recall that moment. 

But I don’t need a picture, to remember Thursday. 

I don’t need a picture, to remember the greatness that is “The Big Four”.

I don't need a picture to remember anything important, that involves "Jasson", "The Voice of Reason", or "bts".

Because you never need a picture, to remember the moments in life, that not only are great, but that matter.

You only need a picture?

If the moment is not important, is not meaningful, is not significant, is nothing other than, in the words of Sir William Shakespeare, "a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing".

You only need a picture?

If the moment is fakeness at its finest.

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This game Sunday terrifies me.

The Saints remind me so much of the 2002 Chiefs.  They average 31 points a game, and in four of five games so far, have topped 35.  (The 2002 Chiefs first five games?  They scored 40 (W), 16 (L), 38 (L), 48 (W), 29 (W).)  And their defense cannot stop anyone -- every team they have faced has scored at least 30 against them.  (The 2002 Chiefs first five games?  They gave up 39 (W), 23 (L), 41 (L), 30 (W), 25 (W).)

They have a terrific quarterback, a (damien voice) grousely underrated receiving corps, and a (former "friend" voice) criminitely underrated running game.  (Sound familiar, 2002 Chiefs fans?)  They have a brilliant offensive mind as their head coach, and a proven offensive genius as their offensive coordinator.  (Ditto, 2002 Chiefs fans?)  They employ a defensive coordinator who rose to prominence coordinating some decent donkey defenses ... and now oversee the worst unit in the league.  (Double Ditto, 2002 Chiefs fans?)

And the weather for Sunday -- how perfect is this going to be?  75 and sunny at kickoff.  It'll feel like 90 in the lower bowl.  90ish actual feel-like conditions on the next to last Sunday in October!  In Kansas City!  

Like I said, this game terrifies me.

Just like this game did, six years ago, that finally, once and for all, set the 2010 Chiefs on their path to only division championship this franchise has won, since the 2003 season.

It's time to let history repeat itself, yet again.

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"Am I too obvious to preach it?

You're so hypnotic on my heart!"

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To "The Big Four": may we always be great.  Or at least semi-good.

Because the 2016 Kansas City Chiefs, are guaranteed to be at least one of those two things.

But more importantly?

May we always -- always! -- just be "us".

Because "us"?

Don't need no stinkin' pictures, to know who we are.

* at Chiefs 38, Saints (+7) 35 (OT). 

week six: the "mot" is calling - and it ain't "mot kcived" from the american dyslexia society on the line ...

“Far too many times?

A heart gets broken,

Just because three words?

Are never spoken.

We can’t let that bother us!

Not when we’re so much in love!

I could never get enough,

Of saying I love you!

This is our moment of truth;

Either we win or we lose?

This love.

Let’s test the way that we feel;

We’ll know if love is for real?

Soon enough.

Let out your feelings tonight!

Cause oh!  I know that I want you!

It’s all up to me and you –

And the moment of truth! …”

-- “Moment of Truth” by Whitney Houston.

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Last Week SU: 9-5-0

Season to Date SU: 41-36-0.

Last Week ATS: 7-6-1.

Season to Date ATS: 40-34-3.

Last Week Upset O’ The Week: (wadsworth in "clue" voice) this is getting serious.

Season To Date Upset / Week SU: 4-1-0.

Season To Date Upset / Week ATS: 5-0-0.

This Week’s Upset O’ The Week: Bengals (+9) over Patriots.

Last Week SUCK: so close – so close! – yet so far away.

Season To Date SUCK: 2-3-0.

This Week’s SUCK: Saints (+3) over Panthers.

(Note: the SUCK gets credit for being wrong, because it is my favorite bet on the board).

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The Non-Jets, Non-Chiefs Pigskin Prognostications:

(Sadly, still porn-star free.)

