* Packers (+7 1/2) 34, at 49ers 31 (OT). See last year's AFC Title Game for my rationale and/or reasoning for this pick. (Proven veteran quarterback refusing to let his possible last credible chance at a Lombardi go to waste, willing his team to victory (phil collins voice) against all odds.)
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The Chiefs Pontification and Prognostication.
(archie voice) we ready ... we ready ... we ready ... for y'all ...
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"All her life, she has seen?
The meanest side of me."
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Here we are, twenty four hours out from the pre-party waiting for the gates of, uuh, Gate Six, to swing wide open, and begin what will be either possibly the happiest sports day of my life ... or without question -- (allard baird voice) without question -- the worst. (And no doubt many of you reading this, feel the same way).
But rather than dwelling on those emotions of joy and anticipation, or fear and anxiety, I find myself dwelling on pure raw anger, if not outright hatred, and most assuredly extreme frustration, over a meme that has overtaken Twitter (as well as other social media and regular media) this week regarding this game.
So let me state up front: if you feel that my anger and disgust and frustration about to be expressed below is targeting you, because you happen to share the meme's core (misguided and fatally flawed) belief?
Well, then you might want to start reading now.
Not stop -- start.
Because my righteous anger?
Has never been so well placed.
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"They took away the prophet's dream?
For a profit on the street."
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If you search Twitter for that
And no, the theme that enrages me is not the "how are the Chiefs going to stop Derrick Henry" question. For starters, we won't. I mean, as the late, great Colonel John "Hannibal" Smith once noted: "if you ignore the obvious, anything is possible".
Because in our first go-around with these fine folks, Mr. Henry had nearly 180 yards with twelve minutes to play, in Nashville ... and the Chiefs had the ball, up nine. It took an epic fumble returned for touchdown, a Dusty C brain fart never to be repeated again, a Ryan Tannehill conversion likely never to be seen again, a blocked field goal, and the worst play call of "Fat" Andy's career (seriously, Blake Bell the only option?), to give the fake oilers the win. Derrick Henry did not win that game. We lost it.
Mr. Henry can run for 300 yards for all I care. Just like two months ago, he's not going to decide who wins this game on Sunday.
(Nobody on the fake oilers sideline, is going to determine who wins on Sunday, for what it's worth. But anyways.)
Let the fake oilers attempt to do whatever the hell they want to attempt to do. I don't give a sh*t. And frankly, neither should you.
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"But now she's stronger than you know --
A heart of steel starts to grow ..."
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We know what to expect from the fake oilers. Because we know that despite the fake oilers best effort, the Chiefs -- and this is the rock bottom scenario people -- we know that the Chiefs will have the ball, with a shot to tie or win, late in the game, no matter what the fake oilers do.
How do we know this?
Because it is what the Chiefs do!
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"All his life, he's been told?
He'll be nothing when he's old."
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In every single game that counts this season (meaning all but the indefensible but necessary evil that is preseason football), the Chiefs have either (a) had the ball with a shot to tie or win inside the final five minutes of the game, or (b) have led by so much, the final five minutes of the game didn't matter.
Doubt me? Here you go.
* They blew out the Jaguars in Week One, in a game I believe they never trailed, by thirty.
* They closed out yet another AFC West stadium the right way * in oakland Week Two by twenty-ish.
* They led by thirteen with four to play against the Ravens in Week Three, and won by five via the victory formation.
* They got the ball back with under three to play at Detroit, trailing by three. They won by four.
* They had the ball inside of five to play against the Colts, trailing by six. (The Colts held on fourth down.)
* They had the ball inside of five to play against the Texans, trailing by seven. (The Titans held on fourth down.)
* They blew out those people at fake mile high in Week Seven by nearly thirty points.
* With a high school coach at quarterback, they had the ball down seven with five to play against the Packers in Week Eight. (The Chiefs
* With a high school coach at quarterback, they had the ball tied with two minutes to play against the Vikings in Week Nine. They won on a field goal as time expired.
* They got the ball back inside of a minute to play in Nashville in Week Ten, down by three, and got to attempt the tying field goal from a reasonable distance. (It was blocked.)
* They led by fourteen with four to play in Week Eleven, against the "Super" Chargers in Mexico. They won by seven via the victory formation.
* Bye surrendered as only bye and "Sur" William Callahan, can, uuh, surrender, to their opponents.
* They beat the f*cking sh*t out of the raiders by 31 in Week Thirteen ** . Always a blast!
* They led the Patriots in New England by fourteen with eight to play, and by six at the two minute warning. The defense held on fourth and goal to win.
