where do i begin ...

I have left losses before feeling angry. I had an infamous postgame meltdown after the Ravens loss two years ago that resulted in a friend of Dusty's offering weed to me to help calm me down. I was so angry after losing to Philly in 2005 that I went home, grabbed a bottle of vodka, and locked myself in my room for the rest of the day and night. And denver in 2002? I didn't show up for work until Wednesday, I was so despondent over that one.

But this? This abortion of a performance we were "privileged" enough to witness today? This one takes the cake.

I've left games angry. I have left infuriated, disgusted, hacked, (insert string of obsenities here).

I can deal with that. Because anger is better than how I feel right now.

For the first time in at least 20 years ... I am f*cking embarrassed to be a Chiefs fan. I am ashamed to admit I am a season ticket holder. That performance today, was so bad, was so abysmal, was so awful, so devoid of even three ounces of hope, that I just ... I don't know what to say. For the first time since I started posting my thoughts on Chiefs games, and that's at least 13 years and counting ... I don't know what to say.

I'm embarrassed.

Let's hit the lowlights.

* The Command Center arrived at the gates around 6:45am ready to get our groove on. We weren't even close to being the first in line. The lesson? The die-hards of Arrowhead Nation are still alive and well.

* Some ridiculous pre-bought "tailgating bus" that was nothing more than a corporate shill took over half of our usual tailgating spot prior to the gates opening. To say there were some angry folks in our group, is an understatement.

* The "Steve drink count" game? Zero. I did not have a drop of alcohol enter my system until 9:01am. It was damned cold out there this morning, I stuck with the coffee.

* the core group still exists, albeit nowhere near what it was two years ago. See, my thought on this is, if this season removes the half assed fans from our ranks, good. They can come back when this rebuilding effort pays off, and we'll know them for exactly what they are, half assed bandwagon fans.

(And yes, I am calling out every damned "fan" who abandoned ship this year. If you're a real fan, you stick with it through thick and thin, through good and bad. Unless you have financial reasons for abandoning ship, screw you).

* Nice to see Gregg's mom doing well. She and I don't always see eye to eye ... hell, we never see eye to eye, and we really don't get along ... but she is a wonderful person, and it was a nice 10-15 minute conversation with her today. Good people doing good. That's a good thing.

* Christmas come early! I was so cold that I pleaded with Gregg to bring me a sweatshirt or windbreaker. Instead, he and the lovely Ashley brought me my Christmas present: a new Chiefs sweatshirt! I would ask who the hell Christmas shops by September 14th, but screw it, its Gregg.

* We didn't quite crack 70 people, but were solidly into the mid 50s. Great opening tailgate.

* The Chiefs are now 0-2 for the 3rd time in 3 tries under Herm Edwards, and for the 4th time in 5 years. Since 2003, the only time we haven't opened 0-2 is 2005. Call me crazy, but that ain't good.

* Wow, Jasson looks like Randy. Its just scary. Especially with the beard and grown out hair look. Just ... scary.

* The "Steve Pederson of Tailgating" graced us with her presence. I should have recognized that as a sign of things to come. I love how the only reason they were there was because the kid's soccer game got cancelled. Really? I would use this space to rant about how parents that "love" their kids would, I don't know, seek help for the fact that their 7th grader reads at a 2nd grade level, and their 9, 10 year old daughter has such a speech impediment that you can't understand a f*cking thing she says, but hey, why bother. Because they're loving, supporting parents who show up for all their kids meaningless sporting events. Because clearly, youth sports matters more than learning to read or speak at their grade level.

(wow, even for me, that's a new low, unloading on kids. My God, I take this too seriously ...)

* Nice to see the pat down still involves little to no patting down. Here's a hint guy, that bulge in my front pocket, and side pocket ... on second thought (joe biden voice) God love ya! What am I talking about? I tell ya what, you're making an awful lot of people stand up though pal!

(and no, that will never get old. Chuck, stand up Chuck! The only moment I laughed today during the game, was texting that).

* All the familiar folks in 131 / 132, are still there. Hooray! Gary and his wife still in front of me to my left, Ty and his wife to the front (thank God, he's the ying to my yang, the only other person in that stadium save for Gregg who seems to understand common sense football strategories). Chris and Greg still there in front of me to the right. (Funny moment of the day: I head in, head for the bano, and walk right by them as they're heading in. Greg waves, I wave, we shake hands ... Chris is oblivious. When I get to the seats a couple minutes later she was like "great to see you!" I was like "uuh, I already saw you". It took Greg and I a solid 5 minutes to convince her we'd just met in the concourse a couple minutes earlier. God I love Chiefs football ...)

* Russ and Mona and Nancy still to my right. The chicks from Springfield still behind us. Pat still a couple rows back.

* the two usual empty seats to my immediate left ... were filled. With two very attractive, late 20s females. Sadly, both had wedding rings. (And yes, I am that horny and desperate at this point, that I did consider going full-on with the brunette one. Thankfully, I still have some standards).

* The curly haired guy whose name I can never remember, and his two kids, still in front of Chris and Greg. Great guy. Lots of fun. I keep wanting to call him Bob because he looks like Bob Gretz with curly hair, but I know I'm wrong on that. Although for a story coming up in a minute, I'm calling him "Bob" from now on. (I feel a 2008 Tailgate Glossary update coming later tonight ...)

