the week five picks

“Well I’m not saying that we solved overnight
Every way we went wrong.
But what I’m seeing? I’d sure love seeing
Every morning from now on.

And maybe it’s a little too early
To know if this is gonna work.
All I know is you’re sure looking
Good in my shirt …”

Last Week ATS: 9-7-0.
Season to Date ATS: 33-29-2.

Last Week SU: 8-8-0.
Season to Date SU: 33-31-0.

Last Week Upset of the Week: another cover.
Season to Date Upset / Week ATS: 3-1-0.
Season to Date Upset / Week SU: 0-4-0. Yikes. But – but! – this week, there is one upset that I am so confident is going to occur, that I will give you every damned pick the rest of the year for free if I fail to nail the outright winner! (everyone voice) wait, you already do that …
This Week’s Upset of the Week: keep reading. (everyone voice) oh no. Oh no! Oh Stevo please, do NOT pick the Chiefs! DO! NOT! PICK! THE! CHIEFS! We lost by 45 when you picked us as the Upset of the Week three weeks ago! Please, don’t do it again!!!! To which I reply … just keep reading …

The Non-Chiefs, Non-Jets, Non-Upset of the Year Predictions:

* at Vikings (-3) 24, Cardinals 20. Is this McNabb’s final NFL start?
* at 49ers (-2 ½) 31, Bucs 28. This year’s 49ers are what I thought last year’s would be.
* Eagles (-3) 34, at Bills 30. I love proven veteran winners with their backs to the wall.
* at Steelers (-3 ½) 41, Titans 10. This line is at least 5 points too low. At least.
* Bengals (+1 ½) 13, at Jaguars 10. The Jags are favored? What am I missing here?
* at Panthers (+6 ½) 31, Saints 28. Cousin Sal’s Upset of the Week. I concur with his pick.
* at Texans 24, raiders (+6) 23. Not sold on this pick one bit. raiders definitely cover.
* at Giants 30, Seahawks (+10) 24. Neither of these teams should ever be favored by double digits.
* at Falcons (+5 ½) 31, Packers 30. Really? The Pack would be favored by 9 on a neutral field? Bullsh*t.
* at Lions (-5 ½) 45, Bears 13. What’s the over/under on a Lions fan(s) storming the set and physically mauling Matt Millen, 6:01pm? 6:03pm at the latest? And you know what? I cannot WAIT to see Lions fan(s) get their shots in at the worst general manager in NFL history. This would be like if ESPN hired josh mcdaniels to be on the pregame show and they were live at fake mile high. donkeys fans would riot, as well they should. Oh, and Scott Pioli? If you think for even one second of firing my beloved Coach Asshat and replacing him with josh mcdaniels, those “riot like conditions” are going to exist in your office, and it’s gonna involve me, a sledgehammer, and whatever illegally purchased firearm(s) I can get my hands on ...

The Jets Prognostication:

The 2011 New York Football Jets are everything I thought they would be. At Patriots (-9 ½) 48, Jets 20. And I’m being really, really generous in assuming this fatally flawed team can post 20.

Which leaves two games to prognosticate. (kellie voice) oh no. OH HELL NO! Sorry chica, but for one week, I’m buying what those f*ckheads are selling …

The Upset of the Year Prediction:

I would argue two teams seasons are on the line Sunday afternoon at fake mile high. The donkeys, for obvious reasons – they’re 1 and 3, and I don’t see any way they recover from two home losses in the division. (Recover from 1 and 4, in this division? Yes. But not when you’re 0 for the division at home.) And yes, I think the Chargers season is on the line too – they don’t play at home again until November 6th … against the Packers. San Diego’s next four? At denver / bye / at Jets / at Chiefs (MNF) / vs Packers. That’s a four game losing streak if I’ve ever seen one five weeks in advance … if they lose this one.

There aren’t a lot of things in life I have an absolute belief in, but one of them will be on full display Sunday afternoon, and it is this: I absolutely believe that Norval Eugene Turner can lose to ANYONE, ANYWHERE, ANYTIME. And Sunday, he’s going to do just that. Sweet Jesus I feel so dirty predicting this. I feel like I need a long shower and a post-sexual encounter exam at the clinic, I feel so dirty doing this. But if denver can do this, it’s season effing on. Because rooting for my team’s best interests trumps rooting for a team indwelt by demons … hang on, let me make sure I can do this. (denver pa dude’s voice) Phyllis Rivers’ pass is IN! COM! PLETE! Waa Waa Waa Waa! OK, we’re good. at donkeys (+4) 27, Chargers 20, in my Upset of the Week, if not the entire freaking year, prediction.

Oh, and in case you missed this week’s Chiefs posts:

* the recap of the funnest Chiefs game I’ve attended since the denver win in 2008.
* your handy dandy Chiefs rooting guide for the second quarter of the 2011 season.
* and my thoughts on Mizzou potentially committing athletic and financial suicide.

And now … the Chiefs Prognostication:

I don’t have much to say this week. Because this guy said it perfectly.

If Coach Asshat still has faith, so do I. And so should you.

Chiefs (+1 ½) 27, Colts 17.