Hola! And welcome to what is arguably the single most important night in our nation's history. And no, that is not hyperbole.
Well, ok, fine, it is. But this is certainly amongst the top five most important night's in this nation's history during my lifetime. Governor Romney has to build on the awesome momentum that Secretary of State Rice and our nation's next Vice President gave him last night.
I'll stick with this for awhile, but I'm gonna peel away sometime in the 8pm hour, because I want to watch Romney's speech uninterrupted, and quite honestly, I'm so fired up to get to cheer for Mike Eruzione one more time that I need ten minutes to compose myself before he takes the stage.
As always, I'm logged into Yahoo! IM as teamtito15. Feel free to comment there, or post a comment below.
Let's do this.
Jon Kyl is boring as hell. Probably good my CSPAN feed keeps stalling.
Oh, same setup as usual -- MSNBC on the TV, CSPAN on the laptop. Occasionally I'll flip to CNN. I'll watch the final hour plus on ABC, which prior to Tuesday, was the last unbiased network left. And now that they've fired their biased news dude on loan from Yahoo!, they are restored to their status as the last unbiased network left.
CSPAN replaying highlights from Ryan's speech last night. How you lift only a section, I have no clue, that whole thing was phenomenal. Even the lady who sits across from me (who is a huge Obama supporter), when she got there this morning, she said "he did a good job last night. I'm finally worried (about winning)."
I think we're winning the debate!
On MSNBC: they're attacking Romney for being rich. Unbelievable. Actually, no, it's not, but still -- this is America for Christ's sake. We LOVE greed!
As usual, Ed Schultz is the voice of reason on the panel. And yes, I just used the phrase "voice of reason" to describe Ed Schultz. When you're sitting next to Maddow, O'Donnell, Sharpton, and Hayes, with Matthews chiming in from a bar in Tampa (no, seriously -- the MSNBC set is in a bar! Awesome!), you're by default the voice of reason.
Rachel Maddow just noted the "push back from the non-partisan press" today. (stevo spitting out his vodka and mountain dew) WHAT?!?!?!
Chick on CSPAN noting third party candidate Gary Johnson is polling near double digits in Colorado and Nevada: "that could have an affect in a close election". (Note to Stevo: stick more pins in Ralph Nader voodoo doll tonight ...)
In case you don't think I am DIALED into this election? I TOTALLY forgot the Chiefs played tonight. So I might have to flip to CBS on occasion now too.
On CSPAN: Orrin Hatch (UT) wearing a lei. One of the funniest images of my life -- a Mormon Senator getting lei'd.
Per the schedule, Speaker Boehner gavels us in at 6:30. Some band called Seven is doing the National Anthem. Then Rep. Mack (FL) and a President Reagan tribute video, followed by former Speaker Gingrich. That takes us to 7pm.
Reverend Al: "people are sitting around asking how can I keep my health insurance" Uuh, Al? I THOUGHT YOU GUYS FIXED THAT PROBLEM!
We're underway.
Decent Anthem. And it looks like the joint is packed. If I lived in the Bay area, I'd have found a way to sneak in.
I see Cardinal Dolan is giving the benediction tonight. Uum ... ok, fine, I have my issues with the Church, so please, if you wonder why I think giving ANY Catholic minister even 2/1000ths of a podium to speak is BEYOND offensive, click here. Rot in hell, Bishop Finn. And the sooner, the better.
Oh God no. "Stevo's Most Hated Band Ever" comes up, and the drunken delegate dancing begins. If I have to hear the full song, I've Got a Feeling, That Tonight is Most Definitely NOT Gonna Be a Good Night.
We're already 5 minutes ahead of schedule. Thank God. I have to work tomorrow.
You gotta love a designed applause line that generates no response. Nice job, Rep. Mack!
I really hope the RNC wasn't counting on picking up Florida to take the Senate, because there's no way this guy's beating Bill Nelson. I'm falling asleep, and I'm only two cocktails in.
HOLY CRAP! Stop the Presses! The Jets! Have! Found! The! ENDZONE!!!!! Take THAT, 1977 Falcons!
Reagan video starting.
(Stevo applauding loudly ...) That was amazing.
Speaker Gingrich and whatever number trophy wife this is arrive on the podium.
Classy MSNBC -- they're streaming the CSPAN camera feed right now. #lazyasf*ck
Drill! Drill! Drill!!! And I say that as someone who currently doesn't operate a motor vehicle, so I'm spared the $3.76 / gallon gas. Drill! Drill! Drill!!!
Looks like Jeb Bush is next, followed by Real World: Somewhere alumnus Sean Duffy (I'm thinking he was in Boston, but maybe New Orleans?), then Mitt's brother Craig. Thank you GOP, for building in the Memorial WWE Women's Title Match for the conveniently timed bathroom break.
And yes, it is BEYOND awesome that GE Smith is back in my life. #oldschoolsnlfan
Neat Hispanic Republicans video there.
Whoops, Craig is Romney's son, not brother. Sorry 'bout that.
He's overwhelmed. In his defense? If I was introducing my father to the nation as it's next President? I'd be overwhelmed too. It's kind of neat to see, actually.
Hey, an ADA Branch sighting! Or at least hearing. Nice to hear Fred Thompson's voice.
Hey, how come none of these kids in this "I wanna be" video desire to be a 35 year old alcoholic live blogging a political convention? (rimshot?)
OK, that's not the Sean Duffy I was expecting. But -- I swear! -- the former "Real World" dude is a congressman from Wisconsin, and he's a Republican, and he's married to a Hispanic chick. So yeah, I have NO clue who this Sean Duffy is.
Come on GOP, can't we haul Katherine Harris out there on stage, just to complete the raping tonight? #stillbitterover2000
MSNBC still stealing CSPAN's feed. Hang on, let me check CNN, maybe only one feed is working right now. (Changing channel ...) Well, Anderson Cooper is bloviating right now, so no clue. But I know there's multiple feeds here for multiple networks, from flipping around last night.
And spare me the "check FOX!" crap response. I can get behind this ticket because Obama's that awful. But I'll be damned if I'm drinking the Kool-Aid -- I'm hopping on the truck with Congressman Ryan and praying I don't get gunned down.
(My God, the Jamestown throw-away references don't work anymore ... because a Congressman Ryan seeks to become our next Veep. Dammit all! Dammit all to hell!)
Stunner -- the District's schools are failing.
Oh, Sean Duffy's a teacher. OK, now this makes sense. Although I still with it was the former Real World dude.
Wait -- since when do Republicans launch "stem labs" that "promote science"? I thought they opposed stem cell research, and thought women being raped can just "shut that thing down"? I'm confused.
And yes, the fact that a certifiable f*cking IDIOT like Todd Akin is TIED with Claire McCaskill? FRIGHTENS me. I FLED Kansas to get away from morons like Todd Akin. Turns out I traded in Phill Kline for something just as bad.
FYI -- I have no problem with vouchers ... so long as vouchers are only used in public education within the same district as the child lives in. Having said that, as the son of a long-time teacher and proud NEA member? I totally understand why the teachers oppose vouchers so much.
I'm not trying to intentionally make fun of this current speaker ... but he's coming off like a poorly played Tracy Morgan SNL character.
FYI -- this is about to get UGLY. There is not ONE thing worth listening to or watching over the next 30 minutes -- it's Romney's fellow Church members, the band that did the Anthem, and that annoying chica from Washington who makes me understand why Elvis shot his television screen.
Stat -- flip to MSNBC! Matthews and Schultz are having a verbal throwdown of a generation!
This is EPIC! And Reverend Al chimes in on Matthews' side! I swear to Christ, Ed Schultz might kill Sharpton during the next commercial break.
It's probably good Matthews and Schultz are 2,000 miles apart.
Now Rachel's mad as hell! And poor Chris Hayes is sitting with a "f*ck no, I'm not jumping in!" look.
And now HE jumps in!
DAMMIT! Maddow shuts this down. Although she's making fun of it and pissing off both Schultz and Matthews. #whyilovemaddow
We're at commercial. If Reverend Al doesn't reappear ... uum, remember that old joke where President Bush goes to speak to a class, a kid named Stanley asks him why we invaded Iraq when there were no WMD's, then the bell for recess conveniently rings? Kids come back, and (go figure) a kid named Steve then asks the President "why did we invade Iraq when there were no WMD's ... and also, why did the bell ring ten minutes early, and where the hell is Stanley?" If Reverend Al isn't there when they come back from break ... uum ... why did you go to break ten minutes early, and where the hell is Reverend Al?
Maddow just explained (inadvertently) why they're using CSPAN's feed. Makes sense. (Namely, NBC's isn't live until 10pm ET).
Wow. Uum, if THIS guy was the "bishop" of my church? I wouldn't go. Wait, I don't go now ... so what the hell, speak away! I mean, this guy looks like a damned undertaker. (No offense, Donnie). This guy wouldn't know how to crack a smile if Jesus Christ of said Church of said Latter Day Saints grabbed both of his cheeks and pulled them apart.
"Pure religion is to visit the fatherless and the widows in their affliction". Wait, I thought it was to collect kiddie porn on a computer and molest the alter boys?
Or to, I don't know, like, oh, let's say, a former pastor that was my neighbor growing up, "abscond with the Church treasury and the Church secretary two weeks before retiring".
FYI -- we have NOT seen Reverend Al since coming back from commercial. (law and order voice) DUH DUH!
Matthews still looks steamed, for what it's worth.
WHEW! Reverend Al sighting. I was getting worried.
This current story on CSPAN has me tearing up. If ANYONE doubts Mitt Romney is one HELLUVA good man, cue up the Oparowski's speech when it's available. What a story.
The Pam Finlayson testimony for Mitt is even better. If you've ever had someone you love born premature and have to see them in the pre-mee incubator? Yeah. I'm in tears right now.
"When it comes to loving your neighbor, you can live it, or you can say it. The Romney's live it every single day". Awesome.
I swear to God, there wasn't a dry eye in the house when Kay finished. Nor should there be. I have rarely been prouder to back a candidate than I am right now.
Gotta admit, this is just about done. Up next is twenty minutes of Bain Capital background apparently. Not that I mind -- it's just gonna be snore-inducing.
Looks like we're 40 minutes away, give or take a couple, from what's gonna rank as the highlight of this convention to me, when (in my never humble opinion) THE greatest US Olympian of all time introduces the man who saved the 2002 Olympics:
("do you believe in miracles" hbo documentary voice) "It was then that Eruzione, whose name literally means "eruption" in Italian, chose to erupt."
(ken dryden voice) "Al, the US team is relying a little too much on goalie Jim Craig right now --"
(al michaels voice) "Eruzione! He shoots! He scores! Oh my Goodness! AND NOW YOU'VE GOT BEDLAM!!!!"
There are four plays guaranteed to make me cry every time I see them: Tamarick Vanover's punt return for a touchdown against San Diego; Cory Schlesinger's game winning touchdown in the 1994 Orange Bowl; Mario Chalmers' three pointer to tie the 2008 National Title Game ... and Mike Eruzione scoring with exactly ten minutes remaining to put the US ahead for good in the greatest sports upset in history. Christ, I'm tearing up just typing those words, "Eruzione scoring with exactly ten minutes remaining ..."
YES! A video hammering the "You didn't build that" comment!
"You Built That!" chant breaking out as the head of Staples takes the podium.
I wonder if anyone in liberal bastion Los Angeles realizes their gorgeous arena is named after a corporation owned by Bain Capital?
And this dude is HAMMERING Barry!
And with that, I'm out for tonight. My recap of Romney's speech coming (hopefully) tomorrow. Until then, good night, and please -- keep getting drunker ...
Thursday, August 30, 2012
why romney is gonna win ...
Did you watch last night?
No, really -- did you watch last night?
Just for an hour, just the prime time, 9pm CT window. That's all you needed to see.
Because if you could watch Condi Rice and Paul Ryan last night,
and STILL think Barack Obama is the better choice? That the President and his philosophies are
the cure for what ails our nation? Then
God help you, because you are absolutely clueless.
Those speeches last night were beyond inspirational. I'm going to focus on Mr. Ryan's comments,
since his remarks and thoughts are more important to this campaign than Ms.
Rice's. But still, if you missed her
speech, please -- go to MSNBC or CSPAN and watch it. And as you're watching, look intently at the
speaker. Don't just listen to her, watch
her -- specifically, watch what she ISN'T doing ... which is reading a
tele-prompter. Why, you ask, would Ms.
Rice decide "screw it, I don't need no stinking tele-prompter"?