* And then ... (steve sighing in disgust) ... the newbies. 4 people, Chiefs fans all, who sit to the right of the Springfield chicks (behind Russ and Mona basically). They proudly announced they were "new" season ticket holders, and looked forward to enjoying all that entailed. Being the polite, friendly kind, I welcomed them to our area, as did everyone else. What a huge, huge, hu-yuge mistake. (More in a moment).

* KC Wolf's sketch ... I can't believe I'm about to admit this ... I laughed. It was great. Basically, it was an "American Idol" parody, with raider fan bombing out like William Hung, and Simon and Randy unloading on him. KC Wolf then rocked out to "Jump" by Van Halen and got the golden ticket. raider fan then stole his golden ticket, and it was on like donkey kong. Every once in a while, the Wolf reminds you why he was relevant 15 years ago. Today, was one of those days.

(He also had a hilarious moment at the end of the 3rd quarter, standing in front of 133, he grabbed a rubber mallot, and starting beating his head in frustration over the on-field results. I'm not sure I've ever laughed harder at a KC Wolf moment than that. Awesome stuff).

* did the raiders come out early, or were the Chiefs late? Either way, a solid 2-3 minute separation between raider intros and the Chiefs.

* if there's any cooler tradition in the NFL than the balloon launch from the block letter thingies, I haven't seen it. I f*cking love that every year.

* As regular readers and Steve friends and family know, I am very, very picky about the National Anthem. I have long maintained there are only 4 people who should ever perform the National Anthem at Arrowhead -- Patti DiParto Livergood, the Rev. Hal Weeks, Ida McBeth (all 3 of those for their incredible performances in the past), and Jessica Harp (because we're 2-0 against denver in games she performs it). Add a 5th. David Cook and his brother Andrew kicked ass. That was one inspirational, motivational, "where's my nearest Army recruiter" performance. Just amazing.

* I still think flyovers are the biggest waste of taxpayer money known to man. But since folks seem to like them, today's wasn't bad. And perfectly timed as well.

* I assume Huard got hurt on his 15 yard scramble.

* so the "hu-yuge mistake" with the newbies. "Bob"'s kid is standing throughout the first defensive stand, as is the section 131 / 132 tradition. These "newbies" literally tell a 12, 13 year old kid to "sit the f*ck down! sit the f*ck down, you can't f*cking stand on your f*cking ass all day!" Now, I love the f bomb, but not even I'm dropping it at a 13 year old. "Bob" leans in and is counseling his kid to maybe sit down ... and then one of the newbies literally throws a full beer glass at the kid. Let that sink in. You're so p*ssed that a 13 year old kid, at his first game as a season ticket holder, is standing for a defensive play ... that you chuck a loaded beer glass at him. I was enraged. Ty was enraged. We literally stood for every f*cking play the rest of the game as a result.

And to the kid's credit, and "Bob"'s credit ... he didn't sit down either. He stood his ground. My kind of guy. Newbies, you're on alert: I've been known to get into it with fans I don't like. (Although they usually kick my ass). I will stand OUR ground for 131 / 132. You will NOT infect your club-level mentality into our section. We WILL stand! We WILL represent!)

* Damion McIntosh, take a bow. That might have been the single worst performance by an offensive lineman I have ever paid to witness. And I am making that statement as a KU season ticket holder from the Terry Allen era. That was abysmal. You could have put john elway in his prime behind McIntosh yesterday, and he would have been killed.

* Still doesn't excuse the performance of Thigpen. That was abysmal. Tyler Thigpen has as much business being on a NFL roster as I do. Awful effort.

* I liked using Marcus Haggins in the "Slash" role. We made a solid hire in Gailey. Please don't judge him by the fact that he has nothing to work with under center. The guy knows what he's doing.

* As evidenced by the best call of the day, the 2 point conversion. Just a great play call.

* We had 82 yards of offense entering the 4th quarter. That is NOT a typo.

* Dusty C's 73 yard punt, unreal. (steve texting folks) dusty cs punt as high as dusty j? i say yes!"

* Multiple fights, brawls, ejections, you name it in the west end zone. Davey threw down with two raiders fans, and when Davey is throwing down, you know its bad, that guy is more reserved and relaxed than ... uuh, Dusty J on his, uuh, "j".

* I even got into the eviction act. Its 16-8 after Thigpen's pick. The raiders fans next to us have been decent, but by now I'm p*ssed. And she lights up a cigarette. I came unhinged. Yes, I know, smoking doesn't bother me, it doesn't phase me, and I think its ridiculous that at an outdoor venue you can't smoke in your seat (because I'd have the Macanudo Maduro lit all game long if you could) ... but yeah, I flagged down fan assistance and got her ass chewed out.

And that was pretty much the highlight of the game. (steve bashing head on desk over being a Chiefs fan).

* Where do we go from here? Straight into the sh*tter I fear. Losing today put 0-14 Miami at 0-14 Kansas City squarely into play. Losing today made us the co-favorites for number one with the Rams and Dolphins. Losing today exposed just how woefully adequate we are at the key position on the field (quarterback).

Losing today embarrassed me. Here's hoping next week goes better. (How can it be worse ...)