* at “Super” Chargers (+3) 34, satan’s squad 20.  OK, I’ll ask the Captain Oats in the room: why the hell isn’t Son O’ Bum the interim for this game for the broncos?  Also, a Stevo’s Site Numero Dos best recovery wishes to donkeys head coach gary “krap of” kubiak.  There is noone – and I mean noone – employed as a coach by the denver broncos, I would rather face, than “krap of” kubiak.  Get well soon, ol’ krappy.

* at Lions (-3) 24, Rams 20.  God, I wish there was a half point involved, either way.  This smells like a last second field goal finish.  Also, this game might end up having potential wild card ramifications entering December (before both squads will collapse, of course).  So there’s that too.

* Jaguars (+2) 31, at Bears 13.  If the Jags are who I think they are – and that is the team that is going to win the AFC South – then in the words of Stevo’s Site Numero Dos’ Color Commentator Emeritus, Dan Dierdorf, “it would behoove the Jaguars to win this game”.  Also, I have no idea what the hell “behoove” means.  I just always liked that word.

* at Saints (+3) 41, Panthers 30.  Every year, there is one team that entering the season is the “no doubt about it” bet to at least reach the Divisional Round … that crashes and burns and misses the playoffs altogether via a head-scratching “what the hell just happened here” season.  Last year it was your Baltimore Ravens.  In 2014 it was your San Francisco 49ers.  In 1998 and 2004, it was our Kansas City Chiefs.  In 2016, I have a feeling that team is the Carolina Panthers, who if they drop this one, are staring 1-5, essentially three or four behind Atlanta (depending on the “Shane” Falcons result on Sunday) barely a third of the way into the season.  I may be eight degrees of stupid, but even I know that cannot be good, if you are a Carolina Panthers fan.

* at Bills (-7 ½) 45, 49ers 13.  I almost hate to say it, but given that (a) it’s Buffalo, and (b) it’s Bills fans, the 49ers might want to invest in armed guards to be with Colin Kaepernick 24/7 this road trip.  Just saying.  Those folks are nuts. 

* at Titans 21, Browns (+7) 17.  I’m sorry, I’m not laying seven on either of these squads.  Also, this game is so awful – and I hinted at this designation last week in the Jets portion of these poorly prepared remarks – this game is so awful, it might actually be worthy of the worst designation I can give to a game.  A designation I give only once a season, to THE single sh*ttiest game imaginable.  Here we are in Week Six, and it’s in play.

(Pause).  Ladies and gentlemen, for your consideration for the One Day At A Time Game O’ The Year “Honor”, I give you … Browns at Titans.

Oh, and without question – (allard baird voice) without question! – this is your Good Times Game O’ The Week.

* Ravens (+3) 10, at Giants 6.  If the Ravens are who I think they are – the “wait, how the hell is a .500 division champ hosting a twelve win wild card squad” team of 2016?  They win this game.

* at Redskins (+2 ½) 34, Eagles 27.  I like this matchup.  A lot.  Hope it’s on the local FOX affiliate in Sioux Falls on Sunday.  (Update: it's not; we get Rams / Lions.  This is such a crock of sh*t!)

* Bengals (+9) 28, at Patriots 24.  Wayne Allyn Root Contrarian Pick O’ The Week.  This just smells like an upset noone sees coming. 

* Steelers 27, at Dolphins (+7 ½) 20.  Thank you for the half point, Danny Sheridan!

* at Packers (-4) 35, Cowboys 30.  I have a feeling not one second of commercials will be viewed in The Garage on Sunday, flipping back and forth between the featured contest, and this game.

* at Seahawks (-6) 31, “Shane” Falcons 20.  Back to reality for the Falcons.  And reality is that a split at denver / at Seattle, is damned good.

* at Texans (-3) 31, Colts 24.  (Pause).  Yeah, it’s time.  I cannot believe I haven’t hauled this out in a while, given that I’ve been to Houston three times in the last fourteen months to witness football action:

(gatlin brothers voice)

Houston!