* They destroyed those people by three touchdowns in the snow in Week Fifteen. (So much fun! #neverdenver)
* They may have ended Mitchell Trubisky's relevance as a quarterback in Chicago in Week Sixteen via a woodshed beating in prime time.
* They led the Chargers by three with three to play in Week Seventeen. They won by ten, as perfectly called by Kevin Harlan and Dick Gannon.
* Once again, bye surrendered as only bye and "Sur" William Callahan's former boss, "Surrender" Steve Pederson, can, uuh, surrender to their opponents.
* After spotting the Texans twenty four points, the Chiefs led by four at the half, by twenty seven with five to play, and won by twenty.
That, ladies and gentlemen, is why I can confidently and arrogantly predict, that what the fake oilers do on Sunday won't matter a hill of beans (linkin park voice) in the end.
Please, if you read about what Derrick Henry or Ryan Tannehill or Mike Vrabel are going to do to us on Sunday, please -- (twenty one pilots voice) don't believe the hype!
Because like both political parties platforms?
The hype for what the fake oilers are allegedly going to do to us, is an indefensible load of lies, shouted to the masses atop a mountain of the foulest smelling bullsh*t one can imagine.
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(*: in 2000, the Chiefs closed out Real Mile High with an epic 23-22 comeback. In 2016, the Chiefs closed out The Q with a 37-27 rout of the "Super" Chargers that clinched the AFC West. In 2018, the Chiefs destroyed the Chargers 38-28 in their final game at Dignity Park (a game they led 38-10), and as someone far more talented with words than me once noted, "there was nothing dignified about the Chargers season". In 1994, the Chiefs closed out the raiders occupancy of The Coliseum 19-9, in a de facto playoff game against them. And this season, we closed out the Real Black Hole with a 28-10 victory that saw the Chiefs score 28 unanswered points. That's 5 for 5, against (current) AFC West opponents in their final home game against us. Suck that, divisional foes. Also, the Chiefs won their final game at the Real Sombrero to open the 1993 season against former divisional foe Tampa Bay. Ain't we lucky we got 'em? (Na Na Na Na Na!) Good Times!!!!!)
(**: this game, more than any other this season, defines why I am so f*cking frustrated with Chiefs Twitter right now. We'll get to this shortly. And by "shortly", I probably mean "twelve pages from now in the Fake Word I use on the Chromebook, to type these posts".)
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"All the kicks and all the blows?
He won't ever let it show."
--------------------
Actually, I changed my mind.
By "shortly", let me explain "now".
The media -- and to be fair, I pretty much bought into this narrative, because it was at least technically true -- the media hyped up that raiders game as the "Battle for the AFC West". 6-5 oakland at 7-4 Kansas City.
The reason I note the records? The raiders entered that game with the ability to tie the Chiefs atop the division with four to play. The division was completely and totally up for grabs with five games to play ... at least until kickoff.
The Chiefs not only won that game by five scores ... but they clinched the division the following week, and won the division by five full games (six with tiebreakers) over both the raiders and those people.
From a division being up for grabs, to clinching it a week later, to winning the division by pushing half a season's worth of contests, all accomplished in the most difficult month on the schedule.
There's a word to describe what the Chiefs did this entire season, what the Chiefs did in December, what the Chiefs did in the most epic quarter in franchise history so far, last week against the Texans.
There's an accurate, truthful, (howard 100 voice) "no more bullsh*t" word, to describe what the Chiefs have done this season, and why I and many of you will be freezing our balls off tomorrow (which beats what fake oilers coach Mike Vrabel plans to do to his manhood) for ten plus hours, to watch this team one last time this season in person.
Why Twitter (and damned near every other media outlet, social or otherwise) can't get the word that explains why that will occur, right?
Is why I'm so frustrated.
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"'Cause he's stronger than you know --
A heart of steel starts to grow ..."
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So let's pull a "bizarro" Hannibal Smith here, and actually acknowledge the obvious.
There is one -- and only one -- person that truly controls the outcome to Sunday's game, and that one and only person, is "Fat" Andy Reid.
And actually, on this point, Chiefs media and I pretty much agree. (Especially Arrowhead Pride -- I cannot recommend Kent ... excuse me, "Rant" Swanson's diatribe on what the Chiefs need to do Sunday (it's in the last ten minutes) enough, and how "Fat" Andy controls the key to the car, so to speak, to make it happen. It ... it's absolutely glorious.)
Everything on Sunday is in the hands of "Fat" Andy. As it should be, to be honest.