Because she's speaking from the heart. That, and I'm telling you, I am SO DAMNED
FIRED UP for this election -- THIS is why.
This isn't the phony Greek columns and scripted Hollywood movie scene
the Democrats put on four years ago.
This is so damned awesome to watch unfold, because this is GENUINE. When Ms. Rice notes, hang on, let me pull up
the transcript so I get this right.
"After all, when the world looks to America, they look to us
because we are the most successful economic and political experiment in human
history. That is the true basis of American
exceptionalism. You see, the essence of
America, what really unites us, is not nationality, or ethnicity, or
religion. It is an idea. And what an idea it is! That you can come from humble circumstances
and you can do great things! That it
does not matter where you come from, it matters where you are going!"
(cue the wild crowd applause, as well as this hot-as-hell 35 year
old blogger cheering like the Chiefs finally won a playoff game).
Riddle me this, folks -- when was the last time you heard a
Democrat talk like that? When was the
last time you heard our current President PRAISE this country, EMBRACE this
country, express pride over where he came from?
(Answer: he never has.)
"And on a personal note, a little girl grows up in Jim Crow
Birmingham. The segregated city of the
South where her parents cannot take her to a movie theater or to restaurants,
but they have convinced her that even if she cannot have a hamburger at
Woolworth's, she can be the President of the United States if she wants to, and
she will become the Secretary of State."
I gotta admit, I actually teared up listening to that last
night. What you saw on display last
night, was PRIDE in this country. OUR
country. It is something you will NOT be
seeing next week in Charlotte.
And yet, it was more than pride.
Here's how Ms. Rice closed:
"That is why -- that is why this is a moment and an election
of consequence. Because it just has to
be that the freest, most compassionate country on the face of the earth will
continue to be the most powerful and the beacon for prosperity across the
world."
What you saw on full-fledged display last night, is one thing I
guaran-goddamn-tee you, you won't be seeing in Charlotte next week.
And that thing ... is HOPE.
Did you catch how positive, even when attacking the other side,
how positive the Republican message is?
They don't need tele-prompters because they're speaking what they
believe. What they believe in, is the
greatness of this country. In the good
of America. In the promise, the hope,
the freedom of this country. They don't
need to be told what to say. They
instinctively know it.
And nowhere was that on better display, than with Mr. Ryan.
I entered his speech with high hopes, with a sincere belief that
if he did well, it would turn this election on its head.
I left his speech convinced that barring the worst speech in
recorded human history tonight, that this election is over, and the Romney /
Ryan ticket is going to win on a landslide.
Seriously folks -- what in the hell can the Democrats do to
counter this? They cannot run on their
record, because they OWN the financial disaster this nation currently is. They're the ones who literally doubled the
national debt in four years. They're the
ones who haven't passed a budget in four years, have posted above a $1 trillion
deficit every year for the past four years.
They're the ones who spent nearly $2 trillion in bailouts and stimulus
funding with the promise that unemployment would never top 8% ... and go
figure, unemployment has been above 8% EVERY SINGLE MONTH Barack Obama has
occupied the White House. Even worse
than that abysmal failure, the numbers are getting WORSE -- jobless claims rose
by 180,000 first time claims last month to nearly 400,000. The short term unemployment rate rose to
8.3%, up from 8.2. And the U6 number,
the true unemployment number, rose from 14.9% to 15.3. 15.3!
Let that sink in -- 15.3 percent of the adults in this country who can
work, and want to work, can't work, because there's no job for them to
hold! In America!
48% of the country receives their substinence from the federal
government. 48%! Now granted, that is a very misleading
figure, because obviously some of that 48% are retirees on Social Security, and
a significant chunk of that figure is federal employees. But still, we have now reached the point to
where literally half of us are working to support the other half. That's unsustainable. THAT'S what Barack Obama is asking you to
accept four more years of.
Is he nuts?
And that was the whole point of Paul Ryan's effort last
night. This election is the most stark,
clear moment of my lifetime when it comes to this country. My favorite part of Mr. Ryan's speech came
fairly early on:
"So our opponents can consider themselves on notice. In this election, on this issue, the usual
posturing on the left isn't going to work.
Mitt Romney and I know the difference between protecting a program, and
raiding it. Ladies and gentlemen, our
nation needs this debate. We want this
debate.
"We will WIN this debate!
"Obamacare, as much as anything else, explains why a
Presidency that began with such anticipation, now comes to such a disappointing
close.
"It began with a fiscal crisis; it ends with a jobs crisis.
"It began with a housing crisis they didn't create; it ends
with a housing crisis they failed to correct.
"It began with a perfect Triple-A credit rating for the
United States; it ends with a downgraded America.
"It all started off with stirring speeches, Greek columns,
the thrill of something new. Now all
that's left is a Presidency adrift, surviving on slogans that already seem
tired, grasping at a moment that has already passed, like a ship trying to sail
on yesterday's wind."
Awesome.
I have a phrase, that gets hauled out at the moment in time when
the Chiefs, for however brief a time period, revive hope in our demoralized,
downbeaten, humbled fanbase. Three
simple words -- simple, succinct, to the point, and only one of them is profane.
After last night? After
that incredible hour of echoing the greatness this nation has been, and can be
again?
Election. F*cking. ON!
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
the rnc night one: live ... thoughts?
Hi there. I'll be posting my reaction to tonight's proceedings as they occur, as I always like to do for the Conventions, dating back to 2000's email chain debates.
I will probably stick with this through the 9pm ET hour, as I want to watch Mrs. Romney and Gov. Christie's speeches live, and I'll likely post a reaction / recap tomorrow on those speech. Figure on the same applying tomorrow for live thoughts / Ryan acceptance, and Thursday for live thoughts / Romney acceptance.
FYI, I am logged into Yahoo and Yahoo IM! as teamtito15 if you have thoughts to contribute, and for the record, I am primarily watching MSNBC on the TV, and CSPAN on the computer. After the embarrassment of FOX News talking through the national anthem earlier today, I will not be tuning into that unpatriotic, anti-American news network for even 2/1000ths of a second tonight. (To be fair: like I would have anyways.)
Free free time chime in if you're out there, and if not, well, at least you aren't getting a 22 page email chain like twelve years ago!!! Improvement!!!
Kudos to Andrea Mitchell for braving the convention floor. If Sean Hannity ever had the balls to show up at a DNC ... well, it's probably for the best he doesn't.
And we're already ten minutes behind schedule. This is going spectacularly well so far.
Sorry, had to fix a vodka and Gatorade to get through this. I'm swallowing hard and voting Romney because of economics, nothing more, nothing less. I continue to believe the social platform of the GOP is a disgrace to its fellow citizens, and an embarrassment to women.
Case in point: former Senator Santorum is on the speaking lineup tonight. Disgraceful, embarrassing, Santorum. Fine, not as catchy as "left, liberal, Granholm" or "I wanna be a Corzine Crony!" from back in the early 2000s, but it works.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, please give a very warm welcome to the Speaker of the Hou --" BOO! BOO!
I have no idea where Boehner is going with this bar analogy. Conservative Christians do not like people who hang out in bars. Hence the lack of any applause or interest of this from the floor.
Although to be fair, Boehner's struggling so much, I think he visited a bar or three this afternoon.
Wait, we're kicking a guy who held a beer summit out ... and letting a teetotaler in? I'm beyond confused, Mr. Speaker.
Somewhere, Barry just threw a beer bottle at his television if he just heard the line "President Romney". It's my favorite underlying storyline so far in this campaign -- Barry HATES Romney with a passion.
Well, Mr. Speaker, if a two pack a day smoker with a horrendous fake tan who slurs his speech in a major broadcast speech can rise to the third most powerful person in the country, then ANYONE can rise in this nation!
Chris Matthews looks genuinely pissed on MSNBC right now, FYI.
Wow, THIS is the RNC chair? God, he makes used car salesmen look dignified. No offense to any used car salesmen who stumble onto this.
No offense, sir -- but you're no Terry "The Punk" McAuliffe. He'd eat you for breakfast, and your wife for lunch. This is UTTERLY uninspiring.
And this guy is LIT like a Christmas tree. He has yet to get through a paragraph without sounding like your buddy slumped on your shoulder, ready to sleep off a bender. And he's sweating profusely. Just saying.
What a dolt -- Mr. Priebus just admitted he and his party left things in bad shape. Somewhere, every past competent RNC chairperson is shaking their head in disgust.
I love the theme, but good grief, GOP, THIS is the most effective salesperson you've got to sell success as a good thing?
Whew, he's done. Next up, your 2008 winner of "America's Got Talent", Neil Boyd! (who?)
Well, in the words of my brother, "I'm proof that looks ain't everything!" Wow, this dude is HUGE! I mean, who let Ralphie May on the stage (rimshot!)
If Bill Cosby is up next, this will be THE greatest unintentional comedy moment of my lifetime.
Nope, but it's close -- drunken delegate dancing to crappy houseband music!!! Currently playing is "I Want You To Want Me". I'm telling you, drunken delegate dancing would draw AT LEAST a 5.0 / 7 share on an average Wednesday night on Bravo. I gotta remember to do this tomorrow on my work laptop, so I can use the Snag-It function to grab these dancin' fools. As someone who knows every manuever to "Bye Bye Bye", I love it.
Some young black chick named Mia up next ... and she's running for Congress? Whoa! AND SHE'S FROM UTAH! A black person lives in Utah! Christ, what's next, a gay person in Kansas?
AND it's an inter-racial marriage! Hey, you can't POSSIBLY be a Republican chica -- inter-racial marriage was against the law 50 years ago, and we ALL KNOW that the "traditional definition of marriage" is not allowed to evolve in any way, shape, or form.
Sorry, I have to do it. (joe biden voice) Here you have a clean, articulate, bright young black person ... and yes, Mr. Biden actually said those words about Mr. Obama in the 2008 campaign.
Her name is Mia Young. I'd consider voting for her. Wait -- she's ROCKING the pearl necklace. Hell yes I'd vote for her.
Why didn't they open with this chica? She is ON FIRE!
"Mr. President, I'm here to tell you we the people are awake, and we aren't buying what you're selling in 2012!" Amen sister. Amen.
"This is OUR story! This is OUR America! This is the America that we know? Because WE BUILT IT!" OH HELL YES!!! Hang on, first standing applause of the night ...
Poor Ezra Klein looks like he's seen a ghost on MSNBC. You think it's starting to sink in the public ain't buying the shit they're peddling anymore?
"God Bless America! This is OUR TIME! We are truly the last best hope on Earth! Thank you!" Tremendous speech.
Janine Turner -- yes, THAT Janine Turner -- up next. And wow, she is drop dead gorgeous tonight.
Wow, she's ... she's a little off tonight. And by "off", I mean "drunk".
"America is exceptional!" Well, duh. That's obvious to anyone not named Barry Soetero (D-Indonesia).
So wait -- did the Democrats build our massive debt ... or did Reagan and Bush II? (Answer: both. See, we DID build this together!)
"Democrats depend on dependents". I liked that line.
Somewhere, you know Joe Biden is wondering where the hell he currently is.
"Principle one: God gives us our rights, not government." (stevo sighing ...) Lady, do you not have a clue what the Enlightenment is? Please, do yourself a favor and go read up on it.
At least she was pleasant to look at.
"Performing "I Build It", please welcome Lane Turner!!!" WHO?!?!
"I built it, with my own two working hands / I built it, with no help from Uncle Sam". Awesome. The Romney ad should just run this chorus as a campaign ad.
Hang on, I'm checking to see if this is available on iTunes. If it is, it's IMMEDIATELY added to Mixology 2012.
Some candidate for Lieutenant Governor of Delaware is up, Sher Valenzuela (sp?) Uninspiring so far.
Damn, NOT available on iTunes yet. Although iTunes search engine was at a crawl.
Sorry -- still here. This has been a good speech, just not particularly quote-worthy.
FYI -- for Thursday, it's not the "to be announced" speaker I'm fired up for, it's Mike Freaking Eruzione introducing Governor Romney. Any person who know was "USA 4, ussr 3" means, THIS is gonna be REALLY special.
Well, that's over.
OH SWEET JESUS! OAK! RIDGE! BOYS!!!! I swear to Christ, if they play "Thank God for Kids", that's it, my life is over, it's beyond complete.
"Amazing Grace". Good enough. And yeah, I'll join in. Back in (chuck woolery voice) "two and two".
Kudos to CNN for carrying this live. MSNBC is in commentary. I refuse to tune to FOX on principle.