Houston means that I’m one day closer to you!

Aw honey, Houston!

Houston means the last day of the tour, and we’re through!

Well honey, you and

God in heaven above

Know I love what I do

(For a living – it’s true!)

But honey, Houston?

Houston means that I’m one day closer to you!

Now that’s a great country and western song!

Oh, also – Indy is a go in two weeks.  The tickets have allegedly been purchased, and my sole task this weekend is to bully Nicole into getting us into the Comfort Suites across from Lucas Oil at her corporate rate.  Consider it done kids.  Consider it done.

The Tailgating Plans:

There are no The Tailgating Plans, as this is a road game I will not be attending.  Technically speaking, of course.  Because …

The Watching Party Plans:

I am traveling for this game, five hours north to Dakotaland, to a lovely garage turned into one hell of a man cave / home sports bar, on North 15^th Street in lovely Sioux Falls, South Dakota.

The Garage is a tremendously fun place to watch a game, and what I love the most about it, is that it represents everything that is right with sports.  There will be approximately 25 raider fans there … and approximately 20 Chiefs fans there, including (at last count) six of us heading up from KC. (There will also be one Bucs fan, and one Titans fan, but they don’t count.  I kid, I kid.)

(Me and Rudy last year on Raider Sunday.  Image: someone via my iPhone 6 Plus.)

And yeah, there will be some passionate cheering, and some playful kidding, and possibly one or two (good ol’ jr voice) low blows! thrown, but at the end of the day, nobody will be in jail, nobody will need medical attention, the cops won’t be involved, it’ll be sports the way it was intended to be: fun.  With a lot of Coors Light thrown in to boot.

Plus, it’s a safe bet this place will be visited at least four times.  I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: there’s only one place on earth I’ll drink gin at.  The OT is that place.

Inside Mixology:

This week’s choice is notable simply because it’s the one – and to date only – song I have gotten green light permission to play whenever the mood strikes at Tailgating, that is one gigantic and constant stream … of the f bomb.

Because it really is that damned f*cking good … and that f*cking funny.

This week’s choice is a guaranteed f*cking sing along, the f*cking moment you hear “This is a song?  For the ladies.  But fellas?  Listen closely.”

This week’s choice?  Is “F*ck Her Gently” by Tenacious D.

Who doesn’t love this song?  For starters, it’s Jack Black on the vocals.  Yes – THE Jack Black.  And the chorus – who wouldn’t sing this to their wife / girlfriend / random pickup at the Eclipse:

“I want to f*ck you?  Softly.

I want to screw you?  Gently.

I want to hump you?  Sweetly.

I want to ball you?  Discreetly!”

I mean, Eric Church’s “Like a Wrecking Ball” is great -- and I mean GREAT! -- but it ain’t got nothing on this song.

The “Klassy” Kevin Keitzman Tweet O’ The Week:

OK folks, I am now officially worried.  If not terrified.

The Klassy One hasn’t posted anything – and I mean anything – even remotely stupid, controversial, idiotic, racist, sexist, demeaning, degrading – anything I can take and mock him with, in nearly two months.

This is the equivalent of me going ten days without drinking.  It just isn’t supposed to happen.  Yet somehow, in this case, it has.

If this continues next week, I may have to switch this to the “House of Wings” Tweet O’ The Week.  (Pause).  What?  (Pause).  Yeah, good point – make that the Donald J Trump “House of Wings” Tweet O’ The Hour.

The Fab Five:

And trust me – picking only five plays or moments between the Chiefs and raiders in my lifetime, was anything but easy.

Also, each and every one of these moments needs not a second of explanation, to any true Chiefs fan.

Oh, and if you don’t see number one (or number two) coming from fifty five hundred miles away, then you just don’t know me … or this rivalry.  That, or your name is “conveniently placed back judge” or “eddie anderson”.