And yet ... even "Rant" Swanson tended to use the wrong word, (javier colon via cyndi lauper voices) "time after time", to describe Sunday. Just like so damned many people this week have.
What has me so righteously outraged, is what people are saying about "Fat" Andy's opportunity Sunday (and by extension, the Chiefs opportunity, and by extension, our opportunity as fans).
Because the predominate password everyone seems to be using, is "deserve".
And using "deserve" as the password to describe Sunday?
Could not possibly be a worse decision, than damned near anything I've ever done in my life.
And considering I should be the picture in the dictionary next to the phrase "f*ck up and fail", that's saying something.
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"When you've been fighting for it all your life?
Been struggling to make things right?
That's how a superhero learns to fly!
(Every day! Every hour! Turn that pain into power!)"
--------------------
Look it, I get the sentiment. We all root for the good guys in life who fight and struggle and scrape and scrap and somehow, someway, seem to fall just short of what it is they set out to attain. (I mean, it's why y'all love me, right? Right?
But Chiefs fans? Peoples and peepettes? Random stoned dude stumbling onto this post while (president clinton voice)
"Fat" Andy doesn't deserve this win. The Chiefs don't deserve this win. Us Chiefs fans, loyal season ticket holders (holla!), die hard fans unable to be there tomorrow but rooting on from wherever y'all happen to be?
We don't deserve this win.
Not after this season. Not after the last seven seasons. Not after the last thirty something seasons.
Hell no. Oh hell no. Oh hell f*cking no, we do not deserve this victory on Sunday.
Deserve doesn't even begin to describe it.
--------------------
(***: please, if you're sensitive to chemical dependency, skip this note **** ... but note: (dierks bentley voice) am I the only one who still prefers his weed via an expelled Swisher? Most everyone else seems to have moved on to vaping (and to be fair, that includes me during tailgating via Coltin's electric thingy, but still). Do roaches even exist anymore outside of the Casa de Stevo? And, once again dierks bentley voice, "am I the only one" who can't figure out which effing button to push, on the electric thingy, to get the hit? I feel like NBC should do a "The More You Know" promo on this. Also, in the words of Green Day: "am I just stoned"?)
(****: so I met up with my buddies Andrew and Brock last night at everyone's favorite "lounge", as they're in for this game, being Titans fans. (As I proof and attempt to edit this on Saturday morning, one is asleep on the couch, the other in the guest room.) And the funniest moment last night had to be when for some reason (subnote: alcohol was involved), Brock went off on how
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"When you've been fighting for it all your life?
You've been working every day and night?
That's how a superhero learns to fly!
(Every day! Every hour! Turn that pain into power!) ..."
Because the correct password?
The one way too few people are using this week?
Is "earn".
We have earned this game on Sunday. Re-read the stat lines (way far) above for every game this season. And then realize this: the Chiefs are
Let that sink in! Your playoff teams this year?
* The Ravens lost by fourteen at home to the Browns. The Cleveland f*cking Browns! To say nothing of what the fake oilers did to them (barenaked ladies voice) one week ago.
* The Patriots lost by twenty in Baltimore, and damned close to that amount in Houston.
* The Texans just lost by twenty here, in a game they led by twenty four. Oh, and they somehow lost by double digits to a 3-8 those people squad. At home!
* The Bills got demolished by three scores at home to the Eagles.
* The fake oilers were shut out at fake mile high, lost to the lowly clueless Jaguars by two touchdowns, lost to the Saints -- in a "win and you're in" game at home! -- by ten (in a game that wasn't even that close), and somehow found a way to sh*t the bed at Carolina by two scores to boot. (And we're supposed to be afraid and/or terrified of these people? (nell carter voice) Gimme a break!))
* The Packers got destroyed by the Bay by four touchdowns, in prime time to boot.
* The Saints got demolished at home by a 1-7 "Shane" Falcons squad, and lost by twenty in LA.
* The Eagles lost by thirty in Dallas, twenty-ish in Minnesota, and couldn't manage an touchdown at home against the Seahawks.
* The Seahawks lost by fourteen to the "Super" Cardinals at home, and to the Ravens by the (old school tv show voice) same bat score, at the same bat stadium.
* The Vikings just got raped by the Bay last week, lost at home by two touchdowns with the division on the line to the Packers, and couldn't score a touchdown in a double digit loss in Chicago.
The only other NFL team to not lose a game by more than seven points?
Go figure, is also hosting a Title Game this weekend -- your San Francisco 49ers.