And ... awesome. Even Wolf Blitzer is having an on-air orgasm over that. (Back to MSNBC).
Cathy McMorris-Rodgers, eastern Washington's Congresswoman. I have no idea why she's up there either. OH WAIT, now I do.
"Each speaker is here to send three simple words to President Obama -- WE! BUILT! IT!" Damn skippy we did. Take that, you commie bastard. (what?)
Hey -- you can question the commie part of that, but the bottom line is, he was born out of wedlock, and he's a male. (pause). Bastard.
Just did a quick check -- only two Gatorades left in the fridge. Crap, knew I should have taken the early bus home. Oh well, in any event, this wasn't going past Santorum anyways, because I'll need 15 minutes to binge, purge, shower, and purge again after his speech.
Senator Kelly Ayotte (NH)!!! Well, she's certainly not bad. (Drop it this soon ... yeah, why not). I wouldn't kick her out of bed for eating crackers. Especially if my name was crackers (rimshot!)
Hey, look at those fake column thingies behind her! Can't IMAGINE where she'd get that idea from (rimshot!)
Based on this speech so far, Romney did well to pass on her as the Veep. Sarah Palin already had me in permanent applause mode five minutes into her speech four years ago. And I am anything but a fan of the former Governor.
"Isn't it time we had a leader who believes creating jobs out to be celebrated, not penalized?" Yeah, we had one ... twelve years ago. And he was a Democrat for Christ's sake.
WHOA -- Rep. Peter King (NY) just on MSNBC with Chuck Todd, and man, that guy looks like David Glass. And I'm not referring to Todd.
Come on chica -- that's a VERY unfair charge. I guaran-damn-tee you Mr. Soetero ran a drug ring back in the day. If I ran a gambling pool, I guaran-damn-tee you Barry was a low-level dealer. So he HAS run a business. (Albeit, like me, an illegal one.)
Jack Gilchrist up next. A New Hampshire small business owner.
"Lead, follow, or get out of the way". Awesome. "Everyone who runs a business understands this -- other than our federal government ... small business needs a leader who understands the entire spectrum of business and industry ... a leader who will not avoid dealing with difficult issues". Amen, sir. Amen. Too bad that man left office 24 years ago.
Gov. Kasich (OH) up next. In the interest of full disclosure: I have ALWAYS liked this guy.
Even Chris Matthews just laughed out loud at that intro.
"Setting people free" -- I wish the RNC would hammer home on a stat heard earlier today on 980 -- there are more African American males currently incarcerated or monitored by the correctional system for drug charges? That were in slavery in 1860. There's something really, really wrong with that.
"We killed the death tax"! Amen. "No person should have to visit the undertaker and the tax man on the same day!" Amen. "And we need to do it in Washington as well!" A-f*cking-men.
OK, THAT I have a problem with -- why are you piling up surplus while crippling the social safety net? Come on Governor, you're better than that.
Sorry, had to take a phone call. Missed Kasich's last four, five minutes. (That's what replay at work is for.) Oklahoma's governor is up now.
I'm thinking I'll make it through Scott Walker in fifteen minutes, then skip Santorum (to keep me from being committed to a sanitarium (rimshot)!), then recap separately tomorrow Mrs. Romney and Gov. Christie.
I'm not sure what "old school" common name I miss more: Harold, or Ralph. I still lean Ralph ... but Harold's pretty cool.
Reverend Al just went off on "cheap politics to gain an edge". Uum, do I shout it? (pause) TAWANA BRAWLEY!!!
Was it REALLY just eight years ago Tom Brokaw, Tim Russert, Brian Williams, and (yes, swear to God, this is true) Rush Limbaugh co-hosted NBC's coverage of Election Night 2004? NBC News now? Rachel Maddow, Ed Schultz, Lawrence O'Donnell, Reverend Al, some geeky dude in glasses that isn't Ezra Klein, and Ezra Klein (who, I actually like). How do you sink so low, so fast?
The GOOD thing about hammering home the "we built this!" theme? Is that Barry now HAS to waste a night "answering" the charge.
Gov. McDonnell (VA) up next. "We'll actually have a vice president who knows what state he's in". ZZZZZZZZZING!
I ask this with all seriousness -- why do Republicans tout immigration at all? Apparently as long as you aren't olive skinned, you're welcome to come over here.
"Too many of us are looking for work, because this President's policies haven't worked". Good line.
"The EPA is the Employment Prevention Agency". Another good line. Although nobody on the floor is paying attention. (pause) OH GREAT, so THIS is the throw-away Big Show / Test / Kane "hit the pisser, it's cool, we built this 10 minutes into the program" portion of the evening.
Ask Kansans if their budget shortfalls were met "without raising taxes", sir. (cough) LIAR! (cough)
God bless it sir, it's not your "fiscal policies" I take issue with. I wish to God you and your ilk felt the same about the social agenda (aka "keep the f*ck out of my life!") as you do with the "fiscal agenda". Sir.
Overall, not a bad speech. I thought Governor McDonnell had a little Bill Clinton in him.
And next up ... is Bev Gray, a business owner from Virginia. MSNBC WISELY switches to an interview with Rachel Maddow and some black chica contributor.
OK, fine, I get the point of the night, and I COMPLETELY agree with it -- but for Christ's sake, this is the REPUBLICAN National Convention, not the Democrat. Why the soup line / unemployment / sad sack stories that run on for fifteen minutes too long ... and that was thirty minutes before they began?
At the risk of taking too many personal liberties here, Mrs. Gray does NOT look like a woman who went "nine months without a paycheck".
Kimmie Candy -- BUY IT. Because their owner BUILT IT. Damn skippy!
Governor Walker up next! In a sane world, he's the nominee. Then again, in a sane world, Hillary's running for re-election, coming off twenty unchecked years of Democrat rule.
I give MSNBC 2 seconds to dump out of this live speech.
About 500 feet from Gov. Walker, Ed Schultz is ranting like a crazy dude. In his defense? He should be.
"Elections have consequences." Yup. Yup, they do Governor.
"People, not governments, create jobs". Yes, yes they do sir.
Sadly, Governor Walker, the generation thinking more of their children than themselves ... ended with my folks generation. Thankfully for this country, people my age will make the sacrifices our parents are too selfish to make, and save this country. You greedy folks that are the "Lamest Generation", the "Baby Boomers", who have BANKRUPTED this nation through your reckless greed and spending?
You're welcome.
I plan to post my react's to Mrs. Romney and Gov. Christie's speeches before tomorrow night, and will pick up again sometime around 6pm CT tomorrow, which I think is the biggest night of the convention. Rep. Ryan HAS to make the case for WHY we need entitlement reform. People my age, get it. People my grandparents age, get it.
Unfortunately, people in the 40-65 demographic, are too self-centered and clueless to "get it". And go figure, they represent damned near every Obama voter we have to overcome in 70 days from today ...
I will probably stick with this through the 9pm ET hour, as I want to watch Mrs. Romney and Gov. Christie's speeches live, and I'll likely post a reaction / recap tomorrow on those speech. Figure on the same applying tomorrow for live thoughts / Ryan acceptance, and Thursday for live thoughts / Romney acceptance.
FYI, I am logged into Yahoo and Yahoo IM! as teamtito15 if you have thoughts to contribute, and for the record, I am primarily watching MSNBC on the TV, and CSPAN on the computer. After the embarrassment of FOX News talking through the national anthem earlier today, I will not be tuning into that unpatriotic, anti-American news network for even 2/1000ths of a second tonight. (To be fair: like I would have anyways.)
Free free time chime in if you're out there, and if not, well, at least you aren't getting a 22 page email chain like twelve years ago!!! Improvement!!!
Kudos to Andrea Mitchell for braving the convention floor. If Sean Hannity ever had the balls to show up at a DNC ... well, it's probably for the best he doesn't.
And we're already ten minutes behind schedule. This is going spectacularly well so far.
Sorry, had to fix a vodka and Gatorade to get through this. I'm swallowing hard and voting Romney because of economics, nothing more, nothing less. I continue to believe the social platform of the GOP is a disgrace to its fellow citizens, and an embarrassment to women.
Case in point: former Senator Santorum is on the speaking lineup tonight. Disgraceful, embarrassing, Santorum. Fine, not as catchy as "left, liberal, Granholm" or "I wanna be a Corzine Crony!" from back in the early 2000s, but it works.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, please give a very warm welcome to the Speaker of the Hou --" BOO! BOO!
I have no idea where Boehner is going with this bar analogy. Conservative Christians do not like people who hang out in bars. Hence the lack of any applause or interest of this from the floor.
Although to be fair, Boehner's struggling so much, I think he visited a bar or three this afternoon.
Wait, we're kicking a guy who held a beer summit out ... and letting a teetotaler in? I'm beyond confused, Mr. Speaker.
Somewhere, Barry just threw a beer bottle at his television if he just heard the line "President Romney". It's my favorite underlying storyline so far in this campaign -- Barry HATES Romney with a passion.
Well, Mr. Speaker, if a two pack a day smoker with a horrendous fake tan who slurs his speech in a major broadcast speech can rise to the third most powerful person in the country, then ANYONE can rise in this nation!
Chris Matthews looks genuinely pissed on MSNBC right now, FYI.
Wow, THIS is the RNC chair? God, he makes used car salesmen look dignified. No offense to any used car salesmen who stumble onto this.
No offense, sir -- but you're no Terry "The Punk" McAuliffe. He'd eat you for breakfast, and your wife for lunch. This is UTTERLY uninspiring.
And this guy is LIT like a Christmas tree. He has yet to get through a paragraph without sounding like your buddy slumped on your shoulder, ready to sleep off a bender. And he's sweating profusely. Just saying.
What a dolt -- Mr. Priebus just admitted he and his party left things in bad shape. Somewhere, every past competent RNC chairperson is shaking their head in disgust.
I love the theme, but good grief, GOP, THIS is the most effective salesperson you've got to sell success as a good thing?
Whew, he's done. Next up, your 2008 winner of "America's Got Talent", Neil Boyd! (who?)
Well, in the words of my brother, "I'm proof that looks ain't everything!" Wow, this dude is HUGE! I mean, who let Ralphie May on the stage (rimshot!)
If Bill Cosby is up next, this will be THE greatest unintentional comedy moment of my lifetime.
Nope, but it's close -- drunken delegate dancing to crappy houseband music!!! Currently playing is "I Want You To Want Me". I'm telling you, drunken delegate dancing would draw AT LEAST a 5.0 / 7 share on an average Wednesday night on Bravo. I gotta remember to do this tomorrow on my work laptop, so I can use the Snag-It function to grab these dancin' fools. As someone who knows every manuever to "Bye Bye Bye", I love it.
Some young black chick named Mia up next ... and she's running for Congress? Whoa! AND SHE'S FROM UTAH! A black person lives in Utah! Christ, what's next, a gay person in Kansas?
AND it's an inter-racial marriage! Hey, you can't POSSIBLY be a Republican chica -- inter-racial marriage was against the law 50 years ago, and we ALL KNOW that the "traditional definition of marriage" is not allowed to evolve in any way, shape, or form.
Sorry, I have to do it. (joe biden voice) Here you have a clean, articulate, bright young black person ... and yes, Mr. Biden actually said those words about Mr. Obama in the 2008 campaign.
Her name is Mia Young. I'd consider voting for her. Wait -- she's ROCKING the pearl necklace. Hell yes I'd vote for her.
Why didn't they open with this chica? She is ON FIRE!
"Mr. President, I'm here to tell you we the people are awake, and we aren't buying what you're selling in 2012!" Amen sister. Amen.
"This is OUR story! This is OUR America! This is the America that we know? Because WE BUILT IT!" OH HELL YES!!! Hang on, first standing applause of the night ...
Poor Ezra Klein looks like he's seen a ghost on MSNBC. You think it's starting to sink in the public ain't buying the shit they're peddling anymore?
"God Bless America! This is OUR TIME! We are truly the last best hope on Earth! Thank you!" Tremendous speech.
Janine Turner -- yes, THAT Janine Turner -- up next. And wow, she is drop dead gorgeous tonight.
Wow, she's ... she's a little off tonight. And by "off", I mean "drunk".
"America is exceptional!" Well, duh. That's obvious to anyone not named Barry Soetero (D-Indonesia).
So wait -- did the Democrats build our massive debt ... or did Reagan and Bush II? (Answer: both. See, we DID build this together!)
"Democrats depend on dependents". I liked that line.
Somewhere, you know Joe Biden is wondering where the hell he currently is.
