a life update

Since my one "track this blog" follower blogs on her life, I figured I'd update you on mine. Sadly, its nowhere near as fun, exciting, or fulfilling as hers is. But it is far more frustrating, angering, maddening, and causes you to literally not sleep for two straight days from stress. So I've got that going for me.

First off, I apologize for the lack of a live blog today. I had family obligations, a buddy of ours was over to watch the game, the taco soup was as good as its ever been, and I had to stay relatively sober for said family obligation afterwards. Probably best for all involved that I didn't blog it.

I will get my thoughts up eventually though, probably sometime tomorrow morning.

So ... the point of this post.

Its been an, uuh, trying week professionally for me. I'll spare you the ugly details, but I have finally reached the end of my patience in my current job.

Since I only know of one co-worker that reads this blog on an active basis, I'm not overly concerned about making that statement. (Especially since said co-worker is the roommate and has witnessed this past week first hand). Even if all my co-workers and superiors started reading this though, its not like that statement would come as any sort of a shock.

I have decided it is time to actively seek employment elsewhere than where I currently am employed. I applied for three positions this weekend, and plan to expand my search as the week(s) go along.

I do this very regrettably. I wish to stress, for anyone reading this, that the job itself is not why I want out. If the tools and support promised me were actually delivered to me, I'd probably retire doing what I do now.

I also wish to stress, for anyone reading this, that my direct reporting line has nothing to do with this decision. If anything, they've made this far more difficult than it should be. I have an incredible boss that I report to. Her boss is every bit as incredible. Two awesome women I respect that I don't want to screw over by abandoning them. But this past week, just underscored the point: us pee-ons at (insert steve's employer here) don't matter. Its all CYA for the uppers when things don't go according to script.

So, I refuse to be "guy on 3rd floor who is so utterly incompetent, everyone in the company thinks he's a f*cking joke"'s CYA anymore. You throw me under the bus once pal? I can get past it. You do it for a second month in a row, blow out of proportion something that isn't my fault, that I had no control over, and dump it in my lap to save your ass?

Good luck replacing me pal. Good luck finding anyone dumb enough to take my job. Its probably why my badge still worked on Wednesday morning, my bosses even noted it, "you're not going anywhere, we can't find anyone dumb enough to take your job".

Well, start looking. Because as good as the two of you have been to me, everyone else above you has decided I'm the scapegoat. Sometimes, its best to vacate the house before the lynch mob shows up.

The Rubicon has been crossed, to haul out a historical reference. There's no turning back. As Al Gore famously said at the 1992 DNC, "the clock is ticking, and it is time. Its time for (steve) to go! Its time for (steve) to go!"

The job I applied for that I am most hoping to at least get an interview for, is with a local non-profit. After checking with someone I trust and respect ... this organization seems legit. She said they're solid, and well led. (Unlike another non-profit I was actively involved with. They were legit, but leadership was, uuh, p*ss poor. And still is. Which is why they're in trouble). Anyways.

So if the posts start slowing down for a while, blame it on the job search and potential new employment. I'm not saying they will slow down; I hope they don't. But if they do, you know why.

My roommate says that "the saddest thing you can endure in life is to be without companionship". He sent me that line the day after he and "former girlfriend" broke up last summer. And I thought "you know what, he's got a freaking point! The kid must not be off in (roommate)land!"

But he's wrong.

The saddest thing you can endure in life, is to hate your life as it currently exists. When you reach that point, of just utter frustration and despair and "why the hell continue this way, it ain't worth it" bitterness, crazy and scary thoughts begin to enter your head. Thoughts I want no part of. (And no, I would never act on them, I've seen the fallout first hand). But yeah, I need a change.

So wish me luck. I want my next job to not only bring meaning and value and satisfaction to me, I hope it gives back (which is why I am focusing on non-profit jobs). Anyone can take. I'd like to be someone to give.

And if not, hey. My dad and I still throw in $10 apiece to the Powerball every week, it has to pay off eventually, right? Right? (crickets chirping ...)