So please, spare me this utter nonsense that "Fat" Andy or the Chiefs or Patrick Mahomes "Of the Chiefs" or us Chiefs fans "deserve" this game, this win, this Super Bowl berth, this coin-flip proposition of hosting the greatest championship parade of all time, spare me this utter nonsense that we "deserve" this.
We don't "deserve" it.
We've f*cking earned it.
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"All the hurt, all the lies?
All the tears that they've cried?
When the moment is just right?
You see fire in their eyes!"
--------------------
Because Sunday, Chiefs fans?
Is what we have been fighting for our entire lives.
This is what we have spent thousands of ... well, you name it. Hours, dollars, emotions, shouts, claps, naughty words, beers, streamers, no matter what you think of, we've invested thousands into that word you think of.
Again -- whatever you may think, hear, feel, see, touch, imbibe, inhale, snort or screw when it comes to Sunday? Never, ever doubt -- we have earned this (whitney houston voice) one moment in time.
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"'Cause (we're) stronger than you know!
(Our) hearts of steel start to grow!"
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As the great Norman Dale noted in "Hoosiers": "we're way past big speech time here".
Because as the theme to this (jimmy buffett voice) one particular
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"When you've been fighting for it all your life?
Been struggling to make things right?
That's how a superhero learns to fly!
(Every day! Every hour! Turn that pain into power!)
When you've been fighting for it all your life?
Been working every day and night?
That's how a superhero learns to fly!
(Every day! Every hour! Turn that pain into power!)"
--------------------
If you need a pep talk to invest a few hours of your day tomorrow into simply enjoying every godd*mned moment, of what is going to be the greatest day of our Chiefs fandom, then I don't know what to tell you, other than these (vice president biden voice) three words, that absolutely, totally, and undeniably apply to you, if you are a Chiefs fan, and those words are these:
We have earned Sunday.
I've been noting all week in response to every comment sent to me on Twitter or Facebook (sorry, but those are the only two social media concoctions I use ... although "reputable singles site" still draws my attention from time to time ...), as I've been noting all week, Sunday is going to be the greatest party this city has ever thrown.
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"She's got lions in her heart,
A fire in her soul!
He's got a beast in his belly
That's too hard to control!
'Cause they've taken too much hits,
Taken blow by blow.
Now they light a match --
Stand back! Watch them explode! ..."
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Show up early. Plan to stay late. Come ready to celebrate. Come ready to cheer, to shout, to (jim valvano voice) have your emotions moved to tears. There's a ceiling that Secretary Clinton failed to shatter, that's about to get danced on.
Everything has been building to this. The match, peoples and peepettes, has been lit.
All that's left now, is to stand back, and watch the mother f*cker explode.
If you need a place to party, you know where to find us. (Lot G, on the grass just north of the G30 sign. Find our red bus and the Mahomies bus, and head for the tents in between.) As always, anyone and everyone who desires to be there will be welcomed (journey voice) with open arms. We don't discriminate, we don't disapprove of people, we don't bar or ban you, no matter who you are, who you choose to root for, vote for, or how god awful you sound shouting the words to "Daydream Believer". (There's video out there, I've been told. Y'all who know me, know how awful my normal voice sounds. Try setting it to music after seven shots of Fireball and half a dozen Kingdom Ale's. It's ... as the late, great Mr. Hugh M. Hefner would note, it is something ... really special.)
Sunday is all about one thing. What we -- the collective we -- what we who are the Red and Gold off (but most especially on) the field, have earned.
Because God bless it, the explosion we're about to witness?
Is going to be real, and it is going to be beyond spectacular.
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"When you've been fighting for it all your life?
When you've been struggling to make things right?
That's how a superhero learns to fly!
(Every day! Every hour! Turn that pain into power!) ...
Power! Power! Power! Power!
Every day! Every hour! Turn that pain into power!
Power! Power! Power! Power!
Every day! Every hour! Turn that pain into power!"
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To quote my hero in life, my father: "this is going to be an ass kicking of Biblical proportions" on Sunday.
It's our time now.
It's OUR time now!
(See? Even nearly forty years ago, Coach Brooks got it! "Earned"! Not "deserved" -- earned!)
* at Chiefs (-7) 52, fake oilers 13. The entire second half is going to be one very long, jubilant countdown to the moment I have waited my entire life to see, the moment Clark Hunt accepts his daddy's trophy on behalf of Chiefs Kingdom.
Even odds I'll be crying even more than Mr. Hunt, when that moment finally arrives, at pushing 6pm Arrowhead time, a little over twenty four hours from now.
See ya tomorrow!
(Oh, and your theme was "Superheroes" by The Script.)
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