"Principle one: God gives us our rights, not government." (stevo sighing ...) Lady, do you not have a clue what the Enlightenment is? Please, do yourself a favor and go read up on it.
At least she was pleasant to look at.
"Performing "I Build It", please welcome Lane Turner!!!" WHO?!?!
"I built it, with my own two working hands / I built it, with no help from Uncle Sam". Awesome. The Romney ad should just run this chorus as a campaign ad.
Hang on, I'm checking to see if this is available on iTunes. If it is, it's IMMEDIATELY added to Mixology 2012.
Some candidate for Lieutenant Governor of Delaware is up, Sher Valenzuela (sp?) Uninspiring so far.
Damn, NOT available on iTunes yet. Although iTunes search engine was at a crawl.
Sorry -- still here. This has been a good speech, just not particularly quote-worthy.
FYI -- for Thursday, it's not the "to be announced" speaker I'm fired up for, it's Mike Freaking Eruzione introducing Governor Romney. Any person who know was "USA 4, ussr 3" means, THIS is gonna be REALLY special.
Well, that's over.
OH SWEET JESUS! OAK! RIDGE! BOYS!!!! I swear to Christ, if they play "Thank God for Kids", that's it, my life is over, it's beyond complete.
"Amazing Grace". Good enough. And yeah, I'll join in. Back in (chuck woolery voice) "two and two".
Kudos to CNN for carrying this live. MSNBC is in commentary. I refuse to tune to FOX on principle.
And ... awesome. Even Wolf Blitzer is having an on-air orgasm over that. (Back to MSNBC).
Cathy McMorris-Rodgers, eastern Washington's Congresswoman. I have no idea why she's up there either. OH WAIT, now I do.
"Each speaker is here to send three simple words to President Obama -- WE! BUILT! IT!" Damn skippy we did. Take that, you commie bastard. (what?)
Hey -- you can question the commie part of that, but the bottom line is, he was born out of wedlock, and he's a male. (pause). Bastard.
Just did a quick check -- only two Gatorades left in the fridge. Crap, knew I should have taken the early bus home. Oh well, in any event, this wasn't going past Santorum anyways, because I'll need 15 minutes to binge, purge, shower, and purge again after his speech.
Senator Kelly Ayotte (NH)!!! Well, she's certainly not bad. (Drop it this soon ... yeah, why not). I wouldn't kick her out of bed for eating crackers. Especially if my name was crackers (rimshot!)
Hey, look at those fake column thingies behind her! Can't IMAGINE where she'd get that idea from (rimshot!)
Based on this speech so far, Romney did well to pass on her as the Veep. Sarah Palin already had me in permanent applause mode five minutes into her speech four years ago. And I am anything but a fan of the former Governor.
"Isn't it time we had a leader who believes creating jobs out to be celebrated, not penalized?" Yeah, we had one ... twelve years ago. And he was a Democrat for Christ's sake.
WHOA -- Rep. Peter King (NY) just on MSNBC with Chuck Todd, and man, that guy looks like David Glass. And I'm not referring to Todd.
Come on chica -- that's a VERY unfair charge. I guaran-damn-tee you Mr. Soetero ran a drug ring back in the day. If I ran a gambling pool, I guaran-damn-tee you Barry was a low-level dealer. So he HAS run a business. (Albeit, like me, an illegal one.)
Jack Gilchrist up next. A New Hampshire small business owner.
"Lead, follow, or get out of the way". Awesome. "Everyone who runs a business understands this -- other than our federal government ... small business needs a leader who understands the entire spectrum of business and industry ... a leader who will not avoid dealing with difficult issues". Amen, sir. Amen. Too bad that man left office 24 years ago.
Gov. Kasich (OH) up next. In the interest of full disclosure: I have ALWAYS liked this guy.
Even Chris Matthews just laughed out loud at that intro.
"Setting people free" -- I wish the RNC would hammer home on a stat heard earlier today on 980 -- there are more African American males currently incarcerated or monitored by the correctional system for drug charges? That were in slavery in 1860. There's something really, really wrong with that.
"We killed the death tax"! Amen. "No person should have to visit the undertaker and the tax man on the same day!" Amen. "And we need to do it in Washington as well!" A-f*cking-men.
OK, THAT I have a problem with -- why are you piling up surplus while crippling the social safety net? Come on Governor, you're better than that.
Sorry, had to take a phone call. Missed Kasich's last four, five minutes. (That's what replay at work is for.) Oklahoma's governor is up now.
I'm thinking I'll make it through Scott Walker in fifteen minutes, then skip Santorum (to keep me from being committed to a sanitarium (rimshot)!), then recap separately tomorrow Mrs. Romney and Gov. Christie.
I'm not sure what "old school" common name I miss more: Harold, or Ralph. I still lean Ralph ... but Harold's pretty cool.
Reverend Al just went off on "cheap politics to gain an edge". Uum, do I shout it? (pause) TAWANA BRAWLEY!!!
Was it REALLY just eight years ago Tom Brokaw, Tim Russert, Brian Williams, and (yes, swear to God, this is true) Rush Limbaugh co-hosted NBC's coverage of Election Night 2004? NBC News now? Rachel Maddow, Ed Schultz, Lawrence O'Donnell, Reverend Al, some geeky dude in glasses that isn't Ezra Klein, and Ezra Klein (who, I actually like). How do you sink so low, so fast?
The GOOD thing about hammering home the "we built this!" theme? Is that Barry now HAS to waste a night "answering" the charge.
Gov. McDonnell (VA) up next. "We'll actually have a vice president who knows what state he's in". ZZZZZZZZZING!
I ask this with all seriousness -- why do Republicans tout immigration at all? Apparently as long as you aren't olive skinned, you're welcome to come over here.
"Too many of us are looking for work, because this President's policies haven't worked". Good line.
"The EPA is the Employment Prevention Agency". Another good line. Although nobody on the floor is paying attention. (pause) OH GREAT, so THIS is the throw-away Big Show / Test / Kane "hit the pisser, it's cool, we built this 10 minutes into the program" portion of the evening.
Ask Kansans if their budget shortfalls were met "without raising taxes", sir. (cough) LIAR! (cough)
God bless it sir, it's not your "fiscal policies" I take issue with. I wish to God you and your ilk felt the same about the social agenda (aka "keep the f*ck out of my life!") as you do with the "fiscal agenda". Sir.
Overall, not a bad speech. I thought Governor McDonnell had a little Bill Clinton in him.
And next up ... is Bev Gray, a business owner from Virginia. MSNBC WISELY switches to an interview with Rachel Maddow and some black chica contributor.
OK, fine, I get the point of the night, and I COMPLETELY agree with it -- but for Christ's sake, this is the REPUBLICAN National Convention, not the Democrat. Why the soup line / unemployment / sad sack stories that run on for fifteen minutes too long ... and that was thirty minutes before they began?
At the risk of taking too many personal liberties here, Mrs. Gray does NOT look like a woman who went "nine months without a paycheck".
Kimmie Candy -- BUY IT. Because their owner BUILT IT. Damn skippy!
Governor Walker up next! In a sane world, he's the nominee. Then again, in a sane world, Hillary's running for re-election, coming off twenty unchecked years of Democrat rule.
I give MSNBC 2 seconds to dump out of this live speech.
About 500 feet from Gov. Walker, Ed Schultz is ranting like a crazy dude. In his defense? He should be.
"Elections have consequences." Yup. Yup, they do Governor.
"People, not governments, create jobs". Yes, yes they do sir.
Sadly, Governor Walker, the generation thinking more of their children than themselves ... ended with my folks generation. Thankfully for this country, people my age will make the sacrifices our parents are too selfish to make, and save this country. You greedy folks that are the "Lamest Generation", the "Baby Boomers", who have BANKRUPTED this nation through your reckless greed and spending?
You're welcome.
I plan to post my react's to Mrs. Romney and Gov. Christie's speeches before tomorrow night, and will pick up again sometime around 6pm CT tomorrow, which I think is the biggest night of the convention. Rep. Ryan HAS to make the case for WHY we need entitlement reform. People my age, get it. People my grandparents age, get it.
Unfortunately, people in the 40-65 demographic, are too self-centered and clueless to "get it". And go figure, they represent damned near every Obama voter we have to overcome in 70 days from today ...
Saturday, August 25, 2012
chiefs! seahawks! overreact media, over-re-blanking-act!!!
“I found out a long time ago,
That it’s a long way down the holiday road.
Holiday Roooo-ooooo-ooooo-ooooo-oooad!
Holiday Roooo-ooooo-ooooo-ooooo-oooad!”
-- “Holiday Road” by Lindsey Buckingham.
----------------------------
Why, you ask, did I choose a throw-away movie theme song as
the intro to today’s post?
Because like the “National Lampoon” movies, being that they
are a throw-away farce that, when you’re done watching them, meaning absolutely
NOTHING to the grand scheme of things?
THAT’S what last night’s game was. It was NOTHING. I mean, to read Sam Mellinger or Kent Babb
this morning, you’d think the damned ship had hit the iceberg, and the water was spilling over the E deck, past the bulkheads, and from this point, no matter what happens, the ship will founder.
What part of “PRESEASON” is it that people fail to
grasp? It’s MEANINGLESS. It’s POINTLESS, other than to determine the
last 5-6 slots on your roster. NOTHING
that happened last night matters one damned bit in the grand scheme of things
for the Chiefs. (For the Seahawks? Uum, yeah, I think y’all have found your
starting quarterback. And what a
surprise – he’s a guy the Chiefs passed on one pick before he was taken, for
yet another in an endless string of “day two offensive linemen we draft who’ll
never amount to a hill of beans in this league”, a string that’s been playing
on Draft Day for 25 f*cking years and counting.
Really, Chiefs front office, you all are the best – why take a chance on
greatness at the 74th pick in the draft, when you can pick a sh*tty
at best backup offensive tackle. I
swear, an untrained chimpanzee could make better day two decisions than the
Chiefs front office.)
Here’s how meaningful last night was: “The Crush” and I
literally spent a solid three minutes of the second quarter arguing over how
long a guy should stay down there when he’s, uum, down there with a girl. (Yes, this conversation actually occurred …
although it wasn’t so much an argument, as an agreement that “you stay until
she lets you up”. Also, I got an answer
to a LONG held question about something “The Champ” noted four years ago on a lake weekend … and wow man, I gotta admit -- I
KNEW I called you “The Champ” for a reason!)
Last night’s result was utterly pointless. No sane person is going to remember it twelve
months from now. (Well, that’s not
entirely fair – I’ll probably remember we lost, if only to note that “there’s
$78 I’ll never get back”. But in sanity’s
defense – I’m not sane.)
In the words of The All American Rejects off Mixology 2012: “move
along!” There’s nothing to see here …
and really, not much to recap.
Tailgating for the better part of three hours in an overcast, at times
raining, weather condition? Go figure,
not a whole lot of people showed up. The
“Core Four” rode out yesterday (that would be me, Russ, Mona, and Susan). “The Voice of Reason”, “bts”, and some dude
who I gave my extra ticket to arrived about an hour before kickoff and had a
beer or two. Roger and his crew were
down from us, Sal* and his crew were up from us, and Castro and his crew were
across from us. Lather, rinse, repeat.
(*: I swear to Christ, Sal is the SPITTING IMAGE of Rahm
Emanuel. Right down to the “fake tan
with grayish/white hair” look. He is the
SPITTING IMAGE of “The Godfather”. I
think it’s kinda neat, as (possibly) the only person on earth who wouldn’t mind
Rahm Emanuel as the leader of the free world.)
“The Crush” made it down for the first half, and I will
probably never type this next phrase again in my life, but I’m glad she left
when she did. Because not even 90
seconds after she made her exit, “The Champ” and his far better half wandered over to
spend halftime in some pleasant conversation.
Look it, I’m mad as hell at “The Champ” right now – he knows why, he
knows he f*cked up (at least I assume he does, and if he doesn’t, he’s more
clueless than even I am on an average day), and we’ll deal with this like we
deal with every “Champ” / “tito” throwdown – we’ll ignore it like nothing
happened, refuse to apologize to each other, and move on. That, or install new locks on the door to keep the other out. Either way, it's all good: lather, rinse, repeat. But still, I meant what I texted you two last
night: whatever I may think at this point, it's not worth tossing away what we have because of my inability to deal with what occurred. Or something like that.