5. Arrowhead’s first playoff game.  My 15^th birthday weekend.  Chiefs 10, raiders 6, in a cold, driving sleetstorm that saw the (then) la raiders have first and goal to go, down 4, with barely a couple minutes to play … that wound up as 3^rd and goal at the 34, thanks to six procedural penalties.  Pride and Poise Boys.  Pride and Poise.

4. Mark Collins takes it to the house.  Week Seventeen 1994.  8-7 Kansas City at 9-6 los angeles, the winner gets the six seed and the right to give Miami all it can handle in the Wild Card round.  The Chiefs lead late in the first half when jeff hostetler, for some idiotic reason, tries to force a throw into the end zone.  Mark Collins returns it 97 yards to give the Chiefs a 16-6 lead they would never relinquish, and grab the AFC’s final playoff berth.  This is more notable to society at large as the final game the raiders would play in Los Angeles, but to Chiefs fans, the interception matters more.

3. Since one and two are locked in stone, I could go any number of directions for three.  Do I pick “The Voice of Reason” and Fred Biletnikof’s * classic verbal battles at the Players Entrance?  Do I pick Carl Peterson informing America that “the raiders are all class.  All class.  Except without the c, and without the l”?  Do I pick Chester McGlockton openly begging Marty to sign him in the 1997 offseason, during the 30-0 demolishing of oakland in Week Fifteen 1997?  Do I pick Pete “For President” Stoyanovich’s final meaningful make, a 44 yarder to beat the raiders in Week Twelve 1999 at oakland, and temporarily do what Mr. Stoyanovich refused to ever say – “save the season, because the season needed to be saved”?  Do I pick Art Shell Sumo Wrestling in the Hooters parking lot from back in the day?

Nope.  I’m going with one many of you probably don’t remember.  Week Eleven 2006.  The Chiefs – having opened 0-2, having seen Trent Green nearly die in the opener, have somehow, someway, willed their way back to 5-4, facing two games in five days against their two most bitter of rivals, the first one up being the raiders.

You can read my prediction (and Jesus, did I nail it) and recap of the day by clicking on this link.  Needless to say, it was my favorite homestand of my 20’s.  I can only hope and pray the homestand coming in seven weeks, will be my favorite of my 30’s.

(Pause).  What?  (Pause).  Oh, the moment!  Sorry!  The moment is when aaron brooks throws it to Jarrad Page with 0:08 left in the end zone, to seal a four point win for the Chiefs.

2. I’ll let Al and Dan handle this one.

(al michaels) There you see the President of the Chiefs (Carl Peterson, fist pumping like his name was Stevo)

(dan dierdorf) And poor Joe Bugle.

(al michaels) Bugle looks apoplectic.

(camera) (pans to raiders’ owners box)

(al michaels) (camera focused on al davis)

(al michaels) And Andre Rison has just burned al davis’ house down.  If you know what I mean.

(dan dierdorf) (laughing uncontrollably) Unfortunately, we do!

Or maybe it’s this one liner.

(frank gifford) And Kansas City may have found itself a quarterback.

(al michaels) That’s right, they haven’t been home yet.

(dan dierdorf) (Grbac) might be elected mayor of Kansas City, if the election was today!

(al michaels) Take that, Willie Brown!

Or maybe it’s this one liner.

(al michaels) So the Chiefs need to go eighty yards, in 58 seconds.

(dan dierdorf) With no TO’s.

(frank gifford) We’ve seen it before.

(dan dierdorf) Oh yeah!

Or my personal favorite?

(dan dierdorf) I cannot tell what the definition of the sideline is from up here!

It’s the Miller Lite, Dan.  Good or bad, awesome or ugly, it’s ALWAYS the fault of the beer.  Trust me.

