the week two predictions

Last Week SU: 9-7-0.
Season to Date SU: 9-7-0.

Last Week ATS: 8-8-0.
Season to Date ATS: 8-8-0.

Last Week Upset / Week: yikes.
Season to Date Upset / Week: 0-1-0.
This Week's Upset: Browns (+5 1/2) over Steelers.

Last week's theme won overwhelming approval ... from the four responses I got. So wow, that means I've doubled my readership in just a week! (kazoo voice) !!!!!!!!

So, I'll go with the theme thing one more week. This week's theme? I can't resist. Oh ... God love ya! What am I talkin' about? Joe Biden gaffes!!!

(marvin gaye voice) let's get it on ...

As always, all lines taken from today's USA Today.

* Titans (+1) 14, at Bengals 10. Wow, this is a tough matchup. Titans on the road with a backup QB ... Bengals look in abject disarray ... but there is an African American head coach involved, so let's see what Joey thinks of another prominent African American, his running mate, Barack Obama: "I mean, you've got the first mainstream, African American candidate, who is articulate, and bright, and clean, and a nice looking guy!"

(youtube! link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lu94Sz_TxUk)

* at Vikings (+2) 22, Colts 20. Hmm. Huge matchup for both teams, as neither wants to slip to 0-2. I like the Vikings based solely on home field. And hey, speaking of home field, let's see what Biden has to say about the employees of his home state of Delaware: "In Delaware, the largest growth in population is Indian Americans, moving from India. You cannot go to a 7-11 or a Dunkin' Donuts, unless you have a slight Indian accent. (pause) I'm not joking!"

(youtube! link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OIT3jUrNTX0)

* Saints (-2) 31, at Redskins 13. The Redskins look completely lost. The offense is inept, the head coach is clearly in over his head. Hmm ... "The irony is, Rudy Guiliani, the most unqualified person to seek the Presidency since George Bush, isn't talking about any of the people here! Rudy Giuliani! I mean, think about it, Rudy Giuliani, there's only three things he mentions in a sentence: a noun, a verb, and 9/11!"

(youtube! link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mPOAKXBi9Pw&feature=related)

* Packers (-3) 45, at Lions 3. Man the Lions are a mess. They definitely need change. Who does Biden think can bring change to Washington? "This election year the choice is clear. One man stands ready to deliver change we desperately need. A man I'm proud to call my friend, a man who will be the next President of the United States, Barack America!!!"

(youtube! link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dKTjlAd-GXM)

* at Panthers 21, Bears (+3) 20. Solid game. Huge wildcard ramifications. Basically, you don't gotta say much for this one.

(brian williams) Senator Biden, words have in the past gotten you in trouble, words that were borrowed and words that some found hateful. An editorial in the Los Angeles Times said "in addition to his uncontrolled verbosity, Biden is a gaffe machine". Can you reassure voters in this country that you would have the discipline you would need on the world stage, Senator?
(sen. biden) yes.
(cue laughs)

(youtube! link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XberX_t-WvI)

* Giants (-8) 59, at Rams 0. Yikes, this one is ugly. This should be a crippling defeat for the Rams. Hey, speaking of cripples ... "Uuh, uuh, Chuck Graham, state senator is here, Chuck, stand up Chuck! Let 'em see you! (realizes chuck is in a wheelchair) Oh ... God love ya, what am I talking about? I tell you what, you're making everybody else stand up though pal! Thank you very, very much. I tell you what, stand up for Chuck! Thank you pal! (walks over to chuck) You can tell I'm new, good to see you buddy!"

(youtube! link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t0v6qlpfYdQ)

(note: this is just about the damned funniest thing I've ever seen. Biden just totally comes across as a sleazy lounge act performer in this clip. Its just freaking awesome. As Rush put it best, all he needs is a cigarette, a cocktail and a rimshot. I love ya Joey!)

(note: yeah, go back and watch that last clip again with the lounge act image in your head, and tell me I'm not right. Joe Biden, second rate lounge act, potentially our next Vice President. Yup, its my party ...)

* at Jaguars 24, Bills (+5) 20. Very solid matchup. Huge wildcard ramifications. And since both teams like to run the ball ... "I got a kid going over there. The idea that we're not building these Humvees is just crap, man! Soldiers die that don't have to die. The second thing I'm gonna do is shove it down his throat!"

(youtube! link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QB2tcKt-Pgk)

(note: you'd think I'd run out of Biden gaffes ... but I've still got 5 freaking pages of them on Youtube! to sort through. Joe Biden: gaffe machine. Yup, its my party ...)

* at Bucs 16, Falcons (+7 1/2) 13. I like Tampa a lot, picked them to win the division. But I'm not laying the points with "Son of Bob" Greezy under center. And since Tampa coach Jon Gruden has had his "glug glug, vroom vroom" issues, let's see Joey at his finest! (allegedly)! "The village is ... America's finest hometown! The village is ... America's finest hometown! The village is!!!"

(youtube! link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NmRXH7RkCZQ)

* at Seahawks (-7 1/2) 34, 49ers 20. I expect the Seahawks to roll. Huge mismatch. Speaking of huge mismatches, how about Barry and his candidate Joey huh? Here's what Joey thinks of Barry: "The Presidency is not something that lends itself to on-the-job training -- I think I stand behind that statement".