Also, the dude I gave my 2nd ticket to tried to
shout something at me as I was headed up the aisle to get a Pale Ale* and hit
the whizzer, but I would be lying if I said WHAT he shouted. He was (ok fine, “appeared to be”) in worse
shape than me, and again, as soon as I walked in the door last night, my head
hit the pillow and I was down for the count.
(Preseason Football: Where Being Too Damned Drunk To Care Happens!!! Also, big shoutout to Susan for the ride
home. I was in NO CONDITION to be driving last night. (cue the Dusty / Gregg / random stranger voice:
“last night?!?!?!?!”)
(*: if I remember anything about last night twelve months from now, it is this. To the lady who “took” my order at the vending station
in 133 / 134: a Pale Ale is NOT the bottle with a yellow top, with a label on
the front / side / back that says “WHEAT”, and is NOT a yellowish substance
that looks like pee accumulating in a urinal as you pour it into a glass. It IS the black bottle top, with a black
label, whose contents appear dark as you pour it into a glass, and whose container says “PALE ALE” on the
printed lettering that adorns the bottle.
If you EVER again … and I’m guessing I will be seeing you at least eight
more times this year … if you EVER again ATTEMPT to pass off a Wheat as a Pale
Ale? I will get violent. I’m in the very small minority, but I HATE
Boulevard Wheat. I LOVE Boulevard Pale
Ale, and WORSHIP at the alter of Bully Porter (which sadly, Arrowhead doesn’t
carry). If you attempt to sell me a
Wheat as a Pale Ale again? I’ll get
visibly upset. But – but! – if you EVER
again attempt to charge me for BOTH a Wheat and a Pale Ale, because you’re too
damned stupid to differentiate the bottles, as you did last night, when you
mistakenly poured the wrong one initially?
You ever try that again? Three
words for you, beer vendor lady: “Nicole.
Brown. Simpson.” Hell, I’ll toss in two more for free: “Ron. Goldman.”
Might wanna Google! search those words, because THAT’S what awaits you
if you EVER again attempt to charge me $16.50 for a Pale Ale. I may be stupid, I might be high, and God
knows I’m usually drunk, but even I am smart enough to see a scam as it
unfolds, when it comes to booze. In the
words of Dan Dierdorf, “nice try”. And
in the words of Nate Dogg, “Regulators!
Mount up!”)
This is what to take from last night’s game. And hang on, I’m gonna need to block a couple
paragraphs to state exactly what to take from last night’s game:
What to take from last night’s game? Is what was stated in the blank copy above.
Hey look it, I had a blast yesterday. Anytime you can spend an afternoon drinking
yourself into stupidity, spend a solid 45 minutes talking with “The Crush” about
various fun activities that excite you, and can have a football game going on
in front of you? You HAVE to do it. Especially that second part – I’m telling
you, it’s not only the weirdest, most “what the f*ck is going on here?”
conversation I’ve ever had in my life?
It SO totally let me know I might, in 2/1000ths of a way, have a chance
with “The Crush”.
But anytime you can pay full price to watch a game that no
sane person will remember a few months from now, anytime you can bail on a
potential weekend at the lake and/or a float trip, anytime you can say “no
thanks” to a getaway to Vegas, anytime you can say “nah, I’ll catch it next
year” to a trip to Bristol for tonight’s Cup race (ONLY my FAVORITE NASCAR race
of the year), anytime you can pass on working, to instead of doing all those
things, you get the chance to watch a preseason game?
You HAVE to pass on it.
Which is why I have, for five years and counting, until this
season. And why, barring something
ENTIRELY unforeseen, I envision at least one float trip, and one concert
weekend, in my social calendar for August 2013.
And wouldn’t you know it – those two events just HAPPEN to fall on a weekend
when the Chiefs host a preseason game …
Friday, August 24, 2012
2012's most anticipated post part v: the nfc postseason
* The NFC Final Field:
1. 12-4 Chicago Bears (best overall record)
2. 10-6 Seattle Seahawks (win tiebreaker with Cowboys via head-to-head, with Bucs via record vs common opponents)
3. 10-6 Dallas Cowboys (win tiebreaker with Bucs via head-to-head)
4. 10-6 Tampa Bay Bucs (best remaining division champion's record)
5. 11-5 Green Bay Packers (best non-division winning record)
6. 10-6 Philadelphia Eagles (win tiebreaker vs Panthers via head-to-head)
----------------------
7. 10-6 Carolina Panthers (win tiebreaker vs Saints via strength of victory)
8. 10-6 New Orleans Saints (best remaining record)
9. 9-7 New York Giants (best remaining record)
10. 8-8 San Francisco 49ers (win tiebreaker vs Redskins via ... honestly, who cares)
11. 8-8 Washington Redskins (best remaining record)
12. 7-9 Detroit Lions (best remaining record
13. 6-10 Minnesota Vikings (best remaining record)
14. 5-11 Atlanta Falcons (win tiebreaker vs Cardinals via head-to-head)
15. 5-11 Arizona "Super" Cardinals (best remaining record)
16. 2-14 St. Louis Rams (giving Cleveland one helluva run for "worst franchise of the year" ...)
* The Wildcard Round:
Mixology 2012 Song to Describe Said Round: "Party In the USA" by Miley Cyrus. Cue Stevo imitating the worst dance moves in recorded human history, to celebrate the arrival of the playoffs ...
(6) Eagles 34, at (3) Cowboys 31. I guarantee you NBC is salivating over putting this into the pimp Saturday night time slot. As well they should be. This game would be epically awesome.
at (4) Bucs 27, (5) Packers 24. I debated for fifteen minutes over who would win this matchup. If it was at Lambeau, there'd be no doubt who would win, and it ain't the Bucs. (Cue Ol' Pete King b*tching about the team with a better record having to play a road game. Seriously, let. it. go. Ol' Pete. Let. It. Go. The Bucs actually WON something -- their division. The Pack merely won the title of "best runner up". They don't deserve to host a thing.
* The Divisional Round:
Mixology 2012 Song to Describe Said Round: "Start a Fire" by Ryan Star. Also, cue me watching nothing but football for two straight days, up to and including "NFL Edge Matchup" that ESPN has sadly -- tragically -- dumped to like 4:30am on ESPNU. Really, ESPN -- the Matchup show, with Jaws and Merril Hoge breaking down the biggest game of the day? Is THE single best show you have on your entire family of networks. "The Voice of Reason" and I used to wake up at 5:55am for a noon kickoff to simply spend 30 minutes watch two fellow football geeks break down game film to see which team was better coached, better prepared, for the day's biggest matchup. (Note: we also may have watched for gambling purposes. Your call as to which factor weighed more heavily. And I'd bet on "gambling" if I was you, the random reader.) Put "NFL Edge Matchup" back in a more sleep-in friendly time slot guys. I don't ask much. I'm begging you for this.
(6) Eagles 20, at (1) Bears 10. Whoa, the Bears crap out at home in the divisional round. Stunning! What's next, your going to tell me the Colts beat the Chiefs every damned time they play in January? Oh. Uum, let's move on.
(4) Bucs 13, at (2) Seahawks 10. I know -- this has to be, five months out, THE most unlikely divisional round matchup imaginable, involving divisional champions to boot. But look at the rosters, and it's not as far-fetched or ridiculous of a possibility as it seems. Also, this matchup would be damned FUN to watch. Two tremendous college coaches trying to take the next step at the pro level. Two tremendous young quarterbacks (Jawsh Freeman and Russell Wilson) trying to make the leap to "franchise guy" level. Two tremendous defenses throwing down, ideally in a light falling mist on a 55 degree day in the Pacific Northwest. (Pause.) OK, fine, maybe I'm the only one excited by this matchup, but color this kid excited by how this worked out.
* The Conference Championship:
Mixology 2012 Song that Describes Said Round: "Shout" by the Isley Brothers. No explanation needed.
(4) Bucs 24, (6) Eagles 13. I don't believe in a lot in life. I believe in my amazing ability to shove my foot into my mouth at the most inopportune of moments. I believe in Kennedy family sex scandals, topped only by the inevitable alleged family man far-right-wing pastor sex scandal(s), that almost always are of a homosexual nature. And I believe in Greg Schiano. I'm telling you, this guy is going to take the league like gangbusters. I might be a year or two premature in saying this is Tampa's year ... but it's not like an underrated, rock solid hard ass has taken over this team before, and won a Lombardi in his first try. Oh wait, he did -- Jon Gruden. And I'd argue Jawsh Freeman is better than Brad Johnson ever was under center. Ten years ago, these two squads met in Philly for the NFC Championship. I'm staging the rematch in Tampa ... with the same outcome.
NFC Champions: Your Tampa Bay Buccaneers!
Upcoming: the AFC divisional and postseason picks ...
1. 12-4 Chicago Bears (best overall record)
2. 10-6 Seattle Seahawks (win tiebreaker with Cowboys via head-to-head, with Bucs via record vs common opponents)
3. 10-6 Dallas Cowboys (win tiebreaker with Bucs via head-to-head)
4. 10-6 Tampa Bay Bucs (best remaining division champion's record)
5. 11-5 Green Bay Packers (best non-division winning record)
6. 10-6 Philadelphia Eagles (win tiebreaker vs Panthers via head-to-head)
----------------------
7. 10-6 Carolina Panthers (win tiebreaker vs Saints via strength of victory)
8. 10-6 New Orleans Saints (best remaining record)
9. 9-7 New York Giants (best remaining record)
10. 8-8 San Francisco 49ers (win tiebreaker vs Redskins via ... honestly, who cares)
11. 8-8 Washington Redskins (best remaining record)
12. 7-9 Detroit Lions (best remaining record
13. 6-10 Minnesota Vikings (best remaining record)
14. 5-11 Atlanta Falcons (win tiebreaker vs Cardinals via head-to-head)
15. 5-11 Arizona "Super" Cardinals (best remaining record)
16. 2-14 St. Louis Rams (giving Cleveland one helluva run for "worst franchise of the year" ...)
* The Wildcard Round:
Mixology 2012 Song to Describe Said Round: "Party In the USA" by Miley Cyrus. Cue Stevo imitating the worst dance moves in recorded human history, to celebrate the arrival of the playoffs ...
(6) Eagles 34, at (3) Cowboys 31. I guarantee you NBC is salivating over putting this into the pimp Saturday night time slot. As well they should be. This game would be epically awesome.
at (4) Bucs 27, (5) Packers 24. I debated for fifteen minutes over who would win this matchup. If it was at Lambeau, there'd be no doubt who would win, and it ain't the Bucs. (Cue Ol' Pete King b*tching about the team with a better record having to play a road game. Seriously, let. it. go. Ol' Pete. Let. It. Go. The Bucs actually WON something -- their division. The Pack merely won the title of "best runner up". They don't deserve to host a thing.
* The Divisional Round:
Mixology 2012 Song to Describe Said Round: "Start a Fire" by Ryan Star. Also, cue me watching nothing but football for two straight days, up to and including "NFL Edge Matchup" that ESPN has sadly -- tragically -- dumped to like 4:30am on ESPNU. Really, ESPN -- the Matchup show, with Jaws and Merril Hoge breaking down the biggest game of the day? Is THE single best show you have on your entire family of networks. "The Voice of Reason" and I used to wake up at 5:55am for a noon kickoff to simply spend 30 minutes watch two fellow football geeks break down game film to see which team was better coached, better prepared, for the day's biggest matchup. (Note: we also may have watched for gambling purposes. Your call as to which factor weighed more heavily. And I'd bet on "gambling" if I was you, the random reader.) Put "NFL Edge Matchup" back in a more sleep-in friendly time slot guys. I don't ask much. I'm begging you for this.
(6) Eagles 20, at (1) Bears 10. Whoa, the Bears crap out at home in the divisional round. Stunning! What's next, your going to tell me the Colts beat the Chiefs every damned time they play in January? Oh. Uum, let's move on.
(4) Bucs 13, at (2) Seahawks 10. I know -- this has to be, five months out, THE most unlikely divisional round matchup imaginable, involving divisional champions to boot. But look at the rosters, and it's not as far-fetched or ridiculous of a possibility as it seems. Also, this matchup would be damned FUN to watch. Two tremendous college coaches trying to take the next step at the pro level. Two tremendous young quarterbacks (Jawsh Freeman and Russell Wilson) trying to make the leap to "franchise guy" level. Two tremendous defenses throwing down, ideally in a light falling mist on a 55 degree day in the Pacific Northwest. (Pause.) OK, fine, maybe I'm the only one excited by this matchup, but color this kid excited by how this worked out.
