Monday, October 6, 2008

not even my madden offense is this pathetic

"There ain't nothing wrong a few cold beers can't iron out --
In fact you tell me just when and where, and I'll buy the first round!

I think the world needs a drink.
I think enough's enough.
She's been spinning around so long I'd say she's pretty wound up.
Let's all calm down, sit back, relax,
Tear up the contracts and save the ink --
Yeah, I think the world needs a drink ..."

-- Terri Clark, "I Think the World Needs a Drink"

I think, after that performance yesterday, all of Arrowhead Nation needs a shot of 90 proof.

Wow, that was just an epically wretched performance. Because I'm a stats geek, let's look at this bad boy a little more closely.

The halftime stats said it all:

Chiefs: 16 plays, 29 yards, 0 points.
Panthers: 39 plays, 291 yards, 21 points.

Seriously. How the hell does ANY team, at ANY level of football, gain 29 yards in a freaking half?!?! How is that even possible? We had -3 yards rushing entering the 4th quarter yesterday. Negative 3! Again, how is that even possible?

The Chiefs had 127 net yards yesterday. 127 net yards. We ran 51 plays. 127 / 51 = 2.490196 yards per play. Meaning we didn't even AVERAGE a first down putting all 4 plays together! If we ran 4 plays ... we'd wind up inches short of a first down. That's historically bad.

We never reached the red zone. Never once did we get closer than the opponents 22 yard line.

Here was our first half offensive production:
Drive 1: 3 plays, -15 net yards, punt.
Drive 2: 3 plays, 0 net yards, punt.
Drive 3: 3 plays, 5 net yards, punt.
Drive 4: 6 plays, 24 net yards, punt.
Drive 5: 1 play, -1 net yards, half.

We gained 1 first down in the half. We had 13 net yards of offense.

Let's keep going, the 3rd quarter:
Drive 6: 1 play, -8 net yards, lost fumble.
Drive 7: 1 play, 0 net yards, interception.
Drive 8: 3 plays, -2 net yards, punt.

At the 8:29 mark of the 3rd quarter, we had 3 net yards of offense. 3! In 37:31 of football, we'd managed to produce 3 freaking net yards of offense! We had almost as many net yards of offense, as we had turnovers (3 yards, 2 turnovers). We had twice as many attempted punts as net yards! (6 punts, 3 yards).

Even better, we'd had the ball for just 11:18 of that 37:31. By the time we next touched the football, the Panthers had nearly a 20 minute time of possession advantage. In the 3rd quarter! (They finished plus 18 minutes, as we held the ball for a mind-staggeringly low 21:06 yesterday).

Our longest drive of the day was 3:18. 8 of our 13 drives took up 2 minutes or less, and a 9th drive "checked in" at an impressive 2:02.

But here's what angered me the most. As bad as that first half was ... we were still technically in this game. 21-0 is a huge hole to crawl out from, but it can be done. Hell, KU did it Saturday, trailing 20-0 at the half. The staff made its adjustments, someone lit a fire under Reesing's ass, and KU had the lead at 21-20 not even 11 minutes into the 3rd quarter. And never gave it back. Although they certainly tried to.

Sunday, the Chiefs went in at halftime ... and how this is possible I don't know ... and emerged WORSE than they were when they came in. First play fumble. Second play interception. Then a 3 and out.

Yeah, the obvious thing here is to blame the coaching staff, and God knows that effort yesterday deserves to be trashed. I personally believe someone should have been fired today, throw someone under the proverbial bus (obvious candidate being the incompetent Dick Curl).

But at some point, you can't fault the coaches. Because this team quit yesterday. They quit before they took the field.

For the third time in 4 weeks, the Chiefs didn't bother to show up.

This isn't rebuilding.

This is ridiculous.

There's nothing much we can do at this point, other than sacrificial firings and player personnel cuts. I know I personally am beyond thrilled that I'm still on the hook to watch this collection of quitters 6 more times this season.

Because if we can't gain more than 3 net yards against an (at best) average Panthers defense in 40 minutes, what the hell are we doing to do against the Titans and Bucs (our next two home opponents)?

Yesterday WASN'T rock bottom. We haven't seen rock bottom yet.

Even Bob Gretz has almost reached his breaking point. (link: http://www.bobgretz.com/chiefs-football/commentary-no-explanation-for-bad-like-this.html)

He thinks the next two weeks will "make or break this season". I am going to get more into this in another post because I have a lot I want to say about his article linked above. Normally I agree with Gretz on just about everything Chiefs related. But Bob's wrong here for two reasons. One, this season is already broke. And two, that's not necessarily a bad thing.

(steve sighing in frustration) ... oh well. What can you do.

Except hope that you've heard.

You have heard, right?

That the bird is the word?

Thank GOD for "Family Guy". Without that last night, I might be on suicide watch. Last night's episode was beyond a classic. It was so over the top, so offensive ... that you'll cry from laughing so hard. There's so many bust out loud laughing moments that I don't even know where to begin. But the dinner scene with Jesus is just hysterical. "The Tonight Show" scenes, I was crying from laughing. "Dave Coulier". But the "Office Space" beatdown of the record is ... its indescribably funny. Kind of like the Chiefs offense (rimshot!)

If you need a laugh ... the link: http://www.hulu.com/watch/37768/family-guy-i-dream-of-jesus#s-p1-so-i0

Until my next post, just sing along with me in regards to my feelings about this team ...

"I refuse to give into my blues
That's not how its gonna be;
And I deny the tears in my eyes
I don't wanna let you see, no ...

That you have made a hole in my heart
And now I've got to fool myself

I'll get over you, I know I will
I'll pretend my ship's not sinking;
And I'll tell myself, I'm over you
'Cause I'm the king of wishful thinking ..."

Jesus, we suck something awful.

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