Moment Dos is Elvis Grbac – after the Chiefs trail 24-6 with 0:06 left in the third quarter, in a Week Two Monday Nighter against the raiders in oakland – calmly, methodically, driving the Chiefs down the field, 80 yards, with no timeouts, trailing by five (22-27), before throwing as perfect a ball as you will ever see, a 33 yard strike to Andre “Bad Moon” Rison, who flat out beat eddie anderson, for the winning touchdown.

It’s not “The Night That Will Live in Infamy” for me, since it didn’t involve a cripple, a stripper, a chick with a mustache, and me spooning one of those three as I woke up the following morning … but it is the night I met damned near every person at the lovely apartment complex I lived in at the time in Lake Arlington.  Because I went bat sh*t crazy like I rarely have, after that touchdown throw. 

The coolest part, at least to me?  When I got back from classes the next day at about 4pm (so barely 15, 16 hours later), I walk in, and Frank goes “hey, you got something from your dad, it’s on the coffee table”.  That delivery?  Was a same-day USPS shipment of that day’s Kansas City Star … and a videotape of the game itself.  “In case you missed this!”

In the words of the great Ronnie Milsap – who is long overdue to be used as the theme for a post, if I’m being honest here: “I wouldn’t have missed it?  For the world!”

1. To be fair, you can flip (1) and (2), and you won’t get much of an argument from me.  (2) defined – if not saved – the season for the greatest Chiefs team of my lifetime so far.  (1) gets the call here, because it defined – if not saved – the season for my favorite Chiefs team, of my lifetime so far.

The Chiefs trailed 17-3 with barely five to play, Week Three 1995.  They managed to tie it up and get to overtime, where oakland won the coin toss.  The raiders calmly, methodically begin marching the field.  They face a 1^st and 20 at the Chiefs 40 after a holding call.  And then …

(marv albert) “The pass is … INTERCEPTED!  (Note: you can’t hear Marv, the crowd was so f*cking loud at this point.)  INTERCEPTED!  By … Hasty!  James Hasty!  Running down the sidelines!  He is … in!  Touchdown!  Kansas City touchdown!  Chiefs win!”

Which was amazing enough in and of itself.  But as Cris Collinsworth so perfectly (and accurately pointed out):

(cris collinsworth) And hostetler is furious – look at this back judge, Marv!  He picked (tim brown)!  He set a pick!  And it gave James Hasty the opportunity he needed, to make that play happen!

James Hasty returning an interception, in overtime, for a touchdown, to beat the hated raiders.  Yes, it’s my favorite play against those people.  But – and for once, this might be a valid defense in my ongoing (probably) fruitless and (potentially) pointless quest to prove I’m at least semi-sane – but?

What does it say for how epic 1995 was, that I wouldn’t even rate Mr. Hasty’s interception return as my SECOND favorite moment, from that season?  And it might barely qualify for third?

(*: no raiders week is complete without it.  (The Voice of Reason Voice) “I HATE YOU FRED!!!!!!!!!”  To which the class – minus the c, and the l, of course – that was Fred Biletnikof would respond “F*CK YOU!!!!!!!!!”, while puffing a lung dart outside the walkway.  God, the late 90s and early 00s were some fun, fun times.)

The Jets Prognostication:

I noted six months ago, in the first look at the schedule, that there was a very high probability the Jets would enter this game 1-4, staring a lost season in the face, before shocking the nation by upsetting the Cardinals, and pole-vaulting a 9-2 finish, to get to 10-6 and the final slot in the AFC Postseason.

I’m about to double down on that prediction.

* Jets (+7 ½) 27, at “Super” Cardinals 17.

The Chiefs Pointless Pontificating, and Probably P*ss Poor Prediction:

“Just because three words?

Are never spoken!”

I know most people will focus on me picking an obscure, thirty year old Whitney Houston track for this week’s theme, and reach what the sane, rational, reasonable conclusion of that selection is –

Stevo has done lost it.

Only … I haven’t.

Because there are three words, that seem to never be spoken as much as they should have on this site, that apply to this week’s contest by the Bay.