* The Conference Championship:
Mixology 2012 Song that Describes Said Round: "Shout" by the Isley Brothers. No explanation needed.
(4) Bucs 24, (6) Eagles 13. I don't believe in a lot in life. I believe in my amazing ability to shove my foot into my mouth at the most inopportune of moments. I believe in Kennedy family sex scandals, topped only by the inevitable alleged family man far-right-wing pastor sex scandal(s), that almost always are of a homosexual nature. And I believe in Greg Schiano. I'm telling you, this guy is going to take the league like gangbusters. I might be a year or two premature in saying this is Tampa's year ... but it's not like an underrated, rock solid hard ass has taken over this team before, and won a Lombardi in his first try. Oh wait, he did -- Jon Gruden. And I'd argue Jawsh Freeman is better than Brad Johnson ever was under center. Ten years ago, these two squads met in Philly for the NFC Championship. I'm staging the rematch in Tampa ... with the same outcome.
NFC Champions: Your Tampa Bay Buccaneers!
Upcoming: the AFC divisional and postseason picks ...
Thursday, August 23, 2012
2012's most anticipated post part iv: the nfc west
Finally (for the NFC at least …) the NFC Worst … I mean,
West, which actually played out even more perfectly than I thought going into
this exercise. (Please click picture below for full Excel schedule breakdown):
* Final Order of Finish:
1. Seattle Seahawks
2. San Francisco 49ers
3. Arizona “Super” Cardinals
4. St. Louis Rams.
* First Read: the Seahawks are my sleeper in the NFC. I absolutely think they’re capable of
knocking off a decent Packers team at home, winning at Chicago, and putting the
fear of Christ into whoever survives the other game in the divisional
round. That was my thoughts entering
this. Also, for anyone who questions
whether I stand behind my predictions, uum – I’m basing this on the belief
Seattle is going to be good. I’m posting
this 24 hours BEFORE I will see their starters play at least a half, in
person. Let’s just say, I’m high on the
Seahawks this year.
* Biggest Game(s): Dallas at Seattle, week two. Determined who got the bye to the divisional
round. Yes, peoples and peepettes, I
have the Seahawks hosting a divisional round game as the two seed. (And that doesn’t give you a moment’s
pause?) Hell no it doesn’t.
* Seems Wacky: nothing.
The 49ers schedule is brutal, and ask any fan of the 2011 Chiefs – you always
regress to the median. The 49ers
improved by 7 games last year simply due to a HUGE upgrade in coaching, and a
shitty division, arguably the shittiest since … the 2010 NFC West
(rimshot!)
The odds of the 49ers, now facing a first place schedule,
with the same roster, and more specifically, the same crappy QB, winning 13
games and hosting the NFC Title Game again?
Are as slim as the odds of me getting laid tonight. And trust me – I already scoured the “casual
encounters” section on Craigslist for today.
It ain’t happening.
* Division (Home) Uniform Rankings:
1. San Francisco 49ers
2. Seattle Seahawks
3. St. Louis Rams
4. Arizona “Super” Cardinals
Reason: I LOVE the 49ers classic look, right down to how
they’ve redesigned the endzone logo the last few years. (It also doesn’t suck that San Francisco is
arguably the prettiest city in America.
Sorry Clearwater, ya know I love ya, and God willing I’ll be laying on
your beaches come October 12th … but San Francisco is America’s most
beautiful city. And in case you think I’m
biased … I used to work for the company whose name adorns the city’s most
famous structure, up until they decided their employees don’t matter as much as
raising the stock price $0.02 and kicked us all to the curb. If I can STILL find San Francisco that
gorgeous? Yeah, it’s gorgeous.)
And I know I’m in the minority, but I kinda like the wacky,
crazy, “what the hell is that color scheme?!?!” look the Seahawks roll out
every week. It might be wacky, crazy, “what
the hell”-ish … but at least its memorable.
* Division MVP: Marshawn Lynch, Seahawks. I think Seattle is going to roll the dice and
go with the rookie over the free-agent addition at quarterback. (A gamble, by the way, I’d do as well … and
yes, I am well aware we took yet another in a seemingly endless 25 year run of "third round OL who'll never see significant playing time" exactly ONE pick ahead of Seattle taking Mr. Wilson. Hang on, there’s a
cinder block calling the side of my head, asking if it’s ready to be bashed to
pieces. Give me a few minutes …)
* Division Coach / Year: Pete Carroll, Seahawks. As a Jets fan, you have NO idea how much
seeing this sack of shit continue to find success disgusts me. I mean seriously, how? HOW?
How is Pete Carroll a successful head coach?
This is the absolute idiot whose team FELL for Marino’s fake spike! This is a guy who was so crappy at his job
(1994 season), that the Jets fired him after one disasterous 6-10 season … and
replaced him with Rick Kotite!
Yes, the Jets thought Rich Kotite was an IMPROVEMENT over Pete
Carroll!!! I just … (pausing, calming
down …) yeah, no wonder the Jets are a national joke.
* Song From Mixology 2012 To Describe Each Team:
Seattle Seahawks: “Electric Feel” by MGMT. I’m really high on this team. I anxiously await seeing them in person
tomorrow.
San Francisco 49ers: “Save Me, San Francisco!” by
Train. What, like I could pick ANYTHING
else? God, I love this song! “I’ve been high! I’ve been low! I’ve been yes, and I’ve been OH HELL NO! I’ve been rock and roll and disco! Won’t you save me, San Francisco? I’ve been up!
I’ve been down! I’ve been so
damned lost since you’re not around! I’ve
been reggae and calypso – won’t you save me, San Francisco!!!” (By the way: the official 2014 roadie has
already been decided, and we’re headed to the Bay. Just as a FYI.)
Arizona “Super” Cardinals: “Look Away” by Chicago. Because when you see this team on your flat
screen, passing by? Do yourself a favor,
and look away! Baby, look away!
St. Louis Rams: “Tipsy” by J-Kwon. Of all the craptacular rappers St. Louis
dropped on the nation to open the prior decade, this one was the worst. (And yet you love this song?) Hell yes I do.
* Bottom Line: this entire prediction is based on anyone
other than Tarvaris Jackson getting the nod as Seattle’s starting QB. Either Matt Flynn or Russell Wilson can – and
will – go 10-6 and win the NFC West, to become arguably the worst NFL team to
host a divisional round game since your 1989 Cleveland Browns (at 9-6-1) hosted
the Buffalo Bills (9-7) in a battle of division champions. And to think people actually think expansion
weakened the talent pool …
* Final Prediction: Troy Aikman will still be thought of as
the greatest ex-Oklahoma quarterback to play in the NFL when the 2012 NFL
season ends.
* SPECIAL!!! Answer
to last night’s trivia question: Todd Haley beat exactly ONE playoff bound team
in his tenure as the Chiefs head coach.
Can you name that team?
(cue a convenient distraction …) and time.
Your 2010 Seattle Seahawks.
Yes, the ONLY playoff bound team Todd Haley beat as a head coach, was
the ONLY NFL playoff team to ever qualify for the postseason with a losing
record. I feel that, in the interest of
fairness? You deserve to know that Romeo
Crennel has DOUBLED Todd Haley’s postseason scalps, in three games.
Yeah, I’d say that was a good coaching change …
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
2012's most anticipated post part iii: the nfc south
Third up: the NFC South! (Please click picture below for full Excel
schedule breakdown):
* Final Order of Finish:
1. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (based on conference record)
2. Carolina Panthers (based on strength of victory)
3. New Orleans Saints (screwed big time! (cue average saints fan voice) fuck you
Goodell!!!)
4. Atlanta Falcons
* First Read: the Saints and Falcons Panthers tie in EVERY possible
tiebreaker down to whatever the hell is 5th or 6th, which
is points scored. (I think*). They have identical overall records, identical
head to head, identical conference, identical division, identical common
opponents. I think – and that’s a guess
at best – I think Carolina will score more than New Orleans. I only mention this, because the final
wildcard in the NFC? HINGES on this
tie-breaker between Carolina and New Orleans (the Panthers, FYI, are drawing
dead in this scenario … but the Saints aren’t.)
(*: UPDATE -- it's not! Strength of Victory is ahead of points scored. Still didn't change my projection, although I had to haul the calculator out to figure out 2nd place. And yes -- second place in the NFC South literally determined the last NFC Wildcard ... and there were more teams involved than just these two.)
* Biggest Game(s): well, Carolina / New Orleans splitting
threw this projection into abject chaos.
Trust me – ABJECT CHAOS, for the final NFC Wildcard Berth. What would have avoided said chaos? Was if Carolina had won at Philly to close
November on a Monday night. Also, Bucs
last place schedule was HUGE – they won both their non-common games (Vikings /
Rams), while the Panthers (Bears / Seahawks) and Saints (Packers / 49ers) split
theirs. (pause). Fine, sometimes it IS who you play that
determines the damned division.
* Seems Wacky: on the surface, Atlanta collapsing SEEMS
wacky. But LOOK at that opening six game
stretch, if not opening nine games (counting the three after the bye). EVERY DAMNED SEASON, some hyped team
collapses due to an early rough stretch of games, and never recovers. (For the ultimate example of this, I give you
the 2004 Kansas City Chiefs, who opened at wildcard team denver, vs NFC
Champion Carolina, then blew the Houston game, traveled to AFC North champion
Baltimore, then had to go to rising Jacksonville, before facing Atlanta (who
reached the NFC Title Game) and Indianapolis (ditto for the AFC).) I think they collapse under the weight of
expectations, and an insanely tough opening.
* Division (Home) Uniform Rankings: again, taking extreme liberties here:
1. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (all orange look from the late 80s / early 90s)
2. New Orleans Saints
3. Atlanta Falcons
4. Carolina Panthers
Reason: The other three all suck, as does Tampa's current incarnation. But the all orange look? IMPRESSIVE!
* Division (Home) Uniform Rankings: again, taking extreme liberties here:
1. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (all orange look from the late 80s / early 90s)
2. New Orleans Saints
3. Atlanta Falcons
4. Carolina Panthers
Reason: The other three all suck, as does Tampa's current incarnation. But the all orange look? IMPRESSIVE!
* Division MVP: (the sports guy voice) Jawsh Freeman,
Bucs. Considering I’m trying to acquire
him in my main fantasy league right now, I, uuh, probably should have held this
post back.
* Division Coach / Year: Greg Schiano, Bucs. It is not often I am as high … as I am at a
Ben Harper concert (rimshot!) I kid, I
kid. I LOVED the Schiano hire. LOVED it.
Schiano is going to be the first successful BCS level college coach to
advance to the NFL, AND win a Super Bowl as a head coach, since?
The answer at the bottom of the post … and I guaran-damn-tee
you, you’ll whiff on it, unless you REALLY think about it. I’ll give you one hint: if you’re thinking of
the two most OBVIOUS possible answers, both of whom coached for the same
franchise, in the same decade, and essentially coached the same team as it was
constructed, you will NOT be correct.
(Cue every Nebraska fan from 1993 nodding at realizing who said coach is
… knowing Thanksgiving Day 1993's prime-time ESPN game cost the Huskers a three-peat ... and nope, said coach didn’t coach the Big Red either …)
* Song From Mixology 2012 To Describe Each Team:
Tampa Bay Bucs: “Am I The Only One” by Dierks Bentley. Because I probably am the only person who’s
picking Tampa to win this division. So
be it.
Carolina Panthers: “I Hate Myself For Loving You” by Joan
Jett and the Blackhearts. There is not
one legitimate reason why I should love Cam Newton like I do … but I do.
New Orleans Saints: “Somebody That I Used To Know” by
Gotye. The slow decline begins in three …
two … one … and unlike most declines, this one is totally deserved.
Atlanta Falcons: “Time to Pretend” by MGMT. Speaking of teams about to sink into an
irrelevant existance, your Atlanta Falcons everyone!!!
* Bottom Line: laugh all you want – I think Greg Schiano was
THE BEST MOVE of the entire offseason.
This guy can FLAT OUT COACH.
Again, laugh all you want, but if you’re familiar with football in the
Big East area whatsoever (and, sadly, I am): the guy won at Rutgers. The only thing I can equate that to, that KC
area folks will get, is to take what Mark Mangino pulled off in 2007? And have him do it for EIGHT STRAIGHT YEARS. That’s what Schiano did. That was the “grand slam hire” of the
offseason. (Although, bias aside, I’d
rank peyton manning 2, and Eric Winston 3.
And I could be talked into flipping that order before I run the AFC
schedules tomorrow.)