(youtube! link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RoJUcsaptW4)

* at Cardinals (-6 1/2) 28, Dolphins 10. Yikes, this is a dud. Speaking of duds, Barry and Joey's candidacy everyone! "I never aspired to be Vice President. There's an old expression that's attributable to John Kennedy that says "I once had two brothers. One went to sea, one became Vice President. I never heard from either again"."

(youtube! link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Ul3n48ndts)

* at Jets (-2) 24, Patriots 10. The Jets haven't beaten the Pats in the Meadowlands since the Al Groh era. (brian griffin voice) what the hell? Since this is two northeastern states, both liberal, battling it out, let's see what Joey thinks of his home state of Delaware: "You don't know my state. My state was a slave state, my state was a border state, my state has the 8th largest black population in the country! My state is anything but a northeastern liberal state!" Thanks for clearing that up.

(youtube! link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qFduMuP7v-k)

* at Texans (-5) 27, Ravens 13. This game might be moved due to Hurricane Ike. (Funny note: at chron.com they've been providing live updates to the developing situation, and one emailer asked "I live in Galveston, are we about to become Tina in this storm?" I nearly spit up my diet coke reading that, that's just hysterical. Bringing Ike smacking Tina around ... and comparing it to a hurricane. That's awesome).

Oh, your Joey gaffe, from the youtube! debate last summer:

(questioner) To all the candidates: tell me your position on gun control. As myself and other Americans really want to know if our babies are safe ... (grabs assault rifle) and this is my baby.
(gov. richardson's response)
(anderson cooper) Senator Biden, you going to be able to keep his baby safe?
(sen. biden) I tell you what, if that's his baby, he needs help. Uuh, I think he just made an admission against self interest, I'm not sure he's mentally qualified to own that gun.

(youtube! link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ZTH2yCWQMs&feature=related)

* at broncos (+1 1/2) 34, Chargers 16. The donkeys have a huge, huge, HUYUGE opportunity staring them in the face Sunday. They can put San Diego in an 0-2 hole, knowing that the loser of KC / oakland is also 0-2 ... and the winner of KC / oakland isn't really a viable threat to win the division. They can be two clear with a tiebreaker. Huge. "I believe this to be true, I speak for myself, is that I don't meet with lobbyists ... now my staff does ..."

(youtube! link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eRMHV4QciPM)

* at Browns (+5 1/2) 41, Steelers 38. If Cleveland is to do anything this year, this is a virtual must win. To open 0-2, both at home, and fall 2 back of Pittsburgh, with a Steelers road win as well, is crippling.

(speaking of crippling, I can't resist, this thing is just too good.)

"Uuh, uuh, Chuck Graham, state senator is here, Chuck, stand up Chuck! Let 'em see you! (realizes chuck is in a wheelchair) Oh ... God love ya, what am I talking about? I tell you what, you're making everybody else stand up though pal! Thank you very, very much. I tell you what, stand up for Chuck! Thank you pal! (walks over to chuck) You can tell I'm new, good to see you buddy!"

(youtube! link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t0v6qlpfYdQ)

(I'm telling you, a Tuesday night lounge act at some club on 31st and Troost. Yup, its my party ...)

* Eagles (+7) 31, at Cowboys 30. The road team tends to win in this series lately. I'll say that trend continues. Speaking of continuing, the lunacy of the kook fringe left everyone, via Joey: "yes. Now look, here's the deal, my colleagues can tell you ... one of the things that happens is that ... you are stopped from being able to pursue something ... we will not be stopped by pursuing any criminal offense that has occured (by President Bush) ..."

(youtube! link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hh0qHc07Edo&feature=related)

The Chiefs pick:

You know the drill. Show up! Be loud! Yes, it will be "less than ideal" weather conditions. (Current forecast is 62 and rain at kickoff). But so what? If San Diego wins at denver, first place is on the line! And yeah, call it "senseless optimism", call it "drunken delusions", but goddammit, until this team is mathematically eliminated from any shot at the championship, I refuse, I f*cking REFUSE, to abandon the bandwagon!

Show up! Be loud! Do your part! Make Arrowhead Rock! (black street voice) play on playa!

* at Chiefs 16, Raiders (+3 1/2) 13. Oh, and for this one ... I had to go with a classic. I mean ... yup, its Joey.

"I spent last summer going through the black sections of my town, holding rallies in parks, trying to get black men to understand its not unmanly to wear a condom. Getting women to understand they can say no. Getting people in a position where testing matters. I got tested for AIDS, I know Barack got tested for AIDS, there's no shame in being tested for AIDS!"

(cue camera pan to a p*ssed off Obama)
(cue camera pan to a p*ssed off Reverend Al)
(obama, trying to salvage this) Tavis (Smiley), I just want to be clear -- I got tested with Michelle!

(youtube! link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ulJXJUjAKLk)

Yup, its my party ... and speaking of parties, nobody does it better than us for the home opener. We've decided to set the bitterness and rancor aside and just enjoy this game. Enjoy this day. Hope everyone can make it. We'll be in our usual spot, (old school tv voice) same bat time, same bat channel! So come enjoy some good food (although please, if you plan to join us, bring a side dish and your own beverages, long story short, this is a very sore spot right now with the group ...), some good people, and hopefully a good football game that sees the Red and Gold chalk one up in the win column for the first time since October 20!

Ain't we lucky we got 'em ... Good Times!!!

(see ya Sunday!)