And those three words aren’t “I Love You”.

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The Chiefs have a tremendous opportunity on Sunday afternoon, irregardless of what happens at The Q tonight.  (I do believe San Diego is going to win, so that’s the basis for a lot of the optimism about to be typed.)

If the Chiefs win, they’ll tie oakland (and possibly denver) in the loss column.  They’ll have two divisional games in hand, including one on the road.  And they’re staring a next five in the face, that should have every Chiefs fan drooling with “holy sh*t, we win this one, we’re 8-2 going to denver!” anticipation: vs Saints / at Colts / vs Jaguars / at Panthers / vs Bucs.

Did the Chiefs get demolished in Pittsburgh two weeks ago?  Yes.  Yes, they did.  Even this delusional dude cannot deny that the Chiefs were 29 points worse than the Steelers, in prime time, on a national stage, the last time they took the field.

But folks?  We don’t face Pittsburgh on Sunday.  And God willing, we won’t face them again until next year – be it in January, or be it in the 2017 season.

Sunday?  Is the Chiefs … moment of truth.

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The Chiefs absolutely can win this game.  For starters, they’re the better team.  If they fail to score 30 plus on Sunday, there’d better be firings on Monday amongst the offensive coaching staff, because every team oakland has faced, save for the woeful Titans, has reached 30.  New Orleans, Atlanta, Baltimore – who just fired their offensive coordinator for his, uuh, offensive offense – and San Diego?  All reached at least 30 against this god-awful raiders defense.

Even the “32 Defense”, the 2002 Chiefs, held two of their first five opponents, below 30 points.  (The Jags scored 23 in a Week Two Chiefs defeat; the Jets scored 25 in a Week Five Chiefs victory.)  Sh*t, even the “32 Defense” had a shutout in it!  (49-0 vs Arizona over Thanksgiving Weekend.)

And yet, oakland stands at 4-1, in complete and total control of its own destiny in the AFC West.

My point?  The raiders defense is (charles barkley voice) TURRIBLE!  And the Chiefs defense?  Isn’t half bad, all things considered.

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The Chiefs can absolutely lose this game.  For starters, they’re the inferior team.  They’ll fail to score 30 plus on Sunday, because the offense is that atrocious.  The offense has had one good quarter (out of sixteen, plus one overtime) so far this year – and damn, has that amazing quarter masked fifteen of sh*ttacular failure.

We know, going in, that the raiders are going to score at least thirty points.  They’ve done that all but one game so far, and the only game they didn’t (a shocking low-scoring affair in Nashville), they still won comfortably. 

The Chiefs?  Have scored 30 just once, the opener against San Diego, that required a 27-3 finish to get a 33-27 win.  They scored a pathetic 12 at Houston, the defense and special teams accounted for more points (18) than the offense (6) in a 24-3 win over the Jets, and the Chiefs didn’t score until the score was 36-0 in their last outing.

And yet, Kansas City stands at 2-2, in complete and total control of its own destiny in the AFC West.

My point?  The Chiefs offense is (charles barkley voice) TURRIBLE!  And the raiders defense?  Isn’t half bad, all things considered.

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Sunday, is the “moment of truth” for this Chiefs season.  Yet “moment of truth” aren’t the three words, that will define this post, or define this season. 

Because Sunday?  Is all about my ability to text three magical words, that indicate something great is about to occur, as this season progresses.  Sunday is all about putting oakland back in its place as the red-headed step child of the AFC West.  Sunday is about closing down the whatever the hell they call it now Oakland Alameda County Coliseum, the same way we closed down Real Mile High back in 2000.  It’s about establishing for history’s sake, who truly owned the joint.

And that owner of said joint?

Isn’t the current occupant.

Sunday is about three words, three magical words, that hardly get spoken.  But when they do?  They matter.

Season.  F*cking.  On.

* Chiefs (+1) 41, at raiders 38.