* Final Prediction: I swallow hard and do not boo, nor do I
cheer, Mr. Tony Gonzalez upon his return to Arrowhead September 9th. Personally?
I’d like to take the HHH Memorial Sledge Hammer to the side of his head,
REPEATEDLY, for putting personal goals ahead of ultimate victory on September
28, 2008, a day that will NEVER be forgotten by me for as long as I have a
conscious memory. (And in the ultimate “yup,
God has it out for Stevo” moment of a lifetime?
A chica who I call, uum, “the chica”, who I consider to be not only one
of my best friends, but one of the finest people I’ll ever have the privilege
of knowing? I met her not even 72 hours
after taunting her team’s fan’s leaving that day. The lesson?
God hates me. Or he loves the
broncos. And I REFUSE to believe the
latter is even REMOTELY possible …)
* And the bonus: the answer to the question above, the last
majorly successful FBS / Division I-A NCAA coach to move to the NFL and win a
Lombardi Trophy? WAKE UP PEOPLE! It happened this year! Tom Coughlin, formerly of Boston College
(whose crushing – CRUSHING – last second defeat to West Virginia in 1993 cost
Nebraska a three-peat (the Huskers would have BLASTED West Virginia in the
Orange Bowl, if the “wait, how the fuck is an 11-0 team losing to BOSTON
FREAKING COLLEGE?!?!” reaction in the polls hadn’t elevated one-loss Florida
State into the two slot entering the bowl season.)
I know, you were thinking Jimmy Johnson (Miami) or Barry
Switzer (Oklahoma). Wrong. Tom freaking Coughlin, who parlayed a couple
Big East titles into a solid run in Jacksonville, and two Lombardi’s and
counting in the swamps of North Jersey.
If you want to argue “he had a NFL stop in between!”, then
it’s Switzer. But come on – not even the
most die-hard of Dallas fan admits the Switzer years happened …
* Tomorrow's trivia question: name the ONLY playoff-bound team Todd Haley defeated as head coach of the Chiefs. Here's a hint: they're arguably the WORST team to EVER qualify for the postseason. And they managed to win (at least) one more game than Mr. Haley when they got to said postseason ...
* Tomorrow's trivia question: name the ONLY playoff-bound team Todd Haley defeated as head coach of the Chiefs. Here's a hint: they're arguably the WORST team to EVER qualify for the postseason. And they managed to win (at least) one more game than Mr. Haley when they got to said postseason ...
2012's most anticipated post, part ii: the nfc north
Next up: the NFC Central! (Please click picture below for full Excel
schedule breakdown):
* Final Order of Finish:
1. Chicago Bears
2. Green Bay Packers
3. Detroit Lions
4. Minnesota Vikings
* First Read: fit EXACTLY what I thought would happen. (Unlike my NFC South first read, and hang on – we’re
going there next). I LOVE the Bears
entering this season. (Which means you
probably want to bet heavily on Green Bay or Detroit. After all, I offer up my predictions as a “fair
warning” to the gambling public, as a guide on who not to wager on.)
* Biggest Game(s): Packers at Bears was the ultimate decider
of the division, but what really swung the division was the Seahawks – namely,
the Bears got them in Chicago to open December (brrrrrr!), while the Pack had
to go out there in prime time in late September.
* Seems Wacky: wait, how in the name of God did I have
Minnesota sitting at 6-4 at their bye?
The answer? Look at that
schedule. It’s CAKE through week
10. If you’re looking for this year’s “where
the hell did they come from?!?!” SHOCK playoff contender entering
December? Again – LOOK AT THAT
SCHEDULE! You could put Tyler Palko
under center and win at least 4. With a
decent option in Christian Ponder (who I like, by the way … albeit not in “that
way”. Not that there’s ANYTHING wrong
with that (rimshot!))? Absolutely 6-4 is
doable, and 7-3 isn’t a crack pipe dream.
But the finish … YIKES. 4 of 6 on
the road, 5 of 6 against credible playoff threats, 4 of 6 against the two
powerhouses in your division. Someone at
NFL Headquarters hates the Vikings.
(Which means you know we’re getting one HELLUVA awesome “fuck you
Goodell!” column out of Drew Magary on Deadspin at some point before September
7th …)
* Division (Home) Uniform Rankings: and yes, I am taking
EXTREME liberties here with who “wins” the contest …
1. Detroit Lions (75th anniversary throwback)
2. Chicago Bears
3. Green Bay Packers
4. Minnesota Vikings.
Reason: there has NEVER been a uniform I loved more than the
1994 75th NFL anniversary uniforms the Lions wore. NEVER.
(Although a damned photo-finish close second? Is winning the AFC West rankings, and here’s
a hint: it ain’t the Chiefs.) I LOVED
the dark blue with the dark grey lettering and numbers, with the dark grey
pants and dark blue socks (with dark grey shoes) to boot. Put it this way: when Scott Mitchell looks
respectable? You’ve got a winner in town. And there’s NEVER been a better winner in NFL
uniforms, than the Lions 75th anniversary throwback.
The other three are all perfectly acceptable – but nowhere
NEAR as epic as the Lions anniversary look.
* Division MVP: Christian Ponder, Vikings. Yeah, I’m taking the QB of the last place
team as your divisional MVP. Why? Because I have them sitting at 6-4 entering
their bye! I don’t care what the “stars”
of the division are expected to do – NOBODY expects the Vikings to be decent
for 2/3rds of the season (other than me).
If God (and Roger Goodell) didn’t hate the Vikings, and didn’t schedule
5 of their toughest 6 games of the season at the end of the schedule, maybe Mr.
Ponder would get more year-end appreciation than he’s going to get.
* Division Coach / Year: Lovie Smith, Bears. A brief spoiler alert: I have the Bears with
home-field advantage throughout the playoffs for the second time in Lovie’s
tenure, and I have them hosting the NFC title game for the third time in his
tenure. That is, respective, two and
three more times than the Chiefs can say that since I graduated from college,
and my 15th anniversary awaits in less than 20 months. Hell, I’ve waited this long to drop it: (fake
enthusiasm voice) ain’t we lucky we got ‘em, good times.
* Song from Mixology 2012 To Describe Each Team:
Chicago Bears: “Downfall” by TRUST Company. Enjoy this season Bears fans – your “downfall”
is about six months away.
Green Bay Packers: “North to Alaska” by Johnny Horton. Because it’s the only place in the world
colder than a playoff game at Lambeau Field.
Detroit Lions: “Going Under” by Evanescence. Probably should have saved this for the NFC
South loser, to be honest … but the Lions will be the NFC’s second biggest
underachiever … behind said NFC South loser.
Minnesota Vikings: “The Rising” by Bruce Springsteen. This is your NFC North team on the rise. They’ll show flashes of what 2013 and beyond
holds this year, and will be squarely in the wildcard race entering
December. “Come on up for the rising!”
* Bottom Line: the ONLY projection from the NFC I even have
a 2/1000ths of a second moment of hesitation on, is the Lions. That 4 out of 5 on the road stretch in
November, I have burying them. (I have them
0 for the road in that stretch.) If they
win as favorites in Jacksonville and Minnesota?
They’re squarely in the middle of the race for the last wildcard. It’s not WHO you play, its WHEN you play
them. And dropping 4 of 5 on the road in
“moving month” of the season, hurts, big time.
* Final Prediction: the Bears will actively seek to trade
Jay Cutler this offseason after yet another meltdown at home in January. And (please, Christ, NO!!!) the Chiefs will
be actively involved in attempting to acquire him.
Up next, your NFC South projections, which damned near caused my laptop to set itself on fire trying to figure out the three way tie for first ... and more specifically, the "wait, STRENGTH OF VICTORY MATTERS?!?!?!?!" tiebreaker not employed in 30 years in the NFL for second ...
2012's most anticipated post, part i: the nfc east
I begin “The Most Anticipated Post Of the Year” by noting …
that you’re getting not one, not two, not even three. (“super colon blow”* announcer voice) I’ll
give you one more guess. Four?
Not even close.
(*: note: I clicked at least 45 pages deep in a Youtube! search for this all-time classic SNL ad parody. If you've never seen it, you have truly missed out on one of Phil Hartman's greatest moments.)
You’re getting AT LEAST nine most anticipated posts! Oh hell yes, I’m breaking this out, one for
each division, and then the overall postseason*! I’m telling you, I am GEEKED for this season**!
(*: I honestly am this fired up. I’m actually attending Friday’s crappy
scrimmage to boot! The last time I made
both preseason games? 2006, the last
time I was as fired up for a season as I am for this one. And yes, I still think trading a fourth round
pick for Herm Edwards was a smart move, and if I ran the Chiefs, Herm would
still be our head coach. Deal with it. Ask yourself this – was Todd Haley better
than Herm? (Nope). And I wouldn’t wager even $0.01 on Romeo
winding up better than him …)
(**: if you don’t think this is a BLATANT, beyond obvious
attempt to speed up the push to 600 posts (this one is 587), then you’re dumber
than an Obama economic proposal.
(pause.) Vote Romney!!!)
Let’s begin in the NFC East, also known as the only division
I believe every team will at least finish .500 in (click picture below for full Excel
schedule breakdown):
* Final Order of Finish:
1. Dallas Cowboys (win tiebreaker on divisional record)
2. Philadelphia Eagles
3. New York Giants
4. Washington Redskins
* First Read: you win seven in a row to close your season,
good things are probably going to happen as a result. I have Dallas opening 3-6 … then rallying to
steal the division in the season finale. Also, closing with 5 of 7 at home doesn't hurt either.
* Biggest Game(s): obviously Dallas holding serve at home to
open December. That ultimately decided
the division champion. Also, the Philly
games against the NFC South. Wound up
being HUGE in figuring out the abject clusterfuck the final wildcard wound up being. (Cue the “stay tuned …” voice).
* Seems wacky: nothing, honestly. Philly entered the finale simply needing to
win (or have Dallas lose) to win the division, or possibly get the six seed as their failsafe.
Dallas, the Giants, and Washington all entered the finale very much
alive for the final wildcard slot, and in Dallas’ case, very much alive for the
division. This almost played out exactly like I expected entering the schedule running ... except Dallas and Philly flipped spots.
* Division (Home) Uniform Rankings: I love this ongoing
feature at ESPN.com this week, so I'm blatantly stealing it to get another category in each division's prognostication. (FYI:
both the Royals and the Chiefs are in the top 50 … I’m guessing the Royals
appear in tomorrow’s 26-50 ranking, and the Chiefs crack the top 25. Also? denver ranked 107 (out of 122). Seems a tad too high, by about 15 spots, to be
honest. Even in a damned pointless "rank the pro sports uniform" throw-away feature, I can find a way to hate denver. Admit it: I'm pretty damned talented!!)
Anyways, NFC East (Home) Uni Rankings:
1. Dallas Cowboys
2. Washington Redskins
3. New York Giants
4. Philadelphia Eagles
Reason: normally I oppose white jerseys for home games in
football … but come on, the Cowboys white look is CLASSIC. They're the only NFL team that can get away with it. I love when the ‘Skins go Indian red with puke
yellow, it’s another classic look.
Giants and Eagles both rank in the bottom five uniforms in the league,
although the lower-case “ny” on their helmets somewhat redeems the Giants. Philly’s unis? Terrible.
Beyond atrocious. What in the
hell is that wing-like thing on their helmet and shoulder pads? I say
wing-like, because I honestly have NO CLUE if the artist has ever seen an eagle’s
wing before. It looks like my four year
old nephew designed it, and, uum, while he’s “My Special Little Guy”, let’s
just say, art is not going to be his strength in life.
* Division MVP: Tony Romo, Cowboys. If Dallas wins this division, it’s because
Romo finally elevates his game to a championship caliber-level. I have them winning the division. (u2 voice) el-e-va-tion!
* Division Coach / Year: “Fat” Andy Reid, Eagles. He has to reach the playoffs, and probably
win at least once, once he gets there, to keep his job. (Side note to Scott Pioli: if Jeff Lurie is
dumb enough to fire “Fat” Andy Reid? The
VERY NEXT PHONE CALL Mr. Reid gets had BETTER be from your, sir.)
I predict the Eagles will at least reach the clusterfuck of
10-6 NFC teams desperately brushing up on tie-breaker procedures to figure out
who the six seed is. (Trust me – when the
full NFC plays out, you’ll be as “wait, what?!?!” when it comes to who the six
seed is, as I wound up. And yes, a
freaking “fling it against the wall and see if it sticks” projection on STRENGTH
OF VICTORY to figure out the second place NFC South team? Actually wound up determining the six seed
amongst the three teams tied for it (and I have SIX NFC teams finishing 10-6 …
although 3 won their divisions). In the
words of Jack Buck, “Go crazy folks! Go
crazy!!!”)
* Song From Mixology 2012 To Describe Each Team:
Dallas Cowboys – “The Best of What’s Around” by DMB. Hey, they do project to win the division,
albeit through the biggest backdoor playoff berth since the 1995 Lions.
Philadelphia Eagles – “I Want It All” by Queen. It would have been “All Or Nothing” by Theory
of a Deadman, but, uum, they didn’t make the initial Mixologist’s cut.
New York Giants – “Dancing On The Ceiling” by Lionel Richie. Defending champs. I can only DREAM of the day I can say that
about the Chiefs.
Washington Redskins – “Daydream Believer” by the Monkees. I’d argue they’re the best last place team in
football … but just wait until I get to the NFC South projections. I have the ‘Skins three games ahead of the
last place NFC South team (with a victory in hand). And on a neutral field? The NFC South loser would be AT LEAST a
touchdown favorite today, over the ‘Skins.
Also, I just like typing ‘Skins.
#callmearacist,kcstar.
* Bottom line: this division ROCKS. No, really – it effing ROCKS. I could watch NFC East teams battle all
Sunday long, and again on Monday night, every week. And clearly the powers that be agree with me –
no division has more prime time and stand alone national contests, than the NFC
East does, with 24 (out of 64 games NFC East teams will play. More than 1 out of every 3 NFC East scheduled
game, will be in the national slot.
(john davidson voice) That’s incredible!)
* Final Prediction: For the third consecutive offseason, no
NFC East team will change its head coach.
That HAS to be some kind of record for this division, the most
competitive in the NFL for decades running now.
Coming next bat time, same bat channel? The NFC North – the ONLY division so far that
went EXACTLY as I thought it would entering the running of the schedules …
Monday, August 20, 2012
i knew it was too good to be true ...
It’s days like these, that I openly question why I’m voting
Republican this fall.
I noted a while ago my immense frustration at voting against
Mr. Obama, not because I think he’s a bad person (he’s not), or because I think
he’s wrong more than he’s right (he’s not … socially, anyways), or because I
think Mr. Romney is a bad candidate (he’s definitely not), but because I knew,
I just freaking KNEW, that social conservatives couldn’t leave well enough
alone. I knew, I just freaking KNEW,
that they’d do something, probably a few somethings, that would have me shaking
my head in embarrassment, frustrated over yet another “they just can’t leave
well enough alone” moment.
Today, here in our part of the world, we got not one, but
two for the price of one. One in Kansas,
one in Missouri. Let’s start with the “laugh
out loud funny” one first, on the Kansas side, where the dude who rep’s JoCo
and WyCo in the House, Kevin Yoder, had to begin an apology tour for … wait for
it … hang on, this is pretty damned funny …
It’s ok, laugh at it, God knows I did (and am). Yes, THIS is what counts as a “crisis of
leadership” to social conservatives apparently -- that a dude, after a night of drinking,
partakes in a local tradition and jumps into said Sea off of a restaurant’s
dock where he was enjoying a few adult beverages, sans any suit save for his
birthday one.
(The funniest reaction to this I've read or heard, was Dana Wright's or Scott Parks' on "Radioactive" this afternoon (I forget which one said it, but I'd bet Dana). "Really, who amongst us hasn't tried to walk naked across a lake before?" I was laughing so hard, the lady across from me actually turned around to see what was so funny. And yes, this is THE body of water where Jesus literally walked on top of it.)
Really? THIS is a
story? My God. The country’s financial solvency literally
hinges on how we vote 78 days from now, and THIS is a story? The fact that a guy gets blitzed and hops in
a friggin glorified lake without any clothes on? Hang on, let me re-read this and see if I
missed something … nope, that’s the story.
Drunk dude goes for a swim while nude.
For. The. Love.
If sitting in a pool, a hot tub, or a lake sans swimming
suit is a crime? I’m guilty of it*, and I’m
damned sure most everyone who’ll read this is guilty too. This?
This is INSANE, that we’re even talking about that, that Rep. Yoder has
received so much outrage in his office over this ridiculous non-story, that he
had to devote 30 minutes this afternoon to “taking his come-uppance” on
Radioactive. THIS? This is not a story, other than in the “hey,
look at the naked drunk guy! Hee hee!”
kind of way.
(*: I'm guilty of two of the three. Even the most conservative gambler alive, can guess "hot tub" is one. I'll let you all figure out the other.)
(*: I'm guilty of two of the three. Even the most conservative gambler alive, can guess "hot tub" is one. I'll let you all figure out the other.)
On the other hand, on my side of the state line … (stevo
sighing in disgust …) wow.
Let me put it this way: NOBODY is better at speaking before
they think things through, than me.
NOBODY, as proven again throughout the past weekend.
THIS? What Rep. Akin said in a television broadcast Sunday afternoon? Not even I have stepped in it this bad. Because while I may say or think a lot of
loony, bat shit crazy things at times that are so far wrong, I’d get the “pants
on fire” designation from FactCheck.org?
This takes the cake.
Word for word, Rep. Akin’s thoughts on … well, I have absolutely
NO CLUE what he was referencing here, he steps in it so bad. Ostensibly, he’s answering whether he supports
a woman’s right to have an abortion if she is pregnant as the result of a rape.
Here’s the money shot: “It seems to me,
first of all, from what I understand from doctors, that’s really rare*. If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body
has ways to try to shut that whole thing down**.
(*: I assume he means pregnancy because of rape, but
honestly, this whole quote is so surreal, I have NO clue what he’s
referencing.)
(**: again, not a f*cking CLUE what he’s talking about.)
Setting aside the patently INSANE idea that there’s such a
thing as illegitimate rape … what, pray tell, is this magical ability that
victims of rape have, to somehow prevent fertilization if it’s a woman’s “happy
time” of the month? I mean,
WHAT?!?!?! Again folks, I have stepped
in it MANY times before, and will MANY times again … but THIS is beyond
comprehension.
Furthermore, again, setting aside the whole idea that rape is legitimate ... what quack doctor(s) has this lunatic talked to, who actually believes this? Did he talk to the graduating class of the West Hollywood Upstairs Medical College, and their pride and joy, Dr. Nick Riviera*?
Because at least I usually reach a point where I think “you
know Stevo, you might be wrong here, better scale back for a couple minutes.” Rep. Akin?
WENT FURTHER! Start the tape: “But
let’s assume that maybe that*** didn’t work or something. I think there should be some punishment, but
the punishment ought to be on the rapist, and not attacking the child.”
(***: once again, if you can read his mind, and figure out
what in the name of Christ he’s referencing, please – come psycho-analyze
me!!! (pause). I need the help.)
Let me get this straight, Rep. Akin: there should be “SOME”
punishment for a rapist? How about
cutting his balls off and letting him rot in a 6x8 cell in Jeff City for the
next 25-30 years? Does that seem like an
appropriate “some” form of punishment for committing the third most vile,
heinous, despicable crime imaginable (behind murder and child molestation …
which come to think of it, is rape as well)?
Furthermore, Rep. Akin is opposed to even allowing a rape
victim access to the morning after pill to PREVENT a pregnancy from
occurring. You know, in case “maybe that
didn’t work or something”. In the
interest of full disclosure, I am STRONGLY anti-abortion. But this?
This is INSANE. Not even I would
deny a woman’s right to choose to, I don’t know, NOT HAVE TO STARE INTO THE
SPAWN OF HER RAPIST FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE.
Sweet merciful Jesus, how far off the rails is this guy? Can he even spell “rail”, let alone stay on
the track?
Oh, but wait: being a social conservative, particularly of
the “evangelical” persuasion? Means that
simply opening your mouth and exposing your idiocy, isn’t enough. Oh no peoples and peepettes: you have to
double down on your lunacy, via the always timely, never classy “apology that
is worse than the original comment”*!!!!! (kazoo voice**) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It’s
a CLASSIC religious conservative move, and Rep. Akin did it BRILLIANTLY.
(*: I am fully aware I am really good at this as well. The difference being, I'll never be accused of stupidity because of my religious beliefs. I'm just stupid because ... well ... uum ... I'm a f*cking idiot.)
(**: admit it, you clicked on the link. Damn skippy you did.)
Start the tape: “In reviewing my off-the-cuff remarks, it’s
clear that I misspoke in this interview, and it does not reflect the deep empathy
I hold for the thousands of women who are raped and abused every year. I recognize that abortion, particularly in
the case of rape, is a very emotionally charged issue. But I believe deeply in the protection of all
life, and I do not believe that harming another innocent victim is the right
course of action.”
Wait. WHAT?!?! (stevo spitting out his vodka and lemonade …) No, really.
WHAT?!?!?!
These were “OFF THE CUFF REMARKS”?!?!?! What, pray tell, was OFF about them, other
than EVERY DAMNED WORD YOU SAID, Mr. Akin?
And again, I am as anti-abortion as you will EVER find from someone my
age that’s a male. It’s a huge sore spot
with friends of mine, particularly of the female persuasion, when they realize
it. So be it, I am who I am, and I view
abortion as murder. Having said that, is
Mr. Akin mentally all there? How in the
hell does preventing a pregnancy equate abortion? What’s next, believing that wearing a condom
is the equivalent of murder? (Something,
sadly, the Church DOES believe, which is reason number 1,038,587,484 out of a
countless number of reasons for why I refuse to step foot in the Church
voluntarily.)
Here’s why Mr. Akin’s comments matter, and why he MUST step
down as a candidate by the deadline of 5pm CT on August 21st. While I personally don’t think the Electoral Map as currently constructed is accurate (I think Romney has North Carolina
sewn up, and I think Pennsylvania is a toss-up, but whatever), the bottom line
is that even if you give him North Carolina, and Pennyslvania stays Obama, it’s
237-206 right now. And that’s with
Missouri solidly in the “leans Romney” category.
If Rep. Akin is on the ballot on November 6th? Kiss Missouri goodbye. Senator McCaskill (who I believe was going to
win anyways, because, again, read Rep. Akin’s comments above: the man is a
lunatic) will cruise to a 65-35 victory, and thousands of voters who might have
stayed home due to Obama apathy? Now
have a reason to show up, and that’s to send a message to the GOP and Rep. Akin
that, you know, you’re f*cking insane.
And odds are, most of those voters will vote for Obama, who lost
Missouri by less than 7,000 votes four years ago, out of over 4 million cast, and that's without the usual "shady shenanigans in St. Louis" attempt to steal the state that usually occurs (and wasn't needed last time).
And folks, if Obama wins Missouri? It’s over. Look at the map linked above. That pushes him to 248, meaning if he carries Florida (29), he’s over
the top. If he carries Ohio (18), he
only has to win ONE other tossup state (New Hampshire would do it) to get to
270. Let that sink in -- if Rep. Akin stays on the ballot, and Missouri thus switches to Barry, combined with Ohio going Democrat? That means Mr. Romney has to win EVERY FREAKING TOSSUP STATE LEFT to win. The odds of going 9 for 9? I'm gonna go with slim and none, and none is a 22 1/2 point favorite.
If he wins Virginia (13) and Wisconsin
(10) along with Missouri (not an unlikely outcome, and actually at worst a 40/60 bet right now, for what it’s worth, if Rep. Akin is still on the ballot come 5:01pm tomorrow), he
hits 271 and it’s over.
Rep. Akin MUST be replaced, if simply to try to keep
Missouri squarely in the Romney camp.
(Mr. Romney currently leads in all five major polls in Missouri: he’s +6
on RCP (moderate), +1 on SurveyUSA (liberal), +6 on Rasmussen (best in the
business), +9 in the Post Dispatch poll (liberal), +9 on Karl Rove’s survey
(conservative).)
No matter which poll you rely on, and the only one I believe
is Rasmussen, Missouri AS OF NOW is decided.
If Rep. Akin is still in this thing come 5:01pm tomorrow?
President Obama WILL win Missouri, and he WILL win
re-election.
Words have consequences.
I know that all too well. If we’re
to save this nation from looking coast to coast like California on crack with a
couple sides of meth and ecstacy kicked in?
It just matters that he's replaced. If only to prevent the inevitable "I'm voting against the mentally disabled dude with the R behind his name" stampede to the polls on November 6th. (pause). Man, this was SO MUCH EASIER when I believed every person on the ballot with a R behind their name was "special" ...
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